Something Different

A Constant Ending with an Evolving Beginning

We sleep in a blanket made of darkness
A power will rise that will seem unstoppable
All things eventually fail
The idea was dead before we were ever born
Our history made of lies is catching up
The beliefs we believe have always been false
Told what to do and how to think
An iron curtain so thick no light could ever get through
Guns, God, and government the three G’s
Suffocating us into sleep
The problem isn’t the distraction but each and every one of us
A culture based on greed can’t breed good things
We profit from death yet are afraid to die
The catch 22 is in our advancement
Only problems never solutions
The great nation hasn’t won a war since world war two
Who is to blame when all these generations know nothing better
Peace is paved in bodies
Under God there can be no peace if everyone is wrong
Religion, money, and freedom has become the new evils
Redressed to seem as though this is untrue
There is no God in pain
There is no money in happiness
There is no freedom in death
Only another cause to keep fighting for
America will die and a new evil shall rise
This is how it always works, this is how it is

Into Reality

Lies, lies we tell ourselves to get by
Everyone is standing in their windows
Hoping to get noticed, but everyone is too busy
Ignoring the people in their shitty lives
A generation raised on hiding, despising
Falsified documents made to look like lives
Every ones opinion locked away in a data bank
What did you do today?
Nothing the same as always
Who wants to hear the truth, infliction
What you mean, the words get twisted
Infections, choose properly or be torn down
Shit upon, dragged around and forgotten
This is the world in which we live our lives

Retouching On Bad Memories

People get way too hyped up over these fucking holidays. They are made up, by us no less, they do not matter, so take the dildo up your ass and pull it down a notch. Working in a grocery store is insanity on high. There is a holiday every fucking month and yet still every one of the top people loses their minds. They act as if this is the big one. This one day out of the whole year will pay for every other day forever. They act as if no one will ever eat again after today.

Maybe if the world ends than yes people will have to stop eating. Unless of course the economy completely collapses then we will be the first place taken over by raiders, so they still will be coming here because people need to eat. This fucking months holiday, because again we have at least one every god damn month, is back to school.

Yes back to school is a major holiday at the grocery store I work at. Everyone is acting as though we are storming the beaches of Normandy. The big ones coming, this is it people, back to school, back to school, back to school. This is madness. With the kids in school people need less food in the house. Most of them will buy lunches or receive them at school depending on the area. Yes people will be back from going on vacation, but this place hasn’t been a ghost town for the last two months. So what are the sales up by a percent starting now? We really need to lose our shit over a percent?

Again they act as if after this weekend no one is coming back to this store to buy food. It wouldn’t be so bad if it was a few holidays out of the year that they are like this, but it is every holiday. Maybe because I don’t get bonuses from all the bull shit that I don’t care as much? I do however get the lovely joy of doing all the work and dealing with all their bull shit, and yet I’m calm because it is just another fucking day. Thanksgiving wasn’t created to sell more shit it just happens to be like that. Jesus wasn’t born on the 25th so we could sell more shit. If he was even born on that day at all. As far as sales go grocery is a cake walk, but these people have their heads so far up their ass that they have to worry about nothing. In the history of America when was the last time we were like nah I’m good on eating today?

Never, and here in Texas we have enough fat fucks to make a company earn twenty billion dollars plus a year. We aren’t even in every city in Texas. We are expanding all the time. The idea that we have to worry about one single weekend is insane. I get that we should always be a little concerned no one might come in, but as long as we don’t raise the prices to obscene levels and maintain our quality we should be more than fine. Having one weekend a month define who we are as a company is stupid. We need to keep the same level at all times. For fuck sakes people have to eat.

 

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Back in the U.S.S.R.

