Broken Thoughts… Breaking Down The Forever Circus…

The sadness sinks in
A world with no reason
Broken hearted, left wondering
How much time is left 
To destroy

 

Drinking a death wish left to employ
I’d take you all if it means happiness
Selfish, I’ve always known why
So much easier to take away
Then live this shit day to day
Still hanging on anyway
Raise my glass we’re in this together now
Happiness has always been nothing more than
A thought

 

Emotions come and go away
Words are easy to say
Live?, another question to be asked
Who was I in all this madness
Miss you more than I forgot
They say so many things
They lie to tell the truth
What’s the reason, no reason why
Call it life, call it what you will
Doesn’t matter, how it is to die
Words spell out my life
Words say so much and then we die
Choking on so many things
The mind keeps going
An empty feeling of nothingness
Wasted gift, no one has ever listened
Swing and thinking
None of this even matters

 

People fucking die
And we wonder why
Depression is great
Then you wonder why
The good die for no reason

 

I’m fucked up and it’s all right
Human as the night sky
Who I am with no reason why
Forgiveness, holds hands with sin
Fight hell, fight the light
The truth is more than I can describe
Being human was never the lie

 

“Life doesn’t make sense. Madness? Well… you tell me.”
Cooper Jones, No One Ever Said This Was Free

 

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A few repeats in here… not sure what I am talking about?… well then you don’t follow me on twitter… haha… that’s my one shitty plug for your attention… lets talk about real shit now that business is out of the way…

This week… has been a trail of judgement… that doesn’t make sense… a cross roads of the soul… no… a rite of passage… maybe… the last week has been a fucking eye opener… full of ups and downs… a blank mind… and wonder why I don’t just die… don’t read too much into that last line… death pops up in this empty vessel I call a mind all the time… nature of who I am at this point… normal?… probably not… but it is for me… that’s not what I’m trying to share… no… it is something way worse…

Something is miss firing in my brain… shocked?… maybe a little… I don’t know if it the almost decade of no sleep… who I was always meant to be… or a medical reason… so I will be going to the doctor… in the next few days… I know what I need to say… but I’m afraid… I know what I want to say… but I don’t want it to be true… so it is just easier to pretend everything is fine… honesty is not what I’m good at… telling people how I really feel… is not something I am good at… drag myself through hell to see you smile… is how I’ve always been… getting off topic… 

I suffer from anxiety… self diagnosed… if the smallest amount of change happens around me… a panic attack is sure to follow… been happening for as long as I can remember… I can live with that… because I have… I know what I need to do to… having nights believing I would die in my sleep… so I didn’t sleep… will do that to you… losing your shit because one too many people happen to be at the mall… so I leave… will do that to you… all of these things easy to avoid… easy to talk yourself down from… but the other day… I sat in this special training for my job… as I sat doing nothing… I can’t describe how I felt… I tried to explain it to my wife… I thought I was going to die… right there… no reason… Tried to talk myself down for hours… but the thought never left my mind… I sat there shaking… I sat there wondering if this was it… anyone with anxiety will tell you that’s all it takes… a thought… to set off a shit storm of what’s to come…

The feeling washes over you… the idea consumes everything you know… it isn’t normal… and I don’t know what to do… I know that I won’t die… heart racing a mile a minute… nothing is wrong with me… heart beating the fuck out of my chest… literally nothing is happening… and I know that if I close my eyes… that is it… the end… no more living… no more family… no more friends… and I’m not ready… I don’t think I ever will be… but right now… in this moment… I know that I’m not ready… I need help… denial isn’t working anymore… What that means for who I am… or what I think I am… I don’t know… and that scares me too… 

