Will It Ever Rain Again?…

Dragging The Lake For Things I Already Know

Taking it out on me, I get it
Shut your mouth, where do I begin?
Carving out a likeness in stone
A distance within reach
I see you, but did you ever see me?
Selfish, what isn’t about me
Selfless, tearing flesh from bone
A theme as of late, collecting all the things
Take inventory of every scorn
Each slight against one another
The silence speaks more than the screaming
Thought you were my brother, couldn’t be more wrong
As much as I am right
I hear what you are saying
But fuck you anyway
If you couldn’t fucking tell
I am hurting
Maybe one day you could forgive
Whatever it is that I did
Without knowing, until then let the war
Let all this shit continue
I’ll be waiting as I always have

Expecting me to say sorry
You should know already
God forgives not me
Hate me if you must
But know I’ll be waiting
Anger will fade
Maybe the pain stays the same
Not always right, never willing to admit the truth
I’m only human
Said all I am willing to say

 

Tear You Apart

Drag your soul through hell
What part of I will
Love you forever
Do you not understand
Sinking nails into your brain
Filling your thoughts with so much pain
The words don’t always mean the same
Forgettable and lame
My love will always be the same
An endless devotion to killing you
How can you not understand
What I mean when I say
I love you

 

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These were… are personal… one is about a friend… another about… well love and what it really means… our partners are something special… I’m stealing this next thought from somewhere… but we just download all this shit onto others… fuck it… I don’t want it… you can have it… right… wrong… how it is… there is only so much shit that we can stand… harbor… endure… relationships are more important than we know… correction… healthy relationships are more important than we know… 

Sometimes we take advantage of situations that we are in… the people we really love… it is easy to do… are we monsters?… or we human?… it really depends… in most cases we are human… we are being selfish… being ourselves… that’s when it is time to take a step back… realize we can’t always be right… and we can’t always be wrong… it takes a stronger person to admit they are wrong… than the asshole screaming we are right… but when you are right you are right… confusing I know… life is inherently confusing… life at times can seem like shit… 

If you don’t know by now… We take advantage of the people we love the most… because it is easy… because they are already there… every one loves the chase… loves the feeling of getting to know someone new… but being the one… the one who is always there… it isn’t fun… it is essential… there is a balance to all of this shit called life… no one can tell you how to be… when to step back… when to not be selfish… no one can tell you what to do… but if you want to suffer… that’s your fucking problem… that’s a shit thing to say… but life is shit… step back and look at everything… if all fails… fight the war… but know that war… anger… hate… should always be the very last thing anyone should do… there is no shame in coinciding… there is no shame and being like yeah I was fucking wrong… you are not the center of the universe at all times… 

No one ever said being human was fucking easy… if they did… they lied through their fucking teeth… you know what is right and what is wrong… God or no God… you know… I think it is time… time we trying being the best person we can be… no violence… no hate… find yourself frustrated… take a step back rather than a step forward… understand we are all in pain… we are all suffering… and you know what… we are all in this together… today might be the greatest day of your life… but for someone else it might be the worst day they could ever live… respect the balance… be a descent person not because it is right… but because that the way you would want to be treated… be selfish by being selfless… see how it feels… if I’m wrong… I’m fucking wrong… at least you tried… I respect that… 

 

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Throw Away Post … Before I Forget…

This is or might get weird… I’m aware that I have missed a post… and I am late on this one… the thoughts are on the wall… just trying to figure out what to say… 

Have you ever played Binding of Issac?… Fuck that game… the definition of a time fucking suck… I do it to myself… it is so fun and engaging… I get lost in it… next thing I know… hours have passed… and I’m sitting here… doing nothing but screaming at my computer… free time gone… emotions on high… and I have to wonder… what the fuck is the point of life?… 

