Broken Thoughts… Screams Run Deep…

Knee deep in shit
With nowhere else to go
Swallowed whole by the monster from within
My worst enemy has never been you or them
Limitations I place upon myself
A burning body, a rotting corpse
Drown myself now, of course, of course
Head in the clouds
Feet nailed down
Pulling at the restraints
Have I always felt this way?
Lost in the idea that this is something new
A second wind, another chance
Same old shit as before
Stabbing at the wounds
Picking through the reasons
Scars are therapeutic
Until they happen to you
Processing through bad memories
A life time spent, hell bent on
Tearing myself down

I’m so tired… will the demons ever let me sleep?…

Corrupt corruption
Expect more from something
That never gave a damn
Push harder, pushed against a wall
The thoughts scream
The thoughts don’t go away
Grow stronger in the dark
A theme we can’t seem to escape
Moments in time add up
Becoming something more than myself
Collective collections
Expect more from something
Never had in the first place
Pushing harder, pushed against the wall
The thoughts don’t go away
Join in on the scream
Butterfly whispers in the dark
A theme we can’t help but enjoy
Moments in time add up to something
This world can’t be all that there is
Something buried beneath the surface
A greater love not found
A greater reason hidden from the blind
Love to believe this was right
Truth in lies
Secrets buried in the light
Peeling back the lids of our eyes
Still nothing in sight

When the world ended. It didn’t just wash away. Not like it should have at least.

Hot and humid the air so thick
Taking the air out of every breath
Never ready for this all to end
Never had a say in the hand played
Relentless, no sleep for the wicked
Breaking down the wall between
The living and the dead
The gates were never open
Slammed shut before anyone had a say
A fake idea buried in sympathy
Give us nothing but
More money, more power, more everything
Don’t believe in false lies
Prophets put in place for profits
Building a dream out of false ideas
Humanity would have to mean being human
Lost the thought so long ago
The only real American’s left
Are those willing to risk it all
Lies force feed to us all

This is going to get super preachy… and for that I am sorry…

I have no problem with Christians… or any religion for that matter… we all need faith… even those that say they don’t… they are full of shit… we all have faith… we all need faith… faith is why we are all still here… faith can take many forms… find yours and live your life… if it doesn’t hurt or kill or destroy anyone… what does it matter what you believe compared to what I believe?… it doesn’t… because like faith we need each other just as much… even those that say they don’t… me… are full of shit…

What I do have a problem with is ignorance… if you believe something… believe it then… you think the bible is truth… then read the damn thing… hear the words… understand them for what they are… it is not a god damn shield to hide behind… it is not a fucking soap box to stand on… or a place to hold your hand to prove you are telling the truth… it is not something to manipulate for your fucked up agenda… I don’t know how anyone who believes in a religion doesn’t get pissed when these ignorant, dumb fucks throw their book around to justify their horrible actions of murder… oppression… genocide… suffering… corruption… pain… hurt… the list goes on… to me it is just like fuck you…

I live in a nation of mostly Christians… I’m not a bible aficionado… I don’t believe in it… I have nothing against it… just not for me… But please can someone… anyone tell me where it says… rounding up the poor and stripping them of their families is okay?… where it says to never lend a hand to your fellow man… watch them starve and suffer… care about yourself and only yourself… make no effort to set aside your own wants to help those of us who are in need… did I skim past a major section of the bible?.. I’ve got a basic understanding of this idea called Jesus… and he seemed very against not helping people… I feel like that was kind of his main character trait… so many Christians act as though Jesus wasn’t dragging a cross to his death for our sins… but rather the first brick of a giant wall he was building…

They act and support ideas that go against the very fabric of what they say they believe… not even like deep cuts either… not even like page 946… “Shit it says that? I must have missed that part. I read it all in one night. Well that is something to think about.” No… they are on page one going… “Jesus wanted nothing more than to oppress those around him and watch them suffer. That’s why he turned water into wine and gave them those fish. He wanted the wall to stop people from eating and having a good time. It is basic economics. Everyone knows Jesus was all about that money. Was all about watching his father’s people die in the desert sun. Drown in a river? haha No, that is their baptism. Says so right here on page two Did you not get that far?”

