And I’m Back Again
The woman plops down every sex toy we have in the store, which isn’t much but she has managed to find every single one we offer. She’s found every single lubricant, every vibrating touch, she even brought up every men’s vibrating razor, and every battery to back them up. There is now a large pile of cherry, pineapple, warming, and her pleasure lubricants I now have to sort through piled up next to my register. I can’t lie and say that this doesn’t happen often because it does, but this has to be the largest assortment I have ever had to ring up. The woman gives me a look that says I don’t give a fuck. “What are you doing after work,” she asks? “Busy,” is all I can muster to her question. She’s not bad looking even for her age, but I have no interest in women right now. I already have too many problems to deal with in my life. “That’s too bad,” she sighs. “We could have had a good time,” she says. I nod my head to show her that I am listening. She isn’t even bothered that I turned her down. I know I am no catch or even that attractive, but it stings slightly in my cold dead heart that she doesn’t even care that I want nothing to do with her. “I’m dying,” she says out of nowhere as if this is something strangers say to each other every day. I start to bag up her purchases. “I have this fucked up cancer. Doctors say a couple of months and I’m dead. So, I decided what the hell I’m going to go on a trip. I’m going to go all around the United States and I’m going to have sex with anyone that has the slightest interest in me.” I have to admit that her desperation is turning me on a little bit, but I just nod my head again as if this is an acceptable response to what she has told me. “Figure I wasted most of my life being the conservative type and in the end, I’ll only die alone. So, who cares about what there is on the other side waiting for me if I already wasted this life so far,” tears start to form in her eyes. Truth be told I have no idea what to say to this lady. Inside I am dying, but inside she is truly dying. She hands me the money as we stand in silence. “You might want to get some condoms,” I finally say. She laughs as I hand her the change and tears fall from her cheeks. She takes the bags of supplies and begins to walk out of the store. I tell her good luck as she leaves.
My night went from bad to worse and most of it was all my fault. Have I rationalized suicide as an easy way out or am I really as fucked up as I think? I am confused about what I want and how things should be. A sheltered life has left me wondering if there’s something more or am I really living all there is to live. My lifelong depression kicks in and despite all my self-medicating I sulk the rest of the night wondering what or where it is that I went wrong. As if life is based on actual roads and at some point I just took a wrong turn, and all I need to do is turn around. I’m back here again, but what if I never left this place, to begin with? What if I never took a wrong turn I only got stuck in the mud? I still have time. I could still get out and make the right choice or even the wrong one but at least I wouldn’t be here. Where I am right now. I hate when I get like this. It’s like my mind gets so murky and sludge like that my thoughts make no sense to me, but yet I can’t shut them off. Even with the drugs, it’s like my thoughts are stuck in my head. I start to regret everything I have ever done or thought or felt and realize that no amount of regret can undo anything in a lifetime. Life is nothing more than an unfair existence and a waste of time. I could kill myself right now but what would be the point? What would I really be saying if I did it now right here stuck in the middle of nothing? All I would be saying is that I am weak, that I am pointless, and I don’t believe that I am any of these things at all. I may not be a good person by definition but I am not a bad person either. I’ve spent too much of my life on the line and just like that lady I fear that one day there will be nothing that actually defines me. Other than words like waste, pointless, and regret. Too many thoughts in my head.
Yes… she is a reference to the same woman in Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk… I’m not ashamed that I took something from someone I admire… we all take something from someone… if you haven’t read Fight Club… please do… though Survivor is a much better book… the kind of book I wish I could write but Chuck already did it… asshole…