Broken Thoughts… Throwing Around Words…

The demon is back
A casual friend from before
Talking out all the things
Buried deep within
I think this will hurt
I don’t care
Could be worse
I think this will kill
I don’t care
Everything could be so much worse
Speaking from inside, experience to say
Life is all about screwing it up
Learn from these mistakes
Mistaken as good advice
Vice made, vices earned
I deserve a fucking break
From my brain for one fucking day
I know this will hurt
Do not care
Couldn’t be any worse than before
I know this will kill
Do not care
Everything could be so much worse

Who I was then verse who I am now…

A moment in time
Reliving all the lies
Hid myself from the pain
So hard to find shelter before the rain
I’d drown if it made everything better
Sucking for air
Walls closing in, chest tightening
I knew it was there
I’ve always known that pain would hurt
Condition of living, conditioned to live
A moment in time
They all pass even with no end in sight
Hid myself from the pain
Broken heart syndrome with a broken neck
Swaying to the sound
Swaying to the end of all things that end
I’d kill myself if it would take away everything
Stupid idea, thinking then all the same
Another useless day doing useless things
Biding my time, each moment a moment
Each thought something in time
Take it as it comes
What else did you have to do today?

I’m writing the ending while trying to live through the beginning…

The smell of shit litters the air
This is the world we walk
The world we live
Walking with a crooked spine
To fit in
The devil may not exist
Because he already won
Victory can seem so empty
With no one around to notice
Truth in fiction
Satisfaction in lies
Can say whatever it is to win
Perception is only part of the equation
The view from the top is empty
A lonely place reaching for the sky
Claustrophobic at the bottom
Climbing through all the limbs
Tearing down each brick of the tower
Raining shit and blood
I ask you what’s the difference?

A lot of really interesting thoughts today… maybe I talk about them all… maybe I don’t… starting in reverse… the third one is one of the best things that I have written in the past year… for me at least… we’ve all heard that shit rolls down hill… or some version of this… I am sure every culture and every language has their own version because it is true… This idea though that shit goes to the bottom and that’s the end of that… is only one perception…

It is easy to hate the top… it is easy to sit here and being like really?… boo hoo for them… fuck them… fuck them indeed… I agree… except we are all just trying to claw our way to that point… we all want to be at the top… we all want to be them… to free ourselves from all this shit that keeps piling up… but the truth is… that the shit goes in a circle… is it easier at the top?… I’m sure it is… because I’m down here at the bottom…

Maybe it is age or just a lack of effort anymore… fighting everything to get to some theoretical top doesn’t seem appealing… it somehow seems so much worse than where I stand today… I mean if I’m going to have to fight… I’d rather fight to make everything around me better than climb above it… working out how I feel about it… as I write… so bare with me… maybe if we stopped fighting each other… stopped trying to push our way up… things could be so much better… working together rather than against each other… seems to be the answer all along…

We waste so much time and effort trying to be better than the next person… some very important ways it is important… it advances us… we advance… but the superficial shit… do we honestly believe someone in a Supreme shirt is so much better than someone who is not?… organic is a privilege?… shouldn’t it just be the norm?… do we really need a screen on every god damn thing?… or maybe hear me out… one is good enough… what we have is good enough… shouldn’t who we are define us more than the things that we own or wear?… you mean we’d have to get to know each other?… jaw hits the floor…

I know I’m not starting a revolution… I’m not saying anything I haven’t heard before… but I think for the first time in my life I am feeling it… I think about shit way too much… chewing on glass… and I’ll be the first to admit I think about my life after I’ve made it as a writer… the things I would buy and have and what I would do… sometimes the thoughts made me feel “happy” and sometimes they made me feel worthless… and lately… I’m going to be honest… I don’t think about the things anymore… I don’t care… nothing will ever be enough so fuck it… lately when I’m knee deep in shit… feel like all of this life is worthless… I think of my daughter… her smiling face… it makes me so happy at times that… I have to fight the need to cry…

I think about my wife and all the joy she brings to my life… I think of those around me… how one action can change their whole day… I think of what I already have and all the things I can do for those around me… not with money or gifts… though sometimes these things help… we still have to survive… I’m talking beyond the basics… we have to take care of ourselves and those around us… but do we need all the money?… do we need to have all the things?… shouldn’t we spend our time making this life better for everyone… instead of so much better for myself?…

We live this life backwards… we live this life selfishly… we live this life not in the pursuit of happiness… and no one can until they define true happiness… and it is not the things we own or the things that we don’t own… it is the things we already have… I know I am talking without any answers… I know what I am saying won’t change everything… but maybe… at the very least… it will be another perspective for us all to think about…

