“My lighter quit working on me three cigarettes ago, but I keep flicking the damn thing expecting it to light. That’s really how my life has been lately, broken and useless. If it wasn’t for all the anti smokers informing me of my future death I’d already think I was dead. All my money is tapped out and I’m begging for a light from a crowd of strangers. One wicked old lady felt the need to tell me how smoking is hazardous to my health. Thanks like I didn’t already know that I tell her. The surgeon general’s been warning me for years, but your comment finally hit close to home because your opinion matters on my life. Since were being honest your handbag doesn’t match your shoes and it’s really distracting to the eye. She called me an asshole and I smiled. Nonsmokers are useless. They should all be shot or just shut the hell up. Most of them are hypocritical bastards that down a thirty pack of their favorite beer and decided to take a Sunday drive down the sidewalk. Isn’t it amazing how drunks can forget words like no or force themselves on a woman and not remember, but they can find their cars in a white out blizzard and run over six people? Been smoking ten years and I’ve still been unable to take a life, but my own. I’m the real villain of the world. Maybe I should turn myself in to the police? They might be looking for me and I should be careful. At least I could get a hot meal and a place to stay if they can find me.
You could say I lost my money on the market like everyone else in recent history, but my market was the back room of bars and basements of store buildings. I have a real hard time picking winners if you know what I mean. Bad luck must be something of a disease caught at birth. Sometimes people have it and sometimes people do. My father had all the luck in the world and my uncle couldn’t rub two pennies together to heat his home. Buddhists would call bad luck karma, but that’s just all a bunch of shit. Same with fate and all that other crap people tell you about life and luck. Life is all about luck. Some would say I’m bitter, but really I’m just unlucky. Unless you count the fact that I’m still breathing, but then again that is only because I haven’t died yet. Nope the lord hasn’t pulled my straw just yet even if he has unstrung my bundle. Nope, nope still breathing and still struggling through life’s shit storm, and life is a real shit storm.
I know I am to blame don’t be so cynical and think that I didn’t know that. Searching for the easy money. The American dream or whatever bull shit we are peddling around the world. It’s all the same everywhere. Struggle is struggle in any language. Only thing any of us have in common I guess. What do I know about the world? Barely made it out of bed this morning let alone out of the country. Could this place really be worth losing everything over? I’d trade it in for a carton of cigarettes and a government check. Like most of us I’m too proud to realize how good I might have it. Here I go rambling again instead of begging for money. It’s a long and lonely road out here. You know what I mean?”
She pulls her head buds out of her ears, “Did you want a dollar or something?”
I can’t get that girl out of my mind. “Remember my face,” fucking useless words etched into my brain forever. Well maybe the rest of the week, but the next few days all I will be thinking about is, is she alive or dead. I’m sure every once in a while I’ll think of her again but I won’t care as much as I do now. Though to be honest it is the statement that has me thinking about her not so much her as a person.
“Remember my face,” Fucking why? “Taking a ride from someone I don’t know.” What are you running from? Why do people do this to themselves? I don’t care I want to scream, but of course I do and I will have to until something else distracts my mind. A moment is a moment to a writer. It becomes something greater as a whole because it is strange and strange is interesting.
It is an unanswered conversation that plays over and over in our heads. Consumes and relates to every decision or thought. There are way too many possibilities behind something as small as coincidence. A life time of decisions in a thirty-second conversation. “In case I go missing,” who puts themselves in situations that they may not return from? How do you not know that this isn’t the right thing to do? What could it be that you are running from?
The past and the future haunts us all, and it is called the present. Can’t out run any of this. Doesn’t stop anyone from trying though. I hope she is still alive, but I stand by what I told her. “Your actions are your own.” If I really cared I would have said more. I didn’t so I guess I don’t.
The demon it sleeps, waking only for the sound of broken bones
A ringing that snaps the consciousness, a fear steeped in blood
Fighting the demon requires an understanding
A contract of self-defecation, A knowing of constant failure
There can be no winner when all is lost
The stones tell a story of loss and misguidance
A reason to know that none of this ever mattered
The letters in blood are lost to the times
The words they spell make no sense to anyone
Gun fire in the distance, frustration released on the innocent
Taking control never meant being in charge
Syphoning the blood to sell for oil
I don’t know of a better way to inflict toil
Breaking down barriers to exterminate freedom
I don’t know of a better way to express reasons
Sounding sad to get what we are
The victims of our own troubles
Owning something sounds too harsh
I don’t know of a better reason to destroy
Freedoms lacking from the start
My eyes are open to the world and I do not like what I see
A cascading river of blood washing over me
How could this world have come to be
A distant memory of civilization
Books I read that made me believe we are one
Lies told from the throat of the devil
Your policies don’t make sense
When stacked up next to each other
Is it that you hate people or people unlike you
The vast majority fit into your minority
A walking pariah, self-appointed Messiah
You’re not God or even the devil
A walking mistake we all have to live with
How do we solve so many problems when we can’t even decide on one to fix first? Maybe it is the overabundance of simple problems that has caused the world to go insane? Sense of purpose slipping away each and every day. Religion gives away hopelessness that the society can not sustain. The outcasts have no fight, no war, no reason, so they have to start one. But even then there’s nothing to stand on. What is ISIS? What does it matter in the sense of things?
