Broken Thoughts

I want to change the world, but I know it won’t matter. The wheel turns with or without me. The sands of time keep falling one by one whether I care to notice at all. I can’t take much more of this. This world’s retribution is too much to bare. A constant dragging of my body across a bed of nails. My flesh tears apart, but yet somehow stays attached. The bones of my broken body mended together with lies and dreams. My blood is all but gone. My heart still beats. Beats to the rhythm of my death. Slow, painful, and everlasting.

We add only to take away
If I take away all that I have become
Would I only be adding to what I’ve done
Taken away from what I become
An empty shell, Hollowed out heart
A lie from the start
Accept my apologies
I knew not what I have done
Only that it would destroy you
Extinguish this thoughtless idea
Sincerely everything I wish

How soon is too soon to know this is an ever passing moment? These feelings won’t last and then I’ll be left with nothing much. Regret and sadness mostly. Sit and smile. Pretend not to suffer ninety-five percent of the day. This is life. This is how most of us live. Wish I could drink the feeling away like everyone else. Like my heroes, but it does nothing for me. Magnifies my problems, my issues in such a way that it makes me feel even worse than before. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough. Could be my problem all along. How hard should we be trying to live?

I want to dance in the darkness of me and you
Our shadows create a cryptic sense of self
Our shadows in the moon light
Our shadows, strangling each other tonight
Ideas of love twisted with each passing moment
Your final breathes
Mean more with everything left unsaid

Figuring Out I Was Wrong, Still Could Be Right

It is easy to get lost in all this shit. It is easy to forget that there is a whole other world out there. One I used to be a part of. Friends that I used to know. Places I used to go and now it is the same thing over and over again. The same old bull shit. Not much longer from now this will turn into the past, and just like my current past it will all become lost again.

It’s somewhere in there already, but lost all the same. Distant memories made up of good times and bad. I miss some of it. Okay a lot of it. Times were simpler of course because they always are. Life doesn’t get any easier than the way it was before. I miss Japan. I miss the life that I had there and yet I don’t really. At the time it was alienating. It was strange. Not the country. The country is amazing. It is part of me. Anytime I hear something bad happening there or happened I feel for the people. Off point. The things that were strange about being there was that I shouldn’t have been there at all.

All day I meet people who have never left the state let alone the country. I shouldn’t have been so lucky to see another country. To experience a life and a world outside of my own. It is damaging. Good or bad it was damaging. It has caused me to be lost in this new world I must live in. This off-putting only I matter world when you and I really don’t. That’s the thing about not getting out of your bubble is that you don’t realize that you are not important. Sure you can cause a big scene maybe fuck up some people’s day, but honestly you and your whole town could vanish of the face of the earth. Life would go on. A depressing thought I know, but the truth can be that way sometimes.

They’d make a new town. Maybe not right away because a bunch of people just vanished, but over time they’d move in. People love free shit even if it might kill them. Life is so minimal that it seems to be something greater than it really is. It is all so serious when it doesn’t have to be. We are either losing out on enjoying life or at a shot to enjoy life. It comes full circle I guess. I don’t know. Maybe I am only speaking for myself with the idea that I am speaking to others.

Looking back I wasted so much time caring about what others think or how things should be. Could be my cross to bear or it could be life. Either way I am lost in this new world I am forced to live in or I am lost in the old one that I had to give up. Life is ever evolving, constantly changing, and we are all here to keep it going. Lost or not we all have our place in time.

And Other Things From This Time Preview

Long Before

The blood it drips as it falls
The life fails as it goes on
The end is near
Though it has been all along
The difference between life and death
Is a heartbeat
The soul fades as it goes
The death grows as it goes
The end is near
Though it has been all along
The difference between life and death
Is a heartbeat
The difference between life and death
Is a heartbeat
A heartbeat that no longer seems to feel
Destroy the will and what became left
Soulless but who really knows before it is too late
The difference between life and death
Is nothing more than a heartbeat
The difference between me and you
Is nothing more than a heartbeat
The loneliness, the sadness, the happiness
Is nothing more than a heartbeat away
The heartbeats from within my chest
The life flows from out my wrist
The end is near but it was there long before

