Broken Thoughts… Crashing Ships In The Night…

A bloody feeling touching finger tips
Hints of a reason
Scene of the crime
A broken heart with no life
Stabbing pains in my side
What has it been
Days, weeks, months
I don’t care
The thought only grows
A sick feeling inside my head
If only I could I know that I would
Desperation and a fucked up feeling
Tell me one more time
So I can remember
Slipping through the cracks
Concrete floor never felt so soft
Until they left me bleeding on the floor
Death rattle shaking
A cold wave washes over everything

Scratching at the surface only to dig deeper

Bleeding under the stars
Isn’t any different than not
Feelings become lost
In so much shit
Said I cared when I didn’t
Said I didn’t when I did
I’m a confused asshole
What do you want me to say
When no one believes me any way
Rats will rule this world
Becomes okay, is ok
Past tense so subversive
Predictable predictions on how this would be
I missed the boat, yeah that’s me
Digging a grave at sea

One for the money… Two for the turn around and go home…

Worn down after the years of abuse
The teeth tell a story
Buried in the concrete
Age not in the thought
But in the heart
Taking what is left
Buried upon the surface
Paint the blood on your skin
Drying along the scars
A map of your abuse
Screaming obscenities
Words that remind me of you
What it means
I don’t know
What it does
I don’t know
How it feels
How it ever was
Drowning in the thoughts
Pouring out of the skin
Pressure releasing all the lies
Tell me one more time
How you’d like to watch me die

Someone is always better

Slipping down a path made of sin
The piss feels like rain from here
Choking to keep throwing up
It isn’t hell if it is home
It isn’t hell if it is all you know
Jamming it down my throat to see how it feels
Stuck, shifting gears into another thought
The mud isn’t dirt but shit
Drowning in a sea of all of this
Asked for forgiveness but only wanted a reason
Thought I was full of nothing
Come to find out I just have too much to say
The lines blend together when you line them up
Broken threads in a stream of consciousness
It isn’t hell if it feels like home
It isn’t hell if it is all that I want to know
Fucking useless conclusion
A feeling I lost looking into the abyss
Staring into nothing along
A deep dark hole made of deceit
Love the feeling even if it only brings need

“All you ever do is write.” “Correction… all I want to do is write… there is a difference…” That didn’t go over so well… so I’m off to spend time with my family… Black Yoshi going to paint ever track with your blood… game on ladies… : )

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

When There Is No More Room… Part 4…

Finding Peace in the Darkness

Scratching the walls with my nails. I want more. Another day or another night. I can’t resist the temptation of the kill. They said it would go away. It hasn’t. They said over time things would become normal. They haven’t. Everything they said never came true. Staring into the darkness around my bed. Dancing figures in my head. I want to kill now more than ever. Drinking a little bit more and think about something else. The thought won’t go away. What’s the difference if I do it for my country or for myself? Pacing again. Over and over with no place to go. I see them all outside my window. Staring back at me. Waiting. Always waiting. Becoming something more than myself. Twenty kills, thirty kills, they took more of me than I could ever give away. I can give it back. I know how. Ten inches made of steel. Sharped to a point. Carve them up. Take piece by piece until nothing is left. They will never know. Scatter the pieces. Too hard to find. Too hard to prove. The feelings will subside then. Take what I’m owed. I have all the reason to do what I want. Earned my place amongst them. What’s the difference?

Scratching at the walls with my knife. I know the reason but I can’t bring myself to the cause. I’m not weak. I’m not too weak to do what I need to do. Fuck you, I’m not scared. I can do it. I know I can because I have. Over there I did whatever they told me. What needed to be done. Their eyes burned into my mind. Life slowly draining. The relief of living another day surging inside of me. I am safe. I don’t need to do this. There is no reason to kill again. The power is fleeting. Underrated as they laugh. I hear them laughing. Look at the hero with nothing. In the shadows I watch. Pissing it all away. No more wars to fight. No more battles to be won. Cutting out their tongues.  Their eyes looking back at me. Like before. Before when no one laughed. Everything is so meaning less standing in place. I need a purpose. I know my purpose. I have no purpose. Take the blade to myself. End this suffering. Take away this pain digging in my head. No, I am not weak. I am not weak.

