I’m at the end Only I didn’t know The beginning could feel The same way I’m at the end of everything Cut my rope, spared my throat Why is it you feel the need To lie to me The real you knows What it is that you are doing Driving the nails deeper Not worth the price in my head All I ever wanted was for you to love me Begging for change, it seems I asked too much Dug a hole, to a place called hell I mean home Buried myself in Knew it when I was at the end Only I didn’t know It would be you dancing on my grave At the end of everything Couldn’t kill me Cut my rope, spared my throat
The silence is crippling
Living through this time Feels like a walking suicide Take my hand and lead the way I’ve given in, tell me what to say Fill me with all of your lies A waking nightmare Another drink and I’ll be fine A fucking joke, words lost on me Take my hand and lead the way To the cliff that hangs Push me off, can’t resist Your lies have always been Everything to me Does it make you sad To know what you do Living through this with you Has always been more than I could Ever say
The loneliness is isolating
Silently leading me to my own death Your venom sinks into my skin A kiss on my lips Is all this has ever been One more day and I’ll be fine Longest day of my life Breaking me down inside Until I’m nothing but On display Don’t mistake my agony For love Twisting the knife in my vein You have a hand in everything Drinking to make the pain go away Living through this time Feels like a walking suicide Take my hand and lead the way Dug my own grave I do until this Ends
Kill myself to prove a point
An endless decision Without any conclusion Like suffering where you stand Here I am
This one was pretty long… You know you’ve had too many… when how to spell conclusion… escapes you… don’t forget to tip your waitresses… servers is the more politically correct term… sucking on a tail pipe… another day crossed of my list… a fucking fool… in sheep’s clothing… basically signing the fuck off… taking a bow… I don’t deserve…
It happened again today. One of the patients tried to escape. “Couldn’t take the devil for one more day,” she screamed over and over as she tried to squeeze herself between the broken shards of glass and the bars of her window. The hospital board will want to know what I’d call it. A suicide attempt? A condition of her psychosis? What can we file this under? “How doctor do you explain what is going on?” I can hear them asking me. Even as the staff rush to help her with her many wounds. Even as she is bleeding out all over the floor. How do I explain this?
How does one explain to someone who is not here to witness this behavior day in and day out? How does one justify this as a normal everyday occurrence? One doesn’t. That one who is me must lie. Make an excuse to how such a patient ended up with gashes all over her body. Because the truth in this matter is irrelevant. A broken brain, the devil made me, and feelings of sadness are not answers to the questions they will ask. The bleeding slows and the staff lift her up onto the gurney. She will have to spend sometime in the medical warded. Heavily sedated of course. Which is the only reason I have to even bother with any of these incestuous questions. Money is all the board cares about. Had she hit her head? Well who would have noticed the difference? I know I wouldn’t have.
Why is it always the low risk patients that cause the most problems? More restraints maybe? I have my own questions that need to be answered. When she heals up I will have to find time to ask them. Until then it is on to the next one and the next one after that. I’m locked in here with them. I know it seems as if I can leave the confines of this place but illusions often seem real. Every day is a repeat, a trap in which I can not break free. Each case, each patient, each dark secret of the mind only makes the nightmare that much worse.
A man of science is no more trapped than a man of faith.One in the same forced to go on two separate paths that no matter which is taken come to the same conclusion, death. They don’t teach you that in school. No life teaches you that over time. Holds your head down under the water and demands answers to questions you could not possibly understand. I envy the others here. The staff and the patients as they do not seem to notice the path they have chosen, or perhaps they have without ever really knowing? Too many questions. The mind is a locked box in which I am expected to pry open, expected to break, fix, and replace. Maybe in the end all I have broken is myself?
