Then It Hit Me… Lazy Sunday… Two Days Early

Beginning of Time

Feel as though I had something to say
Oh well didn’t matter anyway
I can’t turn it off
Even when I’m done
Keeps building well past the point
Of being fun
In the end we” just wish for being dead
In the end we’ll all live in sin
Do you know what I mean
When I question the idea of being alive
Do you know what it means
To watch it all die
Feel as though I had something to say
I guess it doesn’t matter anyway

 

Made Me

Standing naked in front of a mirror
A common occurrence among the self-conscious
Judge every flaw as though I had a hand at all
A common misconception among the humane
Bleeding to know why
Bleeding to feel the pain
Understand this is not for me
A girl among the wolves of man
A woman torn to shreds
Forgive me if I can’t forgive
Forgive me if I can’t forget
Who I am is who I never wanted to be
If the words are true
I am how you made me

 

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A bit lazy today… my mind has been all blank… nothing really to say… though I’d love to speak… loved to sit here and spend the time writing… problem is… I’ve only been sitting here… no point in forcing it… hasn’t worked so far… I’m going to go try to sit in another chair and see if that helps…

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Broken Thoughts… Good For Your Health?…

Probably not… but here we go anyway… 

 

Share A Time In Your Life When You Were Embarrassed?

So glad that you asked… my first post… had no fucking idea what I was doing… three days in I was thinking… why did I even bother… should give up and quit… now these words and thoughts are all over the internet… how could I ever believe I would connect with anyone in this world… then it happened… a like… one like… meant more to me than anything had in years… someone actually thought my thoughts were worth a like… my whole attitude towards this mess… changed… rode the “like” dragon for a while after that… but that is a whole other story… so if you hate or like anything that I am doing you can thank the liker… Little Fears… it is all his fault… 

 

Why Do Some Kids Use Drugs?

This is always something that I have gotten… but then at the same time don’t understand at all… I drink and I do other things that I shouldn’t… I’d main line caffeine if I thought it could keep my eyes open for five more minutes… I’m not above it… I’m not above anything… I believe in free will… good or bad… we need to make our own choices… that is life to me… but if you can watch Requiem For A Dream… and right after be like Heroin looks like a fun drug… go fuck yourself… because that is all you are doing… there is no escape from all of this… we can visit… we can think that there is… but this is fucking life… as shitty and as grand as it can be… this is it… with that said I’ve never done acid… and I’ve heard nothing but bad things… torn between my beliefs… my responsibilities… the reality of life… so why do some kids use drugs?… because they want the escape… they want to take that escape hatch to some place else… not to Wonderland… not to greatness… but a darkness that I never want to understand… 

Also… watch Requiem For A Dream… fuck the US anti drug campaign… that is all anyone should ever need… There is also Candy... Trainspotting… you know what don’t do fucking drugs… the shit is awful… if you want to get high… go run or… you know what go help someone less fortunate than you… Life is fucking hard… and I love you… Destroying yourself… will never lead to something better… 

 

What Feelings Do You Have The Most Trouble Expressing?

Face to face?… honesty… I’m a great fucking liar… I like too… I enjoy the shit out of it… not change your life… fuck you over lies… but know that if I retell a story about anything we have done… how our day went… that shit is going to be epic… which is odd… because when I write… when I do the first draft of these blogs and thoughts… it is so easy to say the truth… so easy that it is boring… I go back… think how would I say this to your face… 

With that said… the only person I have no problem being honest to their face… is my wife… we have to lie to our children… when they are young at least… and even then I try not too… in fact my wife is always telling me to dial it back… she is three… haha… but I can’t lie to my wife… she has my heart on a string…  a life support that I need… but face to face?… you and me?… I’m probably lying about something…

 

When You Are Alone And No One Can See You or Hear You, What Do You Like To Do?

