Broken Thoughts… Pretty Good Idea…

This is the end of everything
My ever need
Bury me
A grave with nothing to say
Say my name
Devil inside me
Destruction at every turn
Living in a world that couldn’t sit still
I’ll bring you everything you need
Screaming in place

Can’t see the words through the blur

Hangman’s noose
Judge, jury
Hate myself more
Than anyone ever could
Punishment for sins unknown
Woke up into a world of shit
Born into this skin
Wish I could escape somehow
Every attempt leaves me feeling
Wishing I was dead
Screaming in my skull
Dragging this body around

Spilling shit all over myself

In the shadows becoming something else
The trick isn’t as exciting when
You know the process
Down right depressing
If you only knew
You’d ask me to stop, give up
Save yourself you’d say
Who would I be anyway
Giving away everything
Save you for myself

I need to stop listening to sad songs…. bringing out the best in me?… unlikely…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Broken Thoughts… The Things I Had Before…

Wish I could think of something else
Nothing comes to mind so I dwell
What could have been, what it is
The past and the present don’t seem
To match the future
Stuck in time, stuck thinking about the times
You meant something more
Something to me that I can’t ignore
The ignorance of our situation
Do I love you or am I just waiting
Wish I could think of something else
Not the words spoken but the ones hidden
Hurt too many times to make this work

A pile of papers with nothing to say…

Going to be one of those days
Dragging myself through hell
A smile and a thought
Doing it to myself
Not nearly as bad as I once thought
Tearing through a lifetime
Night after night
A cold and apathetic thought
What do you mean to me
When you mean everything
Killing all the parts of me that I thought mattered
How wrong I ever was
This is the only way to live a life
With a broken dream
With a big ass smile

“Are you going to act calm, cool, and collected or are you going to run around like someone shit in your mouth?”

An ends to a means
A history rooted in treachery
Knowing why never seemed important
Until you asked
Accepting everything at face value
Crumbling with time
The chains that bind
Who you are and all the reasons why
Who we can be and the reasons why
Questioning everything inside

Was just thinking this picture is rather large… need a smaller version… but then you don’t get the full effect of the image… boring ass day today… but I had fun none the less… I like boring days… to be honest… I look forward to them… nothing going to shit… no one caring what I did or what I am doing… maybe it is a getting older thing?… maybe it is a flashback of my youth?…

Did three hours of yard work… nothing special… maintaining the space I guess… blasting metal at 9 a.m. and waving at the neighbors… they are pretty cool… we all keep to ourselves… I will always like that… I lived in a neighborhood once… where everyone had to be three feet up your ass… what are you doing?… how is the family?… what do you think of this traffic?… checking my mail… you saw them walk into the house so alive… and why the fuck are you hanging out in your front yard like a creep?… I like to keep to myself… haha…

Well I should probably go finish burying the rest of the bodies… got to put the work in if you want to succeed in life… Hope all is well…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

When There Is No More Room… Part 4…

Finding Peace in the Darkness

Scratching the walls with my nails. I want more. Another day or another night. I can’t resist the temptation of the kill. They said it would go away. It hasn’t. They said over time things would become normal. They haven’t. Everything they said never came true. Staring into the darkness around my bed. Dancing figures in my head. I want to kill now more than ever. Drinking a little bit more and think about something else. The thought won’t go away. What’s the difference if I do it for my country or for myself? Pacing again. Over and over with no place to go. I see them all outside my window. Staring back at me. Waiting. Always waiting. Becoming something more than myself. Twenty kills, thirty kills, they took more of me than I could ever give away. I can give it back. I know how. Ten inches made of steel. Sharped to a point. Carve them up. Take piece by piece until nothing is left. They will never know. Scatter the pieces. Too hard to find. Too hard to prove. The feelings will subside then. Take what I’m owed. I have all the reason to do what I want. Earned my place amongst them. What’s the difference?

