Nothing Ever Changes…. Growing Old At The Thought…

Defying death the thing I’ve become
Say a prayer for all that you know
Silence falls on your prayer
Beyond my control
Beyond my understanding
Only human, you know what I know
Murder, fucking death
Respond  to the sins I understand
Look to the past, words
Existence I’ve failed to understand

Education was always the plan
Lost on the insecure, lost on the damned
How fucking big is your ass?

Education was always meant to sustain
A plan no one understands
Ignorance sown within our souls
Fuck your thoughts, bull shit plans
Mob rule, mob mentality
I’m owed mine, I’m owed yours
Selfish fuck that I’ve always claimed to be
The reality only a thing
Laughing at your pain
Because the realization is all too late
Sucking on the tail pipe
Slashing away, jerking off to the thought
That all of this makes no sense

Bury me with it
Bury me with all that I know
Lies, words, Santa Clause was real
Until it wasn’t 
Your parents were assholes
Honest, but still
Fucked since the word go
Hug them, love them, tried their best
Wrong, only human
I’m them, I never wanted to
Suffocating through what I know

Could blame them but know that I am them
Love them more than before
What you should know
We are all trying to hold on
Embrace them, don’t shun them
Why are we here?
Don’t ask them, suffering together
Sad fucking realization
Thank them, not me, for fucking trying

Santa Clause is real, god, everything they thought
Lost in all of this, a life I’m not willing to admit
Smashing my skull against a wall
Killing myself for everything they thought
An epic about nothing at all

Embrace everything you thought
Not special at all
The vision not what we thought
Same as we were anyway
All I was trying to say
Love them all the same

 

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Our parents are all they could be… our parents our us… fight it… believe I am wrong… but know… your parents fuck… your parents have thoughts… your parents are us after all… eww I know… gross… shake off the thought… but know you aren’t a freak… wonder if they feel like you?…  they do… no other reason… than they are human… This whole thing is a shit show… welcome to the stage… smile… let’s move the fuck on… need advice?… ask those around you… it will be awkward… believe me when I say that’s what it means to be an adult… believe me when I say they feel the same…

Shhh… you wanted the secret… well the secret was fucking lame… : )… not trying to be a dick… just saying… not trying to make you throw up… but let’s be honest… your parents have always felt the same… mind-blowing… fucking crazy… hug them all the same… because they did this… dealt with this all… long before you could ever think… fucking heroes… martyrs to the cause of it all… good or bad… they tried their fucking best… what else could you ever ask of them after all?… that’s love… Think about it… come back to me… when you understand… been there for years… just sinking in… Not original… only a copy… excuse me as I throw up at the thought… only human after all… haha… never been better than you… Never been better than the heroes I’ve loved… only human… hard at the thought… embrace my part… embrace who I am after all… why the fuck do you listen to me at all?… 

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Thoughts… comments…. leave them because all of this is fucking insane… just want to get better… don’t care about words like fame… money… I just want to sustain… so if that means negativity… if that means pain…  only want to get better… only want a reason to live… don’t care how lame… this is all I got out side of family… going to try whether or not you feel the same… all I ever wanted was to find people who feel the same… people to make me better… been a selfish ass… before I knew your name… hate me… I love you all the same… I love you for fucking being you… thank you… let the lead out… hurt no one but Know I Can Take It… maybe My Only Purpose… : )  

 

Broken Thoughts… More Than I Need…

Constant like a fucking child
Driven under
Driven to live
A mindless existence
Shut the fuck up
Then maybe, you’d be right
Tape my mouth shut
Torture me, make me feel something
Nothing different then the way
It is supposed to be
Cut my limbs, nail them to a tree
Same as it is supposed to be
I wish you’d do onto me
As I wished for you

 

Looking to destroy more than myself
Line up, take you out one by one
I know it is what you always wanted
I know you have always wanted to win
Judge ourselves not by what we’ve done
But what we wish to have been

 

