Broken Thoughts… Fuck It… Its Your Problem… Okay Maybe Not…

Staring into the mirror
Wondering why not
The blade pressed up against me
Not sure why lately I’m not
Anti-lobotomy
Driven crazy, fucked at the thought
Common sense doesn’t mean shit
Drowning in my own life
Suffocating at the thought
That all of this must keep going on

 

Who put me in charge of anything
God doesn’t have a sense of humor
Fuck off
Gave me my own thing to destroy
Said look
I fucked up but here is your chance
To do the same thing
A running joke, that makes no sense
Drinking to try and forget
What I was even trying to do
Slash the wrists long enough
Something is bound to happen
Parenting not that far off
Smashing my head against a wall
Just makes sense
At this point

Purpose in life to die
Sad fucking state of existence
Fighting it every day
Winning
Where is the balance
When is just keeps fucking coming
Where is the savior we’ve been waiting on

Lost and it is just a thought
A rotting of the fucking brain
All there is
All there ever was
Was you and me
Let me be the first to say
I’m sorry

 

Dodging all the god damn knives
Finding my place in all this shit
Tortured what was your first fucking clue
Do this to myself
Smiling at the thought
What was the point all along
Breathing to breathe
Living because I was told to
Always loved you
But what was the fucking point
God or the devil does it matter?
When nothing has ever mattered
Me and you become one
Fucked yet we keep going on

 

It’s all so pointless…

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No after thought… only this…

Torture me, torture myself
Fuck you
Gave in when I knew
It was all a lie
Made you up inside my head
As real as I want it to be
Choking on a thought
Chewing on glass
Who needs a reason
When there is a why

 

Drowning myself in shit
Smiling all the way down
: )

 

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Apparently inktober is happening… makes sense.. being that it is October… anyway… check out the awesome work… my friend Little Fears is doing… Hope you enjoy… I know I have been… Haunting my dreams… turning them to nightmares… 

Throw Away Post … Before I Forget…

This is or might get weird… I’m aware that I have missed a post… and I am late on this one… the thoughts are on the wall… just trying to figure out what to say… 

Have you ever played Binding of Issac?… Fuck that game… the definition of a time fucking suck… I do it to myself… it is so fun and engaging… I get lost in it… next thing I know… hours have passed… and I’m sitting here… doing nothing but screaming at my computer… free time gone… emotions on high… and I have to wonder… what the fuck is the point of life?… 

We live to feel in engaged… to have a purpose… if I find enjoyment in the suffering… then is it really a waste of time?… Video games fuck with your mind… you are doing something… you are completing goals… you are winning… you are the best or whatever… but it don’t mean dick… worlds have actually been conquered without them… people have actually done things with their lives… the world was created without video games… and yet here we are… all of the death… all the suffering of the world… here I am screaming at a computer… because it fucked me… fuck that game… 

Okay… I’m done relating my bullshit problems to real suffering…  call it first world guilt… first world problems… I don’t care… modernization creates more problems than it solves… the boy and the fucking dam situation… the more we try to help ourselves the more we expose the main issue in  life… What to fucking do?… Why are we here?… and Why the fuck should I even bother?…  Things were once harder… yet they were easier… Mate, Feed, Kill, Repeat… simple… basic… but we are so god damn special… we are more than the animals we claim to be…

 What becomes when the equation is solved by modern convenience… that’s what I have been stuck on all weekend… who the fuck am I?… In this great a big ball of shit… Special?… fuck off… you and me have always been equal… we say oh no… they are special… no… we say they are great… we say they are our heroes… no… no… we are the same… it has always come down to what we believe… It is all enough to make you go fucking crazy… it is enough that it take over your whole weekend… a life time wondering… why I even open my fucking eyes… 

To play fucking Binding of Issac… to fucking lose… we find pain in failure… embarrassment… truth is… failure is life… what a shitty fucking joke… doesn’t change the facts… fake it until you make… fail until you master it… a slap in the face… a wake up call to the dead… flying by the seat of your pants… is how they tell you not to live… yet how did they get there in the first place?… head against a wall… going crazy… playing Binding of Issac… until I have won?…. 

