Failed TV Pilot….

It’s the day before Halloween rest up and go have some fun… Or read this… up to you…

Episode 1

Scene 1: Takes place in a restaurant. The finer the place looks the better. Two people sitting at the table or booth. One male and one female. There are drinks on the table, but they haven’t gotten their food yet.

Layne
“I guess if I took a long dark look at myself I would have to say it is nothing more than the abyss.”

Female

“So what happens when you don’t have anything to tear you down?”

Layne
In a solemn tone. “I’m never truly happy or content with anything to be honest. ”

Female

“Honesty is a good thing, but how can you say that you are never truly happy. There has to be something in your life that satisfies you in some way.

Layne

“Well of course I’m not a freak or something. I like things it’s just that focusing on them all the time doesn’t help me write when I need it to. I’m easily distracted when it comes to things like that. I mean the time that I was molested as a child is not something I like to talk about, but hey it happens.”

Female
“Okay this just got awkward especially for a first date.” Stress awkward

Layne

“Well I feel like I can be honest and open with you about anything. So sharing my inner secrets really can’t be that bad from the beginning. I realize we barely know each other, but at the same time I really feel like I know you on a deeper level.”

Female

Looks around as if she is lost. “Well that’s a lot to take in. All in one go I mean. It feels like we are moving a little fast or at least you are.” Spots Layne writing things down on his napkin. “Are you seriously writing things down on your napkin?”

Layne

“I’m feeling little taken back from your hint of rejection so when inspiration strikes.

Female

Creeped out. “That’s fine and all but the napkin is cloth. You don’t plan on keeping that do you? Because I’m pretty sure the restaurant wants those back at some point.”

Layne

“They won’t miss it trust me. I worked for a restaurant once. They factor in the cost of everything. Just like hotels and towels. Hey speaking of towels I know this guy who works at the hotel down the street. I’m pretty sure I can get him to lets us use a room for an hour or two. If I’m just being honest we should just finish our drinks and head over there now. We’ll save money in the end even if I tip big on the way out.”

Female

“He’s a bit off, a bit eccentric, but he is a good guy,” my sister said. “What the fuck was I even thinking?”

Layne

“She called me eccentric?”

Female

Gives him a weird look before packing up her stuff.

Layne

“Quick question were you going to go down on me tonight?”

Female

Makes a disgusted face.

Layne

“Got to know?” said with a smile

Female

“Oh my god are you fucking retarded?” Said at a near whisper so the other people can’t hear.

Layne

Wide eyed and waiting.

Female

“I was thinking about.” She grabs her stuff and storms out of the restaurant.

Layne

Sighs and finishes drink, “That was a yes.”

 

Title Sequence
Layne Ambrose in “I’m So Fucked.”

 

Scene 2

Layne and Gwen sitting in a darken theater with the only light lighting their faces coming off of the screen.

Gwen
“So how did that date with my little sis go the other day?”

Layne

Puzzled look. “It went well, but there wasn’t that connection.” Makes an awkward hand motion about connection.

Gwen

Nods her head as if she understands. “You are so full of shit. I still can’t believe you asked her if she was going to go down on you as she was walking out on you.

Layne

Trying to play if off like it was nothing. “She said something about that?”

Gwen

“Half the internet knows about it by now. Heard one kid was so impressed by the story that he is using it for a school project. Should be up by the end of the week.”

Layne

“Anyone we know?”

Gwen

“Sadly not, because I would have volunteered your time to be in it.”

Cuts to scene of two people at a make shift restaurant talking without words. The lady pours herself a drink before throwing it in the man’s face in disgust and walking out. All the same person. Silent Movie Style.

Layne

“You know we could go back to the restaurant and reenact it, but this time I think the girl should walk out with me in the end.”

Layne goes in for a hug and Gwen’s arms get pinned between them.

Layne

Whispers into her ear. “We could go out to the car and you could show me some of your oral skills.”

Gwen

“It’s just too bad your broke ass doesn’t have a car.” She pushes Layne off of her.

Layne

“Behind the building is fine with me.”

Gwen

“Fucking sick. Grow a Vag and then maybe I’ll lust after you enough to be your street whore.”

Layne

“Gross you are like a sister to me anyways. I couldn’t fuck my sister.”

Gwen

“Yet you tried to fuck mine.”

Gwen and Layne

“Aww”…. While pointing at one another

Stranger in the next row up

“Could you please keep it down? I paid good money to see this movie.”

Layne

“Dude relax it’s a Bendis flick everyone dies in the end so don’t even worry about it.”

