When There’s No More Room… Part 7…

I noticed the way she looks at me again today. The look of a blank stare, but it is not a blank stare. It is as if she is trying to tell me something that words could never really say. I see it in her eyes. Those cold green eyes. They appear almost gray as though something is hidden in them. Ten years I have stared into these eyes. Ten years I have study this girls eyes. I have watched as she has gone from child to woman and it is as though nothing has ever changed. Ten years of failure. Ten years of silence. I’ve run every test possible. Everything in the book just to hear her speak. Electroshock therapy, two electrodes attached to her head and enough electricity to shock anyone awake. Not a god damn peep. If it wasn’t for her pulse and her eyes I would rule her dead. I fought tooth and nail to keep her after she turned eighteen. The state told me she had served her time. I argued that she still needs to server more, but like this? Was it worth it?

Her crimes though not as extensive as the others leave a lot to the imagine nation as to why. Why a child would commit such a crime? A silent hour every week for ten years and I am not any closer to finding out the answer. Her eyes dance as if she is trying to tell me something. Maybe it is a neurological condition? No, I’ve tested that and came up with nothing. She chooses not to say anything at all. Ten years and I have never heard her voice. Witness, the neighbors claim to have heard her scream awakening them from a dead sleep. A scream like a siren only to stop. Replaced with silence. Imagine my jealousy to these complete strangers. Her eyes tease me like a loaded gun. Her eyes so innocent, so green, could they really have comprehended what she had done? Could anyone?

Could anyone understand fully the act of killing their parents? Witness testified that she was often beaten. Appeared to have bruises, black eyes, cuts all over her body. Never enough to raise alarm, but enough to noticed. The scars though faint are still there. What all her parents have done is lost in her eyes, but what she did has been well documented. The simplest of them all murder. The more complex. The ones I want to know, to understand? Hidden behind those eyes. How does a child carefully remove the skin of a person? Let alone their own parents? I know surgeons.  Doctors paid to be precise every day and every time. Even they do not understand how a child could be so methodic. A pile of skin laid on the floor as she began the real work she had set out to do. As one police officer stated in their report, “The organs were laid out. Laid out on display like we had to do in basic training for our rifles. Laid there ready to be put back in if need be.”

No, a child could not understand what they have done? Or could they? The answers sit before me waiting to be discovered. No evil in sight only a blank stare. Yet she sits before me. A child capable of tearing apart her whole family. A child who shaped the bones of her parents to that of some kind of monster. A child who took the skin of her mother from the floor and wore it like a costume until the police arrived. What kind of evil truly lives behind those green eyes?  

Sorry for the late post… internet has been down… the real horror of this story if you ask me… up an running… hopefully I won’t be late on the next one…

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Teeth Into The Concrete…

I have two days… less than that really to write my next story part for… When There’s No More Room… but I really don’t want too… well its not that I don’t want to work on it… I’m just not in the mood to kill anyone… write about killing anyone… or dig deeper into a broken soul… shocker I know…

So I have time to write… what should I write about?… Recently I was told that I should do more stories… I used to do a lot of them… but really there’s only so much shit you can pull out of your ass… there is a limit apparently… I don’t do requests… but I would be lying if the thought to do more stories… wasn’t already on my mind…

More or less… I stopped talking about shit that was happening… mostly because… well for some of the worst reasons… I was going through some shit… I’m sure my recent output hasn’t reflected that in any way… haha… Basically I have been drinking… not fun drinking… no something so much worse… all the reasons I won’t explain… but most of them have been because of myself… I’m not over a lot of them… but I’m over some of them at the moment…

One of the biggest ones… was that I hated myself and I wanted to die… not sure I truly 100% invested in this over bearing thought in my head… but it corrupted me enough each and every day… that I really just didn’t care about anything… work… writing… my family… breathing… it was all so much… that it was easier to just drink myself into oblivion to try and shut the voice off in my head… fun fact… it didn’t… for the most part (saying this sober) it just cranked up the fucking volume… if it wasn’t for my little girl and a few friends … not sure I’d be here… honestly though even a few times that wasn’t enough… I was too drunk to remember why I didn’t do it at those moments…

