And Other Things From This Time Preview

Not the Answer

Sex is an ugly thing
Do what you have to do
Then it’s all over
I write because I have to
Then it’s all over
I’d stay and talk
But I have to write
This all over
A process with meaning
Still no answers
Atheism is a question
Is there a God?
Or am I only alone
Sold a million books
Reprised the question
Why am I doing this?
If it’s not worth the effort
You think you know
And so do I
But I’m a liar
Do what I have to do
To get between your thighs
I am an animal
But then why do I feel so bad
Did what I had to do
This is no lie
This is no question
I am what I am
Is not the answer

Pizza and Beer

I am nothing anymore
My mind but a blender
I want to kill the world
But my reasons get returned to sender
I have a list of everything I need to do
I have a task at hand which I hand off to you
One step at a time
Seems more like a reason to die
I thought it would give me a cause
I thought it would make me noble after all
How wrong I was
How stupid I could be
If I put a gun in my mouth
The solution would seem so clear to me
My teeth are rotten
My body is broken
Everything is a mystery until you have no need for it
I feel like I feel, though I’m not sure

Are you paying attention? Does this all seem as though no one else knows? I’d give you a clue, but even they are lost on me. Driven to madness I had no choice. I hope you understand that my soul is now available on Kindle….Enjoy…

People With No Name

“Is there anything I can help you find?” The customer looks over from the entry way of the store at the short stubby clerk standing behind the counter. The customer only came in for one item and has no idea where in this store it could possibly be.
“Yes you can I’m looking for. Oh it’s right there. Right in front of me the whole time.” The customer smiles as she reaches for the simple item on the shelf in front of her.
“Glad we could be of some help,” the clerk smiles. The customer gives off a short laugh as she carries the item to the counter.

“Me too. Does that happen a lot?”
“What do you mean?” The clerk asks the customer.
“Someone asks you where something is and they find it right in front of them?”
“Yes it happens a lot. They say it’s my gift.”
“That’s funny. Who says that?” the customer asks.
“The people with no name.”
“Who?,” the customer asks puzzled.
“The people with no name,” the clerk says calmly.
“Is that other customers?”

“No, I’m sorry I’ve said too much. I didn’t realize you didn’t know, never mind.”
“Know what?” the customer asks taken back.
“I’ve said too much. Are you ready to check out?”
“Where are these people you speak of?”
“If you must know they’re all around us. Can’t you at least feel them?”

The customer shakes her head and starts to become even more confused.
“They control everything and everything controls them. How do you not know about the people with no name?”
“Is there a manager or someone I can talk to?” the customer asks politely.
“Of course there is but why would you need to speak to them?”
“Because I do. In private if that’s okay?”
“Of course, of course just a moment please.” The clerk turns his head and begins to whisper as if someone is there, but there is no one the customer can see.

“The manager will be here in a moment.”
“But you didn’t even page or call anyone.”
“Yes I did,” the clerk says sternly.
“No you didn’t. Can you please page the manager for me?”
“Ma’am I already did and she will be here in just a moment.”
“What the hell is going on here?”

“How may I help you today?” A female voice asks.
The customer turns around to face the woman. “Are you the manager?”
“Yes I am, how may I help you?” She asks again.
“I need to talk to you in private,” the customer says as if to test the manager’s sanity.
“We have a non-believer,” the clerk informs the manager.
“Just because I don’t hear voices that make me a non-believer in something?,” the customer asks irate.
“You don’t hear them?” The manager asks politely.
“Hear what?” The customer demands.
“The people who have no name,” the manager says.
“There are no people here. Have you two lost your minds?”
“Ma’am there is no reason to be rude,” the clerk says.
The manager turns her head and begins to whisper and again no one is there.

“They say you are just not ready.”
“Not ready for what? Are you saying I’m not ready to hear voices in my head?”
“We don’t hear voices in our head ma’am. The voices are all around us. I tried to explain that the people are all around us, but I don’t think she understands.”
“How can she understand anything we are talking about if she does not believe?” The manager asks as if the customer isn’t even there.
“This is all just madness. I am calling someone I hope you know that and I’m never shopping here again.”

