Happy Holiday From All of Us at Chewing On Glass

The holidays have become nothing close to what they are meant to be. An excuse to gauge another dollar, down another beer, and eat one more cholesterol dripping burger. Do we need these excuses every couple of weeks? Yes, we are that miserable in our complacent lives.

Violence used to take up most of our time. Now all we have time to do is celebrate the violence of the past. Violence seems so far away until someone says something we don’t like. How special is the motherfucker that sets you off? We are so eager to die, to feel anything, because we don’t have to any more.

The wind blows against my chest. Stroking my dick for pleasure is a sin, but putting a bullet in a strangers head on foreign land is okay under the circumstances something doesn’t seem right about this. God will forgive me as I do his bidding. He forgives all that we do. The sins are nothing more than rules. Sometimes they need to be broken, but only when serving a purpose. See how it works? Good because I don’t. Sipping a tall boy waiting for the revolution. Revelations that never seem to show up.  Patience is making it through this life.

Always Going To Wonder

“Do you ever thing about reincarnation?”

“In what sense?”

“Maybe we are the reincarnation of our ancestors. So we really are living our lives over and over like a messed up version of purgatory.”

“I’m not even sure how that would work. What if your family line ends?”

“Then your family line ends. Would explain our need to multiply. Each birth is another chance at life.”

“Then where do the extra people come from?”

“I don’t know. Okay lets say that if your family line ends then you join another family somewhere else and start over. That could be where the idea of soul mates comes from.”

“I think that the idea of soul mates is dumb enough on its own let alone to be part of your crazy theory.  Honestly it seems like you are pulling this whole thing out of your ass.”

“A theory by any other name,” a long pause. “Okay, but I’m just saying it could be part of it. It doesn’t have to be, but it could be. You could even through in the whole idea that you can’t take anything with you when you die. Eventually you very well might get it back.”

“So long as you are born in the same family. What if you die as a child? What happens then?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean.”

“I’ll admit it was strange that we tried for so long and it wasn’t until my grandmother passed that our daughter was born.”

“So you think that she contained the soul of your lost grandmother?”

“Well I don’t think this I’ve only just thought of this theory.”

“The question still remains what happens if you die as a child? Why isn’t she here anymore?”

“I don’t know.”

 

Plus One

“What do you mean you don’t understand?” She asks as if there is really some secret to her madness. “I just don’t get it. First you say I have to go, and now that I want to go you’re telling me I can’t go as if I have a real choice in the matter.” “Well I just don’t want you there okay?” “Why? Because it is some sort of girl thing?” “It’s my bachelorette party so yes it is a girl’s only type of thing.” “I’m going to be there for the marriage so is it really that big of a deal that I go to the party?”  “It’s a huge deal Steven. This party is for me not you.” “Well it’s kind of for me too,” I interrupt. “No it does not have anything to do with you. It is my party and I really don’t want you there.” “There’s no reason to get upset at me Stacy. It’s not my fault things worked out this way. It’s hard enough that you’re getting married and I’m still single.” “Well how do you think I feel about? Don’t you think that this whole situation is even more stressful to me? Regardless though you’re not coming and that is final.” “So what am I suppose to do? Sit outside? Where is this stupid party even at?” “My party’s not stupid and it’s going to be here at the house which means you are going to have to sit behind the curtain.” “Sounds like a blast. Is Stan at least going to be here?” “What part of it’s a girl thing are you not understanding?” She moans out of annoyance. “I’m so glad we don’t have to share a brain.” “Nope just a stomach and a lung,” I say with a slight sneer. “And for your information I was asking if Stan was going to be on the other side of the curtain with me.” “Okay well still no. Stan will be at his own party because that is what happens when two people get married. They each have their own party’s to celebrate one last day of freedom.” “I know that Stacy. Thanks for clearing that up for me.” “I’m glad and just so we are crystal clear Stan will not be at this party, the house next door, or anywhere near here. You will be behind the curtain, you will be quite, and you will not interfere with my party.” “That’s just great. Not only do I not get to go to the bachelor party, but I have to sit on the other side of a curtain, alone, while you have all the fun.” “Yep, that about sums up your plans for this evening,” she say while laying out the plates and cups for the party. “Do you think one of the ladies will come and sit with me?” I ask in a fake depressed sounding tone. “That’s a big N.O. They all think that you are weird so the chance of one of them leaving the party just to hang out with you is pretty slim.” “Wait they think that I am weird? How could they even think that I am weird? If I am weird than you’re weird too. We share the same body.” “Do we now?” She asks sarcastically. “They think you are weird because you are always staring at them.” “Well that is a very unfair opinion about me since you’re always telling me to be quiet whenever they are around and I’m a guy so of course I’m going to stare every time they want to show you the new under wear they purchased or in the girls locker room.” There’s a knock at the door, “I’ve had enough with this argument Steven. It is time to be quiet the guest are starting to arrive. Will you walk me to the door?” “Do I have a choice?” “Just stay silent and behave Steven, and I will take you to the comic book shop first thing in the morning.” “Fine, but please try to not drink that much. You know how sick I get afterwards.” “I’ll try to refrain from drinking too much. Now zip it or no comics,” she says before putting on her best fake smile and opening the door.

Thoughts

Feel as if I’ve adopted insomnia though it is more as if insomnia adopted me. Awake or asleep doesn’t matter my mind is running. A constant over saturation of ideas that are very much independent of one another. One after the other over and over with no resolve. Who have I become and what must I do to get rid of all these wasted thoughts?

Are these things really important to me anymore? Judge each other on the idea that we know anyone. Peace in the idea that we can understand something we have no idea about. Ignorance is tolerated because we are all ignorant. There is no solution to any of this. Constantly asking ourselves, myself what is it that I know to be true? We evolve in time within our minds. Not the same person I was before I died yet I feel the same as I ever have.

