Chewing On Glass Presents… This Is Love… (Vulgar)…

So many years ago

“So there I was just minding my own business and guess who comes stumbling out of The Room?” I ask my friend Sam. “Could be anyone in this town,” he jokes. “Fair enough, but why would I care if anyone just came out of a bar?” I ask. “Are you still obsessing over her? She didn’t want your ass in high school and she still doesn’t want you now,” he informs me while avoiding using her name. I pretend to not hear him, “Obsessed is a strong word I think. I hardly think that I am obsessed with her.” Sam takes a bite out of his sandwich his dirty hands gripping the plastic that surrounds it. “So, you are saying that if you did have a chance to talk to her you wouldn’t take it?” I ask him. “I didn’t say that, but then again when am I known for taking a chance?” Sam asks me before going back to his sandwich. “Well guess what I did?” I ask with pride and a smile across my face. He shrugs barely listening to me at this point. “We are going to go out later this week,” I inform him. He looks shocked as he continues to chew. Swallowing hard before he speaks, “You know about Becky right?” He gives me a look that only a best friend could understand. “Of course I know about Becky,” I assure him. He rolls his eyes, “Okay, because I don’t want to have to be the one that tells you I told you so. You’re an adult and you can make your own mistakes.” He pops the rest of the sandwich in his mouth. The plastic is now pressed right up to his face. “An adult? Right maybe when I get back from college. Maybe then I will be an adult,” I joke to him. He places the empty plastic into his lunch box. “Hurry up we need this grave dug up before we can go home,” he says to me. “What’s the rush? It’s not like we didn’t already do all the work up to this point,” I ask him. He ignores me and places my shovel next to me as he heads for his shovel. Four more hours until this work day is done anyway. Shit work but it is better than nothing I think to myself. In the fall I will be gone and I won’t have to do this shit anymore. Waited too long to move on I think to myself.

There is a lot of time to think with a job like this. A lot of time to go over everything, obsess about everything going on or not going on in your life. A whole lot of time to dream and that’s about it. Dig the hole, body goes in, dug another hole, and another body goes in. Pretty simple, nothing to it, and I hate every moment of it. Sam’s dad owns the business. Owns most or runs any of the business in this town that have to deal with death. Makes life for Sam easier and being my best friend it makes my life easier too. I should have started school last year, but that “easy” life rubbed off on me a little too hard. Sam doesn’t have dreams. Well not about taking over the family business and since I am like a brother to Sam I am the next best thing. Go to school get my degree and come back to take over. That’s the plan Sam should be on, but I am more than happy to take the ticket he didn’t want. Honest work for an honest living I suppose. “We could have done a better job,” He says to me as we move the last of the earth. “She was old Sam. Old people die all the time,” I assure him. “If you let them,” he says disappointed to me. “We tried something different and it didn’t work. Now who is obsessing?” I ask him. “It just didn’t feel the same without a purpose,” he says looking to the sky. “Well next time we will make it really count. There is always a learning curve with these type of things,” I say to him. “I suppose you are right about that. At least there’s no chance of anyone knowing,” he proclaims. “No one is going to see the connection, but you do have a point about purpose. We can do this. It isn’t hard, but without effort or purpose then what are we really doing?” I ask. “We are just doing it to do it at that point,” he says. “Exactly and that’s not what I want to do. Next time we make it count. No point of thinking about what can’t be undone,” I say. “We can only get better with practice. Want to go see if we can get a drink at The Room?” He asks. “Of course,” I smile. “Maybe I can get a jump on my date if she is there.” He rolls his eyes and we pack up our stuff.

The week goes as it will always go until the end of time except for today. Today is the day that I finally get my chance. I finally get my chance at the one that got away. Well that is to say that anything ever happened in the first place. She may have pretended I didn’t exist for most of my actually life. She may have spent all her time paying attention to all those other assholes in high school, but tonight she is paying attention to me. Need to treat her right. Treat her like a lady. Show her she is worth more than all the rumors that have been spread about her. She just needs to meet the right person. It is so easy in this small town to get swept up into the wrong crowd. “You got this. You are the one she needs,” I say into the bathroom mirror. We are meeting up at the town diner, maybe go out to the next town over to see a film, and then maybe a little time at make out lane. That’s the plan at least. Take it easy, nice and slow. Show her what she is worth. I head to the dinner in my father’s truck. A rust bucket of an embarrassment, but it runs. Shotguns proudly displayed in the back window as though any moment is a good moment to get a deer. I can’t wait to get out of this town, go to school, and make something of myself. Even if I am only escaping for a moment and not forever. Try not to sound so desperate. You sound like a desperate asshole. Confidence, focus, focus on the positive, and it will reflect. The thoughts of high school, the thoughts of childhood seep back in. All the times everyone took their turn tormenting me. I was always something. Too short, too fat, too smart, and they were always willing to make sure I remembered. Those days have come and gone I tell myself. I arrive at the diner and get us a booth. Becky shows up late to our date.

“Sorry, I almost forgot we were doing this,” she smiles at me. “Yeah, me too,” I try to joke with confidence. She lights up a cigarette. “So just dinner and then what are you going to do?” She asks. I swallow all my insecurities the best I can, “Well I was thinking we could drive over to Selma and see a movie. Just the two of us?” I ask or try to say. Confidence I remind myself. “Yeah that wasn’t part of the deal,” she says to me. “Well no, but I was thinking,” I start. “You seem to be doing a lot of that, but that wasn’t the deal. You said “I can take you home if you go out to dinner with me”. So here I am. We can eat and then we go our separate ways,” she reminds me. “I remember what I said, but I was thinking. I thought why not make a night of it. We never got to talk much in high school,” I start to over explain. “Did you think this was a date?” She asks me. “Well kind of. I mean not a date, date, but maybe it could have been. I mean I’ve never really asked someone out before,” I mumble into nothing. She puts out her cigarette in the ashtray, “Yeah, it shows. Look I’m not trying to come off as a bitch, but we made a deal for a ride home. I was desperate so I said okay. I don’t even know you and honestly right now I’m not in a place in my life where I want to get to know anyone. So, I am fine with eating and going our separate ways. But beyond that I am going to have to say no,” she lays out. “Well I thought maybe we would talk and then maybe then,” I begin yet again. “I don’t think you are quite getting this. You seem like a nice guy. A little odd, but for the most part you seem to be nice. I’m sure you are. A little advice though. When you make a deal for someone to buy you dinner for a ride home. When you do that it’s not the best idea to see if then they want to go out on a date. If you wanted to go out on a date than you should have just asked me out on a date,” she says. “I mean I would have. I should have, but things were a bit off and weird that night. I was going to pay for the food. I didn’t actually expect you to have to pay for your food,” I say disjointed. “Maybe it is my fault. Look if I had known this was supposed to be a date I would have declined. I was desperate and I needed a ride home. You presented the deal and I was fine with it. Dinner for a ride. That was it. Maybe this was a mistake. No, this was. Look I’m sorry,” she gets up and grabs her purse. “Sam it was really kind of you to give me a ride home the other night, but that is all that it was,” she walks away and the bell on the diner door rings. It rings as though it is the only sound in all of the world. “My names not Sam,” I mumble to myself.

