August 2018 – Chewing On Glass

I Am The End Of All Your Dreams…

Today will be a little different from normal… or a lot of the same… depends on how you view my odd writing style… today I answer questions from you… well three of you… I appreciate the three of you very much… the rest of you… the rest of you must have just been too busy… whatever… I get… I have a life too… I think… So lets open up that mail bag and see what we’ve got… (All responses are my own… and do not reflect the thoughts and opinions of those of us that work at Is That A Funeral?… Any allusion to anyone person living or dead… is probably on purpose…)

First question. “Why do you suck?” brought to us by Jesus.

Well, thank you Jesus… all I have to say to your oh so serious question… Big talk from someone who couldn’t even write their own story… drops the mic…

Next up we have two questions from Ms. Lemons herself. Fuck The Lemonade if you are nasty. “How are you?” and “What would you like to drink?”

At the moment I am great… I may or may not have had too much to drink already… I mean I am answering a question from Jesus… but I’m also not running in the streets naked… screaming come and get me while swing a bat at the cops… I just gave away my plans for this evening… damn… as for what I like to drink… it varies… depending on my mood… and if I have any money… but… Whiskey and ginger ale… is a hit around this homestead… I mean… drinking is bad… how dare you ask me such questions… young lady… wildly inappropriate… or right on target?… so very unsure… next… : )

Question 3 comes from the amazing Lisa @LismorePaper, “Maybe you have said before, but the penguin, is there a story?”

With me there is always a story… haha… sadly this one isn’t very exciting… there is a great debate here at Chewing On Glass… whether I created the image myself or if I found it… I proclaim that I drew it myself… my wife on the other hand believes that I found it… to be honest that makes way more sense… because I can’t draw for shit… I have tried to reverse google search the image… and I can’t find it… so that leads me to believe that I did it myself… that’s the pretext to this story…

The penguin… at this point has to be my spirit animal… fun fact I re-watched Fight Club recently and the narrator’s spirit animal also happens to be a penguin… which I must admit made me smile… I don’t know if I have ever mentioned I am a huge fan of Chuck Palahniuk… getting off point… I have always been drawn to Antarctica… or penguins for that matter… maybe it is the subtext of isolation… yet with a family… the idea of an island… the idea that the only way to truly see me is to visit?… so much to unpack there…

To answer your question though… the penguin became “my symbol” because when I signed up for this website… it was the only image I had on my writing computer… I had every intention to go back and changes it… but I’m pretty lazy… haha… so it became my calling card… the cute amongst the blood… along with the pain… a contradiction of sorts… proving I’m not completely lost… just a little broken… also Mel really liked it… and as she was an early friend… I let it stay… I was going to change it to the bloody words… or something else that I have worked on… but for all reasons above… why?…

Digging deep within the bag of questions. We have the one and only… Fox… Over on Low On Juice. “What’s the worst mistake you’ve ever done?”

You are amazing kid… but wow… real dark right out the gate… haha…

My worst mistake… I’ve been thinking about this for the last few days… I mean it could be a couple of things… it could have been have the time I killed that homeless man while his dog watched… should have killed the dog too… I just couldn’t bring myself to hurt something so innocent… : )… that’s a reference to American Psycho… by another one of my favorite authors… Bret Easton Ellis… it could have been dropping out of college… hell it could have been getting married… having a kid… moving to Texas… not killing myself at sixteen because I was bored… the things about mistakes kid… is that they happen… and it doesn’t matter… it is how you handle them that matters…

Yeah, I dropped out of college… oh well… I went to figure out what I wanted to do… I wanted to do this… could it have been easier with a degree?… doubtful but who knows… was it settling down?… I have a connection with my wife that I don’t have with anyone else in the world… having a kid?… I have a chance of creating the coolest fucking kid in the world… or another asshole.. jury is out… haha… moving to Texas… that one was tough… I gave up a lot for that… looking back though… after I got through all the shit… I have gained a lot… not killing myself… I wouldn’t have met you… hands down… worth living…

Maybe I do nothing… maybe I become the next Stephen King… doesn’t matter… it is about moments… it is about pulling through… mistakes happen… we all fuck up… but riding out the storm… how you handle it all… that’s what it takes to be a man… to be a woman… to be a person on this earth… shit happens… mistakes happen… life happens… I am far from perfect… but what separates me from what I see… is that I get back up and I try again… I fucking try… at what ever I do… it may seem easy… none of this is easy…

You can have goals… and you should… but know that the real goal should always be… be the best person you can be… yeah someone else will be more lucky… someone else will have more… some one else will whatever the fuck… end of the day are you the best person you can be?… did you do everything that you are capable of doing?… that’s what people truly judge you on… not your mistakes… you’ve got a good head on those shoulders… keep at it… and you will be fine… don’t linger on the things that don’t matter… if you fuck up make it right… know that you are human… know that we all make mistakes…

