Digging Deeper

 

As many of you know I took the last month off for a break… a month later and I’m wishing that I hadn’t… haha… I was able to finish the rough draft of my book… and then everything went to shit after that… I got super lazy… not in a good way… mostly I did nothing… worked on some new stuff here and there… dove headfirst back into No Man’s Sky… overall though I lost my drive… which was very odd for me… normally I like to write and write until there is no end… I felt on this last break very drained, however… took a much longer time to compose this month’s content… I think I have been trying too hard… or at least that is what I’m being told… what I am feeling…

This month I am going back to the original format… back to normal… as I try to switch my brain back into gear… I also have some new things going on… Fuck the Lemonade and I have been working on a project that will come out later this month… pretty excited about that… it will be a project based on our love of music… our thoughts… I will also be changing Tuesdays from just regular Chewing on Glass blog post to Post Scripts of the Unimaginative… which is nothing more than before the blog… before Chewing on Glass was an idea type of posts… really just a slight change to the normal format… Another project should be debuting called Five Words I Like and One That I Hate… I’ve been working on this project in my head for months… so look out for that… I’m also working to get more shirts up in the shop… should be an exciting month…

I want to take the time to thank everyone for their amazing comments throughout the month and for taking the time to read my Broken Thoughts… I’d also like to apologize for all the late responses as I try to kick my ass into gear…  they didn’t go unnoticed or unappreciated… I will get back to each and every one of them…

Special announcement… Happy Birthday, Soren… I hope you have an amazing day… and get everything you want… you are an amazing person and deserve it… even if you are a Biebliever… you are still pretty cool in my book…

If you don’t know who Soren is she is one half of an amazing team of Soren and Fox… collectively know as Low On Juice… A great group of friends who write an amazing blog and go to school full time… very impressed and you should check them out…

Looking forward to another great six months and thank you all again for being here with me…

 

Broken Up Thoughts

I know everything I need to do but I’m just scared…

Everything lasts if only for a moment. A moment in time lost forever…

Feel so left out even though I was invited. Invitation still in the mail I suppose. Invited none the less. It was as though we could have sat this one out but showed up anyways…

The sadness grows infinite. Dripping down but never draining away. As though I exist without existing at all. A lost parallel to nothing wrapped in sentiment and sin.

Fun to watch from a distance as the distance becomes greater and greater. Their faces still smiling though only with the slightest hint of fear. Go alone into the great nothing or hold everyone close for dear life. Either option succumbs the same fate. There is no life after death no matter how much we pray.

Everything is different even if it is the same. We tell ourselves if only I could go back to this moment or that moment, but it is just shit we say to ourselves. Like one more and I’m done. Three more later our stomach-aches and we are left knowing why. Can’t go back only forward. Good or bad forward is all we know.

The world is changing but we are all staying the same….

We live in a play set world where death is an option not a way of life. We take every single breath for granted yet they still don’t mean anything. There will be more to come. Tomorrow is another day not the end…

How far must I go
To reach the end of the world
Staring off the edge of a cliff
The whole world laid out below
I feel the paradise but at a loss
I see everything that doesn’t need to exist
When the world goes
Will I remember any of this

Really stretching the meaning of this post with this one… I was trying to clear off some of the pages on my desk… random bits of paper… nine down… a thousand more dead trees to go… a massacre laid out amongst the rest… So many Broken Thoughts still scattered in my brain… a slow drip… driving me insane… A happiness… I could never find… a rotting of the core… They say I am great at nothing at all… Believed the lies and now I am on display… Displaced from a reality that I must live… Day to day… everything will be okay… Post script of the unimaginative…

Broken Thoughts Love Edition

 

Quickly realizing I don’t write a lot if anything about love… Been digging through everything I have to find stories, poems, thoughts about love and I am coming up empty… Oddly enough Valentines Day is one of my favorite holidays… I like hearts… One of my favorite design logos is the main logo for Alkaline Trio… My two favorite holidays are Valentines and Halloween… Both are commercial holidays which again conflicts with my beliefs about commercialism… Commercialism is… Stop… Stop… must think about love… A bewildering emotion that comes and goes… Doesn’t last forever… but then does anyone really know?… Smashing my head into the keyboard…

Love is… a dangerous thing… it can make you do things you never thought you would ever do… Love can drag you through the depths of hell… it can make you feel as though heaven is a place here on earth… fuck it… today I’m not going to be cynical… I’m not going to shit on everything… I’m not in the mood… close your mouth…  prepare your anus… the cosmos wants me to tell a love story… then I’ll tell a god damn love story… 

