Things To Do When There’s Nothing To Do…

Start Over…

Said everything there is left to say
It is almost time to stop all this shit
Been on the fringe of a nervous breakdown
Searching for the right things to say
Nothing comes to mind, stay silent
Taught us well now it’s time to show what we’ve learned
At an impasse of great importance
Stand before you, surrounded, know what needs
To be done but will you?
The point is the time
Becoming too late as the next set runs us over
No more time left to live
How it has always been?
The world passes us by at an alarming rate
Fewer of us needed to sustain a comfortable life
Still too many of us left stomping on the ground
No idea what to do?
Strip the world into nothing to sell it right back
What else is there to do?
The poison sowed into the very fabric of who we are
Tear your eyes from the screen and look around
Why would we ever?
Guilty, don’t know a better way
Purge ourselves to save the rest from what we’ve become
Don’t know a better way to solve this problem
Wouldn’t do it myself but would you?
The words don’t seem to reach those above us
Not too sure they’d even notice we were gone
Do you even know them?
Dollars and sense maybe wasn’t the best way to go about this
Already heard it all before, time to start over
We’re we ever in control?

 

Painting Futures

This is no way to live
In the shadow of the generation before
Kept as a pet, something to adore
Listen to what needs to be said
Too late the day has come and went
Give us a reason to follow our hearts
Destroyed, locked away, extermination
Our futures are beyond fucking pointless
Give me a reason to give a fuck
The silence is beyond anything we could say
Without faith in ourselves
We are so lost
This is no way to live
Know no other way
Second guess myself at every thought
Living without guidance only rules
So fucking offended at the suggestion
I feel, don’t we all
I feel, that only you matter
I feel, I feel, I fucking feel

None of this matters
We have to find meaning out of nothing
The world doesn’t revolve
It only drags us around
This is no way to live, but what other was there?

 

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A little dark today… haha… might be a running theme through my head… a little crazy mixed in there too… working on a short story… the first in a long time… don’t want to say too much… kind of excited at the idea… mostly because I have no idea where it is going to end… when you will be able to read it… I have no idea… I just thought you should know… 

Speaking of things you may want to know…. Threadless… shirts…. Amazon… books… Etsy… art… and yes I feel dirty… : )

Bending Over to Take It… Smile… All Will Be Well…

New slavery needs a place to stay
New slavery doesn’t have anything to say
Too many problems to fit in one sentence
Too many issues to blame on one thing
We say we are holy, We don’t live in sin
Yet we worship all the worst things in man
Gluttony, Sloth, Lust, and Greed
We wonder why we have nothing
Left wondering
Get off your knees

New slavery is lost in the distractions of the day
New slavery is divided with too many things left to say
Too many people still caught up on who is gay
Too many people still caught up on race
We say we are just, We don’t except intolerance
Yet we stand against our victims, condemn them with the rest
Allow our masters to get in the way
We look to the stars for some sign of God
The answer standing next to us all along
A united front of ignorance and bliss
We say one thing but really we could give a shit
Auto correct me if I’m wrong
Mirrored repercussions, actions on repeat
No American has ever been okay with retreat
Maybe things are different, too blind to see
But won’t deny it never existed at all

Not decided purely on race or color
Money the chains of the day
Fight among the ones that should unite
Doing everything our masters want
Deception the war we’ve always fought
Step out of line and leave your place, get left behind
The times they aren’t changing only getting worse
We think we understand, believe we are so woke
But we have no idea at all
New slavery has nothing to say
So we just keep slaving away

 

Gasping for the Air that Surrounds Me

Ark

The darkness surrounds me
As the rain falls down

Over the sky, blood drips down
Signaling only death
I hope you all drown
I hope someday you are found
Bleed me slowly and see
If I’m still alive
You all said I was crazy

Said I didn’t know anything
A child with adult eyes

The cuts they hurt
More in the beginning
Stones casted out, words with so much meaning
What was the point if not intended to hurt

Time has a way of healing broken wounds
Time has a way to make it go away
All of this all over again
Clairvoyant even in the womb
Because I know
I’ve always known
How all of this ends