Gwen

“You paid to see this piece of shit?

Layne

“Way to ruin the illusion of sneaking into a movie Sam.”

The stranger moves to get up.

Layne

“Time to bail.”

Layne and Gwen make towards the exit and run out of the theater.

 

Scene 3

Standing a block away from the theater both characters a breathing heavy while trying to stop laughing. They finally catch their breath and head towards the nearest diner. They walk in and take a seat in a far away booth.

Gwen

“Why do you always call me Sam when we get into those kinds of situations?”

Layne

“Works both ways.”

The waitress appears out of nowhere.

Waitress

“Well you two would make a cute couple. If you could try not to sweat all over the table that would be appreciated. “

Layne

Awkward. “We’ll take two waters to start with.”

Waitress

Under her breath but loud enough to hear. “Of course you will.” The waitress disappears into thin air.

Layne

“I like her already. To answer your question though, Gwen is to unique of a name. Sam however is plain and boring.”

Gwen

“And you questioned why I told my sister you were a little weird. I’m a girl Layne. Sam is a unique name for a girl.”

Layne

“You’re only a girl for one week out of the month. The other three you may as well adjust your nuts like the rest of us boys.”

Waitress

Says in a joking manner.“Having an interesting conversation over her?”

Layne and Gwen give off a slight shiver of awkwardness but both pretend to be amused with smiles.

Waitress

“We decide what we want besides water?”

Gwen and Layne

“Fries”…

Waitress

“Fries? Really, do you want me to buy you something to eat? Why not fuck it right we’re kids we have no money just waste time and sit for hours taking up space.”

Layne

“Whatever it is that you are doing is working right now. I want you to know that.”

Waitress

“Good, what will you be having then?”

Gwen and Layne

“Fries”..

Gwen

“But if you keep bring us water like wine I will make sure he tips you well.”

Layne

“Yeah our young metabolisms only keep working if we digest an emissive amount of shit with an ever flowing amount of water.  Strange I know but if there is one thing I know it is that you don’t fuck with science.”

The waitress huffs her way to the kitchen.

Gwen

In a serious tone.“So lets get down to business.”

Layne

“What do you mean?”

Gwen

“What have you been working on?”

Layne

Mouths the words as she says them.

Gwen

“Very cute, but really what have you been writing about?”

Layne

“Nothing.”

Gwen

“Nothing, you haven’t written anything at all?”

Layne

“Well no I have been writing about nothing.”

Gwen

“Yeah I’m sure you have. Don’t pull this shit on me Layne. Jerry got cancelled before it even got off the ground.”

Layne

Looking disappointed that she stopped his witty retort before he could even make it. “Okay gwen-gwen. What should I be writing about?”

Gwen

Annoyed. “I don’t know. You write and I draw that is how this relationship works.”

Layne

“Strange I always thought it was a P and a V that made this relationship work.”

Gwen

“How many movie and show references are you going to try and make this evening?”

Layne

Shifts in the booth trying to act cool but there is no real way to do that.

Gwen

“Hey, stop being so awkward just because you are being so lazy. Quit your pouting the waitress is coming with the food.”

Waitress

The waitress drops off the food. “You screw me over and I will eat you.”

Gwen and Layne

“Fair enough.”

The waitress stares us down before finally disappearing once again.

Layne

“Pretty sure she is a demon.”

Gwen

“Then it is best that we don’t fuck with her.”

Layne

“I agree. Hey, maybe we can write about her.

Gwen

“Well you better start writing about something before no one gives a shit about us again.”

Cut to shot of the two behind a signing table. Quick images of the stack of comics selling out really fast. Cut to scene of Layne sitting at his desk doing nothing but playing with a pen and note-book.

Narration
“A direct reference to their mildly successful indie comic finished up earlier this year. Layne hasn’t written a single word since that issue hit stands.

Finish up with scenes of them eating fries and laughing. A shot of them paying the bill and leaving a hundred-dollar tip. The waitress smiles and glows in the background as they stand outside discussing something. They hug and each go their own separate ways. We follow Layne as he walks home from the diner. (Layne voice over on the last shot) “The whole walk home all I could think about was how I am so fucked…..”

Yeah That Happened. It Started out as a comic. Might still be a comic. But some of the stuff I have for it is really dated now. Also I can’t draw so that’s a whole thing. I know I’m digging deep at this point. I’ll have better stuff next time. Maybe.. I don’t make promises… I promise….

3 thoughts on “Failed TV Pilot….”

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