Tearing through my flesh Can’t tell what is left Dead or alive Fucking kill it Doesn’t matter anymore Screaming in the dark Take me with you Drown within a dream, a nightmare Suffocating The scars were never meant to be seen Cracking Hating all of this A life I thought I had to live Destroying everything Smashed against my skin I have and always will Drown myself from within Thought you knew me Didn’t know shit A decision I have to fucking live with Smile, because this was always for you Turning over in my grave Even in death I couldn’t sleep Fuck me, all the same Keep on living just to be me Closing my eyes I knew there would never be peace Smiling even as a dead man in a grave Home is where my heart has always been A tomb, a grave, everything I need it to be Miss the way things used to be Isolation was only a thought that I bothered Give you even more If you could show me what it is I truly need A hug from the one I adore Wasted too much time On selfish needs Punish me some more Give me all that I deserve
This free write brought to you by… The Stories In Between… if you like it… you can thank him… if you hate it… well you can blame me… either way check out his blog… website… his writing…
Digging at the stitches Running my fingers across the scars My heart nothing more than a reminder A map made of blood and pain Who am I to know what to say Who was I before all of this The blood runs down my fingers On to the floor, on to more A bloody waterfall made of everything I have ever felt Who am I Who am I to question what any of this means Took what you wanted Left the discard for me to pick through A mess of emotions, tangled up thoughts The fuck you care You’ve always gotten what you need Who am I to question you My dear
Speaking crazy is not a train of thought The roaches crawl over the bodies Stacked up in the corner Laying eggs and feasting on what remains Breeding ideas that lead to a darker place in me The smell becomes home Lay your head down and inhale Takes time but all things work out in the end Cold grin chiseled into my skull Should have never taken what was never yours
Shh… you made your bed of razors Go ahead and lie down Press the cold steel against the skin What’s been done has been done Line after line Digging my own grave Said you understood Lied as you buried me in Caved in, suffocating underneath it all Lost in the darkness Your light no longer reaches me Buried under so much shit Struggling with every breath How is this any different than before A question to haunt me as I rest The final place I’ve always wanted to be Searching for a lifetime As it stood right before me, by my side Who am I if no one at all Ringing, repeating, beating, trying To be what it is you instituted in me A society I’ve always hated The world I never wanted to be born in One in the same, one among the sheep A wolf in bloody clothes
Got rejected again… starting to like it… liking the idea… that every one of my submissions is a thorn in somebodies side… does that make me an asshole?… probably… but at least I tried…
I will just have to keep on digging that grave… not like I have anything better to do anyway… listening to depressing songs to make myself feel better… yeah I’m that kind of person… no idea why… just have been… secret is… they never make me feel better… trick myself in believing that they do…
Yeah I had plans this week… well I did them… but not a damn thing for the website… next week for sure… in the mean time here are some songs that I am listening to… a half ass attempt to make it up to you… as soon as I pull my head out of my ass… I promise I have big ideas… problem is though… it is really wedged up there… bare with me…
Destroying me Who am I Who are you Kill the life left inside Meaning has meaning Pull the soul to the surface Fucking dead Kill you Killing me Worth it A lifeless passion Same thing Different meaning Choke the useless Suffocate who I am Feel better I hope You get what you’ve always wanted Nothing
So much to say Stand silent in judgment Nothing to say Who am I in defense If nothing at all A silent dream Left in the sun Left to dry up and die How could I ever mean what I say Silent as I die Screaming inside
Useless you are everything you will ever be Destroying yourself to understand who you are Nothing in everything Locked away mystery, enigmatic puzzle Nothing all along A lie I tell myself because I believe
The words mean so much less Repeated over and over Repeat a mantra of nothing Hypocrite Christ Objection to the delusion Faggot Fuck Useless Words with no meaning Hate myself A demon Left behind Let me die Destroy everything, that I mean Meaning less Hope for better things Sacrifice for something more Killing myself to believe Justify my choices against justification A right to speak but not a right to say
Dying to know Who I am What I could be Broken Useless I am who I’ve always meant to be All the voices Don’t mean anything they say Do it already Turn the fuck away Familiar Lost Loneliness Humanity Moments in time Thoughts to think about A life meant for more Because someone told me so Standing still, lifeless, dead
Looking for reason No more reason Become Everything you believe Tired reason to keep on trying Destroyed Who am I if I am no one What am I with Who am I if I am only you Worthless Open to all things Closed minded with everything to say Pain Suffer More Chest split open Skin resting at my knees Begging for an answer Give me more Enough to know What I’ve already known Let me become the one The one that knows more The chosen one on the cross of society To be hated is to be loved To be the villain is to be the hero Justifying all your actions, all your work Praying to a higher power Prying back the truth Inserting myself into the history A tall tale to tell Have faith Have faith in me Trust me for who I’ve always been Nothing
Before we get into how weird or awful… what ever the fuck this was… let’s a dress the fact that the block editor sucks… Does anyone like it?… Is it really better than what we had before?… yes this post is late… but none of you know my new schedule… so that didn’t need to be said… but oddly enough I feel I should be honest with you…
I’ve been sitting on this long ass piece since June… I rewrote some of it since that night… fixed parts in the last year… I’m posting it because I just want to get it out of my head and out of my sight before I make it worse than it already is… So why post such a thing Layne??… because it seemed relevant to me today… What the hell is it even about??… it is about everything and nothing… what I hope comes across… is that it is about everything that fires in my brain… at any given time… as I write… as I speak… as I think… it is constant… well for the most part… sometimes I really think of nothing at all…
Sometimes… for a split second of my day… I don’t hear everyone telling me I’m not good enough… I don’t imagine everyone hating me… I don’t see everyone looking down on me as if I am nothing… and by everyone I mean me… depression is shit… a conscience… is everything and nothing… much like this poem… or collection of words… whatever the fuck you want to call it… it isn’t perfect… but it is constant… I’m amazed I get anything in life done… If you know what I mean… you know what I mean… if not we envy you…
Good luck… I’m sure I’ll be late again next week… but good news… last I checked I’m the one running this shit into the ground… smiles… : ) : ) : )
Threadless… Amazon… Twitter…
Fuck block format… and whatever the fuck else they did… God… am I really getting this old?…
If they don’t touch you that’s okay… these are just two songs that touch my soul… I recommend finding your own… because music is life… and we all have a beat that keeps us going in this world… find yours… dance… scream… do what you need… : )
The hurt feels like it will never end Chain smoking the pain from my head Got it wrong, but then isn’t it always in the end Chained myself to a dead weight Now I’m sinking Thinking what is that I really need Air?
