Spent Every Last Dime…

Writing from my humid, fart smelling, and spider infested desk has to be the pinnacle of everything in my life right now. Hammering nails into wood would seem almost more productive at this point. Year fucking zero on a life that has yet to begin. I wonder how many more Ghost reference I can push through my brain for no reason at all. Bored with all the time in the word. Sitting still seems like the only thing to do, but I have a mountain of shit I have to do for free. I guess we all bide our time doing something. Broken part of my brain won’t let me just enjoy life. No I have to be working towards something at a glaciers pace on a budget of zero. Maybe today will be the day I drink enough energy drinks and smoke enough cigarettes to kill myself. Unlikely, but maybe the alcohol will slip me into a comma that I don’t give a fuck about what other people think. It won’t, but I need to submit my thoughts none the less. Don’t get me wrong I love to write, but I could do without all the pressure of being liked. I have yet to find any audience that wants to hold me high above their shoulders and chant my name. Nope instead I am sweating my ass off in my garage plotting away a life time’s worth of work.

 It’s hard out here for a pimp. Working away at nothing is exhausting. I know what I would do with all of the attention and it isn’t pretty. But to be honest I fear it all the same. I don’t want to be the center of attention. That is how I have always been. I don’t want to be someone’s hero. I like being the villain and I just want to write. I love it. It is all I do and everything else is something I do to pass the time in between thoughts. Get in line right? Well I already am in line. Been there for a while waiting for my number to be called. Gone through all the stages and been left behind. I can feel my heart growing even more bitter with every day. I’m not there yet, but I can feel it coming around the corner. Digging out the hole in my heart. The more it hurts the closer you get right? Being sober is a long walk to the same exact spot. The more I say the more I want, could use a drink. The depression takes a hold and all I can think is maybe tomorrow. All the time in the world and I don’t want to do anything, but ramble on. Ramble on about my failures in a game that makes no sense.

Nothing handed to you is worth anything at all. Anything worth anything won’t just be found. Stumbled upon maybe, but odds are that it won’t. Digging a four foot grave because six feet seems like too much work. An analogy for my whole life. If only I could change something in my brain. Flip a switch and set all this shit to off. Wake me up when any of it matters and yet I know I’d never flip that switch. All this pain, all this effort, all this waiting has to be worth something. Even if it is worth nothing at all in the scheme of things. Life isn’t about anything other than living, but living is the boring part. The day to day drag of nothing at all. The best moments in life are the ones you don’t know you are living until they have already gone by. Remind myself that this isn’t over, but I know I want more. Feel it in my bones. Rattling around in my head to keep going for a dream that makes no sense. Who the fuck cares what anyone has to say when we don’t? Let alone pay for it? Print is nearly dead and I cling to its dying corpse in hopes that it will pay off. Seems very much like something I would do. Get it from my mother. This optimism that everything will work out if you work hard enough. Where the fuck I get this bitterness I do not know.

Threading the line between optimist and pessimist becomes exhausting over time. A fucking wave of emotions that crashes against the rocks of my brain. Will I or won’t I actually give a shit today? And even if I do will I even do anything with it or just sit and suffer? Living life stuck in between everything else is exhausting. Word of the day. Exhausted and bored with every thought. I could, but why should I? Stuck in between here and there and I just want to be there already. Though I have no idea where there is. Happy? Unlikely. Content? Stop trying to fit yourself into a box. Comfortable? In this skin? Highly unlikely. Fighting for something and swinging at nothing. A circle jerk with no pay off. Lost and lonely, and that is where I am today. Doing nothing at all.

If you click the links maybe some Amazon book magic will happen without you having to buy anything… I don’t know I am stupid and desperate… but if you have a Twitter account… you can click that link… and tell me how much life sucks… or how much I suck… I’m open to interpretation… don’t forget to use the hash tag… #BrokenThought….