If they want to be the new North Korea so bad then maybe we should let them. Fuck it and see what happens, right? Easier to kill the beast when it is in the open than hidden underground. They fear “the freedoms” of the rest of the world then maybe it is time we let them have them. Children want to be adults until the moment it happens. I for one think it is time for ISIS to grow the fuck up. Accept the responsibilities they so think they deserve or want. A nice social experiment. How long can they survive when there is no one to lead? What will they do when there is no one to rebel against?
I don’t think they can. America started as a rebellion, a guerrilla state, but at least they had a purpose. A cause without a purpose is nothing at all. What does ISIS want so very badly? For the United States and its allies to leave the area? Pack up and let’s go. Ban all trade, travel, and all other shit that we can and have done. How’s Cuba doing? Oh yeah not so well.
We could strike down any aircraft coming in or out of their new Islamic State or force anyone coming through the border back across. Of course there is a reason that we don’t do any of this and that is the real question we should be asking. But we don’t. The Middle East couldn’t be less of a problem if they tried. Something doesn’t add up, something stinks of lies, and it is about time we opened our eyes.
If time is the only thing I don’t have left
Why does it seem to take forever
Breaking down the doors between mad and insane
Smashing bloody fists to let me in
I’ve got sex on the brain with no chance of getting any
Do this to myself
I’m destroying myself
Hating myself for all the things I didn’t do
Regretting the little things that I have done
No one to blame, but those around me
My hate grows from inside
A burning that doesn’t die even after I am done
Stupidity should be a crime and your excuses are filled with lies
Ignorance is bliss until you open your mouth
A piss soaked stench that I can’t wash from my mind
The shit keeps piling up against you, straight to the ceiling it’s all there is
So sick of swimming in it, the taste consumes me
Baseball bat to the head I already know I’m swinging at the dead
Feels so good to let it out
Silence comes across the stage to hush me, to shut me out
Chewing on my own leg in hopes that you will shut up
There is a story hidden in all of this
The screaming makes everything confusing or make sense
Haven’t decided and I’m not willing to give up yet
Sleeping on a floor of mismatched fabrics has made me bitter
Your English sucks and you’ve never done as you were told
An animal that I can’t live without
A fear quilted together from many little wishes
How can one person have so much hate
I love you anyways
Fuck It and See What Happens
Historically we have been heading this direction
A dictatorship might do us some good
Democracy was such bullshit in the end
Did we really think that we could pull it off
A day long crisis of faith
Time to pick ourselves back up and do it again
Screaming for blood, screaming for a revolution
All that is, is noises inside your head
Too lazy to get up off your ass
Sucking at the tit of modern industry
If this all collapsed what if anything could you do for yourself
Wipe your tears and understand we were never meant to win
A blanket of hypocrisy pulled tighter with every turn
Broken down system was never going to let the right ones in
Money is all that it takes
Can you speak it, understand it, pray to it
The new gods are paid in gold not hopes and dreams like the old
We talk of freedom as we rattle our chains in protest
Does any of this really surprise you anyways?
The invisible cage of society was built to lock us in
You either struggle to succumb or succumb to struggle
Our voice, our pain, our survival are nothing more than talking points
Bullet points on a page, check marked so they know what to say
No matter the outcome our fears won’t go away
The bottom holds the top because we let it
So shut the fuck up if you are not willing to try
Fuck it and see what happens
Rationally this all has to make some sense
On a human level we can’t all be laid to rest
Someone has to be left to do all the work
A grinding of flesh and bone
For centuries this is the way of the world
The digital age gave away to mass laziness
A sense of retrospection and wonder
Breeding of weakness spread out over time
If it all came down the collapse would be more than once thought
the fear growing over time
It has to be known that this will all fail
We always find a way to let the wrong one in
A screeching halt of metal and gears
How does one rise from a dead stop
Someone has to do all the work
But who when we’ve all given up
Rationally this all has to make some sense
A broken spiral with crippling regret
“You know she is going to leave you.”
