This Might Get Weird… Real Quick…

So many thoughts coming across the screen… where to begin… when there is so much shit coming at me?… it’s like an endless fucking problem… that no one can figure out… I want to be here… but do I really?… do these things really matter when everything keeps moving?… God… I hope so… Lets start this train wreck of a post… 

 

Rethinking Reason

They say we all have something to say
The lights come on and the words fall out

Needless to say my mind is blank
My lungs bleed to my own stupidity
Frustrated by the every things that make me, me
If I could change one thing
I couldn’t just pick one
So, this exercise is stupid
Thinking about my problems is a waste of time
Stop me if you heard but I don’t care
They say we all have something to say
Well fucking say it already
Rethinking reason because what else was there to do today
When was I ever supposed to feel okay
Could you spell out the reasons
That I shouldn’t jab this fucking pen into my throat
Your silence says more than I ever could
Happen to agree
Happen to want the same things
Fucked myself by ever saying anything
They say we all have something to say
Who the fuck are they anyway?

 

 

If I Told You… Still Wouldn’t Believe Me… Truth…

Sucking on a tailpipe
Getting that feeling back in my lungs
You wouldn’t know
For a second 
Where I’m coming from
Driving the nail 
So deep within my brain
I want to feel this
Fuck you for trying to stop me
Call yourself a friend
A lover, a thing
Let me do it then
Care so much
Your hugs only make me feel
Ugly, stupid, useless
The pain was all I ever wanted
You think you’ve ever known
Why
How many times can you save me
From me?… 
How many times are you willing to
Die?…
I”ll take everything from you
The selfish fucking ass that I am
Suck you fucking dry
A word to the wise
I’d happily watch you die
You’ve always wanted to know
Who I am
Never shied away from what I’ve become
Embraced all the thoughts that make me whole
Always said, always believed
But it has been you that has been living a lie
Nothing more than flowers 
Left at your grave
What you’ve always meant to me
Could you ever believe the truth?

 

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This should go without saying… I’m fucking gone… every songs a reason to go on… rambling was all I was ever good at… a fucking pity party… your invited… but if you aren’t going to take a stab?… why the fuck would you ever show up?… If I Told You It Was So Easy To Lose My Mind…. would you ever believe me… built on the inception of a lie… built on everything that I despise… “Felt like destroying something beautiful”… stab myself in the face mentally… always nice to get away… regretting everything I’ve said… but who the fuck else would ever listen to me?… a psycho with nowhere else to go… a single trap… created by me… a grave I’ve dug myself… why the fuck most this ever go on?… 

A silence comes over me… a moment to understand… I moment to realize…  I was never good enough to be anything… never good enough to say anything… should have shut the fuck up and moved on… should have always been what I was meant to be… a useless fuck that no one ever gave a fuck about… a cog in the machine of life… keep grinding… only to realize… you’ve always been right… no one has ever had the balls to say you aren’t special… except my fate… drowning on dreams… that I could never realize… dragging my ass through the flames… if you think it matters… tell me what you think… I can accept the hate… but this fucking pain?… this fucking need to please everyone around me?… I am everything that I have ever needed… I am everything that I’ve always hated… Breathe in the fucking words… and accept that this is it… that this has always been me… 

Just so you know… This was all worth living… this has all been worth it… 

 

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The bass line alone… no one could ever be as good as this… no pressure… do what you want… but know it was all worth it… 

Why I Turned Out The Way I Did

Compound Existence

Everything and everyone wants something
I’m afraid I have nothing left
My contempt is more or less only guilt
There is too much in this world
That requires my intention, attention
Wish for a moment, wish for a second
Everything and everyone was smaller than this
If only I could forget, forgive
If only all the loneliness
Would disappear, into the ether
Into the wind
I fear for the safety, the safety of others
The tranquility of it all
Took over so long ago
Lost in the lonely, lost in the despair
Lost in all of this we hold so dear
This never ending regret of growing old
I’m growing old from all of this
Broken, endless feelings
Forgive to forget, sucking up all the regret
Pray for something more
Though I’ve always known better
Suffering through this compound existence

 