You’d walk through broken glass Just to get away from me You’re such a tortured soul Getting all that you deserve Starting to believe I’m addicted to pain All that you seem to provide for me Heart broken, empty This is all that you left me Sowing the words into my skin
You’d eat broken glass To get away from me You’re such a tortured soul Getting all that you deserve I do believe I’m addicted to this pain All that you provide for me Obsolete, hollow This is all that you left me Stitching these wounds closed
You’d shit glass Just to get away from me You’re such a tortured soul Getting what I deserve Embracing this addiction for what its worth Excepting everything you provide me Standing, walking away This is all that you left me Burning these words into my skin Over the scars, Over the stitches
Knowing there isn’t anything you wouldn’t do To get away from me Is enough to know you were never worth My love in the first place
You’d like to watch me fall apart Full of shit, could anyone tell the difference Thought I could once But what is it about you I really know A stranger in familiar skin The silence in my head speaks volumes Need another drink to remember All the shit you’ve told me Loving me must have been the hardest thing Can’t stop leaving me For what I’m worth You’d never say Wasting away I’d love you through hell Each and every day Am I the solution or the problem? Don’t be the only person who would stay Just to say they never loved me Wasting away Full of shit, could anyone see the difference This life isn’t worth living Either is the next Lost, stuck in this Don’t know what I want any more To live or die Wasting away Who in my life Hasn’t lied to me Trusting anyone seems like a burden Breathing has become the same Wasting away Don’t be another person in my life Just to say they loved me
Full disclosure… I stole these two lines… From a Stone Sour song called Orchids…
Don’t be the only person who would stay Just to say they never loved me
Except that I changed the last line part from “Left me” to loved me… Normally I don’t do this… but honestly I have been listening to this song so much in the last couple of months… and it is my favorite part of the song… Obviously though it has a flaw because he should have had the line be loved me or “Left me”… we can’t all be perfect…
I’m sure that I am going to take some heat for these two poems… and I wrote them awhile ago… when things were different… could have trashed them… forgot about them… but I didn’t… and I enjoy them enough to share the hurt I have felt over the last few months… because as much as it hurts to pick at the scabs… we are still going to pick at them… nothing is dead if we don’t let it rest… it is time to put these feelings to bed…
Wish I could think of something else Nothing comes to mind so I dwell What could have been, what it is The past and the present don’t seem To match the future Stuck in time, stuck thinking about the times You meant something more Something to me that I can’t ignore The ignorance of our situation Do I love you or am I just waiting Wish I could think of something else Not the words spoken but the ones hidden Hurt too many times to make this work
A pile of papers with nothing to say…
Going to be one of those days Dragging myself through hell A smile and a thought Doing it to myself Not nearly as bad as I once thought Tearing through a lifetime Night after night A cold and apathetic thought What do you mean to me When you mean everything Killing all the parts of me that I thought mattered How wrong I ever was This is the only way to live a life With a broken dream With a big ass smile
“Are you going to act calm, cool, and collected or are you going to run around like someone shit in your mouth?”
An ends to a means A history rooted in treachery Knowing why never seemed important Until you asked Accepting everything at face value Crumbling with time The chains that bind Who you are and all the reasons why Who we can be and the reasons why Questioning everything inside
Was just thinking this picture is rather large… need a smaller version… but then you don’t get the full effect of the image… boring ass day today… but I had fun none the less… I like boring days… to be honest… I look forward to them… nothing going to shit… no one caring what I did or what I am doing… maybe it is a getting older thing?… maybe it is a flashback of my youth?…
Did three hours of yard work… nothing special… maintaining the space I guess… blasting metal at 9 a.m. and waving at the neighbors… they are pretty cool… we all keep to ourselves… I will always like that… I lived in a neighborhood once… where everyone had to be three feet up your ass… what are you doing?… how is the family?… what do you think of this traffic?… checking my mail… you saw them walk into the house so alive… and why the fuck are you hanging out in your front yard like a creep?… I like to keep to myself… haha…
Well I should probably go finish burying the rest of the bodies… got to put the work in if you want to succeed in life… Hope all is well…
Scratching the walls with my nails. I want more. Another day
or another night. I can’t resist the temptation of the kill. They said it would
go away. It hasn’t. They said over time things would become normal. They haven’t.
Everything they said never came true. Staring into the darkness around my bed.
Dancing figures in my head. I want to kill now more than ever. Drinking a
little bit more and think about something else. The thought won’t go away. What’s
the difference if I do it for my country or for myself? Pacing again. Over and
over with no place to go. I see them all outside my window. Staring back at me.
Waiting. Always waiting. Becoming something more than myself. Twenty kills,
thirty kills, they took more of me than I could ever give away. I can give it
back. I know how. Ten inches made of steel. Sharped to a point. Carve them up.