Songs for you to hear… because that’s who I am… Vacant Skies by Sparta… The Grudge by Tool.. and The Patient by Tool… I hope you enjoy…

Thank you to all that submitted a question… you are awesome… and I thank you from the bottom of my heart… it may seem black and hollow at times… but that is only the way it seems… because of you… it is full of love… and I thank you…

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Chewing On Glass… Year 2… Burning Down The House…

“Burning down the house while listening to Purple Rain. I set that mother fucker ablaze. An end to an era. An end to everything. We speak in broken records. Broken words that never make any sense. We drown our sorrows in pain. Choking on a glass of suffering. It all came to me once I understood the meaning of everything. Chewing on glass may never be the same. Screaming our please and thank yous. Were we ever normal to begin with? A life time in the making. A life time left to go. Where things go from here. Only the Devil and I know. “

“So, basically you are just going to ramp up the crazy from here on out?” She asks.

“Yeah, pretty much,” I say with a twisted smile.

I know what I am saying is ignorant
World’s based on ignorant themes
Fitting in was never easy
Taking the step off the bus into the darkness
Early morning thoughts only keep me mourning
Everything around me
Society or a group of assholes?

Sifting through the cold ashes of everything I know
Watching it all burn was a freedom you can’t control

Carving your name into bone
Don’t want to forget what I’m searching for
Really I just want to go home
So sick of only seeing your voice
Hearing your smile
Been so long since I found out
What it means to be ripped inside out

How do you do this?
Look to you for strength
As I stare into the abyss
That is my obsession and wonder
How do you do this to yourself?
For everyone else?
Wondering how I could be you
The strongest person I know
Weak and insecure
Kill myself if it wasn’t for you
Destroy everything
If I didn’t think I could be you
How weak can I be
To dream of being someone who isn’t me
My love turns to admiration
One day I will become
Everything you’ve ever loved
Defining definition of everything
That has become my mission
(For My Mother)

“That is the best thing you haven’t said all day.”
Abigail Zaveri, The Reason Of All Things

Been sitting on a lot of this for a while… felt good to get it off my chest… well out of my head… free up some space for other things… I should make a new logo for this year… I always come up with all of these ideas at the last second… this is why I need an editor… or an agent to point me in the right direction…

My new obsession lately is building bird houses out of scrap wood… wire… and other random things that I find… when I finish the one I am working on… I will post pictures…

There is still time to get in any questions you may have… tonight or early next morning… still unsure how time works in the world… is the dead line… hopefully there will be enough or it is going to get really weird up in here… not really much of a threat… might happen anyway… one can hope…

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Not So Depressing Or Maybe It Is

This Misery

I pretend like I don’t need this
I need every bit, every piece
Of this misery
I pretend like I hate it here
But here is where I feel most at home
In this misery
I pretend like I don’t need this
I need every minute, every second
Of this misery
I pretend like I am better than this
In truth I’m so much worse
Then I give myself credit for
This misery may be all I have
Yet I regret every minute of every second
Every bit, every instance of this place called home
Disown my own self from everything that I know
The misery never leaves me
Sown deep within my bones, within my soul
Could this be all that I know

Stuck

Living in hell
Mortal damnation
Abomination
Salvation and all
That other shit
Stuck living in regret
Stuck pretending I give a shit
Stuck in a hole, left here down below
Living in sin
Immortal acceleration
Condonation
Salvation and all
That other shit
Stuck living in regret
Stuck pretending I give a fuck
Stuck in a hole, well defined
By the walls I have put up

I hesitate to call this work, but it is. I put in long hours each and every day. With little to no repayment. Though in all fairness I’d be doing this anyways whether anyone was reading it or not. I do this more because I don’t think anyone is going to read it. A purge of the mind left some where in time. In a sense I think that this is my broken way of saying thank you. I used to do this alone. That is what I’m used to. Lately I have had to rebuild my broken thoughts and look at how I write.

I write from a fucked up book of past regrets. In other words a green binder with everything I have said in my head over the last three years. Before I started this website I saw this monstrosity as profound. After retyping and rereading everything I realize more than ever that I was stuck. Stuck repeating the same broken sentences, the same broken thoughts over and over again.

With that said I’m kind of lost as of late. How I write and what I say never had a deadline. It was something I did and walked away. No one was going to read it or judge it or care about it. That has been the hardest part of this whole experience. How much do I hold back? How much do I care what other people think? About what you think?