She scratches at the walls with her nails. They never did this before. Always fought back. Not the same. Fight me I shout at her. Nothing, weak, useless she cries. Kick her in the side again. One life to live. This is how you choose to leave it. Knife pressed against her throat. Noises and no words. Aren’t they all the same? Weak. Take her apart piece by piece. Going to need rope. She won’t sit still. Won’t fight. Barely a struggle. Just the tip. Let her know how it feels. Should have gotten a male. Spit in her face. Drag the tip across her skin. Arm swings. That’s what I need. Give me more I whisper into her ear. She shakes in fear. Hand around her throat. Enough playing. Go for the kill. My brain explodes. She goes quiet. Hacking away more and more. Take everything spread it around. Wear her blood on my skin. A war paint I don’t want to erase. Do you feel that? How does it feel? It went away. A calm wave washing over me. Peace at last. Peace at last.

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Taking It For A Test Ride… Part 2

Welcome to Taking It For a Test Ride Part 2… (Temporary title… I’ll come up with something more ridicules later…)… Part 1 can be found here… (Link)… or you could just look at yesterday’s post… not judging your laziness… Pretty sure I’m going to forget to even add the link… Hell I was on the fence on whether or not I would even do this post… So lets jump into it before I wander off into the woods and find something shiny or something dead to play with… 

 

Movie Review 2

Hotel Artemis

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Spoilers Ahead

 

Where to begin with this shit show… Yet another film I have watched recently where the actors are amazing… the world built is fascinating… and yet none of it really matters… Personally I’m pretty sure someone watched John Wick and said, “Hey, I can do that.”… Well as it turns out they couldn’t… John Wick wasn’t and isn’t perfect… what that film is though is original for the most part… Don’t get me wrong… this film doesn’t just rip the face off of John Wick and then spread it out evenly between a collection of characters…

Okay… maybe it does a little bit… A lot of this film is spent showing how this world’s Los Angeles is and what it has become… a gangster ridden shit box without any water… basically people are pissed… and if anyone knows the history of LA… when they get pissed shit goes down… None of which is really that important to our characters because… well they are bad ass killers, thieves, assholes, and all around menaces to society… so people having or not having water… people rioting in the streets for their right to clean water… don’t mean shit to these miscreants… What it does mean though… for you as the viewer… is that all of this will be taking place in… you guessed it… Hotel Artemis

Honestly not a bad setup to why we can’t go outside… Problem being… I feel like the real issues… what we should really be concerned with is outside of the hotel for assholes… But that could probably be because the world… our world is really heading that way… then again fuck’em… water isn’t a basic human right… it’s not like we need it to survive… so lets spend the next 94 minutes figuring out what the fuck these assholes are up too…

They aren’t up to much… because the Hotel Artemis isn’t really a hotel… It is more of a criminal hospital… with lots of rules… rules that must be followed… or you die… do you understand?… Good… because we are going to break most of them… even a really big… maybe the most important one… Don’t let a cop into the den of deceit… and for no real reason at all we fucking do it… well there is a reason… this wasn’t really all that poorly written… but they really did follow the method of… “Oh, this would be really awesome”… “Shit I’m in a hole”… “How do I get out of this?”… “Oh, this would be really awesome”… wash… rinse… and repeat… But they did it pretty well until they couldn’t… and that my friends is called the end…

I got side tracked there… point is they attempted to build a world that was pretty interesting… they tried to build a place where all of these cool characters could come together… and they barely pulled it off… I wouldn’t say it was a complete waste of my time… afterwards maybe… only because I had the same thought the creator did right after seeing John Wick… “Hey, I can do that.”… but then laziness kicked in… said ah fuck it… and added my ideas to the ever-growing pile of shit I like to call my notes… 

Enough with the negatives… let’s get ankles deep in the positives about this film… The makeup on Jodie Foster was impressive… to the point where I was like there is no fucking way she is that old… turns out she isn’t… great job there… Sterling K. Brown did an amazing job… though a lot of this I feel was just his overall nature of being cool, calm, and a collected bad ass… he is also the main character and in an interesting twist one of the most informed characters about this world…