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Chewing On Glass… Retrospective… Year 3…

Hope you missed me because I’m back… Year 3… begins today… the format will be different… after last years ass kicker of a schedule… things are changing all around really… still working on my novel… still writing… think I have just been sitting around?… who the fuck do you think I am?… I always have a plate of glass ready to go… hungry as fuck… don’t believe me?…

Still don’t know how to use this website…

That my friends… is the stack… the stack of stuff I have been working on… working through… and the crazy part is that… that isn’t even all of it… I have files on my phone… on my computer… that I still have to print out… I’ve got plans for this year… ideas I want to get out… and unlike last year… I know that I will… little by little I will get it done…

First step in not repeating last year… I changed the schedule to reduce burn out and pressure… besides my whole life going to shit… that was the biggest thing I struggled with last year… burn out plus depression do not mix… because I will just do nothing… and pile on that pressure… not a good combination… for me… or anyone really… so to take that out of the equation and to provide better content in general… I went down to two days of the week… Monday and Thursday… we all have lives that we need to live… I get that now after two years…

I also have decided to do what we just experienced… a break from time to time… there is a reason that your favorite show doesn’t play a new episode every day… or every week… so every three months there will be a two month break… I know I just showed you a stack of shit I have waiting to be read… I know two months seems like forever… but we made it through this last few months… hopefully… so it will be okay…

Which brings me to the next topic I want to rant about… some of that work in the picture is actually my novel and a few other books I have been sitting on for years… don’t expect a flood of shit from me… but I do have some plans coming up… stay tuned for more information… so that is a big reason for the new format… I want to focus more energy on that… or those… or whatever… Because I have decided to give up on finding a publisher…

I’ve been sitting far too long on ideas… books… stories…and thoughts that I want to share… in hopes that one day I will get picked up by a publisher… for better or worse… fuck it… I’m not getting any younger… I don’t want to sit here and hope anymore that doing it the “right” way will lead to something… my heroes… your heroes… didn’t just sit there hoping… they made it happen… that is why they are our heroes… so… if I have to do it all myself… then so be it… worse case they won’t buy any of the books that I published on my own… they aren’t buying them now… getting to a point in my life where win/lose is no longer how it is… it is all just lose from here…

So that is where you come in… well you have always been here… but that is where I need you… buying books… t-shirts… anything is… thank you… but if you really want to help me.. big picture help me… follow me on twitter… leave reviews… tell others… click links…(Working on a few other things as well…) any amount of extra traffic helps… it may seem pointless and useless… but it really does help… and I thank you very much for all the help that you bring to this website… to me…

I know that shit got weird last year… I wanted so much more out of last year… I failed at a lot of things I wanted to accomplish… professionally and personally… it was a hard year… one that I hope I never have to live again… but I thank you for sticking around… for liking… for commenting… for believing in me… it is easy to get caught up in everything… life is a shit storm of events… situations… thoughts… feelings… and I want you to know that I appreciate every second that you have taken out of your busy lives to visit this website… I know I go on selfish rants about my thoughts… feelings… but I think about all of you and all that you do… every day… even if I don’t say it… even when I get caught up in my own shit… I think a lot about each and everyone of you… Thank you…

Welcome to year three…

Layne Ambrose

(Block editing or whatever WordPress is calling this shit still sucks…)

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Broken Thoughts… If I Had A Tail… You’d Never Know…

They say I’m depressed
Enlightened by the idea
They even know me
The loneliness creeps up
Digs deep inside
Have always felt I have been
Left to die
A child’s thought buried inside
How long am I willing to ride this out?

Torn Between… Everything is fine…

My head is finally empty
A feeling I’ve been searching for
Though I don’t understand
Everything seems pointless
Repeated over and over again
Suicide doesn’t seem painless
But really only the next step

A sober thought lost in my mind…

The spiders shall crawl across your skin
From the darkness of you heart
Spinning webs in the empty space
Fading from the structure started
Disappearing in the disappointment
Of a lost idea in my head
Taking a long time to talk this out
So unsure what to say
Too many things killing me
Ignoring everything
Hard to breathe
Too many things getting in the way
Hard to tell
What the hell I’m even saying