Deep down I pretend that I don’t care. In truth I do. I look forward to responses. I look forward to hearing what you have to say. I’m addicted to what my new friends are saying. It is a strange feeling. The past few years it has only been me. I spend hours a day reading all the posts from everyone. I don’t think that I have ever read so much in my life. I know I need to take a break, but I don’t want to. Pushing through is all I have ever known.

So things may be different from here on out. I’m sure I’ll still be an asshole from time to time. But I can already tell that I am different. I’m not that same as when I started all of this. What I mean is that you have had an impact on me and it is what it is. Which is why this will now be a political blog. Full of politics, conspiracy theories, and well in fact Wednesdays are switching from Broken Thoughts to Crazy Thoughts. We are going to get real weird up in here. So prepare your anus for that. You won’t believe the things that I believe, but just wait and see. Maybe I’m not as crazy as you think.

Just fucking with you… haha… the binder is done… last two poems… up top… going rogue from here and out… you know minus all the shit I have been writing in the last year… did you really think that I have been just sitting around… retyping all shit from the past?… well I haven’t… been sitting around the whole time… I’ve written enough stuff for a post or two… I’m really excited though to show off some of the stuff that I have been working on… some of it is different… some of it is the same… excited to go back and revisit… I’ve been posting some of it on twitter here and there over the last year… so you might see some stuff again… a lot still in my head too… can’t shut this shit off… haha… well this is turning into a long post… Year Two Starts on Wednesday… well maybe… see how I feel…

Still Have Shit at Threadless… Amazon… Etsy… and Twitter…

Well This Should Be Fun…

I had a lot of fun doing a Q and A with myself… last week… so I thought why not this week do one with all of you?… kind of like the blog awards… but not… so leave a question down below in the comments… or on Twitter… and I will or I won’t answer them by Friday… for Friday’s post… so questions need to be in by Thursday morning at the latest… If you don’t want me to link you to your question… let me know… This should be fun…

penguin

Then It Hit Me… Lazy Sunday… Two Days Early

Beginning of Time

Feel as though I had something to say
Oh well didn’t matter anyway
I can’t turn it off
Even when I’m done
Keeps building well past the point
Of being fun
In the end we” just wish for being dead
In the end we’ll all live in sin
Do you know what I mean
When I question the idea of being alive
Do you know what it means
To watch it all die
Feel as though I had something to say
I guess it doesn’t matter anyway

Made Me

Standing naked in front of a mirror
A common occurrence among the self-conscious
Judge every flaw as though I had a hand at all
A common misconception among the humane
Bleeding to know why
Bleeding to feel the pain
Understand this is not for me
A girl among the wolves of man
A woman torn to shreds
Forgive me if I can’t forgive
Forgive me if I can’t forget
Who I am is who I never wanted to be
If the words are true
I am how you made me

A bit lazy today… my mind has been all blank… nothing really to say… though I’d love to speak… loved to sit here and spend the time writing… problem is… I’ve only been sitting here… no point in forcing it… hasn’t worked so far… I’m going to go try to sit in another chair and see if that helps…

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Broken Thoughts… Good For Your Health?…

Probably not… but here we go anyway…

Share A Time In Your Life When You Were Embarrassed?

So glad that you asked… my first post… had no fucking idea what I was doing… three days in I was thinking… why did I even bother… should give up and quit… now these words and thoughts are all over the internet… how could I ever believe I would connect with anyone in this world… then it happened… a like… one like… meant more to me than anything had in years… someone actually thought my thoughts were worth a like… my whole attitude towards this mess… changed… rode the “like” dragon for a while after that… but that is a whole other story… so if you hate or like anything that I am doing you can thank the liker… Little Fears… it is all his fault…

Why Do Some Kids Use Drugs?

This is always something that I have gotten… but then at the same time don’t understand at all… I drink and I do other things that I shouldn’t… I’d main line caffeine if I thought it could keep my eyes open for five more minutes… I’m not above it… I’m not above anything… I believe in free will… good or bad… we need to make our own choices… that is life to me… but if you can watch Requiem For A Dream… and right after be like Heroin looks like a fun drug… go fuck yourself… because that is all you are doing… there is no escape from all of this… we can visit… we can think that there is… but this is fucking life… as shitty and as grand as it can be… this is it… with that said I’ve never done acid… and I’ve heard nothing but bad things… torn between my beliefs… my responsibilities… the reality of life… so why do some kids use drugs?… because they want the escape… they want to take that escape hatch to some place else… not to Wonderland… not to greatness… but a darkness that I never want to understand…

Also… watch Requiem For A Dream… fuck the US anti drug campaign… that is all anyone should ever need… There is also Candy... Trainspotting… you know what don’t do fucking drugs… the shit is awful… if you want to get high… go run or… you know what go help someone less fortunate than you… Life is fucking hard… and I love you… Destroying yourself… will never lead to something better…

What Feelings Do You Have The Most Trouble Expressing?