Naturally I call Sam from the diner and naturally I go over to his place and explain everything. Naturally he wants to say I told you so and like a good friend he doesn’t. “So, are you done obsessing over her now?” He asks me. “I wasn’t obsessing over her,” I tell him. “You can lie to yourself man, but you can’t lie to me. You’ve never been able too. I knew something was weird the other day. I was just hoping I was wrong,” he says disappointed. “Whatever it went as well as I could have hoped,” I try to play off. “Don’t do that,” Sam tells me. “Do what?” I ask. “Try to play it off. It was shitty. She is a shitty person. She always has been and will always be. Granted you did maybe mix up your intentions. But even a blind man could see you were asking her out on a date,” he reassures me. “Thank you, that’s all I wanted was some validation. I tried Sam. Told myself to be confident, to act confident, and I crumbled like I always do,” I tell him. “She really thought you were me?” he asks. “Honestly that was the worst part. I thought getting turned down made me feel like shit, but when she called me you it was like a knife to the heart,” I confess. “Well you are still breathing so, I hardly think it was anything like a knife to the heart. If there is one thing either of us know it is what that is truly like,” Sam jokes. “Very funny,” I say back to him unimpressed. “Looks lets go get a drink or two and forget about this whole shitty night,” Sam suggests. “I guess that’s about all there is ever to do around here,” I say frustrated. “Oh, cheer up we could always go to the movies in Selma,” he antagonizes.

We head over to The Room to do the only thing there is to do in this town, forget. The Room is packed with people as it always is. Sam and I walk to the bar to order our drinks, and I see her at the other end. Surrounded by men. “Don’t even look at her,” he says to me.  She picks up her shot off the bar as the men around her watch. They all cheer as she finishes it off before taking a drink from their own drinks. “Maybe this wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had,” Sam says. “No, its fine,” I say as the bartender hands us our drinks. “Another, another,” the other side of the bar chants and the bartender walks away from us. Sam and I take our drinks to a table at the far end of The Room. We don’t say much as we sip our drinks. He sits there drinking while I sit there staring at the scene across from us. People walk by and maybe Sam speaks to me, but all I notices in a room full of people is her. Her taking drink after drink. She deserves someone better. Someone like me. Not those assholes she surrounds herself with. Not the ones that will only use her and throw her way. She deserves someone who will worship her like I do. We get more drinks and I watch some more. “What do you want to do?” Sam asks me and my eyes never leave her. “I want to destroy each and every one of them,” I say without thinking. “I’m sure you do and I can’t say that I don’t want to help you, but we both know that will solve nothing,” he says to me. “Sure, it would. Take away the distractions and there will be nothing left,” I say in a low tone. “You need to get your shit together man. We aren’t going to fuck up a good thing because you can’t keep your head straight. Surely not going to do it for her,” Sam says. “Then what do you suggest all mighty one? What is it that we should do?” I ask. “We take out the problem,” he says as if that is the only answer. “Is that not what I suggested?” I ask turning my attention to him and away from her. “No, you suggested adding to the problem. You are planning to make this worse. When you should be planning to make this better. Have faith in me and we can make this all better,” he says to me. I sit in silence as I stare into his eyes. Looking away only to notice her preparing to leave. I watch as she stumbles out of the bar with two men closely on her heels.

Sam watches as intently as I do until the three have left The Room. “I don’t know about you, but I notice a pattern,” Sam says to me. “That I will never be good enough for her?” I ask. “If anything you are too good for her, but no. What I have noticed from all the times we have been watching her leave is that if you get enough drinks in her she will leave with anyone,” he says slyly. I look into his eyes. “Notice how disappointed the others are.” I look over to the men she left behind. “The one on the left doesn’t seem too happy. I imagine he looks a lot like you did when she turned you down,” he says. “So?” I ask. “My guess would be that he was the plans she had for later. She was who he was meeting after dinner with you,” he expresses. “I could see that I guess,” I take another drink. “So one could infer that she doesn’t always leave with the one that she came with,” Sam points out. “If this is some sort of pep talk about how she is a whore I don’t need that right now,” I tell him. “I imagine that you don’t. If you could move past your own obsession then maybe you could see what I am trying to tell you is all that you need to know to get what you want. What we both want,” he says. “What is it that we could both want out of her?” I ask. “I know that you are hurt or broken or whatever, but now is not the time to play stupid,” Sam finishes off his drink. “Well it is a little late to do anything about it now. She already left with those other two guys. I’m sure she is panties down and knee deep in cock right now. Are you suggesting we take them all out or something else?” I ask. “Neither, all I am suggesting is that if we want to get even. That would be our in.,” he says. “Wait until she is completely drunk?” I ask. “Precisely,” he raises his empty glass in the air and the server signals that she will bring another. “Swoop in and take what it is that we deserve,” Sam says to me. “We?” I ask. “She isn’t on the list,” I say to him. “No, she isn’t is she. But maybe she will fulfill our purpose none the less. Question is how do we get away with it?” He asks me. “I’m sure you will come up with something,” I say to him.

These things take time. Revenge, takes time. Too soon and it becomes too obvious. Too long and it all sinks into oblivion. The right balance Sam would say. A mixture of time and effort. Others were caught because they didn’t think it through. Spent too little time forming a plan. They were sloppy. Checks and balances. We keep each other in line and we never lose sight of the purpose. They want us to be nothing so we became nothing. Background noise for their lives. It is what we do in the shadows that proves who we really are. The plan was simple. Less complicated then the last. “Just like Mike we make it look like something else. Stage it to be something else. Who doesn’t hate themselves? Who doesn’t have thoughts of taking all the pain away?” It all seems so simple even if it is not. Nothing can be overlooked. Anticipate that everything and anything will be. Checks and balances. Use what we have. Bring only what was needed. The plan was easy enough, but nothing ever goes as planned.

“You seem like you could use some help,” I say to her as she stumbles out of the bathroom. “Don’t you always seem to show up when I need someone the most,” she slurs as she stops to talk to me. “You are looking like you had one too many,” I say to her. She puts her arms around my shoulders more for stability than anything else. “You may be right about that. Might be making some stupid decisions once again. You ever make any stupid decisions Sam?” She asks me through blurry eyes. “I can think of one or two I might have made in my life,” I tell her. She stares into my eyes trying to figure out who I am. “Let me take you home. It is the least I can do,” I say to her. No deals this time. A simple suggesting this time around. “I think maybe I’d like that,” she says confused. Looking around The Room everyone is too caught up in their own lives to notice just like we had hoped. No one notices Becky and I as we make our way out of the bar. I guide her to the truck as she goes on about how wonderful I am. I try to keep my composure as I get her in the truck. My hand brushes against her breasts as I put the seat belt on her. “You think you want to try something?” She asked threw slurred words before giving me a kiss on the lips. It should have been everything I imagined it to be. The stale taste of old alcohol left on my lips. If I had known it would have been this easy could all of this had been avoided?

Closing the door of the truck I take one last look around. No one insight. No one to notice that she left with me. I hop into the driver’s side and turn the engine. “So where do you live again?” I ask knowing that it doesn’t matter. Her hand falls into my lap as I make the turn out of the parking lot. “Is that really where you want to take me?” She asks as she rubs the inside of my leg. I can’t help but get excited. Finally finding her way to my excitement, “Guess it’s not.” She rubs her hand over my jeans getting me even more excited. “Didn’t think it would be,” she slurs. I drive on out of town. I look at the clock and realize I am ahead of schedule. “There may be some time to work something out,” I say to her. “Oh, there is always time to work something out”, she jokes.  I keep her talking to keep her awake. Before turning off into an unmarked road not far from the state park. “You got a secret spot I don’t know about?” She jokes. “I might know a secret or too,” I tell her. “I like a good secret,” she says before taking her hand off of me. Driving slowly through the woods I try to not get more excited as she undoes her seat belt. She starts to take off her clothes starting with her shirt, “Hurry up and take me to this secret spot because I want to fuck you already.” She slips off her bra exposing her breast and I try not to wreck the truck. Working her way out of her jeans I slow the truck down to a stop in front of the planned spot. “Well if you want any part of this you better come and get it,” she shouts before jumping out of the truck in her underwear. I turn the truck off as she stands nearly naked in the truck head lights. Stands there wanting me. Wanting something even if she doesn’t know who it is from I remind myself.

