Wir haben Angst und sind allein…

Recently, well two days ago I finally got around to reading a comic called The Dead Hand.  (The graphic novel doesn’t come out until Oct. But if you are into history and comics. I can’t suggest this enough. It is well worth the preorder.) The Dead Hand tells a fictional story that takes place during the Cold War. A time where the United States, the world really didn’t know what was going to happen. I am going to do my best to say what I have to say without giving away much of the story. 

The genesis of the idea behind this story is the idea that Russia made an A.I. system that could detect an American threat. Once the threat was received the system was programmed to retaliate without hesitation, without thought. Being a comic of course it is filled with exciting things, not plausible things, fiction, but the odd thing was the fiction wasn’t the unbelievable part of the story. The fiction actually made more sense than the truth of the matter. I believe that is why it has stuck with me for the past two days.

See it wasn’t that Russia developed a complex A.I. system or the fact that they developed it before the 90’s. Before the fall of the U.S.S.R. they were somehow able to develop a system more advanced than what we have even today. That wasn’t mind-blowing to me, at all. No, it was the thought behind its creation that seems so out of this world, so fictional. The truth in all of this is that during the Cold War. The United States and Russia were more than ready to destroy the world. Not one another. That would make sense. That would be easy to process, but instead they were ready to destroy the world. The selfishness of the situation seems unreal. Then I have to stop. I have to look around and that’s when I realize. It is right on point for who we are as humans.

I find myself questioning what it means to be American often. I want to jump to the conclusion that we are everything everyone says we are, but I also like to believe that we are not. The reality is that it has nothing to do with where you are from. Any nation, any thing under a microscope will reveal things we did know where there. Things we may not have wanted to know. It is easy to point At the United States or Russia and say they are evil. They have done evil things. Evil intentions. In actually as fucked up as the Cold War was and it was pretty fucked up. It gave us more than we could have known. It gave us this among other things. The internet, which we use everyday. Both good and bad. Some of us use it for what it was intended to be used for and some use it to hurt others. That isn’t nation based. That is human. As much as I want to say that so and so is the enemy to the human race. The reality is that we are the enemy of the human race. We do this to each other. For no reason at all.

Last night there was a shooting a street down from where I live. It was a drive by. Bullets ripped through steel, through flesh and blood, and now two people lay in the hospital. The shooting was drug related as these things seem to be as of late. Probably fighting over territory. For shit that was never really there’s to begin with and as I snatch my daughter from the couch. Press her body to the floor and I try to figure what the fuck is even happening. As I lay over her body to protect her I think what is this really all for? Hours later I am left with the same feeling. I wait for what I know is going to come. More shots echo outside of my home. The thing is there are always retaliation shots. No one gets shot, shot at and thinks, “Where did I fuck up?” 

Despite putting over twenty rounds into the strangers down the street so far they have lived. I couldn’t be more upset at the fact. I shouldn’t feel that way. I should be happy. Feel as though every life is precious, but instead I am left feeling like a monster.  Of course there will be retaliation. There will be retribution. It won’t be tonight or tomorrow, but it will come. How long until someone else is left feeling like me as they hold their child in fear or worse? Because that is how we are. A nuclear apocalypse or a bullet. What’s the difference? A nation or a person what is the difference? To be human at times is fucking sick. 

 

 

 

(The title is from a German band known as Rammstein from their song Engel. It says, “We are afraid and alone.” Or at least that is what Google told me.)

Knocked the Wind Out of Everything

Stress seems to affect us at different volumes and different values. Not everyone can handle what it takes anymore. The time they change things even if the game is the same. Used to be about survival now it’s about living. About doing nothing. The goals were once simple. Now the goal is to convoluted, to simple to comprehend. It wasn’t that long ago that there wasn’t enough people. Now there are too many. Positive or negative doesn’t matter laziness still poisons the well. Today nothing ever gets done because someone else will take care of it. Someone else will do it don’t worry. Who the fuck is this someone else?

Oh, I forgot it was me. Forty hours a week to make up for all the mistakes, all the things no one wants to do. This place drags me down. Consumes me and leaves me broken. All I hear is complaints about the shit that I don’t do because I’m too busy doing everything else. Poorly managed is an understatement. I think they train them to be stupid. Ignorant to the task at hand. Most of them have never been me and I don’t mean in a figurative sense. I mean they have never done what I have to do, what I have done. Pull these worthless fucks right out of college. Cool you can read. I can read too. I can read the units, the hours, the labor, and all the bull shit. I can feel what they are saying and what they are saying is that we are fucked. 

