Chewing On Glass Presents: Actual Meaning

“I think I lost it,” he exhales. “Lost what?” She asks without facing him. “The ability to write. The ability to say anything of actual meaning,” he stares into the nothing that surrounds her. “Why do you suppose that is?” She asks as if she doesn’t care. “Because I let it rot itself out. I let it go to shit for no reason. Now it festers there with everything that I try to say. Every idea, every thought slowly rotting away at me with nothing to say,” he tries to explain. “Well can’t you get it back if it is right there. Allow yourself time to heal so to speak?” She asks almost robotically, almost of she is on rails with her lack of concern. “No, I can’t because in its absence life got in the way. My brain got in the way. Spread the infection deeper and deeper. Everything, what little I once had is now gone. I am lost in my own empathy with nowhere to go. It is as though my life has become one of my stories. It has become a nightmare,” he rationalizes starring deeper into the nothing. She turns to him breaking his concentration, “The answer is simple then.” He stares into her eyes. Where have I seen those eyes before? “Oh really and what’s that?” He asks while he wonders about something else. She doesn’t break eye contact as she speaks. “Why don’t you simply wake up?” She asks in the most serious of tones.

“Jesus Alan, what’s with the screaming?” A woman he has never seen shouts at him. The words woke him without ever feeling asleep. Confused on how or what is happening he looks around him. “Right here asshole. You’ve only been in a coma for three weeks it’s not like it was a lifetime,” she barks at him. They are sitting in what he assumes is her office. She is dressed in a business suit as she moves papers around on her desk. The room fills very high up and the sun is pouring through the windows. Is this my editor? He wonders. She snaps her fingers breaking his concentration. Where have I seen those eyes before? He wonders. There is a glass of water on the desk. He reaches for the glass but he doesn’t understand why. Everything feels played out. Almost rehearsed. He watches his arm move in slow motion to pick up the glass. The glass feels almost unreal in his hand. The water doesn’t move as he lifts up the glass. It doesn’t sweat. It doesn’t feel like anything. It is almost as if the glass is empty and full at the same time. The stranger slaps his hand and the glass falls to the floor. The glass doesn’t shatter and it doesn’t spill. “Don’t drink that your body isn’t ready. As for who I am and how you got here. Well that’s simple,” she smiles. “It is?” He asks confused. She snaps again. “You want the longer version or the short version? She asks. He thinks over what she is asking. Watching the glass sit perfectly still on its side. “Long I guess. There’s something wrong with your,” he tries to get out but she cuts him off. She speaks in rapid tones of noises and what seem like made up words. He watches as her face mouths the words and the light in the room goes from day to night and back to day when she stops suddenly. She exhales a long breath.