My wife and I met when we were young… stupid… and had no ideas for the future… No plans… a few unrealistic dreams that have long since withered and died… I’m not a famous rock star… hell I’m barely a shitty writer… hang on to those dreams kids… the point is we were just being kids… we dated for about a week… I use the word dated very loosely… we hung out maybe twice in that week… haha… our first date was at my seventeenth birthday party… My mom threw a surprise party for me with everyone that we knew… all my friends were there of course… some of my mom’s friends… some people I knew around where I hung out… It was one hell of a party… but none of it mattered… because the one person I never expected to be there… was there… it was as though everything else didn’t exist… didn’t matter…

Jumping ahead… you need context… you need to understand… that this wasn’t just a random meeting set up by my mother and friends… I had first seen my wife a year and a half before… we lived in the same area… turns out across the street from each other… but we took separate buses… I’m early for everything… first to class… first to leave… first on the bus… I am the white rabbit… except I learned my lesson… never be late… so I’m sitting on the bus.. listening to my depressing music… and this girl walks by… slow motion… everything stops… the music disappears… catching a theme here?… as I watch her walk by… I memorize her face… I hope she gets on my bus… and I am crushed when she doesn’t… destroyed but only a little… tomorrow I will find out who she is… It was the first week of high school… I figured I’ll see her in the halls… then I didn’t… I looked… every day… never saw her…

The high school I went to was tiny… it was actually a middle school and high school all in one… Not seeing her in the halls is not all that shocking… I found out later that is because she is younger than me… so I didn’t see her… for a long time… so I “forgot” about her… started dating other girls… mostly older girls… I took advanced classes in high school… a year or more goes by and I see her from time to time… but still, I don’t talk to her because I’m shy… Because I’m in a relationship… because of reasons… then one winter someone I know… knows her and invites her to hang out… lucky for me it was cold outside… because I’m pretty sure my face was red the whole time… My shyness kicked in… my insecurities of how much of a loser I am… they were all on high that day… here I was hanging out with her… who was she?… who am I?… what do I say?… I say nothing… finally after all this time… I say nothing…

That was the best day on a long list of best days… but all that I knew at the time was that I wanted to see to her again… the search was on… I found out her name through the acquaintance we had… but I don’t run into her…. I need to run into her… so… the school we went to had its own email set up thing… it was really basic… shitty… and a pain in the ass to use… you young kids don’t know how easy you have it… So I email her… sent her my credentials for good old MSN Messenger… and I said something cool… like do you want to hang out sometime?… I was very smooth for my age… meanwhile… I got heavy into Nine Inch Nails and industrial music that year before… Shaved my head… everything except my bangs… which I grew down to my chest and dyed black… black fingernail polish… miss that so much… lip ring… and “arm socks”… fishnets if I was lucky… my mother approved of everything but the fishnets… whole other story… I waited days for a response… a lifetime in teen years… and all it said was… yes….

Then my birthday came up… my friends invited her to the party… no idea what happened at the party…because we were holding hands… honestly didn’t care about the party… I walked her home… and just before we got there.. we had our first kiss… I was already hooked on this girl… but after that kiss I was ready to die… it was as PG as you could get… but in my head… in my memory… it was like a god damn nuclear explosion… so when we broke up a week later it wasn’t the best time of my life… As much as I wanted to be with her… and turns out she wanted to be with me… the age thing got in the way… It made things awkward… Being older… “more experienced”… there were things I knew about.. hint.. hint.. that I was afraid would happen… I didn’t want her to feel pressured into things… turns out she didn’t want to be pressured into anything either… of course, neither of us knew that… the communication channel was basically shut down… we are both very shy… so when we were in person… neither of us would talk… had she known all that other adult shit didn’t matter to me… that I was happy just to be around her… we might have stayed together longer…

We still remained friends… she added me to MSN… we talked every night… then one day she had to move… leaving out details… but her parents found new jobs… common for where I lived and what our parents did for work… we were young… I’d never been in love… I’m sure she hadn’t either… I didn’t know I was even in love… I thought nothing of my feelings for her… thought that they were normal everyday feelings… until the day she left… until the day I never thought I would see her again… the day my heart was ripped from my chest… then I knew… I knew what love was… what it could be… who it was for… that I needed to be with her… it would be almost three years until I would see her again… and every day I waited was worth it….