I often wonder if I was dropped on my head too many times or not enough. Decisions are made with the littlest of thought. The thought process. “I’m going to need you to wipe your feet before you enter the mud puddle. Hate for the dirt to get dirty.” I need this that and the other. All I need is for you to get the fuck out of the way. Smile and lose your fucking mind. Lead, follow, or get the fuck out of the way isn’t just catchy it is true. Instead fuck ups happen constantly and the only way is to keep letting them happen. They have the staff so stressed out and paranoid that they run around chasing a chicken with its head cut off. Stop chasing the chicken. Come back when the damn thing is dead. I get that dinner needs to be made. Trust me I fucking get it, but the plates are dirty, the preps not done, and the pot is still heating up. We’ve got time. 

God forbid you communicate that said idea is a bad one. Excommunicated from the conversion from there on. Condemned until it of course fucks up then you are to blame for its failure. I try to stay out of it. To stay away from it, but they drag you in. They need someone to blame, to take the fall but I can’t let go. I hang on their every word. Loyalty buried deep within my very existence. Stupidity running right beside it. Trust no one and no one can let you down. If only I could live by the words that I preach. If I could live by the way it was supposed to be.

What happened to do the job? What happened to hard work? Gave a way to reward the weak and bury the strong. I see that it pays to do nothing at all, but I can’t stand by and watch it fall. To watch everything I have worked for go to shit. Watching it all fail makes me feel as though I failed. Whether I get paid or not. The world should not work this way, but somehow it does. Somehow the world keeps turning and all I can think is fuck it all. 

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I’ve lost touch with reality, with the truth… The harsh reality that none of this actually matters… Forgot the meaning of life is nothing more than seeing the next day… One day I will lose as we all will, but taking on all this stress is only moving me closer to that day… Not closer to where I want to be… Finding that balance can take a life time… Don’t let it… The sooner the better… In the mean time hug a family member… your children… and take a moment for yourself…

If the world isn’t going to work the way that it should… Why should we?… If we can’t beat them… do what they do… and do it better… laughing all the way to my grave… fuck’em… 

Broken Thoughts… Light Edition… Or At Least I Tried*

Breaking down the walls that surround your rules
On how things are supposed to be
Nothing is supposed to be anything
How things are, are not that way at all
Time has shown us nothing
Time keeps going whether right or wrong
The rules are not the rules at all

 

Falling apart at a low speed
Coming apart at the seams?
Don’t know any more what that means

 

Fight among the ones that should unite
It is what we wanted all along
I had a dream became something ain’t right
Became everything I never wanted to be
A hypocrite, liar, shattered
Search for the answers through the ruble
We think we understand but we have no idea at all
Trapped in a world that doesn’t forgive, only forgets
Stuck in a place without a thing to say
More said the more we are driven under
Step out of line and leave your place, left behind
The times they aren’t a changing
Only coming back again
A suffocating wave of everything we’ve ever said

 

Feel free to judge, I don’t mind
Do it all the time
Explaining my thoughts
So much easier with tears in my eyes
My anger it doesn’t subside
My feelings are taking me to my grave
Smile real big, it doesn’t hurt
Does it hurt, do I care
Keep doing it anyway
With the same fucking smile craved into my face
I hate myself but more than you
Ask me again, what was the fucking question
Breaking bones, breaking souls, breaking down
How much of this is really okay to take
Prescription running low
How much more do you really need to know

 

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Well I tried to make this light… seems all I have are heavy words… for a heavy soul… unpacking all my thoughts… takes some of the weight off… allows for more to slip in though… the dark thoughts that surround me… seep into my mind… a drug… I could never quite… and believe me I have tried… digging and scratching… screaming… “I have had enough”… nothing is ever enough…

Well that got dark real quick… haha… wasn’t even trying… Speaking of dark… something to check out would be the comic… Ice Cream Man… it is so weird and out there… I’m on issue 5… still very unsure what it is about… which has me hooked… the art is really amazing… I have two of the covers on the walls of my office… I wanted to put them all up… but I have too many comics up on my walls as it is… Some other dark and odd graphic novels to check out would be Gideon Falls and Plastic… okay… I’m done staring at my walls… what kind of stuff do you have on your walls?… 

