Watching The World Go By… In Ever Passing Moments…

The Plan

Feelings disappear into the light
Faded but always there
Moments in time seems to last forever
Seconds of thought, a lifetime of regret
Decisions made that can’t be undone
Another day in the life of someone else
Too afraid to take a step
Backwards or forwards there is nothing left
Feelings reappearing every night
Haunting me from the shadows
Crosses burning, signaling a fight
A struggle so unreal that it has to be real life
A thought that doesn’t cross empty minds
Time has a way or remaining all the same
People don’t change only the time and place
Lost in a cycle that can’t possibly end
Given up only to just begin
Suffering was always the ultimate plan

 

Mapping out how I would feel
Planning every occurrence that makes this unreal
A desperation so pure
A rotting life left with no cure

 

cropped-website-logo.jpg

Short post today… I’m not feeling today at all… which is an odd way to say that I am feeling too much… too many thoughts to make any sense… ever passing moment… there is a war inside my head… a battle to keep going on… versus a force that says lay down and die… dig a hole and crawl in… ever passing moment… self-destruction was never my thing… only a dream… locked inside my head… “Want to destroy something beautiful”… what is it that I want to destroy?… when I’m so ugly… scared… broken… the surface still… calm… chaos hidden from view… tearing my throat out… won’t shut up… tearing my soul to pieces… can’t give up… some part of me… still in here… in some way… waiting out the storm… ever passing moment… I’m only trying to live… 

 

Threadless… Shirts… Amazon… Books… Etsy… Art... Twitter… Broken Thoughts

 

“This chicken is really spicy!!!”… My daughter… made me smile when I wanted to cry… all I added was a hint of pepper… little things that make no sense… change of mood… love her… even if I don’t love myself… comforting to know I love at all… 

Chewing On Glass… Year 2… Burning Down The House…

“Burning down the house while listening to Purple Rain. I set that mother fucker ablaze. An end to an era. An end to everything. We speak in broken records. Broken words that never make any sense. We drown our sorrows in pain. Choking on a glass of suffering. It all came to me once I understood the meaning of everything. Chewing on glass may never be the same. Screaming our please and thank yous. Were we ever normal to begin with? A life time in the making. A life time left to go. Where things go from here. Only the Devil and I know. “

“So, basically you are just going to ramp up the crazy from here on out?” She asks.

“Yeah, pretty much,” I say with a twisted smile.

 

I know what I am saying is ignorant
World’s based on ignorant themes
Fitting in was never easy
Taking the step off the bus into the darkness
Early morning thoughts only keep me mourning
Everything around me
Society or a group of assholes?

 

Sifting through the cold ashes of everything I know
Watching it all burn was a freedom you can’t control

 

Carving your name into bone
Don’t want to forget what I’m searching for
Really I just want to go home
So sick of only seeing your voice
Hearing your smile
Been so long since I found out
What it means to be ripped inside out

 

How do you do this?
Look to you for strength
As I stare into the abyss
That is my obsession and wonder
How do you do this to yourself?
For everyone else?
Wondering how I could be you
The strongest person I know
Weak and insecure
Kill myself if it wasn’t for you
Destroy everything 
If I didn’t think I could be you
How weak can I be
To dream of being someone who isn’t me
My love turns to admiration
One day I will become
Everything you’ve ever loved
Defining definition of everything
That has become my mission
(For My Mother)

 

“That is the best thing you haven’t said all day.”
Abigail Zaveri, The Reason Of All Things

 

cropped-website-logo.jpg

Been sitting on a lot of this for a while… felt good to get it off my chest… well out of my head… free up some space for other things… I should make a new logo for this year… I always come up with all of these ideas at the last second… this is why I need an editor… or an agent to point me in the right direction… 

My new obsession lately is building bird houses out of scrap wood… wire… and other random things that I find… when I finish the one I am working on… I will post pictures…

There is still time to get in any questions you may have… tonight or early next morning… still unsure how time works in the world… is the dead line… hopefully there will be enough or it is going to get really weird up in here… not really much of a threat… might happen anyway… one can hope… 

 

Threadless… Shirts… Amazon… Books… Etsy… Art… Twitter… Broken Thoughts… 

 

Broken Thoughts… Best Part Of The Day…

So stupid and simple
Seems pointless to even mention
I wanted all of this, no, needed maybe
The cuts they sting and the skin itches
Who am I without the pain
Don’t think I will ever know 
Ever understand
Until the end
So simple and sad
To think that this was all there ever was

 

A girl already knows it
How much more of this I can take
Broken down and left for dead
A woman already knows
How much more of this I can take
Plotting and planning the revenge

 