Kill myself slowly
Life or what I’ve been told
I hold each word against me
A lie I’ve been told
Loved you more than I’ve loved myself
Locked in a world, that I can not win
I’d fuck you sooner than you can fuck me
A worthless fuck I see myself in
The reflection that I see
Desiring action, desire to see myself
Always been the asshole
A sin I hide myself in
Taking what I want
Believing what I want to believe
A whore I see myself in
Cult of personality, I could never win
Unless you let me
Being drunk is a sin
An escape I find myself in
Fuck you, if you ever thought you could win
A running thought inside my head
My thoughts run off
Digging a ditch I call my grave
A home I hold within
I’m so done, a struggle within,  you win

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Remorse is for the dead… all that needs to be said… still alive?… then you already know what needs to be done.. what there is left to say… keep going on with me… we will figure all of this out at a later time… 

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At Least That’s A Start…

The Drugs Aren’t Helping, Take Two A Day

Doing nothing drives the sanest insane
Bring me some new pain
I know I can take it
At all costs, it has to be this way
In the darkest holes I have found
I’ll be fine, wanted you to know
Dragging me through hell
This place I call home
Miss it more than I could know
Simple minded, stupid, what you will
I’ll survive, I’ll find a way to make it
Who I am, Who I’ve always been
Smiling and digging a grave
In your name I pray
You’ll never feel the way I do
I will always fail at this thing
Called life
I will always be the things
I never wanted to be

 

I’m Not You Because You Are Me

Had everything anyone could ever want
Pissed it all away, now look at me
Shitting on the street
Stare, I don’t care, still breathing
Understand, never alive
Don’t you see?
Don’t you see?
Look at me
You are me more than you want to believe
One step away
Feel that?, It’s called a heart beat
It’s called a heart beat
Pissing in the streets, screaming until my throat bleeds
You are me
Don’t you see?
Don’t you see?
Chasing the demons that haunt me
Running from the problem at top speed
Problem has always been
Me
Human and I know you can relate
My home is the streets
My home is this fucking concrete
You are me
Don’t you see?
Don’t you see?
You just haven’t run your course
Of course, you’d deny the truth
I’ll see you, keep the space warm, until we meet 
That special place called home
Six feet under earth
I’m not you because you are me

 

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I know the last post was pretty sad and all that shit… but lets move on until I have better news… I’m Not You Because You Are Me… came out of no where…. and honestly… I don’t like to brag… but God damn… That shit hit hard and I could not stop… a written orgasm… I don’t know if you liked it as much as me… but… that shit sent me over the edge… and then dropped me in a six-foot ditch… what I live for?… hard to say… but it made me feel a certain way…

Because that is how it is my friends… we are all one step from all of this shit going to… well shit… as bad as you think you have it… as bad as we want to believe… it could be worse… some of us have it pretty fucking bad… don’t get me wrong… if you got time to think… well you got it better than most… gratefulness… be grateful for what you got… family… friends… a good thought that pops up… ride it out…  but always strive for more… a balance that can be hard to understand… a balance that doesn’t make sense until long after… It’s about the air… it’s about the breathe… sounds stupid… but what else are you going to do?… 

Don’t like where you are?… keep fucking swinging… keep trying… as much as I love you  all… as much as I want each of you to do what it is that you want… the truth is that no one gives a shit… oh well… heard it all before… are you going to give up or are you going make them believe?… don’t need to hurt… don’t need to destroy… need to find a balance… a mission that isn’t easy to see… all in this together… and we are all on our knees… no one ever said this was going to be easy… climb that mountain… fall down the hill… who really cares… get back up… that’s what people really care about… we will fail… but no one is taking me out… get what I mean?…

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I know you are busy… I know we all got a lot of things going on… I don’t need you to buy anything… click the links… shit on me… tell me I suck… honestly… I appreciate… you even reading one word… you are the greatest thing that could happen to me… don’t be afraid… I embrace you all the same… we are all in this together… hugs… and all will be well… 

“I See The Game… And It Sees Me”…

Desperately Trying To Hold On, For You

Thought about the thoughts
That make us human after all
Thought about the thoughts
That don’t matter at all
Thought maybe then I thought
About it all
All these thoughts I thought
As I waited for the fall

