Wir haben Angst und sind allein…

Recently, well two days ago I finally got around to reading a comic called The Dead Hand.  (The graphic novel doesn’t come out until Oct. But if you are into history and comics. I can’t suggest this enough. It is well worth the preorder.) The Dead Hand tells a fictional story that takes place during the Cold War. A time where the United States, the world really didn’t know what was going to happen. I am going to do my best to say what I have to say without giving away much of the story. 

The genesis of the idea behind this story is the idea that Russia made an A.I. system that could detect an American threat. Once the threat was received the system was programmed to retaliate without hesitation, without thought. Being a comic of course it is filled with exciting things, not plausible things, fiction, but the odd thing was the fiction wasn’t the unbelievable part of the story. The fiction actually made more sense than the truth of the matter. I believe that is why it has stuck with me for the past two days.

See it wasn’t that Russia developed a complex A.I. system or the fact that they developed it before the 90’s. Before the fall of the U.S.S.R. they were somehow able to develop a system more advanced than what we have even today. That wasn’t mind-blowing to me, at all. No, it was the thought behind its creation that seems so out of this world, so fictional. The truth in all of this is that during the Cold War. The United States and Russia were more than ready to destroy the world. Not one another. That would make sense. That would be easy to process, but instead they were ready to destroy the world. The selfishness of the situation seems unreal. Then I have to stop. I have to look around and that’s when I realize. It is right on point for who we are as humans.

I find myself questioning what it means to be American often. I want to jump to the conclusion that we are everything everyone says we are, but I also like to believe that we are not. The reality is that it has nothing to do with where you are from. Any nation, any thing under a microscope will reveal things we did know where there. Things we may not have wanted to know. It is easy to point At the United States or Russia and say they are evil. They have done evil things. Evil intentions. In actually as fucked up as the Cold War was and it was pretty fucked up. It gave us more than we could have known. It gave us this among other things. The internet, which we use everyday. Both good and bad. Some of us use it for what it was intended to be used for and some use it to hurt others. That isn’t nation based. That is human. As much as I want to say that so and so is the enemy to the human race. The reality is that we are the enemy of the human race. We do this to each other. For no reason at all.

Last night there was a shooting a street down from where I live. It was a drive by. Bullets ripped through steel, through flesh and blood, and now two people lay in the hospital. The shooting was drug related as these things seem to be as of late. Probably fighting over territory. For shit that was never really there’s to begin with and as I snatch my daughter from the couch. Press her body to the floor and I try to figure what the fuck is even happening. As I lay over her body to protect her I think what is this really all for? Hours later I am left with the same feeling. I wait for what I know is going to come. More shots echo outside of my home. The thing is there are always retaliation shots. No one gets shot, shot at and thinks, “Where did I fuck up?” 

Despite putting over twenty rounds into the strangers down the street so far they have lived. I couldn’t be more upset at the fact. I shouldn’t feel that way. I should be happy. Feel as though every life is precious, but instead I am left feeling like a monster.  Of course there will be retaliation. There will be retribution. It won’t be tonight or tomorrow, but it will come. How long until someone else is left feeling like me as they hold their child in fear or worse? Because that is how we are. A nuclear apocalypse or a bullet. What’s the difference? A nation or a person what is the difference? To be human at times is fucking sick. 

 

 

 

(The title is from a German band known as Rammstein from their song Engel. It says, “We are afraid and alone.” Or at least that is what Google told me.)

Knocked the Wind Out of Everything

Stress seems to affect us at different volumes and different values. Not everyone can handle what it takes anymore. The time they change things even if the game is the same. Used to be about survival now it’s about living. About doing nothing. The goals were once simple. Now the goal is to convoluted, to simple to comprehend. It wasn’t that long ago that there wasn’t enough people. Now there are too many. Positive or negative doesn’t matter laziness still poisons the well. Today nothing ever gets done because someone else will take care of it. Someone else will do it don’t worry. Who the fuck is this someone else?

