Sunken days spent with words I don’t know Bogged down by the weight of your body Dead and bloated by all the lies Kisses from the underground Scared lips trembling The trepidation comes from within
It’s a long walk to hell and no one is willing to do it alone…
Blinking lights in the distant desert Broke down on the way to nowhere How I miss heaven A lonely place I’ve never known Heading north with everything Still left to go behind me Look how far I’ve come Going no where at all A sinking feeling left out in the sun I’m drowning for no reason at all Still trying to live even after all this time Never quite learned the reasons why Missing home despite all the things I despise Unwelcome, untethered, unable to explain All the reasons to my isolation Blinking lights in the desert
It’s not that hard to pretend… Just keeping it up is such a bitch…
“That sounds like modern slavery.” Shrugs, “Anything can sound that way if you look too deep into it. That’s not the point. If you are worth anything someone will find a way to exploit it.” Smirks, “That wasn’t the question. The question is how much are you willing to give? But hey in the meantime you get to be a fucking superhero. So you know good with the bad I suppose.” I finish washing my hands and go back to work.
What works for one doesn’t work for the other… Like a fucking Band Aid… I’m just trying to hang on…
Prepared for the worst Prepared for nothing at all The knife goes in Without any resistance at all
Never cared you were only bored…
Looking away from the crimes of others Focused solely on my own shame My place in this fucked up mess Who am I if I am not me Starving for attention, bleeding from the brain Rags to riches only to complain Life is such a worthless place Carry the burden of a thousand sons and daughters People whose faces I have never seen Couldn’t recognize me or the time and place Lost in their own little worlds Absorbing their belief in my faith Shallow but right on point
Couldn’t get away fast enough…
Poison into the vein Makes me feel sane Tapping into something new My newest addition To the same fucking thing The anger consumes All that we know The rages fuels All this bullshit Wrong, it is your fucking Ignorance Head so far up your ass Hard to tell where you begin And where you should end
Took those panties off on this one… haha… funny to maybe three of us in the whole world… When There’s No More Room… is over and that was that… Big plans for the next section of my plan… which means I will be out for a moment in time… taking a real break this time… a lot of false alarms… but I need to get my shit together… put it in a box so to speak… haha… funny to maybe one person in the whole world…
So this isn’t good bye… or so long… just a moment in time… Thoughts in my head… should be back by July… but I’m really shitty with time… baby I can’t quit you forever… next project should be more organic… a little more put together… compared to week to week… I’m excited about the next project… despite not having any real plan… riding by the seat of my pants… asshole swinging in the air… haha… okay that was only funny to me… thank you for riding out this dark time in my life… but lets forget that shit and move the fuck on… : )
There seems to be a miscommunication Between my brain and heart Mixed signals firing off as emotions The thought was always there Back of my mind, deep within A masked conundrum hidden in an enigma Read the dictionary recently Didn’t take anything from it but a few words They related to hurt, hurting, and love Lies but I don’t know which ones Forgot to remind myself what was wrong The hidden pictures trapped within Flies circling the corpse that I have become Trapped in an endless loop They relate to death, dying, and life
If you’ve told me once I know I never listened
Joined a cult and I’ve never felt more at home We call ourselves humanity Sick thoughts pushed by blood Better suited as ourselves inside What is a name without any meaning? What is a feeling you can’t feel? Empathy lost on the lonely Sick idea filled with shit Only care about ourselves Better suited to pretend What are we without any pain? What is a reason you don’t understand? Lying to myself once again Never belonged only snaked my way in Couldn’t help but fit in
Took all of this and ran with it
Feeling it coming from all sides A flame, a sensation that doesn’t stop Burn me down so I can rise again I’m not afraid of my place Maybe it is time to embrace Maybe it is time for things to be my way Stop and fucking think for a second Giving in was never worth the prize A death, a sensation that will signal the end Fall down only to get back up Say it over and over again A broken chant you need to memorize Light the bonfire and jump in Let’s get this going already Light as a feather Stiff as a fucking board
It’s not appropriate to the current situation
Carrying the weight of everything with every step What I was told was not what is true World built upon lies, bullshit we tell ourselves Dumpster fire with no regrets Shedding skin to relieve myself Hate myself but what choice did I ever have The words hurt and maybe they were supposed to Standing up to all the shit Tired of forcing myself to fit