Dark and lonely is the night
Keeping time with the halogen lights in the sky
No sleep for three more days
Lost my mind, did it to myself
Hearing voices in the night
Scarring myself against the light
Broken bones and burned out lungs
They call me to come closer
Hidden in the darkness
The chanting never seems to go away
What is it that I have become
A monster, a singular being of existence
Tell myself all will be okay
But what is it that I’ve known all along
Digging deeper, their voices become silent
Eventually they all leave me
Leave me alone to deal with myself

 

Breaking my spirit for nothing to gain
How it must feel to be like you
Where does one go to become like you
Dragging my feet through hell
Because I have nothing else to do
Savoring every moment of this drawn out death
Blacken lung you’ve taken out all the fun
Breaking the chain that binds me to you
One long umbilical cord straight to the heart
Taken enough abuse to last a lifetime in this place

 

Turns Out

The ground gives out, words become worthless
Turns out flat earth people were right
The sky opens up, a hand reaches down
Turns out God isn’t a lie after all
A visual landscape of hell, everything thought was worthless
Turns out the devil was me all along
Created madness with sin, where does one begin
Turns out a verbal history is about giving in
The seas will rise, fall beneath the cracks in the ground
Turns out global warming was a myth
The air gets thinner up here, standing at sea level
Turns out space was never the answer
A visual representation of nothing at all
Turns out the games we play were playing us all along
Living a lie has always had its purpose
Too bad the meaning was worthless
Nothing you have ever said has been right
Your actions steeping in Sin
Who are we to decide where this all begins
Turns out we never existed after all

 

THREADLESS… SHIRTS... AMAZON… BOOKS… ETSY… ART... TWITTER… THOUGHTS

Broken Thoughts… Light Edition… Or At Least I Tried*

Breaking down the walls that surround your rules
On how things are supposed to be
Nothing is supposed to be anything
How things are, are not that way at all
Time has shown us nothing
Time keeps going whether right or wrong
The rules are not the rules at all

 

Falling apart at a low speed
Coming apart at the seams?
Don’t know any more what that means

 

Fight among the ones that should unite
It is what we wanted all along
I had a dream became something ain’t right
Became everything I never wanted to be
A hypocrite, liar, shattered
Search for the answers through the ruble
We think we understand but we have no idea at all
Trapped in a world that doesn’t forgive, only forgets
Stuck in a place without a thing to say
More said the more we are driven under
Step out of line and leave your place, left behind
The times they aren’t a changing
Only coming back again
A suffocating wave of everything we’ve ever said

 

Feel free to judge, I don’t mind
Do it all the time
Explaining my thoughts
So much easier with tears in my eyes
My anger it doesn’t subside
My feelings are taking me to my grave
Smile real big, it doesn’t hurt
Does it hurt, do I care
Keep doing it anyway
With the same fucking smile craved into my face
I hate myself but more than you
Ask me again, what was the fucking question
Breaking bones, breaking souls, breaking down
How much of this is really okay to take
Prescription running low
How much more do you really need to know

 

cropped-website-logo.jpg

Well I tried to make this light… seems all I have are heavy words… for a heavy soul… unpacking all my thoughts… takes some of the weight off… allows for more to slip in though… the dark thoughts that surround me… seep into my mind… a drug… I could never quite… and believe me I have tried… digging and scratching… screaming… “I have had enough”… nothing is ever enough…

Well that got dark real quick… haha… wasn’t even trying… Speaking of dark… something to check out would be the comic… Ice Cream Man… it is so weird and out there… I’m on issue 5… still very unsure what it is about… which has me hooked… the art is really amazing… I have two of the covers on the walls of my office… I wanted to put them all up… but I have too many comics up on my walls as it is… Some other dark and odd graphic novels to check out would be Gideon Falls and Plastic… okay… I’m done staring at my walls… what kind of stuff do you have on your walls?… 

ThreadlessShirtsAmazonBooksEtsyArtTwitterThoughts
Thank you for all the support… 

Broken Thoughts

It’s been a minute…

Gave up more than I’m willing to admit
Pushed it away like it meant nothing
Lied to myself and wonder why I’m so fucked up
Liar, cheat, piece of shit
My anxiety starts right here with me
Gave away more of me then I’d like to admit
God can judge me and the devil can have me
Already knew I belonged to a worthless existence
Wish it wasn’t so easy to feel like this
Gave up so much already
How much more am I willing to give
After it is all said and done

 

Breaking up the moments of everyday life
The bitching becomes routine and only you know why

 

16 hours ago who knows where I was
But 16 hours from now I know exactly where I’ll be
Stuck here thinking about you again
Rotting brain but somehow it all seems okay
Even if the thoughts of murder, suicide, experimentation
Are deemed mildly insane
32 hours spent drowning you in your own blood
Was well worth the lack of sleep
Prison sentence, maybe not, maybe I never left
Always been locked inside my head
Sure it bothers you in some way
Completely normal
Doubt I’d ever do it, never know until you push
Not everything we think, we say
Can be normal in every way
(Completely edited and messed around with this one… more at the bottom..)