Hope all is well… Welcome to the new year… let the cycle begin…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

All The Things You Expect Of Me… And Then Some…

I Can Almost Reach

My shame burned into my face
Feeling the words more than I want
Stabbing you deep inside me
A feeling that means so much
Only for a moment in time
Forever locked away
This is the land of opportunity
Each level requires registration
Skin and blood have much in common
In that they are never enough
The color isn’t black and white
Off color green, dead beliefs burned into
Everything we say
Nothing matters when you are free
Up on a cross to get away
Crucifixion means more than
We’d like to believe
A faith in nothing leaves only a lost feeling
Take what you can get
Shape it into something
Turn it into freedom, chains dangling at your feet
Unbroken chains we pay to escape
Nothing ever goes away
Doesn’t matter what you believe
Everything will always be
Just out of reach

Running Out of Ink

Trapped in a parasitic existence
Looking into the eyes of those you hurt
Future unavoidable, forever left failing
Doing it right is doing it wrong
Giving it everything is all that we know
Trapped, left incomplete, purpose
Reasons never explained
Always pushed in our faces
We say
We understand
Have we, could we, hold me
The truth is there is no reason
Hard to swallow a shallow existence
Doing it wrong is doing it right
Fall in place marching to your death
Same as me, same as the rest
A million progressions going every way
Tracing a path to the same place
Ink foaming at the mouth
Spitting blood, are you sick?
Living with it
Future wrote before it has been read
How does it feel to be so human?
What does it matter if it never mattered?
Questioning everything to do with
Your existence

If you look really close at the image… you may notice the concrete in the background…

I’m really proud of the first one… I almost saved it for submissions… but fuck it… I’m sure it would just be rejected like everything else… I don’t like to brag or think that I am this great writer… but… there are some great lines in this one… The first part is weird… a lot of weird phrasing about how I hate my job and station in life at the moment… Then a bunch of lines about how the world is trying to fuck me… no matter how hard I fight it… or you fight it… or anyone… because no matter where you are in life… the next step is just as hard… if not harder than the last one… so enjoy it now because it is only going to suck more tomorrow…

So what the fuck does that mean?… give up?… fight harder?… it means whatever the fuck you want it to mean… we are all at different levels… some of us want to go to the top…. some don’t… but don’t let the dream fool you into believing everything will be better if… yeah if… if I had this… if I had that… if I was there… if I had done this… If is whatever you want it to be… we are all chasing it… but none of us ever catch it… ask around… if we get the time we can all cry about it later… such is life…

Poem 2… was originally called Existence… it was kind of lame… it was similar in tone as the last one… except with having to do with the outside world… it had more to dealing with the one in my head… Kind of a full day for me… I get all worked up about the outside self… calm myself down… and start thinking about how fucked up I am on the inside… how I’m not good enough… how I’ll never get any where in life… doing everything right is doing it wrong… because no matter what I do… still in the same place…

From here it is a basic downward spiral… that’s my day in condensed form… really though I’d say it is more like a heart rate monitor… up and down at a rapid speed until the end of the day where it is more like this………….^…………………

I’m sure an image would have been much easier to understand… but I like making you work for it… haha… there’s no good transition to end this… so that was that… I guess… Ambrose out… no… that was pretty lame… hope all is well…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Broken Thoughts… Slowly Killing Myself… Very Slowly…

There is an emptiness inside my
Head, heart, life, soul
Craved out by your hand
There is a dark cloud that hangs over my
Head, heart, life, soul
Nothing you say
Will ever mean anything to me
Living through this life
Poisoning the fucking well
Turned you against the thought
Driven under, but I can’t forget
What it is that you have done to my
Head, heart, life, soul

Destined to lead a broken nation… Just like me…

Biding my time until all is dead
Inconstant to the soul I claim to have
Fitting in, in the shadows
The darkness that separates
Me from you
The asshole who deserves a thrown
So much better than you
Fucking stab out the insecurities
All I’m left with
Is dead
A broken thought for the fucking insane
Biding my time until all is dead
Dancing, screaming in the dark
Best friends until the end
God how much do I hate you
Face to face is too much
Can’t use my words when I’m
Not hiding or did you forget
I’ve always been
The asshole in the shadows

Even the lies become clear…

Who knew depression could hurt this much?
Who knew suicide felt a lot like living?
Who knew this could have all been from you?
Hind sight telling me something
Sooner would have been so much better
Working through the pain

Hope you have been enjoying When There Is No More Room… I’m having a blast working on it… trust me I am working on it… In fact this Wednesday… there will be another part… Shitting in the dark…

