Something Different

Got There Early
Fuck if I care where this goes
Life dragging me down in either direction
Heaven is full of assholes
What’s that say about hell?
In the long run nobody knows
Dancing with the devil in a long black dress
It’s so easy to say I’m depressed
Condensed to an absent thought
Want to go back to where this all begin
No looking back from here until death
Mind over matter but there’s nothing left
Hearing voices inside my head
Crying out for help but they’re already dead
Slowly getting back at me from the inside
Digging my own grave with every breath

Under Age Sale Prohibited
We can’t change our pasts no matter how hard we try
They say true love is dead and we all know the reasons why
Honesty is the best weapon when telling a lie
Truth cuts deeper than any knife
Breaking apart was so much easier before
The separation is too hard to endure
So unsure about what I mean
Too confused about how I feel
Infused with all the bull shit of me  and you

Hope You Know It
At this rate I’ve gone past insane
My brain wants to escape this cage
Doesn’t matter it will always be the same
Drinking numbs the pain but for how long
Drugs don’t do shit as everyone knows
This whole thing has been dragging on me
For a while, a time before this all
What I want is not what I need
What I need I could never want
Caught between the waves
Craving for something more than nothing at all
Giving up the ghosts was never as easy as it seemed
Haunting sense of what could be

“It Doesn’t Makes Sense.”

Our whole lives are one big advertisement. Walking billboards of bull shit. We sell ourselves only to purchase free advertisement for the next asshole.  Not ashamed but I am obviously. I can’t make my own clothes so there’s your answer without a question. A non reversible trend that just makes sense. Who knew child labor could be so useful? Every fuck but you apparently.

Feeling violent today. No idea what that really means as a pacifist. With the right set of circumstances I could bash a skull in. Feel the crushing of teeth under my boot. Impossible I know, but a great visual none the less. Brewing on a horror story as of late. Not sure if it will be a better visual story or a literal master piece. Extremely hard to write a ghost story in first person narrative without sounding repetitive and I suck at conventional writing. I can’t wrap my head around the structure without sounding like an asshole about it. Sucks being a one trick pony, but if one person could do it all than why have anyone at all?

As in introvert and an asshole I’m not sure how to answer that. Paradise is not talking to anyone ever again, so there goes that. My eyes hurt from rubbing them. I guess you could call them raw. No sleep will do that. The high life is killing me. Searching for a place in this world seems to be a constant theme in the arc that is my life. I question myself every day when I show up to my shitty job, drink my shitty energy drink, and write down my pointless thoughts.

Often I think I am destined for more, but usually on a day like today I think that this is it. I was born, raised, suffered, and lived to do this. Sometimes it makes me sad and other times I think, Could be worse. But could it? What is worse than doing nothing at all? A purpose is a reason and without one. What the hell am I doing? My own self-doubt digs my own grave. I have a problem of fighting for the things I don’t want and watching the things I do pass me by.

Own worst enemy cliché bullshit going on. A constant war within myself, fueling the self-doubt that I will be anything more than this. Nothing at all. What if what I truly want is based less on luck then I think? Doubt it but then again who am I? A constant reassurance has reassured me that I am right. I want more but I’m too afraid. Not sure of what exactly. Not sure if I’m being human or being me. Sitting on the side lines of my shitty life is getting old. I am getting old. Life is not what I thought it was. What I was told it would be. Life is what you make it, but what if you don’t know how to make it?