The hurt feels like it has been going on for a while Staring down all the suicidal thoughts from my head Got it wrong, but then its been that way for a while Starving myself to a dead weight Thinking what is it that I really need Food?
The hurt feels like it has gone on too long Walling off all traces from my head Got it wrong, but then isn’t that long enough Unchained myself to a dead weight Now I’m confusing Thinking what is it that I really need You?
Of course I would return to the warm weather in Texas after a month away in the cold… and get sick… powering through it though… So if this week is all scattered and makes no sense… it’s the sickness… (rolls eyes)…
Fun highlights of my life right now…
I gave up soda… in a second step to cut out caffeine from my daily life… I feel like punching someone in the throat… so it’s going well… haha… the biggest differences I’ve noticed so far… besides my irritability to anyone who speaks to me… not a whole lot… I’m at that point in my withdraw… where quitting makes no sense… I wasn’t dead before… I was happy… I was a fun person to be around… It made me feel better… I think it is called denial… I’d ask someone… but then I might punch them in the throat…
I started playing bass guitar again after a sixteen year absence… I’m as awful at it as you are imagining… it’s awesome… bass guitar was the first instrument I got as a kid… I wanted drums… every parents nightmare… my mom talked me into a bass guitar… I only agreed because Mark Hoppus from Blink-182 was cool… so why not… less than a year later I was begging for drums again… which I eventually got… I played drums through out high school… I just realized there was no point to this story… haha… yeah I need more sleep…
Driven under, fighting for a breath I’m drowning and I don’t know what for A prayer for the sinner Living in your sin Useless words laid down on paper Talking to myself, preaching to the stupid Driven under, holding myself down I know the problem and I have no solution A prayer for the sinner Living with this sin I’m killing myself and I don’t know what for
Has it really always been for you?
The world is shit Deal with it
Getting lost in the words Getting lost in the why Wandering, don’t have to go far To find reasons to die Worlds full of them Reasons to live, they are hard to find Hope you like a mystery What is it that I’m thinking about today A puzzle, getting caught up in all of this Getting lost in the words Getting lost in the why Same place I was before
Drinking harder than I’d like to admit Catching up to the darkness inside A piece of me I’d love to hide, on display
Standing next to a burning dumpster fire Called it my heart once now it’s only filled with shit Thoughts of you, me, how it should be Fucking lies I’ve told myself to get by And now I’ve told you everything Everything to make you stay The ship already set sail Waving to me from the shore You smile but I know what it means Saying good bye was always the hardest part for me
Well that was a depressing post… afraid the next few will be much of the same… I haven’t written much of anything… if at all in the last month… and everything before that… well it was pretty dark… dark as it gets I would say… Maybe I’ll drain my soul… maybe I’ll just hold onto all the hurt… chewing on the glass that has been my pain as of lately… taking it slow because for the first time in a long time… I don’t really know… what it is that I’m trying to say…
Slowly dying, the grave inside your heart You say you don’t want to hurt But it does Slowly dying, the voice inside my head It says it doesn’t want to hurt But it does Slowly dying, to the words inside our hearts Meant something once But it turns out they never did Slowly dying and it is all that I have left Slowly dying and it is all that we have left Slowly dying and I don’t know Slowly dying and we can’t stop Slowly dying to feel something that isn’t there
The voice inside my head Would leave me for dead The voice inside my head Screaming the words Shaking the cages of my home The voice inside my head Would leave me for dead The voice inside my head Never cared about me Never cared about anything The voice inside my head Has been all I’ve known
Slowly I’m getting there Slowly I have become more Slowly I will be something Slowly I’ve adopted the reasons Slowly I’m succumbing to The voice inside my head Killing me all over again
Dragging me further down
Taking all that it wants
Dead, Alive
Compassion for a pointless point Suicide is a four letter word Tucked away deep in the mind Give up, giving in Still trying to decide the difference Been dead, dying inside What’s one more day without an option?
Passion for a pointless reason Living is a five letter word Tucked away deep in the mind Gave up, giving in Still trying to decide the difference Alive, dying inside What’s one more day with an option?
Really thought the phone thing might work… okay… I didn’t really… but I thought at least I would write something… and I didn’t… haven’t written anything new in the last month… until today… Killing, Dragging, Taking… It isn’t all that great… I would barely call it good enough… but I had to get it out… Had to say something… force myself back into the habit of writing…
That’s the worst part of stepping away… away from anything really… is getting back into it… no matter how bad you want it… don’t mean shit… until you do it… and yes I feel like shit… feel as though I have been drained… and I fucking love it… so fuck it let’s get this shit started up all over again… : )… Lets burn this mother fucker down… keep swinging my friends… because no one’s Killing, Dragging, or Taking us… anytime soon…