As a none Christian listening to all this ignorance and stupidity spewing out of their mouths… if I was to follow the “logic” of these super Christians… the examples that they lay out… Jesus sounds like a real asshole… Which again from my basic understanding of Jesus… he didn’t really come across like that to me… sure maybe he could be a dick every once in a while… who here can’t be?… was he perfect?… no… who here is?… but for the most part he seemed like a good person… with good intentions… seemed like someone who inspired change rather than try to snuff it out… From what I know of him… he sets an example of someone to put your faith into… must have missed some major plot points at some point… maybe I have been the ignorant one all along… for believing humanity understood what it meant to be human…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Broken Thoughts… With The World Behind Us…

A child
I have one
I still am
Feel everything
A mistake
I am one
Stuck in the past tense
I still feel everything
A reason
Still feel lost
In the same place
Going nowhere
Maybe I should
A child
I’ve always been
Still feeling every feeling
An anger
I can’t get rid of
A hurt
I can’t help but be in
A mistake
Resting inside my head

Hurts like hell

It’s going to hurt either way
It will hurt more with you than without
The end of everything that I knew
The pain feels real even as I feel nothing
Catching lightning bugs in a jar
Watching the light burn out
Bodies left for the others to know their fate
A burning corpse on the side of the road
All the thoughts left except for one
This idea of hurt is all you’ve left me

I’ve been living on borrowed time

Sit down and shut up
Flowers on a grave
Nothing left to say
Honor the dead and let it go away
No way could any of this shit ever change

Written from the darkness of my mind… lets talk about that last thought… and break it down…

Sit down and shut up

We have this problem in America… maybe the world… where we get really pissed off about something for… I don’t know… well now it’s over… it is a tool and tactic used by our government and media… be mad but also be mad at this… gets to a point where we are all just mad about everything… and we never address the issue that actually made us mad… caused the problem… so nothing ever changes… people become divided… we war at each other until the next problem shows up… put the issue on the back burner… and crank up the next one… Examples… Gun Control… Abortion… Immigration… (Wrote this one based on gun control in the United States… )

Flowers on a grave
Nothing left to say

So we go through this whole I’m pissed and do nothing at all cycle… or do very little… slapping Band Aids on a gushing… rotting… open wound… and in the end this is where we stand on the issue at hand… an impasse.. where we wait for the next one… if you pay attention long enough it becomes a comedy of errors… or if you are an asshole like me… you just laugh and move on with your day… wait did he just said he laughs at the death of others???… yeah… I’m not proud… but…

Honor the dead and let it go away
No way could any of this shit ever change


There comes a time where just remembering those we lost and doing nothing at all to prevent future incidences… is pretty funny… the whole cycle leaves you with a lack of empathy for the next set of victims… Honestly how many time are we going to be sad or shocked that someone… anyone… died by being attacked with assault rifles… when we just keep letting assault rifles be sold in the US… How much do we really care about those that we lost?… when we continue on with the same thoughts and behaviors from before… we don’t care…

So yeah I am the asshole for moving on… but put up a fucking mirror… look into the cold eyes staring back at you and wonder what did you do to stop this from ever happening again?… yeah… the point is it doesn’t matter… conditioned by the very people we put our faith in to make this go away… it doesn’t matter… because if did… we would have changed it already…


No one really cares until it happens to them… sad fact of life… and I hope… I pray… I wish… it never happens to any of you… any one at all… because it doesn’t need to happen… Gun Control shouldn’t be a party issue… it should be a life issue that we all should come together to end… because I don’t bleed Democrat or Republican or Independent… no… I bleed blood just like you…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

No birds were hurt in the making of this cover… well that one is dead but it died of natural causes… still have no idea why the cat ate the eyeball… shiver… good eats maybe?…

It’s Been A Long Time Since I’ve Known…

Reflection Of What I See… Ode To The Soul

Dancing around the issue
Dodging how I truly feel
Because I have no answer
Nothing else to do
Second guessing my very existence
Why, why am I here
Why, why even bother going on
Lost soul, trapped mind
How could I ever be the only one to think like this

First world fucking guilt is killing me
If I ever had to work, kill myself over try
Born into this, fucked since the first fit
No one planned this out
A fucking tortured soul
If there is a god? Fuck off already

If Jesus ever cared
Killed me off long ago
Trapped with this feeling inside my head
Shipped off, told I’m normal
Hopefully I don’t kill off everyone
Just myself… right to choose
A freedom of choice

