Not Sure Where You’d Thought We’d Go… Broken Thoughts…

Even running late
Still right on time
Sinking into the idea of it all
A long walk with nowhere to go
The places I have been
Irrelevant
The places I will go
Irrelevant
Taking it all becomes
Irrelevant
Knowing isn’t always knowing
Each thought a repetition
Of everything I have already done
Thinking about all of this
Has become so irrelevant
Living with all of this
Has become so irrelevant
To my existence

The times change but the people don’t…

Past along idea, still no one wants to hear
A liar, a vile existence, a useless idea
Correct, my beliefs have always been
Take your lies and walk your line
Do not step across into mine
What I believe is how it is
Repeated mantra of millions
Spreads over time into billions
Becomes the truth
Because new ideas hold no light
New ideas are not accepted in this life
Slowly spreading disease with no cure

“Too much thought in anything spells death and dissatisfaction…” Well fuck…

“I’m just eccentric.”
“You know eccentric is just another word for asshole?”
“Your face is an asshole.”
“You are drunk and pathetic.”
“We are all pathetic, the problem is that most of us don’t care to notice.”
“You can never be wrong can you?”
“Not sure if it is even possible, but everyone will test the limits all the same.”
“You are such…”
“An asshole. I am very aware. Thanks for stopping by to remind me.”
“I live here.”
“I think you think you live here, but really you just inhabit the space around you.”
“Your life is not a novel. You can’t just say lines to sound witty and move on.”
“Life is whatever you want it to be and for all you know this might find it’s way into one someday. Just need to figure out what the characters are trying to say.”

Broken Thoughts
Layne Ambrose

Not sure if I mentioned this… but if I did… know that I probably won’t stop for a few years… back in March I lost two months worth of work… the reason is pretty stupid… make sure your work is saving… even if it says that it is… because everyone thinks “saved”… means maybe… two copies of everything at all times… because maybe it saved… that is petty of me of course… the only reason it haunts my brain is because… well some of my best work was in there… was it though?… we will never know… so many thoughts that I got out of my head… so many ideas I moved on from because they were done… two months worth of work lost in the blink of an eye…

What I learned from all of this… besides save your work every fifth of a second across nineteen different devices… is that it doesn’t matter… there will always be new thoughts… new things to think about… and the purpose of all of this is to free the demons from my mind… so a thought that sent me into a tail spin… put me in a depression that lasted weeks… left me with the realization that… the lost words… the lost thoughts… had done what they already needed to do… so nothing in turn was last after all… almost had you there for a second didn’t I?… fuck Google Docs… save your fucking work… and then save it again… better yet… write them down with pen and paper… and staple them to your chest… fuck… fuck… fuck…

It’s fine… I’m not dwelling on it at all… I’m sure we have all gone through this at some point… I’m sure it will happen again… but in the mean time… get your shit together Google Docs… don’t tell me it has been saving for weeks and then just one random ass day be like it never saved… I’ve uploaded the fucking file every day for two months… but you have no record of me doing so… I bet you saved every word I have ever said out loud near my phone though… without my permission of course… which is why your assistant app opens up randomly without a single prompt to do so… tell you what just put it back… and we can both pretend we don’t know nothing about anything…

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Chewing On Glass Presents… Hold Me Back…

His body is still right before it slams into the hood of the minivan. The impact throws his body like a rag doll out of my view, and further into the busy street. I rush to be near him, but I have a feeling he is closer to me now than ever before. His body lays in a tangled mess of blood, lacerations, and broken bones. The man I once loved is no longer there and all that exist is his empty shell of a body.

A crowd starts to form around his body as I fall to my knees. I cry like I have never cried before. I cry as if my tears will bring him back to life and end this pain running through my body. I try to hold him, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’m so lost and confused, and there is so much blood. Someone calls 911, but it is too late for them to do anything. The blood takes the form of a trail leading to the nearest sewage drain. I don’t know what that means. Does any of this mean anything at all? I grab his body with all my love, “What does any of this mean?”

