Broken Thoughts- A Perpetrator With a Quill…

Breaking down in front of the lord
Gave you all my sin
Gave me all that you adore
Burning to stay alive
Could all of this have been a sign?
A lesson never learned over time
Up in flames
So dead inside
A walking belief
A walking reason to die
The scars only tell a story
A silent one that makes no sense
Words written in lies
If there is a God
He has nothing left but lies

 

I’m so gone, left wondering why
I do this to myself
So obsessed with a reason to die
Smile this is all I had
Talk about one thing
Never how I feel
Let all of this slip through the cracks
Shattered dreams, bloody fingers
Another reason why
So much of this actually makes sense

 

There is a darkness in my heart
How I feel
Kill myself what does it all mean?
Destroyed, who I am, a darkness
I was never meant to understand
A guilt that doesn’t mean anything
Ask me, I’ll do it
Not a dare, how I feel
Lost, longing for answers no more

 

Look for you in hell
My hands around your throat
Your head submersed in the lake of fire
Found you once, know I can do it again
Not so special after all

 

Love you more than I’ve ever loved me
Saying the same old thing
Clean up the wounds, wash away the pain
Still me, still the same old thing
It kills me to say, it tears me apart
Unapologetically that I will change
The devil you’ve always known
The one you’ve always loved
Killing me will only make me stronger

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Hope all is well… doing good on this end… I’m sure no one will believe me after reading that post… but that’s okay… sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction… Smile… it is today… : )

 

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Dictating An Existence That Doesn’t Exist… Call It Life…

Holiday In The Unknown

Waiting for your words
Waiting for anything
I’ve become bored
Staring at a wall isn’t for me
Thoughts come seeping back in

How I wish I was dead
That life is meaningless

They don’t mean much said only once
Over and over until they won’t leave my head?

How I wish I was dead
That life is meaningless

Distracted for a time
Thought the thoughts had left
I’ve always been wrong
This only proves it
Suffocating under the weight
Of a feeling I can’t escape

How I wish I was dead
That life is meaningless

Reminding me how not to forget
Over and over again

How I wish I was dead
That life is meaningless

Waiting for your words
Waiting for anything
I’ve become bored
Don’t think I’ll ever change
Thoughts never left me
Only distracted for a time

Reading all that they have to say
How I wish I was dead
This life is so meaningless

 

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Normally I do two poems in the same post… but this one was so sad and dark… I couldn’t find a companion poem that didn’t cheapen this one… This one is pretty personal… not really something I want to talk about… demons I battle in silence… demons I’m distracted from for the time being… a normal feeling?… no… has it become normal?… sadly yes…

I can’t stress enough that I am doing a lot better… perfect?… no… but that is life… I am fighting the want to express what this poem means to me… and I’m not going to because… this poem needs to be about what you want it to be… just know that there is help out there… know that people care… it may seem like the right thing to do… the easy thing… but as with everything in life it only seems that way because you are so close… try taking a step back… see the bigger perspective of this thing called life… we all have our place… have to be here though to find it… 

 

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Thank you for the support…

Broken Thoughts… Swinging For The Fences…

What the fuck am I even doing
Digging ditches called memories
It’s all pointless so why
Do I feel the need to cry
The reason to breath, fucking seething
Unhappy and I don’t know why
Pointless, but here we go
Another day waking and waiting
Here we go another day
Believing everything will be fine
Here we go one more fucking day
Feeling like this

 

Clapping along to a death song
I’ve known all along

 

Go ahead and smile
Really I don’t care
Stabbing you in the face
Will only be easier
Please, no, be you
Distant memories while I dance on
Your grave

 

Gearing up for the ass fuck of the century
A daily grind one upped every night
(Takes a bow)

 

Your insecurities rub up against me
A broken down thought, in need of a lobotomy
Toxic nervousness that surrounds us all
Thought provoking image drench in tears
Worldliness verbiage that makes no sense
You’ve gone and turned my mind inside out

 

“America’s problem is that we are so afraid of outside forces that we forget we are the outside force”…

 

I don’t have time to fail
A constant push to get myself out of here
Lost dream taken over by regret

 

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I’m still on vacation… for how long?… no idea… but I will be checking in and out through  out the month… hopefully by December… I can get back into some sort of routine… What have you been up to?… How have you been?… Hope all is well… 

Layne Ambrose
11/12/18

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Nothing Ever Changes…. Growing Old At The Thought…

Defying death the thing I’ve become
Say a prayer for all that you know
Silence falls on your prayer
Beyond my control
Beyond my understanding
Only human, you know what I know
Murder, fucking death
Respond  to the sins I understand
Look to the past, words
Existence I’ve failed to understand

Education was always the plan
Lost on the insecure, lost on the damned
How fucking big is your ass?