“I know this.”
“Yet you stay?”
“Things are going to work out the way they work out whether you want them to or not. Fate is fate and no matter what information one may have it can’t be changed.”
“You know how tragic that sounds?”
“I am more aware than you could possibly imagine. Having already seen it, having already felt it there is no worse fate than to keep on living with the knowledge of things to come.”
“You should just get out of this. Change your fate if you truly have the power to do so.”
“Useless time and energy spent on a useless resolution for one cannot change their fate. No matter how hard someone tries. She will leave me and not for some time. Her actions will leave me in a condition far worse than death, but I am expected to rise back up from this.”
“You are stupid.”
“No, I am life and she will be death. Have you not been paying attention?”
“You live in another world beyond ours I take it.”
“You mock me because you don’t understand. You mock me because you are afraid I may have news for you.”
“Do you know something you are not telling me?”
“I’d be lying if I told you no, but I’m afraid it is the only answer I have for you.”
Everything has always been one big problem. One after another in an endless cycle. Everyone and everything about them has been a problem since the dawn of time. The words can’t escape my head fast enough. No one expects shit from me any ways. They all assume they can ride my ass to the promise land.
Loaded gun resting in my mouth I’m so done with that shit. I’m so sick of everything and everyone pushing me to do it. My misery means more to everyone else than it does for me. Push as hard as they like won’t do them any good. If I haven’t done it yet then I’m never going to do it.
Too fucking bitter, too fucking beat down to even bother. The world revolves around no one and it sure as fuck won’t stop because you do. I want so much more from this world than it could ever give to me. Living more lives inside my head than I can put ink to the page. I guess that’s how you know the safety is on. Don’t want to die just enjoy the threat of it all.
Doesn’t make up for the bleeding asshole the world likes to provide. The nightly penetration gets old, but it also becomes familiar. Constantly on edge. Who the fuck knows what retarded ass shit they will come up with in the morning. What new bull shit policy they make up on the spot? Seems I enjoy the abuse. Really I’m only tired of starting over. Wasting away years of my life only to be like fuck it. Compliance with old age is the real killer.
The gun slips from my lips. What am I doing here? Must be how the mad man feels after pulling the trigger if they feel anything at all. Not feeling anything must feel nice. No one gets off that easy. Everyone has to suffer. Some more than other I guess.
A Constant Ending with an Evolving Beginning
We sleep in a blanket made of darkness
A power will rise that will seem unstoppable
All things eventually fail
The idea was dead before we were ever born
Our history made of lies is catching up
The beliefs we believe have always been false
Told what to do and how to think
An iron curtain so thick no light could ever get through
Guns, God, and government the three G’s
Suffocating us into sleep
The problem isn’t the distraction but each and every one of us
A culture based on greed can’t breed good things
We profit from death yet are afraid to die
The catch 22 is in our advancement
Only problems never solutions
The great nation hasn’t won a war since world war two
Who is to blame when all these generations know nothing better
Peace is paved in bodies
Under God there can be no peace if everyone is wrong
Religion, money, and freedom has become the new evils
Redressed to seem as though this is untrue
There is no God in pain
There is no money in happiness
There is no freedom in death
Only another cause to keep fighting for
America will die and a new evil shall rise
This is how it always works, this is how it is
Lies, lies we tell ourselves to get by
Everyone is standing in their windows
Hoping to get noticed, but everyone is too busy
Ignoring the people in their shitty lives
A generation raised on hiding, despising
Falsified documents made to look like lives
Every ones opinion locked away in a data bank
What did you do today?
Nothing the same as always
Who wants to hear the truth, infliction
What you mean, the words get twisted
Infections, choose properly or be torn down
Shit upon, dragged around and forgotten
This is the world in which we live our lives
People get way too hyped up over these fucking holidays. They are made up, by us no less, they do not matter, so take the dildo up your ass and pull it down a notch. Working in a grocery store is insanity on high. There is a holiday every fucking month and yet still every one of the top people loses their minds. They act as if this is the big one. This one day out of the whole year will pay for every other day forever. They act as if no one will ever eat again after today.
Maybe if the world ends than yes people will have to stop eating. Unless of course the economy completely collapses then we will be the first place taken over by raiders, so they still will be coming here because people need to eat. This fucking months holiday, because again we have at least one every god damn month, is back to school.
Yes back to school is a major holiday at the grocery store I work at. Everyone is acting as though we are storming the beaches of Normandy. The big ones coming, this is it people, back to school, back to school, back to school. This is madness. With the kids in school people need less food in the house. Most of them will buy lunches or receive them at school depending on the area. Yes people will be back from going on vacation, but this place hasn’t been a ghost town for the last two months. So what are the sales up by a percent starting now? We really need to lose our shit over a percent?
