Calling Me Home… Calling Me…

If I Only Knew

Panic attacks are the only way I can feel
My own heartbeat as it beats through my chest
I’m so lost I don’t exist anymore
The feelings I once had I don’t have
Anymore
I see myself
Sickening, sickly, sick
I see myself slipping down further than I ever thought
A deep dark hole carved into a home
Locked away in a shadow, through the darkness
In myself I see
Always give myself one more day
This life is the longest day I will ever know
And starting tomorrow I’ll only have to let go
Who I am, who I’ve been, who I will be
My fears are only the will to live
My fears fade away as the day goes on
If it wasn’t for this need
Existence would be an excuse
March to my own grave
If only I had known
This would have been my home

 

Here

I’ll wait here
It’ll be fine
Said no one ever
And meant it
Nothing
Is ever okay
Thoughts in my head
Still not dead
Feelings breaking out
Peeling back the skin
Of my mind
I’ll wait here
It’ll be fine
Nightmares have never been dreams
Reality is a whole other thing
Something I can’t truly believe in
What if there is a God?
What if this is hell?
What difference would it make?
At this point
In this moment
I’ll be right here
It’ll be fine

 

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I’m thinking about getting into mumble rap… turns out I have already written several albums worth of material… today actually… what can I say… I am an overachiever… an asshole… and a genius in a genre I never knew I could have been apart of… which is why as of today… as of now… I have decided to retire from my mumble rap career to focus on my poetry and stories… Thank you to all of those who have followed… supported… loved me… through out my career… For those of you who do not know what mumble rap is… I am jealous… envious even… okay I am done being an asshole… haha… just kidding… see you all Wednesday… for Part 24 of the Asshole Chronicles… A Day In The Life… 

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Chutoro Dawn

We once said yes
We once admitted that love exists
Upon a time there was a me and you
Sixteen counts of murder
Forty five different sins
Had to come down to this at some point
Flashing moments that this could last
Fleeting idea that there was more to this
Upon a time, upon a burning body
Staring into each others eyes
Seventeen counts of murder
Forty six different sins
Had to be a reason this went on for so long
Young love seems so irresponsible
Lust only a reason to drive us on
Upon a time, upon your naked body
The blood drips and the love dies
Eighteen counts of murder
Forty seven different sins
Me and you until the very end

 

It was like praying to God while the devil stands by your side… Something was happening but not what you ever wanted…

 

Standing in the darkness
Staring right through it
Your body lies in pieces
A work of art 
Made of flesh and blood
Hacked off all the limbs
To prove a point
The darkness consumes me
I have to admit
I’m starting to like this
Laughing through the pain
Laughing right through it
Your agony was therapeutic
Chaotic and to the point
Getting right down to the core of it
I’m starting to understand who I really am

 

We get lost in all these stupid fucking words… These endless conversations about nothing that when something important comes up… We are at a loss for words…

 

With marked bullets piercing my chest
There can be no rest

The wicked have fallen to the saints of all things
The lie spread through religion
The lie living within us all
Flames rise up, surrounded by a wall of fire
Breaths become shallow, inhaling the flames
Devil broken, beaten, and gone
The evil lies within
The evil consumes the meek
Massacre in the streets
Blood rises with the tide
Full moon catharsis
Pray for lies to become truth
Pray for soul
All you know locked in a book of lies
Locked away deep in your mind

 

The Ungame turn…. fuck I don’t know anymore… “If someone were to write a book about you… What do you think they would call it?”…. How Much Time Do You Have?… haha… actually it is titled… Fuck… I Hate It Here… one day I will finish it… one day… I keep telling myself… 

Threadless… shirts… Amazon… books… Etsy…. art… Thank you to all of those that support me every day… 