If I bashed my head into a wall every time someone tried to screw me over at work I would have been dead a long time ago. After yesterday I really don’t want to be here, but at least I have tomorrow off. Not that being at home is any better than being here. At least I am alone at home and can deal with my own personal demons by myself. My car wouldn’t start this morning so I had to get a ride from my mom, and she will be picking me up again when I get off. I hate getting rides from my mom. It makes me feel like a child plus it now means I have to stand outside in the freezing cold to smoke. It has to be at least twenty degrees out tonight, but it is probably not that cold. The sun didn’t come out today and it’s been at least two days since I have seen the sun. The clouds are a murky shade of gray and they remind me of a famous painting. I can’t think of the painting or what it is called, but the sky looks as if it is sick and its gloomy colors spread across the town. I haven’t done much today at work, mostly because when it looks like this no one wants to come out of their houses. I’m sure it will snow again today if it is really as cold as it feels, and add another inch or two to the piles of snow that still remain. The snow has been slowly melting for weeks creating a slush of dirt and disgust. Discarded and hidden trash has started to emerge all around the sides of the streets and in everyone’s yards. It won’t be long until all the snow is gone and the town will look like a war torn garbage dump for a few weeks. When the snow melts and the truth comes out is when Jamestown shows its true colors. There is no more hiding behind walls of snow, no more buried lies as the run down houses become more visible and the yards their usual over grown selves. I still have ten more minutes on my break, but it’s too cold to stand out here and do nothing.

An hour after I get back from break the boy only known as Bobby came into the store to meet me. I have to admit I was very confused by this as we were supposed to meet in a few days, and as he is talking to me all I can think about is if this is the day or what day is it really. One of my co-workers also happens to be up front when he stops in. Her name is Ashley and she has been trying to get me to come out with her and her friends for months. So of course when he brings up the fact that we are going out to do something later on this week she wants to join us. At first I try to talk her out of it because I really don’t want her to come, but then I figure at least I will know someone in what is gearing up to be a very awkward evening. Bobby leaves and for the last hour of my shift all she talks about is how excited she is about us all hanging out while I pretend to be just as excited about something I really don’t want to do. She wants to go here and she wants to go there. She managed to get Bobby’s number and she hands me hers. She thinks we should meet up here at work and then go from there. The rest of the details are vague as I stop listening to her and nod my head as if I care. She keeps smiling at me and it feels strange. I’ve known her long enough to know she is a friendly person and acts this way towards everyone. Though today it feels different. The hour passes and I tell her I will see her later this week. Her excitement is already killing me I think as I clock out and go outside. My mom is already waiting for me which is pretty awesome because it has to be colder out here than it was last time. Still no snow, the clouds were a lie. My mom asks how my day was and is overjoyed that Ashley will be joining us. “She is that really cute girl up front right?” she asks. I answer with a sure and I guess, but I quickly stop talking. I just want to get home and wait out my days. Of course last week I try to get out of this so I told my mom I was available on Thursday but I actually work so we are hanging out afterwards because no one wanted to cancel.

 

 