Think About Killing, But In The End You Won’t So You Feel Better

A swarm of locus, a swarm of focus
Insect or man they are all trying to get to us
Biblical times full of biblical lies
Welcome to modern life, something called modern times
Isolation, antisocial, self-inflicted separation
High anxiety, lost my mind
Not sure why it all has to rhyme
Gave up and now it’s your turn
Passing on these emotions to the next generation
Feel it all slip away, what have we learned
Giving a fuck means so much more when it is a lie
Welcome to modern life, some bullshit called modern times
World was so much simpler before online
These are my thoughts, these are my notions
No one gives a fuck about your emotions
More cat videos to consume our lives
No one ever wanted to be who they are
Only what they think they could be
Fuck it, you can have it
Welcome to modern life, some fucked up shit called modern times
Words of a lost generation
Ideals pin together against a make shift wall

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I’ve been really into Punk Rock lately… I hate the title… because every time I hear Punk Rock… I see some hipster fuck screaming it at the top of their lungs… I hate genre titles in general though… titles are fucking stupid… okay they kind of help… but why does something have to be punk?… metal?… rap?… why can’t it all just be music?… I feel the same about writing… I guess I just don’t like to be pigeon holed into one sort of thing… drives me fucking crazy… but I can’t think of a better solution… My life story maybe?… 

So I’ve been listening to a lot of MisfitsAlkaline Trio… dark punk?… fuck, I hate sub genres… short and sweet… that’s what I like about punk… about those bands… get in and get the fuck out… say what needs to be said… move the fuck on… I guess I’m in a “Get some shit off my chest” mood as of late… Normally I listen to a lot of Tool… an unhealthy amount… or so I am told… which is odd… I grew up on a healthy dose of fast… dark… quick songs… I remember when I would not listen to a song… purely based on the length of the song… teenage me was kind of an asshole… : )

Missed a lot of really great music because of that… found it in the end… but I always wonder what did I miss because of the length of a track?… best long song ever?… Dogs… by Pink Floyd… Though to be fair the whole Animals album should be considered one track… fucking genius… My friends in high school tried to get me into Floyd… saw those track lengths and pretend to hear them not speak… who has time to listen to a 17 minute track?… we all do… so take the time… before it is too late… might change your life… give it a chance… we like what we like… just don’t be an asshole about it like I was…

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We Made It Down Here Today… Broken Thoughts All The Same

Heavy handed explanation of nothing at all
A feeling in your heart, a hand around your throat
Broken bodies speaking in tongues
An ancient language only you and I know
Words made of sounds and movements
Killing myself to watch you die
Equality means more than we can understand
Persecution of your heart, of your broken soul
Each thought a loaded weapon against a weak defense
Guilty, charged, walking the winding path
To the hangman’s noose
Together we walk hand in hand
We’ve always known we’d swing together
All that’s left is to not kill each other

 

So I’ve been meaning to ask
I’ve been dying to know
What is it we reap when we sow?

 

I’m scratching and I’m bleeding
I’m wondering if this is what I have always been needing
Hidden deep within my skin
A sin so deep no one can see
Used to love all this pain you put me in
An odd feeling buried in my lungs
I’m scratching and I’m bleeding
I’m digging deeper as if this is what I have always needed
Hidden somewhere within me
A secret so deep no one can see
Used to love all these stupid little things
An odd feeling seeped into my brain
I’m scratching and I’m bleeding
I’m wondering if this has always been me

 

Who the fuck are you to say
You ever thought you’d understand me

 

Stringing together thoughts only to hope you fear them
A frightening time to be me with a shotgun
Too subtle or too direct I’m not sure
The director said to give it some more feeling so here it is
A catalyst of shame and regret
A drug meant to consume more than just your soul
Make you forget all the things you don’t already know
Rambling on about the vanity in your eyes
Too subtle or too direct I’m not sure
Always been a dick in disguise
An asshole buried deep down inside
I’m smiling but I’m so ready to watch you die

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Could someone turn on the light?… got real dark… for no reason why… an endless parade of broken thoughts… had to cut it off somewhere… where to explain… if I should even bother… too subtle or too direct I’m not sure… so unsure about everything… so here it goes… 

Heavy handed explanation of nothing at all (Nervousness about a certain thought… wonder what it could be?… lets find out)
A feeling in your heart, a hand around your throat (Subconscious feeling found in others or one’s self… A want… a need?… everyone is different)
Broken bodies speaking in tongues (Sex)
An ancient language only you and I know (Still sex)
Words made of sounds and movements (Even more sex)
Killing myself to watch you die (Realizing all this relationship has purely physical…)
Equality means more than we can understand (This line just sounds good… haha… the realization that not just the man feels this way… using each other… yet still hurts...)
Persecution of your heart, of your broken soul (Anger or hurt over the last said thought… another version in a sense of how could you do this to me?…)
Each thought a loaded weapon against a weak defense (More fighting)
Guilty, charged, walking the winding path (Coming to a general understanding)
To the hangman’s noose (The Pain is all that we know… wanting it together… death)
Together we walk hand in hand (More sex… haha… no it is about moving on)
We’ve always known we’d swing together (A singular idea about relationships… love at first sight… play on words… a play on the idea… a proving how broken they each really are for each other)
All that’s left is to not kill each other  (let’s get back to that sex again)