Crying for help is a weak way to go
What kind of shit show are we running here
Only care when it is too late
Everyone has to feel like me
Fuck your empathy because you’ve had none
Since the beginning

Live or die
Never mattered anyway
The way it should be
What society has taught me

 

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In the words of Mintly… “It’s dark. Really dark.”…. that it is… that is how it feels… no one likes to have their shit smeared in their faces… well maybe some do… nothing wrong with that if that is what you are into… but even you have to know that most people aren’t into that… we pretend like we care… until it happens to us… then we really give a shit…

It doesn’t have to be about gun violence… mental health… it can be as simple as the choices we make… not everyone feels like you… positive and negative… there is a point of respecting others that we have to get along… there is a point where we have to respect other people’s choices… I have two topics I want to talk about… not sure where or which way I should go… either one is too long and too important to talk about both… torn?… a little bit… I never want to tell you how to think… or that you have to think like me to get along… what kind of mindless society would that be?… isn’t that the point of all of this… hear what others have to say and decided for yourself?…

Like I said you don’t have to agree… you can be mad at me… I’ve never been right… never been wrong… I am how I am… you are how you are… respect is more than just a word… same as religion… same as choice… believe me when I say words mattered… and believe me when I say they don’t… thoughts come and go… ideas come up that sound great on paper… then you put them in place… well they are shit… time travel comes to mind… another time I will explain that shit show of a decision… not the time or place right now…  

There is some shit going down here in the states… some shit that is more than likely to come up…  care or not care… won’t change a thing… the issue is more important than the crime… the reason… the fucking why… currently we already have fucked up abortion laws… a vague definition of woman’s rights… personally… if it comes down to me… I am against it… a life is a life… but in reality… in the real fucking world… it isn’t happening to me… it will never truly 100% happen to me… and that’s when I have to step back… That’s when I have to take this shit off paper and understand what is really at stake…  Just because something is legal… doesn’t mean you have to get it… 

I don’t preach shit to anyone… but I do say one thing constantly… I’m all for anything that doesn’t hurt someone else… I respect that abortion goes very much against that belief… but it really doesn’t… laws are meant to protect us… us that are here… Life is life… but no one should tell you how to live yours… in truth… before God… before mankind… a woman’s right to choose is her right… because if it was up to me… I’d want the choice… this topic is rooted in so many things… You can throw religion in my face… it says right here that… yeah it says a lot of things we ignore… and that is just it… God… Devil… who the fuck ever… judges us based on our choices… 

To me that is religion… that is life… our choices… God or no god…  I’d hope that you’d make the right one for you… but I’m not you… and no one else is… it is no ones business what you choose… that’s your right… that is the way it should be… as far as God… and what she thinks… well… that’s up to her too… right… wrong… the whole shitty situation happens… and it comes down to a choice… everyone deserves the right to make that choice… even if it isn’t the one they would choose… 

 

Wir haben Angst und sind allein…

Recently, well two days ago I finally got around to reading a comic called The Dead Hand.  (The graphic novel doesn’t come out until Oct. But if you are into history and comics. I can’t suggest this enough. It is well worth the preorder.) The Dead Hand tells a fictional story that takes place during the Cold War. A time where the United States, the world really didn’t know what was going to happen. I am going to do my best to say what I have to say without giving away much of the story. 

The genesis of the idea behind this story is the idea that Russia made an A.I. system that could detect an American threat. Once the threat was received the system was programmed to retaliate without hesitation, without thought. Being a comic of course it is filled with exciting things, not plausible things, fiction, but the odd thing was the fiction wasn’t the unbelievable part of the story. The fiction actually made more sense than the truth of the matter. I believe that is why it has stuck with me for the past two days.

See it wasn’t that Russia developed a complex A.I. system or the fact that they developed it before the 90’s. Before the fall of the U.S.S.R. they were somehow able to develop a system more advanced than what we have even today. That wasn’t mind-blowing to me, at all. No, it was the thought behind its creation that seems so out of this world, so fictional. The truth in all of this is that during the Cold War. The United States and Russia were more than ready to destroy the world. Not one another. That would make sense. That would be easy to process, but instead they were ready to destroy the world. The selfishness of the situation seems unreal. Then I have to stop. I have to look around and that’s when I realize. It is right on point for who we are as humans.