Face to face?… honesty… I’m a great fucking liar… I like too… I enjoy the shit out of it… not change your life… fuck you over lies… but know that if I retell a story about anything we have done… how our day went… that shit is going to be epic… which is odd… because when I write… when I do the first draft of these blogs and thoughts… it is so easy to say the truth… so easy that it is boring… I go back… think how would I say this to your face…

With that said… the only person I have no problem being honest to their face… is my wife… we have to lie to our children… when they are young at least… and even then I try not too… in fact my wife is always telling me to dial it back… she is three… haha… but I can’t lie to my wife… she has my heart on a string… a life support that I need… but face to face?… you and me?… I’m probably lying about something…

When You Are Alone And No One Can See You or Hear You, What Do You Like To Do?

First off… am I in a fucking coma?… because I have a three-year old… with the worst case of ADHD I could possible imagine… that I have long since abandon my believe on the subject… this shit is real people… love that monster… but she is fucking crazy… honestly I feel bad for the rest of you… haha… good luck… I did my best…

This question should be pretty obvious… I like to write… I always have… since I was thirteen… back when I thought writing was just writing words that rhythm… so yesterday… haha… seriously… early me… “I like gopher guts in gruel… because I hate school”… that’s real… hey… be jelly… thirteen year old me was fucking awesome… that’s why I had no friends and endless time to fail… fail I did… so hard… fun fact of life… you have to fail… failure is the only way to get better… well that an repetition… but if you aren’t failing… what the fuck are you doing?…

What Is Your Favorite Food?

Yakisoba… all fucking day every fucking day… specifically… yakisoba from this tiny ass noodle shop in Misawa Japan… Cheese Roll Noodle… no idea if that is the real name of the place… but that is what we called it… when I lived there… the food… the food is so fucking good… I miss Japan every day… most of all I miss that place… if I could live there I would… no need for pay… just feed me… well now I’m depressed… too far from home I suppose… if you are ever in that tiny ass town in northern Japan… you have to go there… because what else are you going to do?… get drunk at train park?…

I miss Japan so much… when I was there I didn’t really care for Anime… now that I am here in the US… I love Anime… Manga… not just for their apparent greatness… I’ve gotten ahead of myself… I like Anime’s that deal with every day life… because I miss the street signs… I miss the roads… I miss the fucking exit signs… Mini Stop food… the hundred Yen stores… the weather… the smells… the shrines… everything… Air Gear I hear is a shit Anime… love that shit… not enough shots of the locations though… Chobits… amazing… FLCL… the end shots of the streets… I miss Japan every day…

I hope you enjoyed this edition of Broken Thoughts… All questions came from that Ungame…. game I talked about a few months back… I know… that was supposed to be a thing… never turned out that way… alright I’m done sharing… enjoy your day… thanks for sitting through the madness… to learn a little bit more about me…

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Shorter Is Always Better…

Only Way This Ends

Weak against the strong
The current will carry us all
How your treat one
Will determine how we fall
Weak against the strong
The current situation affects us all
The weak verses the strong
The weak against the strong
Who will kill us all

Five More Minutes

Running out of things to say
Might be time to take a break
And run away
A way from the guilt
All the pain
Times are tough even
With a mind full of shit to say
Wish it all could go away
Treated, medicated the time has passed
Forgetting, forgiveness it all couldn’t last
Can’t let go of the past
Dreading the future of all things left
Predicting predictions full of shit
Time last forever in my head

Chewing On Glass

Going retro with the logo today… Which despite being done by the amazing artist… Jock… doesn’t really fit the whole aesthetic of what I’m trying to do here… then again what the fuck am I doing here?… haha… also I don’t own the rights to the art… though I did at more blood… pixel by pixel… okay I added five red squares of blood and then said fuck it… I think I am still legally protected by fair use laws… (I’m not sure… but if I had to guess… I am not protected at all…)

So why am I talking about old logos?… well lately I have been thinking of revamping the website… adding more pages… more logos… some other shit… which got me thinking about making short films and GIFs… because that’s how my brain works… and because I don’t have enough shit to avoid at the moment… really I just want more blood… lots of blood… like the scene in the Shining…

blood wall

My favorite part about this movie… and this scene… is when the blood splashes against the white wall… I looked for a longer GIF… but this was the best one… the chaos of it all… sends shivers done my spine… shivers of excitement… hopefully I am retreading on facts you already know… but Kubrick was somehow able to convince the ratings board at the time… that all that red was rusty water… that to me alone is insane… great film if you haven’t seen it… you should… “I’m not going to hurt cha”….

Anyway… more blood… that is where this was going… more blood… darker images… and a thousand more broken promises… things to look forward to… on Chewing On Glass…

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