We live to feel in engaged… to have a purpose… if I find enjoyment in the suffering… then is it really a waste of time?… Video games fuck with your mind… you are doing something… you are completing goals… you are winning… you are the best or whatever… but it don’t mean dick… worlds have actually been conquered without them… people have actually done things with their lives… the world was created without video games… and yet here we are… all of the death… all the suffering of the world… here I am screaming at a computer… because it fucked me… fuck that game… 

Okay… I’m done relating my bullshit problems to real suffering…  call it first world guilt… first world problems… I don’t care… modernization creates more problems than it solves… the boy and the fucking dam situation… the more we try to help ourselves the more we expose the main issue in  life… What to fucking do?… Why are we here?… and Why the fuck should I even bother?…  Things were once harder… yet they were easier… Mate, Feed, Kill, Repeat… simple… basic… but we are so god damn special… we are more than the animals we claim to be…

 What becomes when the equation is solved by modern convenience… that’s what I have been stuck on all weekend… who the fuck am I?… In this great a big ball of shit… Special?… fuck off… you and me have always been equal… we say oh no… they are special… no… we say they are great… we say they are our heroes… no… no… we are the same… it has always come down to what we believe… It is all enough to make you go fucking crazy… it is enough that it take over your whole weekend… a life time wondering… why I even open my fucking eyes… 

To play fucking Binding of Issac… to fucking lose… we find pain in failure… embarrassment… truth is… failure is life… what a shitty fucking joke… doesn’t change the facts… fake it until you make… fail until you master it… a slap in the face… a wake up call to the dead… flying by the seat of your pants… is how they tell you not to live… yet how did they get there in the first place?… head against a wall… going crazy… playing Binding of Issac… until I have won?…. 

 

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Bending Over to Take It… Smile… All Will Be Well…

New slavery needs a place to stay
New slavery doesn’t have anything to say
Too many problems to fit in one sentence
Too many issues to blame on one thing
We say we are holy, We don’t live in sin
Yet we worship all the worst things in man
Gluttony, Sloth, Lust, and Greed
We wonder why we have nothing
Left wondering
Get off your knees

New slavery is lost in the distractions of the day
New slavery is divided with too many things left to say
Too many people still caught up on who is gay
Too many people still caught up on race
We say we are just, We don’t except intolerance
Yet we stand against our victims, condemn them with the rest
Allow our masters to get in the way
We look to the stars for some sign of God
The answer standing next to us all along
A united front of ignorance and bliss
We say one thing but really we could give a shit
Auto correct me if I’m wrong
Mirrored repercussions, actions on repeat
No American has ever been okay with retreat
Maybe things are different, too blind to see
But won’t deny it never existed at all

Not decided purely on race or color
Money the chains of the day
Fight among the ones that should unite
Doing everything our masters want
Deception the war we’ve always fought
Step out of line and leave your place, get left behind
The times they aren’t changing only getting worse
We think we understand, believe we are so woke
But we have no idea at all
New slavery has nothing to say
So we just keep slaving away

 

Silently Screaming

Rage of Hope (People with No Face)

Must make myself
Better
Must make myself
Beautiful
Must make myself
Needed
Scars across my face
Broken glass for teeth
Maggots crawl through my eyes
Not enough to despise (death’s embrace)

Must make myself something
More
Must make myself into something
Desirable
Must make myself feel
Whole
Embalming fluid in my veins
Sinister smile across my face
Broken nails in each vertebrae
Not enough (death’s embrace)

Must make myself
Better
Must make myself
Beautiful
Must make myself
Useful
Into a whore
Into more
Embrace deception
Become the lie
Never enough
Never whole
Always more

Death holding me down
The ground so wet
The world such a threat
Bleeding conscience
Pumping embers into my heart
Why does it have to hurt
Why does it have to matter so much
Death dances all around me
Death’s embrace closest thing to love

The ground trembles for fear of life
The world in a silent spin
Bleeding to live
No one cared enough to listen to me
No one cared why should they
Becoming something better than this
What it is they want me to be