I find myself questioning what it means to be American often. I want to jump to the conclusion that we are everything everyone says we are, but I also like to believe that we are not. The reality is that it has nothing to do with where you are from. Any nation, any thing under a microscope will reveal things we did know where there. Things we may not have wanted to know. It is easy to point At the United States or Russia and say they are evil. They have done evil things. Evil intentions. In actually as fucked up as the Cold War was and it was pretty fucked up. It gave us more than we could have known. It gave us this among other things. The internet, which we use everyday. Both good and bad. Some of us use it for what it was intended to be used for and some use it to hurt others. That isn’t nation based. That is human. As much as I want to say that so and so is the enemy to the human race. The reality is that we are the enemy of the human race. We do this to each other. For no reason at all.

Last night there was a shooting a street down from where I live. It was a drive by. Bullets ripped through steel, through flesh and blood, and now two people lay in the hospital. The shooting was drug related as these things seem to be as of late. Probably fighting over territory. For shit that was never really there’s to begin with and as I snatch my daughter from the couch. Press her body to the floor and I try to figure what the fuck is even happening. As I lay over her body to protect her I think what is this really all for? Hours later I am left with the same feeling. I wait for what I know is going to come. More shots echo outside of my home. The thing is there are always retaliation shots. No one gets shot, shot at and thinks, “Where did I fuck up?” 

Despite putting over twenty rounds into the strangers down the street so far they have lived. I couldn’t be more upset at the fact. I shouldn’t feel that way. I should be happy. Feel as though every life is precious, but instead I am left feeling like a monster.  Of course there will be retaliation. There will be retribution. It won’t be tonight or tomorrow, but it will come. How long until someone else is left feeling like me as they hold their child in fear or worse? Because that is how we are. A nuclear apocalypse or a bullet. What’s the difference? A nation or a person what is the difference? To be human at times is fucking sick. 

 

 

 

(The title is from a German band known as Rammstein from their song Engel. It says, “We are afraid and alone.” Or at least that is what Google told me.)

Bending Over to Take It… Smile… All Will Be Well…

New slavery needs a place to stay
New slavery doesn’t have anything to say
Too many problems to fit in one sentence
Too many issues to blame on one thing
We say we are holy, We don’t live in sin
Yet we worship all the worst things in man
Gluttony, Sloth, Lust, and Greed
We wonder why we have nothing
Left wondering
Get off your knees

New slavery is lost in the distractions of the day
New slavery is divided with too many things left to say
Too many people still caught up on who is gay
Too many people still caught up on race
We say we are just, We don’t except intolerance
Yet we stand against our victims, condemn them with the rest
Allow our masters to get in the way
We look to the stars for some sign of God
The answer standing next to us all along
A united front of ignorance and bliss
We say one thing but really we could give a shit
Auto correct me if I’m wrong
Mirrored repercussions, actions on repeat
No American has ever been okay with retreat
Maybe things are different, too blind to see
But won’t deny it never existed at all

Not decided purely on race or color
Money the chains of the day
Fight among the ones that should unite
Doing everything our masters want
Deception the war we’ve always fought
Step out of line and leave your place, get left behind
The times they aren’t changing only getting worse
We think we understand, believe we are so woke
But we have no idea at all
New slavery has nothing to say
So we just keep slaving away

 

Gasping for the Air that Surrounds Me

Ark

The darkness surrounds me
As the rain falls down

Over the sky, blood drips down
Signaling only death
I hope you all drown
I hope someday you are found
Bleed me slowly and see
If I’m still alive
You all said I was crazy

Said I didn’t know anything
A child with adult eyes

The cuts they hurt
More in the beginning
Stones casted out, words with so much meaning
What was the point if not intended to hurt

Time has a way of healing broken wounds
Time has a way to make it go away
All of this all over again
Clairvoyant even in the womb
Because I know
I’ve always known
How all of this ends

Gather around, get to together
Pick and choose
But you should know
Not all of you
None of you will be
Here when it is all done
An endless time born to repeat
A drowning, a rebirth, a life destined to live
Born to be who we were always going to be
Keep destroying, keep hurting, keep doing it all
Free will was never a choice
Only a way of life
I never saved anything only kept it going
God spoke to me and I chose