Too depressed even for me… Walking it off…

“It has been awhile since we have seen each other. It has been a time since I have been like this. I have to say that I missed this. Missed us in a way that makes no sense.” I bash my head into the bathroom mirror. The image in front of me shatters. Lines of blood across my face and I stare into my cold dead eyes. “You’ve always been so beautiful. The things you do to me. The way you make me feel is unmistakable. You are me and I have always been you. That’s the smile I have missed.” The blood drips from my face, from my teeth, onto the sink, and staring. “They said we shouldn’t be together. I’ll admit I agreed for a time but now that we are back together? As I look into your eyes? Fuck them for ever tearing us apart. Who the fuck are they to decide what we mean to each other? They don’t know what it takes for us to walk this Earth.” I smash my head against the mirror once again. Tiny shards sticking out of my face. “Now let’s go show them what it is you really mean to me.”

That last one was fun… been sitting on that one for a while… no idea where it came from… I was planning for it to be this whole story… but fuck it… new ideas will come… very crazy mix of thoughts in this one… I know I throw words like suicide and death around… like they ain’t shit… need to stress that these are Broken Thoughts… moments that pass… some of them repeat in my head… so I can see why my friends and family worry…

I appreciate it… always have… I don’t use those words for attention… I take them very seriously… they are also only thoughts… feel guilty when I make others worry… because there is nothing to worry about… writing has always been a way for me to get this shit out of me… because that’s how I really feel… suicide and death is shit… there are plenty of things to live for… what else is there really to do?…

Death will come whether we want it to or not… the price we pay for life… so there is no reason to speed it up… there is always a way out… a lesson to be learned… even when you think there is no other way out… you’d be surprised that there is… I have been back against the wall… seen some shit… lived through things I’d never wish on anyone… feet still planted firmly on this earth… didn’t get through any of it alone… things always seem so much worse up close… at times we can feel so alone on this earth… trust me though you are never alone…

If I have learned anything from sharing my thoughts over the past two years… it is that we are never alone… something I think we all need to be reminded of every day… not everyone is your friend… but not everyone is a monster either… protect yourself… but don’t lock yourself away completely… things will get better… sometimes it takes time… sometimes all you have to do is ask… but things get better…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Right Now… And Five Minutes After… Okay Maybe Longer…

On My Desk Right Now

  1. Reciprocating Saw
  2. Mix of ash and saw dust
  3. Stacks of papers
  4. Ash Tray (Don’t smoke…)
  5. Lego building
  6. Pens and pencils
  7. Lemonade (The drink… not the person or Sprite)
  8. Speaker (Playing Feel Good Hit of the Summer by Queens of the Stone Age…)
  9. My head (Wondering… “what the fuck am I even doing?”..)

Answering a text. “Odd because so are we”… Context important only to me.

Looking over the papers. “What do I even want to do?… Write a story?… Broken Thoughts?… a poem or two?… Stare at the screen some more?… Puts head back on desk.

Daughter walks in the room. Screams at me about Ads on her knock off Minecraft game… “Fix it.” Too broke to buy the real thing… she is too young to even know how to use it… or so I think… deflects with… “I’m working”… Feeling like a shitty parent… the feeling will pass… Puts head back on desk.

Picks up lighter. (Seriously don’t smoke…) Lid catches on fire. (Too much fuel in the Zippo… Might be mentally challenged… stressing might…) Closes lid on lighter. Stares at the screen.

Thoughts in my head. I know that they are there… Big ass spider crawls across my desk. (Not Face Hugger Big… but big enough to notice…) “Do I kill it or let it live?”… try to kill it… it is too fast… lost it in the papers… no idea where it went… “Great”… Puts head back on the desk.

More texts. “Did you do what I asked?” No… feel like a shitty husband… the feeling will pass… Respond back. “I’m working”… Stares at the screen.

Instructions. Insert logo image. Insert links. Think of tags. Settle for what you already know. Schedule post. Put head back on the desk and think of something to say. Make something up if you have to.