Gather around, get to together
Pick and choose
But you should know
Not all of you
None of you will be
Here when it is all done
An endless time born to repeat
A drowning, a rebirth, a life destined to live
Born to be who we were always going to be
Keep destroying, keep hurting, keep doing it all
Free will was never a choice
Only a way of life
I never saved anything only kept it going
God spoke to me and I chose

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Well this is late… by a few hours… been one hell of an eight-day stretch… honestly only thought I would die twice so that’s something positive… behind on everything… broken promises I never intended to keep… Someday I will figure this all out… what this is I don’t know… working towards living… or so I keep telling myself… 

There has been a lot of sadness in the air as of late in America… In Texas… afraid it will only get worse… before it could ever get better… as a transplant it is never racking… embarrassing to say… where I live… where I am from… accepting that we are all not perfect… is not accepting the actions taken… diluted… forced upon to believe… we are not all what we are entitled to be… wish I could say I was proud to be where I’m from… but there is nothing to be proud of when we are all hypocrites… we say we are a Christian nation… a Christian state… a notion shoved down my throat on a daily basis… If you are going to be who you say you are… then be who the fuck you say you are… hard to believe the wandering Jew known as Jesus… cast aside… “crucified for his lies”… dying for his beliefs… would ever turn his back on those in need…

Confused yet?… trying living this shit every day and not even believing… believe what you want to believe… but fucking believe it… don’t half ass your beliefs all over my life… day in and day out… then turn your back on God… because you are too lazy to do what needs to be done… to take care of those in need… this isn’t directed at anyone person… but if you honestly believe this is for the best… that separating children from their parents… is okay… when their only crime is trying to find a better life… you better go stock up on some more bibles… because there isn’t enough pages to wipe up all of your shit… to clean the ring around your mouth… the stain you are so full of… all the while we hand back our precious babies… to monsters who won’t even get off their ass to look for a job… let alone take care of their child or children… people who are entitled to something just because they are American… that’s okay… 

If there is anything more American than fighting for a better life… I’d love to know what it is… I’d love to know what all this bullshit is supposed to mean if it is all only words and not what we truly believe… For God and Country… For Hypocrites and Assholes… just another day… drowning in our own shit… 

A Running Theme… Stampeded Soul…

On My Mind

Well the revolution it happened so fast
It is as though it didn’t happen at all
Left behind to try and figure out the fragments
Shattered reality, pieces that society left behind
Where do we go from here
Should give up and never start again
My thoughts bleed together to the point
It is as though they never existed at all
All of this in my mind or
Am I missing my mind in all of this
Chewing on the pieces
Where do we go from here
Should give up and never start again
Everything falls apart so fast
It is as though it wasn’t together at all
Shattered throughout time, missing pieces
Left rooted in the gums
Blood dripping down my chin
Shoveling, swallowing all the broken pieces
Where do we go from here
Should have given up and never started again
Always on my mind, mind is always on

 

They Are

Pitfalls and traps are everywhere I stand
How am I to know which will kill
and which will set me free?
No one is who they say they are
Only who they think they are
Broken and scarred
So fake it makes me sick
A bass line dripping with disdain
A mind full of distortion
I detest everything but somehow
Wake up every morning anyways
My mouth tastes like shit
Getting sick from everything said around me
How am I to know who will kill
and who will set me free?
No one is what they say they are
Only what they think they are
Perfect and beautiful
So confusing it makes me dizzy
A bass drum saturated in disgust
A mind full of dissolution
I discuss everything but somehow
End up sleepless every night anyways
My eyes are full of shit
Getting sick from everyone around me

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A lot to unpack here this week… not really… was only painting a picture of a dystopian existence… the one that exists between my mind and the reality that I walk through every day… I started watching Fargo recently… the television show… not the movie… the movie is lovely… if you haven’t seen it… you should… also the Big Lebowski is a wonderful movie that you should all see or have seen… where was I going with this?… oh… I started watching the first season of Fargo… by that I mean the first episode… pretty good so far… really had nowhere to go with this…

Still reading comics… still listening to an obscene amount of music… just doing the normal stuff I suppose… can’t complain… and I hope you all are feeling the same or better… have a great weekend… see you Sunday for a special project… Hope all is well… 

Ambrose…. (WordPress wants to auto correct my name to Ambrosia… I’m feeling a change coming along…  probably not though… I’m not cool enough to pull a name like that off…) 

ThreadlessAmazon…. 