And Other Things From This Time Preview

Emotionally Stressed

I’m so sick of these feelings
This need to please everyone
When I know damn well it’s not good enough
Putting myself out on a daily basis
Backing my ass up and begging for the pain
Gambling on not winning at all
Why can’t everyone see that it’s all useless like me
Maybe they do or maybe they’re just too stupid to let go
Oh I forgot how immature I can seem
A constant reminder from the ones that have never even spoke to me
Cuts on my fingers make me as dumb as them
Must be in the water we drink and not in the way we think
Bleeding for a chance to say go fuck yourself
There’s nothing here except heart ache
And yet here I stay torturing my soul
A shitty romance of blood and bone
I am the source of all my pain
Directly fucking myself day after day
If giving up was so easy then why hasn’t it worked already
I blame my mother for reasons I don’t know…

Faithless

I have no faith in anyone who doesn’t have faith in me
Revolutionary I know, I had a dream once
Then woke up to reality
Subconscious thinking doesn’t mean anything
The world works on some other sort of level
Inherently fucked and grateful for the chance
It would be best if there is no God
How anyone could follow someone who abandoned them
Is beyond me, had a vision now I’m on another level
Invested in broken thoughts everything makes sense
Crossandra’s look great on your porch
Even better on your grave, a location we can’t avoid
Our ignorance rules our lives
So sick of justifying thoughts that should be common sense
The worlds not listening so maybe I should shut the fuck up
Where’s the fun in that
A constant stream of thought that means nothing at all

Bad Ideas

Sick in the head a thought of thoughtlessness
Broken English and broken bones
What does it mean to never belong
Shatter proof glass with a crack
Coming undone when there was never a whole
The beginning is the end that was the beginning to begin with
Hate everything about this world
Love most of all is a wasted emotion
Reciprocation is a one way thought
Springing up all over the place
A virus without a host
Goes on living for reasons unknown
There’s no end to the pain held within
The idea that any of this ever meant anything
Theory lost on the weak
Push ahead to live the dream
Trade everything for a moment of understanding (sleep)
Questions left unanswered left in the past
As they need to be
Forging ahead on bad ideas

Happy Holiday From All of Us at Chewing On Glass

The holidays have become nothing close to what they are meant to be. An excuse to gauge another dollar, down another beer, and eat one more cholesterol dripping burger. Do we need these excuses every couple of weeks? Yes, we are that miserable in our complacent lives.

Violence used to take up most of our time. Now all we have time to do is celebrate the violence of the past. Violence seems so far away until someone says something we don’t like. How special is the motherfucker that sets you off? We are so eager to die, to feel anything, because we don’t have to any more.

The wind blows against my chest. Stroking my dick for pleasure is a sin, but putting a bullet in a strangers head on foreign land is okay under the circumstances something doesn’t seem right about this. God will forgive me as I do his bidding. He forgives all that we do. The sins are nothing more than rules. Sometimes they need to be broken, but only when serving a purpose. See how it works? Good because I don’t. Sipping a tall boy waiting for the revolution. Revelations that never seem to show up.  Patience is making it through this life.

Always Going To Wonder

“Do you ever thing about reincarnation?”

“In what sense?”

“Maybe we are the reincarnation of our ancestors. So we really are living our lives over and over like a messed up version of purgatory.”

“I’m not even sure how that would work. What if your family line ends?”

“Then your family line ends. Would explain our need to multiply. Each birth is another chance at life.”

“Then where do the extra people come from?”

“I don’t know. Okay lets say that if your family line ends then you join another family somewhere else and start over. That could be where the idea of soul mates comes from.”

“I think that the idea of soul mates is dumb enough on its own let alone to be part of your crazy theory.  Honestly it seems like you are pulling this whole thing out of your ass.”

“A theory by any other name,” a long pause. “Okay, but I’m just saying it could be part of it. It doesn’t have to be, but it could be. You could even through in the whole idea that you can’t take anything with you when you die. Eventually you very well might get it back.”

“So long as you are born in the same family. What if you die as a child? What happens then?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean.”

“I’ll admit it was strange that we tried for so long and it wasn’t until my grandmother passed that our daughter was born.”

“So you think that she contained the soul of your lost grandmother?”

“Well I don’t think this I’ve only just thought of this theory.”

“The question still remains what happens if you die as a child? Why isn’t she here anymore?”

“I don’t know.”

