Glass Eyes and Blood Red Tears…

My mind seems to never go away
Shut the fuck up doesn’t work internally
The silence slices like a gun
Penetrating me form within
Really just isn’t that much fun
One life to live as it rots away
Who knows how much longer
This will last before I know who I am

 

“Describe The Ideal Life”….
One where I am not me…. 

 

I hate myself more than you
Why is it that you are always better?
Because I hate myself more than you
How is it that you can get more done?
Because I hate myself more than you
Who else is as fast as you?
No one which is why
I hate myself more than you

 

“If You Could Live Anyplace In The World – Where Would It Be?”
Japan… South Africa… Maine… as far away from me as possible…

 

 

The world is fated to go up against me
A singular perspective of rape and religion
Words confused but often mean the same
Forever damned without a reason as to when
I’ve given up before, ready to do it again
Another year and I’ll see where I am at
Treading water or wishing I was dead
Give me what you want the world stops for no man

 

“What Do You Think It’s Like After You Die?”
A whole lot like this… smiling and waiting for it to happen again…. 

 

Slipping into a new skin made of barbed wire and sin
If I had known anything would’ve stayed naked and bare
Sliding through nature as though I know
If I knew anything at all be long gone

 

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I recently got another tattoo… it is personal so I won’t share the details… that sounds odd as aren’t all tattoos… but I’ll be as cryptic as I want to be… if all else fail… saving up for my next one… something along the lines of this… 

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Something along these lines… except… black… I don’t want any color tattoos… shocker… the only issue I have with this tattoo… is that I want it on my fore arm… but it might be too big… better suited for my back… which would be cool… except that I couldn’t look at it… and that would suck… also still have to find a way to add some lyrics into it… I’m thinking on the bones… or having the snake not be colored in… instead “color” it in with lyrics… art and ideas are endless… 

If you are wondering… I only have two tattoos… because I am broke… haha… at least that is my excuse… the rest of my ideas for tattoos are up in the air… I have some ideas… but nothing concrete… my real excuse for not getting more… when I was a child I wanted a sleeve of tattoos of Nightmare Before Christmas… then Alice In Wonderland (1951)… also happens to be my favorite Disney movie… then Spirited Away… well really just No Face… 

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But that is a fuck ton of black… haha… No Face is amazing… and so is Spirited Away… I hope you have seen it by now… if not.. please do… I remember being in Japan… when that movie came out… unable to watch it but No Face’s sexy ass every where… in shop windows… on posters in the mall… I couldn’t wait… best wait ever… just wish I didn’t have too… okay… hyping the movie up way too much… back to the story… I have none of these things… and as I grow older… I want them… I want all the things… so much of my time… my life… has been waiting for the right time… a fucking joke… don’t go broke… don’t hurt yourself… but if you want to do something… fucking do it… I’m drunk… I love you… Live the life that you want to live… not hurting anyone?… then fuck it… do it… 

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One Year Ago… From The Heart…

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What a year it has been… a lot has gone down… a lot has been said… a lot of things have changed… I grew a lot in this year… from who I am to closer to who I want to be… I could be a selfish ass and take all the credit… believe me I want to be… but no…

No… all this is thanks to you… yeah you… each and every one of you for reading… liking… commenting… and being who you are… you have all helped me grow as a person… as a writer… as a father… and as a friend… you have all been there for me when I was down… lifted me back up when I needed it…been there for me when I didn’t think I could go on… I could name names… but that wouldn’t be fair… it has been everyone… thank you… from the bottom of my heart… Thank you… 

With my heart filled with joy… here is to another year… a year filled with stories and poetry… broken thoughts and shitty advice… because we all know you are here for the pure enjoyment of words and not for me to kiss your ass… : )

Yeah… I know none of this was dark… but you all bring out the best in me… damn you… 

With all the love a black heart can come up with… thank you…

Layne Ambrose 7/29/18

 

