Dictating An Existence That Doesn’t Exist… Call It Life…

Holiday In The Unknown

Waiting for your words
Waiting for anything
I’ve become bored
Staring at a wall isn’t for me
Thoughts come seeping back in

How I wish I was dead
That life is meaningless

They don’t mean much said only once
Over and over until they won’t leave my head?

How I wish I was dead
That life is meaningless

Distracted for a time
Thought the thoughts had left
I’ve always been wrong
This only proves it
Suffocating under the weight
Of a feeling I can’t escape

How I wish I was dead
That life is meaningless

Reminding me how not to forget
Over and over again

How I wish I was dead
That life is meaningless

Waiting for your words
Waiting for anything
I’ve become bored
Don’t think I’ll ever change
Thoughts never left me
Only distracted for a time

Reading all that they have to say
How I wish I was dead
This life is so meaningless

 

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Normally I do two poems in the same post… but this one was so sad and dark… I couldn’t find a companion poem that didn’t cheapen this one… This one is pretty personal… not really something I want to talk about… demons I battle in silence… demons I’m distracted from for the time being… a normal feeling?… no… has it become normal?… sadly yes…

I can’t stress enough that I am doing a lot better… perfect?… no… but that is life… I am fighting the want to express what this poem means to me… and I’m not going to because… this poem needs to be about what you want it to be… just know that there is help out there… know that people care… it may seem like the right thing to do… the easy thing… but as with everything in life it only seems that way because you are so close… try taking a step back… see the bigger perspective of this thing called life… we all have our place… have to be here though to find it… 

 

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Broken Thoughts… Every Where I Go…

Spitting blood, where is it that it comes from
Dying to figure out love
Missed the sun rise one last time
How is it that I’m not dead?
Spending time, where is it that I’ve gone
Fighting to understand pain
Lost track of the absent days
How is it that I’m even alive?

 

People are often hurtful before they say what they mean

 

Dragging myself through hell once again
Your unholy eyes staring me down
How long can we play this game
How long can we live in sin
Testing the limits every day
Your serrated grin made of lies and deceit
No one ever said this was it
But we both know this is all there will ever be

 

I love you but some days I just want to hold your head under water and pray for more rain.

 

Taking the long way home
Stuck between doing it and not
Ripping out my eyes
Tearing out my heart
Drink the blood to understand why
A shit taste of everything I’ve hidden
Fuck it
Destroy it
Who the fuck cares anymore
Pulling out my hair
Renting out my soul
Eat what’s left of me
A shit taste and a mouth full of lies
Take my hand and I’ll lead you to
A place called home

 

“I want to be buried in this jacket so it can keep me warm in hell”… It is a pretty amazing jacket… just saying… 

 

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I don’t have much to say… but I found this when reviewing my notes… 

The amount of fucking walking is ridiculous…

 

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(This wouldn’t center…)

Let’s Fake An Answer For the Curious..

These Days

The days bleed together
How it is or how it always was
Questions, answers, sin, justification
The days bleed together
How it is or how I’ve always wanted it to be
Liar, truth, asshole, cunt
The days seem meaningless
When you are around
Bleeding, blending, living, dying
The days are all there seems to be
The days with only you and me
Then there are the days in between
Haunting nightmares, self destruction
I’m not so depressed when you are around
I’m not myself when we are apart
The words seem to mean more than how I feel
How it is or how it always was
Questions, answers, sin, justification

 

Are you on the way to a funeral?
I am the funeral

 

You’re A Star

Looking around I don’t see anything that I need
The need is a reason for the greed
A spoken language of hate and fear
So much better than you
A useless idea
Feeling around for the art
Of how to live, how to die
Such a useless thought left broken in time
Daring to be more than I’ve ever been
Too much work to not be me
Singing death lullaby’s to pass the time
Wish it weren’t true but all I know are lies
Gave you everything that I owned
But you had to take more
They say you needed my soul
Told them I don’t care no more
A raven of broken thoughts I can’t put down
How it could feel to be like you
Wearing a skin of sin
Heart pumping a mixture of deceit and pain
Drowning in this idea that I’m like you
Suffocating under the weight

 