Oh, I forgot it was me. Forty hours a week to make up for all the mistakes, all the things no one wants to do. This place drags me down. Consumes me and leaves me broken. All I hear is complaints about the shit that I don’t do because I’m too busy doing everything else. Poorly managed is an understatement. I think they train them to be stupid. Ignorant to the task at hand. Most of them have never been me and I don’t mean in a figurative sense. I mean they have never done what I have to do, what I have done. Pull these worthless fucks right out of college. Cool you can read. I can read too. I can read the units, the hours, the labor, and all the bull shit. I can feel what they are saying and what they are saying is that we are fucked. 

I often wonder if I was dropped on my head too many times or not enough. Decisions are made with the littlest of thought. The thought process. “I’m going to need you to wipe your feet before you enter the mud puddle. Hate for the dirt to get dirty.” I need this that and the other. All I need is for you to get the fuck out of the way. Smile and lose your fucking mind. Lead, follow, or get the fuck out of the way isn’t just catchy it is true. Instead fuck ups happen constantly and the only way is to keep letting them happen. They have the staff so stressed out and paranoid that they run around chasing a chicken with its head cut off. Stop chasing the chicken. Come back when the damn thing is dead. I get that dinner needs to be made. Trust me I fucking get it, but the plates are dirty, the preps not done, and the pot is still heating up. We’ve got time. 

God forbid you communicate that said idea is a bad one. Excommunicated from the conversion from there on. Condemned until it of course fucks up then you are to blame for its failure. I try to stay out of it. To stay away from it, but they drag you in. They need someone to blame, to take the fall but I can’t let go. I hang on their every word. Loyalty buried deep within my very existence. Stupidity running right beside it. Trust no one and no one can let you down. If only I could live by the words that I preach. If I could live by the way it was supposed to be.

What happened to do the job? What happened to hard work? Gave a way to reward the weak and bury the strong. I see that it pays to do nothing at all, but I can’t stand by and watch it fall. To watch everything I have worked for go to shit. Watching it all fail makes me feel as though I failed. Whether I get paid or not. The world should not work this way, but somehow it does. Somehow the world keeps turning and all I can think is fuck it all. 

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I’ve lost touch with reality, with the truth… The harsh reality that none of this actually matters… Forgot the meaning of life is nothing more than seeing the next day… One day I will lose as we all will, but taking on all this stress is only moving me closer to that day… Not closer to where I want to be… Finding that balance can take a life time… Don’t let it… The sooner the better… In the mean time hug a family member… your children… and take a moment for yourself…

If the world isn’t going to work the way that it should… Why should we?… If we can’t beat them… do what they do… and do it better… laughing all the way to my grave… fuck’em… 

But I’m Still Right Here…

“As below, so above and beyond, I imagine – drawn beyond the lines of reason. “

Tool, Lateralus

 

Death

I don’t necessarily fear death. Not in the sense that maybe one should. I know it will happen. I’m even okay with it to a certain extent. Part of life after all. If anything I fear dying too early. Dying before I’ve done anything at all. My anxiety about the whole thing keeps me up at night. Fuels my own perpetual destruction and decent into madness. I complain about working nights, but the truth is that I have always been up late. One of the reasons I first took the over night job. Figured if I’m already up I might as well get paid. Stupidity. For those of us who know. There is a difference between staying up all night watching movies and staying up all night killing yourself. Things only got worse from there. Because I let them. I let the fear seep into my soul to the point that I craved it like a drug.

There were nights. There are still nights that I relapse. That my mind digs in deep to the fear and madness. I have nights that I fear that I won’t wake up. Close my eyes and this, that was it. I fear the idea that I won’t be able to see my daughter grow up or that I won’t see my wife ever again. I fear their lose and their pain of not having me there as much as I fear the same for myself. I fear that I’ve wasted too much time doing nothing when I could have been doing more for them. For myself. It is a cycle that some nights I can not break and because of it I don’t sleep. My fear of death is irrational.