The customer throws her item up on the counter and storms out of the store. The manager calmly walks over to the counter and picks up the item, “Some people just aren’t ready yet.”
“I know it saddens me, but maybe one day.”
A hand reaches out from behind the clerk and rests on his shoulder.
“One day they will all believe,” the owner of the hand reveals.

A Lie Preview

Days Keep on Going

Every day is exactly the same with only one slight variance. Wake up, take drugs, and go to either work or school. On really good days I just sit here and never move. This is what my life has become since she left me. My own personal prison. I can’t really say that I hate it all that much. We are all after some sort of prison when you stop to think about it. At least mine is my own.

Lately I haven’t had to go to college because of winter break, and to be honest I wasn’t really going that much before anyways so it’s all the same to me. School starts in a few weeks, I am almost certain, and I’m really not looking forward to it at all. I never wanted to go there in the first place, but my Mom told me if I wanted to continue to live in my house that I had to go to school. Really kind of a shitty situation but then again I live rent free. This frees up my money for the things that keep me going.

I know a man in town and he basically keeps me hooked to stay alive. It’s a rather sad existence, but hey I am still alive. I’m currently at work on one of my two fifteen minute breaks. I work in a drug store and some might say that’s not the best place for someone on drugs to work, but they were hiring and I need a job. When I started though I was a lot more stable. Working here isn’t really that bad, it’s just a bit mind numbing. It’s surprising the amount of stupid people in the world, but then again it’s probably not. I have a lot of time to reflect on such trivial thoughts such as intelligence. I work up front which is to say that I man the cash register. The company likes to pretend that I am nothing more than a cashier by giving me the title check out specialist. I don’t specialize in anything other than getting you the fuck out.

I could care less about your problems even though I smile and nod the whole time. All I am really thinking about is how much longer will your bullshit really affect me. I hate it when people talk to me about what they are buying as if I care at all. I really don’t care that you are buying laxatives, condoms, and a Mother’s Day card. All of this is trivial and pointless to me and my life.

It only gets better from here. Not a fan? Literally gets better from here because. Almost had me. I love to talk about my book. Questions? Ask them. Seriously comment away or get at me on twitter. It is sad and lonely in this cage. The chicken stopped talking once I ate him, and let’s be honest he didn’t have much to say before that either….

And Other Things From This Time Preview

New America

Woke up with little to say
Now should be the time to strike
At a loss for how I feel
The words circle my mind without a thought
Miss guided, maybe
Lost as always
A constant need to say everything I am thinking
When will I ever shut up
My mind is always repeating
Coming up with more and more
Some of it worth saying, most of it the same shit as before
A bent helix and nothing more
Page turner is hard to come by
Wouldn’t understand unless you are already at my level
Zero sleep, pumping caffeine directly into my vein
Could OD and feel the same
An absolute with absolutely nothing at all
Foreign ideas lost in familiar land
Said we are the same but I have no idea who these people are
Learned to live so far away from here
They said it was the same and they couldn’t be more wrong
America failed itself over and over
Each generation a lost nation soaked in blood
A dirty mind lost in thought

Often

I often wonder what it feels to die
Does it feel like I do now
All alone with no one to talk too
I do this to myself
Yet I don’t know the answers to my own questions
I often wonder how soon
Will all this prove to be meaningless
They say you pave your own way
But what if it’s not true
What if this is nothing more than a collection
Of me and you
I often wonder about God
Am I him or is it you
All reason would lead to nothing at all
I feel like I know what I’m saying
But in the end it all seems to come out the same
Blood in blood out and all that shit
Maybe life is nothing more than a brotherhood
Of bull shit
I do this to myself
Get all upset for no good reason
I often wonder what it feels to die
And I know it has to feel like this

Now Available Where All Kindle Books Are Sold…. Yes I Sold Out Because It Is All That I Know….