Take piece by piece until nothing is left. They will never know. Scatter the
pieces. Too hard to find. Too hard to prove. The feelings will subside then. Take
what I’m owed. I have all the reason to do what I want. Earned my place amongst
them. What’s the difference?
Scratching at the walls with my knife. I know the reason but
I can’t bring myself to the cause. I’m not weak. I’m not too weak to do what I
need to do. Fuck you, I’m not scared. I can do it. I know I can because I have.
Over there I did whatever they told me. What needed to be done. Their eyes
burned into my mind. Life slowly draining. The relief of living another day surging
inside of me. I am safe. I don’t need to do this. There is no reason to kill
again. The power is fleeting. Underrated as they laugh. I hear them laughing.
Look at the hero with nothing. In the shadows I watch. Pissing it all away. No
more wars to fight. No more battles to be won. Cutting out their tongues. Their eyes looking back at me. Like before.
Before when no one laughed. Everything is so meaning less standing in place. I
need a purpose. I know my purpose. I have no purpose. Take the blade to myself.
End this suffering. Take away this pain digging in my head. No, I am not weak.
I am not weak.
She scratches at the walls with her nails. They never did this before. Always fought back. Not the same. Fight me I shout at her. Nothing, weak, useless she cries. Kick her in the side again. One life to live. This is how you choose to leave it. Knife pressed against her throat. Noises and no words. Aren’t they all the same? Weak. Take her apart piece by piece. Going to need rope. She won’t sit still. Won’t fight. Barely a struggle. Just the tip. Let her know how it feels. Should have gotten a male. Spit in her face. Drag the tip across her skin. Arm swings. That’s what I need. Give me more I whisper into her ear. She shakes in fear. Hand around her throat. Enough playing. Go for the kill. My brain explodes. She goes quiet. Hacking away more and more. Take everything spread it around. Wear her blood on my skin. A war paint I don’t want to erase. Do you feel that? How does it feel? It went away. A calm wave washing over me. Peace at last. Peace at last.
There is an emptiness inside my Head, heart, life, soul Craved out by your hand There is a dark cloud that hangs over my Head, heart, life, soul Nothing you say Will ever mean anything to me Living through this life Poisoning the fucking well Turned you against the thought Driven under, but I can’t forget What it is that you have done to my Head, heart, life, soul
Destined to lead a broken nation… Just like me…
Biding my time until all is dead Inconstant to the soul I claim to have Fitting in, in the shadows The darkness that separates Me from you The asshole who deserves a thrown So much better than you Fucking stab out the insecurities All I’m left with Is dead A broken thought for the fucking insane Biding my time until all is dead Dancing, screaming in the dark Best friends until the end God how much do I hate you Face to face is too much Can’t use my words when I’m Not hiding or did you forget I’ve always been The asshole in the shadows
Even the lies become clear…
Who knew depression could hurt this much? Who knew suicide felt a lot like living? Who knew this could have all been from you? Hind sight telling me something Sooner would have been so much better Working through the pain
Hope you have been enjoying When There Is No More Room… I’m having a blast working on it… trust me I am working on it… In fact this Wednesday… there will be another part… Shitting in the dark…
I know this post is all sad… a darkness I live with every day… but today… feeling pretty good… Yes… I am listening to Bother by Stone Sour… but I am doing great… Textbook I’m lying… but I’m not… at least I don’t think or feel that I am… Switching tracks to Sulfur by Slipknot… I really don’t want to come off as sad or broken… yeah the rails are a little shaky… : )
I’m totally not siting in the dark… pretending I am all right… bored with this topic… in other news… well I haven’t been up to much… I need to do another round of submissions… but really what’s the point?… I got the voices in my head after all… what more do I need?… I don’t really hear voices… at least not yet… no judgement but… Would I feel less lonely at that point?…
The key is to not get up… give up… what’s the difference at this point… keep writing… through the pain… through life… through everything… eventually… something will stick… trust me… a waste of time?… death is the only thing we waste our time thinking about… living my words… see you all this Wednesday… music I love be damned… : )
need you go speak with Stephanie. She still hasn’t got out of bed. It has been
almost three days,” the nurse tells him. I don’t look up from my desk. My pen digs deeper into the chart I’m working
on. The nurse holds on to my office door to afraid to fully enter,
“Doctor, did you hear me?” Pushing the pen the tip deeper into the chart.