Driving on an endless road… shouting out broken thoughts… that make no sense… no I haven’t gone crazy… part of the process… testing out voice to texted limitations… spreading the madness with no hands… been thinking… what if everyone knew all my thoughts?… what would I write about then?… what would I do with all these god damn dreams?… then I thought… what the fuck am I doing with them now?… guess it doesn’t matter what I think if none of it is real… yeah the questions don’t breed answers… only thoughts…
Staring at an empty screen… thinking of what to say… when I don’t have anything to say today… a lie I can’t live up to… never shut the fuck up… an endless fucking avalanche of thought… running out of all the things that will make me rot… too much free time that I don’t know what to do… so many free moments that I forgot… what is a dream but unactuated thoughts… like the words we make up… nothing at all… broken ideas of a thought…
“Just a
little bit further Jason we need to get a good spot for your first parade.” The
woman pulls her son through the crowd. The child looks scared and continues to
mumble louder and louder after each person he brushes past. “What are you
saying Jason?” The mother stops to hear her son in the large crowd. “I raped
that little girl and it burns in my mind. I wonder if she even remembers, but
she was so drunk she probably doesn’t,” the little boy says. “What are you
talking about Jason?” the mother shrieks in horror. “I don’t like the crowd mom
can we go back to the car?” “What were you saying before Jason?” “I didn’t say
anything before mommy,” the boy says confused. The woman crouches down to be
face to face with her son, “Yes you did and you should never repeat whatever it
is you just said. You are much too young to be using those words or to even
know them.” “What words? Are you mad at me?” The woman stands up and takes her
child into her arms, “Never mind, I’m not mad at you sweetie.” “Can we go back to the car?” the child asks
once again. The woman puts him back on the ground. “Yes we can go back to the
car,” she says disappointed. “We just have to go back through the crowd. Can
you do that?” The little boy nods his head yes and she takes his hand once
again. They start to make their way through the crowd and almost immediately he
begins to mumble again as he slips by people in the crowd. This time however it
is a different woman that hears him not his mother. “What did he just say?” the
stranger asks his mother. “Sorry?” she asks the stranger. “What did your son
just say to me?” Confused Jason’s mother tells the woman, “Nothing he doesn’t
know what he is saying. The crowd is making him very nervous and scarred.”
“That’s no excuses for lying about my father like that,” the stranger says in
anger. “What?” Jason’s mother asks. “Your little bastard kid just said my dad
like to touch me in my sleep and that I liked it. Which is bull shit lady my
dad’s a fucking saint.” The crowd around them grows slowly quite to hear what
they are saying. “Why is she yelling mom?” “Because she is confused,” his
mother says while taking his hand again. “Fuck that I’m not confused your son
is just a sick freak.” “Like I said he is scarred and nervous because of the
crowd. He doesn’t know what he is saying and you are just making it worse for
him.” “I’m making it worse?” the lady says while throwing up her arms. “I’ll
show him what worse really is.” The stranger eyes the child as someone steps up
to them. “Excuses me is there a problem here?” a uniformed police officer asks
the two ladies. “Yes there is her fucking bastard child is making up stuff
about my father and me.” “Ma’am the language is not appropriate. He is just a
child he probably just doesn’t know what he said.”
The cop kneels down to be at
Jason’s level. He places his hand on the child’s shoulder, “Why don’t you just
say you’re sorry, and you and your lovely mother can enjoy the rest of the
parade.” “I shot him because he was black. I knew he didn’t have a weapon, but
I shot him anyways. What’s the world with one less black man? A better place,”
Jason says to the cops face. The cop turns a lighter shade of pale, “Excuse
me?” “Oh my god Jason I can’t believe you just said that. That is enough,” his
mother says while picking him up. “I’m so sorry,” the mother tries to explain
to the cop. The police officer ignores her. “That never happened. He had a gun
so I shot him,” he says to himself. The crowd grows even quieter as the cop
backs away from the mother and child. “Told you the kid was a freak,” the
stranger says. “Shut up,” the officer says to the woman. The crowd murmurs
while staring at the cop. “So what if he was black?” the cop asks while looking
around at the people around him. “A criminal is a criminal and I did what I had
to do to protect myself,” the cop mumbles to himself. “Mom I want to go home
I’m scared.” Jason puts his head in the crook of his mother’s neck. He buries
his head as deep as she begins to speak, “I’m just going to take my son home if
that is okay with you officer. He didn’t mean what he said and doesn’t even
know what he is saying.” The cop doesn’t look up as he speaks, “That is
probably for the best ma’am.”