We tell ourselves it matters
We push for results
But in the end as we wait for it all
Nothing made sense
Nothing was all it was
What we think holds value
Holds nothing at all

So I thought about the thoughts
That makes us human after all
I thought about the thoughts
That don’t matter after all
Draw my conclusions
What I found was
Fuck it all

 

Letting Me Go Is Easier Than You Think

How much am I willing to take
What is sober if not a feeling
What is gone if not how I’ve felt all along
I say one thing, believe another in my head
Sure I’m a liar, believe me when I say I’m dead
Never cared and now they say I should
Exploring the darkness that hides inside us all
Some people want to run
But I can’t help to call it home
Could say it doesn’t matter, been wrong all along
How long am I willing to wait
A fear carried over time
Dead weight inside my chest
I’ve been forced to call my heart
Who knows anything if no one knows a thing
You tell me to not do it
But what do you know about me
How it feels, what it thinks
Studying the madness has only driven me more insane
Life is a cycle
This is only the pain

 

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The next generation is so fucked… everything is right now… I need it now… is dinner ready?… no… it takes fucking time… spoiled and they don’t even know why… time is moving so fast… have you figured out yet what you want to be?… left behind… we do this to ourselves and ask why… human reasoning… kiss it all good bye… we need time to step back… say okay… this is the direction we need to go… not enough time… maybe we have always been this way… maybe it is something new… but in the end… what the fuck is going on?… 

 

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Let’s Fake An Answer For the Curious..

These Days

The days bleed together
How it is or how it always was
Questions, answers, sin, justification
The days bleed together
How it is or how I’ve always wanted it to be
Liar, truth, asshole, cunt
The days seem meaningless
When you are around
Bleeding, blending, living, dying
The days are all there seems to be
The days with only you and me
Then there are the days in between
Haunting nightmares, self destruction
I’m not so depressed when you are around
I’m not myself when we are apart
The words seem to mean more than how I feel
How it is or how it always was
Questions, answers, sin, justification

 

Are you on the way to a funeral?
I am the funeral

 

You’re A Star

Looking around I don’t see anything that I need
The need is a reason for the greed
A spoken language of hate and fear
So much better than you
A useless idea
Feeling around for the art
Of how to live, how to die
Such a useless thought left broken in time
Daring to be more than I’ve ever been
Too much work to not be me
Singing death lullaby’s to pass the time
Wish it weren’t true but all I know are lies
Gave you everything that I owned
But you had to take more
They say you needed my soul
Told them I don’t care no more
A raven of broken thoughts I can’t put down
How it could feel to be like you
Wearing a skin of sin
Heart pumping a mixture of deceit and pain
Drowning in this idea that I’m like you
Suffocating under the weight

 

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Success and failure… the mark that we live our lives by… shit on a stick it doesn’t matter… this life… this world isn’t measured in accomplishment… what we do doesn’t matter to the masses… it might only mean something to one person… one among nearly eight billion and counting… we have to be here for one and another… because what the fuck else are we going to do?… 

Sounds fucking crazy… in this together?… who the fuck is there when I’m sad?… no one… wrong… I am… others are.., sometimes you have to look more than three feet around us… sometimes we aren’t in arms lengths… but we are here… What I mean is… don’t give up… embrace your gift… embrace your failures… living life is all we got… so you are a fish that can’t climb a tree… oh well… look for the ocean and set yourself free… 

Believe me when I say you will fail… what that means is up to you… it was never up to me or anyone for that matter… embrace the fail… embrace the pain… grow to be better than anyone could ever believe…. will it hurt… yes… will it suck… you best believe… in the darkest hole… the darkest time… the darkest moment… we grow our fucking wings…. So keep swinging…. keep trying… and if I’m wrong… if it doesn’t work out… know that at least you tried… trying is what it is all about… trying is all that we need… prove those fucks unable to even try that you are right…. flap those wings and lets ride… 