“Is there anything else?” I asks looking up to her with a fake smile.
“No, I guess not,” she answers before closing the door and
disappearing. The pen tip snaps spilling ink all over the chart, “What
could the little psychopath possibly be up to now?”
I enter Stephanie’s room and the first thing to hit me is
the smell. The smell of three day old shit and piss. Jesus Christ does no one
do their job around here? Doesn’t matter I think as I rub my forehead in
frustration. Lighting up a cigarette to try and mask the smell I fight the need
to vomit. “Stephanie may I have a moment of your time?” I ask in the fakest
version of myself I can. She only sits there on her bed with her knees to her
chest staring at me. “The silent treatment for me as well. That’s fine I suppose.
It won’t help you I’m afraid,” I take another step into the room. Her eyes burn
with a furry. All of their eyes have this look. A look none of my medical books
have ever been able to explain. The two orderlies I brought with me wait a few
steps behind me. I can hear them as they try not to breathe. Unfortunately that
isn’t much of an option at the moment.
“Heard it has been over three days since you’ve attempted to get up. Moving around is good for your mind you know? A little outdoor time. Maybe some sun would make you feel better?” Still nothing only her burning eyes. “I also heard you are refusing to eat for the nurses but I see you have some of the plates there in your bed. That is good. That is positive. What isn’t so positive and judging by the smell in this room I have to believe is true? Is that you have been pissing and defecating the bed again. We’ve talked about this Stephanie. We can’t have you doing this. It isn’t healthy or sanitary. To be quite frank it isn’t really fair to the staff. That is beyond the point though. Stephanie you need to get out of bed.” My anger begins to rise as I stomp out my cigarette and light another one. Her eyes burning. Their eyes so dark. Sometimes I just want to grab them by the throat and watch the flames slowly smolder out. No, push it down. You are here to help them.
“Stephanie you need to get out of bed now,” I inform her unsympathetically.
“Bring her back,” she screams at me. My ears ringing I fight the urge to scream
along with her, “She doesn’t exist. We have been over this.” The fire rages in
her eyes, “Bring her back.” Bits of dried shit fall off her arms as she
screams. “She doesn’t exist therefore we can’t bring her back. We have been
over this. You need to understand this Stephanie,” I shout threw her screams. “She
does exist and you took her away from me,” her whole body shakes with every
word. The orderlies rush to my side but I signal them to stay back. I can feel
my own frustration and my own anger fighting to release itself. “Enough of this
screaming Stephanie,” I say with a stern voice. “There is no reason to scream
at me. I promise you we never took her away because she is not real.” She
shakes her head no causing more dried shit to fall off her body. “You are a
liar. You took her just to make me unhappy. Just to make me suffer. You are
just like them. Just like everyone else,” she throws herself into her pillows.
I take a step closer, “Now why on earth would I do something like that? I’m here to help you get better. You are here to get better. So let me help you. Let us help you get there. Let’s get out of the bed and get you cleaned up.” Her face still buried in her shit covered pillow, “Not until you bring her back to me.” Standing just out of arms reach of her the smell is becoming too much to bare. “Stephanie this is no way to live. We need to get you out of this bed,” I say as calmly as one can in this situation. Staring at her I wonder where everything went wrong. How could such a beautiful girl turn into such a mess? If this were another life or if things had worked out differently I would have been staring at her up on a screen. Not in a room with her shit smeared on the walls. This world can be too much to take at times. Before I even have time to react. Stephanie springs from her bed and tackles me to the floor. With her hands around my throat she begins to scream, “Bring her back.”