First off… am I in a fucking coma?… because I have a three-year old… with the worst case of ADHD I could possible imagine… that I have long since abandon my believe on the subject… this shit is real people… love that monster… but she is fucking crazy… honestly I feel bad for the rest of you… haha… good luck… I did my best… 

This question should be pretty obvious… I like to write… I always have… since I was thirteen… back when I thought writing was just writing words that rhythm… so yesterday… haha… seriously… early me… “I like gopher guts in gruel… because I hate school”… that’s real… hey… be jelly… thirteen year old me was fucking awesome… that’s why I had no friends and endless time to fail… fail I did… so hard… fun fact of life… you have to fail… failure is the only way to get better… well that an repetition… but if you aren’t failing… what the fuck are you doing?… 

 

What Is Your Favorite Food?

Yakisoba… all fucking day every fucking day… specifically… yakisoba from this tiny ass noodle shop in Misawa Japan… Cheese Roll Noodle… no idea if that is the real name of the place… but that is what we called it… when I lived there… the food… the food is so fucking good… I miss Japan every day… most of all I miss that place… if I could live there I would… no need for pay… just feed me… well now I’m depressed… too far from home I suppose… if you are ever in that tiny ass town in northern Japan… you have to go there… because what else are you going to do?… get drunk at train park?… 

I miss Japan so much… when I was there I didn’t really care for Anime… now that I am here in the US… I love Anime… Manga… not just for their apparent greatness… I’ve gotten ahead of myself… I like Anime’s that deal with every day life… because I miss the street signs… I miss the roads… I miss the fucking exit signs… Mini Stop food… the hundred Yen stores… the weather… the smells… the shrines… everything… Air Gear I hear is a shit Anime… love that shit… not enough shots of the locations though… Chobits… amazing… FLCL… the end shots of the streets… I miss Japan every day… 

 

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I hope you enjoyed this edition of Broken Thoughts… All questions came from that Ungame…. game I talked about a few months back… I know… that was supposed to be a thing… never turned out that way… alright I’m done sharing… enjoy your day… thanks for sitting through the madness… to learn a little bit more about me… 

 

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Shorter Is Always Better…

Only Way This Ends

Weak against the strong
The current will carry us all
How you treat one
Will determine how we fall
Weak against the strong
The current situation affects us all
The weak verses the strong
The weak against the strong
Who will kill us all

 

Five More Minutes

Running out of things to say
Might be time to take a break
And run away
A way from the guilt
All the pain
Times are tough even
With a mind full of shit to say
Wish it all could go away
Treated, medicated the time has passed
Forgetting, forgiveness it all couldn’t last
Can’t let go of the past
Dreading the future of all things left
Predicting predictions full of shit
Time last forever in my head

 

Chewing On Glass Logo

Chewing On Glass

Going retro with the logo today… Which despite being done by the amazing artist… Jock… doesn’t really fit the whole aesthetic of what I’m trying to do here… then again what the fuck am I doing here?… haha… also I don’t own the rights to the art… though I did at more blood… pixel by pixel… okay I added five red squares of blood and then said fuck it… I think I am still legally protected by fair use laws… (I’m not sure… but if I had to guess… I am not protected at all…)

So why am I talking about old logos?… well lately I have been thinking of revamping the website… adding more pages… more logos… some other shit… which got me thinking about making short films and GIFs… because that’s how my brain works… and because I don’t have enough shit to avoid at the moment… really I just want more blood… lots of blood… like the scene in the Shining… 

blood wall

My favorite part about this movie… and this scene… is when the blood splashes against the white wall… I looked for a longer GIF… but this was the best one… the chaos of it all… sends shivers done my spine… shivers of excitement… hopefully I am retreading on facts you already know… but Kubrick was somehow able to convince the ratings board at the time… that all that red was rusty water… that to me alone is insane… great film if you haven’t seen it… you should… “I’m not going to hurt cha”….

