Broken Thoughts Love Edition

 

Quickly realizing I don’t write a lot if anything about love… Been digging through everything I have to find stories, poems, thoughts about love and I am coming up empty… Oddly enough Valentines Day is one of my favorite holidays… I like hearts… One of my favorite design logos is the main logo for Alkaline Trio… My two favorite holidays are Valentines and Halloween… Both are commercial holidays which again conflicts with my beliefs about commercialism… Commercialism is… Stop… Stop… must think about love… A bewildering emotion that comes and goes… Doesn’t last forever… but then does anyone really know?… Smashing my head into the keyboard…

Love is… a dangerous thing… it can make you do things you never thought you would ever do… Love can drag you through the depths of hell… it can make you feel as though heaven is a place here on earth… fuck it… today I’m not going to be cynical… I’m not going to shit on everything… I’m not in the mood… close your mouth…  prepare your anus… the cosmos wants me to tell a love story… then I’ll tell a god damn love story… 

My wife and I met when we were young… stupid… and had no ideas for the future… No plans… a few unrealistic dreams that have long since withered and died… I’m not a famous rock star… hell I’m barely a shitty writer… hang on to those dreams kids… the point is we were just being kids… we dated for about a week… I use the word dated very loosely… we hung out maybe twice in that week… haha… our first date was at my seventeenth birthday party… My mom threw a surprise party for me with everyone that we knew… all my friends were there of course… some of my mom’s friends… some people I knew around where I hung out… It was one hell of a party… but none of it mattered… because the one person I never expected to be there… was there… it was as though everything else didn’t exist… didn’t matter…

Jumping ahead… you need context… you need to understand… that this wasn’t just a random meeting set up by my mother and friends… I had first seen my wife a year and a half before… we lived in the same area… turns out across the street from each other… but we took separate buses… I’m early for everything… first to class… first to leave… first on the bus… I am the white rabbit… except I learned my lesson… never be late… so I’m sitting on the bus.. listening to my depressing music… and this girl walks by… slow motion… everything stops… the music disappears… catching a theme here?… as I watch her walk by… I memorize her face… I hope she gets on my bus… and I am crushed when she doesn’t… destroyed but only a little… tomorrow I will find out who she is… It was the first week of high school… I figured I’ll see her in the halls… then I didn’t… I looked… every day… never saw her…

The high school I went to was tiny… it was actually a middle school and high school all in one… Not seeing her in the halls is not all that shocking… I found out later that is because she is younger than me… so I didn’t see her… for a long time… so I “forgot” about her… started dating other girls… mostly older girls… I took advanced classes in high school… a year or more goes by and I see her from time to time… but still, I don’t talk to her because I’m shy… Because I’m in a relationship… because of reasons… then one winter someone I know… knows her and invites her to hang out… lucky for me it was cold outside… because I’m pretty sure my face was red the whole time… My shyness kicked in… my insecurities of how much of a loser I am… they were all on high that day… here I was hanging out with her… who was she?… who am I?… what do I say?… I say nothing… finally after all this time… I say nothing…

That was the best day on a long list of best days… but all that I knew at the time was that I wanted to see to her again… the search was on… I found out her name through the acquaintance we had… but I don’t run into her…. I need to run into her… so… the school we went to had its own email set up thing… it was really basic… shitty… and a pain in the ass to use… you young kids don’t know how easy you have it… So I email her… sent her my credentials for good old MSN Messenger… and I said something cool… like do you want to hang out sometime?… I was very smooth for my age… meanwhile… I got heavy into Nine Inch Nails and industrial music that year before… Shaved my head… everything except my bangs… which I grew down to my chest and dyed black… black fingernail polish… miss that so much… lip ring… and “arm socks”… fishnets if I was lucky… my mother approved of everything but the fishnets… whole other story… I waited days for a response… a lifetime in teen years… and all it said was… yes….