(I’m sure you thought I was going to sell you something… But that is tomorrow… this is today… I think I have links… if I don’t… oh well… I’m just glad you are here today… maybe it is time for a face lift?… speaking of… Great album by Alice In Chains… just saying… best tracks… It Ain’t Like That or Sunshine… but those are deep cuts… We Die Young… great opener… I’ll shut up now… if you promise to listen… )

Staring Like A Junkie

Did This Really Have Meaning

Amount to something
A purpose would do the world some good
Breaking bones to stay with it
Because that’s what really matters
Cramming my body full of shit
Can all it add up to real effort
Does anything ever add up to anything
Don’t think it won’t help anyone
Effect is so different from affection
End up feeling the same all together
Friendly means something other than friend
Fucking reality kicking in, sinking in
Got so few years left in this world
Gloating never got anyone anywhere
Have everything, all I’ll ever need
How could effort mean so little
I think maybe a little too much
Intelligence wasted on the weak
Jokes have so little meaning
Jesters will tell you all the sadness they know
Knowingly knowing no one gives a fuck
Kill the ones that dare
Love those who stand in your way
Like they’d have a purpose if it wasn’t for you
No one gives away anything in this world
Except for our souls without any effort

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I had a whole other poem to go with this one… but there is a lot to unpack here on this one… this one is very personal to me… so let’s go line by line and explain how worthless I am… come take my hand… this will be fun… 

If you didn’t catch right away this was written at and about work… well then you haven’t been paying attention to me now have you?… skipping the first two lines because… well they are pretty obvious with no hidden meaning… a purpose could do us all some good… no argument there… Breaking bones to stay with it, Because that’s what really matters”... these lines are about the time that I got hurt at work… I didn’t break anything, but I did have to sport a hard cast for a few weeks because I sprained my wrist so bad the doctors thought I did break my wrist… got lucky they said… if I had waited any longer I would have ruptured the tendon… funny how lack of sleep… lack of money… lack of self-worth…  will drive you to do stupid things… this one is all on me… of course someone should have been like hey… you can’t work like that… but when you hate yourself more than everyone else… well they’d let you work until you died… because that’s what really matters…

“Friendly means something other than friend”… this one is a twofer… it has to do more with being trapped between two things… Mangers who pretend to be your friend… tell you how great you are killing your self… and the other side of the business where we are selves are supposed to be fake and pretend we like the customers… don’t get me wrong… I don’t hate any customers… or think horrible thoughts about them… even the stupid ass one that ask me if they should eat expired brown meat… because if I did… I would have said yes… under cooked and as much as you can stuff in your face… but I didn’t… I saved a life the other day… maybe more than one… I’m not proud of it… but I am no monster either… In all actually though… when your job is to stay up all night and restock everything… we don’t care about the customer… sure we get it… but one less item to stock… to have hanging over our heads… “Sorry… we are out of personal lubricant”… Big smile… 

“Have everything, all I’ll ever need, How could effort mean so little, I think maybe a little too much“… First line is about how I was born with everything I will ever need… hints how I got so great at my job… the job didn’t give me that… I gave the job that… arrogant… out of touch with who I am… but the truth is the job isn’t us… we are the job… we don’t have to work as hard as we think that we do… but who doesn’t want to be the best they can be?… second line… has to do with money… and the last thought… yes… I was one of the best at that job… and yet I made less than some of the worst people I worked with… because that’s how all this works… currently at my new job in the same company I am having an internal conflict because not only do I know I do more than most people based on numbers and units… I now know how much money we make in a day as a department… the first set of information was crippling… knowing how much money we make off of my ass… well… why don’t you clean up the chicken juice off the shelf…

Won’t go into huge detail but… on most days… even the slow ones… my department makes more than I do all year… in one fucking day… yes… I know there is more to a business… there are costs blah… blah.. blah… there are ten people in my department… I’m dead middle in terms of money earned… there are 365 days in a year… it doesn’t take a genius to see that I’m getting fucked at some point here… well we have to pay… blah… blah.., blah… even if they paid each of us the amount of money we make as a department on our busiest day… Sunday… they’d still have 42 weeks of pure profit… minus all that other blah.. blah.. bull shit… what I’m saying is stop showing the fucking numbers… ” I think maybe a little too much”… pretty obvious at this point… 