I fear these things because I will miss them. Because I am awake. Because I am here. But I’ll be dead so I won’t even know that I am missing them. I won’t know what or how they feel or what they are doing. It is not as though once I’m dead and gone I will have feeling or thought. But the fear tells me no this is not how it will be. I should be thinking selfishly, but I can’t about this. I know that they will be fine without me. I also know neither would ever say it or at least I hope. They are two strong and amazing women. They don’t need me but in truth I need them.  This rationalization doesn’t wipe away the fear because what if?  What if I am stuck on the sidelines missing every moment? Missing every chance to tell them I love them once again? What if there is a heaven and a hell?

Personally I don’t care if either or both of them exist. Either place could only be one in the same with different surroundings. Neither place would contain the things I will miss the most in this world. A fascinating fact that I can’t out run, can’t find comfort in, but only dread. Stoking the flames of my fears. There could be something else beyond life but it would only torture me with the thought that I am missing so much once again. That all of this was for nothing. Honestly when I die I want there to be nothing. I hope there is nothing. I want to rest for the first time in my life I’d like to rest. As I grow old I hope for immortality, I hope for more time to avoid all this what if, though the older I get the more I know it isn’t so. Do I fear death? Sort of, but really I fear growing old. 

 

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Nothing Like The Last Minute

Free Fall Into the Ground

Blurred lines between what is real
What I believe
Smoked too much today
Coughing up blood, coughing up a lung
Three more than maybe put them down
Given up on love because it gave up on me
A light burns on in the distance
Wonder if this is all that has come to be
End of the road, but I still see more signs
Can’t read the words
Know that they’re there from the blurred lines
Still waiting for the fun
The best years of my life and all that shit
Might have left it all behind without knowing 
Knowing may have been half the battle
Still stuck in the middle with no one after all
Miss my enemies more than missing you
Blurred lines of dreams and consciousness
Used to know which part of this life was real
Feels so fake it makes me sick
Given in too much has made me weak
Brought down off my cloud with a free fall to the ground
Never more satisfied than with my own death
Still breathing, fuck it all in the end

 

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As the title says this was very last minute… lost track of time… I thought I would try a new logo out… it feels too big… a little redundant as well… by now… at some point… you could have probably guessed that this was written by me… Layne Ambrose… as it is my website… can’t win them all… hopefully I will have some new logos up pretty soon… maybe some that don’t state the obvious… no promises… be back on Wednesday with another exciting edition of Broken Thoughts… and maybe some news… at the rate in which I am losing track of time though… who knows… 

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Bending Over to Take It… Smile… All Will Be Well…

New slavery needs a place to stay
New slavery doesn’t have anything to say
Too many problems to fit in one sentence
Too many issues to blame on one thing
We say we are holy, We don’t live in sin
Yet we worship all the worst things in man
Gluttony, Sloth, Lust, and Greed
We wonder why we have nothing
Left wondering
Get off your knees

New slavery is lost in the distractions of the day
New slavery is divided with too many things left to say
Too many people still caught up on who is gay
Too many people still caught up on race
We say we are just, We don’t except intolerance
Yet we stand against our victims, condemn them with the rest
Allow our masters to get in the way
We look to the stars for some sign of God
The answer standing next to us all along
A united front of ignorance and bliss
We say one thing but really we could give a shit
Auto correct me if I’m wrong
Mirrored repercussions, actions on repeat
No American has ever been okay with retreat
Maybe things are different, too blind to see
But won’t deny it never existed at all

Not decided purely on race or color
Money the chains of the day
Fight among the ones that should unite
Doing everything our masters want
Deception the war we’ve always fought
Step out of line and leave your place, get left behind
The times they aren’t changing only getting worse
We think we understand, believe we are so woke
But we have no idea at all
New slavery has nothing to say
So we just keep slaving away