Anyway… more blood… that is where this was going… more blood… darker images… and a thousand more broken promises… things to look forward to… on Chewing On Glass… 

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Because Everything Can’t Be So Serious… Or Can It?…

Might be leaving here with very little battery life
But I don’t care
All in my head if you ask me
Not truly dead until five percent
And even then
Bringing all the hurt one could ever need
A sinkhole made of shit, more like quicksand
But who’s asking me
No one ever did so maybe that’s why I’m so bitter
Never got invited to the dance
And I never asked
Locked away inside my head
The despair is getting to me
Self-preservation unconsciously
But there’s nothing wrong with that
After awhile
After some time
All batteries drain away and the signals all gone

 

Mother’s Love Chocolate Covered Shit” was a title I came up with, but never used… It was going to be this long monologue… long stream of conscious thought… about all the chocolate covered shit at work for Mother’s Day… Yet no woman in my life has ever asked me or shown interest in such things… is this a case of society pushing crap on women or a deep secret desire to cover the world in chocolate?… but why only on Mother’s Day ladies?… Why not every day?… change starts with you… if you want something you have to take it… and pour chocolate on it… 

 

Proudly serving those that serve
Hidden slavery no one understands
Taken a fool by the Masters
Best intentions at heart
Proudly owned by those who own me
Wish I could separate myself from who I’ve become
Jaded and lost, time has a funny way of screwing us all
Where have the days gone if they haven’t gone anywhere
Standing in a stand still
Death will be here soon and then what do we do
Rehearsing  my place in all of this
One long line waiting to get in
Praying all of this will seem worth it

 

“I don’t see the bosses yellow Mustang or the midlife crises cruiser as I’ve been known to call it, so he is not here. Which is either a good thing or a very bad for me.” Not everything has to make sense at the time or years later… for some reason I never finished this thought… and even now I don’t know where I was going with this… This next part is in the same boat… a prewrite where… well you can read it and tell me… 

 

This prewrite didn’t reveal shit
Fuck technique when it doesn’t matter
Too much anger to flow
Too much anger to make any sense
Fuck you, like I care
I don’t, oh well, what are we going to do about it?
Suffering maybe the best way
But where does that leave the rest of us
Put your balls on the table
Watch them get chopped off and added to the pile
Wonder what the fuck is happening
Does it matter anymore
Fuck you said in only so many ways
Bit the curb and succumb to the toothless grin
Turns out teeth were more important than once thought
Rotting out from the inside
Your breath smells like shit and I can’t take it anymore
Shattered perception of what it takes to be a man
Called out to define the definition of a vagina
The words are so convoluted it’s like they don’t makes sense at all
Given up on the solution and the conflicted
Hollowed out and welcomed home

 

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This was all in fun… leftover pieces that didn’t fit anywhere else… some of it was stupid… who writes a poem about battery life?… haha… made sense at the time… lack of sleep will make anything makes sense though… the last entry… I have no idea where I was going other than to say random things… was my favorite… a lot of really cool… weird… dark lines… hopefully you enjoyed this trip inside my mind… this adventure into the past… 

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Broken Thoughts… A Passion…

Got to drink for any of this to make any sense
Anything to drain my mind from feeling like this
Breaking apart or so it seems
Becoming the darkness in the shadows of my mind
Not much longer and the devil will be I
Given up so much to not be them
Taken in so much poison to be so far removed
The venom hurt at first, but not anymore
Above all things I have learned
Feeling nothing at all was always the greatest lesson
One more to make this all go away
A broken thought to end them all

 

How long am I willing to wait for everything to be better
How long has it been already
My whole life, nothing’s changed
No matter what I do
My impatience a crutch
My boredom only an excuse
How long am I willing to believe everything will be better
How long has it been already
My whole life, everything changes
No matter what I do
My experiences a crutch
My anticipation only an excuse
To believe this depression will ever leave me

 

A long gasp at the air
Who knew this was it
A long stride into hell
Who knew it could be as cool as this
Broke away only to break in
How we’ve missed it
The signs all pointed North
Been heading South all along
What it is outside the observable universe
More nothing then we can understand
Who knew it was a joke
Wasn’t funny, laughed anyway
Paying attention but no idea what’s been said
Wandering around naked never felt so natural
Wasting time trying to figure it out
No longer running from something
All that matters after so much pain

 

