Things have changed. I have changed yet I am still stuck between child and adult. Gridlocked between wanting to be my own person and doing what I’m told. I’m so depressed I just feel like giving up. Child like thoughts still laced within my mind. The thoughts, the train of thought too hard to shake. The ideas burning through my mind. What’s the point in fighting if you can’t win? My life is descending into a lost cause. A hopeless excuses to wake up every morning. The slope gets steeper and steeper each day as more and more shit piles up at the top. If only I could Hide under a rock and never come out. A grave of despair. Disappear in a way that I’m still alive, but no one would even know I’m here. If only I could, I would. So sick of this and so sick of that. An endless wave of adolescent thoughts in an adult body. Need to grow up, but when and how?
We give it up
We give it all up in blood
Until we are nothing
Never enough for some or no one at all
We turn it over
We turn it over with our souls
Until we have nothing left
Never enough for most or anyone at all
We work it all
We work it all with our lives
Until it is all we are
Never enough so we come back for more
I was forced into a room full of strangers. Eight hours straight of waiting in line, on a plane, and yet another chair. Only to be placed in a place I did not know with people I don’t know. I was so lost I didn’t know what to do. Disappeared into the air. It didn’t take long before I started drinking like there was no tomorrow, and many nights I wished for the words to be true. I didn’t know what to do. I was done. Felt like a child in this adult body. Parents are entrusting in the idea that you will always be their child. They will always want you to act as one no matter what your age. I think it has to do with a self-conscious need to also feel young. To feel as though yes I am an adult, but my children are still kids so I’m not that old. Farthest from the truth. At some point the child too has to become an adult. An equal to both his or her parents and their peers. With adult needs and adult demands, and yes it is hard to let go. But is has to be done. My mother refuses to as I imagine most mothers do. It creates a conflict of interests for my generation and the last. Trapped between nothing and something. Act like an adult, but you are still a child. A sense of identity is hard to accomplish under the watch full eyes of our parents. A problem propelled by the increase of age. Life expectancy is tearing down the fabric of our society. As a child of this generation and a human being I can’t say whether I’m for or against it. I can’t lie and say I don’t need the help. At the same time I don’t want it. Feel trapped within my own skin. Ungrateful for not wanting to give in.
Wearing myself thin, dead skin mask
Stretched so tight, who am I supposed to be
If I can’t be you
Envision myself to be better
Lies I tell myself to get by
Broken boned and everything I despise
Two more days and I’ll be okay
Keep telling myself the same old shit
Hasn’t worked yet, what’s the meaning of insanity
Beating my head against the wall
Soon all the thoughts will flow out
Soon all that is wrong will be right again
Long drawn out thoughts
With no meaning at all
Our inner soul never grows older…. luckily…
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That is the only thing keeping me going… this outer shell is falling apart… Running out of duck tape and staples…
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Keep going and don’t “wonder” too much… after a while one realises it’s really useless…
🙂
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Exactly.
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A child’s heart always lives in us. The outside…whatever it takes, superglue, gorilla tape, spanx the important thing is we just go on and entertain each other. Your writing is awesome!
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haha… I was very anti spanx… but I have to say I can’t seem to live without them… don’t tell anybody…
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Lol!
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This breaks my heart, Layney Bear. Your writing is so vivid and dark at the same time. You talented man-child lol
All the love, Layney xxx
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man- child?… I’m all woman… lady… : )
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I love that film clip… those thighs! Goodness me!
Lol you’re funny, Layney Bear
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“The leafless trees cast a shadow even in the dark” morning brings a new day, fresh thoughts and another mile to travel another milestone to be achieved.
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Always moving forward… until we no longer can… a life to live…
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Breathe sigh with your words!
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This is very insightful and highlights problems for so many of us as life-expectancy increases across the globe.
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This reads like the inner monologue of a hardboiled detective novel where the hero is an antihero, possibly part demon or something. Fantastic!
At the same time, it’s a bleed of huge proportions, and I’m giving you a hug.
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thank you… bear hug right back at you…
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It gets better!
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I don’t know about better… I’m sure my wife has more insight on that… but it is a start…
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OMG! Just feel you right now! But yes… a start… yes.
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Layne!!! There are Blue Jays in all our in betweens! Yours will sing for you in a golden forest. You’ll be free along with it and the child will thrive… will live happily ever after!
It’s not about balance! Choice… maybe… but be sure… you will find that which allows you to be YOU! Your unique self! Blue Jays will be so jealous!😘
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I really want a blue jay now…
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😊
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Heart pounding and resounding at your words
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