The truth of all of this… is that I’m scared… all the time… scared I won’t see my wife again… scared I won’t see my daughter grow up… scared I won’t make it to the end of the day… hell I’m scared I’m wasting my time of every minute of every day… some fear is good… but this has become something else…  so… that has been what has happening to me… things have been dark as of late… passing moments… or how it has always been… no idea… things might change… it takes time… or they might stay the same… but I want you to know that I give you everything I can… and I thank you for accepting me for who I am… for giving me everything you got too… we’re in this together… and I’m glad to just stand beside you each and every day… Life is about making it to tomorrow… nothing else… nothing less… nothing more… dark thoughts pop up… slip themselves in… but that is how I truly feel… that’s how I make it day to day… 

 

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It’s Been A Long Time Since I’ve Known…

Reflection Of What I See… Ode To The Soul

Dancing around the issue
Dodging how I truly feel
Because I have no answer
Nothing else to do
Second guessing my very existence
Why, why am I here
Why, why even bother going on
Lost soul, trapped mind
How could I ever be the only one to think like this

First world fucking guilt is killing me
If I ever had to work, kill myself over try
Born into this, fucked since the first fit
No one planned this out
A fucking tortured soul
If there is a god? Fuck off already

If Jesus ever cared
Killed me off long ago
Trapped with this feeling inside my head
Shipped off, told I’m normal
Hopefully I don’t kill off everyone
Just myself… right to choose
A freedom of choice

Crying for help is a weak way to go
What kind of shit show are we running here
Only care when it is too late
Everyone has to feel like me
Fuck your empathy because you’ve had none
Since the beginning

Live or die
Never mattered anyway
The way it should be
What society has taught me

 

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In the words of Mintly… “It’s dark. Really dark.”…. that it is… that is how it feels… no one likes to have their shit smeared in their faces… well maybe some do… nothing wrong with that if that is what you are into… but even you have to know that most people aren’t into that… we pretend like we care… until it happens to us… then we really give a shit…

It doesn’t have to be about gun violence… mental health… it can be as simple as the choices we make… not everyone feels like you… positive and negative… there is a point of respecting others that we have to get along… there is a point where we have to respect other people’s choices… I have two topics I want to talk about… not sure where or which way I should go… either one is too long and too important to talk about both… torn?… a little bit… I never want to tell you how to think… or that you have to think like me to get along… what kind of mindless society would that be?… isn’t that the point of all of this… hear what others have to say and decided for yourself?…

Like I said you don’t have to agree… you can be mad at me… I’ve never been right… never been wrong… I am how I am… you are how you are… respect is more than just a word… same as religion… same as choice… believe me when I say words mattered… and believe me when I say they don’t… thoughts come and go… ideas come up that sound great on paper… then you put them in place… well they are shit… time travel comes to mind… another time I will explain that shit show of a decision… not the time or place right now…  

There is some shit going down here in the states… some shit that is more than likely to come up…  care or not care… won’t change a thing… the issue is more important than the crime… the reason… the fucking why… currently we already have fucked up abortion laws… a vague definition of woman’s rights… personally… if it comes down to me… I am against it… a life is a life… but in reality… in the real fucking world… it isn’t happening to me… it will never truly 100% happen to me… and that’s when I have to step back… That’s when I have to take this shit off paper and understand what is really at stake…  Just because something is legal… doesn’t mean you have to get it… 

I don’t preach shit to anyone… but I do say one thing constantly… I’m all for anything that doesn’t hurt someone else… I respect that abortion goes very much against that belief… but it really doesn’t… laws are meant to protect us… us that are here… Life is life… but no one should tell you how to live yours… in truth… before God… before mankind… a woman’s right to choose is her right… because if it was up to me… I’d want the choice… this topic is rooted in so many things… You can throw religion in my face… it says right here that… yeah it says a lot of things we ignore… and that is just it… God… Devil… who the fuck ever… judges us based on our choices… 

To me that is religion… that is life… our choices… God or no god…  I’d hope that you’d make the right one for you… but I’m not you… and no one else is… it is no ones business what you choose… that’s your right… that is the way it should be… as far as God… and what she thinks… well… that’s up to her too… right… wrong… the whole shitty situation happens… and it comes down to a choice… everyone deserves the right to make that choice… even if it isn’t the one they would choose… 