But I wanted too pretty bad… I remember a time I just sat there… for what seemed like forever… staring at my box cutter… telling myself to not… while also basically telling myself to just do it… that it doesn’t matter… nothing matters… what could it possibly matter?… still don’t have answers for any of those questions… but as a friend of mine said to me recently… “At least we still have our health”… As much as I want to do it… At least I’m still here to do it… one day at a time… about the only thing tethering me to the top of the hole dug in my heart…

That was heavy… when I wasn’t busy… thinking about killing myself… well life was just piling on all the reasons I should… work wanted everything I had… and I had nothing to give… my writing was turning into nothing but rejection email after rejection email… my family… was falling apart… for helpless reasons out of my own control… and all I wanted to do was scream… so I drank… did nothing… and drank some more… solving nothing as it all piled on… honestly a lot of that stuff was already stacked on top of me… and it still is… but the family stuff… well that was… that is… all I’ve ever really cared about…

This is all fun… getting published would be a dream… doing this all day every day… would put a smile on my face… but none of this… none of the shit at work… nothing in this world means as much to me as my family… it is all so trivial in the end… money… fame… acceptance… I have all of that right here… we all have our driving force… our own weakness… and mine happens to be the same thing… Take that way… the whole house of cards called life comes tumbling down… I just didn’t want to get out from under it all…

We all fall down every once in a while… but life is about getting back up… not about the shit that took us to the ground… One day at a time… I don’t do requests… and neither should you… unless you are in a cover band… but for me… make it one more day…

Queens of the Stone Age… Fortress

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When There Is No More Room… Part 5…

It happened again today. One of the patients tried to escape. “Couldn’t take the devil for one more day,” she screamed over and over as she tried to squeeze herself between the broken shards of glass and the bars of her window. The hospital board will want to know what I’d call it. A suicide attempt? A condition of her psychosis? What can we file this under? “How doctor do you explain what is going on?” I can hear them asking me. Even as the staff rush to help her with her many wounds. Even as she is bleeding out all over the floor. How do I explain this?

How does one explain to someone who is not here to witness this behavior day in and day out? How does one justify this as a normal everyday occurrence? One doesn’t. That one who is me must lie. Make an excuse to how such a patient ended up with gashes all over her body. Because the truth in this matter is irrelevant. A broken brain, the devil made me, and feelings of sadness are not answers to the questions they will ask. The bleeding slows and the staff lift her up onto the gurney. She will have to spend sometime in the medical warded. Heavily sedated of course. Which is the only reason I have to even bother with any of these incestuous questions. Money is all the board cares about. Had she hit her head? Well who would have noticed the difference? I know I wouldn’t have.

Why is it always the low risk patients that cause the most problems? More restraints maybe? I have my own questions that need to be answered. When she heals up I will have to find time to ask them. Until then it is on to the next one and the next one after that. I’m locked in here with them. I know it seems as if I can leave the confines of this place but illusions often seem real. Every day is a repeat, a trap in which I can not break free. Each case, each patient, each dark secret of the mind only makes the nightmare that much worse.

A man of science is no more trapped than a man of faith.One in the same forced to go on two separate paths that no matter which is taken come to the same conclusion, death. They don’t teach you that in school. No life teaches you that over time. Holds your head down under the water and demands answers to questions you could not possibly understand. I envy the others here. The staff and the patients as they do not seem to notice the path they have chosen, or perhaps they have without ever really knowing? Too many questions. The mind is a locked box in which I am expected to pry open, expected to break, fix, and replace. Maybe in the end all I have broken is myself?