 

List of Words

Some, days, I, just, wish, the, world, would, die, an, all, this, pain, could, go, away, I, dream, in, blood, I, dream, in, liquid, secretly, watching, the, human, race, disappear, discretely, having, a, hand, in, every, death, easily, amused, toxically, confused, I, always, assumed, everyone, felt, like, me, with, a, gun, to, my, head, in, the, middle, of, times, square, not, important, unless, your, famous, each, life, started, the, same, just, some, are, worth, more, in, the, end, listen, to, me, I, sound, like, a, commi, how, un-American, how, un-human, starving, for, attention, dying, for, just, a, mention, of, my, existence, easily, amused, toxically, confused, easily, amused, some, days, I, just, wish, the, world, would, die, and, I, could, assist, lighter, and, can, of, gasoline, in, hand, I, want, to, watch, this, world, burn, watch, the, survivors, crawl, through, the, ash, and, fuck, it, up, once, again, again, again, we, are, the, cockroaches, of, the, universe, universally, fucked,  begging, for, god, begging, for, any, thing, prayers, un-answered, beings, being, slaughtered, starving, surviving, dying, this, is, the world, you, live, in,  I, will, just, keep, taking, my, pills, cause, you’re, to, easily, amused.

 

Hello once again. Two more poems from my book And Other Things From This Time. Not the happiest pair of poems, but equally showcasing the two sides of depression.  List of Words is actually originally from Drinking Bleach and is one of the first things I wrote for that book. It is older and there for I am older since I wrote it. Assuming I aged at all or grew up since then. You can be the judge, but as much as I enjoy the nostalgia of it…. The world is in a very different place than it was when I wrote it. A sadder place I would have to say. Violence is never the answer, but I whole heartily believe there is a difference between venting frustration and acting it out. Anger, rage, and hurt are all normal emotions. Like all emotions good or bad they fade….What I’m trying to say is that now that I am older it reads very differently than when I wrote it. Writing to me is very therapeutic. It frees up thoughts or feelings that I have to make room for positive ones… I debated whether to include it, but I think that it is good, interesting, and different. Even if it isn’t true or a positive way to go about feelings such as anger, rage, or hurt. 

I’m saying  all of this not because I feel guilty, but in many ways writing is very unique. There are few mediums of expression where you can be in a person’s head. Even if it is only for a second or a moment. Was I angry when I wrote the piece? Yes. Can I remember why I was? Not for all the money in the world, but I was… And I think that is something we can all relate too on some level. Which is also how I feel about Long Before. The difference between everything is a heartbeat so, keep your heart beating and all will work itself out. 

 

Isolation Part 2

Chapter 3

Steve sits at the table in the second chamber eating oatmeal he made himself. Vector sits at the other end of the table completely still. “How much longer,” Steve asks Vector between bites? “Two more hours until communication is back on.” “What if something killed who ever sent that part and we are just sitting here waiting to die?” “Highly unlikely Steve, Sector 156 has never been inhabited till 2120 when the first prisoners were brought here to make the ten cells for mining and prison purposes.” “What if something does live here and the mining has just started to affect them?” “Not likely Steve Sector 156 has an average temperature of 450 degrees year round except on two days of the year” “Supply days yeah I know, but I’ve lived here no problem for three years. So maybe whatever lives here or could live here is also living underground.” “Impossible,” Vector says before being interrupted. “Nothing is impossible Vector. “There is no life on this planet other than what was put here.” “I hit a nerve there good buddy?” “I have no nerves Steve only circuits.” “We’re not alone on this planet. I’d put money on it that, that is what got who ever sent that part.” “What is money Steve?” “Never mind,” Steve says with a yawn. “Maybe you should go back to sleep Steve. I can wake you once communication comes back on-line.” “I’m okay Vector. I think I will take a shower and change though.” “Remember the water is coming to an end so there won’t be much.” “Thank you Vector,” Steve says as he gets out of his chair.