I grab a few things from behind the truck seats and get out to join her. She runs up to me as her breasts jiggle with each step. She slams them into me as she runs into me. She giggles as she wraps her arms around me and gives me a kiss. We kiss as I lead her backwards away from the truck.  I drop what is in my hands hard onto the grass and take her into my arms. She works her hands down to the opening of my pants. “You know what I was thinking?” She asks between kisses. “What?” I ask between the same. “Why aren’t you fucking me yet,” she says as she frees my cock. She falls towards the ground taking me with her. We make out some more in the grass as I take her panties off. She lays beneath me with her legs spread. I look down at all of her bathed in the headlights of the truck. This is all I ever wanted I think to myself. “I don’t have a condom,” I say to her. She works the rest of my pants down off my waist, “Just stick it in already Sam.” I want to say my name is not Sam. Let her know, but then I remember Sam will be here any minute. Sam would not approve of this. This wasn’t part of the plan. I shove myself deep inside her. Over and over, and with each thrust she cries out. She demands more and more. I grip her ass with both hands and give her one last final thrust before I finish. I can feel everything leave my body, my mind until the only thing left is the thought. This is love. She opens her eyes. “Is that all you got? I thought you said you were going to fuck me? What was that like two second?” she rants. My penis slides out of her as she continues to complaint. Reality comes flooding back in with each one of her insults. “See this is why no one bothered with your loser ass in high school,” she spews out. My anger builds, my frustration comes flooding back in. I want to scream as I put my hand around her throat. “Oh, so you do got more left in you?” She questions through gritted teeth. “Give it to me then you pussy. Is that what you need? For me to insult your bitch ass,” she berates me. I reach for one of the things I brought. I reach for a part of the plan. Anticipate that you will always forget something. I shove the barrel of the shot gun deep inside of her. “That does seemed to be exactly what you need you,” I squeeze her throat stopping her from saying anything else. I reach around for the trigger of the shotgun. All I can feel is what is left of the barrel sticking out of her. I release my hand from her throat and slide my body back away from her. “That’s what I’m fucking talking about. Now fuck me with that rock hard cock,” she shouts. I pull the trigger and watch everything unfold in slow motion. I watch as her face turns and her words cease to exist. I watch as her inside get pushed out from within. I smell nothing but burning flesh and shit, and my dick becomes harder than it could ever get.

“What the fuck have you done?” Sam shouts at me with a noose in his hands. I let go of the trigger and rise to my feet. My shirt is covered in blood and my pants around my ankles. “Put that fucking thing away,” Sam shouts at me. Confused I realize he is talking about my dick. “This was not part of the plan,” he continues to shout while I pull my pants up. I needed more time I think as my penis pushes against my pants. “You stupid, obsessed dumb fuck. You had to fuck her didn’t you? You had to go and fuck this up? The plan was to hang her and watch her die. Make it look like she couldn’t take anymore,” Sam raves. “Doesn’t look like she can take much more than what I gave her,” I try to joke. “Shut the fuck up,” Sam says in a slow manner, “Shut the fuck up.” He begins to pace throwing his hand around. “Let me think. Just let me think,” he says over and over. I stand there silently looking over her body. Looking at what it was that I had just done. “Did you cum in her?” he asks. “Did you?” he asks in rapid succession. I reach down and pull the shot gun out. Bits of flesh still left on the barrel, “I don’t think it matters anymore.” Sam lets out a noise best described as a huff, “Doesn’t matter? Doesn’t matter? DNA asshole have you heard of it? When they find her naked body what do you think they are going to look for first?” Sam rants with his whole body. “Good luck finding it,” I declare pointing the shotgun at her destroyed corpse. “You know for the smart one. You are pretty fucking stupid,” Sam shouts at me. “It’s destroyed. Whatever I put inside her is long gone now,” I declare. Sam makes a face, “Or maybe it is splashed all against her chest and face, and any other place that shotgun sent the rest of her.” He shakes his head. “We don’t know anything. They have to look for her first and find her. Animals I don’t know, but anything left could be long gone before it even matters,” I try to reason. The stress building up in his face Sam rubs his face hard as he tries to calm down, “We clean up as much as we can without making it look like we cleaned anything up and we will be fine. We bleach the shot gun and burn your clothes. We should be fine. But if you ever.” He pauses dramatically, “If you ever go against the plan again I will kill you.” The real Sam comes out and we get to work. Checks and balances don’t always work, but they are there for a reason I suppose.

If you didn’t read Let The Good Times Roll… It can be found in Broken Thoughts Vol. 1 Between Me and You… Priced to sale at only $4… But that’s not all to find in this Volume… With a blend of poetry… thoughts… and stories… it is very much something different… something to read while you wait for Volume 2 to release…

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Chewing On Glass Presents… Let the Good Times Roll… (Vulgar)

Let the Good Times Roll

“Holy shit look at these faggots all sitting around doing nothing,” a once familiar voice shouts from across the bar. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” I say under my breath. My friends Sam and Brian can’t believe it either. We smile and give him a proper hello once he finally makes his way over to us. One that doesn’t involve hate speech or unrequested insults. He stands there in front of us. Staring us down. Taking us in, I guess? “Thought you weren’t ever coming back here?” I ask after having enough of the silence. It is obvious that I am going to have to lead this train wreck from here on in. Of course the one voted most likely to lead nothing has to take charge. “Didn’t think I would ever come back to this shit show or see you sad fucks, but here I am,” he smiles like any one of us really care. Does he not really feel the awkwardness of it all right now? I look at my other two friends. Been friends for as long as I can remember. Too long for them to not see that I’m signaling them to say anything. Instead they each take another sip from their beers. “Why?” I blurt out. “If you don’t mind me asking,” I interject quickly.  He doesn’t miss a beat. “Came to see what you guys were up to. Came to see what’s been happening since I left,” he looks around The Room in disgust. In all fairness we all look at The Room like that. I mean the damn bar is called The Room. But it is The Room how dare he look in disgust at our bar. “You really came all the way out here to see us?” Brain finally questions. About fucking time, Jesus. “Well I mean I wasn’t setting out to come back here. I was driving through on my way to Pittsburgh and I thought what the hell one night in this shit hole won’t kill me,” he jokes. There is no main road from here to Pittsburgh I want to question, but it’s not like not questioning his lie is going to kill me. I take a drink from my beer. “Shit man, wasn’t even thinking. Do you want a drink?” I ask him. “Yeah, I’d love one,” he stares at me. Why the fuck did I open my mouth? Brian still seems very confused by the whole Pittsburgh exchange, which is fair considering he has been drinking since noon. I order him a beer. The same as the rest of us. “How did you find us?” Sam asks. Even with my back turned to them, to him I can already see his dumb fucking face spilling out all the words. Five minutes and it is already high school all over again. No one missed this asshole for even a second. “This crap shoot of a town only has one bar. Wasn’t too hard to locate the three biggest losers around,” he answers. Sam and Brian give a half assed laugh. The bartender hands me his beer and gives me a look that says I’ve heard every word he has said about my place and I don’t like it. I try to give him a look that reciprocates his displeasure. I turn and hand him the drink. “Took long enough,” the arrogant fuck says. One night, a few hours tops, and then we should never have to see him again.