Corruption and It Grows

Would Like to Say

Smell of ashes in the air
Worlds on fire
No one, not me, not you, no one at all
Cares
How long has this been coming
How long have we been waiting
Revolution not measured in inches
But miles
Decades fall to the wayside
Time lost while others survived
Blink and you’d miss it
Young, the youth know nothing of sacrifice
Though they will after they’ve died
A joke, a crime, criminal
That our own people starve
While our concerns are sent abroad
A joke, a crime, criminal
That we spend more on blowing shit up
Then to take care of those at home
We come in peace to pick up the pieces
We’ve come to sell you freedom
One broken promise at a time

 

God Complex

Going to ride this all out, going to go on vacation after the great fall
Disturbing disturbance your please have become
If I knew the answers wouldn’t share them at all
Like to watch you suffer, Like it all too much
Genetically genetic your mistakes have become
If I could kill the lot of you, I’d have killed you all
Going down to the promise land, going to go there after all
Misguiding misguided your pride has become
If I knew this, Don’t know what I would have done

 

Didn’t Know

The world chases me to the ground
Hammers each thought out
Like a shield of armor meant to protect
Don’t know where to go from here
Gun is staring me down
Each chamber filled with something different
In case I miss, change my mind
Feel so close but no idea who you are
Sharing thoughts, I’ve came so I’m done
How about you, desperate for more
Desperate is the word of the day for all we know
Don’t know where to go from here
The insects pick at our bodies too lazy
To send them on their way
Too busy to give a fuck about something so small
A corpse with a beating heart
How much longer, forever for all we know
How much time, until we decide on the perfect ending
How could we, because we can

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Silently Screaming

Rage of Hope (People with No Face)

Must make myself
Better
Must make myself
Beautiful
Must make myself
Needed
Scars across my face
Broken glass for teeth
Maggots crawl through my eyes
Not enough to despise (death’s embrace)

Must make myself something
More
Must make myself into something
Desirable
Must make myself feel
Whole
Embalming fluid in my veins
Sinister smile across my face
Broken nails in each vertebrae
Not enough (death’s embrace)

Must make myself
Better
Must make myself
Beautiful
Must make myself
Useful
Into a whore
Into more
Embrace deception
Become the lie
Never enough
Never whole
Always more

Death holding me down
The ground so wet
The world such a threat
Bleeding conscience
Pumping embers into my heart
Why does it have to hurt
Why does it have to matter so much
Death dances all around me
Death’s embrace closest thing to love

The ground trembles for fear of life
The world in a silent spin
Bleeding to live
No one cared enough to listen to me
No one cared why should they
Becoming something better than this
What it is they want me to be

Why does it have to hurt
Why does it have to matter so much

Death is nothing more than a change
Death’s embrace, Death’s last whisper
Silently screaming
All I am worth 
My beauty, my body, who I am on the outside
A life made up of uselessness
Finding purpose in nothing
Am I better now
Am I beautiful now
Am I whole now
That I know where I belong

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I don’t normally explain my poems… I feel it is up to the reader to decide what the words means… like a fucked up version of reading tea leaves… this one is a little different… This one I did that for myself… I found this poem in my notes… originally it was about me… selfish as I am… but as I was reading it… it reminded me of someone else… the whole thing took on a different meaning for me… you may have noticed the shift about midway through the poem… 

This poem reminded me of a woman I used to work with years and years ago… We were friends then… it was a weird time… I was too self-absorbed in my own bullshit to really process what it was that she was telling me… the short and private version of this story is that she was raped… But that wasn’t what stuck with me… it was her lack of caring about what had happened to her… I asked her if she reported it… and all she projected was this attitude that it didn’t matter… this kind of thing happens all the time… for the record it does and it shouldn’t… she was trying to be a model… was a model… she isn’t the type of person I normally hang out with… “someone who cares only about their looks”… like I said it was a weird time… 