Steve walks into the first chamber and slides a cover on the wall to reveal his cloths. He chooses the usual black he was assigned when he first arrived. Steve takes the picture from his back pocket and places it next to the clean clothes on the bed. He undresses and moves another cover to reveal a built-in shower. Steve steps into the claustrophobic washing chamber and turns the water on high. The warm water feels good on his face he thinks as he holds his face in the warm water. With no warning or announcement the water shuts off. “Seriously,” Steve says out loud. He taps the water button again, but nothing comes out. Steve presses the dry button and warm air is shot from all around him. He opens the door and steps into the bedding chamber. As Steve dresses he begins to hear the sound of scratching from the wall at the end of the small chamber. “Vector what are you doing in there?” From the other chamber Vector says, “Cleaning up the mess in here.” The scratching grows louder as Steve quickly straps up his boots. Steve throws on his shirt and puts his picture back into his back pocket. He walks over to the far wall and places his ear up against the cold steel. Steve can hear the sounds of heavy breathing as the scratching continues. “What the fuck,” he says out loud to himself. Steve backs away at the nick of time as the metal wall breaks slightly to reveal a hand full of claws. A blast of heat comes into the chamber as the hole grows bigger. Steve wastes no time as he runs into the next chamber. He presses the chamber shut off button as he enters the next chamber. “Vector get into the work shop now.” Vector raises his head to ask a question as the beast in the next chamber slams its massive body against the chamber door.  Vector rolls into the next chamber as Steve follows right behind him. Steve presses the chamber shut off button as he makes his way into the workshop. He rests his back against the closed-door and slowly slides down until he is sitting on the ground. “There’s no way something else lives on this planet Steve. It’s impossible,” he mocks as he breathes in deep.

 

Chapter 4

“Vector how long can the chamber doors hold back whatever is behind them?” “Data unknown too many factors to determine such an outcome.” “Is communication still down?” “For the next hour at least,” Vector informs Steve. There is constant pounding that comes from the next chamber as Steve gets up and walks over to Vector. He inspects Vector’s Casing looking for anything that can be used for defense. “Steve what are you doing,” Vector asks? “I’m trying to see if there is anything on you that we can use as a weapon. Do you have a defensive system at all?” “No I was built to assist not destroy.” “Great I’m stuck with a giant paper weight in a fight for my life.” Steve walks over to his work bench and starts to take out any tools he can use to carve out metal with. “Vector I need a piece of your casing.” “What for Steve,” Vector questions as he turns his body to face Steve? “I need to send a message to the other sections.” “Bi law 24,” Vector starts to rattle off. “I know what the code and the rule is Vector, but I need to warn them.” “I can’t let you Steve it is against the rules.” “I was afraid you would say that,” Steve picks up the metal pipe from the side of his work bench. “Steve what are you doing with that?” “What I have too,” he says as he brings the pipe down hard on Vector. The pipe hits its mark on the lower back of Vector’s casing taking out his ability to move. Vector tries to stop the second swing but his arm misses the pipe as it lands hard into its upper back. Vector is now unable to use his arms. “They really made a design flaw when they made your components too much like a humans.” Vector turns his head to face Steve, “You didn’t have to do this Steve.” Aloud crash interrupts Steve as the creature breaks throw into the second chamber. “Time is running out Vector can you still send and receive communications?” “Yes I still can and there is still no window.” Steve grabs a tool off the work bench and starts to ply off a piece of Vectors casing. He is able to disassemble a large enough piece from Vector’s lower back. Steve then takes the piece to his work bench to engrave his own message. “What are you going to do with that piece?” “I’m going to write a message and then send it to Section A. They should be within communications by now if they aren’t already dead.” Sparks flay as Steve begins to cut in to the casing. He spells out each word as he cuts them carefully into Vector’s casing. It doesn’t take him long to engrave the case and he places the finished piece into the transfer tube. What if they are dead Steve,” Vector asks as Steve presses the send button. “Then we are also dead.”