(For the non-writers… usually the main character has no idea what the fuck is going on… because they are you… the audience… there for we are experiencing this story together for the first time… learning, growing, and expanding our horizons beyond what we thought was or could be… “You mean to tell me I am a Wizard and that there is a whole Wizarding world I didn’t know existed?. Please tell me more.”… that’s at least a year’s worth of college… you’re welcome… Also yes, you are Harry Potter… and that is why if you actually read the books… you too have come to the conclusion that the movies suck… because they aren’t like you or the ways you imagined that world to be… and if you thought they were awesome?… stop lying to yourself… they were shit cash grabs…) 

Back to where I was… Brown does a great job… Not as great as he does on American Crime Story… but great none the less… Charlie Day also does a great job… only because for once he isn’t playing himself in a comedy role… rather he is playing himself in a “dramatic” one… this may sound like an insult… or that I am shitting on him in some way… but actually I am not… massive Charlie Day fan… would watch him in anything.. and I have… and I have enjoyed all of his performances… Always Sunny For Life… As far as everyone else… they were all interesting… they were all awesome… as someone who is really into movies and wasting their life on this crap… I always love when someone I recognize pops up… “Oh shit, they are in this”… comes up a lot when I watch movies and I love that… 

Overall Score

Hard fucking pass… another case of this trailer is awesome… what else is out there?… If you find this on Netflix… someone else paid for it… or you just got sick of burning your money and thought, “Hey, I don’t actually have to light it on fire all the time to have the same effect” … Then I say check it out… There are things to like… but not enough to love…

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I’m pretty sure anyone who was asking for a sequel to Marry Poppins is either dead or dying… what is this the 60’s?… This film is about five decades too late…

There are actually people out there who could use the money…and the help… Instead of blowing it on the making of this film… I’ve got a sequel for you… Mary Pippins Actually Helps Somebody… it’s a documentary… throw in some songs about scoring crack under a bridge called… This Medicine Don’t Go Down So Smooth… everybody has a great time… it’s a family film… a feel good film about how shitty the world is… we laugh… we cry… we wait five decades and see the actual impact of our kindness… I even have the tagline… “Who the fuck is Mary Poppins?”… it could be amazing… 

Laughing In the Face of Darkness

There is a story I’m always trying to tell
It doesn’t have a beginning, middle, but it does have an end
It is long, some might say endless
A story I can never seem to get straight
Give it all I got, in the end, it never makes any sense
Wish you could see my thoughts as they see me
My hopes and dream is that maybe one day
You can feel what it is like to be me
Bleed thoughts onto the page, inhale words to live another day
If only it was all for something
Wonder if I would have more to say
Living life in reverse is no way to live
Search for the middle without anywhere to begin
Another day wasted, I’m wasting away
How much more of this shit am I willing to take
Standing still, standing right here as I always have
Had no other options so what choice did I have
Feel as though I have said this all before
Staring Into the Screen
Hollowed out valley, acting as a megaphone
What’s the best way to get banned from Twitter?
Saying how you really feel even if for a second
Don’t be silly, popularity has always counted
Being an asshole has always been second nature
To getting to the top
All of this has rules, follow them if you want to be
Left behind, mixed signals waving me in
Always at home waiting for me
A coffin built, paid off in blood
No one builds anything just with their hands, any more
Sandcastle made out of ashes, inhale, exhale
The poison doing its work
Have more in common than I thought
Excessive and over the limit
I present you with the evidence
The answer to the question

Don’t give a fuck about the flowers
Don’t give a fuck about the bees
Don’t give a fuck about you
And I definitely don’t give a fuck about me

I’m just fucking with you all
Silly girls shouldn’t play with guns
Broken hearts are for your children
The ones left dead in the dumpsters
Too sick to get the rest out of my head
What was it I was beginning to say
Something about wishing you away
These thoughts they come and go
Though they always seem to stay in place
Big boys don’t cry they tear your heart out
Broken psyches are pointless after forty-five

Bathed in blood I could use a hug
From the person, I used to be

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You’d think after two hundred of these things… I would have something to just cut and paste… or copy and paste if you’re nasty… or if you are like me… too lazy to hit backspace… feeling at odds with myself… not lost… not standing in place… only going with the random thoughts in my head… This post didn’t end where I thought it would… satisfied none the less… turning the lights on and off… haunted with the madness coursing through my veins… sometimes it works… and sometimes it doesn’t… I guess that’s the point of going off the deep in… 

AmazonThreadless… if you don’t already know… these are the places I house my soul… 

Lemonade and Glass: It’s Been A Minute…

First Post From Some Point In Time…

Calypso by Spiderbait (Lemons)

Okay… I am starting to see a trend in what makes me like songs…

The mix of sweet and then rock in this song just shoots straight through to my goth, glitter-encrusted heart.