Chewing On Glass Dog Theme

Broken Thoughts

Somewhere in the darkness
Just before the light
Lies something so dark
It hides in plain sight
Worlds live and breathe
A price to pay
A debt so low
What could come from this
If nothing at all
Watch the sky as it burns
Even on the darkest nights
Still can see the blood
Who does it bleed for
If not for you and me
The truth so hard to find
When the lies become so easy to digest

 

A bible left on a bench
Verses stuck in my head
Bleeding for a cause
Dying for the dead
Wait out the end of the world
Cautiously continuing what’s already been done
Too afraid to try anything new
Coughing up blood from all the fun
Destroying everything I love
If I knew why I’d tell you
Locked away in my mind
All that matters at the time

 

Taking this one step at a time
Taking it one step further than Christ
Gave up all my sins
Now there’s nothing left
Dragging myself up the cross once again
The pain comes on fast than slow
Growing old with so much left to go
Who am I if I am without sin
Who am I to beg for forgiveness
Drinking blood to understand where this began
The body begs the question of what have I done
Said you’d never leave now here I stand
All alone with nowhere to go

 

Easier to lie than to live your life
Spitting blood for the taste
Waiting out the storm of our lives
Hidden in the dark never had a reason why
Feel as though all of this has been said before
Giving into the reason why
Without context doesn’t make much sense
Nothing ever really does
Picking out the parts that I like
So broken left dead inside
Who I’ve always wanted to be

 

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Been trying to get back into Twitter lately… been very lazy or very busy… depends on where your sympathies lie… stack of canvases that need to be finished… worked on… done something with… a stack of ideas that need to be worked on as well… I keep piling it on… forcing myself to take on more… spend the time wondering why?… have I always been this way?… am I only noticing it now after all this time… always moving… always going… what does it mean to sit still?… in my broken… warped mind… it means certain death… a fallacy I want to believe… rather than one I need to believe… so there has been that as well…

Me trying to relax… and dare I say… have fun… it isn’t going well… I don’t get it… I don’t like it… but I know I need it… I need to learn to enjoy what I have before it is gone… those around me… my friends… my family… society as a whole… there is some shitty metaphor about how no one is an island… true even if I keep trying to disprove such a thought… a notion… that I could be wrong… all of this is weighing on me… my mind… the question… what do I want from life?… 

I have no idea… I spent so much time avoiding the question… running from it… putting things in front of it to hide behind… nothing stops it… like the great Jason Voorhees that fucking question just keeps coming… except maybe one thing… one possible outcome to put this damn demon to rest… an answer… a solution to the problem and question… and that is the real issue… I don’t have an answer… I don’t have a realistic idea of what I want… all I have is a fantasy… a lie.. I keep telling myself to get by… as we all know… we can only lie for so long until the lie falls apart… 

That was a lot to lay on you… and this is yet another moment that I will dwell on… where does all this come from?… now you know… even if it is only a glimpse of how I see the world… see myself in it… been human for so long… ready to be so much more… time will tell if any of this ever gets better… 

“Not all martyrs see divinity, but at least you tried”….
Maynard James Keenan, Eulogy, Tool

 

Threadless Shirts… Amazon Words in the form of books… Etsy… Thoughts in the form of art… 

Begging Me To Stay…

The skin bleeds as the knife digs deeper
My skin spreads open revealing bone
The skin peels back as I pull
My skin lies in a pile on the floor
The skin is a metaphor for something I don’t know
My skin is missing but I am whole
Who I’ve always been
A separation between skin and man

 

Every silver car and every crowed stream
I’m sick of always cooking on your dreams
Starting to get to me
All the leftovers of your evil ways
Clogged arteries and every fast food chain
How many different ways do you need to die
Go ahead discuss, I’m all ears
Beat me over the head with your fears
Here are a few of mine
That all of this won’t sink in
Okay I have more
Not enough time to give a fuck
Dancing on the way to our deaths
Join the conga line you un-American prick
Subscribe here to submit your like
They make the difference we couldn’t commit
How can we fail if we’re already dead
How could any of this ever matter
Except for in our heads

 