He takes a drink from his beer. The first of many. “So what have you fucks been up too?” You all marry the town sluts and pop out a few worthless people yet?” He half jokes and half means. “You haven’t changed much over the years,” I say before finishing my beer. “What has it been? Something like eight years?” I ask before ordering another one. “I think so. Something like that,” Brain says. “None of us are married or have children,” Sam adds. Stressing children. “We’ve all been just working or going to school. Robert just got back from Harvard yesterday. It’s crazy really that you just showed up today because we are actually here to celebrate his return,” Sam continues. I nod my head. “No fucking shit? You went to Harvard? And to think I thought your dumb country ass was still digging holes for the dead,” he says. Thanks, it was a lot of work,” I say. “What did you go for?” He questions as though I am lying. “Pathology, but majored mostly in the forensic side of it. Got a job here in town. Coroner’s assistant. Nothing too exciting,” I say. “Nothing too exciting?” Brain shouts drunkenly. “Now we can hide the bodies,” he whispers jokingly.  I give off a smile, “Totally.”  This sets off another awkward silence amongst us. It was already a little weird and then he showed up. Again I have to take the lead. “What have you been up to Nick? You were always the one who was going to get out of this town and do something with yourself.” I ask with little actual intention of listening. Scanning the bar it seems rather empty for a Friday night. He doesn’t answer right away. We all haven’t been up to much, but his inability to brag about himself right now seems odd. “You know this and that. Nothing like Harvard or anything like that. But who wants to talk about the past? We are living now,” he finally says before taking another drink. “Well why were you heading to Pittsburgh?” Brain asks barely able to lift his head up off the bar. He should be almost done by this point. It is interesting how much like our parents we try to not be. Seems almost as if we are trying to outrun a shadow only to embrace it. “Remember that time you fell out of that tree and broke your arm?” Nick deflects at me.

“Yeah, I do. I didn’t fall though. You pushed me for being scared,” I say rubbing the scars along my right arm. “Had to learn to write left handed for months,” I say in aggravation. “That’s not how I remember it. I thought you were writing left handed because you wanted to try something new,” he tries to play off. “Yeah, because I wanted to be made fun of for writing like a “retard” or so our classmates used to tease me,” I reflect. “I remember that,” Sam adds. “They picked on you pretty bad for that. Didn’t you break it again after that fight with? What was his name? Steven or Scott or something,” Brain chimes in out of nowhere. “Mike, fat mike they used to call him,” I say. “He beat the fuck out of you. What happened to that obese mother fucker?” Nick asks. “He killed himself not long after you left. Shot gun blast to the face. He didn’t die right away, but in the end he passed. My dad said it was gruesome. Said even though he was dying he kept trying to say something. Some people believe it wasn’t a suicide,” Sam says in solace. “You look empty Nick,” I say as I pass him another beer. He catches it as it slides across the bar top. I raise my drink and pretend to take another drink. “It is sad really all the stuff the people here have gone through. The hard times and the good. Life here is always filled with so much tragedy,” I say. We all take another drink in silence. “Remember Becky?” I ask the group. “Oh I remember Becky,” Brain says a little too loudly. “Wasn’t she that big chested whore that was a grade or two above us?” Nick asks. “I remember Becky,” Sam says staring at his bottle, “That’s when the murders started.”

“Murders?” Nick asks in genuine shocked. “Probably a year after you left. People around town started to disappear. It was one of the reasons I got the fuck out of here,” I say. “I don’t ever remember hearing anything about any murders,” Nick says in confusion. “I suppose you won’t. There aren’t many people here in town willing to talk about them,” Sam says. “You really disconnected when you left for the city Nick,” I add. “I guess I really did. So what happened to Becky?” Nick asks. Sam looks over to me and then to Brain. I’m not volunteering to lead this one I think. “It was pretty messed up,” Sam begins. “She was never one to date anyone good for her and she had a reputation of dating more than one man at a time,” Sam continues. “Because she was a whore. Don’t waste time telling me what I already know,” Nick interrupts. “Right,” Sam says rolling his eyes and taking a drink. “Any way one night Becky doesn’t come home. Her parents don’t think much about. She goes out a lot, she is an adult, and what are you going to do? Typical missing person story. After about three days though they began to get very worried. No word and no sightings. Would scare anyone in this town. So they go to the police and they set out looking for her. It took a few days, but eventually they found her. Dead in the woods. Deep in the woods not too far from the state park on some private land. I guess she used to go out there to get busy,” Sam takes a long breath and an even longer drink. “That’s it?” Nick asks. “They just found her in the woods dead?” Nick takes another drink. “Of course that wasn’t it. At the time though they just thought it was a lover’s fight gone wrong. A fucked up one, but an isolated incident. My dad was the medical examiner for that case too. Told me they found her dead from a shot gun wound,” Sam says. “Just like Mike and no one thought that might be connected?” Nick interrupts. “This is the sticks Nick. We don’t get a whole lot of murders and let’s not forget the fact that we all have shotguns. Hell I’m driving my dad’s truck and there are two in there right now,” I say. “Not to mention she didn’t die from a shotgun blast to the head like Mike,” Brain again says out of nowhere. “No, someone had taken the barrel of the shotgun and stuck it right up her. Right up her vagina and pulled the trigger,” Sam says in near silence. “Finally found a load she couldn’t handle,” Nick says off handed. I try not to laugh as I pretend to take another drink.

The night goes on. Drink after drink. Nick gets drunker and so does Sam. We talk for hours creating an alibi. People in this town don’t ask too many questions I think. Sam calls in a ride for him and Brain. I offer Nick a ride home. Where ever that might be. “How are you still sober?” He asks me in a drunken slur. “College taught me more than just what was in the books,” I play off. Loading Nick in my truck took more care than I was willing to give. Nearly crushed his arm when I slammed the door shut. The weather turned cold at some point. The seasons are changing I think as I look at his car sitting there in the parking lot. “Freezing balls here asshole turn on the god damn heater,” He shouts from within the truck. I open the driver’s door and climb in, “It takes a second to warm up.” He tries to talk to me in small talk but most of it comes out in inaudible slurs. “Your parents still live up on Oak Street?” I ask knowing his answer doesn’t matter. His distorted speech starts again and then stops. I look to see if he is sleeping. Wide awake he appears to have something on his mind and is trying really hard to say whatever it might be. We pass street light after street light until there aren’t anymore. The road turns dark. Flashes of trees from the head lights. “Robert can I ask you something?” He finally says clear as day. ‘Of course,” I say curious. “In high school didn’t you try to date Becky?” he poses the question as though he knows it is fact and yet very confused at the same time. “As a matter of fact I did,” I say as a matter of fact. We pass more and more trees until I start to slow down not too far outside of the state park. Pulling into an odd clear space between the trees. A trail I found so many years ago. I wanted nothing more than to get away. Same as every kid I assume, but time has a way of drawing you home. Even wasted Nick begins to question what is happening. “I’d love to say that our story ended there. Becky and I. Well to be completely honest I’m a little more than proud our story didn’t end there. See part of that story you heard tonight was true. A lover’s fight gone horribly wrong, but one would have to say that we were lovers to really claim such a thing. I didn’t love Becky. I resent her for what she did. For what they all did really. Everyone who has ever scorned me,” I pause. “I think here is a good place to drop me off,” Nick fights to get out of his mouth. Pulling the handle of the door over and over to no avail. “Yeah, that is broken. Maybe I should have mentioned that. My father has been busy you know. Getting older and what not. And no good friend just leaves someone lost in the woods so unfortunately for you here is not a good place to stop. But I know a really good place. Trust me,” I smile. We keep driving through the woods slowly as I try to remember the exact path. “Where was I? Yes, Becky the big titted whore. She broke my god damn heart. Almost like how you broke my arm. She pushed me beyond my limits. I will admit that I had every intention of killing her that night. Shotgun blast right to the head just like Mike, but then things got weird,” I say. I turn my head to look into Nick’s scared eyes, “Things always get weird. Nothing goes as it was planned.” I turn my head back to the makeshift road.