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Please leave a comment if you can… or a review of any kind… I don’t care about the money… tell me I suck… I don’t care… I want to be better… seems pointless but every little bit helps… we are struggling… I just want to be better at the one thing I care about… in that.. I need your help… in this together…. Thank you… for all that you do… 

Broken Thoughts… Breaking Down The Forever Circus…

The sadness sinks in
A world with no reason
Broken hearted, left wondering
How much time is left 
To destroy

 

Drinking a death wish left to employ
I’d take you all if it means happiness
Selfish, I’ve always known why
So much easier to take away
Then live this shit day to day
Still hanging on anyway
Raise my glass we’re in this together now
Happiness has always been nothing more than
A thought

 

Emotions come and go away
Words are easy to say
Live?, another question to be asked
Who was I in all this madness
Miss you more than I forgot
They say so many things
They lie to tell the truth
What’s the reason, no reason why
Call it life, call it what you will
Doesn’t matter, how it is to die
Words spell out my life
Words say so much and then we die
Choking on so many things
The mind keeps going
An empty feeling of nothingness
Wasted gift, no one has ever listened
Swing and thinking
None of this even matters

 

People fucking die
And we wonder why
Depression is great
Then you wonder why
The good die for no reason

 

I’m fucked up and it’s all right
Human as the night sky
Who I am with no reason why
Forgiveness, holds hands with sin
Fight hell, fight the light
The truth is more than I can describe
Being human was never the lie

 

“Life doesn’t make sense. Madness? Well… you tell me.”
Cooper Jones, No One Ever Said This Was Free

 

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A few repeats in here… not sure what I am talking about?… well then you don’t follow me on twitter… haha… that’s my one shitty plug for your attention… lets talk about real shit now that business is out of the way…

This week… has been a trail of judgement… that doesn’t make sense… a cross roads of the soul… no… a rite of passage… maybe… the last week has been a fucking eye opener… full of ups and downs… a blank mind… and wonder why I don’t just die… don’t read too much into that last line… death pops up in this empty vessel I call a mind all the time… nature of who I am at this point… normal?… probably not… but it is for me… that’s not what I’m trying to share… no… it is something way worse…

Something is miss firing in my brain… shocked?… maybe a little… I don’t know if it the almost decade of no sleep… who I was always meant to be… or a medical reason… so I will be going to the doctor… in the next few days… I know what I need to say… but I’m afraid… I know what I want to say… but I don’t want it to be true… so it is just easier to pretend everything is fine… honesty is not what I’m good at… telling people how I really feel… is not something I am good at… drag myself through hell to see you smile… is how I’ve always been… getting off topic… 

I suffer from anxiety… self diagnosed… if the smallest amount of change happens around me… a panic attack is sure to follow… been happening for as long as I can remember… I can live with that… because I have… I know what I need to do to… having nights believing I would die in my sleep… so I didn’t sleep… will do that to you… losing your shit because one too many people happen to be at the mall… so I leave… will do that to you… all of these things easy to avoid… easy to talk yourself down from… but the other day… I sat in this special training for my job… as I sat doing nothing… I can’t describe how I felt… I tried to explain it to my wife… I thought I was going to die… right there… no reason… Tried to talk myself down for hours… but the thought never left my mind… I sat there shaking… I sat there wondering if this was it… anyone with anxiety will tell you that’s all it takes… a thought… to set off a shit storm of what’s to come…

The feeling washes over you… the idea consumes everything you know… it isn’t normal… and I don’t know what to do… I know that I won’t die… heart racing a mile a minute… nothing is wrong with me… heart beating the fuck out of my chest… literally nothing is happening… and I know that if I close my eyes… that is it… the end… no more living… no more family… no more friends… and I’m not ready… I don’t think I ever will be… but right now… in this moment… I know that I’m not ready… I need help… denial isn’t working anymore… What that means for who I am… or what I think I am… I don’t know… and that scares me too… 