The mother turns to walk through
the crowd once again. Two people in front of the crowd move right out of the
way making sure to not touch the child as they pass by. “That’s it,” the
stranger shouts before throwing her arms down and walking away. As his mother
tries to go around a rather large man Jason’s dangling foot lightly touches the
man’s arm. “I buried them under my house. The smell is starting to get to me
but in a way I like it,” Jason says. The man has a face of shock as he tries to
move away without anyone noticing. Jason mother stops dead in her tracks as
someone from the crowd shouts, “Someone get that man.” “Why I’ve done nothing
the wrong here,” the man says while trying to push through the crowd that will
not move. “Just because a child says something that makes it true?” the man
asks the crowd. Jason’s mother sets her son back on the ground, “What did you
do?” “I didn’t do anything,” the man says nervously. “This is Officer Johnson,
I need back up on the intersection of Fifth and Jackson,” the officer says into
his communicator. “Backup?” the man questions out loud. “There’s no need for
backup I didn’t do anything.” The officer pulls his gun from its holster,
“Please put your hands behind your head.” “Hey, watch it there trigger finger I
didn’t do anything.” “Then you won’t mind putting your hands behind your head?
I won’t ask again.” “Okay so some crazy fucking kid says something and we’re
all going to believe him?” The crowd is still silent as the people behind the
man slowly move away. “My son is not crazy. I don’t know what is wrong with
him, but he is not crazy.” The man grabs her throat and begins to choke her.
“Your son is crazy,” the man grips tighter on her throat, “Fucking say it.” The
man pulls her in front of his body as the officer fires two rounds. The two
shots hit her right in the chest. The man releases his grip on the woman’s
throat as she falls to her knees. Jason’s mother coughs up blood as the officer
also goes down to his knees.
The crowd begins to cry out and run
in all directions, “Nice job officer dip shit. I guess we will just have to add
another innocent death to your list.” Jason has not moved from his spot as he
stands there stunned. The large stranger walks up to Jason and grabs him by the
shoulders as he raises him high into the air. “Why did you do this you little
brat?” the man screams as he shakes the child. Jason begins to cry out a
mixture of mumbles and tears. “I sliced her open like she was a deer or some
other wild animal.” “Shut up,” the man says as he shakes the child harder. “Put
the kid down,” the officer tries to say but the words just fall to the ground.
“Another, I fucked her while she bleed out all over my garage floor,” Jason
begins to laugh but it is not the laughter of a child. “Shut the fuck up,” the
man says as he wraps his powerful hands around Jason’s throat. The man squeezes
as hard as he can as Jason fights to say something, “I prefer to asphyxiate my
victims and I save it for the special ones.” Too weak to move Jason hangs there
as the man begins to shake him once again, “I said shut up.” “Put the kid down,”
the officer tries again. The officer rises to his feet, “What’s another dead
piece of shit?” The cop fires all of the remaining bullets, but one into the
man’s body. The cop takes the burning hot barrel and places it into his mouth
blowing out the back of his head. Back up finally arrives on the scene to find
all the dead people on the ground.
True fucking story I tell the people across from me. A few of them are my friends and a few of them aren’t. They even have a name for what happened even though most of the people back home like to pretend it never happened. “What’s it called I’ll Google it right now?” a naïve girl asks from across the fire. “You won’t get any signal out here. We are in the middle of nowhere,” another girl says. “Okay whatever I’ll write it down and look it up later what was it called?” As dramatically as I can be I tell them what it was called. It is called the Memorial Day Incident. “What kind of fucking name for something is that? That stories such bull shit,” the girl says. “No it really happened,” a friend of mine says. “Okay then what happened to Jason?” I start to say something, before being cut off. “I want him to tell me,” she demands. “What happened to Jason? That’s what you want to know?” my friend asks. The girl nods her head, “Yeah what happened to Jason?” “Jason died that’s what happened to him. The large man shook him so hard that his neck snapped,” the friend explains as he looks over at me. “I still think it is all bull shit, but whatever. Who else has an actual scary story to tell?”