“Love those who stand in your way, Like they’d have a purpose if it wasn’t for you”… On the surface this would seem to be about celebrity… and it works for that very much… these lines are actually about those above me… we have such a cult of personality for each of these assholes that lord over us… but why?… most of them can’t even do what we can do… they wouldn’t have a job if it wasn’t for us… in fact if it wasn’t for us… they’d be doing our fucking shitty horrible jobs… so why is it that they think they can treat us like shit… push us to the point that we want to… we hope we lose control going around a corner… we hope the box cutter slips and hits something important… by we I mean me…

I get they are their to flock us all together… lead us to the promise land…  but I can’t stand this whole pushing the strong bullshit… and that is why I am worthless… that is why all my effort is wasted… because I give in and let them do this to me… let them drive me to hurt myself… let them make money off my pain… and quite honestly give away my soul with very little effort… conditioned to suffer… to feel pain… we all wear chains… some we can see… and some that we can’t… “Sorry… we are out of personal lubricant”… Big smile… 

A Child’s Sensabilty

Time for another turn of The Ungame… this weeks question…

 

What Do You Like To Do In Your Spare Time?

 

Things over the last few years have changed as far as spare time for me… Somethings I have always done or been into… the change happened when I no longer saw writing as a hobby or spare time activity… but rather something I wanted to do with my life… up until then though writing is a lot of what I did in my spare time… well it still is… though I don’t see that as spare time anymore… I see writing more as my other job… an issue that may come up in another post… so what do I do with my spare time?…

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Comics… I read a lot of comics… which is to say that I try to… the stack gets taller and taller every month… single issues… graphic novels… they’re all stacked up on my desk… some of the comics that I make sure to read every month are Kill or Be Killed… Evolution… Malefic… Port of Earth… a wide range of comics… I’m not really big into DC and Marvel as much… Batman White Knight has been really good… I’m/ was really into Gwenpool and Spider Gwen… but the one series was canceled and the other is on its last few issues… I am pretty much done with Marvel and DC at this point… the movies are a whole separate thing for me… but as far as comics go… there are just too many things I don’t like about them than I like about them anymore… I’m not sure if that is mostly about getting older or an actual criticism of comics… as a writer, there are always going to be things I think I could have done better… But to me, the last few years of comics from the big two have been mostly pointless… 

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Legos… I used to spend more time playing with Legos… but now I just dabble with them from time to time… this lack of Lego building though is because of money and my daughter… before she was born and even in the first few years, I had them all to myself… now that she has gotten older… well Lego time is mostly me building things for her to destroy… then there is the overall cost… I can mentally justify the cost of the Legos… but not when I’m not really building like I was… 

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Movies and TV shows… I used to watch an ungodly amount of films… I’ve dialed back a lot as I’ve gotten older… in college, I worked at a video store… yeah they used to have those… and my wife worked in a movie theater… I would say that was the peak of my movie watching time… there were a few years there where I saw just about every movie to come out… I used to watch so many movies that I could guess the title and year of the movie by just seeing the first thirty seconds of the film… based on film grade… opening song… and if an actor or actresses name came up?… it was a done deal… yeah I was really bad… now I mostly watch Stand Up Comedy on Netflix… Have you seen the new Tig Notaro special?… I’m also a fan of Bill Burr… Chris Rock… Louis C.K. (the jokes, not the man)… Marc Maron… Ali Wong… and D.L. Hughley… I watch a lot of stand up… 

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And the final thing that I like to do in my spare time is Art… in fact I haven’t been writing that much lately because I have been focusing more on art… Which is why I feel pretty rusty right now… and I am in a super hurry to get things done… for that, I apologize… trying to get all the post done for next week in a day and I am running on zero ideas… need to be more responsible with my spare time… or so it seems… 

 

Getting to Know You Better…

Welcome to week three of The Ungame… This week’s question is throwing back to fun… as opposed to last week’s more serious question… 

 

This week’s question… What Talent Do You Wish You Had?

