Something Different

Before

In death we find peace
But what about the rest
What about here and now
Tranquility in sin
Blood for passion
Passion for blood
Drinking until you don’t remember
Forgetting all the times before
Do it once more
Over and over a repeating
Kaleidoscope of bullshit
Heard it all before
Excuses becoming useless
Yet I still have more
My condition is human
But why does it feel so
So, painful and relentless
In death we find peace
In death we find whatever it is
We never had before

 

Settling In

Awaken to a sickening feeling inside my chest
Worried, afraid I won’t be able to let this rest

Choking, I can’t breathe
Knowing, know this could be the end
Constricting, inflicting every time
Is it all in my head
Twenty eight and I’m already dead
Worried from worrying
About all the shit going on in my head
Scarred, destroyed
From my own self destruction
Is this all I will ever be
Is this all I will ever become
Trapped inside this solitude
Isolating feeling of being human
Depression, this won’t end
A wave that comes crashing over and over again

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Still digging at the past… a past way I once felt every day… living in the middle of a depression storm can be… well depressing… some of us have it worse than others… each of us has to find our answer… but no matter how bad it ever gets know that there is always an answer… there is always hope… we are only here on this planet for one thing… make it to the next day… no day will ever be perfect… you will never get everything you ever wanted… but if we try hard enough we can get most of it… we can have perfect memories… 

Also, I’m not 28 anymore… wish I was… : ( … growing old sucks… enjoy every moment… good or bad… not all of them will be here for long… it goes fast… it is easy to get stuck on an idea… on a feeling… and it can take everything we have to break away from it… we’ve all been there… if there is anything I have learned since starting this website… it is that we have all been there… 

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Broken Thoughts

Dismembered, disemboweled
There may be something I have to figure out
Bleeding for a while now
How long can I live
After I’ve bled it all out
If the heart keeps ticking
Does the mind just shut it out
I feel as if the thoughts
Contradicted the actions that I’m feeling

 

How can this fall apart in such a short amount of time
1,000 days, brain soaked in Monster
Twitching for the very things I regret
How can I be this fucked up in the head
How come all I ever wish for is to be dead

 

Planes falling from the skies
I wish I didn’t have to believe all your lies
The drugs haven’t kicked in
The shock of it all is more than set
Wondering how much this is going to hurt
When it sets in, set into the ground
Praying for something more than the truth
If this is the end than let it end
These past few years have been
More than I ever care to stand
An eternity like this might as well be hell
At this point heaven can go fuck itself
How long does it take to hit the ground
A whole lot longer than it does to take off

 

Starving for a moment
Waiting for my time in the sun
Like every other sad fuck that I know
Working hard to do nothing at all
Society will fuck you with no reason why
Sleeping with my eyes open
Hoping for a moment that won’t come true
Something for nothing would be fantastic
Do I deserve this at all
Does anyone deserve anything
Meant to die, still holding on
I can’t remember the lines or how they go
Something along the line will bring them out of me
A process in the moment of clarity
Too busy getting fucked to take advantage of such things
My life in a spiral, rich or dead, both or nothing
Destined for great things

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Couple of things I want to talk about… but first things first… Trappey’s makes this new kind of hot sauce… with passion fruit… it is amazing… sounds weird… but it is amazing… if you like flavor over pain… this might be the sauce for you… it still has a bit of a bite… leaving you wanting more… well me at least…

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Alright now that we’ve gotten the important stuff out of the way… let’s talk writing… went digging through the past… only to find that I have felt like I do now before… life is a circle… a round about path… to the same place… but when you feel trapped it can feel a lot worse than it makes sense… torture… I think it’s called… or if you are already here… life… sure I have a lot to be grateful for… I don’t feel like this every day… some days though the feelings sneak up on you… stuck in the same place… doing the same things…

 Like I said nothing to complain about… and in a way I’m not… sometimes it’s nice to just convince yourself that you are fine… to realize there have been times you have felt worse… and yet here you are… outside influence have their place in the world… in each of our little circles… but we can never forget that we are our biggest influence… how we perceive things…  think about things… can have the biggest impact on us… a balance filled with ups and downs… thanks for letting me talk to myself… try the hot sauce it is awesome… 

 

Broken Thoughts

I wrote the novel
Now I just have to write the story
If you stop to think about it
I know you’d never do it
The meaning loses effort
As soon as we stop to realize
What it means