 

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Wir haben Angst und sind allein…

Recently, well two days ago I finally got around to reading a comic called The Dead Hand.  (The graphic novel doesn’t come out until Oct. But if you are into history and comics. I can’t suggest this enough. It is well worth the preorder.) The Dead Hand tells a fictional story that takes place during the Cold War. A time where the United States, the world really didn’t know what was going to happen. I am going to do my best to say what I have to say without giving away much of the story. 

The genesis of the idea behind this story is the idea that Russia made an A.I. system that could detect an American threat. Once the threat was received the system was programmed to retaliate without hesitation, without thought. Being a comic of course it is filled with exciting things, not plausible things, fiction, but the odd thing was the fiction wasn’t the unbelievable part of the story. The fiction actually made more sense than the truth of the matter. I believe that is why it has stuck with me for the past two days.

See it wasn’t that Russia developed a complex A.I. system or the fact that they developed it before the 90’s. Before the fall of the U.S.S.R. they were somehow able to develop a system more advanced than what we have even today. That wasn’t mind-blowing to me, at all. No, it was the thought behind its creation that seems so out of this world, so fictional. The truth in all of this is that during the Cold War. The United States and Russia were more than ready to destroy the world. Not one another. That would make sense. That would be easy to process, but instead they were ready to destroy the world. The selfishness of the situation seems unreal. Then I have to stop. I have to look around and that’s when I realize. It is right on point for who we are as humans.

I find myself questioning what it means to be American often. I want to jump to the conclusion that we are everything everyone says we are, but I also like to believe that we are not. The reality is that it has nothing to do with where you are from. Any nation, any thing under a microscope will reveal things we did know where there. Things we may not have wanted to know. It is easy to point At the United States or Russia and say they are evil. They have done evil things. Evil intentions. In actually as fucked up as the Cold War was and it was pretty fucked up. It gave us more than we could have known. It gave us this among other things. The internet, which we use everyday. Both good and bad. Some of us use it for what it was intended to be used for and some use it to hurt others. That isn’t nation based. That is human. As much as I want to say that so and so is the enemy to the human race. The reality is that we are the enemy of the human race. We do this to each other. For no reason at all.

Last night there was a shooting a street down from where I live. It was a drive by. Bullets ripped through steel, through flesh and blood, and now two people lay in the hospital. The shooting was drug related as these things seem to be as of late. Probably fighting over territory. For shit that was never really there’s to begin with and as I snatch my daughter from the couch. Press her body to the floor and I try to figure what the fuck is even happening. As I lay over her body to protect her I think what is this really all for? Hours later I am left with the same feeling. I wait for what I know is going to come. More shots echo outside of my home. The thing is there are always retaliation shots. No one gets shot, shot at and thinks, “Where did I fuck up?” 

Despite putting over twenty rounds into the strangers down the street so far they have lived. I couldn’t be more upset at the fact. I shouldn’t feel that way. I should be happy. Feel as though every life is precious, but instead I am left feeling like a monster.  Of course there will be retaliation. There will be retribution. It won’t be tonight or tomorrow, but it will come. How long until someone else is left feeling like me as they hold their child in fear or worse? Because that is how we are. A nuclear apocalypse or a bullet. What’s the difference? A nation or a person what is the difference? To be human at times is fucking sick. 

 

 

 

(The title is from a German band known as Rammstein from their song Engel. It says, “We are afraid and alone.” Or at least that is what Google told me.)

Shorter Is Always Better…

Only Way This Ends

Weak against the strong
The current will carry us all
How your treat one
Will determine how we fall
Weak against the strong
The current situation affects us all
The weak verses the strong
The weak against the strong
Who will kill us all

 

Five More Minutes

Running out of things to say
Might be time to take a break
And run away
A way from the guilt
All the pain
Times are tough even
With a mind full of shit to say
Wish it all could go away
Treated, medicated the time has passed
Forgetting, forgiveness it all couldn’t last
Can’t let go of the past
Dreading the future of all things left
Predicting predictions full of shit
Time last forever in my head

 

Chewing On Glass Logo

Chewing On Glass

Going retro with the logo today… Which despite being done by the amazing artist… Jock… doesn’t really fit the whole aesthetic of what I’m trying to do here… then again what the fuck am I doing here?… haha… also I don’t own the rights to the art… though I did at more blood… pixel by pixel… okay I added five red squares of blood and then said fuck it… I think I am still legally protected by fair use laws… (I’m not sure… but if I had to guess… I am not protected at all…)