“It wasn’t my plan to kill you tonight. That was a serendipitous occurrence. To be completely honest, and I feel that we can be after all these years. I planned to start my return off with Brian. Then you appeared. It almost makes me believe there is a God up there looking out for me. Then again if they were so concerned with me to take the time. I think they wouldn’t have let you and all those assholes walk all over me. It always seems though that things get weird whenever it is time so, I am always torn. Becky is a prime example. I didn’t want to shove a shotgun barrel up her cunt. It was supposed to be so much simpler than that. But being the whore that she was. It didn’t take much for her to slip off those clothes. Took even less effort to take my cock out. Apparently all it took for her was the right location.” I bring the truck to a stop in the middle of the woods. “I can’t move,” Nick says to me. “The sedative I gave you seems to have that effect. But enough about you,” I say reaching behind the seat of the truck to grab the shotgun. “No, Becky liked dick. She liked it a lot. Lost my virginity and then some that night. Which was kind of a problem. That much evidence just sitting up in there. What was I supposed to do? Blow her fucking head off and let her leak all the evidence all over the place? I might not be the brightest person, but I’m not stupid. Do you know what she said as I slid the barrel into her pussy?” His mouth moves, but no words come out. “I learned way too much in college to not explain,” I joke. “As I slid the barrel deep into her pussy Becky couldn’t help but get turned on. She said to me with her eyes closed, “How can you still be so fucking hard? Fuck me again with that rock hard cock.” So I did. Pulled that trigger and watched her die. Her tits all covered in blood and bouncing. The smell of her flesh cooking against the sides of the barrel. Left nothing but a bloody hole in the center of her mass. If I had to say so myself. She never looked better. Fought every urge to pull that barrel out and fuck her one last time. Could you imagine? My dick pumping away at her and coming out the other side. The juxtaposition of such a thing? If I had one regret in life. That would have to be it.”

I get out and pull the release handle on the driver’s side door and hop out of the truck. Nick sits there paralyzed as I walk around to his side of the vehicle. Body pressed against the door. He falls hard onto the hard ground as I open the door. I hear something crack against the ground. “Opps,” I say before laughing. “I’m sure your head is ringing from that fall, but even in all of that you have to remember like I do. What you said to me that day you pushed me out of the tree. Opps. Opps? You were supposed to be my fucking friend you worthless piece of shit,” I scream into the night. The words echo, but there is no one besides us around to hear them. “I remember so much about our childhood Nick. You really shouldn’t have come home. But I’m so glad that you did. Saved me the hassle of finding your good for nothing ass later.” I grab him by the back of the shirt and drag his ass to the front of the truck the head lights lighting our way. Dropping him with another thud on the ground. I begin to strip him naked. “I just want you to know I won’t enjoy this part of it, but we have to make it look like it should. The dumbass police need to know who this kill belongs too. Same as before. They need to know. The people of this town need to know that I have returned. They need to know that things have started once again,” I say into his ear. He still can’t talk which disappoints me, but his tears are more than enough to make up for it. His tears shine in the light from the headlights. Slow streams of moving water. Life is like that. A slow constant stream of moving water. Sometimes there are rough waters, sometimes the stream moves quicker than you’d like, and sometimes it almost appears as though the stream has stopped forever. But we all know the stream must keep going as long as it exists. I shove the cold hard barrel of the shotgun up his ass. “However this part I will always enjoy,” I say into his ear. Gripping his bare shoulder as I thrust the barrel deep inside him. “Opps, hope I didn’t tear anything too vital,” I laugh. He tries to scream but the pain is so horrendous he can’t seem to make any noise. I pull the trigger of the shotgun filling the cold dead silence of the night with a shattering boom. A crater blows out the back of Nick like one bad shit gone wrong. Images of Becky dance within my skull. Not nearly as beautiful, but enough to satisfy the demon in me. What’s left of Nick burns and sizzles on the barrel of the gun as I pull it out.

“Took you long enough,” Sam’s voice comes from behind me. “Sorry, if this is one kill that I felt the need to enjoy,” I say to him. He throws me a towel and I wipe the blood from my face. “We are going to have to find a different place for Brain,” he informs me. “No one is going to look for him out here,” I tell him as I kick the body next to me. “No, no one is going to look for some asshole that doesn’t live here anymore that is true, but we can’t just drag another victim into this mess,” He says. “No one’s going to be looking for his asshole anymore because it literally doesn’t exist. Oh wait, I think I see a little left on the barrel,” I joke. “Shut the fuck up and listen,” Sam says sternly to me. “Do you want to fuck this up? All this work? All this time?” He shouts at me. A rage builds up in me, “No.” We stare each other down and I think of all the ways I could end him here and now the shotgun still very much in my hand. “Know your place,” he finally says to me. “We are partners in this not enemies. Let’s not fuck this up after all this time,” he says to me in a calm voice. I can still feel the adrenaline and blood pounding against my skull, but I know that he is right. I need to calm down. It is the murder effect. He is not my enemy they are. Each and every one of them that ever laughed at me, tortured me, or held me down. Those that held us down. Sam is my friend I think to myself. Sam has always been my friend I repeat to myself. I take a deep breath to calm down and exhale loudly to break the tension between us. “So what do we do next then?”

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Broken Thoughts… Crashing Ships In The Night…

A bloody feeling touching finger tips
Hints of a reason
Scene of the crime
A broken heart with no life
Stabbing pains in my side
What has it been
Days, weeks, months
I don’t care
The thought only grows
A sick feeling inside my head
If only I could I know that I would
Desperation and a fucked up feeling
Tell me one more time
So I can remember
Slipping through the cracks
Concrete floor never felt so soft
Until they left me bleeding on the floor
Death rattle shaking
A cold wave washes over everything

Scratching at the surface only to dig deeper

Bleeding under the stars
Isn’t any different than not
Feelings become lost
In so much shit
Said I cared when I didn’t
Said I didn’t when I did
I’m a confused asshole
What do you want me to say
When no one believes me any way
Rats will rule this world
Becomes okay, is ok
Past tense so subversive
Predictable predictions on how this would be
I missed the boat, yeah that’s me
Digging a grave at sea

One for the money… Two for the turn around and go home…

Worn down after the years of abuse
The teeth tell a story
Buried in the concrete
Age not in the thought
But in the heart
Taking what is left
Buried upon the surface
Paint the blood on your skin
Drying along the scars
A map of your abuse
Screaming obscenities
Words that remind me of you
What it means
I don’t know
What it does
I don’t know
How it feels
How it ever was
Drowning in the thoughts
Pouring out of the skin
Pressure releasing all the lies
Tell me one more time
How you’d like to watch me die

