Shedding The Dead Skin

my side would it have made a difference?… these questions have no answers… these questions, therefore, are not real questions at all… they are only lingering thoughts that haunt me in times of sadness and despair…

Left a little space for what I have to say
Fuck off and go away

My head is not on right today
As though I’ve run out of things to say

With scars so deep it is amazing I can even sleep

try to not focus on them, to dwell on them, but I always know they are still there… my daughter has become a constant reminder of this… I look at her sometimes as she sleeps, as she plays, and all I can think is how could anyone walk away from her?… walk away from their child?… hurt their child?…

Like a shotgun blast to the chest, I’m back and I’m dead. Can’t stand all the words in my head.

We are all running from something

Finding a place to fill in my heart
That place between living and dying

yet I am proof that it can happen… not only a witness… a victim… still I don’t understand… a real thought… turns into so many real questions… maybe it was always meant to be this way?… to feel this way?… 

The worst part of being alive
Is knowing that you are human

I’m on the wrong side of hating it
Wrong side of hate

I’m surprised you haven’t gone onto choke on a dick yet

do I believe in God?… should I?… if this is her way of testing me… could she stop?… I think I’ve had enough… who cares what I think… when I’ve never had a say… faith… like the questions… is something… I don’t understand…

Drowning angels in a river of sin
Sure there’s got to be an easier way

This is how you kill an hour
Staring at a wall

Too pissed to say anything that means anything
Mind cluster fucked by all the shit you can’t seem to say

You look back and think this is fucked up, this part was wrong, but in reality, this is life… Nothing ever goes perfectly… Nothing goes to plan… Do the best you can and hope for even more… There’s no script for this shit… It just is or isn’t… sometimes… in some ways… it can be both…

It’s symbolic of the way I feel

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Ghost small

Missing you with every passing moment
Haunting you in the dark
Right there all along
Watching you
With
A
Haunted
Love

Broken Thoughts

I wrote the novel
Now I just have to write the story
If you stop to think about it
I know you’d never do it
The meaning loses effort
As soon as we stop to realize
What it means

What am I doing here?
Wasting time in between the lines

I could run but what does that say about me
What do I care about what people think
Human nature, self-conscious, maybe

Feel as though I don’t matter
Because I don’t
How long does it take to build trust
Don’t know
Lost in my head with a shitty name
Lost in thought but who could tell
Working out the problems is taking too long
Saving up for nothing, can I ask a favor
If I give you the lighter fluid
Do you think that you could provide the light
Didn’t think so but it’s okay
Seems as though only ones prepared
Is the enemy
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Multitasking right now… but you didn’t know that… well, you do now… for some reason WordPress wants all my text to be in grey… not that I don’t feel that way at times… but I want the text to be black… annoying… but considering I don’t have to write the script… maintain some shit… or do anything beyond highlight and change it back… I guess I can’t complain… turns out I just did… maybe grey is the way to go today… 

Crossing The River Of Hypocrasy

Rest Forever When We Are Dead
The feeling slips away from me
Your soft skin drags across the floor
The shredded self of worthlessness
Deception is the only way to communicate
Letters become words
Broken sentences of a useless paragraph
They say you’re dead
But when you died is undecided
Killed you in my mind so long ago
So I thought, believe in nothing until
You stand on the grave
A six-foot ditch I dug just for you
No one asked, took it upon myself
Because you know we are friends
Don’t mistake the smile for anything less
I’ve never wanted anything more
Then to listen to your final breath
God and country could never take away
What I’ve already been given