There is an Emptiness Within My Soul

It keeps beat

Hot and cold

Wouldn’t call it a heart

I’d call it a hole

The Date Rapist

“You can’t sit there,” a voice out of nowhere exclaims. “Why the fuck not?” I ask into the darkness. “There is a rapist on the loose. Well a date rapist or something like that. He might even be you. I don’t know,” the voice without a face says. “Why is it always a man? How come it is never some big breasted, sexy woman who is out to get everyone using nothing but her vagina to seek revenge? Always a man and his oh so powerful dick coming to wreak havoc on the world,” I huff. I still haven’t managed to look for the source of the voice. It has to belong to a woman. “Are you serious right now?” She asks. I don’t bother responding. “Women can’t rape men. Everyone knows that. How the hell would that even work anyways? Rape is an act of anger and hate forced onto an individual that isn’t willing to participate sexually,” she informs me. “What are you a fucking dictionary?” I ask. “Know what it doesn’t matter because you are wrong. A woman can rape a man in more ways than one. Just because their dick is hard doesn’t mean that they want to have sex. That is the same as saying because a woman was all wet it means she wanted it. She wanted it so badly. We are programmed to fuck in a subconscious level even if we don’t want to,” I interject.  “You are raping my ears right now with your dirty talk,” the voice says. “Then you have the whole other level of raping that doesn’t even involve dicks. I mean anything can be inserted into an anus from a finger to an action figure. So really to say a woman can’t rape a man is wrong. She can if she really wanted to. Granted she would have to overpower the man, but the same drugs men use to accomplish their goal are also available to women. Let’s face it though most men are little bitches now a days anyways so, really a woman might not even need drugs in the first place,” proudly proving my point. “What the hell is wrong with you?” She asks in disgust. “Hey you brought up the topic of rapist and some ignorant shit about how women couldn’t possibly be one,” I answer. “Oh so now I am ignorant because I don’t believe a woman can rape a man. That sounds real intelligent. You are so smart I wish I could be as smart and stupid as you. I was just trying to be safe and now I’m the bad guy,” She had more to say but gets interrupted. “Excuse me do we have a problem here?” A male voice asks from out of no where. “Oh fuck,” we both exclaim in unison. I reach for my pepper spray. Spraying the little can in no general direction towards the male voice. She apparently had the same idea as me. We don’t stop spraying until our cans are empty. The pepper spray mist cloud clears and we stand there watching as the man lies on the ground kicking and screaming. The strong stench of urine coming up from where he lays. There is a dark outline growing around the crotch of his uniform that becomes visible even in the shallow light of the street lamp. “I’m a fucking cop,” he screams rubbing his eyes. “What do we do?,” I shout before dropping the can of pepper spray. “Let’s get the fuck out of here,” a big breasted and sexy woman suggests. To scarred to do anything else we run into the darkness to afraid to look back.

Walking In On Broken Thoughts

Puking into the bucket that is an anagram for thoughts once thought. It becomes too much of a hassle to explain everything when no one is listening. A plastic veil hidden behind us all. A wall built up tall. Thinking has only gotten no one anywhere. A thought, a moment in time, a feeling left behind. Broken sentences lead to broken thoughts. We are told that grammar is important, necessary even narcissistic. When you’ve been able to keep up so far then we may be one and the same. Such a sad day. The pain of the dragging razor makes all of this seem okay. When none of it could ever really be that way. The repeated anal penetration was fun for a minute, but now there is too much tearing and it’s starting to hurt.

Life still has many more tricks left up its sleeve, but I have to admit I don’t have any more compassion for this shit. An endless loop of all the things that I will have to do later today. Maybe it is time to switch to my knees. Begging for mercy while taking it from both ends. They say God cares, answers prayers, but how could anyone ever know until the end?

A suicidal mission with little sense of fulfillment. A cautionary tale to not believe all the bull shit presented to you. The words become filled with lies the more you read them. The more you worship them. The more you know I was right, but you’ll never see that, that wasn’t the point all along. Fuck God and fuck you for making me say it. Condemned myself so you’d understand. Condemned myself to have an excuse for all of this.

Something Different

I Will Find You

I can feel everything come pouring out
A long suicide letter to myself
Stretched out, I’m destroyed
Broken shell leaking out all that is left
If only I had known
If only I was told
Could I have changed my ways
Would I have not succumbed to my fate
I can feel all that there ever was
A long memory of everything
Each thought stabbing to get out
I lost it all
Lost everything I didn’t know
I could lose
My soul is so tormented
By the thought
Digging my own grave
How deep will I dig
How sad must I keep myself
When is it that this all began
At birth
At death
Somewhere in between
The thought haunts me
The thought consumes everything
A long suicide letter to myself
In the end everything left inside
If I could, would I change at all
I thought I knew what I
I thought I understood
What I wanted all along
Gave into the pressure
Drowned by the wave
Ride it all out into the
Into the undertow
Ride it all out into
My grave

Long Before

The blood it drips as it falls
The life fails as it goes on
The end is near
Though it has been all along
The difference between life and death
Is a heartbeat
The soul fades as it goes
The death grows as it goes
The end is near
Though it has been all along
The difference between life and death
Is a heartbeat
The difference between life and death
Is a heartbeat
A heartbeat that no longer seems to feel
Destroy the will and what became left
Soulless but who really knows before it is too late
The difference between life and death
Is nothing more than a heartbeat
The difference between me and you
Is nothing more than a heartbeat
The loneliness, the sadness, the happiness
Is nothing more than a heartbeat away
The heartbeats from within my chest
The life flows from out my wrist
The end is near but it was there long before