 

Plus One

“What do you mean you don’t understand?” She asks as if there is really some secret to her madness. “I just don’t get it. First you say I have to go, and now that I want to go you’re telling me I can’t go as if I have a real choice in the matter.” “Well I just don’t want you there okay?” “Why? Because it is some sort of girl thing?” “It’s my bachelorette party so yes it is a girl’s only type of thing.” “I’m going to be there for the marriage so is it really that big of a deal that I go to the party?”  “It’s a huge deal Steven. This party is for me not you.” “Well it’s kind of for me too,” I interrupt. “No it does not have anything to do with you. It is my party and I really don’t want you there.” “There’s no reason to get upset at me Stacy. It’s not my fault things worked out this way. It’s hard enough that you’re getting married and I’m still single.” “Well how do you think I feel about? Don’t you think that this whole situation is even more stressful to me? Regardless though you’re not coming and that is final.” “So what am I suppose to do? Sit outside? Where is this stupid party even at?” “My party’s not stupid and it’s going to be here at the house which means you are going to have to sit behind the curtain.” “Sounds like a blast. Is Stan at least going to be here?” “What part of it’s a girl thing are you not understanding?” She moans out of annoyance. “I’m so glad we don’t have to share a brain.” “Nope just a stomach and a lung,” I say with a slight sneer. “And for your information I was asking if Stan was going to be on the other side of the curtain with me.” “Okay well still no. Stan will be at his own party because that is what happens when two people get married. They each have their own party’s to celebrate one last day of freedom.” “I know that Stacy. Thanks for clearing that up for me.” “I’m glad and just so we are crystal clear Stan will not be at this party, the house next door, or anywhere near here. You will be behind the curtain, you will be quite, and you will not interfere with my party.” “That’s just great. Not only do I not get to go to the bachelor party, but I have to sit on the other side of a curtain, alone, while you have all the fun.” “Yep, that about sums up your plans for this evening,” she say while laying out the plates and cups for the party. “Do you think one of the ladies will come and sit with me?” I ask in a fake depressed sounding tone. “That’s a big N.O. They all think that you are weird so the chance of one of them leaving the party just to hang out with you is pretty slim.” “Wait they think that I am weird? How could they even think that I am weird? If I am weird than you’re weird too. We share the same body.” “Do we now?” She asks sarcastically. “They think you are weird because you are always staring at them.” “Well that is a very unfair opinion about me since you’re always telling me to be quiet whenever they are around and I’m a guy so of course I’m going to stare every time they want to show you the new under wear they purchased or in the girls locker room.” There’s a knock at the door, “I’ve had enough with this argument Steven. It is time to be quiet the guest are starting to arrive. Will you walk me to the door?” “Do I have a choice?” “Just stay silent and behave Steven, and I will take you to the comic book shop first thing in the morning.” “Fine, but please try to not drink that much. You know how sick I get afterwards.” “I’ll try to refrain from drinking too much. Now zip it or no comics,” she says before putting on her best fake smile and opening the door.

Thoughts

Feel as if I’ve adopted insomnia though it is more as if insomnia adopted me. Awake or asleep doesn’t matter my mind is running. A constant over saturation of ideas that are very much independent of one another. One after the other over and over with no resolve. Who have I become and what must I do to get rid of all these wasted thoughts?

Are these things really important to me anymore? Judge each other on the idea that we know anyone. Peace in the idea that we can understand something we have no idea about. Ignorance is tolerated because we are all ignorant. There is no solution to any of this. Constantly asking ourselves, myself what is it that I know to be true? We evolve in time within our minds. Not the same person I was before I died yet I feel the same as I ever have.

Chasing a shadow in the dark. Searching for whatever it is that I have become. Monster or man what is the difference this far along? At this point in time they have become one. Not sure I’m okay, but I’ll survive. Not sure I even have or had a choice. They say we do, but they also say there is a God that makes every decision for us. Conflicting conflictions right there if you ask me. The world is evolve or die. God or man the laws are the same. Simple and complex all at the same time.