Waiting these feelings out Digging a hole in the ground Chiseling out the words That will define me Heart no longer beating Got to keep moving Crashed too many times to make sense Burning Loved you most when I knew Your hate wasn’t a thought But the truth Wandering down a winding path Destination no longer in the past Watered down drinks Dismissive, unclear adjectives
Feel like I’m suffocating in a room full of windows…
This Is Where I Found You
Cold wind blows in A heart of steel and glass Shattered pieces blowing in the wind Eyes full of pain and tears An endless idea of everything I bring This is where I found you As I watched you die By my hand By my thoughts By my loneliness Cold wind blows in A heart made of dirt and sand Shattered existence blowing in the wind Hour glass full of time Slipping from my hands This is where I found you As I watched you slowly drown From my hands From my thoughts From my loneliness Cold wind blows in A heart made from the dead and the living Shattered existence blowing in the wind Head full of unrealized thoughts An endless idea of everything I have This is where I found you As I watched you try to live By my hand By my thoughts By my loneliness There is no place you shall ever be By my side and everything you’ve meant to me Kill you as we slowly die The demons always coming from inside
Why climb a mountain if you can walk up it…
Busy chasing ghosts Let the dead go Dead, dying, some sort of living Let the dead sleep They deserve what little peace We can give them
Going through my notes… for the next couple of post… dark storm clouds are rolling in… feel like I am reading from a script… Not sure how the next few posts will be different from any other day… thinking of taking up a job as a weatherman… weather person?… I’m joking of course so, I don’t care much for being politically correct… offensive?… what do you come here for?.. coddling the sack is not how this all started… driven to a point where I’m willing to insert the shaft… this life style is not for the weak… but for those of us that have shit to do today… a constant grind… one more post and then I can be done… a lie I tell myself so I can move on… another day… another year… I’ll always be willing to rot here in place…
Breaking down the barrier Between then and now Forever lost in your thoughts How it is, how it should be Like suffering where you sit Here we are trapped in all this shit An endless cycle Without a defined beginning Like suffering as you breathe Struggling through every breath Here I am waiting on your sin
Broken wings too bent to fly…
Your words hurt me I won’t admit this truth Face to face The truth burns deep inside my head An insect among the dead Feared and never respected Bring the truth of the world to light Eating all that you dispose In the darkness I grow
Scattered across the floor of my mind…
Apocalypse Dawn Burning scars across the face of it all The embers burn into a blaze of thought Screaming words to prove I’m sane The poison long injected into the vain Been longing to die with them all along Just didn’t know it had to be so soon As quickly as now Trading everything to not fit in The transactions leaving tracks across the skin Selling parts of me to prove I’m not them Antisocial and got it wrong Suffering alone for no reason at all Just didn’t know that it had to make no sense Not even now A confusing time to figure it all out At the apocalypse dawn
Wait that last one isn’t a Broken Thought… it is a poem… yeah well shit changes… Originally only had the title… Apocalypse Dawn… which is why I wrote every line to “As quickly as now“… in the first place… should have been the end of the thought… as it was when I wrote it months ago… but on second pass today… I thought that it was way to violent for no reason at all…
I’m not one to shy away from violence… being vulgar… but even I have a change of heart… when there is no reason for it… So I started fucking around with it and came up with the rest… turned it from a violent world ending thought… to being about growing old… retrospective today?… maybe…
While messing around I wrote three other lines that I took out… they were good… but I only wanted the idea of what they said rather than the actual words themselves…
A fashion statement with no reason Just go back to the beginning To see where this began
Maybe I will use them later for something else… or they will get buried in my notes… but without context they are very vague… the first line here is about trends and all the things we do to be “different”… something I am very guilty of… not a bad thing… but as we grow older… as we out grow the trend of the time… popular or not… we may still keep some of things we did as children… but mostly we shed all that we can to fit in to society in the end… All the kids are like fuck that this is me for life… and all of us “old people” are having flashbacks earlier times…