And Other Things From This Time Preview

Untitled Mess

If time is the only thing I don’t have left
Why does it seem to take forever
Breaking down the doors between mad and insane
Smashing bloody fists to let me in
I’ve got sex on the brain with no chance of getting any
Do this to myself
I’m destroying myself
Hating myself for all the things I didn’t do
Regretting the little things that I have done
No one to blame, but those around me
My hate grows from inside
A burning that doesn’t die even after I am done
Stupidity should be a crime and your excuses are filled with lies
Ignorance is bliss until you open your mouth
A piss soaked stench that I can’t wash from my mind
The shit keeps piling up against you, straight to the ceiling it’s all there is
So sick of swimming in it, the taste consumes me
Baseball bat to the head I already know I’m swinging at the dead
Feels so good to let it out
Silence comes across the stage to hush me, to shut me out
Chewing on my own leg in hopes that you will shut up
There is a story hidden in all of this
The screaming makes everything confusing or make sense
Haven’t decided and I’m not willing to give up yet
Sleeping on a floor of mismatched fabrics has made me bitter
Your English sucks and you’ve never done as you were told
An animal that I can’t live without
A fear quilted together from many little wishes
How can one person have so much hate
I love you anyways

Fuck It and See What Happens

Historically we have been heading this direction
A dictatorship might do us some good
Democracy was such bullshit in the end
Did we really think that we could pull it off
A day long crisis of faith
Time to pick ourselves back up and do it again
Screaming for blood, screaming for a revolution
All that is, is noises inside your head
Too lazy to get up off your ass
Sucking at the tit of modern industry
If this all collapsed what if anything could you do for yourself
Wipe your tears and understand we were never meant to win
A blanket of hypocrisy pulled tighter with every turn
Broken down system was never going to let the right ones in
Money is all that it takes
Can you speak it, understand it, pray to it
The new gods are paid in gold not hopes and dreams like the old
We talk of freedom as we rattle our chains in protest
Does any of this really surprise you anyways?
The invisible cage of society was built to lock us in
You either struggle to succumb or succumb to struggle
Our voice, our pain, our survival are nothing more than talking points
Bullet points on a page, check marked so they know what to say
No matter the outcome our fears won’t go away
The bottom holds the top because we let it
So shut the fuck up if you are not willing to try
Fuck it and see what happens

Broken Spiral

Rationally this all has to make some sense
On a human level we can’t all be laid to rest
Someone has to be left to do all the work
A grinding of flesh and bone
For centuries this is the way of the world
The digital age gave away to mass laziness
A sense of retrospection and wonder
Breeding of weakness spread out over time
If it all came down the collapse would be more than once thought
the fear growing over time
It has to be known that this will all fail
We always find a way to let the wrong one in
A screeching halt of metal and gears
How does one rise from a dead stop
Someone has to do all the work
But who when we’ve all given up
Rationally this all has to make some sense
A broken spiral with crippling regret

A Lie Preview

A Lie is now available on Kindle. Don’t have a Kindle? It can be read using the free Kindle app on your computer, tablet, or cellphone. Feel free to contact me on Twitter or Facebook.

 

Back in the U.S.S.R.

If I bashed my head into a wall every time someone tried to screw me over at work I would have been dead a long time ago. After yesterday I really don’t want to be here, but at least I have tomorrow off. Not that being at home is any better than being here. At least I am alone at home and can deal with my own personal demons by myself. My car wouldn’t start this morning so I had to get a ride from my mom, and she will be picking me up again when I get off. I hate getting rides from my mom. It makes me feel like a child plus it now means I have to stand outside in the freezing cold to smoke. It has to be at least twenty degrees out tonight, but it is probably not that cold. The sun didn’t come out today and it’s been at least two days since I have seen the sun. The clouds are a murky shade of gray and they remind me of a famous painting. I can’t think of the painting or what it is called, but the sky looks as if it is sick and its gloomy colors spread across the town. I haven’t done much today at work, mostly because when it looks like this no one wants to come out of their houses. I’m sure it will snow again today if it is really as cold as it feels, and add another inch or two to the piles of snow that still remain. The snow has been slowly melting for weeks creating a slush of dirt and disgust. Discarded and hidden trash has started to emerge all around the sides of the streets and in everyone’s yards. It won’t be long until all the snow is gone and the town will look like a war torn garbage dump for a few weeks. When the snow melts and the truth comes out is when Jamestown shows its true colors. There is no more hiding behind walls of snow, no more buried lies as the run down houses become more visible and the yards their usual over grown selves. I still have ten more minutes on my break, but it’s too cold to stand out here and do nothing.