Still haven’t done a cool image for the story… working on it… I’m not though… I just believe that I will… and I am…

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Broken Thoughts… Slowly Killing Myself… Very Slowly…

There is an emptiness inside my
Head, heart, life, soul
Craved out by your hand
There is a dark cloud that hangs over my
Head, heart, life, soul
Nothing you say
Will ever mean anything to me
Living through this life
Poisoning the fucking well
Turned you against the thought
Driven under, but I can’t forget
What it is that you have done to my
Head, heart, life, soul

Destined to lead a broken nation… Just like me…

Biding my time until all is dead
Inconstant to the soul I claim to have
Fitting in, in the shadows
The darkness that separates
Me from you
The asshole who deserves a thrown
So much better than you
Fucking stab out the insecurities
All I’m left with
Is dead
A broken thought for the fucking insane
Biding my time until all is dead
Dancing, screaming in the dark
Best friends until the end
God how much do I hate you
Face to face is too much
Can’t use my words when I’m
Not hiding or did you forget
I’ve always been
The asshole in the shadows

Even the lies become clear…

Who knew depression could hurt this much?
Who knew suicide felt a lot like living?
Who knew this could have all been from you?
Hind sight telling me something
Sooner would have been so much better
Working through the pain

Hope you have been enjoying When There Is No More Room… I’m having a blast working on it… trust me I am working on it… In fact this Wednesday… there will be another part… Shitting in the dark…

I know this post is all sad… a darkness I live with every day… but today… feeling pretty good… Yes… I am listening to Bother by Stone Sour… but I am doing great… Textbook I’m lying… but I’m not… at least I don’t think or feel that I am… Switching tracks to Sulfur by Slipknot… I really don’t want to come off as sad or broken… yeah the rails are a little shaky… : )

I’m totally not siting in the dark… pretending I am all right… bored with this topic… in other news… well I haven’t been up to much… I need to do another round of submissions… but really what’s the point?… I got the voices in my head after all… what more do I need?… I don’t really hear voices… at least not yet… no judgement but… Would I feel less lonely at that point?…

The key is to not get up… give up… what’s the difference at this point… keep writing… through the pain… through life… through everything… eventually… something will stick… trust me… a waste of time?… death is the only thing we waste our time thinking about… living my words… see you all this Wednesday… music I love be damned… : )

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Breaking My Back Against The Stones… Broken Thoughts…

Washing the blood from my hands
Another failed attempt
To make things okay
Between me and you
I don’t think this is working
Miss you more with each day
Washing the blood from my heart
Took a lot longer that I thought
Preserved it, to make things okay
Between me and you
I don’t think this is working
Want you more with each day
Washing the blood from my hands
Another failed attempt
To make things okay
Between me and you

“Poster child for the inappropriate.”

Not a unique situation
Uniquely the situation
Thought about killing myself
To the point, that I don’t know
If it is already done
What’s the point
If this will all end?
Not a unique situation
Uniquely the situation
Dissatisfaction to everything
I’m around, to the point
That I don’t know
If it is me that is dissatisfying
What’s the point of caring
If this will all end?
Not a unique situation
Uniquely my own predicament

You’d be amazed at the amount of people that talk out loud to themselves. No cellphone, no head phones, and no one with them. “Do I like mesquite or maple?” I don’t know. Do you?

Told me you wouldn’t
But I know you would
Your lies aren’t so hidden
When nothing else about you is real
Confused even more after all this time
A life devoted to you
Could you say the same
Yore lies aren’t so hidden
When nothing you’ve never said was the truth
Drive it in, deeper please
Until I can no longer feel the pain
Your love ain’t worth shit
When your lies aren’t so hidden
Told me you wouldn’t
But I’ve always known you would

Trying out some new… headlines… I guess… to break up the Broken Thoughts… I was working on a book of Broken Thoughts… before everything went to shit… ran into a pretty hard wall twenty pages in… it just all seemed like one long ass poem… twenty pages to be exact… from screen to the page… things definitely change…

Hopefully the change makes the difference… because I really want to get that project off the ground… tell me what you think… If you have left a comment… I promise I will get back to you… I’ve become buried… but I’m not ignoring you…

I guess I should address the elephant in the room… things have become a lot better since I have written those pieces… nothing will ever be the best they can be… learning to live with who I’ve become… why is everything so cryptic?… my life at the moment…

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Waiting For You To Realize… What I Mean To You…