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Thank you for all the support… 

Things To Do When There’s Nothing To Do…

Start Over…

Said everything there is left to say
It is almost time to stop all this shit
Been on the fringe of a nervous breakdown
Searching for the right things to say
Nothing comes to mind, stay silent
Taught us well now it’s time to show what we’ve learned
At an impasse of great importance
Stand before you, surrounded, know what needs
To be done but will you?
The point is the time
Becoming too late as the next set runs us over
No more time left to live
How it has always been?
The world passes us by at an alarming rate
Fewer of us needed to sustain a comfortable life
Still too many of us left stomping on the ground
No idea what to do?
Strip the world into nothing to sell it right back
What else is there to do?
The poison sowed into the very fabric of who we are
Tear your eyes from the screen and look around
Why would we ever?
Guilty, don’t know a better way
Purge ourselves to save the rest from what we’ve become
Don’t know a better way to solve this problem
Wouldn’t do it myself but would you?
The words don’t seem to reach those above us
Not too sure they’d even notice we were gone
Do you even know them?
Dollars and sense maybe wasn’t the best way to go about this
Already heard it all before, time to start over
We’re we ever in control?

 

Painting Futures

This is no way to live
In the shadow of the generation before
Kept as a pet, something to adore
Listen to what needs to be said
Too late the day has come and went
Give us a reason to follow our hearts
Destroyed, locked away, extermination
Our futures are beyond fucking pointless
Give me a reason to give a fuck
The silence is beyond anything we could say
Without faith in ourselves
We are so lost
This is no way to live
Know no other way
Second guess myself at every thought
Living without guidance only rules
So fucking offended at the suggestion
I feel, don’t we all
I feel, that only you matter
I feel, I feel, I fucking feel

None of this matters
We have to find meaning out of nothing
The world doesn’t revolve
It only drags us around
This is no way to live, but what other was there?

 

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A little dark today… haha… might be a running theme through my head… a little crazy mixed in there too… working on a short story… the first in a long time… don’t want to say too much… kind of excited at the idea… mostly because I have no idea where it is going to end… when you will be able to read it… I have no idea… I just thought you should know… 

Speaking of things you may want to know…. Threadless… shirts…. Amazon… books… Etsy… art… and yes I feel dirty… : )

Bending Over to Take It… Smile… All Will Be Well…

New slavery needs a place to stay
New slavery doesn’t have anything to say
Too many problems to fit in one sentence
Too many issues to blame on one thing
We say we are holy, We don’t live in sin
Yet we worship all the worst things in man
Gluttony, Sloth, Lust, and Greed
We wonder why we have nothing
Left wondering
Get off your knees

New slavery is lost in the distractions of the day
New slavery is divided with too many things left to say
Too many people still caught up on who is gay
Too many people still caught up on race
We say we are just, We don’t except intolerance
Yet we stand against our victims, condemn them with the rest
Allow our masters to get in the way
We look to the stars for some sign of God
The answer standing next to us all along
A united front of ignorance and bliss
We say one thing but really we could give a shit
Auto correct me if I’m wrong
Mirrored repercussions, actions on repeat
No American has ever been okay with retreat
Maybe things are different, too blind to see
But won’t deny it never existed at all

Not decided purely on race or color
Money the chains of the day
Fight among the ones that should unite
Doing everything our masters want
Deception the war we’ve always fought
Step out of line and leave your place, get left behind
The times they aren’t changing only getting worse
We think we understand, believe we are so woke
But we have no idea at all
New slavery has nothing to say
So we just keep slaving away

 

Gasping for the Air that Surrounds Me

Ark

The darkness surrounds me
As the rain falls down

Over the sky, blood drips down
Signaling only death
I hope you all drown
I hope someday you are found
Bleed me slowly and see
If I’m still alive
You all said I was crazy

Said I didn’t know anything
A child with adult eyes

The cuts they hurt
More in the beginning
Stones casted out, words with so much meaning
What was the point if not intended to hurt

Time has a way of healing broken wounds
Time has a way to make it go away
All of this all over again
Clairvoyant even in the womb
Because I know
I’ve always known
How all of this ends