“Basically you tried to kill yourself and I’m you only I’m the female you and even then I’m just made up pieces of all the females you have wanted or dreamed of being with,” she sums up. “All the women? Where the hell am I?” He asks as layer upon layer of confusion sets in. “Check it out. Two different people,” she says ignoring his questioning of this reality. She leans her body over the desk so he can get a better look of her face. “Two different people,” she moves her head side to side. “Well really more like twenty, but face wise two. Pretty cool huh?” She asks without asking. He sits there silently studying her face. Two very different people he thinks. “Well I think it is cool. I can tell you have no idea what is happening, but do we really have to be stuck in this office all day? We can really go anywhere we want and yet we are here?” She asks. “I don’t understand what is going on,” is all he can say. She snaps her fingers and the room changes in a blink of an eye. They are on a beach. Endless sand, but no water. Only the sound of the waves crashing around them. Their clothes have changed and she notices him staring at her. “Yeah this breast situation isn’t ideal. To be honest it is a tad bit awkward,” she moves her chest closer so he can see in an innocently suggestive manner. One breast is very much bigger than the other one. “One double D and the other an A. Yeah you are seeing that in real time. Do you have an idea how difficult it is to find a bra in these dimensions? Let alone what it is like on a date? Well it is a lot like it is now,” she sighs. “No, I’m sorry but I created you?” He seems to be questioning himself more than asking. She looks side to side as if to make sure no one is around. Only adding to his confusion. “Yeah, you did. Do you see anyone else around?” She asks. “How could I have done this?” He asks. “What? Create everything around us or mess up my breasts? Flip of the coin really,” she says sarcastically. “You don’t have to be like that. I’m having a really hard time processing all of this,” he states. “I know I can feel it,” she says in a worried tone. “You need to calm down. Close your eyes and think of something else. Whatever you want.” He does as he is told. Closing his eyes and trying to relax. Relax in the darkness of his mind. “Sweet you fixed my breasts. Thank you, thank you,” she exclaims with glee. He opens his eyes and the bright sun blinds him at first. He winces and has he does clouds begin to form in the sky. Bringing down the intensity of the light until he is comfortable. “Is this heaven?” He asks with a smile. “This? No, fuck no. What made you think this was heaven?” She asks. “Well I control everything seems to be the obvious answer,” he states. She sighs, “Well first off I don’t know much more than anything than you know as I am you. But last we knew or you knew or whatever. God controls heaven and you aren’t God so, one could easily assume based on what you do and don’t know that this is in fact not heaven. Make sense?” She asks. He shakes his head, “No, not even a little bit.” She shrugs her shoulders. “That’s it? That’s your answer?” He asks. “Pretty much,” she states openly. “So I’m not in heaven. I’m just in a shoulder shrug. Awesome makes sense,” he says. “You are focusing way too much on things that don’t matter. This is literally nothing. Physically it is nothing. It feels like something, the sand, but it is all nothing,” she states. He turns to look around him. Watching as he changes his surroundings in an instant with only a thought. Watches as towering trees take over the sky. The sound of the waves still crashing in the background.

“Why am I here instead of someplace else?” He asks her. “Because from what I know you were kind of an asshole and even you have admit a tad bit selfish,” she answers her voice coming from behind him. “I’m not an asshole and I’m definitely not selfish,” he snaps back. “Oh really? You’ve been here maybe, well you’ve been here a long time, but you’ve only been here in this part of nothing for five minutes, and when you decided to fix my breasts you went with two D’s rather than two A’s. Hell you could have made me a man, but you didn’t. You chose to keep me as a woman. Asshole in my book,” she tells him. “I’m not an asshole okay?” He turns to face her only to find her completely naked and starring back at him. “I guess you aren’t selfish either?” She asks as though nothing has changed. “You tried to kill yourself and left everyone behind to shift through the mountain of shit you left behind. No one asked for that. No one wanted that, and yet here we are,” she states. She sits down on the newly formed grass that has appeared before them, “I’m going to let you think about that for a moment.” She sits with herself exposed pulling the blades of grass by her feet one by one as he watches her. In an instant she is fully clothed, “I’m not an asshole and you can’t talk to me like that.” She doesn’t even bother to look up at him. “Like a broken record this one. At least you haven’t tried to touch me this time,” she says under her breath. “And if you aren’t then why do you think you have been here so long?” She confronts him holding up the blades of grass in the form of a crown. “You are in control of this and all of this, and still you have no idea what is going on?” She stands up and all the blades of grass scatter across the ground. “I don’t know,” he shouts in frustration. “I wake up in an office, then I’m on a beach, and now I’m in a massive forest with you every step of the way. I don’t know what is going on,” he screams as the world around him shakes. “They said, well you said, well they mentioned,” she says as though she can not think. “They said that you were like a TV constantly flipping between channels,” she finally gets out. “Do you honestly believe that made any sense or somehow answered a single question in my head?” He snaps back. “Yep I do because like I said I am you so, if I think it or say it, it is because you already believe it. None of this is new. We’ve had this conversation a hundred, a hundred and fifty times, but it ends the same every time. Think about what you were thinking about before you woke up,” she touches his face gently tracing the outline.

“I think I lost it,” he says to her. “Lost what?” She asks from behind a desk. “The ability to write. The ability to say anything of actual meaning.” He stares into the nothing that surrounds her. “Why do you suppose that is?”