Bleed Out

Forcing myself to die
Tearing out my eyes
Want to tear everything down
Forget that I ever existed
At all
Unhappy with the path I’ve craved
A hole in my heart I can not fill
Your words are worthless
Ready to go home
So obsessed with the thought
That all of this is pointless
Forcing myself to die
Tearing out my heart
Want to tear out every part
Forget that I ever existed
Turns out, none of this was fun
After all
Unhappy with the life I’ve created
A hole in my heart I can not fix
My thoughts are worthless
Ready to get going
So obsessed with the thought
Bags been packed for a while
Forcing myself to live
Tearing up at the thought
These faults are my own
Forget that I ever existed
At all
So I can move on
Letting the hole in my heart
Bleed out
Words I thought I could lose
Burned into my skin
I love you now like I loved you then

Living In Time

Thinking about the future
Dwelling on the past
What to do when the scars don’t heal
Open, bleeding wound
Close my eyes and hope
Nothing ever comes
Time heals all wounds
Truth is, the best we can hope for
Is that time will stop the bleeding
Your lies a thorn in my spine
Walk, pretend everything is fine
Following the path of least resistance
Resisting the urge to end it all
What’s starting over
If the most that you hoped for
Lead me here
This has all been a waste of time
Everyone tells me I’m fine
This is normal, give it time
A splintered lie digging in my spine
I don’t care, lets say I did
Thinking about the future
Dwelling on the past
Close my eyes and maybe I’ll die

This could go on for a while… I mean a long while… I have pages and pages of how I feel… how I’ve felt… how I’m feeling… as of late… to be honest… I think I have only hit the tip of the iceberg… so bare with me… this glass is sharper than I thought…

In other news… I am going to start working on a big project… so look out for that… on top of… sad poems about killing myself… : ) Always a good time… here at Chewing On Glass…

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Cut Me Up… I Am The End Of All Things To Come…

Losing My Mind

In the darkness I hide
Waiting for you to free me
Hidden deep within
I’ve always been me
The surface a mask
An asshole within
Tearing apart every part
That makes me, me
Strangling the only thing
That is good in me
Watching the world burn
Is all I ever wanted
Greatest fear strangling me
Lost in my own worlds
Confusion sets in
Dragging my scythe
Through the darkness that is my mind
I have always wondered
But I knew all along
I am death and this is what I deserve
A secret held deep within
Passion to see the other side
Purity that will never make sense
Dragging myself through this life
Lost my fucking mind
At this point can’t tell the difference
Stream of fucking consciences
What is real when all is a lie
Chew the fucking glass
That we were all meant to digest

Never Enough I Need More

This isn’t my first
Won’t be the last
Welcoming death as it comes
Welcoming everything
This isn’t
What I set out to be
A place I was pushed to
Time has a way of taking everything
Dying each day
Pushing to make it something else
A disease buried deep within
The alcohol brings out the best in me
I’m not a hero, a saint
A fucking leach
Suck you dry
Take everything I need
Lie to myself
To make everything you’ve done
Make sense
That’s the part I hide
A victim to my own pain
Killing myself was never the plan
All I have left
How could I be so weak
How could I accept such abuse
The worlds a lie
When all I ever believed
Lied to me
Living on borrowed time
I don’t know where to go from here
When everything I believed is a lie
Sitting in my own shit
I wish I was dead
Too strong to do it
Too weak to see any other excuse
Suffering as each day comes
A secret buried in my skin
Can you see when I lie
On the surface all along
Tell me what to do
Because I don’t know what to do anymore

Slipping into a darkness I don’t understand… where does this world go… when it was never meant to be?… where does any of this end when it keeps on going?… debt… love… life… it all keeps going… the truth unknown to anyone… all answers a lie… choking… open my eyes… your hands around my neck… this is all for nothing… this life doesn’t mean anything… and yet… I crave… I want to go on living this dream… that is all it is a dream… in a awakened mind… none of it matters… but all of it seems too…

It all seems to matter in the scheme of all things… I think of space and it’s endlessness… I think of all of the people who have abandoned me… I think of so many things… and here I stand… what the fuck does any of this mean?… what is a world full of darkness?… but endless… tortured and I am the master of all things… what the fuck is wrong with me?… fucking human is all I will ever be… raising a glass to the nothing at all…

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