 

Digging Up The Past… On The Edge Of Seventeen… Vol 2

Editor’s Note: I’m pretty sure these were meant to be songs… That’s how all this began… going to try to copy them word for word… but I promise nothing… 

 

Wide Eyed

looking deep through your eyes
I see the truth in your lies
the many lives you’ve lived before
you’re nothing without the dead

wide eyed
try, I eyed
miss my life
buried in your
eyes

 

Editor’s Note: Most of everything is going to look a whole lot like Broken Thoughts… Because well shit never changes… just gets worse… dear God it is all leaking back in…

 

Sins of lust, sins of greed
Sins of wrath, sins of envy
What the fuck is gluttony???
Sins of life, sins of death
Seven Deadly sins, no rest
Sins of life, sins of death
Seven deadly sins, no test


(I remember what this is about kind of… I was really into the Misfits… Okay I still am… but at the time I was too… so I wanted so much to be like Glenn Danzig… Short horror punk songs… etc… this one was about the movie Seven… apparently I decided I was bored with the idea… because I never finished it… missing two sins…)

 

Communism, prevampire Catholicism
Find me lost in botulism
Finally realize
You must fuck the ism
Fuck, fuck the ism

 

Cross

What did you come up with?
What did you think?
Who fucking cares

“Communism is nothing but a red herring”

One of them is bigger than the other one
And one is not a pig
Society’s views are not viewed clear
Another generation has lost its integrity

Cross multiply, cross multiply
Cross
The Christian mask you put on
Is false

“Some say why does a preacher need a nice house?”
He is the god child
haha, you’re blind

Cross multiply, cross multiply
Cross
Raise me upon your cross
Realize that you are wrong

(This one is inspired by Nine Inch Nails… and White Zombie… The quotes are from soundbites I had found on the internet… I don’t know where the first one is from… the second one is from a movie… my friends and I used to quote all the time… even at seventeen the hypocrisy of religion was a theme I would obsess about… I have no hate or ill fillings towards any religion… I just can’t stand this idea that I’m better than you… so it is human’s for the most part that I can’t stand… why ruin something beautiful with your selfish needs?…

I don’t know… basically you won’t find me in church on Sunday… but you won’t be seeing me burn one down either… if you aren’t hurting anyone… do your thing… you have my support…)

 

What you need I don’t have
Why keep asking
Why Keep demanding
To see your god would be too hard
How far would you go
To see something that you don’t know

 

Walk of the dead
Walk of the dead
We walk
Walk of the dead
Walk of the dead
They plague

Look into the eyes of the living
Fear is creeping up on them

Walk of the dead
Walk of the dead
There is nothing left
Walk of the dead
Walk of the dead
They’re everywhere

(Misfits inspired once again… Wonder what the title of this one could have been…)

 

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Well that was fun… I have more from this time… I have no idea when the next post will come out… but there will be more… I hope that you enjoyed this version of Digging Up The Past… I’m off to be embarrassed in the corner… Until next time… keep fucking writing… 

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Don’t forget to leave a review… a like… a death threat… I appreciate… everything you do… to help me be a better me… 

Will It Ever Rain Again?…

Dragging The Lake For Things I Already Know

Taking it out on me, I get it
Shut your mouth, where do I begin?
Carving out a likeness in stone
A distance within reach
I see you, but did you ever see me?
Selfish, what isn’t about me
Selfless, tearing flesh from bone
A theme as of late, collecting all the things
Take inventory of every scorn
Each slight against one another
The silence speaks more than the screaming
Thought you were my brother, couldn’t be more wrong
As much as I am right
I hear what you are saying
But fuck you anyway
If you couldn’t fucking tell
I am hurting
Maybe one day you could forgive
Whatever it is that I did
Without knowing, until then let the war
Let all this shit continue
I’ll be waiting as I always have