I know this post is all sad… a darkness I live with every day… but today… feeling pretty good… Yes… I am listening to Bother by Stone Sour… but I am doing great… Textbook I’m lying… but I’m not… at least I don’t think or feel that I am… Switching tracks to Sulfur by Slipknot… I really don’t want to come off as sad or broken… yeah the rails are a little shaky… : )

I’m totally not siting in the dark… pretending I am all right… bored with this topic… in other news… well I haven’t been up to much… I need to do another round of submissions… but really what’s the point?… I got the voices in my head after all… what more do I need?… I don’t really hear voices… at least not yet… no judgement but… Would I feel less lonely at that point?…

The key is to not get up… give up… what’s the difference at this point… keep writing… through the pain… through life… through everything… eventually… something will stick… trust me… a waste of time?… death is the only thing we waste our time thinking about… living my words… see you all this Wednesday… music I love be damned… : )

Merch.. Threadless… Books… Amazon…. Broken Thoughts… Twitter

What’s Left Inside of Me

Destroying me
Who am I
Who are you
Kill the life left inside
Meaning has meaning
Pull the soul to the surface
Fucking dead
Kill you
Killing me
Worth it
A lifeless passion
Same thing
Different meaning
Choke the useless
Suffocate who I am
Feel better
I hope
You get what you’ve always wanted
Nothing

So much to say
Stand silent in judgment
Nothing to say
Who am I in defense
If nothing at all
A silent dream
Left in the sun
Left to dry up and die
How could I ever mean what I say
Silent as I die
Screaming inside

Useless you are everything you will ever be
Destroying yourself to understand who you are
Nothing in everything
Locked away mystery, enigmatic puzzle
Nothing all along
A lie I tell myself because I believe

The words mean so much less
Repeated over and over
Repeat a mantra of nothing
Hypocrite
Christ
Objection to the delusion
Faggot
Fuck
Useless
Words with no meaning
Hate myself
A demon
Left behind
Let me die
Destroy everything, that I mean
Meaning less
Hope for better things
Sacrifice for something more
Killing myself to believe
Justify my choices against justification
A right to speak but not a right to say

Dying to know
Who I am
What I could be
Broken
Useless
I am who I’ve always meant to be
All the voices
Don’t mean anything they say
Do it already
Turn the fuck away
Familiar
Lost
Loneliness
Humanity
Moments in time
Thoughts to think about
A life meant for more
Because someone told me so
Standing still, lifeless, dead

Looking for reason
No more reason
Become
Everything you believe
Tired reason to keep on trying
Destroyed
Who am I if I am no one
What am I with
Who am I if I am only you
Worthless
Open to all things
Closed minded with everything to say
Pain
Suffer
More
Chest split open
Skin resting at my knees
Begging for an answer
Give me more
Enough to know
What I’ve already known
Let me become the one
The one that knows more
The chosen one on the cross of society
To be hated is to be loved
To be the villain is to be the hero
Justifying all your actions, all your work
Praying to a higher power
Prying back the truth
Inserting myself into the history
A tall tale to tell
Have faith
Have faith in me
Trust me for who I’ve always been
Nothing

Before we get into how weird or awful… what ever the fuck this was… let’s a dress the fact that the block editor sucks… Does anyone like it?… Is it really better than what we had before?… yes this post is late… but none of you know my new schedule… so that didn’t need to be said… but oddly enough I feel I should be honest with you…

I’ve been sitting on this long ass piece since June… I rewrote some of it since that night… fixed parts in the last year… I’m posting it because I just want to get it out of my head and out of my sight before I make it worse than it already is… So why post such a thing Layne??… because it seemed relevant to me today… What the hell is it even about??… it is about everything and nothing… what I hope comes across… is that it is about everything that fires in my brain… at any given time… as I write… as I speak… as I think… it is constant… well for the most part… sometimes I really think of nothing at all…

Sometimes… for a split second of my day… I don’t hear everyone telling me I’m not good enough… I don’t imagine everyone hating me… I don’t see everyone looking down on me as if I am nothing… and by everyone I mean me… depression is shit… a conscience… is everything and nothing… much like this poem… or collection of words… whatever the fuck you want to call it… it isn’t perfect… but it is constant… I’m amazed I get anything in life done… If you know what I mean… you know what I mean… if not we envy you… 

Good luck… I’m sure I’ll be late again next week… but good news… last I checked I’m the one running this shit into the ground… smiles… : ) : ) : )

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Fuck block format… and whatever the fuck else they did… God… am I really getting this old?… 

I Don’t Want to Go to Sleep… If This All I Have To Say…

Taking the Wrong Stairs Down

The hurt feels like it will never end
Chain smoking the pain from my head
Got it wrong, but then isn’t it always in the end
Chained myself to a dead weight
Now I’m sinking
Thinking what is that I really need
Air?