What am I doing here?
Wasting time in between the lines

I could run but what does that say about me
What do I care about what people think
Human nature, self-conscious, maybe

Feel as though I don’t matter
Because I don’t
How long does it take to build trust
Don’t know
Lost in my head with a shitty name
Lost in thought but who could tell
Working out the problems is taking too long
Saving up for nothing, can I ask a favor
If I give you the lighter fluid
Do you think that you could provide the light
Didn’t think so but it’s okay
Seems as though only ones prepared
Is the enemy
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Multitasking right now… but you didn’t know that… well, you do now… for some reason WordPress wants all my text to be in grey… not that I don’t feel that way at times… but I want the text to be black… annoying… but considering I don’t have to write the script… maintain some shit… or do anything beyond highlight and change it back… I guess I can’t complain… turns out I just did… maybe grey is the way to go today… 

Crossing The River Of Hypocrasy

Rest Forever When We Are Dead
The feeling slips away from me
Your soft skin drags across the floor
The shredded self of worthlessness
Deception is the only way to communicate
Letters become words
Broken sentences of a useless paragraph
They say you’re dead
But when you died is undecided
Killed you in my mind so long ago
So I thought, believe in nothing until
You stand on the grave
A six-foot ditch I dug just for you
No one asked, took it upon myself
Because you know we are friends
Don’t mistake the smile for anything less
I’ve never wanted anything more
Then to listen to your final breath
God and country could never take away
What I’ve already been given

Unholy Conciseness
Off in the shadows
Consumed by the darkness
Baptized in misery
Visions of blood so red
Heart so black
Call of the demon
Call of the damned
Could I even
Stop this
The moment is eclipsing
Shuttered, shuttered from the light
Two ideas come together
Neither of which
Will make it alright
Seen so many things
That don’t make any sense
Sign after sign
Ignoring them as if
As if they aren’t
A burning red symbol in the sky
My mind rots with every thought
As though any of this is real
And not a psychosis deep inside of me
I think that maybe everything
Will only be better drifting away
Unhappy because you exist
A part of me I wished away
Visions of God dancing through my head
What she means to me
Savior and sin
How could something so beautiful
Ever be this deceitful
Stories built upon lies with buried truths
Right and wrongly decided based on the judged
Who the fuck are you in this
Unholy conciseness

And Other Things From This Time Preview

Faithless

I have no faith in anyone who doesn’t have faith in me
Revolutionary I know, I had a dream once
Then woke up to reality
Subconscious thinking doesn’t mean anything
The world works on some other sort of level
Inherently fucked and grateful for the chance
It would be best if there is no God
How anyone could follow someone who abandoned them
Is beyond me, had a vision now I’m on another level
Invested in broken thoughts everything makes sense
Crossandra’s look great on your porch
Even better on your grave, a location we can’t avoid
Our ignorance rules our lives
So sick of justifying thoughts that should be common sense
The worlds not listening so maybe I should shut the fuck up
Where’s the fun in that
A constant stream of thought that means nothing at all

Emotionally Stressed

I’m so sick of these feelings
This need to please everyone
When I know damn well it’s not good enough
Putting myself out on a daily basis
Backing my ass up and begging for the pain
Gambling on not winning at all
Why can’t everyone see that it’s all useless like me
Maybe they do or maybe they’re just too stupid to let go
Oh, I forgot how immature I can seem
A constant reminder from the ones that have never even spoken to me
Cuts on my fingers make me as dumb as them
Must be in the water we drink and not in the way we think
Bleeding for a chance to say go fuck yourself
There’s nothing here except heartache
And yet here I stay torturing my soul
A shitty romance of blood and bone
I am the source of all my pain
Directly fucking myself day after day
If giving up was so easy then why hasn’t it worked already
I blame my mother for reasons I don’t know…

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I’m sure I have posted these before… running out of things to preview at this point… but they fit into my “work sucks” theme for this week… either directly or indirectly… strap in for Wednesday… long rant on that day… so I will keep this short and to the point… haha… have I ever?… 

Crossandra’s look great on your porch”… an indirect reference to my job… also I literally stole it off the side of one of our signs… does that make me a plagiarist?… have I just admitted guilt?… also a Crossandra is a type of flower… no idea what kind… like I said I stole the line… partly because it was sitting right in front of me while I was writing this poem and the other reason being I didn’t know what it was… inspiration can come from anywhere… 