This Aussie band is the tits. Most of their songs are so different, if you didn’t know, you wouldn’t think they were the same fucking band…

They are a real dot point of my teenage years. 90s angst and pastel prettiness and grunge dribbling through the cracks. That is why this is here. Nineties represent!

I car scream the shit out of this song… But I think my fav is the first time the rock punches through your speakers. “Outside. All around me. Really sleazy. Then it hits me. … Don’t tell me. You can’t see. What it means to me. Me me…”

Yeah!

An Ado to No One by The Smashing Pumpkins (Glass)

I love the title right out the gate… It could be the title of my autobiography… that or… Who the Fuck Wrote This?… or Could I Get A Fucking Minute?… I’m not the biggest Pumpkins fan… I forgot I even added this song to the playlist… that is how far behind I am on this project… the music on Pumpkin tracks is almost always amazing… In all honesty, I have no problem with any of their music or lyrics but, there is only so much of Billy Corgan’s voice I can take… haha… “Destroy the mind, destroy the body, but you can not destroy the heart”… “I don’t need your love to disconnect”…

Emerald by The Tea Party (Lemons)

Let’s take it down a notch after all the pop-punk and slide right into some nice warm tea… party? Bad joke? Soz.

I can’t tell if I genuinely love this song because it is a good song or if it is just all the feels of sentimentality. The first time I heard this song was on a mix tape made for me by first real BF. He made me listen to it before I could take it home, rewinding it to just the right part. Stop start stop start… lol… goodness me…

It has this 80s-movie/Labyrinth-soundtrack kinda vibe to it that just tickles my nostalgia bone.

The Tea Party are my Moby Dick.

They are one of my fav bands but I have never really seen them live… something always happens to foil my plans. I say “really” because technically I saw part of their set at a festival. I missed most of the set and the rest of the set was drowned out by my oncoming sunstroke. And no, I was not drunk… I have a very strict, no alcohol at concerts rule. WTF is the point of paying money to have a hazy, drunken memory if being trapped in a moshpit… fuck all that. Plus, I do not understand why all the good festivals in Aus are put on in the Summer??? 

Back to the song, Lemons…

I always had this image (from back when I was 13) that this song was about a rescue. A woman in a bad situation and her knight in shining armor coming to take her away from all the bad things. “Just be still my emerald. I’ll be waiting for you. Do exactly what you’re told. I’ll be waiting for you” This chorus is also my car scream, coupled with “Did you always want to be. Did they try to steal your soul? Did they hurt you with deceit? Can’t you come in from the cold? Be still my emerald. I’ll be waiting for you.”

Ghost Head by O’Death (Glass)

This is a newer track that I am obsessed with… “That’s what my bloody hands said”… I love the horror style lyrics… the dark folk music… and the singer’s voice… it reminds me of Neil Young…. “That’s what my bloody hands said”… this is a track I normally listen to as I walk into work… as I prepare my mind and body for the bullshit that it be going through for the next few hours… “Go like the ghost head, Go like the ghost head”…. I walk through the building… look at each sad sunken face… wonder why it is that I show up to this place every day?… Ready to run and here I am… that’s what the track reminds me of… someone ready to run from a murder or their life… Ready to go anywhere but this place…  

(Lol I totes read it all… smiling… you’re funny.)

So What by Metallica (Lemons)

If you don’t like vulgarity … then you wouldn’t be reading our blogs lmfao … but seriously, this song is drenched in vulgarity. 

I went through a massive Metallica phase. Like… huge. I’m talking, paid to be in their fan club, had posters on the walls when I was an adult… I was convinced I would one day leave my partner at the time to go marry James Hetfield. Like… obsession, obsession.