The hurt feels like it has been going on for a while
Staring down all the suicidal thoughts from my head
Got it wrong, but then its been that way for a while
Starving myself to a dead weight
Thinking what is it that I really need
Food?

The hurt feels like it has gone on too long
Walling off all traces from my head
Got it wrong, but then isn’t that long enough
Unchained myself to a dead weight
Now I’m confusing
Thinking what is it that I really need
You?

 

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Of course I would return to the warm weather in Texas after a month away in the cold… and get sick… powering through it though… So if this week is all scattered and makes no sense… it’s the sickness… (rolls eyes)… 

Fun highlights of my life right now…

I gave up soda… in a second step to cut out caffeine from my daily life… I feel like punching someone in the throat… so it’s going well… haha… the biggest differences I’ve noticed so far… besides my irritability to anyone who speaks to me… not a whole lot… I’m at that point in my withdraw… where quitting makes no sense… I wasn’t dead before… I was happy… I was a fun person to be around… It made me feel better… I think it is called denial… I’d ask someone… but then I might punch them in the throat… 

I started playing bass guitar again after a sixteen year absence… I’m as awful at it as you are imagining… it’s awesome… bass guitar was the first instrument I got as a kid… I wanted drums… every parents nightmare… my mom talked me into a bass guitar…  I only agreed because Mark Hoppus from Blink-182 was cool… so why not… less than a year later I was begging for drums again… which I eventually got… I played drums through out high school… I just realized there was no point to this story… haha… yeah I need more sleep… 

 

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I’ll Tell You What To Do… And You Will Get It Done…

Killing, Dragging, Taking

Slowly dying, the grave inside your heart
You say you don’t want to hurt
But it does
Slowly dying, the voice inside my head
It says it doesn’t want to hurt
But it does
Slowly dying, to the words inside our hearts
Meant something once 
But it turns out they never did
Slowly dying and it is all that I have left
Slowly dying and it is all that we have left
Slowly dying and I don’t know 
Slowly dying and we can’t stop
Slowly dying to feel something that isn’t there

The voice inside my head
Would leave me for dead
The voice inside my head
Screaming the words
Shaking the cages of my home
The voice inside my head
Would leave me for dead
The voice inside my head
Never cared about me
Never cared about anything
The voice inside my head
Has been all I’ve known

Slowly I’m getting there
Slowly I have become more
Slowly I will be something
Slowly I’ve adopted the reasons
Slowly I’m succumbing to
The voice inside my head
Killing me all over again
Dragging me further down
Taking all that it wants

 

Dead, Alive

Compassion for a pointless point
Suicide is a four letter word
Tucked away deep in the mind
Give up, giving in
Still trying to decide the difference
Been dead, dying inside
What’s one more day without an option?

Passion for a pointless reason
Living is a five letter word
Tucked away deep in the mind
Gave up, giving in
Still trying to decide the difference
Alive, dying inside
What’s one more day with an option? 

 

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Really thought the phone thing might work… okay… I didn’t really… but I thought at least I would write something… and I didn’t… haven’t written anything new in the last month… until today… Killing, Dragging, Taking… It isn’t all that great… I would barely call it good enough… but I had to get it out… Had to say something… force myself back into the habit of writing… 

That’s the worst part of stepping away… away from anything really… is getting back into it… no matter how bad you want it… don’t mean shit… until you do it… and yes I feel like shit… feel as though I have been drained… and I fucking love it… so fuck it let’s get this shit started up all over again… : )… Lets burn this mother fucker down… keep swinging my friends… because no one’s Killing, Dragging, or Taking us… anytime soon… 

 

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

 

 

Taking It For A Test Ride… Part 2

Welcome to Taking It For a Test Ride Part 2… (Temporary title… I’ll come up with something more ridicules later…)… Part 1 can be found here… (Link)… or you could just look at yesterday’s post… not judging your laziness… Pretty sure I’m going to forget to even add the link… Hell I was on the fence on whether or not I would even do this post… So lets jump into it before I wander off into the woods and find something shiny or something dead to play with… 

 

Movie Review 2

Hotel Artemis

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Spoilers Ahead

 

Where to begin with this shit show… Yet another film I have watched recently where the actors are amazing… the world built is fascinating… and yet none of it really matters… Personally I’m pretty sure someone watched John Wick and said, “Hey, I can do that.”… Well as it turns out they couldn’t… John Wick wasn’t and isn’t perfect… what that film is though is original for the most part… Don’t get me wrong… this film doesn’t just rip the face off of John Wick and then spread it out evenly between a collection of characters…