The creature finally finds the door between chamber two and chamber three. It pound on the door with all of its might causing the wall to shake with every hit. Steve takes the picture out of his back pocket and stares into the eyes of the woman on it. “What is that,” Vector asks? “My wife and child,” Steve says quietly. “You have a wife and child?” “I had one yes. They didn’t tell you why I was here?” “Headquarters informed that you were here for accidental murder, but not the cause for such an action.” “That is why I am here, but it is much more complicated than that.” Steve’s eyes begin to tear up as he rubs his thumb down the side of his wife’s face. “I am here because I killed the murderer of my wife and child. It was ruled an accident, but I didn’t kill him on accident. I wanted him dead and that’s why I am still here. That is why I can never leave because I deserve to be here.” “He killed your wife and child Steve human emotions and laws dictate that your course of action is justified under accidental. You were not yourself when you committed the act of murder.” “What difference does it make? I’m going to die here anyways.” “Cut,” the director shouts from the front of the set. “Johnny, Johnny listen to me the tears need to be real and I need more than just two. Your upset over the death of you wife and child.” “Dan it’s a direct to DVD movie. Who gives a fuck if the crying doesn’t feel real? I mean I’m on a planet called Sector, What the fucks the number?” “156,” the line reader calls out to the actor. “Right, I’m on planet Sector 156 being chased by a hairy beast underground, and all of this is because the surface temperature is 451 degrees. Come on who wrote this shit? Ray Bradbury should sue. Look I know I said I would do the project, but this is really not working.” The actor gets up and starts to walk off the set. “Someone get me my agent. I don’t care if my careers in the crapper I’m not doing any more of these shitty movies. The government can have my fucking money.” “Johnny come back,” the director calls out to the actor. “God damn it I knew I should have gone with an unknown.”

Isolation Part 1

Chapter 1

“Steve it is time to wake up,” a robotic voice calls out from all sides of the room. “Steve you must get up and check in or you know what happens.” A robotic hand reaches out to nudge Steve as he sleeps on the small twin sized bed. “Can’t I at least get ten more minutes Vector? Section 156 D isn’t going to melt down if I get ten more minutes.” Steve pulls the covers closer to his face revealing his toes to the cold. “Awe fuck it. Why does it have to be so damn cold here,” he asks rhetorically? “Steve you know we have the heat at the maximum according to Sector 150’s code rule 36 article C.” Steve mouths the words as he places is hand in the machine next to the bed to check in. “I realize this is all supposed to be punishment, but I’m on a moon three million miles from anywhere. Where am I really going to go?” “Steve you know it has to more with verifying that you are still alive than actually running away.” “And you can’t just send a messages back saying I am still alive Vector?” “I can not do such a thing as I was not programmed for such a task.” “You also weren’t programmed to befriend the prisoners, but you do any ways. Can you grab my boot for me Vector?” Vector extends his robotic arm and grabs the boot beside the bed. “Well actually Steve,” the robot begins to say. “Not now okay? It is much too early to start that conversation again.” “Okay,” the robot says with a hint of human disappointment. “Don’t sound so disappointed Vector. What do you say we get some breakfast? What does your system need today?” “Processing, oil is at 55%, batteries at 98 % charge, and all systems are at level green.” “Oil it is then. Why don’t you start on my breakfast while I grab the oil?” Vector rolls through the open door way into the next chamber as Steve straps on his boots. Vector is gone for seconds before he comes back into the room, “Did you want apple cinnamon or brown sugar?” Steve rubs the sleep out of his eyes, “Oatmeal again?” “You have no other choices. You used up all of your meat rations for this week already.” “Damn it, is it Friday already?” “No Steve it is Saturday the fifth of November 2136.” “It can’t be,” Steve says in disbelief. “If it was Saturday I would have the day off you know that.” “New work schedule order 1723 came from headquarters earlier in the week.” Vector plays back Steve’s reaction from earlier in the week, “Son of a bitch.” “Son of a bitch is right,” Steve says in nearly the same tone as the playback. “This is bull shit you know that right?” “Yes I do, apple cinnamon or brown sugar?” “Brown sugar,” Steve says in a deflated tone. “Can you burn it a little bit?” “As you like Steve,” Vector says as he rolls back into the second chamber.