Expecting me to say sorry
You should know already
God forgives not me
Hate me if you must
But know I’ll be waiting
Anger will fade
Maybe the pain stays the same
Not always right, never willing to admit the truth
I’m only human
Said all I am willing to say

 

Tear You Apart

Drag your soul through hell
What part of I will
Love you forever
Do you not understand
Sinking nails into your brain
Filling your thoughts with so much pain
The words don’t always mean the same
Forgettable and lame
My love will always be the same
An endless devotion to killing you
How can you not understand
What I mean when I say
I love you

 

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These were… are personal… one is about a friend… another about… well love and what it really means… our partners are something special… I’m stealing this next thought from somewhere… but we just download all this shit onto others… fuck it… I don’t want it… you can have it… right… wrong… how it is… there is only so much shit that we can stand… harbor… endure… relationships are more important than we know… correction… healthy relationships are more important than we know… 

Sometimes we take advantage of situations that we are in… the people we really love… it is easy to do… are we monsters?… or we human?… it really depends… in most cases we are human… we are being selfish… being ourselves… that’s when it is time to take a step back… realize we can’t always be right… and we can’t always be wrong… it takes a stronger person to admit they are wrong… than the asshole screaming we are right… but when you are right you are right… confusing I know… life is inherently confusing… life at times can seem like shit… 

If you don’t know by now… We take advantage of the people we love the most… because it is easy… because they are already there… every one loves the chase… loves the feeling of getting to know someone new… but being the one… the one who is always there… it isn’t fun… it is essential… there is a balance to all of this shit called life… no one can tell you how to be… when to step back… when to not be selfish… no one can tell you what to do… but if you want to suffer… that’s your fucking problem… that’s a shit thing to say… but life is shit… step back and look at everything… if all fails… fight the war… but know that war… anger… hate… should always be the very last thing anyone should do… there is no shame in coinciding… there is no shame and being like yeah I was fucking wrong… you are not the center of the universe at all times… 

No one ever said being human was fucking easy… if they did… they lied through their fucking teeth… you know what is right and what is wrong… God or no God… you know… I think it is time… time we trying being the best person we can be… no violence… no hate… find yourself frustrated… take a step back rather than a step forward… understand we are all in pain… we are all suffering… and you know what… we are all in this together… today might be the greatest day of your life… but for someone else it might be the worst day they could ever live… respect the balance… be a descent person not because it is right… but because that the way you would want to be treated… be selfish by being selfless… see how it feels… if I’m wrong… I’m fucking wrong… at least you tried… I respect that… 

 

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Broken Thoughts… Still Swimming In Need…

Candles burning black and then red
The world wanted more so I gave what they demanded
An army of flesh, an army of broken bones and regret
Can you defeat what is already dead?
The fires rage on, with no one to put them out
Will they ever die?
Candles burning black and then red
Calling out for the devil, in pain
The world was never meant to work this way
Killing all of those people who stand in the way
Making a stand never meant anything
If I had a dream, buried between blood and life

 

Writing is on par with shitting in the dark. Something is happening just don’t know if it is going where it needs to.

 

I don’t know what I did
But I’m sorry
People matter, people bleed
Give you whatever you need
I fucking concede
Scream, hit me, whatever it takes
I can’t stand this trapped feeling inside my head
I don’t know how it got, where it is
I don’t understand why you abandoned me

 

“Nothing is as perfect as we want it to be”…

 

Digging out my eyes
And wondering why
The past defines more than history
Where we’ve been, where we are going
How we die
Time tells more than what to run from
Chaos breeds order, order will drive you insane
A pattern of behavior
No one cared so no one asked why
We kill ourselves
So dragging the lake
Looking for anyone left inside

 

“Destroy yourself if you will. A god doesn’t know when to quit.”

