pain – Chewing On Glass

Chutoro Dawn

We once said yes
We once admitted that love exists
Upon a time there was a me and you
Sixteen counts of murder
Forty five different sins
Had to come down to this at some point
Flashing moments that this could last
Fleeting idea that there was more to this
Upon a time, upon a burning body
Staring into each others eyes
Seventeen counts of murder
Forty six different sins
Had to be a reason this went on for so long
Young love seems so irresponsible
Lust only a reason to drive us on
Upon a time, upon your naked body
The blood drips and the love dies
Eighteen counts of murder
Forty seven different sins
Me and you until the very end

It was like praying to God while the devil stands by your side… Something was happening but not what you ever wanted…

Standing in the darkness
Staring right through it
Your body lies in pieces
A work of art
Made of flesh and blood
Hacked off all the limbs
To prove a point
The darkness consumes me
I have to admit
I’m starting to like this
Laughing through the pain
Laughing right through it
Your agony was therapeutic
Chaotic and to the point
Getting right down to the core of it
I’m starting to understand who I really am

We get lost in all these stupid fucking words… These endless conversations about nothing that when something important comes up… We are at a loss for words…

With marked bullets piercing my chest
There can be no rest
The wicked have fallen to the saints of all things
The lie spread through religion
The lie living within us all
Flames rise up, surrounded by a wall of fire
Breaths become shallow, inhaling the flames
Devil broken, beaten, and gone
The evil lies within
The evil consumes the meek
Massacre in the streets
Blood rises with the tide
Full moon catharsis
Pray for lies to become truth
Pray for soul
All you know locked in a book of lies
Locked away deep in your mind

The Ungame turn…. fuck I don’t know anymore… “If someone were to write a book about you… What do you think they would call it?”…. How Much Time Do You Have?… haha… actually it is titled… Fuck… I Hate It Here… one day I will finish it… one day… I keep telling myself…

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Chewing On Glass Dog Theme

Broken Thoughts

We try to recreate things from memory
From feeling, never the same in our heads
Misquoting everything in sight
So we begin this story of deceit
From within, from the soul
Need you to relate even if it is only
To prove a point
Selfishness runs deep
Ignorance so much deeper
Diseased and seeking some sort of care
The depression is so much worse with them
Broken and needing something more
So blind to everyone else’s needs

Turns out I traded one mask for another after all

Your death rattle escape
Won’t shake all the demons free
Still lurking in the darkness
We’ve been waiting a long time
We’ll keep waiting with all the patience
Of a saint, a devil in disguise
Wings made of bone and tarred on feathers
We know pain above anything else
We’ve known its caress since the dawn of time

Always on the fence. I’m always on the fence.

I gave it all up for this?
These feelings don’t subside
These feelings grow deeper
Slip into the cracks of my broken heart
Give it another year
Give me a whole lifetime
Waste it once again
If I could do it over
So unsure I would
Life gets easier with time
Because the will to live
Goes with it
Gave up my soul for something I don’t know
Want it back but I’m so unsure

Lets keep this odd train a rolling… was on my way to work today when an odd thought came across my mind… civil services is the only job where it is okay to be an asshole to the ones that pay you… the only job where it is an actual possibility that you could beat your employer too much… if I even raised a fist to someone I work with I would be fired instantly… yet a cop could hit you with a baton and as long as you seemed like you were resisting… perfectly legal… if I’m not careful how I talked to someone at work… it would cost me my job… but a judge could and can talk down to you… they can literally judge you… and they are applauded for it… basically I got in the wrong line of work…

Could you imagine for a moment though… if these things were reversed… sure it could suck… take the suck out for a moment… but things might actually be more efficient… if people actually thought something could happen to them… sure we still speed… we still break the law… but many of us don’t for fear that a baton might come across our face… or we could get shot… but at my work at least… many of them have the attitude I get paid either way… or as one of my fellow “Hard Workers” said to me… “Why are you organizing? It is only going to get messed up again”… (insert I may kill you face)… I wonder why that might be?…

I don’t know… only a broken thought that I stumbled across…

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Bending Over to Take It… Smile… All Will Be Well…

New slavery needs a place to stay
New slavery doesn’t have anything to say
Too many problems to fit in one sentence
Too many issues to blame on one thing
We say we are holy, We don’t live in sin
Yet we worship all the worst things in man
Gluttony, Sloth, Lust, and Greed
We wonder why we have nothing
Left wondering
Get off your knees

New slavery is lost in the distractions of the day
New slavery is divided with too many things left to say
Too many people still caught up on who is gay
Too many people still caught up on race
We say we are just, We don’t except intolerance
Yet we stand against our victims, condemn them with the rest
Allow our masters to get in the way
We look to the stars for some sign of God
The answer standing next to us all along
A united front of ignorance and bliss
We say one thing but really we could give a shit
Auto correct me if I’m wrong
Mirrored repercussions, actions on repeat
No American has ever been okay with retreat
Maybe things are different, too blind to see
But won’t deny it never existed at all