Mountain of Questions

The white picket fences have been torn down
From the post to the ground
It all lays flat all around
The existence of dreams proves
There is something more to you and me
The clothes have all but came off
From our heads to our toes
They lay flat on the floor
The fact that we aren’t disgusted yet proves
There is something more to you and me
The marriage is all but gone
Divorce tore everything
Right the fuck out the ground
The anger between us proves
There is so much more to you and me

They say fire lead to life
Then what did love bring to the picture
Some could guess but the true answer is death
We pretend it’s funny because it is
You know it’s sad
But it’s true
If you hold your breath than maybe
That dizzy, sickness feeling won’t go away
Walk it off the pain subsides after
A while if you know anything about bottles
You’ll know they don’t leave any answers
Only a mountain of questions

I Awake with Bruised Eyes and Hollowed Out Lies

I look at the world, seven minutes cold, flashes of life, and passed out drunk. I awake with burning, stinging, sleepless eyes. I awake with a sense of belonging and at the same time a longing. Awaken but yet I must still be dreaming. Dreaming for something better or something worse. I awake with my dick still standing. Standing at full attention looking for any attention. Ready to release one more load or another gallon of piss. The decision is not on the brain, but in a gateway smaller than I can imagine. Made of flesh and blood as is the rest of me. This is every morning. This s a constant. These are the things I think about and I do not know why.

The bad taste that has slipped into my mouth overnight doesn’t go away even after I try to brush it out or smoke in a replacement taste. My teeth hurt like they have been grinding away layer by layer all night. It’s the little stresses that kill you not the big stuff. It is the little stuff that slowly eats you alive. Taking this and taking that but in the end they take everything anyways. If you are one of the lucky ones you won’t even notice the discomfort. I notice every little instants and yet I let it happen. Hell I join in on the pleasure every now and then. Daily. I smoke another with the taste still very much intact. I didn’t need another one, but at this point what is one more? One more nail, one more stake in the heart. Tiny needles pressing against my chest cavity heading for my soul. It wasn’t the taste or even my dick that woke me up today earlier than death. No it was a dream, a light version of a nightmare that is my life.

My dream, nightmare, inner vision was about my grandmother. A devil of a woman whom without I wouldn’t be standing here today. Allegedly there is no scientific facts to back up these claims. I hate my grandmother she was a bitch. Therapy could help me describe my true inner feelings better, but she’d still be a bitch. In the dream she pretends to be a sleep as my grandfather rattles off a list of shit she wants for dinner. He was exact instructions on what she wants and how she wants it to be. Treated like a slave in life and in my dreams I feel bad for my grandfather. It was no wonder he went a little crazy. It was no wonder they found him in possession of a trunk full of dead cats and a collection of women underwear. Luckily it didn’t go any further than that or you might have heard of him. He lives in a cozy little place far removed from society now. Better put he is basically dead.

“This but not that. Make sure you get it right or else,” he says in my mind and my dream. Or what the fat bitch is going to get her lazy ass out of bed and kick our asses? She hasn’t left that bed by choice in maybe a year. Conversations with myself always seem one-sided. I can see her while she fakes being asleep. Patiently listening to make sure he plays his part as always. He says one more thing before I awoke, “We know all about your past experience with food, but we also know you always crew up.” What do you think that the dream meant? I hope it means that she is or will be dying, but she is already dead. Not a loss or a gain just more of the nothing that fills this world. Shouldn’t waste my time on people who don’t matter, didn’t matter, or don’t care. The brain doesn’t work like that though.

They still find their way through though don’t they? Slip through the cracks no one knew were even there. Tear the wall down and leave you with nothing but rubble. Drinking could be the reason, life could be the other, and living without a purpose could be the answer I’m looking for. How am I to live with so many distractions? A gun fight erupts outside, a flood down the street drowns hundreds, and yet I sit staring at a screen looking for answers. Her little eyes scream for attention and the sound to follow. The present is only for a moment but the past is a life time.