 

My heroes once said
“Who the fuck are you to question why?”
God doesn’t care
“What makes you so god damn special?”
Let this shit burn
Destroy, never question why
Give in, the devil was all there ever was
You are only as good
As all the things you despise
Chasing a dream and wondering why?
Chasing a fucking grave
All the things that make me go insane
Between heaven and hell rests a place
I have to call home

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I realized while I was outside hating myself and the world that I hadn’t done a Broken Thoughts post in a minute… Maybe I will not be remembered for anything I do… maybe all of this will only be remembered by you… but as much as anything… Broken Thoughts… is something that I want to be me… to be mine in this world… I want you to have every one of your dreams… but this is mine… selfish?… maybe… hopefully not… we all need our place… If you write… keep doing it… if you read… keep doing it… if you do both… Thank you… 

Shattered dreams, Shattered thoughts
Who I’ve been all this time…

 

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Early one mornin’ while makin’ the rounds
I took a shot of cocaine and I shot my woman down
I went right home and I went to bed
I stuck that lovin’ .44 beneath my head

Got up next mornin’ and I grabbed that gun
Took a shot of cocaine and away I run
Made a good run but I ran too slow
They overtook me down in Juarez, Mexico
Late in the hot joints takin’ the pills
In walked the sheriff from Jericho Hill
He said Willy Lee your name is not Jack Brown
You’re the dirty heck that shot your woman down

Said yes, oh yes my name is Willy Lee
If you’ve got the warrant just a-read it to me
Shot her down because she made me sore
I thought I was her daddy but she had five more

When I was arrested I was dressed in black
They put me on a train and they took me back
Had no friend for to go my bail
They slapped my dried up carcass in that county jail

Early next mornin’ bout a half past nine
I spied the sheriff coming down the line
Ah, and he coughed as he cleared his throat
He said come on you dirty heck into that district court
Into the courtroom my trial began
Where I was handled by twelve honest men
Just before the jury started out
I saw the little judge commence to look about

In about five minutes in walked the man
Holding the verdict in his right hand
The verdict read murder in the first degree
I hollered Lawdy Lawdy, have a mercy on me
The judge he smiled as he picked up his pen
99 years in the Folsom pen
99 years underneath that ground
I can’t forget the day I shot that bad bitch down
Come on you’ve gotta listen unto me
Lay off that whiskey and let that cocaine be

The late great Johnny Cash… The bold lines are my favorite parts of the song… 

Throw Away Post … Before I Forget…

This is or might get weird… I’m aware that I have missed a post… and I am late on this one… the thoughts are on the wall… just trying to figure out what to say… 

Have you ever played Binding of Issac?… Fuck that game… the definition of a time fucking suck… I do it to myself… it is so fun and engaging… I get lost in it… next thing I know… hours have passed… and I’m sitting here… doing nothing but screaming at my computer… free time gone… emotions on high… and I have to wonder… what the fuck is the point of life?… 

We live to feel in engaged… to have a purpose… if I find enjoyment in the suffering… then is it really a waste of time?… Video games fuck with your mind… you are doing something… you are completing goals… you are winning… you are the best or whatever… but it don’t mean dick… worlds have actually been conquered without them… people have actually done things with their lives… the world was created without video games… and yet here we are… all of the death… all the suffering of the world… here I am screaming at a computer… because it fucked me… fuck that game… 

Okay… I’m done relating my bullshit problems to real suffering…  call it first world guilt… first world problems… I don’t care… modernization creates more problems than it solves… the boy and the fucking dam situation… the more we try to help ourselves the more we expose the main issue in  life… What to fucking do?… Why are we here?… and Why the fuck should I even bother?…  Things were once harder… yet they were easier… Mate, Feed, Kill, Repeat… simple… basic… but we are so god damn special… we are more than the animals we claim to be…