Okay… maybe it does a little bit… A lot of this film is spent showing how this world’s Los Angeles is and what it has become… a gangster ridden shit box without any water… basically people are pissed… and if anyone knows the history of LA… when they get pissed shit goes down… None of which is really that important to our characters because… well they are bad ass killers, thieves, assholes, and all around menaces to society… so people having or not having water… people rioting in the streets for their right to clean water… don’t mean shit to these miscreants… What it does mean though… for you as the viewer… is that all of this will be taking place in… you guessed it… Hotel Artemis

Honestly not a bad setup to why we can’t go outside… Problem being… I feel like the real issues… what we should really be concerned with is outside of the hotel for assholes… But that could probably be because the world… our world is really heading that way… then again fuck’em… water isn’t a basic human right… it’s not like we need it to survive… so lets spend the next 94 minutes figuring out what the fuck these assholes are up too…

They aren’t up to much… because the Hotel Artemis isn’t really a hotel… It is more of a criminal hospital… with lots of rules… rules that must be followed… or you die… do you understand?… Good… because we are going to break most of them… even a really big… maybe the most important one… Don’t let a cop into the den of deceit… and for no real reason at all we fucking do it… well there is a reason… this wasn’t really all that poorly written… but they really did follow the method of… “Oh, this would be really awesome”… “Shit I’m in a hole”… “How do I get out of this?”… “Oh, this would be really awesome”… wash… rinse… and repeat… But they did it pretty well until they couldn’t… and that my friends is called the end…

I got side tracked there… point is they attempted to build a world that was pretty interesting… they tried to build a place where all of these cool characters could come together… and they barely pulled it off… I wouldn’t say it was a complete waste of my time… afterwards maybe… only because I had the same thought the creator did right after seeing John Wick… “Hey, I can do that.”… but then laziness kicked in… said ah fuck it… and added my ideas to the ever-growing pile of shit I like to call my notes… 

Enough with the negatives… let’s get ankles deep in the positives about this film… The makeup on Jodie Foster was impressive… to the point where I was like there is no fucking way she is that old… turns out she isn’t… great job there… Sterling K. Brown did an amazing job… though a lot of this I feel was just his overall nature of being cool, calm, and a collected bad ass… he is also the main character and in an interesting twist one of the most informed characters about this world…

(For the non-writers… usually the main character has no idea what the fuck is going on… because they are you… the audience… there for we are experiencing this story together for the first time… learning, growing, and expanding our horizons beyond what we thought was or could be… “You mean to tell me I am a Wizard and that there is a whole Wizarding world I didn’t know existed?. Please tell me more.”… that’s at least a year’s worth of college… you’re welcome… Also yes, you are Harry Potter… and that is why if you actually read the books… you too have come to the conclusion that the movies suck… because they aren’t like you or the ways you imagined that world to be… and if you thought they were awesome?… stop lying to yourself… they were shit cash grabs…) 

Back to where I was… Brown does a great job… Not as great as he does on American Crime Story… but great none the less… Charlie Day also does a great job… only because for once he isn’t playing himself in a comedy role… rather he is playing himself in a “dramatic” one… this may sound like an insult… or that I am shitting on him in some way… but actually I am not… massive Charlie Day fan… would watch him in anything.. and I have… and I have enjoyed all of his performances… Always Sunny For Life… As far as everyone else… they were all interesting… they were all awesome… as someone who is really into movies and wasting their life on this crap… I always love when someone I recognize pops up… “Oh shit, they are in this”… comes up a lot when I watch movies and I love that… 

Overall Score

Hard fucking pass… another case of this trailer is awesome… what else is out there?… If you find this on Netflix… someone else paid for it… or you just got sick of burning your money and thought, “Hey, I don’t actually have to light it on fire all the time to have the same effect” … Then I say check it out… There are things to like… but not enough to love…

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I’m pretty sure anyone who was asking for a sequel to Marry Poppins is either dead or dying… what is this the 60’s?… This film is about five decades too late…

There are actually people out there who could use the money…and the help… Instead of blowing it on the making of this film… I’ve got a sequel for you… Mary Pippins Actually Helps Somebody… it’s a documentary… throw in some songs about scoring crack under a bridge called… This Medicine Don’t Go Down So Smooth… everybody has a great time… it’s a family film… a feel good film about how shitty the world is… we laugh… we cry… we wait five decades and see the actual impact of our kindness… I even have the tagline… “Who the fuck is Mary Poppins?”… it could be amazing…