Someone is always better

Slipping down a path made of sin
The piss feels like rain from here
Choking to keep throwing up
It isn’t hell if it is home
It isn’t hell if it is all you know
Jamming it down my throat to see how it feels
Stuck, shifting gears into another thought
The mud isn’t dirt but shit
Drowning in a sea of all of this
Asked for forgiveness but only wanted a reason
Thought I was full of nothing
Come to find out I just have too much to say
The lines blend together when you line them up
Broken threads in a stream of consciousness
It isn’t hell if it feels like home
It isn’t hell if it is all that I want to know
Fucking useless conclusion
A feeling I lost looking into the abyss
Staring into nothing along
A deep dark hole made of deceit
Love the feeling even if it only brings need

“All you ever do is write.” “Correction… all I want to do is write… there is a difference…” That didn’t go over so well… so I’m off to spend time with my family… Black Yoshi going to paint ever track with your blood… game on ladies… : )

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

When There Is No More Room… Part 4…

Finding Peace in the Darkness

Scratching the walls with my nails. I want more. Another day or another night. I can’t resist the temptation of the kill. They said it would go away. It hasn’t. They said over time things would become normal. They haven’t. Everything they said never came true. Staring into the darkness around my bed. Dancing figures in my head. I want to kill now more than ever. Drinking a little bit more and think about something else. The thought won’t go away. What’s the difference if I do it for my country or for myself? Pacing again. Over and over with no place to go. I see them all outside my window. Staring back at me. Waiting. Always waiting. Becoming something more than myself. Twenty kills, thirty kills, they took more of me than I could ever give away. I can give it back. I know how. Ten inches made of steel. Sharped to a point. Carve them up. Take piece by piece until nothing is left. They will never know. Scatter the pieces. Too hard to find. Too hard to prove. The feelings will subside then. Take what I’m owed. I have all the reason to do what I want. Earned my place amongst them. What’s the difference?

Scratching at the walls with my knife. I know the reason but I can’t bring myself to the cause. I’m not weak. I’m not too weak to do what I need to do. Fuck you, I’m not scared. I can do it. I know I can because I have. Over there I did whatever they told me. What needed to be done. Their eyes burned into my mind. Life slowly draining. The relief of living another day surging inside of me. I am safe. I don’t need to do this. There is no reason to kill again. The power is fleeting. Underrated as they laugh. I hear them laughing. Look at the hero with nothing. In the shadows I watch. Pissing it all away. No more wars to fight. No more battles to be won. Cutting out their tongues.  Their eyes looking back at me. Like before. Before when no one laughed. Everything is so meaning less standing in place. I need a purpose. I know my purpose. I have no purpose. Take the blade to myself. End this suffering. Take away this pain digging in my head. No, I am not weak. I am not weak.

She scratches at the walls with her nails. They never did this before. Always fought back. Not the same. Fight me I shout at her. Nothing, weak, useless she cries. Kick her in the side again. One life to live. This is how you choose to leave it. Knife pressed against her throat. Noises and no words. Aren’t they all the same? Weak. Take her apart piece by piece. Going to need rope. She won’t sit still. Won’t fight. Barely a struggle. Just the tip. Let her know how it feels. Should have gotten a male. Spit in her face. Drag the tip across her skin. Arm swings. That’s what I need. Give me more I whisper into her ear. She shakes in fear. Hand around her throat. Enough playing. Go for the kill. My brain explodes. She goes quiet. Hacking away more and more. Take everything spread it around. Wear her blood on my skin. A war paint I don’t want to erase. Do you feel that? How does it feel? It went away. A calm wave washing over me. Peace at last. Peace at last.

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Taking It For A Test Ride… Part 2

Welcome to Taking It For a Test Ride Part 2… (Temporary title… I’ll come up with something more ridicules later…)… Part 1 can be found here… (Link)… or you could just look at yesterday’s post… not judging your laziness… Pretty sure I’m going to forget to even add the link… Hell I was on the fence on whether or not I would even do this post… So lets jump into it before I wander off into the woods and find something shiny or something dead to play with… 

 

Movie Review 2

Hotel Artemis

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Spoilers Ahead

 

Where to begin with this shit show… Yet another film I have watched recently where the actors are amazing… the world built is fascinating… and yet none of it really matters… Personally I’m pretty sure someone watched John Wick and said, “Hey, I can do that.”… Well as it turns out they couldn’t… John Wick wasn’t and isn’t perfect… what that film is though is original for the most part… Don’t get me wrong… this film doesn’t just rip the face off of John Wick and then spread it out evenly between a collection of characters…

Okay… maybe it does a little bit… A lot of this film is spent showing how this world’s Los Angeles is and what it has become… a gangster ridden shit box without any water… basically people are pissed… and if anyone knows the history of LA… when they get pissed shit goes down… None of which is really that important to our characters because… well they are bad ass killers, thieves, assholes, and all around menaces to society… so people having or not having water… people rioting in the streets for their right to clean water… don’t mean shit to these miscreants… What it does mean though… for you as the viewer… is that all of this will be taking place in… you guessed it… Hotel Artemis

Honestly not a bad setup to why we can’t go outside… Problem being… I feel like the real issues… what we should really be concerned with is outside of the hotel for assholes… But that could probably be because the world… our world is really heading that way… then again fuck’em… water isn’t a basic human right… it’s not like we need it to survive… so lets spend the next 94 minutes figuring out what the fuck these assholes are up too…

They aren’t up to much… because the Hotel Artemis isn’t really a hotel… It is more of a criminal hospital… with lots of rules… rules that must be followed… or you die… do you understand?… Good… because we are going to break most of them… even a really big… maybe the most important one… Don’t let a cop into the den of deceit… and for no real reason at all we fucking do it… well there is a reason… this wasn’t really all that poorly written… but they really did follow the method of… “Oh, this would be really awesome”… “Shit I’m in a hole”… “How do I get out of this?”… “Oh, this would be really awesome”… wash… rinse… and repeat… But they did it pretty well until they couldn’t… and that my friends is called the end…

I got side tracked there… point is they attempted to build a world that was pretty interesting… they tried to build a place where all of these cool characters could come together… and they barely pulled it off… I wouldn’t say it was a complete waste of my time… afterwards maybe… only because I had the same thought the creator did right after seeing John Wick… “Hey, I can do that.”… but then laziness kicked in… said ah fuck it… and added my ideas to the ever-growing pile of shit I like to call my notes… 

Enough with the negatives… let’s get ankles deep in the positives about this film… The makeup on Jodie Foster was impressive… to the point where I was like there is no fucking way she is that old… turns out she isn’t… great job there… Sterling K. Brown did an amazing job… though a lot of this I feel was just his overall nature of being cool, calm, and a collected bad ass… he is also the main character and in an interesting twist one of the most informed characters about this world…

(For the non-writers… usually the main character has no idea what the fuck is going on… because they are you… the audience… there for we are experiencing this story together for the first time… learning, growing, and expanding our horizons beyond what we thought was or could be… “You mean to tell me I am a Wizard and that there is a whole Wizarding world I didn’t know existed?. Please tell me more.”… that’s at least a year’s worth of college… you’re welcome… Also yes, you are Harry Potter… and that is why if you actually read the books… you too have come to the conclusion that the movies suck… because they aren’t like you or the ways you imagined that world to be… and if you thought they were awesome?… stop lying to yourself… they were shit cash grabs…) 

Back to where I was… Brown does a great job… Not as great as he does on American Crime Story… but great none the less… Charlie Day also does a great job… only because for once he isn’t playing himself in a comedy role… rather he is playing himself in a “dramatic” one… this may sound like an insult… or that I am shitting on him in some way… but actually I am not… massive Charlie Day fan… would watch him in anything.. and I have… and I have enjoyed all of his performances… Always Sunny For Life… As far as everyone else… they were all interesting… they were all awesome… as someone who is really into movies and wasting their life on this crap… I always love when someone I recognize pops up… “Oh shit, they are in this”… comes up a lot when I watch movies and I love that… 