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Sober writing is for people… who have something to say…

Teeth Into The Concrete…

I have two days… less than that really to write my next story part for… When There’s No More Room… but I really don’t want too… well its not that I don’t want to work on it… I’m just not in the mood to kill anyone… write about killing anyone… or dig deeper into a broken soul… shocker I know…

So I have time to write… what should I write about?… Recently I was told that I should do more stories… I used to do a lot of them… but really there’s only so much shit you can pull out of your ass… there is a limit apparently… I don’t do requests… but I would be lying if the thought to do more stories… wasn’t already on my mind…

More or less… I stopped talking about shit that was happening… mostly because… well for some of the worst reasons… I was going through some shit… I’m sure my recent output hasn’t reflected that in any way… haha… Basically I have been drinking… not fun drinking… no something so much worse… all the reasons I won’t explain… but most of them have been because of myself… I’m not over a lot of them… but I’m over some of them at the moment…

One of the biggest ones… was that I hated myself and I wanted to die… not sure I truly 100% invested in this over bearing thought in my head… but it corrupted me enough each and every day… that I really just didn’t care about anything… work… writing… my family… breathing… it was all so much… that it was easier to just drink myself into oblivion to try and shut the voice off in my head… fun fact… it didn’t… for the most part (saying this sober) it just cranked up the fucking volume… if it wasn’t for my little girl and a few friends … not sure I’d be here… honestly though even a few times that wasn’t enough… I was too drunk to remember why I didn’t do it at those moments…

But I wanted too pretty bad… I remember a time I just sat there… for what seemed like forever… staring at my box cutter… telling myself to not… while also basically telling myself to just do it… that it doesn’t matter… nothing matters… what could it possibly matter?… still don’t have answers for any of those questions… but as a friend of mine said to me recently… “At least we still have our health”… As much as I want to do it… At least I’m still here to do it… one day at a time… about the only thing tethering me to the top of the hole dug in my heart…

That was heavy… when I wasn’t busy… thinking about killing myself… well life was just piling on all the reasons I should… work wanted everything I had… and I had nothing to give… my writing was turning into nothing but rejection email after rejection email… my family… was falling apart… for helpless reasons out of my own control… and all I wanted to do was scream… so I drank… did nothing… and drank some more… solving nothing as it all piled on… honestly a lot of that stuff was already stacked on top of me… and it still is… but the family stuff… well that was… that is… all I’ve ever really cared about…

This is all fun… getting published would be a dream… doing this all day every day… would put a smile on my face… but none of this… none of the shit at work… nothing in this world means as much to me as my family… it is all so trivial in the end… money… fame… acceptance… I have all of that right here… we all have our driving force… our own weakness… and mine happens to be the same thing… Take that way… the whole house of cards called life comes tumbling down… I just didn’t want to get out from under it all…

We all fall down every once in a while… but life is about getting back up… not about the shit that took us to the ground… One day at a time… I don’t do requests… and neither should you… unless you are in a cover band… but for me… make it one more day…

Queens of the Stone Age… Fortress

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Little Fears Is Chewing On Glass…

Or is Chewing On Glass looking at Little Fears?… Either way… we have done it again… Honestly I think this one is pretty good… could be our best collaboration so far… So send some love over to Little Fears aka Peter… and enjoy… (I wrote this before it was out so if you are reading this after 3/3/19… You are just enjoying… Little Fears…)

Okay… now that you have checked it out… you did check it out?… I can talk a little bit about the original project… The piece that you just read… is from a project I have been trying to get off the ground for a while… okay… it was an idea I had that I wrote a two page treatment for and meant to come back to… shit that was probably… seven years ago…

Time fucking flies by… almost two years ago… I offered it to Peter… we are a both a little consumed with our projects… to be honest though… I pitched the comic, Is That A Funeral, to him in our second email… maybe our first correspondence… haha… I was a bit excited to work with him… I’ve been meaning to pitch it to him again… but I left it in the idea bin and kind of forgot about it… then Peter sent me an email about doing another project… hyped… I knew this was the time to actually do it…

