Tearing through my flesh Can’t tell what is left Dead or alive Fucking kill it Doesn’t matter anymore Screaming in the dark Take me with you Drown within a dream, a nightmare Suffocating The scars were never meant to be seen Cracking Hating all of this A life I thought I had to live Destroying everything Smashed against my skin I have and always will Drown myself from within Thought you knew me Didn’t know shit A decision I have to fucking live with Smile, because this was always for you Turning over in my grave Even in death I couldn’t sleep Fuck me, all the same Keep on living just to be me Closing my eyes I knew there would never be peace Smiling even as a dead man in a grave Home is where my heart has always been A tomb, a grave, everything I need it to be Miss the way things used to be Isolation was only a thought that I bothered Give you even more If you could show me what it is I truly need A hug from the one I adore Wasted too much time On selfish needs Punish me some more Give me all that I deserve
This free write brought to you by… The Stories In Between… if you like it… you can thank him… if you hate it… well you can blame me… either way check out his blog… website… his writing…
Destroying me Who am I Who are you Kill the life left inside Meaning has meaning Pull the soul to the surface Fucking dead Kill you Killing me Worth it A lifeless passion Same thing Different meaning Choke the useless Suffocate who I am Feel better I hope You get what you’ve always wanted Nothing
So much to say Stand silent in judgment Nothing to say Who am I in defense If nothing at all A silent dream Left in the sun Left to dry up and die How could I ever mean what I say Silent as I die Screaming inside
Useless you are everything you will ever be Destroying yourself to understand who you are Nothing in everything Locked away mystery, enigmatic puzzle Nothing all along A lie I tell myself because I believe
The words mean so much less Repeated over and over Repeat a mantra of nothing Hypocrite Christ Objection to the delusion Faggot Fuck Useless Words with no meaning Hate myself A demon Left behind Let me die Destroy everything, that I mean Meaning less Hope for better things Sacrifice for something more Killing myself to believe Justify my choices against justification A right to speak but not a right to say
Dying to know Who I am What I could be Broken Useless I am who I’ve always meant to be All the voices Don’t mean anything they say Do it already Turn the fuck away Familiar Lost Loneliness Humanity Moments in time Thoughts to think about A life meant for more Because someone told me so Standing still, lifeless, dead
Looking for reason No more reason Become Everything you believe Tired reason to keep on trying Destroyed Who am I if I am no one What am I with Who am I if I am only you Worthless Open to all things Closed minded with everything to say Pain Suffer More Chest split open Skin resting at my knees Begging for an answer Give me more Enough to know What I’ve already known Let me become the one The one that knows more The chosen one on the cross of society To be hated is to be loved To be the villain is to be the hero Justifying all your actions, all your work Praying to a higher power Prying back the truth Inserting myself into the history A tall tale to tell Have faith Have faith in me Trust me for who I’ve always been Nothing
Before we get into how weird or awful… what ever the fuck this was… let’s a dress the fact that the block editor sucks… Does anyone like it?… Is it really better than what we had before?… yes this post is late… but none of you know my new schedule… so that didn’t need to be said… but oddly enough I feel I should be honest with you…
I’ve been sitting on this long ass piece since June… I rewrote some of it since that night… fixed parts in the last year… I’m posting it because I just want to get it out of my head and out of my sight before I make it worse than it already is… So why post such a thing Layne??… because it seemed relevant to me today… What the hell is it even about??… it is about everything and nothing… what I hope comes across… is that it is about everything that fires in my brain… at any given time… as I write… as I speak… as I think… it is constant… well for the most part… sometimes I really think of nothing at all…
Sometimes… for a split second of my day… I don’t hear everyone telling me I’m not good enough… I don’t imagine everyone hating me… I don’t see everyone looking down on me as if I am nothing… and by everyone I mean me… depression is shit… a conscience… is everything and nothing… much like this poem… or collection of words… whatever the fuck you want to call it… it isn’t perfect… but it is constant… I’m amazed I get anything in life done… If you know what I mean… you know what I mean… if not we envy you…
Good luck… I’m sure I’ll be late again next week… but good news… last I checked I’m the one running this shit into the ground… smiles… : ) : ) : )
Threadless… Amazon… Twitter…
Fuck block format… and whatever the fuck else they did… God… am I really getting this old?…
The hurt feels like it will never end Chain smoking the pain from my head Got it wrong, but then isn’t it always in the end Chained myself to a dead weight Now I’m sinking Thinking what is that I really need Air?
The hurt feels like it has been going on for a while Staring down all the suicidal thoughts from my head Got it wrong, but then its been that way for a while Starving myself to a dead weight Thinking what is it that I really need Food?
The hurt feels like it has gone on too long Walling off all traces from my head Got it wrong, but then isn’t that long enough Unchained myself to a dead weight Now I’m confusing Thinking what is it that I really need You?