Unholy Conciseness
Off in the shadows
Consumed by the darkness
Baptized in misery
Visions of blood so red
Heart so black
Call of the demon
Call of the damned
Could I even
Stop this
The moment is eclipsing
Shuttered, shuttered from the light
Two ideas come together
Neither of which
Will make it alright
Seen so many things
That don’t make any sense
Sign after sign
Ignoring them as if
As if they aren’t
A burning red symbol in the sky
My mind rots with every thought
As though any of this is real
And not a psychosis deep inside of me
I think that maybe everything
Will only be better drifting away
Unhappy because you exist
A part of me I wished away
Visions of God dancing through my head
What she means to me
Savior and sin
How could something so beautiful
Ever be this deceitful
Stories built upon lies with buried truths
Right and wrongly decided based on the judged
Who the fuck are you in this
Unholy conciseness

It’s A Funny Story… Even If It Isn’t…

Trying something new… Imagine that… I haven’t written anything new outside of poetry and the new story I am working on… Sadly that isn’t for the website… Redoing my next book… well kind of… I had this whole theme I was running through the whole book… I didn’t like it… not the story, but the theme… or the idea… shit happens… so I am overhauling a few things… and none of this matters… 

Recently I have decided that I’m really into boardgame boards… it is for an art project that I have locked in my head… so I went to my local Goodwill… and picked up any that I found interesting… one of them happened to be the Match Game… or so I thought… what I actually got was some came from the 70’s called The Ungame… yeah I had never heard of it either… more about the history of the game here… well the point of the game is to start a conversation or get you talking… the concept is just lame enough that I am in love with it… so at least once a week… I will be posting a question from the game… there are a fuck ton of questions… I will give my answer and then it is your turn… yeah… we are going to play a little game… 

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This Week’s Question

What activity do you engage in that involves all of you: your mind, your body, and your soul?

(Softball question I know… It’s the first week…) The most obvious answer for me is writing… I put everything into this… my books… and my projects… so I’m not going to waste your time telling you something you could have guessed…So I am going to have to go with the thing that takes more of me than writing… My daughter… 

Mind… my daughter tests me every day with her three million questions about the same thing… or when she says… “I show you… I show you”… when she wants me to hear her sing… as I am trying to put out a grill fire… life be damned… stop and look at me… or when I have to hear Twinkle Twinkle Litte Star one more damn time… when all I want to do is listen to my favorite song… 

Body… whether she is digging her tiny little feet into me like I don’t exist… or swinging her arms at me like a crazed mad woman when she doesn’t want to leave the park… making me look like a kidnapper or awful person… or screaming into my ear to the point that it rings… because why not… “You’re so funny”… No, I’m so deaf now… 

Soul… because I would give her mine without a second thought… even if it was to add only one more second to hers.. she is one wild crazy ass child… but every moment with her is worth whatever it cost… I don’t think the meaning of life is to create life… but I do believe that she has become my purpose in this world…

 

Can’t wait to hear your answer to the question… Even if it is writing… what are you working on?… Until it is my turn again… check out my wares at AmazonThreadless… 

 

Broken Thoughts

Gunshots in the distance
Another life robbed of its innocence
Plagued by those around me
Fear that maybe were too similar
For existence
Said you’d exist but did we ever
Bleeding thoughts from your mind
Symptoms so familiar
As if I read it off the back of a piece of paper
Think you know what’s wrong with everyday
Breaking down the thoughts to prove how wrong
I like your ideas, so smart of you
So sad just how sad all of this makes us
Like sawing off a limb for no reason at all
Sure we have our reasons but do we
Time has taught us so much about nothing at all
Where to be when we aren’t needed
Where in the day we’ve started staring at the floor
Who could have known time would have ever been
So important to what we know
Do onto others as they do to you
Only works if you are doing the right thing
But who is right? When we are all wrong?
Think you own me, have no idea what that entails
Are you really ready to take control?
Didn’t think so, so go ahead and let go
Let me know when you’re ready to destroy
Tell me when you know
How horrible it is to grow old
Desolate, destination unknown
Feel your hands gripping my soul
So go ahead and let go
Let it all go, slave to a system that enslaved you
Nothing more than a fascist statement
Carbon copy of those around you
You’re rebelling against what you don’t even know
So different yet all the same
Fit into something, bring me the leader
Hydra with so many heads
The masters never intended for any of this
To survive
Nothing has ever been built to last