I hope you enjoyed this story… The first one of this cycle… tried to come out strong… never know how anything will turn out until it posts… Chewing On Glass will be presenting a wide variety of stories this cycle… trying to express the wide spectrum of emotions that I am made of… also trying a few things out… trying to get better at all of this… Want to get better at third person perspective… not my go to style… As with trying anything new… there is a lot of trepidation… but don’t worry… things will always be dark… it is where I live after all… can shed your skin over and over… but you can never shed where you are from…

So what the fuck was this even about?… with the dark theme of suicide… trippy ass locations that don’t make any sense… (If you liked this aspect of the story… wait until I release my next short story book… there is a story in there that takes this theme to the max…)… This story was actually not about any of those things… well it was on the surface… the real theme and inspiration for this story was writers block…

This story was about the annoyance of trying to write something over and over for it to only turn out to be shit… the ups and down of how our brains work… feeling trapped yet knowing you have all the tools to escape… wanting to smash your head into a wall to get the ideas out… only to know that it would do nothing in the end… it was a tricky story to write without giving away all the cards… so in the absence of thought and the frustration of writing nothing of actual meaning… I came up with this story…

As usual my favorite character is the woman… I love her care free… give no fucks… this is how it is attitude… writing bad ass… strong women are my favorite characters to write… I love the idea that in this story… for me at least… that there is this duality of her… she is the one in control… yet has no control at all… a pawn and the ruler of the kingdom… a guide and the true representation of it all… “Hell you could have made me a man, but you didn’t”… That line to me… was a turning point in the story where the main character begins to really question everything beyond the surface… there are moments about questioning everything really because that is what the story is all about… questioning ones thoughts and trying to find actual meaning behind nothing at all…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter...

Chewing On Glass… Retrospective… Year 3…

Hope you missed me because I’m back… Year 3… begins today… the format will be different… after last years ass kicker of a schedule… things are changing all around really… still working on my novel… still writing… think I have just been sitting around?… who the fuck do you think I am?… I always have a plate of glass ready to go… hungry as fuck… don’t believe me?…

Still don’t know how to use this website…

That my friends… is the stack… the stack of stuff I have been working on… working through… and the crazy part is that… that isn’t even all of it… I have files on my phone… on my computer… that I still have to print out… I’ve got plans for this year… ideas I want to get out… and unlike last year… I know that I will… little by little I will get it done…

First step in not repeating last year… I changed the schedule to reduce burn out and pressure… besides my whole life going to shit… that was the biggest thing I struggled with last year… burn out plus depression do not mix… because I will just do nothing… and pile on that pressure… not a good combination… for me… or anyone really… so to take that out of the equation and to provide better content in general… I went down to two days of the week… Monday and Thursday… we all have lives that we need to live… I get that now after two years…

I also have decided to do what we just experienced… a break from time to time… there is a reason that your favorite show doesn’t play a new episode every day… or every week… so every three months there will be a two month break… I know I just showed you a stack of shit I have waiting to be read… I know two months seems like forever… but we made it through this last few months… hopefully… so it will be okay…

Which brings me to the next topic I want to rant about… some of that work in the picture is actually my novel and a few other books I have been sitting on for years… don’t expect a flood of shit from me… but I do have some plans coming up… stay tuned for more information… so that is a big reason for the new format… I want to focus more energy on that… or those… or whatever… Because I have decided to give up on finding a publisher…

I’ve been sitting far too long on ideas… books… stories…and thoughts that I want to share… in hopes that one day I will get picked up by a publisher… for better or worse… fuck it… I’m not getting any younger… I don’t want to sit here and hope anymore that doing it the “right” way will lead to something… my heroes… your heroes… didn’t just sit there hoping… they made it happen… that is why they are our heroes… so… if I have to do it all myself… then so be it… worse case they won’t buy any of the books that I published on my own… they aren’t buying them now… getting to a point in my life where win/lose is no longer how it is… it is all just lose from here…

So that is where you come in… well you have always been here… but that is where I need you… buying books… t-shirts… anything is… thank you… but if you really want to help me.. big picture help me… follow me on twitter… leave reviews… tell others… click links…(Working on a few other things as well…) any amount of extra traffic helps… it may seem pointless and useless… but it really does help… and I thank you very much for all the help that you bring to this website… to me…