Education was always meant to sustain
A plan no one understands
Ignorance sown within our souls
Fuck your thoughts, bull shit plans
Mob rule, mob mentality
I’m owed mine, I’m owed yours
Selfish fuck that I’ve always claimed to be
The reality only a thing
Laughing at your pain
Because the realization is all too late
Sucking on the tail pipe
Slashing away, jerking off to the thought
That all of this makes no sense

Bury me with it
Bury me with all that I know
Lies, words, Santa Clause was real
Until it wasn’t 
Your parents were assholes
Honest, but still
Fucked since the word go
Hug them, love them, tried their best
Wrong, only human
I’m them, I never wanted to
Suffocating through what I know

Could blame them but know that I am them
Love them more than before
What you should know
We are all trying to hold on
Embrace them, don’t shun them
Why are we here?
Don’t ask them, suffering together
Sad fucking realization
Thank them, not me, for fucking trying

Santa Clause is real, god, everything they thought
Lost in all of this, a life I’m not willing to admit
Smashing my skull against a wall
Killing myself for everything they thought
An epic about nothing at all

Embrace everything you thought
Not special at all
The vision not what we thought
Same as we were anyway
All I was trying to say
Love them all the same

 

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Our parents are all they could be… our parents our us… fight it… believe I am wrong… but know… your parents fuck… your parents have thoughts… your parents are us after all… eww I know… gross… shake off the thought… but know you aren’t a freak… wonder if they feel like you?…  they do… no other reason… than they are human… This whole thing is a shit show… welcome to the stage… smile… let’s move the fuck on… need advice?… ask those around you… it will be awkward… believe me when I say that’s what it means to be an adult… believe me when I say they feel the same…

Shhh… you wanted the secret… well the secret was fucking lame… : )… not trying to be a dick… just saying… not trying to make you throw up… but let’s be honest… your parents have always felt the same… mind-blowing… fucking crazy… hug them all the same… because they did this… dealt with this all… long before you could ever think… fucking heroes… martyrs to the cause of it all… good or bad… they tried their fucking best… what else could you ever ask of them after all?… that’s love… Think about it… come back to me… when you understand… been there for years… just sinking in… Not original… only a copy… excuse me as I throw up at the thought… only human after all… haha… never been better than you… Never been better than the heroes I’ve loved… only human… hard at the thought… embrace my part… embrace who I am after all… why the fuck do you listen to me at all?… 

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Thoughts… comments…. leave them because all of this is fucking insane… just want to get better… don’t care about words like fame… money… I just want to sustain… so if that means negativity… if that means pain…  only want to get better… only want a reason to live… don’t care how lame… this is all I got out side of family… going to try whether or not you feel the same… all I ever wanted was to find people who feel the same… people to make me better… been a selfish ass… before I knew your name… hate me… I love you all the same… I love you for fucking being you… thank you… let the lead out… hurt no one but Know I Can Take It… maybe My Only Purpose… : )  

 

Throw Away Post … Before I Forget…

This is or might get weird… I’m aware that I have missed a post… and I am late on this one… the thoughts are on the wall… just trying to figure out what to say… 

Have you ever played Binding of Issac?… Fuck that game… the definition of a time fucking suck… I do it to myself… it is so fun and engaging… I get lost in it… next thing I know… hours have passed… and I’m sitting here… doing nothing but screaming at my computer… free time gone… emotions on high… and I have to wonder… what the fuck is the point of life?… 

We live to feel in engaged… to have a purpose… if I find enjoyment in the suffering… then is it really a waste of time?… Video games fuck with your mind… you are doing something… you are completing goals… you are winning… you are the best or whatever… but it don’t mean dick… worlds have actually been conquered without them… people have actually done things with their lives… the world was created without video games… and yet here we are… all of the death… all the suffering of the world… here I am screaming at a computer… because it fucked me… fuck that game… 

Okay… I’m done relating my bullshit problems to real suffering…  call it first world guilt… first world problems… I don’t care… modernization creates more problems than it solves… the boy and the fucking dam situation… the more we try to help ourselves the more we expose the main issue in  life… What to fucking do?… Why are we here?… and Why the fuck should I even bother?…  Things were once harder… yet they were easier… Mate, Feed, Kill, Repeat… simple… basic… but we are so god damn special… we are more than the animals we claim to be…

 What becomes when the equation is solved by modern convenience… that’s what I have been stuck on all weekend… who the fuck am I?… In this great a big ball of shit… Special?… fuck off… you and me have always been equal… we say oh no… they are special… no… we say they are great… we say they are our heroes… no… no… we are the same… it has always come down to what we believe… It is all enough to make you go fucking crazy… it is enough that it take over your whole weekend… a life time wondering… why I even open my fucking eyes… 

To play fucking Binding of Issac… to fucking lose… we find pain in failure… embarrassment… truth is… failure is life… what a shitty fucking joke… doesn’t change the facts… fake it until you make… fail until you master it… a slap in the face… a wake up call to the dead… flying by the seat of your pants… is how they tell you not to live… yet how did they get there in the first place?… head against a wall… going crazy… playing Binding of Issac… until I have won?…. 

 

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Knocked the Wind Out of Everything

Stress seems to affect us at different volumes and different values. Not everyone can handle what it takes anymore. The time they change things even if the game is the same. Used to be about survival now it’s about living. About doing nothing. The goals were once simple. Now the goal is to convoluted, to simple to comprehend. It wasn’t that long ago that there wasn’t enough people. Now there are too many. Positive or negative doesn’t matter laziness still poisons the well. Today nothing ever gets done because someone else will take care of it. Someone else will do it don’t worry. Who the fuck is this someone else?