Need examples?… why the fuck not… my thoughts are on display anyway… Growing up I was Punk as fuck… you know like everyone else… I was rebellious to a point… I had crazy hair… basically my bangs grown all the way to the center of my chest and the rest of my head shaved… dyed black of course… finger nails painted… very Misfits… blended with what I also loved at the time… pop punk… lip ring… long shorts… skater shoes… I also had to have black bracelets… the rubbery jelly kind… because Joey Jordison from Slipknot had them… so I had to have them too… I was a mix of fashions… because I was so “different” then everyone else…
I carried these rebellious choices for a long ass time… It was me and was always going to be me… let me tell you kids don’t even know… hit that first job… lost half of myself in an instant… lip ring had to come out (I kept this for awhile… had to take it out when I got to work… but when all you do is work… it became too much of a pain in the ass to take out every day)… nails must be clean… and absolutely no bracelets… I fought some of these rules… I had changed my hair by then… you know because Davey Havok from AFI had a full head of long black hair… so I needed that too… but for the most part it was fit in or starve…
Sell out?… maybe… but somethings aren’t worth fighting for… growing older you learn the difference… for me fashion didn’t define me for me… my thoughts… my words… the music I like… those define me… and can’t be taken away… Lost track of where I was going with this… but shit changes whether you want it to… think it won’t… or believe in your heart of hearts that it can’t?.. unless you are rich… then you can shit from the roof tops with no regrets… fitting in has such a dirty taste…
Almost forgot… a thought… Apocalypse Dawn… Would make such an awesome band name… yeah sometimes the thoughts are as simple as that… and everything else just leaks out…
“Things went from bad to worse,” he says as they
walk down the long corridor. “What do you mean?” One of his
colleagues asks. “Most importantly they are being taken to the facility
right now to insure there will be a future them,” he says ignoring the
question all together. “Doesn’t matter there won’t be,” another
colleague responds. They move quickly through the corridor making sure no one
sees them. “Sure maybe not now but twenty or thirty years from now when
they have figured it out. It will be the end of the world,” the leader
lays out. They arrive at an unmarked door. Looking around he inserts his key
card, “Quickly we don’t have much time. The cameras have already alerted
them I’m sure.” The three of them enter the room. “We need to erase
whatever we can,” the leader says. “What are we even really doing
here?” One of them asks. They walk through the stacks of tanks. Each one
containing what looks to be a fetus. “Trust me they won’t have cloning
figured out by then. Cloning doesn’t work now and by the time it does it be two
hundred or more years before it does. And even by then none of them will be
relevant beyond history books,” a colleague states. “Exactly, we need
to stop them now. These are all nothing more than failures. But the potential
each container contains. This is where it all starts. This is where we have to
make our stand,” the leader says. “Your fear of that future is
irrelevant. Some other monster will take their place,” one of them states.
They begin pulling electrical board after board as the tanks switch to back up
power. “We will impact the next fifty years by our actions today. We
fucked up already letting them go into hiding. Who knows exactly how much
information they were able to collect behind our backs,” the leader says.
“Doesn’t matter they won’t have us when all this is over. The others will
find them and do their part. Same as before. This won’t be over but you’re
right we can slow it down.”
The lights begin to flash as the backup systems trigger the disturbance. “We are in the final moments of our chance to do your part. Destroy whatever you can,” the leader orders. They split up and rush through the room pulling board after board. Sloppy they pull what they can as they hear the door open and the boots of their oppressors marching through. “Use extreme force,” they hear someone order before they hear the sound of bullets breaking glass. The sounds of screaming and death soon to follow. The floor is wet in more than just blood as the last one of the resistance takes their final breath. A solider walks over to their dying body. “If you do the devil’s work then you are,” a bullet to the head silences the room. “Sweep the room, recover the bodies, and report back,” the solider orders. The others do as they are told. Dragging the bodies of the dead to the center of the room. The sound of the door opening again fills the room. The sound of footsteps on glass follows. “Report,” a man in a white coat demands. “All deserters accounted for and terminated. Zero causalities on our side. They were unarmed. Damage unknown. Believed to be minimal,” the solider reports. “Good job. Could have been executed sooner, but good job none the less,” the man in the coat says. “Thank you sir,” the solider responds. “Now if we can figure out how they were able to bypass their programming?” The man in the white coat questions out loud.