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Well this is late… by a few hours… been one hell of an eight-day stretch… honestly only thought I would die twice so that’s something positive… behind on everything… broken promises I never intended to keep… Someday I will figure this all out… what this is I don’t know… working towards living… or so I keep telling myself… 

There has been a lot of sadness in the air as of late in America… In Texas… afraid it will only get worse… before it could ever get better… as a transplant it is never racking… embarrassing to say… where I live… where I am from… accepting that we are all not perfect… is not accepting the actions taken… diluted… forced upon to believe… we are not all what we are entitled to be… wish I could say I was proud to be where I’m from… but there is nothing to be proud of when we are all hypocrites… we say we are a Christian nation… a Christian state… a notion shoved down my throat on a daily basis… If you are going to be who you say you are… then be who the fuck you say you are… hard to believe the wandering Jew known as Jesus… cast aside… “crucified for his lies”… dying for his beliefs… would ever turn his back on those in need…

Confused yet?… trying living this shit every day and not even believing… believe what you want to believe… but fucking believe it… don’t half ass your beliefs all over my life… day in and day out… then turn your back on God… because you are too lazy to do what needs to be done… to take care of those in need… this isn’t directed at anyone person… but if you honestly believe this is for the best… that separating children from their parents… is okay… when their only crime is trying to find a better life… you better go stock up on some more bibles… because there isn’t enough pages to wipe up all of your shit… to clean the ring around your mouth… the stain you are so full of… all the while we hand back our precious babies… to monsters who won’t even get off their ass to look for a job… let alone take care of their child or children… people who are entitled to something just because they are American… that’s okay… 

If there is anything more American than fighting for a better life… I’d love to know what it is… I’d love to know what all this bullshit is supposed to mean if it is all only words and not what we truly believe… For God and Country… For Hypocrites and Assholes… just another day… drowning in our own shit… 

The Ungame… Turn 2…

For those unfamiliar with The Ungame… well this might be awkward… 

 

This week’s question… What does America mean to you?

First a side note… because of course… This was actually the first question that I saw when I opened the box… thought it was a little heavy for week one… but week two why not?…

Good old America… as some of you may know… I grew up outside of the United States… so my opinion will vary drastically or it won’t… to me America was always this place I was from… but I didn’t understand… a land of contradictions… a land of freedoms and a fuck ton of restrictions on them… on the flip side of all of that… my mother’s job for most of my life was to protect those freedoms… 

To me, America is a land of opportunity… I like to believe that anyone… can come here and do whatever they dream… a hazy childlike approach to our great country I know… how much of it is true?… very little… more so than other countries… sure… growing up from the outside… I don’t believe that we are the greatest country… or the worst… I also don’t believe there is any country that is the “greatest”… some are different… some have better things… some shit is exactly the same… nationalism is important to a certain degree… I witnessed that first hand when I went to China…

What I saw there… shaped my view of America… what I saw for the first time… was so different… so extreme… selling this way harder than I need too… When I was in China (2006)… the last night I believe… our tour group went to a fancy restaurant in Beijing… to try some type of duck… I was young… the moments weren’t all important… as we passed the locals and were led to this large second room full of foreigners each at their own large table… Germans… Koreans… Australians… Norwegians… Japanese… other’s I imagine… the room was packed… the room was loud… so many languages at once…

The Americans… were led to our table… we took our seats… some of us whispering to each other… could barely hear the person next to me… as she complained that she wasn’t going to eat the duck because of the bird flu… ignorance… but she was older… had a lot left to live for… I guess… we all do in a sense… as we sat there in silence… it became obvious that the other groups weren’t just talking loudly… they were singing… laughing… drinking in their own culture in a faraway land… while our table tried to not stare at one another… I’m as guilty as the rest… I didn’t say much beyond thank you when my food arrived… What would we even say to each other?… What do we have in common?…  

I was surrounded by strangers… at the table… around it… in the building… even though it felt odd… it also felt very normal… America is a melting pot… we take the best of all the cultures around us… but we never learned to actually unite those ideas… we visit them… dip our toes in… but we don’t understand them… our cities… our states… are segregated to a point… much of it has to do with money… but it also has to do with culture… sure anyone can move to any part of town they want too… but just like I knew to not speak at that table… we know where we should be and where we shouldn’t… Too bad the government never figured that out… Land of contradictions as I said… 

 

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