So why am I talking about old logos?… well lately I have been thinking of revamping the website… adding more pages… more logos… some other shit… which got me thinking about making short films and GIFs… because that’s how my brain works… and because I don’t have enough shit to avoid at the moment… really I just want more blood… lots of blood… like the scene in the Shining… 

blood wall

My favorite part about this movie… and this scene… is when the blood splashes against the white wall… I looked for a longer GIF… but this was the best one… the chaos of it all… sends shivers done my spine… shivers of excitement… hopefully I am retreading on facts you already know… but Kubrick was somehow able to convince the ratings board at the time… that all that red was rusty water… that to me alone is insane… great film if you haven’t seen it… you should… “I’m not going to hurt cha”….

Anyway… more blood… that is where this was going… more blood… darker images… and a thousand more broken promises… things to look forward to… on Chewing On Glass… 

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Bending Over to Take It… Smile… All Will Be Well…

New slavery needs a place to stay
New slavery doesn’t have anything to say
Too many problems to fit in one sentence
Too many issues to blame on one thing
We say we are holy, We don’t live in sin
Yet we worship all the worst things in man
Gluttony, Sloth, Lust, and Greed
We wonder why we have nothing
Left wondering
Get off your knees

New slavery is lost in the distractions of the day
New slavery is divided with too many things left to say
Too many people still caught up on who is gay
Too many people still caught up on race
We say we are just, We don’t except intolerance
Yet we stand against our victims, condemn them with the rest
Allow our masters to get in the way
We look to the stars for some sign of God
The answer standing next to us all along
A united front of ignorance and bliss
We say one thing but really we could give a shit
Auto correct me if I’m wrong
Mirrored repercussions, actions on repeat
No American has ever been okay with retreat
Maybe things are different, too blind to see
But won’t deny it never existed at all

Not decided purely on race or color
Money the chains of the day
Fight among the ones that should unite
Doing everything our masters want
Deception the war we’ve always fought
Step out of line and leave your place, get left behind
The times they aren’t changing only getting worse
We think we understand, believe we are so woke
But we have no idea at all
New slavery has nothing to say
So we just keep slaving away

 

Silently Screaming

Rage of Hope (People with No Face)

Must make myself
Better
Must make myself
Beautiful
Must make myself
Needed
Scars across my face
Broken glass for teeth
Maggots crawl through my eyes
Not enough to despise (death’s embrace)

Must make myself something
More
Must make myself into something
Desirable
Must make myself feel
Whole
Embalming fluid in my veins
Sinister smile across my face
Broken nails in each vertebrae
Not enough (death’s embrace)

Must make myself
Better
Must make myself
Beautiful
Must make myself
Useful
Into a whore
Into more
Embrace deception
Become the lie
Never enough
Never whole
Always more

Death holding me down
The ground so wet
The world such a threat
Bleeding conscience
Pumping embers into my heart
Why does it have to hurt
Why does it have to matter so much
Death dances all around me
Death’s embrace closest thing to love

The ground trembles for fear of life
The world in a silent spin
Bleeding to live
No one cared enough to listen to me
No one cared why should they
Becoming something better than this
What it is they want me to be

Why does it have to hurt
Why does it have to matter so much

Death is nothing more than a change
Death’s embrace, Death’s last whisper
Silently screaming
All I am worth 
My beauty, my body, who I am on the outside
A life made up of uselessness
Finding purpose in nothing
Am I better now
Am I beautiful now
Am I whole now
That I know where I belong

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I don’t normally explain my poems… I feel it is up to the reader to decide what the words means… like a fucked up version of reading tea leaves… this one is a little different… This one I did that for myself… I found this poem in my notes… originally it was about me… selfish as I am… but as I was reading it… it reminded me of someone else… the whole thing took on a different meaning for me… you may have noticed the shift about midway through the poem… 

This poem reminded me of a woman I used to work with years and years ago… We were friends then… it was a weird time… I was too self-absorbed in my own bullshit to really process what it was that she was telling me… the short and private version of this story is that she was raped… But that wasn’t what stuck with me… it was her lack of caring about what had happened to her… I asked her if she reported it… and all she projected was this attitude that it didn’t matter… this kind of thing happens all the time… for the record it does and it shouldn’t… she was trying to be a model… was a model… she isn’t the type of person I normally hang out with… “someone who cares only about their looks”… like I said it was a weird time… 