I know that shit got weird last year… I wanted so much more out of last year… I failed at a lot of things I wanted to accomplish… professionally and personally… it was a hard year… one that I hope I never have to live again… but I thank you for sticking around… for liking… for commenting… for believing in me… it is easy to get caught up in everything… life is a shit storm of events… situations… thoughts… feelings… and I want you to know that I appreciate every second that you have taken out of your busy lives to visit this website… I know I go on selfish rants about my thoughts… feelings… but I think about all of you and all that you do… every day… even if I don’t say it… even when I get caught up in my own shit… I think a lot about each and everyone of you… Thank you…

Welcome to year three…

Layne Ambrose

(Block editing or whatever WordPress is calling this shit still sucks…)

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

So Some of You May Have Noticed…

That there hasn’t been any new post for When There Is No More Room…. and basically after this one there won’t be… Some shit came up… but unlike the last year or so… this shit was all positive… It also has kind of hindered a lot of my plans for the rest of the year… but I’m excited about it so that is something… I started working on my next novel… because I have started writing my next novel… I lost interest in finishing a failed one…

For those of you who really enjoyed When There Is No More Room... I am sorry… I wanted to finish it… I fought the last couple of weeks to get it done… but honestly my heart isn’t there… I’m sure many of you could feel it on the last couple of post I did for it… if you didn’t I am glad… I wasn’t trying to phone anything I wrote in… in my head though it felt like I was… the plan was to just push through it… get it done… and on the next project… have it all fully written and fleshed out… something I didn’t do for When There Is No More Room

Well kind of… I had doctor parts from a failed third book from years ago… but that was it… even they had to be rewritten and worked… the rest was just me sitting down at the computer… thinking how do I kill people?… pulling stories from my ass… and I thought that would last until the end… turns out I didn’t have anything more to pull out of my ass… by about mid way… I didn’t hate No More Room… I felt like I came up with some pretty great stuff in the beginning… maybe some stuff I’d like to go back to at a later date… but for the most part it did what it needed to do for me… and that was get me writing again… get me interested in writing stories again… which it has…

Many… if not all… of you are writers… not all are novelist or have any interest in writing a novel… there are a lot of ups and downs… a fuck ton of false starts… and a million ideas that don’t lead to no where… then you have to write the fucking thing… don’t even get me started on editing… I hate editing… takes too god damn long… and if you do it right… by the time you are done editing… you are pretty much at the point of fuck this piece of shit… why did I ever think that I could write in the first place??… maybe that last part is me… : )

So I am excited to get that going… but I am also bummed that I didn’t finish No More Room… I will however post the original ending… how it was meant to end… I did have that written from before… I will drop that below this excuse… I also have some fun facts to share about the project… I will post that at the end as well… again I apologies that I didn’t finish the story properly… and I thank those of you who stuck with it…

Layne Ambrose


I Think We Are Alone Now

“I’m scared Chris do we really have to be here so late? Couldn’t we have come earlier in the day?” She asks pressing against me. I’m scared too, but I don’t let her know that. “Don’t be scared baby. I just wanted to show you around that’s all,” I tell her. “You’ve been here before this late?” She asks. “Of course I have,” I tell her as we sneak up the dilapidated stairs. “Don’t give me that look,” I don’t even look at her, but even in the dark I can tell she has one on her face. “Well who were you here with last?” She asks rather loud. She stops in her tracks. “Are you serious right now?” I whisper. “I just want to know who you were here with last? What’s her name?” She asks even louder. “Baby, I wasn’t here with only one person. My friends and I used to come here all the time. I told you that before,” I whisper. The sound of shuffling feet comes from nowhere. We grab each other tight. “What was that? Is this place really haunted? Didn’t something happen in the 50’s?” she whispers in fear.

I listen for any more sounds and I don’t hear anything. I pull on her gently to continue going up the stairs, “Some people say they hear voices of past patients, but I’ve never heard anything like voices here.” We climb one more flight of stairs and I slowly open the door at the top. We sneak our way into the hallway. “Can we just go already? I don’t like it here at all. It feels really cold for some reason,” she whines. “We already climbed the stairs and the really cool stuff is up here. Stand closer to me and you will warm up. This building is super old and it is a cold night. Imagine being one of the patients?” I ask her. She doesn’t say anything. “There is only a few things I want you to see and then we can go?” I kiss her on the cheek. “There wasn’t anything cool you could have shown me on the first floor?” She asks in a worried voice. “No, the really good stuff is on this floor. This is where they had some of the patients and the shock treatment equipment,” I can’t hide my excitement.