Despite her small frame she has a strength I don’t understand. The two orderlies fight to get her off of me, but with every ounce of effort her hands grip tighter to my throat. Her screaming fills the tiny room with so much noise. My ears ring as I try to fight her. I try to find a place on her body that isn’t covered in shit as my hands slide off her skin. I just want to help them. I can’t understand what is happening. That’s all I ever wanted to do. But right now I just want to kill her. Gouge out her little eyes and watch her scream in pain. So disoriented as all my sense become over stimulated confusion sets in. A nurse runs into the room and injects her with a syringe of diazepam. She fights the effects as I fight for air. Fight the urge to not kill the life from her. I feel the strength leave her hands and her weight off my chest. Inhaling deeply the smell of the room takes over as I vomit on to the floor. Staring into my own pool of vomit. I am left wondering why is it that any of this needs to exist.
“I’m not feeling particularly violent today. I mean no one
was asking me to be. I just don’t feel it. Some days I can really feel it,” she
says with a smile. The smile washes away from her face, “But not today. No,
today I feel rather joyous and a bit vain. Callus is the word? No that is
something that happens to the skin. What is the word that I am trying to say?”
A silence fills the room as she stares at the wall. “Hey, do you want to know
something else about skin? Do you know what happens when direct heat is
applied? You know like fire.” Again she stares as she waits for an answer as
she waves butane torch in her hand wildly. “Stumped you huh? Well silly it
doesn’t just turn black. You know like with raw meat. No the skin bubbles
first. Bubbles and bubbles until the water trapped inside causes the epidermis
to explode.” She begins to laugh hysterically at the screams of her victim.
“Do you still think?” She screams into the victims face. “Do
you think?” She asked calmly as she grabs the victim’s hair. She takes the long
flowing hair and wraps it around her knuckles. She pulls the hair tight and
raises it above the girl’s head. “Do you think that the same thing will happen
with hair? Should we test my theory? Because I think. Well honestly I have no
idea what will happen. Do you?” She asks curiously. “Better yet,” she pulls the
handful of hair to the point of breaking, “Do you think that if I make you as
ugly as me. You’d want me then?” She presses her scared face into the other
girl’s face. Butane torch burning in the other hand. A look comes across her
face as she stares into the other girl’s eyes, “Yeah bitch I didn’t get these
scars sucking dick. I earned them. So let’s ask ourselves this simple question.
Do you think you could ever walk in my shoes for a day? One day. That’s all.”
She looks down at the victims shoes, “Because let’s face it those pumps look
amazing. What size are they anyway?”
She turns the fuel knob on the butane torch to off and
places it down on the carpeted floor. The girl only whimpers as tears flow down
her face. “Tell me are they Capezio? Is that still even a thing? Fashion really
isn’t my thing. I’m more or less into other things. Don’t get me wrong though.
I like to learn.” She walks over to the dresser and picks something up. Slowly
pacing back over to the girl holding something behind her back, “Do you mind if
I take a look at them? You know up close? I promise I won’t hurt them.” In one
rapid motion she lunges at the girl’s right foot with a hatchet in hand.
Swinging the hatchet at the girls shin. Slightly above the ankle. Over and over
again with everything she has the hatchet connects to flesh and bone. The room
fills with the sound of screaming, laughter, and hacked away flesh. Her face
sprayed with blood at every hack. Wave after wave of blood. The victim flails
her leg in pain the best she can against the restraints. The victim’s whole
body begins to convulse until it doesn’t.
She sits crossed legged on the floor staring at what is left of the girl’s foot. “Really don’t think these are so great after all. You know with all the blood on them and everything. Hey, are you still with me princess?” She asks her. She taps the girls left leg with the side of the hatchet. “I’m talking to you.” She slams the hatchet blade side down into the victim’s right thigh. The hatchet stands in place as she slaps the girl over and over, ‘I said that I’m talking to you.” She screams words of nothing with everything she has into the girl’s face. “That bitch is dead.” Sad she tosses the hacked off foot behind her. It lands on the bed with a soft thud as it bounces into the pillows. “We were just starting to have fun.” She says with a pouted face. “I knew I shouldn’t have done that. Stupid, stupid,” she hits herself on the side of the head over and over. Rubbing her knuckles against the scars. The smell of smoke slowly fills the room. She looks around confused until she sees the knocked over torch. Watching the trail of fire as it spreads to the bed. “Well fuck, Father isn’t going to like this.” Random limbs hang from the ceiling as the fire takes everything.
The halls are filling with patients I can hear their feet
stomping. One by one they shuffle their way down the halls. The ones that can
that is. None of them mine of course. No of course not they belong to my subordinates.