Of course I would return to the warm weather in Texas after a month away in the cold… and get sick… powering through it though… So if this week is all scattered and makes no sense… it’s the sickness… (rolls eyes)…
Fun highlights of my life right now…
I gave up soda… in a second step to cut out caffeine from my daily life… I feel like punching someone in the throat… so it’s going well… haha… the biggest differences I’ve noticed so far… besides my irritability to anyone who speaks to me… not a whole lot… I’m at that point in my withdraw… where quitting makes no sense… I wasn’t dead before… I was happy… I was a fun person to be around… It made me feel better… I think it is called denial… I’d ask someone… but then I might punch them in the throat…
I started playing bass guitar again after a sixteen year absence… I’m as awful at it as you are imagining… it’s awesome… bass guitar was the first instrument I got as a kid… I wanted drums… every parents nightmare… my mom talked me into a bass guitar… I only agreed because Mark Hoppus from Blink-182 was cool… so why not… less than a year later I was begging for drums again… which I eventually got… I played drums through out high school… I just realized there was no point to this story… haha… yeah I need more sleep…
I’m torn between what I have become and what I want. A lazy layabout who only dreams of becoming something rather than doing anything about it. I’m so lost in this pragmatic world of no sleep isolation of the world. I think ways of getting myself out of this hell I have created, but there is no way out. There is no green grass on the other side only more sacrifice that I am no longer willing or able to fight for. If I could I would do nothing and I already am. Yet day after day visions and thoughts of doing better bounce in and out of my head. I’m trapped in this depression called life though I am not truly sad. There is nothing wrong with me I just can’t seem to leave this place.
This constant war between sleep and no sleep has left me feeling devastated. It has left me feeling as though I am searching for something. As if I am missing a huge part of this life. In essence, I’m sure that I am not. I am actually living life as it comes and goes one day at a time. This is life but dreamers got to dream. I dying soul has got to believe in more than this. Whether it is about what we have or what we want.
My mind is flooded with too many thoughts to actually concentrate on anything going on around me. To tell a story, to live a lie requires way too much effort at this time. I wish I could get away. Shed this sickness once and for all. Take some time for myself and worry about nothing at all. I think of these things as I stumble through life. Hope for a day it might happen, but I know me and I will never let this happen. I can’t let go. I can’t move on. My thoughts are locked into nothing at all.
I once wrote that my freedom is a six-foot ditch. My salvation lies in a grave that I dig, we dig every day. I’m at liberty to believe I have such gifts and insights to get me through all this crap. But I know deep down I’m full of more shit than anyone who chooses to stand next to me. Anyone I pass as I float through this life. A constant war with normalcy. A constant struggle to be something I’m not. I believe I am better than you because I am an asshole. Because I am human or at least I would like to believe that is my answer.
If I could change one thing it would take a lifetime to decide what that change would be. A lifetime wasted on something out of my control. I have been dealt the hand that I have been dealt and I must continue to live with what I got. These are the rules. This is the game. Easier said than actually done. Fuck this game and fuck this day. Maybe tomorrow I will feel different. Maybe all this bitching will seem dumb. But right here, right here at this moment, it all feels like a waste of time.
It all seems pointless. Why go on fighting if there is nothing to fight for? What am I struggling with? Money, fame? I want none of these things yet I can’t stop thinking about how my life would never be the same. Fuck the money and fuck the fame. I just want the freedom that comes with this grave. This home I have built for myself. A drawn out thought that has left me here all along.
Selling my soul one t-shirt at a time… click here to join in on the sacrifice… we also have totes… because why not…
The rain comes down hard as it beats against my cardboard house like a drum. It upsets me at first, but then I remember I wanted to move anyway. Nothing truly upsets me anymore. Nothing outside of the wastefulness of the people that surround me where ever I go. Town after town. City after city. They waste their time all day doing nothing only to come home to more nothing. Though I suppose If it wasn’t for the wastefulness of people I wouldn’t have the cardboard boxes I like to call home or the cheap cigarettes to smoke when I can. It is such a strange relationship that I have with these others. A necessary evil I suppose. Even if it makes me angry at just how stupid they are.
My neighbor’s got a TV, but it doesn’t work. Doesn’t bother him much as he stares at the blank screen for hours pretending it’s some show he watched as a child. I don’t miss television much or the movies for that matter. Too many lies sown deep within the bright lights. It’s all just a bunch of made up drama or stupid comedies about nothing. I miss the sense of family though if I’m being honest with myself. Since I broke away from everything all I have had is time, to be honest with myself. A truly horrifying scenario I live through each and every day. Watching the “world” pass me by. A world where we cast aside everything for nothing at all. I remember the days that I rushed through only to get to the end. Always wanting more sleep. Always wanting something more. I don’t miss that need even if I still have the feeling.