More short stories and stories like this can be found in Drinking Bleach… my book of short stories… now available on Amazon… check out some more cool stuff on Threadless… and tell me how much I suck over on Twitter… I feel so dirty… but my doctors tell me I have to eat… and to pay their bills… bunch of quacks if you ask me…
Fucking asshole with a face Spewing your toxic shit all over me Who the hell do you think you are No one at all Follow along because I don’t know better Woke to an idea An idea that doesn’t mean shit Respect is a worthless term What am I worth to your overall need Burning down your broken ideas Inhaling this feeling, go away Lost, trapped, where have you been? Is god supposed to mean something To the devil it is all the same An honesty that can’t be hidden Rethink what you believe In a world of lies Stacking shit miles high Stacking piles of you all along the road Life was worth so much more When it was worth nothing at all
All Worked Up
Shaking your ass like no one gives a shit Blind to your own pain Take away all the anger Only left with shame How I’ve longed to feel the same Centerfold for all my hate Spreading your ass like no one means a thing Numb to your own vanity Took away all the essence Of a being My heart was sold on a first glance Sold my soul for a taste Need a name, registration Living under the tree of your needs The blood flows through the roots Extension of an idea The tension is killing me Each gust of wind pushing harder Digging out my own grave Fall into the silence of an endless existence Bodies piling up in the corner I thought you should know They’re all for something more Worship, adore, used, useless Distasteful way of saying I’ve saved the best for last
Another poem about work?… yeah fuck that place… not sure what about work… but I don’t need a reason to be pissed off about that place… I mean they want me to interact with these walking asshole and be happy about it?… as if… Work isn’t that bad most days… that was hard to type… it really isn’t… I could be doing worse things… what they are… I’m not sure… but if I was doing them… I could tell you right away… haha…
Poem 2 is dirty… digging a grave isn’t easy… if you have done it… you know what I am talking about… cheap joke… what you come here for… poem 2 is about a serial killer… or a murderer… the want… the obsession… the dissatisfaction… and the need for more… I didn’t research this in the field… hell I didn’t even mean to write it… Netflix is just over saturated with true crime documentaries… and I have a want… an obsession… a dissatisfaction… and a need to watch them all…
That there hasn’t been any new post for When There Is No More Room…. and basically after this one there won’t be… Some shit came up… but unlike the last year or so… this shit was all positive… It also has kind of hindered a lot of my plans for the rest of the year… but I’m excited about it so that is something… I started working on my next novel… because I have started writing my next novel… I lost interest in finishing a failed one…
For those of you who really enjoyed When There Is No More Room... I am sorry… I wanted to finish it… I fought the last couple of weeks to get it done… but honestly my heart isn’t there… I’m sure many of you could feel it on the last couple of post I did for it… if you didn’t I am glad… I wasn’t trying to phone anything I wrote in… in my head though it felt like I was… the plan was to just push through it… get it done… and on the next project… have it all fully written and fleshed out… something I didn’t do for When There Is No More Room…
Well kind of… I had doctor parts from a failed third book from years ago… but that was it… even they had to be rewritten and worked… the rest was just me sitting down at the computer… thinking how do I kill people?… pulling stories from my ass… and I thought that would last until the end… turns out I didn’t have anything more to pull out of my ass… by about mid way… I didn’t hate No More Room… I felt like I came up with some pretty great stuff in the beginning… maybe some stuff I’d like to go back to at a later date… but for the most part it did what it needed to do for me… and that was get me writing again… get me interested in writing stories again… which it has…
Many… if not all… of you are writers… not all are novelist or have any interest in writing a novel… there are a lot of ups and downs… a fuck ton of false starts… and a million ideas that don’t lead to no where… then you have to write the fucking thing… don’t even get me started on editing… I hate editing… takes too god damn long… and if you do it right… by the time you are done editing… you are pretty much at the point of fuck this piece of shit… why did I ever think that I could write in the first place??… maybe that last part is me… : )
So I am excited to get that going… but I am also bummed that I didn’t finish No More Room… I will however post the original ending… how it was meant to end… I did have that written from before… I will drop that below this excuse… I also have some fun facts to share about the project… I will post that at the end as well… again I apologies that I didn’t finish the story properly… and I thank those of you who stuck with it…
Layne Ambrose
I Think We Are Alone Now
“I’m scared Chris do we really have to be here so late? Couldn’t we have come earlier in the day?” She asks pressing against me. I’m scared too, but I don’t let her know that. “Don’t be scared baby. I just wanted to show you around that’s all,” I tell her. “You’ve been here before this late?” She asks. “Of course I have,” I tell her as we sneak up the dilapidated stairs. “Don’t give me that look,” I don’t even look at her, but even in the dark I can tell she has one on her face. “Well who were you here with last?” She asks rather loud. She stops in her tracks. “Are you serious right now?” I whisper. “I just want to know who you were here with last? What’s her name?” She asks even louder. “Baby, I wasn’t here with only one person. My friends and I used to come here all the time. I told you that before,” I whisper. The sound of shuffling feet comes from nowhere. We grab each other tight. “What was that? Is this place really haunted? Didn’t something happen in the 50’s?” she whispers in fear.