In reality though the part of Is That A Funeral that you read is more of a second or third… idea for the project… turns out that the two page treatment was just that… a treatment… so I rewrote the best version I could based on how I wanted it to be seven years ago… hopefully you enjoyed it… I enjoyed working on it with Peter… but he is always a pleasure to work with… so that part wasn’t difficult… and yes… my publishing company is also called Is That A Funeral?… I named the comic after it… seemed fitting…

New logo for Broken Thoughts?… Let me know…

What’s Left Inside of Me

Destroying me
Who am I
Who are you
Kill the life left inside
Meaning has meaning
Pull the soul to the surface
Fucking dead
Kill you
Killing me
Worth it
A lifeless passion
Same thing
Different meaning
Choke the useless
Suffocate who I am
Feel better
I hope
You get what you’ve always wanted
Nothing

So much to say
Stand silent in judgment
Nothing to say
Who am I in defense
If nothing at all
A silent dream
Left in the sun
Left to dry up and die
How could I ever mean what I say
Silent as I die
Screaming inside

Useless you are everything you will ever be
Destroying yourself to understand who you are
Nothing in everything
Locked away mystery, enigmatic puzzle
Nothing all along
A lie I tell myself because I believe

The words mean so much less
Repeated over and over
Repeat a mantra of nothing
Hypocrite
Christ
Objection to the delusion
Faggot
Fuck
Useless
Words with no meaning
Hate myself
A demon
Left behind
Let me die
Destroy everything, that I mean
Meaning less
Hope for better things
Sacrifice for something more
Killing myself to believe
Justify my choices against justification
A right to speak but not a right to say

Dying to know
Who I am
What I could be
Broken
Useless
I am who I’ve always meant to be
All the voices
Don’t mean anything they say
Do it already
Turn the fuck away
Familiar
Lost
Loneliness
Humanity
Moments in time
Thoughts to think about
A life meant for more
Because someone told me so
Standing still, lifeless, dead

Looking for reason
No more reason
Become
Everything you believe
Tired reason to keep on trying
Destroyed
Who am I if I am no one
What am I with
Who am I if I am only you
Worthless
Open to all things
Closed minded with everything to say
Pain
Suffer
More
Chest split open
Skin resting at my knees
Begging for an answer
Give me more
Enough to know
What I’ve already known
Let me become the one
The one that knows more
The chosen one on the cross of society
To be hated is to be loved
To be the villain is to be the hero
Justifying all your actions, all your work
Praying to a higher power
Prying back the truth
Inserting myself into the history
A tall tale to tell
Have faith
Have faith in me
Trust me for who I’ve always been
Nothing

Before we get into how weird or awful… what ever the fuck this was… let’s a dress the fact that the block editor sucks… Does anyone like it?… Is it really better than what we had before?… yes this post is late… but none of you know my new schedule… so that didn’t need to be said… but oddly enough I feel I should be honest with you…

I’ve been sitting on this long ass piece since June… I rewrote some of it since that night… fixed parts in the last year… I’m posting it because I just want to get it out of my head and out of my sight before I make it worse than it already is… So why post such a thing Layne??… because it seemed relevant to me today… What the hell is it even about??… it is about everything and nothing… what I hope comes across… is that it is about everything that fires in my brain… at any given time… as I write… as I speak… as I think… it is constant… well for the most part… sometimes I really think of nothing at all…

Sometimes… for a split second of my day… I don’t hear everyone telling me I’m not good enough… I don’t imagine everyone hating me… I don’t see everyone looking down on me as if I am nothing… and by everyone I mean me… depression is shit… a conscience… is everything and nothing… much like this poem… or collection of words… whatever the fuck you want to call it… it isn’t perfect… but it is constant… I’m amazed I get anything in life done… If you know what I mean… you know what I mean… if not we envy you… 

Good luck… I’m sure I’ll be late again next week… but good news… last I checked I’m the one running this shit into the ground… smiles… : ) : ) : )

Threadless… Amazon… Twitter…

Fuck block format… and whatever the fuck else they did… God… am I really getting this old?…