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Would seem that these thoughts fall into the political realm… oddly they were written about my job… so not quite as epic in scope… but if you put your life under the microscope you may find that the things happening on a world scale… are also happening right there in front of you… the consequences aren’t as dire as a nuclear blast… but that doesn’t mean it can’t hurt as much as one… think about it… pain is subjective to how you feel… not what someone else can take… we like to compare someone else’s pain to our own… they aren’t comparable… relatable?… sure… do others have it worse?… always… doesn’t down grade your suffering though… as comforting it may be to think about…

If you want to help others… you have to help yourself first… In New York… and possibly other places… we have this theory… saying… whatever… about people falling on ice… Never catch them… Stop them… Let them fall… it sounds awful… what piece of shit person sees someone falling and does nothing?… But there is a reason… can’t help someone if you both are in need of help… who will help the two of you?…

It is things like that… that makes me miss the cold… the bitter truth of life… the honesty of trying to survive… something lost in translation depending on where you live… Same goes for pain… hurt… suffering… no one knows exactly how you feel… that’s what this line means to me… “Let it all go, slave to a system that enslaved you,”… it is me rationalizing that my bosses aren’t just assholes… (though they may be… never rule anything out…) but rather they are suffering just like me… a different way… sure… everyone is only trying to survive… I double down on this idea with this line… “Fit into something, bring me the leader”… This idea that you are in charge is a false idea… there are so few of us on the planet who are actually in charge of our lives… and it isn’t even the ones that you think… those of us that fit into society… locked into in… lack the necessary means to be in control of our lives…

That is what we trade for structure… we trade fear… suffering for peace of mind… but someone forgot to mention… these things can’t be traded… given away… they evolve like a virus… becoming stronger over nothing… we become plagued by these fear that we thought we left… that we forget the point of life is to live… that winning isn’t the mansion… the fast car… the nice clothes… but breathing another day… an idea that is lost in translation… uncomparable between different parts of the earth… some of us have it easier… but better?… what is better?… 

There are things to get angry about and things to just brush aside… the problem with the world isn’t that we are all wrong… it is that we are not focused… “Hydra with so many heads”… No battle is ever won by throwing everything you have at once… it takes focus… no one can truly understand what is going on by trying to figure it all out at once… 

 

 

Laughing In the Face of Darkness

There is a story I’m always trying to tell
It doesn’t have a beginning, middle, but it does have an end
It is long, some might say endless
A story I can never seem to get straight
Give it all I got, in the end, it never makes any sense
Wish you could see my thoughts as they see me
My hopes and dream is that maybe one day
You can feel what it is like to be me
Bleed thoughts onto the page, inhale words to live another day
If only it was all for something
Wonder if I would have more to say
Living life in reverse is no way to live
Search for the middle without anywhere to begin
Another day wasted, I’m wasting away
How much more of this shit am I willing to take
Standing still, standing right here as I always have
Had no other options so what choice did I have
Feel as though I have said this all before
Staring Into the Screen
Hollowed out valley, acting as a megaphone
What’s the best way to get banned from Twitter?
Saying how you really feel even if for a second
Don’t be silly, popularity has always counted
Being an asshole has always been second nature
To getting to the top
All of this has rules, follow them if you want to be
Left behind, mixed signals waving me in
Always at home waiting for me
A coffin built, paid off in blood
No one builds anything just with their hands, any more
Sandcastle made out of ashes, inhale, exhale
The poison doing its work
Have more in common than I thought
Excessive and over the limit
I present you with the evidence
The answer to the question

Don’t give a fuck about the flowers
Don’t give a fuck about the bees
Don’t give a fuck about you
And I definitely don’t give a fuck about me