Chasing a shadow in the dark. Searching for whatever it is that I have become. Monster or man what is the difference this far along? At this point in time they have become one. Not sure I’m okay, but I’ll survive. Not sure I even have or had a choice. They say we do, but they also say there is a God that makes every decision for us. Conflicting conflictions right there if you ask me. The world is evolve or die. God or man the laws are the same. Simple and complex all at the same time.

Something Different

Before I’d Known
Suffering to suffer
Choking to drown
Breaking up the thoughts
A list of shit
Counting all the reasons to die
A method of self destruction
Repent for sins uncommitted
Struggling to struggle
Drowning to choke
Shattering the thoughts
A broken mind of shit
Listing out the reasons to live
A method of self deprecation
Forgiving sins uncommitted
Self reliance is masturbation
Playing God is fire
The devil had me before I’d known

 

Nightly Occurrence
My daughter hasn’t slept in years
A contiguous disease that we all fear
Nightly terror that doesn’t leave the mind
No matter how hard she tries she can’t hide
Demons in the dark, figures within the light
Flashes of evil coming for her life
Nightly occurrence with little words
“We are here for your soul my dear.”
A recurring chant faded into whispers
Silence only a child could hear

 

Don’t Say Anything Else
We break ourselves for no reason at all
Life a waiting game of death
Those on top will always be
Built in slavery system
Laughing though there is no air to carry the screams
Sixteen seconds and it’s already all wrecked
Smile for the cameras it will all be over soon
Breeding hatred with every breath
What the fuck did you expect
Your loving arms covered in poisoned thorns
How I missed the days when none of this mattered
How I miss the hope of living at all
Punched ticket to a solo grave
Soulmates or a slow wait

Knocking Another One Back

I read a lot. It helps recharge my writing battery? That and sucking dick. Nothing like a nice long cock going into your mouth every now and then to put some perspective in your life. Ground you back into the real world. I read a lot of comic books mostly because I like them, but also because most of the writing is in the art. I have a really hard time stealing the style of a book if it is in art form. As a writer it can be challenging because it is natural to pick up on the traits of the writer you are reading heavily. So when I am in writing mode, which seems to be always right now, I don’t read any actual books. I read comics. Problem is I am currently following way too many comics right now.

Lets count them out. I am currently reading in some form or another Black Monday Murders (Great Fucking Book), Motor Crush, Kill or Be Killed (GFB), Saga (GFB), Wicked + Divine, Deadman Dark Mansion of Forbidden Love, The Fade Out, Deadly Class, Monster Musume, Prison School, Deadpool vs Punisher, Daredevil, Bullseye, Kingpin, Punisher, Invincible, Wayward, C.O.W.L., Criminal, Redneck, Black Cloud, Horizon, The Few(GFB), Eclipse, Moon Knight, Venom, Plastic, Clean Room, Unholy, Grave Lilies, The Unbelievable Gwenpool, Spider Gwen (Side note. I’m really, like really into all this Gwen Stacy stuff and I have no reason why. I can’t recommend you read it but I know that I am not stopping anytime soon. If anything they need a whole Gwen line of comics or something. Back to the list.), El Diablo, Pretty Deadly, Love in Hell: Death Life, Rumble, Hack/Slash, Beauty, Trees, Paper Girls, and those are the ones I like.

Not going to shit on the ones I don’t like or at least not today Batman. What the fuck though with the Rebirth? Tell me DC should I trust you not to stick a rusted out pipe up my ass again like you did with the New 52? Because I don’t. With that said Red Hood for life. Oh and because I hate myself I started reading a book despite what I said about not reading a book.

My Return

In some ways it feels as if a part of me is missing and in other ways I feel exactly the same. I hate being apart from her for whatever the reason. The long nights traveling for my job is when I feel it the most. Being on the road is like going through hell and then some. The restless nights lying in a bed of someone else’s filth. They say the beds are clean or at least the card on the pillow states, but are they ever really clean? How does one actually clean up the semen and the sweat that soaks up into the mattress? Sure your nicer establishments have some sort of protection. A mattress condom if you will but the cheaper places? The places I have to stay because my boss cares more about the bottom line than the comfort of the poor bastard who makes that line exist, those places are brimming with semen, sweat, and who knows what else.

I find myself sleeping on the floor most nights on the road. Not that the floors in these skank motels are any cleaner, but I’m less likely to sleep in somebody’s fluids. As I lie on this particular floor on makeshift bed of motel linens I wonder what she is thinking about in our nice comfortable bed. I wonder if she thinks of me or quite simply nothing at all. Another conference in the morning. Another meet and greet with unknown clients. Does well for business though I can’t say the same for my soul. I could say it would be good for me if I was the boss. If I reaped anything from any of this outside of a check. I wonder if I leave tomorrow night or the following morning. Something I should check, but I’m too lazy to get up off the floor. Either way it is just one more shitty flight to an even shitter place. When you are young you want to travel, to see the world, but as you get older and then a little bit more that sense of adventure seems to slip right out of your mind. Now all I want is a chance to make up for all those lost years of traveling, of being apart. Those long night without me by her side. It pains me to think about it. It pains me every time that I see her she has changed a little bit more.

The longer I am gone the farther we grow apart. I miss her and I miss her more whenever we are together. Where did those years go? Did I not live them? Or have I been living in this traveling coma for so long that I simply don’t remember. One thing I do know is that she is still waiting for me. Back home she waits for my arrival and I’m sure my departure. To her I’m sure I am seen as never going or never there. To her I’m sure that when this trip is over it will all be too late. That is what she said I’m sure or at least of what I remember her saying. She doesn’t say much anymore. Lays in silence mostly. Silently waiting for my return.