The truth of all of this… is that I’m scared… all the time… scared I won’t see my wife again… scared I won’t see my daughter grow up… scared I won’t make it to the end of the day… hell I’m scared I’m wasting my time of every minute of every day… some fear is good… but this has become something else…  so… that has been what has happening to me… things have been dark as of late… passing moments… or how it has always been… no idea… things might change… it takes time… or they might stay the same… but I want you to know that I give you everything I can… and I thank you for accepting me for who I am… for giving me everything you got too… we’re in this together… and I’m glad to just stand beside you each and every day… Life is about making it to tomorrow… nothing else… nothing less… nothing more… dark thoughts pop up… slip themselves in… but that is how I truly feel… that’s how I make it day to day… 

 

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It’s Been A Long Time Since I’ve Known…

Reflection Of What I See… Ode To The Soul

Dancing around the issue
Dodging how I truly feel
Because I have no answer
Nothing else to do
Second guessing my very existence
Why, why am I here
Why, why even bother going on
Lost soul, trapped mind
How could I ever be the only one to think like this

First world fucking guilt is killing me
If I ever had to work, kill myself over try
Born into this, fucked since the first fit
No one planned this out
A fucking tortured soul
If there is a god? Fuck off already

If Jesus ever cared
Killed me off long ago
Trapped with this feeling inside my head
Shipped off, told I’m normal
Hopefully I don’t kill off everyone
Just myself… right to choose
A freedom of choice

Crying for help is a weak way to go
What kind of shit show are we running here
Only care when it is too late
Everyone has to feel like me
Fuck your empathy because you’ve had none
Since the beginning

Live or die
Never mattered anyway
The way it should be
What society has taught me

 

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In the words of Mintly… “It’s dark. Really dark.”…. that it is… that is how it feels… no one likes to have their shit smeared in their faces… well maybe some do… nothing wrong with that if that is what you are into… but even you have to know that most people aren’t into that… we pretend like we care… until it happens to us… then we really give a shit…

It doesn’t have to be about gun violence… mental health… it can be as simple as the choices we make… not everyone feels like you… positive and negative… there is a point of respecting others that we have to get along… there is a point where we have to respect other people’s choices… I have two topics I want to talk about… not sure where or which way I should go… either one is too long and too important to talk about both… torn?… a little bit… I never want to tell you how to think… or that you have to think like me to get along… what kind of mindless society would that be?… isn’t that the point of all of this… hear what others have to say and decided for yourself?…

Like I said you don’t have to agree… you can be mad at me… I’ve never been right… never been wrong… I am how I am… you are how you are… respect is more than just a word… same as religion… same as choice… believe me when I say words mattered… and believe me when I say they don’t… thoughts come and go… ideas come up that sound great on paper… then you put them in place… well they are shit… time travel comes to mind… another time I will explain that shit show of a decision… not the time or place right now…  

There is some shit going down here in the states… some shit that is more than likely to come up…  care or not care… won’t change a thing… the issue is more important than the crime… the reason… the fucking why… currently we already have fucked up abortion laws… a vague definition of woman’s rights… personally… if it comes down to me… I am against it… a life is a life… but in reality… in the real fucking world… it isn’t happening to me… it will never truly 100% happen to me… and that’s when I have to step back… That’s when I have to take this shit off paper and understand what is really at stake…  Just because something is legal… doesn’t mean you have to get it… 

I don’t preach shit to anyone… but I do say one thing constantly… I’m all for anything that doesn’t hurt someone else… I respect that abortion goes very much against that belief… but it really doesn’t… laws are meant to protect us… us that are here… Life is life… but no one should tell you how to live yours… in truth… before God… before mankind… a woman’s right to choose is her right… because if it was up to me… I’d want the choice… this topic is rooted in so many things… You can throw religion in my face… it says right here that… yeah it says a lot of things we ignore… and that is just it… God… Devil… who the fuck ever… judges us based on our choices… 

To me that is religion… that is life… our choices… God or no god…  I’d hope that you’d make the right one for you… but I’m not you… and no one else is… it is no ones business what you choose… that’s your right… that is the way it should be… as far as God… and what she thinks… well… that’s up to her too… right… wrong… the whole shitty situation happens… and it comes down to a choice… everyone deserves the right to make that choice… even if it isn’t the one they would choose…