Gather around, get to together
Pick and choose
But you should know
Not all of you
None of you will be
Here when it is all done
An endless time born to repeat
A drowning, a rebirth, a life destined to live
Born to be who we were always going to be
Keep destroying, keep hurting, keep doing it all
Free will was never a choice
Only a way of life
I never saved anything only kept it going
God spoke to me and I chose

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Well this is late… by a few hours… been one hell of an eight-day stretch… honestly only thought I would die twice so that’s something positive… behind on everything… broken promises I never intended to keep… Someday I will figure this all out… what this is I don’t know… working towards living… or so I keep telling myself… 

There has been a lot of sadness in the air as of late in America… In Texas… afraid it will only get worse… before it could ever get better… as a transplant it is never racking… embarrassing to say… where I live… where I am from… accepting that we are all not perfect… is not accepting the actions taken… diluted… forced upon to believe… we are not all what we are entitled to be… wish I could say I was proud to be where I’m from… but there is nothing to be proud of when we are all hypocrites… we say we are a Christian nation… a Christian state… a notion shoved down my throat on a daily basis… If you are going to be who you say you are… then be who the fuck you say you are… hard to believe the wandering Jew known as Jesus… cast aside… “crucified for his lies”… dying for his beliefs… would ever turn his back on those in need…

Confused yet?… trying living this shit every day and not even believing… believe what you want to believe… but fucking believe it… don’t half ass your beliefs all over my life… day in and day out… then turn your back on God… because you are too lazy to do what needs to be done… to take care of those in need… this isn’t directed at anyone person… but if you honestly believe this is for the best… that separating children from their parents… is okay… when their only crime is trying to find a better life… you better go stock up on some more bibles… because there isn’t enough pages to wipe up all of your shit… to clean the ring around your mouth… the stain you are so full of… all the while we hand back our precious babies… to monsters who won’t even get off their ass to look for a job… let alone take care of their child or children… people who are entitled to something just because they are American… that’s okay… 

If there is anything more American than fighting for a better life… I’d love to know what it is… I’d love to know what all this bullshit is supposed to mean if it is all only words and not what we truly believe… For God and Country… For Hypocrites and Assholes… just another day… drowning in our own shit… 

A Running Theme… Stampeded Soul…

On My Mind

Well the revolution it happened so fast
It is as though it didn’t happen at all
Left behind to try and figure out the fragments
Shattered reality, pieces that society left behind
Where do we go from here
Should give up and never start again
My thoughts bleed together to the point
It is as though they never existed at all
All of this in my mind or
Am I missing my mind in all of this
Chewing on the pieces
Where do we go from here
Should give up and never start again
Everything falls apart so fast
It is as though it wasn’t together at all
Shattered throughout time, missing pieces
Left rooted in the gums
Blood dripping down my chin
Shoveling, swallowing all the broken pieces
Where do we go from here
Should have given up and never started again
Always on my mind, mind is always on

 

They Are

Pitfalls and traps are everywhere I stand
How am I to know which will kill
and which will set me free?
No one is who they say they are
Only who they think they are
Broken and scarred
So fake it makes me sick
A bass line dripping with disdain
A mind full of distortion
I detest everything but somehow
Wake up every morning anyways
My mouth tastes like shit
Getting sick from everything said around me
How am I to know who will kill
and who will set me free?
No one is what they say they are
Only what they think they are
Perfect and beautiful
So confusing it makes me dizzy
A bass drum saturated in disgust
A mind full of dissolution
I discuss everything but somehow
End up sleepless every night anyways
My eyes are full of shit
Getting sick from everyone around me

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A lot to unpack here this week… not really… was only painting a picture of a dystopian existence… the one that exists between my mind and the reality that I walk through every day… I started watching Fargo recently… the television show… not the movie… the movie is lovely… if you haven’t seen it… you should… also the Big Lebowski is a wonderful movie that you should all see or have seen… where was I going with this?… oh… I started watching the first season of Fargo… by that I mean the first episode… pretty good so far… really had nowhere to go with this…

Still reading comics… still listening to an obscene amount of music… just doing the normal stuff I suppose… can’t complain… and I hope you all are feeling the same or better… have a great weekend… see you Sunday for a special project… Hope all is well… 

Ambrose…. (WordPress wants to auto correct my name to Ambrosia… I’m feeling a change coming along…  probably not though… I’m not cool enough to pull a name like that off…) 

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