Overall Score

Hard fucking pass… another case of this trailer is awesome… what else is out there?… If you find this on Netflix… someone else paid for it… or you just got sick of burning your money and thought, “Hey, I don’t actually have to light it on fire all the time to have the same effect” … Then I say check it out… There are things to like… but not enough to love…

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I’m pretty sure anyone who was asking for a sequel to Marry Poppins is either dead or dying… what is this the 60’s?… This film is about five decades too late…

There are actually people out there who could use the money…and the help… Instead of blowing it on the making of this film… I’ve got a sequel for you… Mary Pippins Actually Helps Somebody… it’s a documentary… throw in some songs about scoring crack under a bridge called… This Medicine Don’t Go Down So Smooth… everybody has a great time… it’s a family film… a feel good film about how shitty the world is… we laugh… we cry… we wait five decades and see the actual impact of our kindness… I even have the tagline… “Who the fuck is Mary Poppins?”… it could be amazing… 

Laughing In the Face of Darkness

There is a story I’m always trying to tell
It doesn’t have a beginning, middle, but it does have an end
It is long, some might say endless
A story I can never seem to get straight
Give it all I got, in the end, it never makes any sense
Wish you could see my thoughts as they see me
My hopes and dream is that maybe one day
You can feel what it is like to be me
Bleed thoughts onto the page, inhale words to live another day
If only it was all for something
Wonder if I would have more to say
Living life in reverse is no way to live
Search for the middle without anywhere to begin
Another day wasted, I’m wasting away
How much more of this shit am I willing to take
Standing still, standing right here as I always have
Had no other options so what choice did I have
Feel as though I have said this all before
Staring Into the Screen
Hollowed out valley, acting as a megaphone
What’s the best way to get banned from Twitter?
Saying how you really feel even if for a second
Don’t be silly, popularity has always counted
Being an asshole has always been second nature
To getting to the top
All of this has rules, follow them if you want to be
Left behind, mixed signals waving me in
Always at home waiting for me
A coffin built, paid off in blood
No one builds anything just with their hands, any more
Sandcastle made out of ashes, inhale, exhale
The poison doing its work
Have more in common than I thought
Excessive and over the limit
I present you with the evidence
The answer to the question

Don’t give a fuck about the flowers
Don’t give a fuck about the bees
Don’t give a fuck about you
And I definitely don’t give a fuck about me

I’m just fucking with you all
Silly girls shouldn’t play with guns
Broken hearts are for your children
The ones left dead in the dumpsters
Too sick to get the rest out of my head
What was it I was beginning to say
Something about wishing you away
These thoughts they come and go
Though they always seem to stay in place
Big boys don’t cry they tear your heart out
Broken psyches are pointless after forty-five

Bathed in blood I could use a hug
From the person, I used to be

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You’d think after two hundred of these things… I would have something to just cut and paste… or copy and paste if you’re nasty… or if you are like me… too lazy to hit backspace… feeling at odds with myself… not lost… not standing in place… only going with the random thoughts in my head… This post didn’t end where I thought it would… satisfied none the less… turning the lights on and off… haunted with the madness coursing through my veins… sometimes it works… and sometimes it doesn’t… I guess that’s the point of going off the deep in… 

AmazonThreadless… if you don’t already know… these are the places I house my soul… 

Lemonade and Glass: It’s Been A Minute…

First Post From Some Point In Time…

Calypso by Spiderbait (Lemons)

Okay… I am starting to see a trend in what makes me like songs…

The mix of sweet and then rock in this song just shoots straight through to my goth, glitter-encrusted heart.

This Aussie band is the tits. Most of their songs are so different, if you didn’t know, you wouldn’t think they were the same fucking band…

They are a real dot point of my teenage years. 90s angst and pastel prettiness and grunge dribbling through the cracks. That is why this is here. Nineties represent!

I car scream the shit out of this song… But I think my fav is the first time the rock punches through your speakers. “Outside. All around me. Really sleazy. Then it hits me. … Don’t tell me. You can’t see. What it means to me. Me me…”

Yeah!

An Ado to No One by The Smashing Pumpkins (Glass)

I love the title right out the gate… It could be the title of my autobiography… that or… Who the Fuck Wrote This?… or Could I Get A Fucking Minute?… I’m not the biggest Pumpkins fan… I forgot I even added this song to the playlist… that is how far behind I am on this project… the music on Pumpkin tracks is almost always amazing… In all honesty, I have no problem with any of their music or lyrics but, there is only so much of Billy Corgan’s voice I can take… haha… “Destroy the mind, destroy the body, but you can not destroy the heart”… “I don’t need your love to disconnect”…

Emerald by The Tea Party (Lemons)

Let’s take it down a notch after all the pop-punk and slide right into some nice warm tea… party? Bad joke? Soz.

I can’t tell if I genuinely love this song because it is a good song or if it is just all the feels of sentimentality. The first time I heard this song was on a mix tape made for me by first real BF. He made me listen to it before I could take it home, rewinding it to just the right part. Stop start stop start… lol… goodness me…

It has this 80s-movie/Labyrinth-soundtrack kinda vibe to it that just tickles my nostalgia bone.

The Tea Party are my Moby Dick.

They are one of my fav bands but I have never really seen them live… something always happens to foil my plans. I say “really” because technically I saw part of their set at a festival. I missed most of the set and the rest of the set was drowned out by my oncoming sunstroke. And no, I was not drunk… I have a very strict, no alcohol at concerts rule. WTF is the point of paying money to have a hazy, drunken memory if being trapped in a moshpit… fuck all that. Plus, I do not understand why all the good festivals in Aus are put on in the Summer??? 

Back to the song, Lemons…

I always had this image (from back when I was 13) that this song was about a rescue. A woman in a bad situation and her knight in shining armor coming to take her away from all the bad things. “Just be still my emerald. I’ll be waiting for you. Do exactly what you’re told. I’ll be waiting for you” This chorus is also my car scream, coupled with “Did you always want to be. Did they try to steal your soul? Did they hurt you with deceit? Can’t you come in from the cold? Be still my emerald. I’ll be waiting for you.”

Ghost Head by O’Death (Glass)

This is a newer track that I am obsessed with… “That’s what my bloody hands said”… I love the horror style lyrics… the dark folk music… and the singer’s voice… it reminds me of Neil Young…. “That’s what my bloody hands said”… this is a track I normally listen to as I walk into work… as I prepare my mind and body for the bullshit that it be going through for the next few hours… “Go like the ghost head, Go like the ghost head”…. I walk through the building… look at each sad sunken face… wonder why it is that I show up to this place every day?… Ready to run and here I am… that’s what the track reminds me of… someone ready to run from a murder or their life… Ready to go anywhere but this place…  

(Lol I totes read it all… smiling… you’re funny.)

So What by Metallica (Lemons)

If you don’t like vulgarity … then you wouldn’t be reading our blogs lmfao … but seriously, this song is drenched in vulgarity. 

I went through a massive Metallica phase. Like… huge. I’m talking, paid to be in their fan club, had posters on the walls when I was an adult… I was convinced I would one day leave my partner at the time to go marry James Hetfield. Like… obsession, obsession.

I grew out of the idea of marry Mr. Hetfield but not out of my love for Metallica. I may not have posters on my walls anymore, but I still listen to them a lot.