An hour after I get back from break the boy only known as Bobby came into the store to meet me. I have to admit I was very confused by this as we were supposed to meet in a few days, and as he is talking to me all I can think about is if this is the day or what day is it really. One of my co-workers also happens to be up front when he stops in. Her name is Ashley and she has been trying to get me to come out with her and her friends for months. So of course when he brings up the fact that we are going out to do something later on this week she wants to join us. At first I try to talk her out of it because I really don’t want her to come, but then I figure at least I will know someone in what is gearing up to be a very awkward evening. Bobby leaves and for the last hour of my shift all she talks about is how excited she is about us all hanging out while I pretend to be just as excited about something I really don’t want to do. She wants to go here and she wants to go there. She managed to get Bobby’s number and she hands me hers. She thinks we should meet up here at work and then go from there. The rest of the details are vague as I stop listening to her and nod my head as if I care. She keeps smiling at me and it feels strange. I’ve known her long enough to know she is a friendly person and acts this way towards everyone. Though today it feels different. The hour passes and I tell her I will see her later this week. Her excitement is already killing me I think as I clock out and go outside. My mom is already waiting for me which is pretty awesome because it has to be colder out here than it was last time. Still no snow, the clouds were a lie. My mom asks how my day was and is overjoyed that Ashley will be joining us. “She is that really cute girl up front right?” she asks. I answer with a sure and I guess, but I quickly stop talking. I just want to get home and wait out my days. Of course last week I try to get out of this so I told my mom I was available on Thursday but I actually work so we are hanging out afterwards because no one wanted to cancel.

 

 

There is an Emptiness Within My Soul

It keeps beat

Hot and cold

Wouldn’t call it a heart

I’d call it a hole

And Other Things From This Time Preview

Survival Instinct

I can smell the new smell of death
Disgusting, digesting, fermenting
Or is it the smell of day old oil
I’m unsure as unclassified as one can be
I break into the vault only to find that it’s all gone
Nothing is ever what it seems
Yet I sit and sit waiting for something new
Each day a tiny, little bit of a disappointment
I forgot what it means to say
I forgot what it’s called
But I’m sick of waiting

I can hear a voice calling my name
Obnoxious, horrid, abstentious
Or is it someone screaming for help
I’m unsure as uncommunicable as one can be
I walked into the wrong area only to find that they had all moved on
Everything is always what it seems
Each minute a tiny, little bit of disappointment
I forgot what it means to see
I forgot what it was that I saw
But I’m sick of always wondering

I can see a figure in the distance
Disfigured, distracting, dismembered
Or is it only me from the shadows
I’m unsure as unbelievable as that could be
I destroyed every mirror only to learn there was never an image
Nothing is ever what it seems
Each second a tiny, little bit of a disappointment
I forgot what it means to be
I forgot what it was that I heard
But I’m sick of never knowing

Will Know

Dancing through the darkness
Hands and feet in the air
Car wrecked left vacant
With little despair
You blame me, I blame them
Who are they
Strangers once now equals
I thought I knew myself
Thought all things were all there
Bits and pieces
Scrapped from the road
Can’t get it all
But the vultures will know
Picking and scratching at the meat
Of my mind
Had I only wished it was me
That has died

Yeah, But What is He Trying to Say?

The table sticks to the page
But the words are falling right off
Maybe I never had it at all
Maybe it was all just a lie built up in my head
Reality is nothing more than what we pretend to portray
Liars, little liars we are
Pretending to know when really we don’t know at all
Is any of this really English or is it all made up?
I don’t know you tell me in your own made up language
The words dictate the feel of everything it really means
Sentence and structure makes no sense
When you hold everything up to a lens
But we over analyze everything anyways
The answer is fuck you encase you missed the point
Your coloring book must be filled up
If you really think I care
By the way Hitler wants his mannerisms back
Because he said they are over played
Yeah I can be witty and mean at the same time
Welcome to the conversation, not that your opinion
Matters at this point