I listen for any more sounds and I don’t hear anything. I pull on her gently to continue going up the stairs, “Some people say they hear voices of past patients, but I’ve never heard anything like voices here.” We climb one more flight of stairs and I slowly open the door at the top. We sneak our way into the hallway. “Can we just go already? I don’t like it here at all. It feels really cold for some reason,” she whines. “We already climbed the stairs and the really cool stuff is up here. Stand closer to me and you will warm up. This building is super old and it is a cold night. Imagine being one of the patients?” I ask her. She doesn’t say anything. “There is only a few things I want you to see and then we can go?” I kiss her on the cheek. “There wasn’t anything cool you could have shown me on the first floor?” She asks in a worried voice. “No, the really good stuff is on this floor. This is where they had some of the patients and the shock treatment equipment,” I can’t hide my excitement.
“I don’t think we should be messing with that stuff,” she pleads. “Oh, don’t worry no one’s around so, no one is going to care. It will be fun I promise. Plus you said you wanted to see it,” I remind her. “Really starting to regret agreeing to any of this. I hope we don’t hear anything scary up here,” she says. “Why afraid you’ll scream and wake everyone up?” I ask jokingly. “Haha, like I care about that,” she says mockingly. “Well you should,” I say in a creepy voice. “They kept some serious freaks here. Nearly anyone in this region the state thought were to broken to put in jail,” I tell her. “Why didn’t they just kill them then?” She asks. “You shouldn’t talk like that. What if you piss one of them off?” I ask. “What if I do? It’s not like they can do anything about it?” She states. “Can we just go a little bit faster? I’m only being cautious because this building is pretty old,” I tell her. “So this place isn’t safe?” She asks surprised.
“Great so you’re putting my life at risk? This is one hell of a date,” she whines. “This is a date?” I ask confused. “Seriously?” she shakes her head. “At this rate you’d be lucky if I even admit to knowing who you are after this,” she warns. “Sorry, I thought we were only hanging out. I didn’t realize it was a date. I didn’t even think you were really that in to me,” I stop to tell her. “And if you had known?” She asks. “Well I wouldn’t be trying to impress you right now with how brave I am. I would have taken you to a much more romantic place then this shit hole,” I tell her. “Well how about we get out of here and do just that?” She asks staring into my eyes. I lean in to kiss her on the lips. With my eyes close I hear her words. “Do you smell that?”
I stop leaning and smell around us, “All I smell is you.” A look of horror comes across her face, “It smells like fresh cigarettes. I think someone is up here.” I put my hands on her shoulders, “Didn’t you see all that dust and ash coming up here? It has been sometime since anyone has been up here.” She starts shaking. “You shouldn’t be here,” a voice says from behind us. “What the fuck,” she screams as she runs back down the hall way. I turned to see where the voice is coming from. “There’s no one there,” I say out loud. “I know,” she screams behind me. “But there is no one there,” I say to myself to paralyzed to move. The smell of cigarette smoke washes over me, “I said you shouldn’t be here.” The sound of shuffling feet fills the hall way, but no one is there. “Do you have an appointment?” the voice asks as I black out.