Endless days give away to endless ideas of what life could be. Life has always been the same thing though. An endless nothing without a purpose. I suppose there is no right way to live a life. The words I write like a cave man on the sides of my box begin to bleed. Raining harder and harder upon my home. Though the feelings brought up right now make me feel a bit sad it is all temporary. I don’t miss much about the normal life. The tied down feeling that all of it had is what lead me to this. A thousand years ago I would have been an explorer, an honored man.
May have even had my own day of celebration like that asshole Christopher Columbus. My own special day where everyone got the day off. A day for people to celebrate me with a shopping spree or stuffing their faces with as much food that their bodies couldn’t handle. It is all a waste I tell you. All of it. It all comes back to this thought. Even not existing seems like a waste at times. I go on just as they do. Just as we are meant to. When the storm passes I’ll take what isn’t ruined. Start my search for dry boxes. Start all over again. I guess that’s what the real life is like only with more crap. Keep on wasting time only to do it all again.
The chambers of the heart
Keep pumping blood
Even if there is no will to go on
Patience but for what
A long waiting game for nothing at all
I carved one out
Only to give one up
Nothing feels natural anymore
A made up act
I call love
Doesn’t matter anymore where it comes from
If only my thoughts could match my actions
The image it haunts me. An image from my past but how could it exist in the present unless time is bleeding into itself once again. I thought I escaped this. I thought I fixed but it seems I have only distorted the truth. Turned a blind eye to the facts. I pick up the walking stick from my past and realize it is in fact real. Am I losing my mind? How can I erase something that has already been erased? Stuck between times there is no outlet for my crimes. No sense of right and wrong anymore. What else if any is out of place in this timeline? I search the horizon. Need more time to know for sure? I take the walking stick from the past and trek on into the unknown.
Sat around today
Doesn’t mean anything
Thought I would share
My inner thoughts
Going through hell
Marching past the gates
Lakes of fire burning bodies made of shit
They are heard but with no real thought
Doesn’t rhyme at the end I don’t care
The Jesus freaks sing their hymns to me
As though it might help
The blood cascades down the wall
You know you are home
When everything is comfortable
Bones line the edges of the room
You know you are home
When everything is fine
Skin drapes the furniture
You know you are home
When everything is normal
If someone gave me a million dollars. Anyone at this point the reason doesn’t have to make sense. If anyone gave me a million dollars. I’d watch it burn. Dollar by dollar. One bill at a time. That’s how I feel right now. I don’t know how to make it go away. It all seems so useless to struggle for. Who are we when the money is all gone? Who are we when we have more than we will ever need? Who are we at all? If not for our needs.
The theme for this week is greed… truly broken thoughts… always wanting more… more of something… more food… more money.. more sex… more pain… greed doesn’t go away with more… too much of a good thing is never enough… considered one of the seven deadly sins… Greed is hard to escape on a day to day basis… who doesn’t want more?… what defines more?… at what point should we cut ourselves off from more?… I know I could always use more… more sleep usually… more of anything at this point… turns out I am human after all… was holding out for different… but I’ll settle for human…
My hands are callus and soaked in blood
Quitting isn’t what it used to be
Walking away isn’t a train of thought
It’s an action that weighs more than weight itself
The words so heavy
They don’t come out right
Nothing comes out right anymore
Each thought is loaded with regret
Forced out by a will to keep going
God I fucking hate every God damn thing
If I could I would
But I have too much responsibility now
Corporate America doesn’t give a shit. They pretend that they do with a smile on their face. Heads bobbling as though yes, very much so. While their hands are wrapped around their dicks stroking faster and faster. Getting off on your displeasure as you purchase the items you didn’t want in the first place. Go ahead and tell me how you feel. Tell me what you want. Smile and act natural. I’ve been trained for this. This is what we do.
“The one with the Indian on it.”
“I think they prefer Native American.”
“I think they’d prefer if we gave them their land back. But in the meantime, the one with the cartoon Indian will do just fine.”
Day in, day out, 9 to 5, 9 to whenever however you want to put getting fucked. I am lost within myself. Lost in the dark. The theme is something I carry with me every second of every day. The lights all burned out. No longer even a flicker of a flame. Absolute dark. If only I could get beyond this. Step into the figurative illusion of this so called light I’m missing in my life. Maybe then. Maybe somehow I could be who it is I always dreamed I could be. Then again maybe it will all one day come together for us all. I doubt it, but that could very well be who I am. In the end, we all have something to say. In the end, we all have our place in obscurity. We all have our own personal wall to climb.
A customer just told me that the artificial sugars in gum are basically poison. So she buys a thirty pack and heads on home.
Kind of basic Broken Thoughts… a fractured reality of what I have to deal with every day… stretched out over years… you think that I’m not listening… you believe me when I say that I am not… but really I’m taking it all in… absorbing every useless thought… stabbing myself with the idea that I am better than you… I’m more you than you will ever be me… I’m nothing more than what time forgot… lurking in the shadows… standing next to you at every turn… don’t look because I’m staring… smile because I know I will… “Is there anything I can help you find?”…