I grew out of the idea of marry Mr. Hetfield but not out of my love for Metallica. I may not have posters on my walls anymore, but I still listen to them a lot.

This is the song I skip as quickly as possible if my kids are in the car… It is the song that I turn up when they are not in the car. I put the windows down to for maximum offense. So, take this as a warning…

Well, Everybody is Fucking in a U.F.O. by Rob Zombie (Glass)

What can I say about Rob Zombie?… Hellbilly Deluxe was one of the first albums that I asked for… fuck I was 11… I started early into music… Before that, I was listening to a lot of Prodigy and Nirvana… still, do… I saw the video for Dragula and fell head over heels… Rob Zombie videos were my first introduction to B films and horror films… and I could watch them… This track isn’t from that album… it is from his latest album and I picked this track because it is the best song he has had in years… It reminds me of old Rob Zombie but it still sounds new… “I’m going to get my twenty bucks and vacation in Japan”… My favorite Rob Zombie track is actually a White Zombie track More Human Than a Human… The Blade Runner reference is… is the best… I enjoy Zombie’s lyrics because he is a human blender… taking things from here and here and this is how I feel… it works… for me at least…  

 

This was well past due… I’m out of excuses for living… work wants my soul and I’m more than willing to give it up… parting with things has always been easy for me… more so if I don’t care… going to try to work harder at getting these out… a lie but I’m trying damn it… usually, I wouldn’t give a fuck, but I feel bad because it isn’t just me working on this… if it wasn’t for Lemons I would probably abandon the whole thing and be lazy… so big thanks to Lemons… for putting up with me… and being the driving force for me to get off my ass… even if I am late on everything… haha… 

Bahahahahahahaha, Layney, you are totes adorbs. The truth of the truth is we both have major life shit happening. We ALL have major life shit happening and doing creative things like this both difficult and necessary. We need an outlet and music is the perfect outlet. Hopefully, we will get better at bringing these out. Mr. Glass is not to blame. We are both a little shitty at getting our arses into gear, which is why it is good because we can understand each other, and I am sure all you peeps understand as well.

KISSES!

 

5 Words I Like and One I Hate… Faggot

Vicarious, kaleidoscope, duality, but, and nihilism. Well, that was easy and now for the one, I don’t.

No one can remember the very first time they hear a word. I thought I did and I was wrong. This was intended to be a one part story, but it quickly turned into a two-part story. One I will have to tell in reverse.  As I was saying no one knows the first time they hear a word, but they can remember when the first time a word impacted them. Faggot is one of those words. The first time I heard it. The first time I felt its impact. I was walking home from school.

I was in the 6th grade so maybe all of twelve or possibly going on thirteen. There I was minding my own business walking home on the side of the road. At the time I lived in this tiny town in Illinois. A farming town not far from St Louis. This has nothing to do with anything. I’m just setting the location of the incident. Don’t be fooled ignorance can be found anywhere on this planet. Walking through the grass on the side of the road when a car of teenagers drove by. One of the assholes screams faggot at the top of their lungs.

The sound of his voice was enough to lock this memory in my brain for a lifetime. At the time I didn’t even know what the word meant. What he meant by it. But I didn’t need to. The word itself was enough for me to know it meant something awful. So vulgar in its delivery. Slammed into my face as though it had anything to do with who I was or what I was doing. I didn’t need to know that it had anything to do with being gay. I didn’t need to know that word’s meaning to know that I never wanted to use it.

Being young, being scared, being confused by this strange and awful word I began to cry. I ran the rest of the way home with tears down my face. My mom recognized something was wrong as soon as I entered the house. She went into to full-on mother mode. “What happened? Are you okay? Who do I need to kill?” It took a moment for me to get it out.  I didn’t want to say it let alone hear it again.

“Some kids in a car called me faggot.”
“Well, are you?”
“No.”
“Then it doesn’t matter. Words don’t have meaning unless you give them one. So some assholes called you a faggot. They are assholes. You gave them the power to let them hurt you. All they were trying to do was hurt you and you let them. People are going to say horrible things. They might even say them about me. Doesn’t matter unless you let it matter.”
I stopped crying.