Forever is forever and eternity is only for a second
Eternity is eternity and life is only for a minute
Life is life and thought is only for an hour
Thought is thought but suffering is for a lifetime

 

Can you see everything you’ve become
Every little thing you have done
Like memories burning in the sun
Feel every ray and question why
Projections of thoughts against the wall
Reflecting on nothing at all
In some way became something
Each and everything
Apart of something bigger
Picture unclear, vision blurry
Think one day I’ll know
By then it will be too late
Time has a way of reflecting
The things locked inside our minds
Now is not the time or place
But at the end it all becomes clear
So we hope, so we believe
Kneeling down to you
Standing before the altar of time
All the signs pointing in every direction
All the paths wide open
What do I do?… 

 

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Got a little weird with it today… felt like a weird day to me… maybe because I actually got some sleep?… unsure been awhile since this has happen to me… anyone with kids will understand this next part… had the night off from my daughter… had the whole night to do anything I wanted… so I chose to sleep… and we can all agree I made the best choice… 

Been working on more paintings… will be posting more in the next few months on my Etsy… I’ve even been working on some stuff that isn’t just paintings… trying to unlock something in my mind that I know is hidden in there somewhere… what it is I’m looking forward to finding out… 

In the mean time… you can check out more on Amazon… books… Threadless… shirts… Etsy… art… and any comments or reviews are always helpful… thank you for taking the time… see you all Monday… by then this good mood should have worn off… : )

Broken Thoughts

We try to recreate things from memory
From feeling, never the same in our heads
Misquoting everything in sight
So we begin this story of deceit
From within, from the soul
Need you to relate even if it is only
To prove a point
Selfishness runs deep
Ignorance so much deeper
Diseased and seeking some sort of care
The depression is so much worse with them
Broken and needing something more
So blind to everyone else’s needs

 

Turns out I traded one mask for another after all

 

Your death rattle escape
Won’t shake all the demons free
Still lurking in the darkness
We’ve been waiting a long time
We’ll keep waiting with all the patience
Of a saint, a devil in disguise
Wings made of bone and tarred on feathers
We know pain above anything else
We’ve known its caress since the dawn of time

Always on the fence. I’m always on the fence.

 

I gave it all up for this?
These feelings don’t subside
These feelings grow deeper
Slip into the cracks of my broken heart
Give it another year
Give me a whole lifetime
Waste it once again
If I could do it over
So unsure I would
Life gets easier with time
Because the will to live
Goes with it
Gave up my soul for something I don’t know
Want it back but I’m so unsure

 

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Lets keep this odd train a rolling… was on my way to work today when an odd thought came across my mind… civil services is the only job where it is okay to be an asshole to the ones that pay you… the only job where it is an actual possibility that you could beat your employer too much… if I even raised a fist to someone I work with I would be fired instantly… yet a cop could hit you with a baton and as long as you seemed like you were resisting… perfectly legal… if I’m not careful how I talked to someone at work… it would cost me my job… but a judge could and can talk down to you… they can literally judge you… and they are applauded for it… basically I got in the wrong line of work… 

Could you imagine for a moment though… if these things were reversed… sure it could suck… take the suck out for a moment… but things might actually be more efficient… if people actually thought something could happen to them… sure we still speed… we still break the law… but many of us don’t for fear that a baton might come across our face… or we could get shot… but at my work at least… many of them have the attitude I get paid either way… or as one of my fellow “Hard Workers” said to me… “Why are you organizing? It is only going to get messed up again”… (insert I may kill you face)… I wonder why that might be?… 

I don’t know… only a broken thought that I stumbled across… 

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Broken Thoughts

It’s been a minute…

Gave up more than I’m willing to admit
Pushed it away like it meant nothing
Lied to myself and wonder why I’m so fucked up
Liar, cheat, piece of shit
My anxiety starts right here with me
Gave away more of me then I’d like to admit
God can judge me and the devil can have me
Already knew I belonged to a worthless existence
Wish it wasn’t so easy to feel like this
Gave up so much already
How much more am I willing to give
After it is all said and done