Then my birthday came up… my friends invited her to the party… no idea what happened at the party…because we were holding hands… honestly didn’t care about the party… I walked her home… and just before we got there.. we had our first kiss… I was already hooked on this girl… but after that kiss I was ready to die… it was as PG as you could get… but in my head… in my memory… it was like a god damn nuclear explosion… so when we broke up a week later it wasn’t the best time of my life… As much as I wanted to be with her… and turns out she wanted to be with me… the age thing got in the way… It made things awkward… Being older… “more experienced”… there were things I knew about.. hint.. hint.. that I was afraid would happen… I didn’t want her to feel pressured into things… turns out she didn’t want to be pressured into anything either… of course, neither of us knew that… the communication channel was basically shut down… we are both very shy… so when we were in person… neither of us would talk… had she known all that other adult shit didn’t matter to me… that I was happy just to be around her… we might have stayed together longer…

We still remained friends… she added me to MSN… we talked every night… then one day she had to move… leaving out details… but her parents found new jobs… common for where I lived and what our parents did for work… we were young… I’d never been in love… I’m sure she hadn’t either… I didn’t know I was even in love… I thought nothing of my feelings for her… thought that they were normal everyday feelings… until the day she left… until the day I never thought I would see her again… the day my heart was ripped from my chest… then I knew… I knew what love was… what it could be… who it was for… that I needed to be with her… it would be almost three years until I would see her again… and every day I waited was worth it….

 

19 thoughts on “Broken Thoughts Love Edition”

  1. This was so breathe sigh worthy! Serious! I’m all… and… the age difference thing… it’s in my novel!

    Adorable and wonderfully touching! I don’t believe in vday… because love… friendship… should be an everyday thing. But it is really nice that you posted this today! Love is grand! You can’t live with it but you can’t live without it.

    Hugs sweets! I have been blissfully happy for months now and smiling all the time… but if I wasn’t already… this post is magical! Slaps the smile on your face! Glues it with super forking glue!!!

    Blue Jays everywhere right now my friend!!!!😘

    Liked by 5 people

      1. I’m headed in the direction… of… Publishing traditionally. 😕 so taking some time. Lol.

        Layne! You’re a darling! And this story needs to be fleshed out! First Romance by Layne “Blue Jay” Ambrose!

        Could be the novel that launches you into… bigger things. 😉

        Liked by 3 people

      2. The traditional route does take a long time… make sure you tell them in your letter that you can sell at least three copies right out the gate… because we are waiting… : )

        Sadly love is not my thing… so I won’t be expanding on this story as I am still living it.. maybe after I pass?… the lost Ambrose book?… something to think about… Liking this Blue Jay idea though…

        Liked by 3 people

      3. Well… you can always fiction the real life story… and the end… is the beginning.

        Sadly… NOT! Love is at the root of all your posts! 😉

        You’re in deep… you don’t even know it! The Blue Jay… is about… coloring silver linings into everything you write! 😊

        I told you this… before… can’t truth the way you do without a heart of gold! That’s love!

        Now… it doesn’t have to be romance… but one big fleshy broken thought… vulgar mixed in. What happened during the in betweens?

        Just saying! 😉😘

        Liked by 3 people

      4. You are… so amazing Mel… : )

        In between… I waited in a dark room… scratching at the sides of my walls… until my claws were sharp enough… my teeth long enough… my wings strong enough… then I took flight… dancing across the sky… hunting into the night… the Blue Jay hunts for more than pain… searching for a reason to be whole once again… a struggle beyond what I know… the hurt is all I have to drive the weakest parts of me… something like that?…

        Liked by 3 people

  2. You tore my fucking heart out with this, Layne! Made me happy, feeling that someone else has happiness, and from such an early age! From the beginning! It’s always good when love surrounds you and takes over, and it’s real and natural…

    Mel is right. Write this story. Write your heart out just like this, and pepper your broken thoughts between, but this is the framework that holds you together, holds you tight and kisses your face.

    I’m convinced now that half the reason you rant is really… Just… That…

    You miss her. Longing…
    And that’s fucking beautiful 😊😑

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Yay!!! A love post from Layney Bear! I feel bad it took me soo long to get to it!
    You write love so well, Laynes… this was just so gorgeous… And I love that you wrote it all in italics too…
    Oh man… my heart is just swelling right now.
    I agree with the above peeps… you should write an love story with your edge… no “knives in vajayjays” sort of edge lol but like your other edge lol
    Love this. Love you.
    Oh and do you still have the lip ring?

    Liked by 2 people

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