 

I’m pretty sure Ward and Lemons could guess this answer because we all joke about it all the time…I wish I had any talent for music… I’d play a fucking oboe if I could… I’ve loved music… ever since I was young… long tirade about my love for music can be found here every Sunday… (Lemonade and Glass)… the point is before I started writing… well that’s a lie… I actually started writing first… but I was writing mostly lyrics to songs in my head… by that I mean through my headphones because that is the problem… I don’t hear music in my head… I can play one good beat on the drums.. but honestly, I think we all have a beat that runs through us… it is just that some of us have more than one… that’s me… one beat pony… that wants to be the unicorn with a taped on horn… 

I started by trying to learn the bass… because no parent wants drums in their house… even me… haha… eventually at fifteen I convinced my mother to let me get a drum set… I played… and played… that same god damn beat until even I couldn’t take it…  I would try other beats… but somehow, I just kept playing the same god damn beat over and over again… I’m really good at that beat… around this time I was really into Nine Inch Nails… I like that they used a lot of samples… this appealed to me because I could never find anyone that wanted to make the music I wanted too… even this I couldn’t pull off…

In a lot of ways… I folded a lot of my musical aspirations into writing… Drinking Bleach… is from this whole concept album I had about a band… The Last Great Band… is based on the band I wanted to create… this offensive, genre mashing,  goth, punk, death metal band, and whatever… all of that fell through… turns out you can’t have a band without music… I was always more about the image… the idea… creating the characters in the band… see where I am going with this… took me a long ass time to see that it wasn’t the music I had a talent at… it was everything else… so that’s where I am now… wishing I was a drummer in the last great band… and digging out words buried in my head… 

 

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Can’t wait to hear about your repressed talent… don’t forget to drop a comment… I know it is much easier to just talk to the screen like I do… see you on Friday… for more words I’ve found lying around… 

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It’s A Funny Story… Even If It Isn’t…

Trying something new… Imagine that… I haven’t written anything new outside of poetry and the new story I am working on… Sadly that isn’t for the website… Redoing my next book… well kind of… I had this whole theme I was running through the whole book… I didn’t like it… not the story, but the theme… or the idea… shit happens… so I am overhauling a few things… and none of this matters… 

Recently I have decided that I’m really into boardgame boards… it is for an art project that I have locked in my head… so I went to my local Goodwill… and picked up any that I found interesting… one of them happened to be the Match Game… or so I thought… what I actually got was some came from the 70’s called The Ungame… yeah I had never heard of it either… more about the history of the game here… well the point of the game is to start a conversation or get you talking… the concept is just lame enough that I am in love with it… so at least once a week… I will be posting a question from the game… there are a fuck ton of questions… I will give my answer and then it is your turn… yeah… we are going to play a little game… 

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This Week’s Question

What activity do you engage in that involves all of you: your mind, your body, and your soul?

(Softball question I know… It’s the first week…) The most obvious answer for me is writing… I put everything into this… my books… and my projects… so I’m not going to waste your time telling you something you could have guessed…So I am going to have to go with the thing that takes more of me than writing… My daughter… 

Mind… my daughter tests me every day with her three million questions about the same thing… or when she says… “I show you… I show you”… when she wants me to hear her sing… as I am trying to put out a grill fire… life be damned… stop and look at me… or when I have to hear Twinkle Twinkle Litte Star one more damn time… when all I want to do is listen to my favorite song… 

Body… whether she is digging her tiny little feet into me like I don’t exist… or swinging her arms at me like a crazed mad woman when she doesn’t want to leave the park… making me look like a kidnapper or awful person… or screaming into my ear to the point that it rings… because why not… “You’re so funny”… No, I’m so deaf now… 

Soul… because I would give her mine without a second thought… even if it was to add only one more second to hers.. she is one wild crazy ass child… but every moment with her is worth whatever it cost… I don’t think the meaning of life is to create life… but I do believe that she has become my purpose in this world…

 

Can’t wait to hear your answer to the question… Even if it is writing… what are you working on?… Until it is my turn again… check out my wares at AmazonThreadless… 

 

5 Words I Like and One I Hate… Faggot

Vicarious, kaleidoscope, duality, but, and nihilism. Well, that was easy and now for the one, I don’t.