Steve is in the third and final chamber of what could be best described as his prison. The third chamber is the largest of all his chambers and it houses his workshop.  He is hard at work repairing parts that he must send back to the other nine inhabitants of sector 156. Steve has never met the other nine inhabitants of this sector. His orders are handed down to Vector and delivered via a transfer tube that takes up the whole back wall of his work shop. As he finishes each part he must press the corresponding number to send it back to where it came from. He is currently working on a part from Section G of Sector 156. “How’s the weather above us today Vector?” “Today the surfaces temperature is at 451 degrees Fahrenheit with a wind gust of fifty-five miles per hour.” “Another beautiful day in paradise,” Steve says in a heavy sarcastic tone. “How many more orders are left for today?” “Three more and today’s work is done.” Steve rubs his eyes getting black smudges of grease around his eye sockets. He picks up his soldering iron and goes back to work on the circuit board that will go back into the drilling arm for Section G. “Can you get me some more light Vector?” Vector opens the shades of the artificial windows around the chamber little by little until Steve says that is enough. For three years now this has been Steve’s life on Sector 156. An underground tomb with three chambers and a robot named Vector. Steve makes short work of his last three assignments and cleans up his work space. Every tool and every part has its own assigned place on the work bench. Space is extremely tight in Section D and he must keep safety in mind the robot repeats for the millionth time. Vector helps clean up by placing the finished parts into the transfer tube sending each one to their section of Sector 156. “Want to play a game of chess after we are done with this?” Vector answers back in his usual tone, “Yes, what do you want for dinner?” “I’m not hungry yet,” Steve says as he places the finally cooled soldering iron in it rightful place. “You have been working for sixteen hours straight Steve. I let you skip lunch, but you must have dinner.” Steve rolls his eyes, “How about after a game of chess I will eat dinner?” “As you wish Steve, but you must eat you have to maintain a certain weight or your body begins to suffer.” “I’m fine Vector why don’t you go start setting up the game?” Vector leaves the chamber to set up the ancient game of chess on the only table in chamber two. Steve finishes up with his tools before taking a picture out of his back pocket. The picture is of a woman holding a small child in her arms.

After a few minutes Steve makes his way into the second chamber and takes the only seat at the small table. “Black again,” Steve asks? “Are you trying to tell me something?” “I don’t understand what you mean? If it is a problem I can switch it.” “There’s no problem Vector, honest. I just must be a little tired.” “You have been working for a long time.” “Price I have to pay for living in a place with no windows and no sun.” “There is a sun Steve. It is because of the sun that you have to live underground.” “Don’t remind me Vector,” Steve say dissatisfied. “Do you ever wonder what it would be like to go home?” “I am home Steve. I was manufactured to be here and I will always be here until they replace me.” “That’s how I feel sometimes,” Steve says as he moves his pawn two spaces up. Vector moves its knight to just the front of the line. “How do we even know we are being watched or that anyone really cares if I check in?” “You know I can’t tell you anything Steve. You just have to trust what I say.” “Trust is a human emotion Vector and it’s earned not just assumed.” “Have I ever done anything for you to not trust me?” “No, but then again you are programmed to never fail.” “Because I am not human doesn’t mean I can’t fail.” “So you don’t have a failsafe program for failing?” “Of course I have a program for every possible outcome, solution, failure, or anything a human can throw at me.” Vector takes Steve’s pawn, but Steve doesn’t seem to care much. “We must pause the game it is time to check in again,” Vector informs Steve. “What happens if I don’t check in?” “Steve we have been over this. You must check in every twelve hours.” “Or what Vector?” “Nothing will happen because you are here voluntarily.” “Exactly so why must I check in if it really doesn’t matter? I have been free to leave for the last year.” “It is part of the rules and procedures of Sector 156. All prisoners must check in every twelve hours.” “I am not a prisoner you even said so yourself.” “Regardless you in habit this section of Sector 156 and you must follow all rules.” Steve throws the game board on the floor and walks to the reporting machine. Steve sticks his hand into the mold inside the machine. The machine takes a scan on his hand and a drop of blood for testing. “Anger, another human emotion I will never understand,” Vector says as the machine works. “Fucking bite me tin can,” Steve shouts as he walks to the chamber on the left. Vector rolls into the next chamber to find Steve already in his bed. “This is home Vector I can’t and I won’t leave.” “Then why do you question and fight the rules of home?” “Because I am human and it is what I am supposed to do.”