 

Breaking up the moments of everyday life
The bitching becomes routine and only you know why

 

16 hours ago who knows where I was
But 16 hours from now I know exactly where I’ll be
Stuck here thinking about you again
Rotting brain but somehow it all seems okay
Even if the thoughts of murder, suicide, experimentation
Are deemed mildly insane
32 hours spent drowning you in your own blood
Was well worth the lack of sleep
Prison sentence, maybe not, maybe I never left
Always been locked inside my head
Sure it bothers you in some way
Completely normal
Doubt I’d ever do it, never know until you push
Not everything we think, we say
Can be normal in every way
(Completely edited and messed around with this one… more at the bottom..)

 

Picking up the pieces that are left of my life
I’m not sure how much of it can be put back in place
Spent too long thinking there was no end in sight
Neglected everything around me
My friends, my family, everything but myself
Selfishness, who I am, who I’ve always been
Excuses I tell myself to justify my actions
Unforgiving and out of touch
The pieces slip through my hands
Trail of blood, a trail of pain, a stream of consciousness
All the little fears I tell myself to get by
Smash my head into place

Bloody Words Logo

 

As promised the unedited version of that Broken Thought… Not all things start out how they were originally written… (Bold parts are the changed or omitted parts)…

16 hours ago who knows where I was
But 16 hours from now I will know exactly where I am
Stuck here thinking about you again
Rotting brain but somehow it all seems okay
Even if the thoughts of murder, suicide, experimentation
Are deemed mildly insane
What can I say not everything we think about
Can be normal in every way
Alright I know it’s not okay but it feels right
32 hours spent drowning you in your own blood
Was well worth the lack of sleep
Prison sentence, maybe not, only one way to tell
Doubt I’ll do it, but never know until you push
Sure it bothers you in some way
Feel the same if it wasn’t so normal to me
To feel this way
What can I say not everything we say
Can be normal in every way

As you can see I cut a lot of fat… changed or condensed some lines or thoughts… I also wrote a few totally new lines as well… In some ways it changes the context of the thought… but only by a little… Often in these Broken Thoughts that happens… Mostly because some of these broken pieces of thoughts are years old… I have changed… a little not much… but enough that my thoughts have changed on the matter… 

Threadless… shirts… Amazon… books… Etsy… art… until next time… enjoy your day… 

It Just Keeps Coming At Me…

Signals in the Sky

The blood is so faint
It disappears with the rest of the stains
The cracks of the floor
Each grain nothing more than a track
I can feel it’s warmth
Even as I stare
Watch it as it goes
Drips through the floor
Drips down to disappear
The blood is so dark
As though it is made of something else
Comes together to form a paste
Before drying into stains
A second skin made from inside
The time it takes
Is time I do not have
The time it doesn’t wait
Fine I guess, I suppose
If you’re not me

 

A Long Ways from Home

Driving, driven to think about all of this shit
A mountain, a hole filled with everything to lose
If I could leave would I
If any of this really mattered would I walk or stay
Ideally my ideals don’t mean much to me
Deep rooted sense of entitlement
Think I’m so much better than I really am
The writer and the gun, running out of ammunition
Thoughts seem to go on and on without making any sense
Trading one problem for another, life is troublesome
Taking everything for granted with no enjoyment of the moment
Too many words describe my failures in this life
One life wasted on shit that keeps coming
Words of wisdom wasted on a dying mass
Good plague, the right change in the wind could really go a long ways

 

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I don’t have a whole hell of a lot to say today… shocking I know… so I’m just going to unload a bunch of random songs on you… no reason… As always… things can be found at ThreadlessAmazon… and now Etsy… Maybe I should organize my comics today… that sounds mildly exciting… anyway… here are some songs to fill up your head space… hope you enjoy…