This was a long ass post… probably should have made an appointment for your time… yeah that was bad… so as promised fun facts about this story… some lose ends tied up as well…
Fun Fact... The title of this story comes from the tagline of my favorite movie of all time… “When there is no more room in hell the dead shall walk the earth”... Any guesses?… hopefully none… but it is from Dawn of the Dead (1978)… If you caught that early one… you might have guessed the ending… if not then it was just something fun for me…
Lose end… So originally this whole thing was going to be my third book… doctor… patient… back and forth… I tried to do a smaller version here on the website… basically everything that the doctor was saying was after they all died because he was trapped in “hell”… reliving every day he had to work at the shit box asylum… the patient stories all took place before the fire… or before they all died…
Fun Fact… the doctor bitching about the facility was the real killer… not him… he honestly wanted to help them… fought to keep the place up and running… tried to get them the help he believed he could provided… but the state was like fuck’em… so we was waging a war on all fronts… which broke his mind… then he died… because the shit building fell apart somehow… I didn’t have that part worked out yet… that’s a twofer…
Lose end… the doctor and his brother… that plot thread was an add on from the beginning… so years ago… I believe I hinted at it here in the smaller story… I was going to take it out… but just as I did then… I liked the idea that the doctor had a reason for being a doctor… also the back and forth between him and his brother was interesting to me… something I needed to work out… didn’t… and now it is like what the fuck?… it had a bigger overall theme in the original…
I think that was it… Did you catch all the weird 50’s or earlier references in the patient’s stories?… if you have any questions?… are pissed that I didn’t finish it?… don’t give a shit?… or just want to say hi?… leave a comment at the bottom… for those of you who cared… I hope this was at least something to put an end to the story for you…
A place I once knew A thought I thought Understood by only me This is for everything you’ve done Everything you’ve become A nightmare I once knew A thought I thought Understood by no one This is for everything you’ve written Everything you’ve become A heart I once knew A thought that over takes me Understood you’d understand This is everything you’ve meant to me Everything I thought you were Take the breath right out of me Took the words out of my soul Taken everything I used to be
Does any of it matter?
A break between the waves Air, water, food the rest is pointless Conditioned to believe I’m doing the right thing Sacrifice, suffer, endure only a symptom A schism from underground Realizing now the end was never the point The present was always the tomb
If none of it ever did?
The devil’s making her way inside Her cape draped, drips with crimson The genius that it is A flashing image of imagination A reality stuck in my head Why is it we question anything that is said? Why is it we want to be lead so blindly? God told me once, said some shit about shutting the fuck up The secrets we’re never meant to be spoken Only thought about in the darkness of the mind The dark ages such a lovely time Truth spread like a plague, killing all of those who said The age of information, the day of reckoning around the corner A sin with nothing to say Are you, is anyone ever prepared for the truth? Are you, is anyone willing to? Dancing blindly in the dark The world was never yours What give you the belief heaven is any different? Her trail of crimson grows with every step
Dying inside is a solitary burden.
No one tries to take anything from you They just did Selfish and selfless Explain the meaning and tell me the difference To get something from nothing And make it last Has to be the hardest of all A diamond in a sea of shit Shinning but muted Explain the meaning and tell me the difference
Really need to change this image… need to do a lot of things… won’t go into a long rant right now… not really up to it… just trying to get through the day… feeling lazy… well I’m feeling like I want to take on a million things… and nothing at all at the same time… does that makes sense?.. yeah… I don’t get it either…
My shame burned into my face Feeling the words more than I want Stabbing you deep inside me A feeling that means so much Only for a moment in time Forever locked away This is the land of opportunity Each level requires registration Skin and blood have much in common In that they are never enough The color isn’t black and white Off color green, dead beliefs burned into Everything we say Nothing matters when you are free Up on a cross to get away Crucifixion means more than We’d like to believe A faith in nothing leaves only a lost feeling Take what you can get Shape it into something Turn it into freedom, chains dangling at your feet Unbroken chains we pay to escape Nothing ever goes away Doesn’t matter what you believe Everything will always be Just out of reach
Running Out of Ink
Trapped in a parasitic existence
Looking into the eyes of those you hurt
Future unavoidable, forever left failing
Doing it right is doing it wrong
Giving it everything is all that we know
Trapped, left incomplete, purpose
Reasons never explained
Always pushed in our faces
We say
We understand
Have we, could we, hold me
The truth is there is no reason
Hard to swallow a shallow existence
Doing it wrong is doing it right
Fall in place marching to your death
Same as me, same as the rest
A million progressions going every way
Tracing a path to the same place
Ink foaming at the mouth
Spitting blood, are you sick?