Not decided purely on race or color
Money the chains of the day
Fight among the ones that should unite
Doing everything our masters want
Deception the war we’ve always fought
Step out of line and leave your place, get left behind
The times they aren’t changing only getting worse
We think we understand, believe we are so woke
But we have no idea at all
New slavery has nothing to say
So we just keep slaving away

Non Carbonated… Yet Still Tastes the Same…

The chambers of the heart
Keep pumping blood
Even if there is no will to go on
Patience but for what
A long waiting game for nothing at all
I carved one out
Only to give one up
Nothing feels natural anymore
A made up act
I call love

The bullet grazes the side of my head. It hurts like hell, but it’s not death so at least I got that going for me. Digging myself out of this ditch is going to be the real bitch of all of this. Left for dead and now I have nothing left to lose. With every step sliding. Mud blood drenched, water logged, and full of pain. If the body moves then never count it out. Pushing through all the bull shit. Pushing through all the pain. I will kill each and every one of them. Slowly until their last breath translates into my own suffering. The anger drives me to do what needs to be done.

My rage is all I own
Tells me everything there is to know
Dictates a path through the fog
My rage is everything and nothing
Wrapped in a package laced with explosives
Thought I knew the sequence
How would I ever know the truth
This is all part of something
A never ending novel with no resolve
The actions take place long ago
But the fall out is here and now

We are all so damaged in some way. A bit off but mostly no one notices until they spend some time with you one on one. Sifting from place to place as though nothing at all. Already so gone from everyone around me. I want to disappear even further. As close to death as I can get I assume. Far removed from this world of money and greed. I’m tired of thinking or feeling if I only had this. What is this when in reality this is nothing? Freedom apparently is all of this shit. I hate everyone. Surprised it took this long to say. Why bother with anything if everything bothers me? So sick of human touch. The thought of decay we spread every day. I’m so sick from the feel of it all. Tomorrow I will run away, but I know that my ass will be glued to this place. Where could I really go in a planet full of us?

It would be fine if only I had the answers
Or maybe if I knew the question
Goes together as though they fit the same puzzle
My head is cluttered with all that I remember
Blocking out any new thought I could possibly imagine
What I am, who I am
Is not what I once was
Though what I’ve become

Had no idea where this was going when I started… still don’t… always the best… fit together like a puzzle or overall chaos?… such is life sometimes… been busy behind the scenes doing nothing I suppose… it is summer here after all… I hate summer… all about the winter… all about the cold… the decay… the eventual rebirth of the planet… that time between death and life… has me written all over it… only forever and a day until we are back to that… in the mean time… I get to sweat my ass off… locked away in my home… brooding over thoughts about nothing at all… so a normal day really… just more sweat… mixed into the blood…

Happy to announce that I have opened an Etsy store… still no idea how it works… should be another train wreck on top of a four car pile up… needless to say I am hyped… if you have the time check it out… still working on more… also working on different things than I normally would… thanks to my friends Peter… Katy… and Lemons support… so thank you to you three… and thank you to all that like and support me… means the world to me… until next week… Stay Classy WordPress…

Threadless… shirts and shit…. Amazon… words and shit…. Etsy… art and shit… Twitter… mindless self indulgence… and shit… : )

Something Different

Before

In death we find peace
But what about the rest
What about here and now
Tranquility in sin
Blood for passion
Passion for blood
Drinking until you don’t remember
Forgetting all the times before
Do it once more
Over and over a repeating
Kaleidoscope of bullshit
Heard it all before
Excuses becoming useless
Yet I still have more
My condition is human
But why does it feel so
So, painful and relentless
In death we find peace
In death we find whatever it is
We never had before

Settling In

Awaken to a sickening feeling inside my chest
Worried, afraid I won’t be able to let this rest
Choking, I can’t breathe
Knowing, know this could be the end
Constricting, inflicting every time
Is it all in my head
Twenty eight and I’m already dead
Worried from worrying
About all the shit going on in my head
Scarred, destroyed
From my own self destruction
Is this all I will ever be
Is this all I will ever become
Trapped inside this solitude
Isolating feeling of being human
Depression, this won’t end
A wave that comes crashing over and over again

Still digging at the past… a past way I once felt every day… living in the middle of a depression storm can be… well depressing… some of us have it worse than others… each of us has to find our answer… but no matter how bad it ever gets know that there is always an answer… there is always hope… we are only here on this planet for one thing… make it to the next day… no day will ever be perfect… you will never get everything you ever wanted… but if we try hard enough we can get most of it… we can have perfect memories…

Also, I’m not 28 anymore… wish I was… : ( … growing old sucks… enjoy every moment… good or bad… not all of them will be here for long… it goes fast… it is easy to get stuck on an idea… on a feeling… and it can take everything we have to break away from it… we’ve all been there… if there is anything I have learned since starting this website… it is that we have all been there…