All those long nights. All the studying. All the work to be at the top of my
class. What a waste of time. No, I get the special ones. The ones chained down,
the ones that most of us can only see through glass and steel. But why am I
telling you this? Talking to myself. I might as well be locked away with them.
I need. I need to get this all out. Before I end up on the other side of the
glass. We all have our reasons for being here. Locked in this place.
I am here to make sure they get “better.” Help them, cure
them, but there is no cure for crazy or deranged or homicidal. So all of my education, all of my time is
nothing but a waste. I get to pretend to be the very thing I call myself. The
title I have earned, Doctor. Head Doctor of Psychiatry at a state run asylum to
be exact. I get to pretend that I can make them all better. Trapped in
purgatory with the monster who will never see the light of day again. God damn it.
I just want to leave this place. Trapped in my head. Trapped in place. Day in
and day out. When I close my eyes. All I see are their faces smiling back at
me. They should be put down. Put down like the animals that they are. One way
trip to the pits of hell. But that’s not humane is it? That’s not right. Not in
this day and age of medicine. We can help them.
What a joke. A broken idea stabbed into our brains. Not all
of us were born equal. Not all of us deserve to live. All those long hours, all
these long days, this endless life time, and that is all that I can come up
with. Kill them all. Let the devil have his play things back. Not good enough.
Not the solution we are looking for. “Do we need to replace you with someone
better?” Better than me? Someone better than me can administer the same test
with the same results. Would it make the difference to help these monsters? Question
my very existence in this world. Driven crazy by the very people who I have entrusted
me to heal. Nothing. Surrounded by the madness and the endless cycle of
nothing. The nothing is pointless and unavoidable. The fact that nothing I will
ever do will mean anything. That’s the part I can no longer take. Life here is
an unknown mystery with the same outcome.
Welcome to the Alabaster Behavioral Asylum for the Criminally Insane. Yes, when there is no more room. Welcome to hell.
So this was that project I was talking about… either last week or the week before… I don’t know… the days bled together after awhile… Hopefully I can keep up with it… this week I will be posting three parts to it… after that I will be posting a new part every Wednesday… and filling in the days with Broken Thoughts… poems… the usual stuff… trying to change things up… taking a chance on this story… maybe I will talk about it more later… okay I will be talking about it more later…
Washing the blood from my hands Another failed attempt To make things okay Between me and you I don’t think this is working Miss you more with each day Washing the blood from my heart Took a lot longer that I thought Preserved it, to make things okay Between me and you I don’t think this is working Want you more with each day Washing the blood from my hands Another failed attempt To make things okay Between me and you
“Poster child for the inappropriate.”
Not a unique situation Uniquely the situation Thought about killing myself To the point, that I don’t know If it is already done What’s the point If this will all end? Not a unique situation Uniquely the situation Dissatisfaction to everything I’m around, to the point That I don’t know If it is me that is dissatisfying What’s the point of caring If this will all end? Not a unique situation Uniquely my own predicament
You’d be amazed at the amount of people that talk out loud to themselves. No cellphone, no head phones, and no one with them. “Do I like mesquite or maple?” I don’t know. Do you?
Told me you wouldn’t But I know you would Your lies aren’t so hidden When nothing else about you is real Confused even more after all this time A life devoted to you Could you say the same Yore lies aren’t so hidden When nothing you’ve never said was the truth Drive it in, deeper please Until I can no longer feel the pain Your love ain’t worth shit When your lies aren’t so hidden Told me you wouldn’t But I’ve always known you would
Trying out some new… headlines… I guess… to break up the Broken Thoughts… I was working on a book of Broken Thoughts… before everything went to shit… ran into a pretty hard wall twenty pages in… it just all seemed like one long ass poem… twenty pages to be exact… from screen to the page… things definitely change…
Hopefully the change makes the difference… because I really want to get that project off the ground… tell me what you think… If you have left a comment… I promise I will get back to you… I’ve become buried… but I’m not ignoring you…
I guess I should address the elephant in the room… things have become a lot better since I have written those pieces… nothing will ever be the best they can be… learning to live with who I’ve become… why is everything so cryptic?… my life at the moment…