I was young and I was stupid… I didn’t see beyond her looks… I judged her just like the rest of the world… thought she was full of emptiness… but really she was full of pain… same as me… we hung out a few times… but I couldn’t stand the fact that she would agree with everything I said… a trait I contributed to stupidity… a coping mechanism… I didn’t understand at the time… a fear that she didn’t have to convey around me… I wasn’t interested in hurting her… but when anyone can be the enemy… when anyone could hurt you… much easier to go along… to the point that you don’t even exist… we lost touch when I got a new job… part-time friends… her story still stuck with me…

 

Lemonade and Glass Goes On… Are You Listening?…

 

Day 1 and Day 2… or the last few months… 

Hello peeps! Yep, we are trying to post these a little more frequently. Wish us luck and enjoy our songs for this week.

Lemons

It is that time once again to add tracks to this monster list we are creating…

My new tracks… (Glass)

  1. All You Ever Wanted- The Black Keys
  2. All Night- Icona Pop
  3. Silenced- Mudvayne
  4. Wave of Mutilation- Pixies
  5. Cookie Thumper- Die Antwoord

Lemon’s new tracks (Lemons)

  1. Living Dead Girl – Rob Zombie
  2. Violent Pornography – System Of A Down
  3. Heart-Shaped Box – Nirvana
  4. Wicked Sensitive Crew – Dropkick Murphy’s
  5. Already Gone – Powderfinger

 

All Night by Icona Pop (Glass)

I noticed on my last set of songs I chose a lot of similar sounding or genre songs so, this month I decided to add more diversity… because really that is how I listen to music… all over the place…

What an Icona Pop song choice from the asshole with blood on everything?… yeah… I’m actually a big fan… I don’t know why… because I’m broken?… no idea… but this track I do know why I like it… It reminds me of my good friend Mel… or Melon… “We always dreamed about this better life”… and one day it will happen or it won’t but at least we have each other… 

 

Living Dead Girl by Rob Zombie (Lemons)

I have this very vivid section of my life. I remember I spent most of my time either wandering around the bush out the back or in my room reading and listening to music. 1998… I lived for the Bride Of Chucky soundtrack. This was my intro to Rob Zombie and many other artists. I would have actually picked another track from this album but it wasn’t on Spotify.  I could so easily just go back to this part of my life and relive it over and over again. Not because anything really amazing happened, but because it was just … nice. Little Lemons loved her creepy fantasy books and horror movies… oh, how times have changed….

This song also makes me car dance like a mofo. “Who is this irresistible creature who has an insatiable lust for the dead?”

(Don’t mean to steal your thunder… But I also love this video… this one and Dragula… any of his videos though…Glass) 

 

Silenced by Mudvayne (Glass)

This track is one of the few off their second album that I enjoyed and by the time their third album came out I was no longer a fan of them… they got insanely popular with the track Happy and I found myself pretending I never even heard of them… Their first album L.D. 50 is still one of the best albums I have ever heard…(Tracks to check out… ProdNothing to Gein… and Under My Skin…) I still listen to this album daily… the bass and drums on this track are amazing… and the lyrics are relatable… I love the use of silence in this track as well… “Listen here”… “I feel God damn nothing”… “Fuck you and everything you are”…

 

Violent Pornography by System of a Down (Lemons)

Shit, I love this song. Vulgarity steeped in that “Fuck the man” thing that System loves so much, it is just so damn good. Every time I listen to System of a Down, I find myself trying to test myself, trying to twist my lips and tongue around the words in the quick, rubbery way they do.

I listened to this album every day, in the car, to and from work for… too long. And I am still not sick of it. And this is one of those songs where part of me wants to turn it down because of the level of offensiveness, but the majority of me, the winning majority, just thinks… nah… and keeps singing.

 

That’s it for me this week… I guess you could say that I am silenced…

 

I, however, am not silenced. Which is no surprise to anyone. I think every time we post one of these it will be its own thing. I am not exactly the most consistent person. But, they will all have good music.

Lemons

 

 

Check back next Sunday when we finish out this list… in the meantime… enjoy the music… 

Ambrose (Glass)