Broken Thoughts

It’s hard to think of the world as though it is not infinite or that I’m not important. To make the distinction that there is the world and there is me. More often than not we think that if we die that is it. End of the line, end of the world. But this is untrue and I know it. Yet, it is hard for me to comprehend at times. I still plan and plot my actions as though the whole world depends on them, but it doesn’t and I don’t.
Confliction of thought
Dismissal of war
We go at each other as if there is nothing left
Destroy what isn’t yours, hearts
Destroy everything we think you care for, homes
Destroy ourselves in the process
Not the thought
Driving against the weak
Grinding it out without a second thought
Do you ever feel like you are at the end of a relationship and you are only riding it out until the end? You don’t know what to do or what to say. Staying silent seems to be the only way. Even though you know it is wrong. Been stuck there for days, weeks, years, I don’t know anymore.
How is it that some people can get away with so much shit
Yet I need a saddle so they can ride me into the ground
I’m so sick of this place
So sick of being here
An insane asylum with big red letters
Bleeding out, slowly bleeding off
They want so much, yet nothing at all
I can’t let go of all my thoughts
Big or small they all run on
How is it that some people can just move on with so much shit
Yet I have to carry it all the way to the grave
I’m so sick of this identity
So sick of being me
Nothing is ever enough and they’ll take it all

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Mixed bag of thoughts this week… patched together set of emotions… letting the words breathe… letting the words do the talking this week…

Checking in on what I have been up to… AmazonThreadless

Broken Thoughts

Locked inside my head with nothing to say
The bugs dance beside my lifeless corpse
Pulling bits of paper from my soul
More scraps to add to the shit pile
How long can I drag this feeling out?
A lifetime surrounded by borrowed time
The darkness sinks its dirty fangs into my neck
Reminding me I’ve always been this way
A denial twist loaded with truth
The ashes pile up as each breath takes my life
Digging my own grave with a smile

See you when I get there
See you later if you’re lucky
Can’t take what  you don’t own
If your soul is for sale
I guess you won’t be taking that either
She won’t stop saying things that she doesn’t believe in
Spreading lies fortified in her head
A lost day filled with silence and loathing
Taking out my frustrations on an empty soul
Taking in everything I think I deserve
Time has a way of taking everything
Not sure any of this is even real anymore
An isolation covers my walls
A desperation fills my heart
A broken thought is all I know
Poisoning the well
Inhaling the disgust
How I wish
How I hope
That you are well
A lie that I believe in
A faith that can discuss
And all of this
Everything last thing
Is all that I know
A slow death without any pain
A choking feeling and no regrets
And they told me I was fine
Nailing myself to the cross
Bringing myself to my knees
How I wish
How I hope
That you are well
A truth that I don’t believe in
A rationalization locked in your head
And all of this
Is only how it feels

Encase you were wondering I’m having a great day… Life keeps piling on the bull shit… but I just keep smiling… because who really gives a fuck?… immature… at times we all are… I have no faith in anything… but they say that the Lord gives us as much as we can handle… If he could stop… that would be awesome… if she doesn’t that’s cool too… Take each day for what it is worth… 

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We sell our souls at these fine establishments… Threadless and Amazon…  I need to get some fancy buttons like Fears has got… check it out…  Also, check out Likely Red Press Support Independent Press… well just read… reading is important… but I hope if you got this far… you already know that… A book a day… brings the crazies closer to the frame… 

Broken Thoughts

The signs were there all along
Lighting the way for the climax
Illuminating the inevitable fall
Who does this to them to themselves
Statistically speaking one and the same
Reality couldn’t be any further apart
Looked so good on paper
It had to work at least once
What could all this really mean
To someone who doesn’t care
I gave up but we took turns
Statistically speaking one or both should be dead by now
Still fucking breathing in all the pain
Still thinking about all the shit never said
If we can’t be honest then why worry about the truth
Inhuman to think this all began with a lie

 

65 pages on the same thought
Six albums and I’ve already forgot
Therapy couldn’t be any simpler
If only it had worked the first time
Revisiting the same sad thoughts
That makes me so fucked up
Dancing with the devil couldn’t release these demons
Gods warm embrace hasn’t done much to subside the pain
Out of options and ways to say
I hate you
So I’ll see you there
Pretend to not care but I always will
No matter how much I stab at the thoughts
Burn them down and piss on the ashes
They will still be there, we will still be here

 