 What becomes when the equation is solved by modern convenience… that’s what I have been stuck on all weekend… who the fuck am I?… In this great a big ball of shit… Special?… fuck off… you and me have always been equal… we say oh no… they are special… no… we say they are great… we say they are our heroes… no… no… we are the same… it has always come down to what we believe… It is all enough to make you go fucking crazy… it is enough that it take over your whole weekend… a life time wondering… why I even open my fucking eyes… 

To play fucking Binding of Issac… to fucking lose… we find pain in failure… embarrassment… truth is… failure is life… what a shitty fucking joke… doesn’t change the facts… fake it until you make… fail until you master it… a slap in the face… a wake up call to the dead… flying by the seat of your pants… is how they tell you not to live… yet how did they get there in the first place?… head against a wall… going crazy… playing Binding of Issac… until I have won?…. 

 

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Digging Up The Past… Embarrassing To Say The Least…

Lets take it back… back to before the beginning… before the time… I ever wanted to do this… before it was a dream… when it was something I did… over something I wanted to do… if I cut myself open right now… there is no way any of this would come out… lost thoughts… embarrassment… exposed just for you… why the fuck do I do this to myself?… 

 

Age 13: Digging a Ditch Six Feet Deep

Please Stay

I don’t know what to say
You probably wouldn’t understand anyway
You know I love you so why won’t you stay, stay, stay
Hey, Hey, just stay, stay
Sorry if you don’t like the way I speak to you
I’m sorry but you’re the first person I’ve fallen in love with
And I don’t know what to say to make you happy with me
So please stay don’t go away please stay with me please
Stay with me
I’ll try to make you happy with me if you don’t
Go away so please stay with me I’ll make everything be okay

 

(Editors Note)… I cleaned up a fuck ton of editing  mistakes… your vs you’re… ok vs okay… no vs know… so my grammar has at least gotten better over time… not by much… a lot to unpack here… No fucking idea what this was really about… don’t remember writing this at all… but looking back at this time… this point in my life… where I was… I can guess this was about a girl named Ashley… that’s her real name… no fucking clue what her last name is or was… Also we were never together… because I was too scared….

There is one story about her that I can tell… I hate myself so much… you’re welcome… once on a dare… I called her house… we all lived on base so our numbers were listed if you knew the last name… I remember that I kind of knew her last name… at least what it started with… so I called every number until… haha… Jesus… and asked for Ashley until some one said one second… Who the fuck knows how long that took… time is not a thing when you are that young… I finally get her on the line… I’ve been working over what I would say in my head this whole time… I hear her voice… and I shut down… I stay silent… “Hello?”… “Hello?”… finally I say… “Do you know what we are supposed to do for History Class?”… 

That was one of the classes we shared… she tells me whatever it was… “Did you want to talk about anything else?”… “Nope that was it”… hung up the phone… didn’t say… see you tomorrow… thank you… just put the phone down like a zombie… we didn’t talk much if ever again… of course I saw her everyday until I eventually moved… she even dated a guy that looked a lot like me… over weight and funny… I may have built this next part in my head.. who knows or cares after this much time… but you could tell she was unhappy… it was almost like she was trying to tell me to ask… all I had to do was ask… I didn’t… 

I don’t regret dating some girl I have no idea about… I regret not taking a chance… worst thing she could have said was no… be right here where I am anyway… happy… with a family… telling stories… or I might have been a serial killer… life is about gambling… but if you don’t roll the dice… well nothing is going to happen…  

 

Bonus: Favorite Bands At That Time

  1. Blink- 182
  2. Slipknot
  3. New Found Glory
  4. Mudvayne
  5. Soulfly
  6. Alien Ant Farm
  7. Sum 41
  8. Coal Chamber
  9. Fear Factory
  10. Spineshank

(That’s an official list… an official list of sadness…  haha… you know I was cool as fuck at 13… and that’s okay if you don’t think so… haha… we all area bunch of losers in the end… I couldn’t be more proud… embrace who you are… )

 

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Stay on the line for more embarrassing shit… I’ve dug up…