Odd title… wonder if it is connected?… I’m sure it is… quick and easy story… a thought to link two ideas… is what it is… forever and a day to get it done… see you all again real soon…
Breaking glass The water is creeping in Head on collision The water will always take What is mine Cracking foundation The ground is caving in Breaking through The ground will always swallow Me whole Everything in this world Is coming for me Black cloud hanging Begging me to come in Desperately trying to fight it off A losing battle in my head Breaking me down This is all it ever was A thought I couldn’t give up
Cynical… Obstructive… Hypocritical…
In my spare time In the absence of thought You are all I can think of Past, present, and this Prison sentence undeserved I still serve, afraid of the answers Finding them, hammering at the chains That still bind us together No longer a time or place Here and now Chipping away at all the thoughts Caged inside my mind What did you really do When my back was turned Fuck your lies It’s time, the truth, set me free From this waking nightmare In my mind So sick of wanting to die
All my heroes killed themselves… Literally and figuratively…
If only everything wasn’t trying to kill me If only all of this would just do it If only life wasn’t so hard Caffeine is rotting my brain Can’t stay awake Nicotine is taking my lungs Can’t stop the shaking Alcohol is making me crazy Can’t change anything I’ve become If only everything would go away If only all of this would be okay If only life was never this way
Well that got depressing fast… not even having a bad day… did at some point though… proof in the words that came out… can’t take one hundred percent credit on that last one… I was… still am listening to a lot of Queens of the Stone Age… that last one was inspired by two of their tracks… Feel Good Hit of the Summer… If Only… and everything I was going through at the time… If Only was the anthem that got me through most of this last year…
I know I said I finished all the thoughts from last year… but I found a few more… shouldn’t be a thing… pick at scabs… tearing open old wounds… seems to be a common theme around here that I’d like to ignore… but like maggots on a corpse… I’m just some how drawn to them… feeding on all the thoughts I try to ignore…
I’m startled awake confused as to where I am and where I
should be. I can feel the bang of the door as much as I think I can hear it.
“I’m going already. Give it a rest,” I shout but they don’t care. The
door rattles with every strike. Must mean something to bang this damn long. I
try to get up and at first it seems that I am having the hardest of times.
Everything seems out of place in my brain as I. There’s no other way to
describe what happens to me next. No way other than I rise up? A ghostly
outline of my former self. Neither here nor there or anywhere to be exact. I
watch over my lifeless shell. Who I used to be? Who I am now? Who I will be
forever? Confusion doesn’t even begin to explain the feelings of everything that
is happening. My door flies open. No more banging.
The first emergency responder to rush into my tiny studio
apartment seems as though he is caught between two places. Nervousness and
excitement flashes across his face in a slow motion that plays out in rapid
speed. His partner half a step behind him. Their heavy bags land with a thud
next to my bed, next to me. What is left of me? One of them picks up the phone
next to my vessel’s hand. Says a few words I can not fully hear or understand,
and hangs up the phone. The other searches for a pulse. Finding nothing of
course they begin chest compressions. The difference between life and this is
only a second but I imagine every second counts at this point. I imagine what
is left of my time counts for something when a life is on the line. Try as they
might the only fight left is the fight they aren’t willing to let go. I’ve made
my peace as I watch them try. As I watch the needle fall from my arm and onto
the floor. I’ve made my peace I think though it would seem that I haven’t. A by
stander to my own end and a shitty narrator to my new beginning.
If God is real he is nothing more than a trickster.
Proving a point that only the dead could understand. Even if everything feels
like a dream or a shitty nightmare played out in my head. Is this real? Is this
the high or something else? The two EMTs fight and fight to bring me back. I
wonder why I didn’t do the same. Why do they care so much when I didn’t? I want
to make them stop. Tell them thank you but I did this, and it is what I
deserve. We die, I died the end. What’s really left to say? A lifeless corpse
with shit in his veins. How else was this going to end? Is this the way I
wanted it? Sure why not? Had to happen at some point or another. Death waits
for no one or nothing. More so when you play with it like I have. This is what
I deserve and they don’t deserve to watch it all fold out. Embracing my new
beginning. Embracing what comes next it would appear that this was all only a
warning. A second look at what it is that I have done. Something draws me back
to my vessel. Tells me to lay back down. Not a thought or an idea the feeling
is beyond my understanding to explain. I do what it is I feel I must. Maybe if
I lie back down. Lay perfectly still the two parts will become whole once more?
Nothing to lose at this point. I try to recreate the position my shell is in on
the bed.