Living with it
Future wrote before it has been read
How does it feel to be so human?
What does it matter if it never mattered?
Questioning everything to do with
Your existence
If you look really close at the image… you may notice the concrete in the background…
I’m really proud of the first one… I almost saved it for submissions… but fuck it… I’m sure it would just be rejected like everything else… I don’t like to brag or think that I am this great writer… but… there are some great lines in this one… The first part is weird… a lot of weird phrasing about how I hate my job and station in life at the moment… Then a bunch of lines about how the world is trying to fuck me… no matter how hard I fight it… or you fight it… or anyone… because no matter where you are in life… the next step is just as hard… if not harder than the last one… so enjoy it now because it is only going to suck more tomorrow…
So what the fuck does that mean?… give up?… fight harder?… it means whatever the fuck you want it to mean… we are all at different levels… some of us want to go to the top…. some don’t… but don’t let the dream fool you into believing everything will be better if… yeah if… if I had this… if I had that… if I was there… if I had done this… If is whatever you want it to be… we are all chasing it… but none of us ever catch it… ask around… if we get the time we can all cry about it later… such is life…
Poem 2… was originally called Existence… it was kind of lame… it was similar in tone as the last one… except with having to do with the outside world… it had more to dealing with the one in my head… Kind of a full day for me… I get all worked up about the outside self… calm myself down… and start thinking about how fucked up I am on the inside… how I’m not good enough… how I’ll never get any where in life… doing everything right is doing it wrong… because no matter what I do… still in the same place…
From here it is a basic downward spiral… that’s my day in condensed form… really though I’d say it is more like a heart rate monitor… up and down at a rapid speed until the end of the day where it is more like this………….^…………………
I’m sure an image would have been much easier to understand… but I like making you work for it… haha… there’s no good transition to end this… so that was that… I guess… Ambrose out… no… that was pretty lame… hope all is well…
Get over it as they say Killing off, cutting off the dead limbs The misery, the pain Burning down the village of the damned Taking everything I deserve Worked harder than I care to admit For nothing at all Big ass smile, fucking let down Watching the flames burn higher and higher The stench more than anyone can handle Move the fuck away from me Haven’t you ever seen someone Trying to kill themselves for your pleasure?
Face down… ass up… looking for the sun…
I know because I’ve heard before Thought I could hide my intentions For eons I’ve done nothing right A promise I couldn’t keep Lies stitch together my very soul God was right they’re all destined to fail How could I, a fallen angel, have not known Jealousy courses through their veins Hate and anger a diet they must consume No one ever pauses to question Who creates something so awful and calls them their children? A beaten corpse with no name Resurrection after resurrection same every time Broken prophecy filled with truth False hope fills my soul An answer I’ll never come to understand
At the end of days everything will be much of the same… only different…
Through the darkness I can see the future Much darker than now Who am I to complain Existence is existence None the less Bitching my way to death A threat left empty handed What the hell else was I to do To live is to die Same as it ever was A broken promise left on paper Digital age took over So I guess I really am all alone
It is starting to get warmer here in hell… and fuck I hate it… going to have to go back to writing in the nude… it doesn’t help the ideas flow but it doesn’t stop them either… I hate the heat… can only strip down so far… haven’t found away to strip away my flesh… well I mean I have but I’m going to need some help… In the mean time all I am left with is to suffer… same as it ever was I guess… No idea where I was going with this… the sweat is getting in my eyes and I can’t think… that feeling when that one bead of sweat runs from your armpit and down your side… shiver… bring on the ice age already… it is too hot to make any sense…
A bloody feeling touching finger tips Hints of a reason Scene of the crime A broken heart with no life Stabbing pains in my side What has it been Days, weeks, months I don’t care The thought only grows A sick feeling inside my head If only I could I know that I would Desperation and a fucked up feeling Tell me one more time So I can remember Slipping through the cracks Concrete floor never felt so soft Until they left me bleeding on the floor Death rattle shaking A cold wave washes over everything