Again they act as if after this weekend no one is coming back to this store to buy food. It wouldn’t be so bad if it was a few holidays out of the year that they are like this, but it is every holiday. Maybe because I don’t get bonuses from all the bull shit that I don’t care as much? I do however get the lovely joy of doing all the work and dealing with all their bull shit, and yet I’m calm because it is just another fucking day. Thanksgiving wasn’t created to sell more shit it just happens to be like that. Jesus wasn’t born on the 25th so we could sell more shit. If he was even born on that day at all. As far as sales go grocery is a cake walk, but these people have their heads so far up their ass that they have to worry about nothing. In the history of America when was the last time we were like nah I’m good on eating today?
Never, and here in Texas we have enough fat fucks to make a company earn twenty billion dollars plus a year. We aren’t even in every city in Texas. We are expanding all the time. The idea that we have to worry about one single weekend is insane. I get that we should always be a little concerned no one might come in, but as long as we don’t raise the prices to obscene levels and maintain our quality we should be more than fine. Having one weekend a month define who we are as a company is stupid. We need to keep the same level at all times. For fuck sakes people have to eat.
A Lie is now available on Kindle. Don’t have a Kindle? It can be read using the free Kindle app on your computer, tablet, or cellphone. Feel free to contact me on Twitter or Facebook.
Back in the U.S.S.R.
If I bashed my head into a wall every time someone tried to screw me over at work I would have been dead a long time ago. After yesterday I really don’t want to be here, but at least I have tomorrow off. Not that being at home is any better than being here. At least I am alone at home and can deal with my own personal demons by myself. My car wouldn’t start this morning so I had to get a ride from my mom, and she will be picking me up again when I get off. I hate getting rides from my mom. It makes me feel like a child plus it now means I have to stand outside in the freezing cold to smoke. It has to be at least twenty degrees out tonight, but it is probably not that cold. The sun didn’t come out today and it’s been at least two days since I have seen the sun. The clouds are a murky shade of gray and they remind me of a famous painting. I can’t think of the painting or what it is called, but the sky looks as if it is sick and its gloomy colors spread across the town. I haven’t done much today at work, mostly because when it looks like this no one wants to come out of their houses. I’m sure it will snow again today if it is really as cold as it feels, and add another inch or two to the piles of snow that still remain. The snow has been slowly melting for weeks creating a slush of dirt and disgust. Discarded and hidden trash has started to emerge all around the sides of the streets and in everyone’s yards. It won’t be long until all the snow is gone and the town will look like a war torn garbage dump for a few weeks. When the snow melts and the truth comes out is when Jamestown shows its true colors. There is no more hiding behind walls of snow, no more buried lies as the run down houses become more visible and the yards their usual over grown selves. I still have ten more minutes on my break, but it’s too cold to stand out here and do nothing.
An hour after I get back from break the boy only known as Bobby came into the store to meet me. I have to admit I was very confused by this as we were supposed to meet in a few days, and as he is talking to me all I can think about is if this is the day or what day is it really. One of my co-workers also happens to be up front when he stops in. Her name is Ashley and she has been trying to get me to come out with her and her friends for months. So of course when he brings up the fact that we are going out to do something later on this week she wants to join us. At first I try to talk her out of it because I really don’t want her to come, but then I figure at least I will know someone in what is gearing up to be a very awkward evening. Bobby leaves and for the last hour of my shift all she talks about is how excited she is about us all hanging out while I pretend to be just as excited about something I really don’t want to do. She wants to go here and she wants to go there. She managed to get Bobby’s number and she hands me hers. She thinks we should meet up here at work and then go from there. The rest of the details are vague as I stop listening to her and nod my head as if I care. She keeps smiling at me and it feels strange. I’ve known her long enough to know she is a friendly person and acts this way towards everyone. Though today it feels different. The hour passes and I tell her I will see her later this week. Her excitement is already killing me I think as I clock out and go outside. My mom is already waiting for me which is pretty awesome because it has to be colder out here than it was last time. Still no snow, the clouds were a lie. My mom asks how my day was and is overjoyed that Ashley will be joining us. “She is that really cute girl up front right?” she asks. I answer with a sure and I guess, but I quickly stop talking. I just want to get home and wait out my days. Of course last week I try to get out of this so I told my mom I was available on Thursday but I actually work so we are hanging out afterwards because no one wanted to cancel.
There is an Emptiness Within My Soul
It keeps beat
Hot and cold
Wouldn’t call it a heart
I’d call it a hole