This may actually seems like a real life story… or based completely on truth… in truth it isn’t… a few things are… but not enough to say that this based on anyone I know… sometimes I just get lazy… or don’t have enough time to write a story… pretty lame explanation I am sure… though I was in a relationship a long ass time ago… that was similar… based purely on what else were we going to do at the time?… toxic is the only way to describe that relationship… sometimes love seem so real… then you look back and think what the fuck was I doing?… 

To me love seems more of the opposite… you should look back and can’t believe you ever got so lucky… can’t believe you are still with that person… there are and will always be up and down in relationships… friends… family… lovers… but if you can look back and smile?… always a good thing… always something worth fighting for… but what the hell do I know… just another asshole among a crowded toilet… speak your peace… think what you need… live life like it matters… take care of yourself… 

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Knocked the Wind Out of Everything

Stress seems to affect us at different volumes and different values. Not everyone can handle what it takes anymore. The time they change things even if the game is the same. Used to be about survival now it’s about living. About doing nothing. The goals were once simple. Now the goal is to convoluted, to simple to comprehend. It wasn’t that long ago that there wasn’t enough people. Now there are too many. Positive or negative doesn’t matter laziness still poisons the well. Today nothing ever gets done because someone else will take care of it. Someone else will do it don’t worry. Who the fuck is this someone else?

Oh, I forgot it was me. Forty hours a week to make up for all the mistakes, all the things no one wants to do. This place drags me down. Consumes me and leaves me broken. All I hear is complaints about the shit that I don’t do because I’m too busy doing everything else. Poorly managed is an understatement. I think they train them to be stupid. Ignorant to the task at hand. Most of them have never been me and I don’t mean in a figurative sense. I mean they have never done what I have to do, what I have done. Pull these worthless fucks right out of college. Cool you can read. I can read too. I can read the units, the hours, the labor, and all the bull shit. I can feel what they are saying and what they are saying is that we are fucked. 

I often wonder if I was dropped on my head too many times or not enough. Decisions are made with the littlest of thought. The thought process. “I’m going to need you to wipe your feet before you enter the mud puddle. Hate for the dirt to get dirty.” I need this that and the other. All I need is for you to get the fuck out of the way. Smile and lose your fucking mind. Lead, follow, or get the fuck out of the way isn’t just catchy it is true. Instead fuck ups happen constantly and the only way is to keep letting them happen. They have the staff so stressed out and paranoid that they run around chasing a chicken with its head cut off. Stop chasing the chicken. Come back when the damn thing is dead. I get that dinner needs to be made. Trust me I fucking get it, but the plates are dirty, the preps not done, and the pot is still heating up. We’ve got time. 

God forbid you communicate that said idea is a bad one. Excommunicated from the conversion from there on. Condemned until it of course fucks up then you are to blame for its failure. I try to stay out of it. To stay away from it, but they drag you in. They need someone to blame, to take the fall but I can’t let go. I hang on their every word. Loyalty buried deep within my very existence. Stupidity running right beside it. Trust no one and no one can let you down. If only I could live by the words that I preach. If I could live by the way it was supposed to be.

What happened to do the job? What happened to hard work? Gave a way to reward the weak and bury the strong. I see that it pays to do nothing at all, but I can’t stand by and watch it fall. To watch everything I have worked for go to shit. Watching it all fail makes me feel as though I failed. Whether I get paid or not. The world should not work this way, but somehow it does. Somehow the world keeps turning and all I can think is fuck it all. 

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I’ve lost touch with reality, with the truth… The harsh reality that none of this actually matters… Forgot the meaning of life is nothing more than seeing the next day… One day I will lose as we all will, but taking on all this stress is only moving me closer to that day… Not closer to where I want to be… Finding that balance can take a life time… Don’t let it… The sooner the better… In the mean time hug a family member… your children… and take a moment for yourself…

If the world isn’t going to work the way that it should… Why should we?… If we can’t beat them… do what they do… and do it better… laughing all the way to my grave… fuck’em…