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Been depressed as of late… feeling sorry for myself once again… I hate it… yet I fall right in line… digging myself out takes most of my excuses… sorry energy… I have no reason to feel depressed… but there I sit… staring at the screen… wanting to be here nor there… sitting… doing nothing… pissing myself off at my own laziness… I work like there is a gun held to the back of my head…. but at home?… I stare into a screen… a wall… a mirror… acting as though I have all the time in the world… as though everything will work itself out… I’m all mixed up… setting off the triggers… that leave me lying there… do this to myself… and blame everyone else… talking to myself inside my head once again…

At work I was working on this whole other thing in my head… still am I guess… chewing on the glass… so to speak… the blood drips from my lip… I think I know where it is I must begin… 

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Lips Turning Blue… Again…

Oroblram

I’m lost and going in circles
Never left this spot
Yet here I’m not
I’d give you what I know
But I know so little
I’m afraid it won’t do
Tomorrow though if I’m not dead
Past tense of course
Words are forever
Etched into our skin
Actions only a second
Recorded for all the see
Worth and concern
The two don’t ever change
Which is worth more to you
Here is my advice
Fuck off and see what happens
Working out just fine
Masturbating is the best sex you’ll ever have
Yet you still try to fuck everything that moves
Humanity at its finest
Haven’t you heard
We’ve got another day at the most
Secrets been out for centuries
Turns out none of it mattered
All the stress, the fear, the life, the death
Built upon an altar, built in the mind
I’m lost and going in circles
Spinning deeper and deeper
All of this I’ve done for you
Promise me you understand
Promise you know this too
You’ve always known
Hidden thoughts, hidden words
For my protection kept me hidden away
You’re welcome

 

Ready For This

I have a few minutes before I have to rest
Going down in a hail of gunfire, fire and brimstone
Going down to hell with a sense of retaliation
I could really give a fuck about your retribution
It is as though you did this
Created all this sad stupid shit
An infinite loop known as purgatory
Known as life
Following in the footsteps of Christ
Suffering is easy, its dealing with everything else that is too much
I’m okay with letting you down
I’m only sick of letting myself down
An endless parade known as time
Marching on, marching onto nothing
Writing my memories in blood
Across the walls of this all
It is as though you knew this
Lining up to take the fall
So ready for this

We are all martyrs after all

 

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Somehow ended up choosing two poems with similar endings… I wasn’t trying to do that… I found another one with a similar theme… then I stumbled on this last one… was too blinded by the last line… oh well.. can’t win them all… and yes… if you are wondering… I do have a fuck ton of poetry… but I am not a poet… haha… I am such a liar… 

Bonus line… didn’t fit in the first one… “Truth a spiral propagated by lies”… 

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One Year Ago… From The Heart…

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What a year it has been… a lot has gone down… a lot has been said… a lot of things have changed… I grew a lot in this year… from who I am to closer to who I want to be… I could be a selfish ass and take all the credit… believe me I want to be… but no…

No… all this is thanks to you… yeah you… each and every one of you for reading… liking… commenting… and being who you are… you have all helped me grow as a person… as a writer… as a father… and as a friend… you have all been there for me when I was down… lifted me back up when I needed it…been there for me when I didn’t think I could go on… I could name names… but that wouldn’t be fair… it has been everyone… thank you… from the bottom of my heart… Thank you… 

With my heart filled with joy… here is to another year… a year filled with stories and poetry… broken thoughts and shitty advice… because we all know you are here for the pure enjoyment of words and not for me to kiss your ass… : )

Yeah… I know none of this was dark… but you all bring out the best in me… damn you… 

With all the love a black heart can come up with… thank you…

Layne Ambrose 7/29/18

 

(I’m sure you thought I was going to sell you something… But that is tomorrow… this is today… I think I have links… if I don’t… oh well… I’m just glad you are here today… maybe it is time for a face lift?… speaking of… Great album by Alice In Chains… just saying… best tracks… It Ain’t Like That or Sunshine… but those are deep cuts… We Die Young… great opener… I’ll shut up now… if you promise to listen… )