The paramedics arrive and ask me to let go of him, but I can’t bring myself to let go of his body. “Sir you need to let go of him. Sir he needs to go to the hospital,” one of them repeats over and over again. They force me to let go of him and I am covered in his blood. The cops hold me back as the paramedics load his body onto the ambulance, and drive him away. Leaving me behind in a world that doesn’t understand. A world that doesn’t care what we have been through.

Taking it back to where it began… nothing like an old story to bring you back to reality… I have always loved this tiny story… it came from a place of love then… and now… Love is a hard thing to come by… it takes work… to love and be loved… but it is something we are all looking for… I think that is what we need to remember when we think of people… we are all searching for the same thing… to love and be loved… Once you understand that… then you understand that there are no differences between us…

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Something Different… Once Again… Q & A…

It is once again time to play Tell It Like It Is… and for you to find out more about your favorite writer here at Chewing On Glass… it goes without saying… which means it has to be said… I also happen to be the best writer that Is That A Funeral? has on their roster… I said it… telling it like it is… enough with the lame intro… lets get into this already… (If this is your first time… basically I draw three to four random cards with questions on them and I answer them… why?… no one… including me… has the slightest clue…)

Question 1: How Do You Look When You Get Angry?

Not really sure how to answer this one… mostly because I can’t see myself… also… it would be beyond frightening… if for some reason… in my free time… I sat around staring into a mirror getting pissed off… I mean because I don’t…

I’ve been told that I look pissed off most of the time… by just about everyone that I know… which presents a whole set of problems when I actually get angry… because no one has a fucking clue… which pisses me off even more… and it is around this time the cops have me pinned to the ground… it is a whole thing… all I’m saying is that I don’t liked to be touched… or when I’m not angry… people like to tell me that I am… or are afraid of me… being afraid of me really isn’t a problem though…

Question 2: If You Had To Move And Could Take Only Three Things With You, What Would You Take?

This question would have been way harder a few years ago… I am assuming when they say move… they mean move from one place around the house to the other… in that case… I need my laptop… my writing folder… and a pen… but my head is not that far up my ass… so the three things I would need if I was moving…

Thing 1… My laptop with my writing folder and a pen strapped to it… (I could have said my writing bag… too late to change the answer now…)

Thing 2… My wife with our child strapped to her back and a change of clothes… (I could have said my family… but I suck at thinking on my feet… (Not really… I’m mostly lazy… and don’t want to press backspace…))

Thing 3… My blanket… because I have some weird unresolved issues from moving way too much as a child… and lets face it I am a little broken… (No side comment for this one… though I guess I could have made my wife carry that as well… not a big enough asshole for that… (then again… I do have my laptop in my hands as well… so maybe I should have her carry it?…))

Question 3: Share A Big Let-Down In Your Life.

Not actually a question game… but feel free to click on any previous post I have written… kindle and paperback editions of my let-downs are also available on Amazon… can’t give them all away for free…

Question 4: What Color Do You Think Of When You Think Of Happiness?

Easy ass day for me… Black… that is the color I think of for happiness… I mean it goes with everything… all my clothes are black… my wife only wears black… (my daughter likes blue… we aren’t really sure she is ours…) my pens are black… my laptop… my file folders… my switch… Umbreon is black… my dogs… if I had a cat… I’m sure most if not all of my soul… trying to think of all the things that make me happy… I should get some black candles… what would that even smell like?… I should make my own candles… and this is how my brain works… brought to you by Tell It Like It Is

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Damn My Foolish Eyes… Something Different…

All the Same

A corpse on life support
Wasted and on last resort
Feeding time is here to stay
Feed the soul, stay away
Man versus Machine
All the same
We gave away our souls
First time we were paid
Existence, existing time and place
Fearful means all the same
Explain to me what to say
My words always get in the way
How I feel
What you mean
Doesn’t mean anything in the scheme of things
When they are all the same
Lesson learned one glass at a time
Driven into the ground