“I don’t think we should be messing with that stuff,” she pleads. “Oh, don’t worry no one’s around so, no one is going to care. It will be fun I promise. Plus you said you wanted to see it,” I remind her. “Really starting to regret agreeing to any of this. I hope we don’t hear anything scary up here,” she says. “Why afraid you’ll scream and wake everyone up?” I ask jokingly. “Haha, like I care about that,” she says mockingly. “Well you should,” I say in a creepy voice. “They kept some serious freaks here. Nearly anyone in this region the state thought were to broken to put in jail,” I tell her. “Why didn’t they just kill them then?” She asks. “You shouldn’t talk like that. What if you piss one of them off?” I ask. “What if I do? It’s not like they can do anything about it?” She states. “Can we just go a little bit faster? I’m only being cautious because this building is pretty old,” I tell her. “So this place isn’t safe?” She asks surprised.

“Great so you’re putting my life at risk? This is one hell of a date,” she whines. “This is a date?” I ask confused. “Seriously?” she shakes her head. “At this rate you’d be lucky if I even admit to knowing who you are after this,” she warns. “Sorry, I thought we were only hanging out. I didn’t realize it was a date. I didn’t even think you were really that in to me,” I stop to tell her. “And if you had known?” She asks. “Well I wouldn’t be trying to impress you right now with how brave I am. I would have taken you to a much more romantic place then this shit hole,” I tell her. “Well how about we get out of here and do just that?” She asks staring into my eyes. I lean in to kiss her on the lips. With my eyes close I hear her words. “Do you smell that?”

I stop leaning and smell around us, “All I smell is you.” A look of horror comes across her face, “It smells like fresh cigarettes. I think someone is up here.” I put my hands on her shoulders, “Didn’t you see all that dust and ash coming up here? It has been sometime since anyone has been up here.” She starts shaking. “You shouldn’t be here,” a voice says from behind us. “What the fuck,” she screams as she runs back down the hall way. I turned to see where the voice is coming from. “There’s no one there,” I say out loud. “I know,” she screams behind me. “But there is no one there,” I say to myself to paralyzed to move. The smell of cigarette smoke washes over me, “I said you shouldn’t be here.” The sound of shuffling feet fills the hall way, but no one is there. “Do you have an appointment?” the voice asks as I black out.

This was a long ass post… probably should have made an appointment for your time… yeah that was bad… so as promised fun facts about this story… some lose ends tied up as well…

Fun Fact... The title of this story comes from the tagline of my favorite movie of all time… “When there is no more room in hell the dead shall walk the earth”... Any guesses?… hopefully none… but it is from Dawn of the Dead (1978)… If you caught that early one… you might have guessed the ending… if not then it was just something fun for me…

Lose end… So originally this whole thing was going to be my third book… doctor… patient… back and forth… I tried to do a smaller version here on the website… basically everything that the doctor was saying was after they all died because he was trapped in “hell”… reliving every day he had to work at the shit box asylum… the patient stories all took place before the fire… or before they all died…

Fun Fact… the doctor bitching about the facility was the real killer… not him… he honestly wanted to help them… fought to keep the place up and running… tried to get them the help he believed he could provided… but the state was like fuck’em… so we was waging a war on all fronts… which broke his mind… then he died… because the shit building fell apart somehow… I didn’t have that part worked out yet… that’s a twofer…

Lose end… the doctor and his brother… that plot thread was an add on from the beginning… so years ago… I believe I hinted at it here in the smaller story… I was going to take it out… but just as I did then… I liked the idea that the doctor had a reason for being a doctor… also the back and forth between him and his brother was interesting to me… something I needed to work out… didn’t… and now it is like what the fuck?… it had a bigger overall theme in the original…

I think that was it… Did you catch all the weird 50’s or earlier references in the patient’s stories?… if you have any questions?… are pissed that I didn’t finish it?… don’t give a shit?… or just want to say hi?… leave a comment at the bottom… for those of you who cared… I hope this was at least something to put an end to the story for you…