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Success and failure… the mark that we live our lives by… shit on a stick it doesn’t matter… this life… this world isn’t measured in accomplishment… what we do doesn’t matter to the masses… it might only mean something to one person… one among nearly eight billion and counting… we have to be here for one and another… because what the fuck else are we going to do?… 

Sounds fucking crazy… in this together?… who the fuck is there when I’m sad?… no one… wrong… I am… others are.., sometimes you have to look more than three feet around us… sometimes we aren’t in arms lengths… but we are here… What I mean is… don’t give up… embrace your gift… embrace your failures… living life is all we got… so you are a fish that can’t climb a tree… oh well… look for the ocean and set yourself free… 

Believe me when I say you will fail… what that means is up to you… it was never up to me or anyone for that matter… embrace the fail… embrace the pain… grow to be better than anyone could ever believe…. will it hurt… yes… will it suck… you best believe… in the darkest hole… the darkest time… the darkest moment… we grow our fucking wings…. So keep swinging…. keep trying… and if I’m wrong… if it doesn’t work out… know that at least you tried… trying is what it is all about… trying is all that we need… prove those fucks unable to even try that you are right…. flap those wings and lets ride… 

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Please leave a comment if you can… or a review of any kind… I don’t care about the money… tell me I suck… I don’t care… I want to be better… seems pointless but every little bit helps… we are struggling… I just want to be better at the one thing I care about… in that.. I need your help… in this together…. Thank you… for all that you do… 

Living With The Demon… Living With Life…Say Hello To Yes…

Drinking so you’d understand
Drunk because why the fuck not
Pounding away at nothing that makes sense
Never said I wasn’t dense
Fuck the rhyme scheme if it doesn’t make sense

 

Going to hate everything in the morning
Thought of you excites me
Meaning of life has always been
Shit
A shit box wrapped in shit paper
Flush it down, puke away the pain
Hate to tell you this
But fuck all existence
Fuck the words that leave you
Useless
Words to pass the time
Kill anything just so you’d understand
Choking down the parts of life
That make any sense
It might get dark from here
Please understand, this is only how it is
Suck a dick to understand
Worthless existence wrapped in a shit sandwich
I’m more dead than you could imagine
Hollowed out

Who the fuck are you to say
When you’ve had enough anyway?

Suicidal with a fucking plan
Choking on your ridiculousness
Dead to the world
Useless since this beginning

Would you still love me if
I killed all that you knew
Would you still love me if
I was all that you’ve known?

A hero among the wolves
Worthless, go fuck yourself
If you knew all along

Why does my head have to be so heavy?

A day without words
A singular existence left spent
Wishing
Going crazy but I’ve been all along
Listening to songs
Thinking I’m not the only one
Waiting for a sign, waiting for something
To tell me I’m done…

 

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Got lost in a tangent… a fucking thought… yes this is dark… welcome to my soul… the core of what I believe… what I deny to myself daily… I’m not as worthless as I believe…  I’m worth more than I’d like to admit… Don’t ask a question you are not willing to hear the answer to…. Life is not as pretty as you think…. smile this is what it is… 

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I am the Devil
I’ve always believed I could be

 

I’m drunk enough to not press charges…. 

 

Chutoro Dawn

We once said yes
We once admitted that love exists
Upon a time there was a me and you
Sixteen counts of murder
Forty five different sins
Had to come down to this at some point
Flashing moments that this could last
Fleeting idea that there was more to this
Upon a time, upon a burning body
Staring into each others eyes
Seventeen counts of murder
Forty six different sins
Had to be a reason this went on for so long
Young love seems so irresponsible
Lust only a reason to drive us on
Upon a time, upon your naked body
The blood drips and the love dies
Eighteen counts of murder
Forty seven different sins
Me and you until the very end

 

It was like praying to God while the devil stands by your side… Something was happening but not what you ever wanted…

 

Standing in the darkness
Staring right through it
Your body lies in pieces
A work of art 
Made of flesh and blood
Hacked off all the limbs
To prove a point
The darkness consumes me
I have to admit
I’m starting to like this
Laughing through the pain
Laughing right through it
Your agony was therapeutic
Chaotic and to the point
Getting right down to the core of it
I’m starting to understand who I really am

 

We get lost in all these stupid fucking words… These endless conversations about nothing that when something important comes up… We are at a loss for words…