What comes next is nothing short of a rebirth. The feeling of waking up after a long slumber as I spring back to life. Gasping for air and for the first time in what feels like forever I feel it. I feel it all. The tears flow down my face as I look into their eyes. Euphoric at first and then nothing but pain. Startled and relieved I grab the collar of the EMT closest to me, “Thank you.” Thank you is all I have to say. Thank you for what however we will just have to wait and see.
So two months in… some of you may have noticed that the “horror writer”… isn’t writing a writing a whole lot of horror stories… in some ways I am… but if you had this thought then you are correct… I’ve been experimenting as much as I can lately… stretching this idea of horror beyond serial killers and ghost… in truth the likeliness of any of us running into a serial killer or ghost is extremely low… statistically possible but very unlikely… the idea that we might die at any moment… some government agency or entity is changing the course of history… a broken heart snapped in half by our own hands… or in this case drug overdose… seem a little more likely… (Side note… I don’t believe in ghosts… but I don’t have any proof that they don’t exist…)
Any way… I’m sure I will sneak a crazy psychopath in here eventually… or maybe I already have?…
The fog is thick against my calloused skin An armor I’m supposed to wear with pride Ashamed to admit it doesn’t make me Feel any better about this life Experiences are all we are made of Cold and calculated Broken hearted Smile the pain away one more time As this life ticks away Every second one more reason Every minute just how it is A burn victim with no symptoms The skin fits tight against my frame Slowly living myself away Invisible scars are all I have To keep me warm at night Against the fog, against the pain We are all here to suffer Think I’ve earned my place by now
The whole thing has left me rather exhausted…
Easier to pick the body apart as it rots As she As she feeds piece by piece Picking apart all the things I thought As she As she tears me apart Still have crimes to answer for Just because I don’t say them Doesn’t mean they don’t consume me A constant nightmare played out in my head Easier to swallow it whole before it rots As she As she constricts my soul Choking me with all my thoughts As she As she tears me apart
I have felt worse things…
Chasing a new kind of enemy A darkness that surrounds me Storm clouds rolling in The thunder shakes the ground Lightning trying to strike me down A hate that comes from within Chasing storms as they roll in A new kind of enemy Hailing down upon me Tornado approaches Standing my ground No more running from my creation Suffering through a new kind of destruction Waiting out the storm that is myself
Things aren’t quite the way they used to be. Things change fact
of life and death. Even if we can change those facts like I have. Things still
very much change. I no longer know who I am or what I have become. I’m not what
most people would consider normal. Well to be honest most would consider me to
be eccentric. They always have from every moment that I can remember. Strange
not normal. Broken and not equal. Different in every sense of the word. They
were right of course, but I guess chasing endless winter is not most people’s
idea of a good time. Not most people’s idea of where I should be or what I
should be doing. But I like the isolation, the cold, the loneliness of it all.
It helps me think and that is all they really want from me in the end. They
want me to think for them. To create for them. Being out here in the nothing
makes me feel more alive than a room full of people sucking up to my money.
Yes, I am rich. Richer than most nations to be exact. To be fair though that
isn’t saying much considering most nations didn’t go with technology. The
choice was too easy to follow me, to invest in my ideas. Man is flawed in that
way. Self-doubt, too easy can’t be the right way. Must resist and so they did.
Investing in war and death. I shouldn’t have to tell you how that turned out.
But history, stories they are summaries of things we already know.
Turns out bombs don’t feed people or build homes or take
care of you when you get old. No, bombs only have one purpose and they do that
function very well. But robots? My robots? They can do so much more than kill.
Most nations fallen to the way side, disappeared off the map of everything including
people’s minds. The advancements were swift, they were quick. I discovered a
loop hole that we had missed. Any easy option no one believed to exist. Greatly
enhanced soldiers that feel no pain, targeting systems that can target any and
everything you may desire, and a defense systems so advanced that it would make
nuclear war less of a fear and more of an annoyance. Whole nations wiping
themselves out before the missiles even left the ground. Only took a few of
these “brave and fearless leader” to wipe themselves out before all nuclear missiles
were deemed obsolete. In fact less bombs destroyed whole nations then had ever
been tested in the history of any nuclear program. I didn’t just make the world
better. I saved humanity and everything with it. These were only the beginnings
of my ideas. Yes, my pockets were lined with dirty dollars of anyone who was
willing to pay for protection. This is capitalism at its finest. This is
everything that we once believed in. Things they change even if we don’t think
that they can.