Oh, I forgot it was me. Forty hours a week to make up for all the mistakes, all the things no one wants to do. This place drags me down. Consumes me and leaves me broken. All I hear is complaints about the shit that I don’t do because I’m too busy doing everything else. Poorly managed is an understatement. I think they train them to be stupid. Ignorant to the task at hand. Most of them have never been me and I don’t mean in a figurative sense. I mean they have never done what I have to do, what I have done. Pull these worthless fucks right out of college. Cool you can read. I can read too. I can read the units, the hours, the labor, and all the bull shit. I can feel what they are saying and what they are saying is that we are fucked. 

I often wonder if I was dropped on my head too many times or not enough. Decisions are made with the littlest of thought. The thought process. “I’m going to need you to wipe your feet before you enter the mud puddle. Hate for the dirt to get dirty.” I need this that and the other. All I need is for you to get the fuck out of the way. Smile and lose your fucking mind. Lead, follow, or get the fuck out of the way isn’t just catchy it is true. Instead fuck ups happen constantly and the only way is to keep letting them happen. They have the staff so stressed out and paranoid that they run around chasing a chicken with its head cut off. Stop chasing the chicken. Come back when the damn thing is dead. I get that dinner needs to be made. Trust me I fucking get it, but the plates are dirty, the preps not done, and the pot is still heating up. We’ve got time. 

God forbid you communicate that said idea is a bad one. Excommunicated from the conversion from there on. Condemned until it of course fucks up then you are to blame for its failure. I try to stay out of it. To stay away from it, but they drag you in. They need someone to blame, to take the fall but I can’t let go. I hang on their every word. Loyalty buried deep within my very existence. Stupidity running right beside it. Trust no one and no one can let you down. If only I could live by the words that I preach. If I could live by the way it was supposed to be.

What happened to do the job? What happened to hard work? Gave a way to reward the weak and bury the strong. I see that it pays to do nothing at all, but I can’t stand by and watch it fall. To watch everything I have worked for go to shit. Watching it all fail makes me feel as though I failed. Whether I get paid or not. The world should not work this way, but somehow it does. Somehow the world keeps turning and all I can think is fuck it all. 

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I’ve lost touch with reality, with the truth… The harsh reality that none of this actually matters… Forgot the meaning of life is nothing more than seeing the next day… One day I will lose as we all will, but taking on all this stress is only moving me closer to that day… Not closer to where I want to be… Finding that balance can take a life time… Don’t let it… The sooner the better… In the mean time hug a family member… your children… and take a moment for yourself…

If the world isn’t going to work the way that it should… Why should we?… If we can’t beat them… do what they do… and do it better… laughing all the way to my grave… fuck’em… 

Chewing On Glass… Year 2… Burning Down The House…

“Burning down the house while listening to Purple Rain. I set that mother fucker ablaze. An end to an era. An end to everything. We speak in broken records. Broken words that never make any sense. We drown our sorrows in pain. Choking on a glass of suffering. It all came to me once I understood the meaning of everything. Chewing on glass may never be the same. Screaming our please and thank yous. Were we ever normal to begin with? A life time in the making. A life time left to go. Where things go from here. Only the Devil and I know. “

“So, basically you are just going to ramp up the crazy from here on out?” She asks.

“Yeah, pretty much,” I say with a twisted smile.

 

I know what I am saying is ignorant
World’s based on ignorant themes
Fitting in was never easy
Taking the step off the bus into the darkness
Early morning thoughts only keep me mourning
Everything around me
Society or a group of assholes?

 

Sifting through the cold ashes of everything I know
Watching it all burn was a freedom you can’t control

 

Carving your name into bone
Don’t want to forget what I’m searching for
Really I just want to go home
So sick of only seeing your voice
Hearing your smile
Been so long since I found out
What it means to be ripped inside out

 

How do you do this?
Look to you for strength
As I stare into the abyss
That is my obsession and wonder
How do you do this to yourself?
For everyone else?
Wondering how I could be you
The strongest person I know
Weak and insecure
Kill myself if it wasn’t for you
Destroy everything 
If I didn’t think I could be you
How weak can I be
To dream of being someone who isn’t me
My love turns to admiration
One day I will become
Everything you’ve ever loved
Defining definition of everything
That has become my mission
(For My Mother)

 

“That is the best thing you haven’t said all day.”
Abigail Zaveri, The Reason Of All Things

 

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Been sitting on a lot of this for a while… felt good to get it off my chest… well out of my head… free up some space for other things… I should make a new logo for this year… I always come up with all of these ideas at the last second… this is why I need an editor… or an agent to point me in the right direction… 

My new obsession lately is building bird houses out of scrap wood… wire… and other random things that I find… when I finish the one I am working on… I will post pictures…

There is still time to get in any questions you may have… tonight or early next morning… still unsure how time works in the world… is the dead line… hopefully there will be enough or it is going to get really weird up in here… not really much of a threat… might happen anyway… one can hope… 

 

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