I was young and I was stupid… I didn’t see beyond her looks… I judged her just like the rest of the world… thought she was full of emptiness… but really she was full of pain… same as me… we hung out a few times… but I couldn’t stand the fact that she would agree with everything I said… a trait I contributed to stupidity… a coping mechanism… I didn’t understand at the time… a fear that she didn’t have to convey around me… I wasn’t interested in hurting her… but when anyone can be the enemy… when anyone could hurt you… much easier to go along… to the point that you don’t even exist… we lost touch when I got a new job… part-time friends… her story still stuck with me…

 

Knocked The Wind Right Out Of Me

Stress seems to effect us at different volumes and different values. Not everyone can handle what it takes anymore. The time they change things even if the game is the same. Used to be about survival now it’s about living. About doing nothing. The goals were once simple. Now the goal is to convoluted, to simple to comprehend. It wasn’t that long ago that there wasn’t enough people. Now there are too many. Positive or negative doesn’t matter laziness still poisons the well. Today nothing ever gets done because someone else will take care of it. Someone else will do it don’t worry. Who the fuck is this someone else?

Oh, I forgot it was me. Forty hours a week to make up for all the mistakes, all the things no one wants to do. This place drags me down. Consumes me and leaves me broken. All I hear is complaints about the shit that I don’t do because I’m too busy doing everything else. Poorly managed is an understatement. I think they train them to be stupid. Ignorant to the task at hand. Most of them have never been me and I don’t me in a figurative sense. I mean they have never done what I have to do, what I have done. Pull these worthless fucks right out of college. Cool you can read. I can read too. I can read the units, the hours, the labor, and all the bull shit. I can feel what they are saying and what they are saying is that we are fucked. 

I often wonder if I was dropped on my head too many times or not enough. Decisions are made with the littlest of thought. The thought process. “I’m going to need you to wipe your feet before you enter the mud puddle. Hate for the dirt to get dirty.” I need this that and the other. All I need is for you to get the fuck out of the way. Smile and loss your fucking mind. Lead, follow, or get the fuck out of the way isn’t just catchy it is true. Instead fuck ups happen constantly and the only way is to keep letting them happen. They have the staff so stressed out and paranoid that they run around chasing a chicken with its head cut off. Stop chasing the chicken. Come back when the damn thing is dead. I get that dinner needs to be made. Trust me I fucking get it, but the plates are dirty, the preps not done, and the pot is still heating up. We’ve got time. 

God forbid you communicate that said idea is a bad one. Excommunicated from the conversion from there on. Condemned until it of course fucks up then you are to blame for its failure. I try to stay out of it. To stay away from it, but they drag you in. They need someone to blame, to take the fall but I can’t let go. I hang on their every word. Loyalty buried deep within my very existence. Stupidity running right beside it. Trust no one and no one can let you down. If only I could live by the words that I preach. If I could live by the way it was supposed to be.

What happened to do the job? What happened to hard work? Gave a way to reward the weak and bury the strong. I see that it pays to do nothing at all, but I can’t stand by and watch it fall. To watch everything I have worked for go to shit. Watching it all fail makes me feel as though I failed. Whether I get paid or not. The world should not work this way, but somehow it does. Somehow the world keeps turning and all I can think is fuck it all. 

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I’ve lost touch with reality, with the truth… The harsh reality that none of this actually matters… Forgot the meaning of life is nothing more than seeing the next day… One day I will lose as we all will, but taking on all this stress is only moving me closer to that day… Not closer to where I want to be… Finding that balance can take a life time… Don’t let it… The sooner the better… In the mean time hug a family member… your children… and take a moment for yourself…

If the world isn’t going to work the way that it should… Why should we?… If we can’t beat them… do what they do… and do it better… laughing all the way to my grave… fuck’em…