Scratching at the walls with my knife. I know the reason but I can’t bring myself to the cause. I’m not weak. I’m not too weak to do what I need to do. Fuck you, I’m not scared. I can do it. I know I can because I have. Over there I did whatever they told me. What needed to be done. Their eyes burned into my mind. Life slowly draining. The relief of living another day surging inside of me. I am safe. I don’t need to do this. There is no reason to kill again. The power is fleeting. Underrated as they laugh. I hear them laughing. Look at the hero with nothing. In the shadows I watch. Pissing it all away. No more wars to fight. No more battles to be won. Cutting out their tongues.  Their eyes looking back at me. Like before. Before when no one laughed. Everything is so meaning less standing in place. I need a purpose. I know my purpose. I have no purpose. Take the blade to myself. End this suffering. Take away this pain digging in my head. No, I am not weak. I am not weak.

She scratches at the walls with her nails. They never did this before. Always fought back. Not the same. Fight me I shout at her. Nothing, weak, useless she cries. Kick her in the side again. One life to live. This is how you choose to leave it. Knife pressed against her throat. Noises and no words. Aren’t they all the same? Weak. Take her apart piece by piece. Going to need rope. She won’t sit still. Won’t fight. Barely a struggle. Just the tip. Let her know how it feels. Should have gotten a male. Spit in her face. Drag the tip across her skin. Arm swings. That’s what I need. Give me more I whisper into her ear. She shakes in fear. Hand around her throat. Enough playing. Go for the kill. My brain explodes. She goes quiet. Hacking away more and more. Take everything spread it around. Wear her blood on my skin. A war paint I don’t want to erase. Do you feel that? How does it feel? It went away. A calm wave washing over me. Peace at last. Peace at last.

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

When There Is No More Room… Part 3…

“Doctor, I need you go speak with Stephanie. She still hasn’t got out of bed. It has been almost three days,” the nurse tells him. I don’t look up from my desk.  My pen digs deeper into the chart I’m working on. The nurse holds on to my office door to afraid to fully enter, “Doctor, did you hear me?” Pushing the pen the tip deeper into the chart. “Is there anything else?” I asks looking up to her with a fake smile. “No, I guess not,” she answers before closing the door and disappearing. The pen tip snaps spilling ink all over the chart, “What could the little psychopath possibly be up to now?”

I enter Stephanie’s room and the first thing to hit me is the smell. The smell of three day old shit and piss. Jesus Christ does no one do their job around here? Doesn’t matter I think as I rub my forehead in frustration. Lighting up a cigarette to try and mask the smell I fight the need to vomit. “Stephanie may I have a moment of your time?” I ask in the fakest version of myself I can. She only sits there on her bed with her knees to her chest staring at me. “The silent treatment for me as well. That’s fine I suppose. It won’t help you I’m afraid,” I take another step into the room. Her eyes burn with a furry. All of their eyes have this look. A look none of my medical books have ever been able to explain. The two orderlies I brought with me wait a few steps behind me. I can hear them as they try not to breathe. Unfortunately that isn’t much of an option at the moment.  

“Heard it has been over three days since you’ve attempted to get up. Moving around is good for your mind you know? A little outdoor time. Maybe some sun would make you feel better?” Still nothing only her burning eyes. “I also heard you are refusing to eat for the nurses but I see you have some of the plates there in your bed. That is good. That is positive. What isn’t so positive and judging by the smell in this room I have to believe is true? Is that you have been pissing and defecating the bed again. We’ve talked about this Stephanie. We can’t have you doing this. It isn’t healthy or sanitary. To be quite frank it isn’t really fair to the staff. That is beyond the point though. Stephanie you need to get out of bed.” My anger begins to rise as I stomp out my cigarette and light another one. Her eyes burning. Their eyes so dark. Sometimes I just want to grab them by the throat and watch the flames slowly smolder out. No, push it down. You are here to help them.

“Stephanie you need to get out of bed now,” I inform her unsympathetically. “Bring her back,” she screams at me. My ears ringing I fight the urge to scream along with her, “She doesn’t exist. We have been over this.” The fire rages in her eyes, “Bring her back.” Bits of dried shit fall off her arms as she screams. “She doesn’t exist therefore we can’t bring her back. We have been over this. You need to understand this Stephanie,” I shout threw her screams. “She does exist and you took her away from me,” her whole body shakes with every word. The orderlies rush to my side but I signal them to stay back. I can feel my own frustration and my own anger fighting to release itself. “Enough of this screaming Stephanie,” I say with a stern voice. “There is no reason to scream at me. I promise you we never took her away because she is not real.” She shakes her head no causing more dried shit to fall off her body. “You are a liar. You took her just to make me unhappy. Just to make me suffer. You are just like them. Just like everyone else,” she throws herself into her pillows.