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Silently Screaming

Rage of Hope (People with No Face)

Must make myself
Better
Must make myself
Beautiful
Must make myself
Needed
Scars across my face
Broken glass for teeth
Maggots crawl through my eyes
Not enough to despise (death’s embrace)

Must make myself something
More
Must make myself into something
Desirable
Must make myself feel
Whole
Embalming fluid in my veins
Sinister smile across my face
Broken nails in each vertebrae
Not enough (death’s embrace)

Must make myself
Better
Must make myself
Beautiful
Must make myself
Useful
Into a whore
Into more
Embrace deception
Become the lie
Never enough
Never whole
Always more

Death holding me down
The ground so wet
The world such a threat
Bleeding conscience
Pumping embers into my heart
Why does it have to hurt
Why does it have to matter so much
Death dances all around me
Death’s embrace closest thing to love

The ground trembles for fear of life
The world in a silent spin
Bleeding to live
No one cared enough to listen to me
No one cared why should they
Becoming something better than this
What it is they want me to be

Why does it have to hurt
Why does it have to matter so much

Death is nothing more than a change
Death’s embrace, Death’s last whisper
Silently screaming
All I am worth
My beauty, my body, who I am on the outside
A life made up of uselessness
Finding purpose in nothing
Am I better now
Am I beautiful now
Am I whole now
That I know where I belong

I don’t normally explain my poems… I feel it is up to the reader to decide what the words means… like a fucked up version of reading tea leaves… this one is a little different… This one I did that for myself… I found this poem in my notes… originally it was about me… selfish as I am… but as I was reading it… it reminded me of someone else… the whole thing took on a different meaning for me… you may have noticed the shift about midway through the poem…

This poem reminded me of a woman I used to work with years and years ago… We were friends then… it was a weird time… I was too self-absorbed in my own bullshit to really process what it was that she was telling me… the short and private version of this story is that she was raped… But that wasn’t what stuck with me… it was her lack of caring about what had happened to her… I asked her if she reported it… and all she projected was this attitude that it didn’t matter… this kind of thing happens all the time… for the record it does and it shouldn’t… she was trying to be a model… was a model… she isn’t the type of person I normally hang out with… “someone who cares only about their looks”… like I said it was a weird time…

I was young and I was stupid… I didn’t see beyond her looks… I judged her just like the rest of the world… thought she was full of emptiness… but really she was full of pain… same as me… we hung out a few times… but I couldn’t stand the fact that she would agree with everything I said… a trait I contributed to stupidity… a coping mechanism… I didn’t understand at the time… a fear that she didn’t have to convey around me… I wasn’t interested in hurting her… but when anyone can be the enemy… when anyone could hurt you… much easier to go along… to the point that you don’t even exist… we lost touch when I got a new job… part-time friends… her story still stuck with me…

Broken Reality

This is something I would only say to my best friend, but since that is you and since you aren’t you anymore. I have to feel. I have to live as though I am alone. I see you every day. Walking by me as if this is all normal. Walking by me like everything is okay. The hardest part wasn’t what happened. Yes, that was a lot of shit to just take in. The hardest part. The thing I can’t say to you or talk about with you. Has everything to do with you and nothing to do with you. It’s why I can only say it to my best friend, someone I trust, and not whatever this is. The hardest part of all of this. Is going from thinking I’m spending the rest of my life with this one person to I hope I never have to see them again. Seeing you every day is a constant reminder of these feelings that won’t go away. Pretending to smile feels like a thousand knives. Lying when you ask what’s wrong feels like another part of me is dying.

None of this matters. All words that can’t be said. That don’t need to be said. All words locked inside my head. Replaying them over and over again.

The ashes they burn
The hell I have created heats up
Something needs to happen
None of the answers are acceptable
The tears as real as the pain
Forever escaping me, not an option
Your opinion on the events
Broken train of thought
Broken life I have to live
Shattered into nothing
Left chewing on what’s left
What is left when all hope is gone?
A long time coming, slow-moving
Slow to act, now left with the damned
The truth will set you free
The truth will leave you in a shallow grave
Life is a waste, built on past mistakes
Far worse than death, a sentence pierced into my head
If only I could think of anything else
Anything beyond the nothingness
So lost that it hurts
When you think this could be the best
When you think this could be the worst
Hold tight, the undertow is only a thing
Until it takes a hold
Drags you deeper and deeper
Open your eyes
Then you can see, clearly, this is all there ever was for you
Pain

This is going to be a long month… a long lifetime…purging myself of all this shit… figuring out who I am again… rebuilding a broken corpse of a man once again… been keeping busy… okay… I have been busy staring at a wall… feeling sorry for myself… hopefully, that will all be done soon… in the meantime… prepare for a lot of heartbreak…

Still, have shirts up on Threadless… didn’t get around to designing any new ones like I had hoped… books still available on Amazon… Until next time… take care… and remember nothing is forever… so enjoy it… whatever it is… while it lasts…