Why does it have to hurt
Why does it have to matter so much

Death is nothing more than a change
Death’s embrace, Death’s last whisper
Silently screaming
All I am worth 
My beauty, my body, who I am on the outside
A life made up of uselessness
Finding purpose in nothing
Am I better now
Am I beautiful now
Am I whole now
That I know where I belong

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I don’t normally explain my poems… I feel it is up to the reader to decide what the words means… like a fucked up version of reading tea leaves… this one is a little different… This one I did that for myself… I found this poem in my notes… originally it was about me… selfish as I am… but as I was reading it… it reminded me of someone else… the whole thing took on a different meaning for me… you may have noticed the shift about midway through the poem… 

This poem reminded me of a woman I used to work with years and years ago… We were friends then… it was a weird time… I was too self-absorbed in my own bullshit to really process what it was that she was telling me… the short and private version of this story is that she was raped… But that wasn’t what stuck with me… it was her lack of caring about what had happened to her… I asked her if she reported it… and all she projected was this attitude that it didn’t matter… this kind of thing happens all the time… for the record it does and it shouldn’t… she was trying to be a model… was a model… she isn’t the type of person I normally hang out with… “someone who cares only about their looks”… like I said it was a weird time… 

I was young and I was stupid… I didn’t see beyond her looks… I judged her just like the rest of the world… thought she was full of emptiness… but really she was full of pain… same as me… we hung out a few times… but I couldn’t stand the fact that she would agree with everything I said… a trait I contributed to stupidity… a coping mechanism… I didn’t understand at the time… a fear that she didn’t have to convey around me… I wasn’t interested in hurting her… but when anyone can be the enemy… when anyone could hurt you… much easier to go along… to the point that you don’t even exist… we lost touch when I got a new job… part-time friends… her story still stuck with me…

 

Broken Reality

This is something I would only say to my best friend, but since that is you and since you aren’t you anymore. I have to feel. I have to live as though I am alone. I see you every day. Walking by me as if this is all normal. Walking by me like everything is okay. The hardest part wasn’t what happened. Yes, that was a lot of shit to just take in. The hardest part. The thing I can’t say to you or talk about with you. Has everything to do with you and nothing to do with you. It’s why I can only say it to my best friend, someone I trust, and not whatever this is. The hardest part of all of this. Is going from thinking I’m spending the rest of my life with this one person to I hope I never have to see them again. Seeing you every day is a constant reminder of these feelings that won’t go away. Pretending to smile feels like a thousand knives. Lying when you ask what’s wrong feels like another part of me is dying.

None of this matters. All words that can’t be said. That don’t need to be said. All words locked inside my head. Replaying them over and over again.

The ashes they burn
The hell I have created heats up
Something needs to happen
None of the answers are acceptable
The tears as real as the pain
Forever escaping me, not an option
Your opinion on the events
Broken train of thought
Broken life I have to live
Shattered into nothing
Left chewing on what’s left
What is left when all hope is gone?
A long time coming, slow-moving
Slow to act, now left with the damned
The truth will set you free
The truth will leave you in a shallow grave
Life is a waste, built on past mistakes
Far worse than death, a sentence pierced into my head
If only I could think of anything else
Anything beyond the nothingness
So lost that it hurts
When you think this could be the best
When you think this could be the worst
Hold tight, the undertow is only a thing
Until it takes a hold
Drags you deeper and deeper
Open your eyes
Then you can see, clearly, this is all there ever was for you
Pain

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This is going to be a long month… a long lifetime…purging myself of all this shit… figuring out who I am again… rebuilding a broken corpse of a man once again…  been keeping busy… okay… I have been busy staring at a wall… feeling sorry for myself… hopefully, that will all be done soon… in the meantime… prepare for a lot of heartbreak… 

Still, have shirts up on Threadless… didn’t get around to designing any new ones like I had hoped… books still available on Amazon… Until next time… take care… and remember nothing is forever… so enjoy it… whatever it is… while it lasts… 