 

Picking up the pieces that are left of my life
I’m not sure how much of it can be put back in place
Spent too long thinking there was no end in sight
Neglected everything around me
My friends, my family, everything but myself
Selfishness, who I am, who I’ve always been
Excuses I tell myself to justify my actions
Unforgiving and out of touch
The pieces slip through my hands
Trail of blood, a trail of pain, a stream of consciousness
All the little fears I tell myself to get by
Smash my head into place

Bloody Words Logo

 

As promised the unedited version of that Broken Thought… Not all things start out how they were originally written… (Bold parts are the changed or omitted parts)…

16 hours ago who knows where I was
But 16 hours from now I will know exactly where I am
Stuck here thinking about you again
Rotting brain but somehow it all seems okay
Even if the thoughts of murder, suicide, experimentation
Are deemed mildly insane
What can I say not everything we think about
Can be normal in every way
Alright I know it’s not okay but it feels right
32 hours spent drowning you in your own blood
Was well worth the lack of sleep
Prison sentence, maybe not, only one way to tell
Doubt I’ll do it, but never know until you push
Sure it bothers you in some way
Feel the same if it wasn’t so normal to me
To feel this way
What can I say not everything we say
Can be normal in every way

As you can see I cut a lot of fat… changed or condensed some lines or thoughts… I also wrote a few totally new lines as well… In some ways it changes the context of the thought… but only by a little… Often in these Broken Thoughts that happens… Mostly because some of these broken pieces of thoughts are years old… I have changed… a little not much… but enough that my thoughts have changed on the matter… 

Threadless… shirts… Amazon… books… Etsy… art… until next time… enjoy your day… 

It Just Keeps Coming At Me…

Signals in the Sky

The blood is so faint
It disappears with the rest of the stains
The cracks of the floor
Each grain nothing more than a track
I can feel it’s warmth
Even as I stare
Watch it as it goes
Drips through the floor
Drips down to disappear
The blood is so dark
As though it is made of something else
Comes together to form a paste
Before drying into stains
A second skin made from inside
The time it takes
Is time I do not have
The time it doesn’t wait
Fine I guess, I suppose
If you’re not me

 

A Long Ways from Home

Driving, driven to think about all of this shit
A mountain, a hole filled with everything to lose
If I could leave would I
If any of this really mattered would I walk or stay
Ideally my ideals don’t mean much to me
Deep rooted sense of entitlement
Think I’m so much better than I really am
The writer and the gun, running out of ammunition
Thoughts seem to go on and on without making any sense
Trading one problem for another, life is troublesome
Taking everything for granted with no enjoyment of the moment
Too many words describe my failures in this life
One life wasted on shit that keeps coming
Words of wisdom wasted on a dying mass
Good plague, the right change in the wind could really go a long ways

 

cropped-website-logo.jpg

I don’t have a whole hell of a lot to say today… shocking I know… so I’m just going to unload a bunch of random songs on you… no reason… As always… things can be found at ThreadlessAmazon… and now Etsy… Maybe I should organize my comics today… that sounds mildly exciting… anyway… here are some songs to fill up your head space… hope you enjoy… 

 

 

 

 

 

Relationship Goals…

Alone

Forever alone
How long for I do not know
It is though everything has meaning
But I know it doesn’t
My blood burns like fire
Icy hot, dissolved of all desire
I want to do well
Time and place transpire
To let me know, tell me to put out the fire
Burns deep, red hot, full of flame
The words have no meaning
But hurt all the same
Forever alone
Trapped in my mind
In a place I don’t really know

 

Never Heals

The feel of it all is too big to fall
Towering empire of selfishness and despair
I know you are nothing more than unreal
We attack with the ferocity of a thousand man army
Left to die on a battlefield made of broken bodies
That does not
Will not care
Right or wrong it is about the moment
Not the idea that enrages you
Could go on
Though I already know you are dead and gone
Lifeless, a corpse I must fuck
As though this is a prize for all the years
At each other’s throat
Love is a battlefield
No, love is a massacre
Of feelings and one’s self
Self-sacrifice is just that
A slowly bleeding wound that never heals

cropped-website-logo.jpg

The first poem was going to be added on Friday… but then I went into a long ass rant about work… works out better this way… would have seemed odd to have added to the other one… trying to find the motivation to do anything right now… my daughter is still asleep… that means I have actual time to think… but as anyone with children knows… all we really want to do is sit in silence… sacrifice my self willingly… would give her anything for one more breath… but at the sake of sounding like an asshole… I’d love more than anything to sit in silence for a day… but who the fuck has that kind of time?… trying to get everything done in an hour… doesn’t feel like I’m giving you anything at all… something is better than nothing… I hope… 

Threadless… for merch…  Amazon… for even more words… Thank you for all the support… each and every day…