 

With marked bullets piercing my chest
There can be no rest

The wicked have fallen to the saints of all things
The lie spread through religion
The lie living within us all
Flames rise up, surrounded by a wall of fire
Breaths become shallow, inhaling the flames
Devil broken, beaten, and gone
The evil lies within
The evil consumes the meek
Massacre in the streets
Blood rises with the tide
Full moon catharsis
Pray for lies to become truth
Pray for soul
All you know locked in a book of lies
Locked away deep in your mind

 

The Ungame turn…. fuck I don’t know anymore… “If someone were to write a book about you… What do you think they would call it?”…. How Much Time Do You Have?… haha… actually it is titled… Fuck… I Hate It Here… one day I will finish it… one day… I keep telling myself… 

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Chewing On Glass Dog Theme

Broken Thoughts

We try to recreate things from memory
From feeling, never the same in our heads
Misquoting everything in sight
So we begin this story of deceit
From within, from the soul
Need you to relate even if it is only
To prove a point
Selfishness runs deep
Ignorance so much deeper
Diseased and seeking some sort of care
The depression is so much worse with them
Broken and needing something more
So blind to everyone else’s needs

 

Turns out I traded one mask for another after all

 

Your death rattle escape
Won’t shake all the demons free
Still lurking in the darkness
We’ve been waiting a long time
We’ll keep waiting with all the patience
Of a saint, a devil in disguise
Wings made of bone and tarred on feathers
We know pain above anything else
We’ve known its caress since the dawn of time

 

Always on the fence. I’m always on the fence.

 

I gave it all up for this?
These feelings don’t subside
These feelings grow deeper
Slip into the cracks of my broken heart
Give it another year
Give me a whole lifetime
Waste it once again
If I could do it over
So unsure I would
Life gets easier with time
Because the will to live
Goes with it
Gave up my soul for something I don’t know
Want it back but I’m so unsure

 

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Lets keep this odd train a rolling… was on my way to work today when an odd thought came across my mind… civil services is the only job where it is okay to be an asshole to the ones that pay you… the only job where it is an actual possibility that you could beat your employer too much… if I even raised a fist to someone I work with I would be fired instantly… yet a cop could hit you with a baton and as long as you seemed like you were resisting… perfectly legal… if I’m not careful how I talked to someone at work… it would cost me my job… but a judge could and can talk down to you… they can literally judge you… and they are applauded for it… basically I got in the wrong line of work… 

Could you imagine for a moment though… if these things were reversed… sure it could suck… take the suck out for a moment… but things might actually be more efficient… if people actually thought something could happen to them… sure we still speed… we still break the law… but many of us don’t for fear that a baton might come across our face… or we could get shot… but at my work at least… many of them have the attitude I get paid either way… or as one of my fellow “Hard Workers” said to me… “Why are you organizing? It is only going to get messed up again”… (insert I may kill you face)… I wonder why that might be?… 

I don’t know… only a broken thought that I stumbled across… 

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Bending Over to Take It… Smile… All Will Be Well…

New slavery needs a place to stay
New slavery doesn’t have anything to say
Too many problems to fit in one sentence
Too many issues to blame on one thing
We say we are holy, We don’t live in sin
Yet we worship all the worst things in man
Gluttony, Sloth, Lust, and Greed
We wonder why we have nothing
Left wondering
Get off your knees

New slavery is lost in the distractions of the day
New slavery is divided with too many things left to say
Too many people still caught up on who is gay
Too many people still caught up on race
We say we are just, We don’t except intolerance
Yet we stand against our victims, condemn them with the rest
Allow our masters to get in the way
We look to the stars for some sign of God
The answer standing next to us all along
A united front of ignorance and bliss
We say one thing but really we could give a shit
Auto correct me if I’m wrong
Mirrored repercussions, actions on repeat
No American has ever been okay with retreat
Maybe things are different, too blind to see
But won’t deny it never existed at all

Not decided purely on race or color
Money the chains of the day
Fight among the ones that should unite
Doing everything our masters want
Deception the war we’ve always fought
Step out of line and leave your place, get left behind
The times they aren’t changing only getting worse
We think we understand, believe we are so woke
But we have no idea at all
New slavery has nothing to say
So we just keep slaving away