Skin
The skin bleeds as the knife digs deeper
My skin spreads open revealing bone
The skin peels back as I pull
My skin lies in a pile on the floor

The skin is a metaphor for something I don’t know
My skin is missing but I am whole

Can you see everything you’ve become
Every little thing you have done
Like memories burning in the sun
I feel every ray and question why
Reflecting on nothing at all
In some way became something
Each and everything
Apart of something bigger
Picture unclear, vision blurry
Think one day I’ll know
By then it will be too late
Time has a way of reflecting on things
Now is not the time or place
But at the end does it all make sense

 

I really like playing the asshole, the liar, the thief it’s so much easier than it is to be me.  I just can’t take the loneliness. I’m lonelier now than I was before I gave it all up. The voices in my head have taken over and there is no telling what they have or haven’t said at this point. The long conversations I once had have given into a world that I have created. My life has been a long spiral down to this point. I’m at the bottom and I really don’t feel any worse than when I was at the top. Gone are the days where anything makes sense, the days of innocence, and the days plagued by truth. Here and now is hell. No longer am I waiting to grow up. Now I’m just waiting to die. I’ve never felt any more at home than I do now…

Postscript of the Unimaginative

03/18/13

I don’t drink coffee tastes like shit. I drink a soda infused with the right blend of chemicals, vitamins, and some other shit instead. I go back outside and sit on the balcony. I don’t work for a couple of hours so I’ll smoke a couple of more. I’ll stare off my balcony and wonder how far down it really is. The sun bleeds through the clouds blinding me and only me. I hate the sun and the heat yet I still live here. It is killing me little by little with the taste that never goes away. My teeth are, must be rotting out. I can taste them decaying from the inside out. Like the emotions in my head. My dog threw up on the floor the other day. I took her bed and covered it up. Wasn’t there anymore so somebody must have cleaned it up or she ate it.

It wasn’t chunky or on the carpet otherwise, I might have taken care of it right then and there. It was yellow and green with hair in it from when I brushed her. She likes to eat the hair that I brush off of her. Ever since she was a puppy. I don’t know why and I don’t understand it. I try to not let her eat the hair, but sometimes she grabs the chunks off the floor around her before I can. It makes no sense to me. It is not as if I see hair on the bathroom wall and peel it off to consume it. It is strange, my dog is strange like my life it doesn’t make sense. It is far too early to make sense of all these things. All these things from a dream. A dream that will fester in my mind and ruin my whole day.

I need more sleep, but I won’t get any. Not until the last minute, not until I can’t. It is the way things work. It is the way things are. I have all day to do something but I’ll sit here and think of all these things, and do nothing. My day was already planned even if I didn’t know it. Fate is something you can not avoid. Even if you don’t believe in it or your path. It keeps working against or for you, but either way, it is with you. Slowly killing you with every thought and every action. I make my own choices so they say, but no one chooses this willingly every day.

Broken Thoughts

The chambers of the heart
Keep pumping blood
Even if there is no will to go on
Patience but for what
A long waiting game for nothing at all
I carved one out
Only to give one up
Nothing feels natural anymore
A made up act
I call love
Doesn’t matter anymore where it comes from
If only my thoughts could match my actions

 

The image it haunts me. An image from my past but how could it exist in the present unless time is bleeding into itself once again. I thought I escaped this. I thought I fixed but it seems I have only distorted the truth. Turned a blind eye to the facts. I pick up the walking stick from my past and realize it is in fact real. Am I losing my mind? How can I erase something that has already been erased? Stuck between times there is no outlet for my crimes. No sense of right and wrong anymore. What else if any is out of place in this timeline? I search the horizon. Need more time to know for sure? I take the walking stick from the past and trek on into the unknown.

 

Sat around today
Doesn’t mean anything
Thought I would share
My inner thoughts
Going through hell
Marching past the gates
Lakes of fire burning bodies made of shit
They are heard but with no real thought
Doesn’t rhyme at the an end I don’t care
The Jesus freaks sing their hymns to me
As though it might help
The blood cascades down the wall
You know you are home
When everything is comfortable
Bones line the edges of the room
You know you are home
When everything is fine
Skin drapes the furniture
You know you are home
When everything is normal

 

If someone gave me a million dollars. Anyone at this point the reason doesn’t have to make sense. If anyone gave me a million dollars. I’d watch it burn. Dollar by dollar. One bill at a time. That’s how I feel right now. I don’t know how to make it go away. It all seems so useless to struggle for. Who are we when the money is all gone? Who are we when we have more than we will ever need? Who are we at all? If not for our needs.