 “Oh, I forgot how immature I can seem, A constant reminder from the ones that have never even spoken to me”… these two lines are based on something that actually happened… lost out on a promotion because I was too “immature” for such a position… so anyone who has read this blog long enough… probably already knows I didn’t take that well… especially because there was no merit in that comment… but of course I didn’t react in a very mature way… I gave into this person’s comment and became the very thing I proclaimed I wasn’t… fucking hate people… life… and reason at times…

I didn’t do anything extreme… still work for the company after all… I just kind of let go… my thought process was why hold it all together… if it is all for nothing?… so I switched departments and watched the last one burned to ashes… that same person was missing me, after all, was said and done… you want immature… I’ll give you immature… and wish you the best of luck… : )

Still trying to sell my soul across the internet at Threadless… and Amazon… If you are interested… And Other Things From This Time is available on Amazon… for free with Kindle Unlimited… paperback $8… and digital $5… 

Broken Reality

This is something I would only say to my best friend, but since that is you and since you aren’t you anymore. I have to feel. I have to live as though I am alone. I see you every day. Walking by me as if this is all normal. Walking by me like everything is okay. The hardest part wasn’t what happened. Yes, that was a lot of shit to just take in. The hardest part. The thing I can’t say to you or talk about with you. Has everything to do with you and nothing to do with you. It’s why I can only say it to my best friend, someone I trust, and not whatever this is. The hardest part of all of this. Is going from thinking I’m spending the rest of my life with this one person to I hope I never have to see them again. Seeing you every day is a constant reminder of these feelings that won’t go away. Pretending to smile feels like a thousand knives. Lying when you ask what’s wrong feels like another part of me is dying.

None of this matters. All words that can’t be said. That don’t need to be said. All words locked inside my head. Replaying them over and over again.

The ashes they burn
The hell I have created heats up
Something needs to happen
None of the answers are acceptable
The tears as real as the pain
Forever escaping me, not an option
Your opinion on the events
Broken train of thought
Broken life I have to live
Shattered into nothing
Left chewing on what’s left
What is left when all hope is gone?
A long time coming, slow-moving
Slow to act, now left with the damned
The truth will set you free
The truth will leave you in a shallow grave
Life is a waste, built on past mistakes
Far worse than death, a sentence pierced into my head
If only I could think of anything else
Anything beyond the nothingness
So lost that it hurts
When you think this could be the best
When you think this could be the worst
Hold tight, the undertow is only a thing
Until it takes a hold
Drags you deeper and deeper
Open your eyes
Then you can see, clearly, this is all there ever was for you
Pain

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This is going to be a long month… a long lifetime…purging myself of all this shit… figuring out who I am again… rebuilding a broken corpse of a man once again…  been keeping busy… okay… I have been busy staring at a wall… feeling sorry for myself… hopefully, that will all be done soon… in the meantime… prepare for a lot of heartbreak… 

Still, have shirts up on Threadless… didn’t get around to designing any new ones like I had hoped… books still available on Amazon… Until next time… take care… and remember nothing is forever… so enjoy it… whatever it is… while it lasts… 

Broken Thoughts

Living out the eulogy, the funeral has been
Happening for years
Knew you were right when I said you weren’t
Known I’ve felt the same, but I didn’t want too
A lie from
Day one, yesterday, today
I don’t know anymore
Too late to turn any of this around
A long time coming
Long time spent looking the other way
I love you
Each word stings and it feels like this
Is how it is meant to be

Searching for myself and my lost identity
Who have I become if I don’t know myself
A man born into no sleep, an asshole baptized in fire
Where will life go from here
Where are we know if we are nowhere at all
Trapped between my own prisons
Locked away to figure it all out
But I don’t know anything beyond what I’m told
How am I supposed to know
If even I don’t know
Silenced by the thoughts of wrong and right
Torn between what I want and what I need
Two things that will never be the same
Searching for something that has meaning
Through a life of no importance beyond me and you
A man born into suffering, an asshole left rotting
Inside out and ass backward
Which way is straight away from here
Which direction is anything with no directions at all

Digging up the past
Fresh ideas to bury with the rest
Hollowed out bodies, turn to leather
Intersecting midsection, torn apart
Half eaten entrails
Yes, I already know I’m going to hell
Lying upon a heap of burning bodies
There will be no rest for my immortal soul
So, the story goes
I no longer have fears
Dissected, inflicted, sacrificed
God made me and the Devil too
Who should I blame, If I can’t blame you

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