What is left of Christianity would blame faith in false idols and other dated terms for what was coming. Yes, I am that old. Faith can come to us at any moment, but it can not change in an instant. It is enduring like that unlike nations. The faithful fought the next wave of advancements. Pushed my patience beyond their limits. I grew bored with enhancing nations to the highest bidder. It was time to take my ideas to the people. Take it beyond the surface of what I knew and go deeper. Humans are a flawed design. Boasting about how we are the greatest at everything. Spreading lies beyond the fabric of what we know to be true, but I knew with my help. I could make all our lies, all our fables, all our faith in ourselves. I knew that I could make them true. My advancements in nano tech and hybrid parts brought the revolution to the people. Put everything in their hands to do with as they wished. So long as they paid. So long as they understood what it was they were getting into. They didn’t, but it didn’t matter. Humans adapt to ideas they don’t understand. It is a slow process, but they accept the way things are eventually or they die off. Evolution sits as a theory, but the problem is we understand it better than we think. We accept it as truth even as we question its very existence. Deep down we already knew. We have always known what is that we are, where we come from, and how it will all go. There may be no all-seeing god, but something moves us to follow blindly. I will give them that. No one, not even myself can be as arrogant to not believe in a purpose.
The fall was coming. Everything I had created was going to
turn. Human history is riddle with stories similar to mine. Roman Empire, the Chinese
Dynasties, early man, and the list could follow us all the way to today. Life
doesn’t stop under the wheel of change. It grows stronger. Picking up speed
until we no longer understand what it is that we have created. A bump in the
road, a great fall, but this one was different. This one was not like the rest.
Unlike the falls of the past, the missteps that lead to something else. This
one changed the game. Changed the world and the human race. We moved past
everything we thought we knew. We became something greater than ourselves. The
ones that were left that is. The advancements I made in human tech changed the
game. We became one with the robots. Equal to my creations. Working side by
side until we cleaned up everything. We needed something more though. We always
need something more. We looked to the skies once again. Except this time we
knew that we were ready to face any and all challenges. No longer a dream, but
the next step in our evolution. My evolution, my purpose in this world. For the
first time in human history people are too busy thinking. Thinking of ways to
make everything better rather than how to destroy. For the first time in human
history everyone is thinking like me.
That is why I live here alone like this. That is why among other things I do what I do. I feel this need to distance myself from them. I feel this over encumbering need to be as far away from them as I can. The wind howls outside of my cabin. A few more days left of darkness and the chase will begin again. The world advancing by the minute and my wealth grows. The owner of this world, my empire, lives in near darkness studying the sky for the lost planet no one’s even hear of yet. Trying to make sense of my purpose in this world.
This fucking story… This story didn’t start out like this at all… the original draft was trash… an idea that I didn’t know was there until I looked a lot deeper… So I worked on it… worked with it… typed up the whole thing on my phone… had it all amazing… had it to a point that I thought was good… then technology and my stupidity fucked me… While trying to transfer the file from my phone to my computer… using all the great advancements that Google bestowed onto us… I lost the whole thing…
Back to step one… and I was fucking pissed… I’m still pissed and it has been over a week… still pissed and I have rewritten the whole thing for a second time… but it is over and done?… I just read it… why are you so pissed?… Who cares?… you are right but it doesn’t matter… I’m pissed because the story was vastly different… and how it was different I don’t know… but I know… I write by the seat of my pants… I write until it is done… I purge the thoughts and move on… so if it isn’t written down… saved somewhere… I have no idea what it was that I even said…
So… all that work… all that effort… gone in a flash… and like this character all I think about is progression… not going back… But I had to go back… I had to finish this story… redo this story… because I needed this story for two other stories in this cycle… woke up today… and got it done… It isn’t that bad actually… still pretty pissed that I had to do it again… but for all I know… it might have all been for the best… destruction and loss… may have all been for the best… or maybe it wasn’t… “Faith can come to us at any moment, but it can not change in an instant”…