No one can remember the very first time they hear a word. I thought I did and I was wrong. This was intended to be a one part story, but it quickly turned into a two-part story. One I will have to tell in reverse.  As I was saying no one knows the first time they hear a word, but they can remember when the first time a word impacted them. Faggot is one of those words. The first time I heard it. The first time I felt its impact. I was walking home from school.

I was in the 6th grade so maybe all of twelve or possibly going on thirteen. There I was minding my own business walking home on the side of the road. At the time I lived in this tiny town in Illinois. A farming town not far from St Louis. This has nothing to do with anything. I’m just setting the location of the incident. Don’t be fooled ignorance can be found anywhere on this planet. Walking through the grass on the side of the road when a car of teenagers drove by. One of the assholes screams faggot at the top of their lungs.

The sound of his voice was enough to lock this memory in my brain for a lifetime. At the time I didn’t even know what the word meant. What he meant by it. But I didn’t need to. The word itself was enough for me to know it meant something awful. So vulgar in its delivery. Slammed into my face as though it had anything to do with who I was or what I was doing. I didn’t need to know that it had anything to do with being gay. I didn’t need to know that word’s meaning to know that I never wanted to use it.

Being young, being scared, being confused by this strange and awful word I began to cry. I ran the rest of the way home with tears down my face. My mom recognized something was wrong as soon as I entered the house. She went into to full-on mother mode. “What happened? Are you okay? Who do I need to kill?” It took a moment for me to get it out.  I didn’t want to say it let alone hear it again.

“Some kids in a car called me faggot.”
“Well, are you?”
“No.”
“Then it doesn’t matter. Words don’t have meaning unless you give them one. So some assholes called you a faggot. They are assholes. You gave them the power to let them hurt you. All they were trying to do was hurt you and you let them. People are going to say horrible things. They might even say them about me. Doesn’t matter unless you let it matter.”
I stopped crying.

That’s the thing about words. They don’t really mean anything. Placeholders for a feeling, a thought to cut like a knife. But no one said you had to let them cut you. I carry that message with me every time someone tries to stab me with their vulgar, easy exit words. I hear their bullshit attempts to piss me off and I laugh. I’m the biggest faggot on planet earth. What else you got?

Part 2

Words have a way of haunting you even when you think that they don’t. I said and I thought the first time I heard the word faggot was when those kids drove by. Maybe that was the first time I thought it impacted me as a person, but during the writing, I realized it wasn’t. I thought about just forgetting the whole thing. Thought about pushing it back down like I had for most of my life, but why should I?

Digging deep into the back of my mind. The first time that the word took something away from me was when I was a child. No idea what age I was. I could ask my mom, but we don’t talk about that time of our lives. It was during the reign of my mom’s second husband. The dark times of my life. The times I try to forget, but the memories always come back up. Stories for another time possibly.

As a child, I was really into gymnastics. No idea why, but I was. Maybe I saw it on the Olympics or something. My mom signed me up for classes and away I went. Every Thursday I got to learn something new for my new passion in life. Until one Thursday my mom couldn’t drop me off for my class. So my stepfather had to. Had to take some precious time out of his busy schedule of being an asshole to drop me off. Looking back after all the shit he put us through it doesn’t surprise me what he said when he picked me up and an hour later. “Did the little faggot enjoy his gymnastic class?”

I cried. He hit me like he always did. “Toughen up.” I don’t remember much after that. I know that I didn’t go to any more classes. I know that my mom always wondered why I lost interest in it and I’m sure I wondered, just like I do today, why I didn’t say anything.

 

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If you see something… say something… If something is happening… say something… I know the hardest thing we can do in this world is ask for help… I’ve lived through it myself… My mom got it the worst… I don’t blame her for what happened during that period.. but I do wish she had asked sooner… No one deserves to be abused verbally or physically… it is not normal and it is not okay…

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