Not Much Left To Say

Dress all in black to match my shadow
Fit into my skin, stretched out and hollow
Wash away my sins
When there’s no way left to win
Bleeding me dry to exist
So tired of throwing the same old fit
Most days wish I did not exist
Suicide is pointless when no one gives a shit
The world works so unlike the mind
Lost in time, stuck in place
Who I am, Who I want to be
Sell my soul, nothing left to sell though
The devil makes deals than God must as well
No one, nothing safe from sin and corruption
Sex sells, cheaply given away, cast aside
Question everything ever presented to me
What am I worth if I’ve felt worthless along
Attacking my own mind, my own worst enemy
Hidden behind my eyes
Poisoning my own self to feel like the rest
Who needs a shepherd when we have ourselves
Conforming but don’t know what for
Too much shit on my mind and none of it matters at this time
Sixteen days, sixteen years what’s the difference
When it all slips away
I feel so naked without a place to go
Life in boxes, moving pictures with poor resolution
I wanted so much now there is so much left that I do not want
Contradictions become constricting
Venomous snake wrapped around my neck
The noose is alive and well as I begin to sweat
Sticky, sweet flesh of flesh
Bone to bone, I don’t think I have much left to lose
If I gave you enough reasons
Would all of this make any sense
Lost in the words
Lost in time
Space is an abstract thought
We all have to rationalize
This land is your land
Until I take it back
A worthless idea
Propagated the demand
For something free

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I know that it is Thursday… I know I’m supposed to talk out of my ass about some topic I barely understand or relate too… But I haven’t really been in the mood… sucks because there have been some pretty crazy topics as of late… Like how Facebook knows more about me than my own mother… honestly they might know more about me than I do… feel kind of bad for them… too bad they couldn’t take these broken feeling out of my mind… their recent ads at least tell me they are trying… With a Nailgun and a Few Boards… isn’t a half bad title for a book… haha… I kid… how am I supposed to put the last nail in?… not logical at all… oh well…

Then there are the school walkouts… good for them… wish we would have been smart enough to do that sooner… this next generation is something else… agree or disagree with their reasons… you have to admit… it takes a lot to make a stand… is there anything more American?… besides suppression?…

Teachers asking for more money… they deserve it… anyone willing to make our lives better… deserves more money… at least some food stamps… or free housing… something… I mean I am willing to do just about anything… but teach children?… maybe in hell… well my dark thoughts just washed away… life is good.. keep smiling… and give them some more damn money… 

Update… Lemons and I are really behind on Lemonade and Glass… We have both been going through a lot… not with each other… but separately… that’s all that needs to be said about that really… I mean I’ve been busy trying to drown myself in my own tears… so far it hasn’t worked… fingers crossed… and she has been busy being an awesome person… we are trying to cover the spectrum of life right now… we are kicking ass at that… But hopefully, I can read her last email and start setting up the next installments next month… not really sure when I will be getting myself out of this bathtub… What did you think I was using a glass?… I’m not that smart… But you had to know that by now… 

In the meantime… here is a music video instead of my usual sad shitty sales pitch… links are at the top… I think… I really need to get out of the house… or at least the bathroom… 

Broken Thoughts

Her pain is internal, long lasting, and forever. It is a constant as rich as her words. Nothing seems to make her happy anymore. She is lost. In a place, I can no longer find. It is as though from time to time she has an out of body experience. An external meltdown where she is no longer here or there.

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I’m writing this from my grave
It’s in my head but that’s okay
Some days I wish it would all go away
Others for it to never end
Blessing and a curse
I just don’t understand why it has to hurt
The writing is on the wall
But I’m happy to watch it all fall
Sliding down into the abyss
A long dark descent into shit
Blessing and a curse
I just don’t understand why it has to be this way
The words are sprawled against my chest
But I’m happy to watch it all settle in
“We spend most of our lives just glancing. Glancing at the thought or idea of something better.”

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Promoting something… Promoting my soul… Promoting something I don’t know…