Personification of a Dying Art

Tearing at the fabric of my very being
Only have something to say as I fall asleep
Convenient
If there was such a thing as sin
I think that I would live it
Only if it was clearly stated by design
Inflicted
Too many demons locked away in my skeleton
A puppet meant to say something
Strings too tight, cut me free
Convoluted
If there is such a thing as less complicated
I haven’t found it
If only it was clearly defined by existence
Incorporated
Licensed to fuck this up by design
Unqualified but what really are the qualifications
To set the world on fire
No one asked me to save them
So I heed the call and do all that I can
They wanted a martyr but all they got was me

Found some more old poetry that didn’t fit in to my recent collection… still working on everything… always trying to work on something… hope all is well…

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Everything Is Upside Down… Broken Thoughts…

Taking this out to sea
Oceans may lay between
The dead and the living
But we brush up against
Skeletons dressed in skin
Walking the plank
Everything lays below the surface
The life we want and the one we live
Ripple effect amongst the waves
Dwell on it all the same
Rotting flesh dripping off new skin
Shed who I am, who I was
Skin falling as the time goes on
Am I who I am or an evolution of the thought
Gave everything for a chance to know
Diving into the ocean floor below

Getting over these childish things… was never on the table…

Stripping back everything
Peeling the skin piece for piece
You’ll always get what you get
A look beyond the normal
A vision of what it means to live
Thoughts invisible to the eye
The blood pumps on through it all
Loneliness filling up the cracks of a broken heart
A point was made but now it is gone
It all sounded the same isolated and afraid
Room full of me and yous
Lost the train of thought
Stuck in between what I remember
What I forgot

Upset because you are wrong… or because I pointed it out?…

With broken feet and worn down shoes
Marching onto a death
Moving on with a sense of regret
Changing lanes, stuck in place
Bleed me dry and tell me what it means
Take everything from me and tell me what I deserve
Sheltered in place but paying attention all the same
With broken feet and defeated dreams
Marching on was all there was for me
Moving on from this sense of regret
That was forced into me by uncertain circumstances
Bleed me dry but know you will never get all of me
The evidence, the trail left behind us all

Broken Thoughts
Layne Ambrose

Hopefully by now everything is back to normal… but then again hopefully not… because as it turns out… as it all unfolds… normal wasn’t all that normal to begin with… I hope everything is better… learned a lesson that was hard to swallow… look back to the history… and improved… but even then… history tells me we didn’t learn a thing from any of this… only how to take a bad situation… and exploit it further… harder… faster… stronger… until it is all used up… unsure if we know of any other way…

For those of you who don’t know… I’m the optimistic one in my home… the one spewing positivity… hope… on any situation that comes our way… as we all drag the lake together… know that I am in the one in the back… convincing you everything is okay… so let that sink in for a moment… unlike most people I like to be wrong… I want to be wrong… because when I am good things come about… someone has to be… and what better person then me?… this life is a mind game… where too much thought… and not enough will be your… our down fall…

We forget the rules… because there are no rules… we write them… rewrite them… and time goes on… time… life… existence… is not bound by any sense of order… it is dripping in chaos… life… like the world… spins in circles… is kept in balance by the battle between order and chaos… each play an equal role… each has there place… we don’t need to live in chaos… and we can’t be dictated by order… complex… each one of us… each part of this… is more complex then we’d like to admit… there is no answer… because there are no answers…

Hopelessly we must find the order in chaos… and the chaos in the order… nothing was ever meant to be perfect… nothing ever will be… but balanced?… who decides that?… who determines what that means?… who in this world defines the balance?… we can play weak… we can pretend we don’t have a say… but we’ve known the answer for way too long… none of us are here purely by chance… as chaotic as life is… there is an order to why we are still here… a balance to our very existence… now is the time to decide… determine… define… what that means…

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