I take a step closer, “Now why on earth would I do something like that? I’m here to help you get better. You are here to get better. So let me help you. Let us help you get there. Let’s get out of the bed and get you cleaned up.” Her face still buried in her shit covered pillow, “Not until you bring her back to me.” Standing just out of arms reach of her the smell is becoming too much to bare. “Stephanie this is no way to live. We need to get you out of this bed,” I say as calmly as one can in this situation. Staring at her I wonder where everything went wrong. How could such a beautiful girl turn into such a mess? If this were another life or if things had worked out differently I would have been staring at her up on a screen. Not in a room with her shit smeared on the walls. This world can be too much to take at times. Before I even have time to react. Stephanie springs from her bed and tackles me to the floor. With her hands around my throat she begins to scream, “Bring her back.”

Despite her small frame she has a strength I don’t understand. The two orderlies fight to get her off of me, but with every ounce of effort her hands grip tighter to my throat. Her screaming fills the tiny room with so much noise. My ears ring as I try to fight her. I try to find a place on her body that isn’t covered in shit as my hands slide off her skin. I just want to help them. I can’t understand what is happening. That’s all I ever wanted to do. But right now I just want to kill her. Gouge out her little eyes and watch her scream in pain. So disoriented as all my sense become over stimulated confusion sets in.  A nurse runs into the room and injects her with a syringe of diazepam. She fights the effects as I fight for air. Fight the urge to not kill the life from her. I feel the strength leave her hands and her weight off my chest. Inhaling deeply the smell of the room takes over as I vomit on to the floor. Staring into my own pool of vomit. I am left wondering why is it that any of this needs to exist.

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Look for part 4 next week… (3/20)… Hopefully you are all enjoying this… if not well it will only torture you for once a week from now on… : )

Hope all is well…

When There Is No More Room… Part 1

The halls are filling with patients I can hear their feet stomping. One by one they shuffle their way down the halls. The ones that can that is. None of them mine of course. No of course not they belong to my subordinates. All those long nights. All the studying. All the work to be at the top of my class. What a waste of time. No, I get the special ones. The ones chained down, the ones that most of us can only see through glass and steel. But why am I telling you this? Talking to myself. I might as well be locked away with them. I need. I need to get this all out. Before I end up on the other side of the glass. We all have our reasons for being here. Locked in this place.

I am here to make sure they get “better.” Help them, cure them, but there is no cure for crazy or deranged or homicidal.  So all of my education, all of my time is nothing but a waste. I get to pretend to be the very thing I call myself. The title I have earned, Doctor. Head Doctor of Psychiatry at a state run asylum to be exact. I get to pretend that I can make them all better. Trapped in purgatory with the monster who will never see the light of day again. God damn it. I just want to leave this place. Trapped in my head. Trapped in place. Day in and day out. When I close my eyes. All I see are their faces smiling back at me. They should be put down. Put down like the animals that they are. One way trip to the pits of hell. But that’s not humane is it? That’s not right. Not in this day and age of medicine. We can help them.

What a joke. A broken idea stabbed into our brains. Not all of us were born equal. Not all of us deserve to live. All those long hours, all these long days, this endless life time, and that is all that I can come up with. Kill them all. Let the devil have his play things back. Not good enough. Not the solution we are looking for. “Do we need to replace you with someone better?” Better than me? Someone better than me can administer the same test with the same results. Would it make the difference to help these monsters? Question my very existence in this world. Driven crazy by the very people who I have entrusted me to heal. Nothing. Surrounded by the madness and the endless cycle of nothing. The nothing is pointless and unavoidable. The fact that nothing I will ever do will mean anything. That’s the part I can no longer take. Life here is an unknown mystery with the same outcome.

Welcome to the Alabaster Behavioral Asylum for the Criminally Insane. Yes, when there is no more room. Welcome to hell.