I’m just fucking with you all
Silly girls shouldn’t play with guns
Broken hearts are for your children
The ones left dead in the dumpsters
Too sick to get the rest out of my head
What was it I was beginning to say
Something about wishing you away
These thoughts they come and go
Though they always seem to stay in place
Big boys don’t cry they tear your heart out
Broken psyches are pointless after forty-five

Bathed in blood I could use a hug
From the person, I used to be

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You’d think after two hundred of these things… I would have something to just cut and paste… or copy and paste if you’re nasty… or if you are like me… too lazy to hit backspace… feeling at odds with myself… not lost… not standing in place… only going with the random thoughts in my head… This post didn’t end where I thought it would… satisfied none the less… turning the lights on and off… haunted with the madness coursing through my veins… sometimes it works… and sometimes it doesn’t… I guess that’s the point of going off the deep in… 

AmazonThreadless… if you don’t already know… these are the places I house my soul… 

And Other Things From This Time Preview

Faithless

I have no faith in anyone who doesn’t have faith in me
Revolutionary I know, I had a dream once
Then woke up to reality
Subconscious thinking doesn’t mean anything
The world works on some other sort of level
Inherently fucked and grateful for the chance
It would be best if there is no God
How anyone could follow someone who abandoned them
Is beyond me, had a vision now I’m on another level
Invested in broken thoughts everything makes sense
Crossandra’s look great on your porch
Even better on your grave, a location we can’t avoid
Our ignorance rules our lives
So sick of justifying thoughts that should be common sense
The worlds not listening so maybe I should shut the fuck up
Where’s the fun in that
A constant stream of thought that means nothing at all

Emotionally Stressed

I’m so sick of these feelings
This need to please everyone
When I know damn well it’s not good enough
Putting myself out on a daily basis
Backing my ass up and begging for the pain
Gambling on not winning at all
Why can’t everyone see that it’s all useless like me
Maybe they do or maybe they’re just too stupid to let go
Oh, I forgot how immature I can seem
A constant reminder from the ones that have never even spoken to me
Cuts on my fingers make me as dumb as them
Must be in the water we drink and not in the way we think
Bleeding for a chance to say go fuck yourself
There’s nothing here except heartache
And yet here I stay torturing my soul
A shitty romance of blood and bone
I am the source of all my pain
Directly fucking myself day after day
If giving up was so easy then why hasn’t it worked already
I blame my mother for reasons I don’t know…

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I’m sure I have posted these before… running out of things to preview at this point… but they fit into my “work sucks” theme for this week… either directly or indirectly… strap in for Wednesday… long rant on that day… so I will keep this short and to the point… haha… have I ever?… 

Crossandra’s look great on your porch”… an indirect reference to my job… also I literally stole it off the side of one of our signs… does that make me a plagiarist?… have I just admitted guilt?… also a Crossandra is a type of flower… no idea what kind… like I said I stole the line… partly because it was sitting right in front of me while I was writing this poem and the other reason being I didn’t know what it was… inspiration can come from anywhere… 

 “Oh, I forgot how immature I can seem, A constant reminder from the ones that have never even spoken to me”… these two lines are based on something that actually happened… lost out on a promotion because I was too “immature” for such a position… so anyone who has read this blog long enough… probably already knows I didn’t take that well… especially because there was no merit in that comment… but of course I didn’t react in a very mature way… I gave into this person’s comment and became the very thing I proclaimed I wasn’t… fucking hate people… life… and reason at times…

I didn’t do anything extreme… still work for the company after all… I just kind of let go… my thought process was why hold it all together… if it is all for nothing?… so I switched departments and watched the last one burned to ashes… that same person was missing me, after all, was said and done… you want immature… I’ll give you immature… and wish you the best of luck… : )

Still trying to sell my soul across the internet at Threadless… and Amazon… If you are interested… And Other Things From This Time is available on Amazon… for free with Kindle Unlimited… paperback $8… and digital $5…