Nothing changes, never stays the same The present is a waste Looking to the future Stuck in the past Waiting for something new The next thing that wants to kill me A waiting game sitting on my hands Hold me down by the throat if you must Force feed me the pills to silence Won’t make any difference to me Because nothing changes, nothing ever stays the same
Because when you are gone I remember every word you said…
Reflecting on my insecurities Possessive, needy How is it that I make you feel Obsessive, controlling How does it make me feel Dismissive, hating How is it that I make you feel Submissive, defying How does it make me feel An asshole in sheep’s clothing Decisions that you’ve made Won’t go away so, the feelings stay
Become something I’m not…
Drowning out the thoughts with repetitive words Replacing dead memories with empty things Has worked so far Because if I don’t I fall apart Looking at the cracks across the pavement Trying to keep the tears in place, buried in my eyes Drowning out everything with one more drink Replacing dead thoughts with empty ideas Has worked so far Because if I don’t I fall apart Searching for something more among the living Pretending I’m not dead, buried in my eyes Drowning out every depressive thought Hasn’t worked so far Staring at the glass as I pour one more
It all shatters right there in front of me. Glass, steel, two moving objects going at what feels like a thousand miles an hour. Was it? Is that how it really was? Everything so slow a miss perception of time and place. Memories shifting in and out of place. Two thoughts as though they don’t exist. Two people caught in time. There was more than two? I wasn’t driving was I? No, I was standing. Standing still as if I wasn’t even there. I no longer was there was I? I disappeared somewhere in myself. Took myself right out of there. Right out of my own thoughts and feelings. But I remember the glass.
It bounced off my face but I didn’t feel its pain. The
screams all around me with no sound. Faces moving in panic, mouths open in
horror, mouths open without any sound. The smell of tires and burning engines
but I wasn’t even there. Where was I? Where was I standing motionless? The
corner of sixth and Wellington. The burning sensation? The coffee in my hand.
Two cream, less sugar. I need less sugar in my diet. Too much sugar in the
coffee. Tasted too sweet, my last thoughts before the flood. The last real thought
before everything took over.
People all around me. Fingers bloody, I reach out for those
in front of me. Was I crying? The ground hard against my side. Everything hard
to remember. Everything a blur of thoughts and emotions. Was I sad? I was very sad.
No one to go home to. Family out of town and I’m stuck here working. Lonely, am
I alone now? Everything is so dark. Can’t tell if I am seeing or dreaming. The
merger did it go through? Important business and I’m late, but I stopped for
coffee anyway. So tired, so lonely without them. They went on holiday to see
our extended family. Parents, grandparents, brothers, and sisters. Family I
find missing more now than ever.
Out of town. Where out of town? The roses, Fedele’s roses
always smelled the sweetest. The smell of innocence and purity on my hands as I
hold the flowers. Was this real? Am I there now? No, I don’t know. I see them
now the flowers, but all I can smell is engines. The smell of gasoline. I taste
it on my tongue. Bitter like dirty metal, hot. Were they hot? Where am I if I’m
not there? Screeching tires, metal collapsing, and my ears still ringing. My
ears still buzzing with that hum. Am I alive or am I dead?
Is death just nothingness or am I only in between? So many questions and no one to answer. So cold like saline going in. Washes over me, that time I was sick. Food poisoning, bad chicken, not enough fluids in me. Am I bleeding? Why can’t I breathe? Try to breathe. Gasping but it’s not working. Inhaling but nothing is happening. A rush of pain. Nerves on end. Nerves on fire. My eyes open, flood of light, emotions. “Just breathe,” the voice says. “Just breathe.” But I can’t.
I often thinking of dying… unsure if that is normal… might be… is for me… though unlike what I write about dying… is not how I think about dying… often when I think about dying… I don’t think about anything other than the nothingness of it all… the idea that I can do nothing… say nothing… only watch as everything around me moves on…
The thought tortures me… burdened by the idea that it just won’t shut off… that somehow after death everything keeps going… bothers me… I want the world to keep going… I’m not that selfish… I just don’t want to have to watch it happen without me… without all the things I want to do before I die… left unfinished… to watch my daughter grow up… start a family… live her life… and all I can do is watch… at the very same time… the flip of the coin… I don’t want to think about how I will never see any of that… that it will all just end… that was me… and lets move on…
Death above all things… is nothing that anyone can avoid… I just wish I could stop thinking about it… fearing it… but then again… I’d be out of a career if I did… no one ever said I wasn’t complicated…