The theme for this week is greed… truly broken thoughts… always wanting more… more of something… more food… more money.. more sex… more pain… greed doesn’t go away with more… too much of a good thing is never enough…  considered one of the seven deadly sins… Greed is hard to escape on a day to day basis… who doesn’t want more?… what defines more?… at what point should we cut ourselves off from more?… I know I could always use more… more sleep usually… more of anything at this point… turns out I am human after all… was holding out for different… but I’ll settle for human… 

Broken Thoughts (Vulgar)

My hands are callus and soaked in blood
Quitting isn’t what it used to be
Walking away isn’t a train of thought
It’s an action that weighs more than weight itself
The words so heavy
They don’t come out right
Nothing comes out right anymore
Each thought is loaded with regret
Forced out by a will to keep going
God I fucking hate every God damn thing
If I could I would
But I have too much responsibility now

Corporate America doesn’t give a shit. They pretend that they do with a smile on their face. Heads bobbling as though yes, very much so. While their hands are wrapped around their dicks stroking faster and faster. Getting off on your displeasure as you purchase the items you didn’t want in the first place. Go ahead and tell me how you feel. Tell me what you want. Smile and act natural. I’ve been trained for this. This is what we do.

“The one with the Indian on it.”

“I think they prefer Native American.”

“I think they’d prefer if we gave them their land back. But in the meantime, the one with the cartoon Indian will do just fine.”

Day in, day out, 9 to 5, 9 to whenever however you want to put getting fucked. I am lost within myself. Lost in the dark. The theme is something I carry with me every second of every day. The lights all burned out. No longer even a flicker of a flame. Absolute dark. If only I could get beyond this. Step into the figurative illusion of this so called light I’m missing in my life. Maybe then. Maybe somehow I could be who it is I always dreamed I could be. Then again maybe it will all one day come together for us all. I doubt it, but that could very well be who I am. In the end, we all have something to say. In the end, we all have our place in obscurity. We all have our own personal wall to climb.

A customer just told me that the artificial sugars in gum are basically poison. So she buys a thirty pack and heads on home.

Kind of basic Broken Thoughts… a fractured reality of what I have to deal with every day… stretched out over years… you think that I’m not listening… you believe me when I say that I am not… but really I’m taking it all in… absorbing every useless thought… stabbing myself with the idea that I am better than you… I’m more you than you will ever be me…  I’m nothing more than what time forgot… lurking in the shadows… standing next to you at every turn… don’t look because I’m staring… smile because I know I will… “Is there anything I can help you find?”… 

Broken Thoughts

I gave it all up for this?
These feelings don’t subside
These feelings grow deeper
Slip into the cracks of my broken heart
Give it another year
Give me a whole lifetime
Waste it once again
If I could do it over
So unsure if I would
Life gets easier with time
Because the will to live
Goes with it
Gave up my soul for something I don’t know
Want It back but I’m so unsure

 

They are trying to convince a generation built on speed, built on now to go slower on the streets. They might as well convince a dog to shit in the toilet. All of the skills are there but the instinct? Not so much. No one wants to go slower. If anything they want to go faster. Walk faster, talk faster, and be done faster. No one wants to do anything that takes time. This generation or the last. We are not designed to live in the now only the future. Even if that means a chance at death. Life itself is a chance at death.

 

At this point, it might just be best to die
A world without me may be the best
Thing for you
Not going to stop until it’s all destroyed
I’ve got some shit to say
You bring out the best in me
Only reason you’re still breathing
You bring out the motivation in me
Only reason you’re still living

I can feel your eyes
Yet you’re not here
Feel your fingers tightening
Around my throat and I’m
Starting to, to think this is all okay
I’m starting to think I never had a say
Starting to believe all is not well
I could go on but by now
The point should be clear
I should kill each and every one of you
Each breath you take is a knife
Every thought a bullet hole
Ripping through my body
Shatter, broken, set my body on fire
Leave me to die already
Can’t commit to something so sinister
Torture so much more humane
Sadistic and satisfying
My breathing becomes shallow
Your smile from ear to ear
If only, if only the world would disappear
My displeasure could go to
Still alive, has to be a reason
So fuck it, let it go

 

This weeks theme was work and society… society and work?… working on society?… working on myself in the realm of society?… I’m going to have to sit and think about this for a while…