Scratching at the surface only to dig deeper
Bleeding under the stars Isn’t any different than not Feelings become lost In so much shit Said I cared when I didn’t Said I didn’t when I did I’m a confused asshole What do you want me to say When no one believes me any way Rats will rule this world Becomes okay, is ok Past tense so subversive Predictable predictions on how this would be I missed the boat, yeah that’s me Digging a grave at sea
One for the money… Two for the turn around and go home…
Worn down after the years of abuse The teeth tell a story Buried in the concrete Age not in the thought But in the heart Taking what is left Buried upon the surface Paint the blood on your skin Drying along the scars A map of your abuse Screaming obscenities Words that remind me of you What it means I don’t know What it does I don’t know How it feels How it ever was Drowning in the thoughts Pouring out of the skin Pressure releasing all the lies Tell me one more time How you’d like to watch me die
Someone is always better
Slipping down a path made of sin The piss feels like rain from here Choking to keep throwing up It isn’t hell if it is home It isn’t hell if it is all you know Jamming it down my throat to see how it feels Stuck, shifting gears into another thought The mud isn’t dirt but shit Drowning in a sea of all of this Asked for forgiveness but only wanted a reason Thought I was full of nothing Come to find out I just have too much to say The lines blend together when you line them up Broken threads in a stream of consciousness It isn’t hell if it feels like home It isn’t hell if it is all that I want to know Fucking useless conclusion A feeling I lost looking into the abyss Staring into nothing along A deep dark hole made of deceit Love the feeling even if it only brings need
“All you ever do is write.” “Correction… all I want to do is write… there is a difference…” That didn’t go over so well… so I’m off to spend time with my family… Black Yoshi going to paint ever track with your blood… game on ladies… : )
Singularity symptom of a crime Punishment for a sin I’ve yet to commit Self-sacrifice is a selfish mind set Always been about the team Smile and take it deeper The pain is only for a moment Spread over a life time It goes away The pretense of the present Set in stone, etched through the blood Of the words laid out in front of me Living an excuse of an existence Watching everything from my digital screen I’m starting to see what you mean By myself in my selfishness Always been true I just wasn’t listening The sad song you’ve been playing all along A demon chant with too many thoughts Present my case to a jury made of my peers Worthless thought stolen from a god Jesus had a point when he said I’ve died for your sins Words shoved down my throat A long shaft, do not complain Be more like me Be more whole Be everything you were meant to be Be all that was ever said Just fucking be So easy as you take the steps Heavy footed fucking foot print Left in the sand Lay more down on me I can take more as long as I’m still breathing
All Mixed Up
Obsessed with the obsession of death Constant reminder that I’m still alive The synapses of your encephalon is more Than I could handle Smoke so thick they call it a fog But we know what it really is The fumes of your shit consume me Body and soul Choking down all your words has left me Broken and whole An odd arrangement of what it means to be human Spit in my mouth and tell me it is love Dance on my grave A place chosen for me without my consent To say I miss you would be more than the truth Too much for me to handle An excuses I carry all the way home You’ve got me, hooked to the back bumper Dragging the lifeless corpse the rest of the way All mixed up is one way to say How you make me feel when I’m fucking you Payback is a bitch or so they say The voices never take the time To shut the fuck up
These are two poems… I wrote a few months ago… and I may have been a little gone when I wrote them… some times I remember why I write things and other time shit just comes out… if you haven’t figured out by now… some of my writing is on auto pilot… not that it doesn’t have any feeling… but some times I just start with two lines or a line… and I just go until I can’t think of anything else… more so when I have been drinking…
I’m sure we all have our way of clearing our minds… I enjoy these kind of poems from time to time… I prefer to write things with a purpose… but sometimes it is nice to just let whatever comes out… to just come out… The hard part about that is that sometimes they don’t fit any where… don’t fit into the “plan”… which is why I have been sitting on them for a while…
My favorite line from either of the two is… “Spit in my mouth and tell me it is love”… so beautiful and disgusting at the same time…