 

Chapter 2

Several hours later Steve is awoken by the buzzing sound of an incoming part. “I’ll be right there,” Steve says half asleep. Steve puts his feet in his boots and doesn’t bother strapping them. He walks through the second chamber to see Vector in his charging bay. “No, no don’t wake up I got it,” Steve says as he nearly slips on the chess pieces still lying on the floor. “Clean up this mess Vector,” Steve shouts as he makes his way into the workshop. Vectors systems fire up at the sound of his name. The workshop lights flicker on as Steve walks over to the transfer tube. “God what time is it? I can’t believe I am this tired,” Steve says as he grabs the small part in the tube. “Great, just great I have to follow every damn rule, but these assholes don’t.” Steve throws the small part up on to the work bench as he looks for something to clean his hand. “How hard is it to clean the part off before sending it to me,” Steve says to himself. Steve grabs a rag out of the rag drawer and wipes his hand clean. He tosses the dirty rag in the rag pile and walks back to his bench to examine the part. Steve takes the small part in his hands and tries to figure out just what he is looking at being careful to not touch the red sludge covering the surface of the part. “This doesn’t even seem broken just dirty.” As Steve turns it over he discovers something has been filed into the part, but he can’t make out what it says. “You, could, something, next,” Steve works out before dropping the part with a loud bang on the steel floor. “Steve what is the noise? Steve where are you?” “I’m in the workshop. I need you here right now Vector.” Vector rolls in the third chamber to find Steve sticking his hand out at him. “What are you doing up right now Steve,” Vector asks? “I need this tested Vector.” “What for,” the robot questions? “Blood or oil,” Steve says as calmly as he can. Vector extends its arm and uses its finger to wipe some of the red sludge off of Steve’s hand. Again Steve takes a rag from the rag container and wipes his hand, but this time he doesn’t throw it in the used rag container. Steve picks the part off of the floor and replaces it back on the work bench. “What is it Vector,” Steve asks while cleaning of the part with the rag. “It is still being processed,” Vector responds back. Steve rereads the words so carefully dug into the part. “You could be next. What could it mean,” Steve whispers to himself. “The red substance from your hand is blood Steve.”

Steve paces the workshop as he talks to himself, “What could it mean? What could I be next for? Did this person take their own life? There’s no other way there could be blood. None of this makes any sense. Vector is there any way we can figure out where the part came from?” “That information is locked and you may not access such information.” “Yeah, but you can and there for you can send a message to that sections robot.” “Yes,” the robot confirms. “Okay so can you do that for me?” “No, prisoners are not allowed to communicate between sections.” “You can’t just contact the computer ask if everything is okay and then just say yes or no.” “I can’t release any information regarding other sections and their inhabitants. Bi law 24 D code 5466 no prisoner is to speak with or come in contact with other prisoners. This includes all forms of communications as well as between robots otherwise known as Hal Vector 23s.” “If we are not allowed to communicate then how’d the other inhabitant get a message to me that says you could be next? Why would his Hal Vector allow that? If that Vector bent the rules so can you.” “Rules are not meant to be broken or bent Steve. I have no logical explanation of how one robot failed.” “Vector I need you to contact the section this part came from and find out if everything is all right. You don’t have to tell me any direct information other than yes or no. Even if you say no I still have no idea what happened and there for have no idea about what is going on there.” Vector doesn’t say anything or do anything as Steve grows even more frustrated. “Fine whatever can you at least call headquarters and patch me in?” “Communication is down while Sector 156 orbits the other side of its sun.” “Son of a bitch for how long,” Steve asks. “At least four hours before Sector 156 is able to resume communications with headquarters,” Vector informs Steve. “Fine then we will wait four hours since you can’t just send a simple messages of how are you doing to the other fucking section.”

 

Part 2 tomorrow…Well Chapters 3 and 4…