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

So this was that project I was talking about… either last week or the week before… I don’t know… the days bled together after awhile… Hopefully I can keep up with it… this week I will be posting three parts to it… after that I will be posting a new part every Wednesday… and filling in the days with Broken Thoughts… poems… the usual stuff… trying to change things up… taking a chance on this story… maybe I will talk about it more later… okay I will be talking about it more later…

Cut Me Up… I Am The End Of All Things To Come…

Losing My Mind

In the darkness I hide
Waiting for you to free me
Hidden deep within
I’ve always been me
The surface a mask
An asshole within
Tearing apart every part
That makes me, me
Strangling the only thing
That is good in me
Watching the world burn
Is all I ever wanted
Greatest fear strangling me
Lost in my own worlds
Confusion sets in
Dragging my scythe
Through the darkness that is my mind
I have always wondered
But I knew all along
I am death and this is what I deserve
A secret held deep within
Passion to see the other side
Purity that will never make sense
Dragging myself through this life
Lost my fucking mind
At this point can’t tell the difference
Stream of fucking consciences
What is real when all is a lie
Chew the fucking glass
That we were all meant to digest

Never Enough I Need More

This isn’t my first
Won’t be the last
Welcoming death as it comes
Welcoming everything
This isn’t
What I set out to be
A place I was pushed to
Time has a way of taking everything
Dying each day
Pushing to make it something else
A disease buried deep within
The alcohol brings out the best in me
I’m not a hero, a saint
A fucking leach
Suck you dry
Take everything I need
Lie to myself
To make everything you’ve done
Make sense
That’s the part I hide
A victim to my own pain
Killing myself was never the plan
All I have left
How could I be so weak
How could I accept such abuse
The worlds a lie
When all I ever believed
Lied to me
Living on borrowed time
I don’t know where to go from here
When everything I believed is a lie
Sitting in my own shit
I wish I was dead
Too strong to do it
Too weak to see any other excuse
Suffering as each day comes
A secret buried in my skin
Can you see when I lie
On the surface all along
Tell me what to do
Because I don’t know what to do anymore

Slipping into a darkness I don’t understand… where does this world go… when it was never meant to be?… where does any of this end when it keeps on going?… debt… love… life… it all keeps going… the truth unknown to anyone… all answers a lie… choking… open my eyes… your hands around my neck… this is all for nothing… this life doesn’t mean anything… and yet… I crave… I want to go on living this dream… that is all it is a dream… in a awakened mind… none of it matters… but all of it seems too…

It all seems to matter in the scheme of all things… I think of space and it’s endlessness… I think of all of the people who have abandoned me… I think of so many things… and here I stand… what the fuck does any of this mean?… what is a world full of darkness?… but endless… tortured and I am the master of all things… what the fuck is wrong with me?… fucking human is all I will ever be… raising a glass to the nothing at all…

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Broken Thoughts… Postcard From My Heart…

There is a hole in my soul
I lie and say it doesn’t hurt
Broken and I think everybody knows
A child with so many things to say
An adult with nothing left
All that matters doesn’t seem to anymore
The feelings once there have come and gone
A pretense so intense that it hurts
Walking away seems to be all that I have left
Though I know I still have things left to say

 

A Darkness Love Could Never Hide

Literally burning time
Watching it burn slowly
In my hand
Your life
Smell so innocent
Taste of dirt and ash
Holding a place in my heart
A grave with no name
The bones never seem to
Break away when you want
Them to
The souls always with me
Speaking in tongues made of sin
Give me more, feed me, feed this eternal lust
The hate was never the point
It is the feeling of your lungs running out of air
Succumbing to a need
Deep inside me grows a danger
Lack of control has led me to this
Watching your body burn with the rest of them
In the shallow grave, the altar I’ve built for you

 

Spitting blood
Did you care before you thought
I was going to die?
My mouth is dirty
Vulgar as fuck
Postcard from my heart

 

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Not a whole lot to say… which is odd to even me… even crazier is that I’m in a great mood… maybe that’s scary?… haha… believe me when I say I am fine… a little dark… but that is just me… smiling all the way to asylum… enjoy your day… I’m going outside to enjoy the sunshine… just kidding… I’m not that crazy… : )

 

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