That’s the thing about words. They don’t really mean anything. Placeholders for a feeling, a thought to cut like a knife. But no one said you had to let them cut you. I carry that message with me every time someone tries to stab me with their vulgar, easy exit words. I hear their bullshit attempts to piss me off and I laugh. I’m the biggest faggot on planet earth. What else you got?

Part 2

Words have a way of haunting you even when you think that they don’t. I said and I thought the first time I heard the word faggot was when those kids drove by. Maybe that was the first time I thought it impacted me as a person, but during the writing, I realized it wasn’t. I thought about just forgetting the whole thing. Thought about pushing it back down like I had for most of my life, but why should I?

Digging deep into the back of my mind. The first time that the word took something away from me was when I was a child. No idea what age I was. I could ask my mom, but we don’t talk about that time of our lives. It was during the reign of my mom’s second husband. The dark times of my life. The times I try to forget, but the memories always come back up. Stories for another time possibly.

As a child, I was really into gymnastics. No idea why, but I was. Maybe I saw it on the Olympics or something. My mom signed me up for classes and away I went. Every Thursday I got to learn something new for my new passion in life. Until one Thursday my mom couldn’t drop me off for my class. So my stepfather had to. Had to take some precious time out of his busy schedule of being an asshole to drop me off. Looking back after all the shit he put us through it doesn’t surprise me what he said when he picked me up and an hour later. “Did the little faggot enjoy his gymnastic class?”

I cried. He hit me like he always did. “Toughen up.” I don’t remember much after that. I know that I didn’t go to any more classes. I know that my mom always wondered why I lost interest in it and I’m sure I wondered, just like I do today, why I didn’t say anything.

 

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If you see something… say something… If something is happening… say something… I know the hardest thing we can do in this world is ask for help… I’ve lived through it myself… My mom got it the worst… I don’t blame her for what happened during that period.. but I do wish she had asked sooner… No one deserves to be abused verbally or physically… it is not normal and it is not okay…

Get Help 

Broken Thoughts- Forgive Me

I’m addicted to the drama
I’m addicted to the pain
I’m addicted to this feeling that won’t go away
I like to watch you suffer
Something wrong with me
Something has broken I can’t fix
I’m addicted to the way
I’m addicted to the same
I’m addicted to these feeling that won’t go away
Pushing myself to this point
Driving home all these emotions
A nail into my brain
Failed lobotomy
Failed excuse to start over
Because I’m so addicted to you and me
I’m addicted to the way this feels
Over and over
An eternity with everything to say
Without saying a thing
Lost and in the way

Go fuck yourself with the thoughts
An addiction to being a dick
A worthless state of flaccidness
Pointless organ good for nothing
Asshole, vagina, you’re such a cunt
Mouth so precious, teeth designed to grind
Chewing me up only to spit me out
What was the point all along?
A loneliness that stabs at my heart
Dick in hand as if to say look at me
A puzzle put together with confusion
A haste that only God could dictate
Blind to all things that drive me insane
Always at war with your ignorance
A battle that can’t be won
A war from all sides of my brain
Drinking to ease the pain of a war torn existence
Drunk to understand the thing I’ve become
My inhibitions are limited to my needs
Broken and you’ve left me for dead
Shattered and it never mattered
Empathy is for the weak
At the knees, the world has taken me
The world was done with me
What has this place done to me?

Peeling back the skin, digging deeper into me
The layers come apart so easily
A shell of who I used to be
A husk of who I think I am
An asshole with too much shit to say
Ripping apart the flesh, digging deeper into me
The skin so fragile
A fucked up part of me
Fucked from the beginning
Left me grinning and scattered
So apart from what I want to be
Losing every part of me
Who am I without my needs?
A constant theme I can’t escape
Starting to think it is only me
Please forgive me
I know not what I do
I know not what I say
I know not what excuses I’ve used today

Broken Thoughts about nothing at all… another day down as I live out what I have left… A constant theme devoid of all tranquility… can’t seem to shut it off today… Okay, it is the drinking… haven’t been drinking for the last few weeks… Been feeling too dizzy to process much of anything… No idea what happened there, but I’m back to normal mostly… the feeling comes and then it goes… a new function to my life I suppose… don’t worry because I don’t… 

Merch

 

Don’t forget to leave a review about how much you loved or hate it… Honestly at this point… a go fuck yourself would put a smile on my face…