This is the song I skip as quickly as possible if my kids are in the car… It is the song that I turn up when they are not in the car. I put the windows down to for maximum offense. So, take this as a warning…

Well, Everybody is Fucking in a U.F.O. by Rob Zombie (Glass)

What can I say about Rob Zombie?… Hellbilly Deluxe was one of the first albums that I asked for… fuck I was 11… I started early into music… Before that, I was listening to a lot of Prodigy and Nirvana… still, do… I saw the video for Dragula and fell head over heels… Rob Zombie videos were my first introduction to B films and horror films… and I could watch them… This track isn’t from that album… it is from his latest album and I picked this track because it is the best song he has had in years… It reminds me of old Rob Zombie but it still sounds new… “I’m going to get my twenty bucks and vacation in Japan”… My favorite Rob Zombie track is actually a White Zombie track More Human Than a Human… The Blade Runner reference is… is the best… I enjoy Zombie’s lyrics because he is a human blender… taking things from here and here and this is how I feel… it works… for me at least…  

 

This was well past due… I’m out of excuses for living… work wants my soul and I’m more than willing to give it up… parting with things has always been easy for me… more so if I don’t care… going to try to work harder at getting these out… a lie but I’m trying damn it… usually, I wouldn’t give a fuck, but I feel bad because it isn’t just me working on this… if it wasn’t for Lemons I would probably abandon the whole thing and be lazy… so big thanks to Lemons… for putting up with me… and being the driving force for me to get off my ass… even if I am late on everything… haha… 

Bahahahahahahaha, Layney, you are totes adorbs. The truth of the truth is we both have major life shit happening. We ALL have major life shit happening and doing creative things like this both difficult and necessary. We need an outlet and music is the perfect outlet. Hopefully, we will get better at bringing these out. Mr. Glass is not to blame. We are both a little shitty at getting our arses into gear, which is why it is good because we can understand each other, and I am sure all you peeps understand as well.

KISSES!

 

5 Words I Like and One I Hate… Faggot

Vicarious, kaleidoscope, duality, but, and nihilism. Well, that was easy and now for the one, I don’t.

No one can remember the very first time they hear a word. I thought I did and I was wrong. This was intended to be a one part story, but it quickly turned into a two-part story. One I will have to tell in reverse.  As I was saying no one knows the first time they hear a word, but they can remember when the first time a word impacted them. Faggot is one of those words. The first time I heard it. The first time I felt its impact. I was walking home from school.

I was in the 6th grade so maybe all of twelve or possibly going on thirteen. There I was minding my own business walking home on the side of the road. At the time I lived in this tiny town in Illinois. A farming town not far from St Louis. This has nothing to do with anything. I’m just setting the location of the incident. Don’t be fooled ignorance can be found anywhere on this planet. Walking through the grass on the side of the road when a car of teenagers drove by. One of the assholes screams faggot at the top of their lungs.

The sound of his voice was enough to lock this memory in my brain for a lifetime. At the time I didn’t even know what the word meant. What he meant by it. But I didn’t need to. The word itself was enough for me to know it meant something awful. So vulgar in its delivery. Slammed into my face as though it had anything to do with who I was or what I was doing. I didn’t need to know that it had anything to do with being gay. I didn’t need to know that word’s meaning to know that I never wanted to use it.

Being young, being scared, being confused by this strange and awful word I began to cry. I ran the rest of the way home with tears down my face. My mom recognized something was wrong as soon as I entered the house. She went into to full-on mother mode. “What happened? Are you okay? Who do I need to kill?” It took a moment for me to get it out.  I didn’t want to say it let alone hear it again.

“Some kids in a car called me faggot.”
“Well, are you?”
“No.”
“Then it doesn’t matter. Words don’t have meaning unless you give them one. So some assholes called you a faggot. They are assholes. You gave them the power to let them hurt you. All they were trying to do was hurt you and you let them. People are going to say horrible things. They might even say them about me. Doesn’t matter unless you let it matter.”
I stopped crying.

That’s the thing about words. They don’t really mean anything. Placeholders for a feeling, a thought to cut like a knife. But no one said you had to let them cut you. I carry that message with me every time someone tries to stab me with their vulgar, easy exit words. I hear their bullshit attempts to piss me off and I laugh. I’m the biggest faggot on planet earth. What else you got?

Part 2

Words have a way of haunting you even when you think that they don’t. I said and I thought the first time I heard the word faggot was when those kids drove by. Maybe that was the first time I thought it impacted me as a person, but during the writing, I realized it wasn’t. I thought about just forgetting the whole thing. Thought about pushing it back down like I had for most of my life, but why should I?

Digging deep into the back of my mind. The first time that the word took something away from me was when I was a child. No idea what age I was. I could ask my mom, but we don’t talk about that time of our lives. It was during the reign of my mom’s second husband. The dark times of my life. The times I try to forget, but the memories always come back up. Stories for another time possibly.

As a child, I was really into gymnastics. No idea why, but I was. Maybe I saw it on the Olympics or something. My mom signed me up for classes and away I went. Every Thursday I got to learn something new for my new passion in life. Until one Thursday my mom couldn’t drop me off for my class. So my stepfather had to. Had to take some precious time out of his busy schedule of being an asshole to drop me off. Looking back after all the shit he put us through it doesn’t surprise me what he said when he picked me up and an hour later. “Did the little faggot enjoy his gymnastic class?”

I cried. He hit me like he always did. “Toughen up.” I don’t remember much after that. I know that I didn’t go to any more classes. I know that my mom always wondered why I lost interest in it and I’m sure I wondered, just like I do today, why I didn’t say anything.

 

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If you see something… say something… If something is happening… say something… I know the hardest thing we can do in this world is ask for help… I’ve lived through it myself… My mom got it the worst… I don’t blame her for what happened during that period.. but I do wish she had asked sooner… No one deserves to be abused verbally or physically… it is not normal and it is not okay…

Get Help 

Broken Thoughts- Forgive Me

I’m addicted to the drama
I’m addicted to the pain
I’m addicted to this feeling that won’t go away
I like to watch you suffer
Something wrong with me
Something has broken I can’t fix
I’m addicted to the way
I’m addicted to the same
I’m addicted to these feeling that won’t go away
Pushing myself to this point
Driving home all these emotions
A nail into my brain
Failed lobotomy
Failed excuse to start over
Because I’m so addicted to you and me
I’m addicted to the way this feels
Over and over
An eternity with everything to say
Without saying a thing
Lost and in the way

Go fuck yourself with the thoughts
An addiction to being a dick
A worthless state of flaccidness
Pointless organ good for nothing
Asshole, vagina, you’re such a cunt
Mouth so precious, teeth designed to grind
Chewing me up only to spit me out
What was the point all along?
A loneliness that stabs at my heart
Dick in hand as if to say look at me
A puzzle put together with confusion
A haste that only God could dictate
Blind to all things that drive me insane
Always at war with your ignorance
A battle that can’t be won
A war from all sides of my brain
Drinking to ease the pain of a war torn existence
Drunk to understand the thing I’ve become
My inhibitions are limited to my needs
Broken and you’ve left me for dead
Shattered and it never mattered
Empathy is for the weak
At the knees, the world has taken me
The world was done with me
What has this place done to me?

Peeling back the skin, digging deeper into me
The layers come apart so easily
A shell of who I used to be
A husk of who I think I am
An asshole with too much shit to say
Ripping apart the flesh, digging deeper into me
The skin so fragile
A fucked up part of me
Fucked from the beginning
Left me grinning and scattered
So apart from what I want to be
Losing every part of me
Who am I without my needs?
A constant theme I can’t escape
Starting to think it is only me
Please forgive me
I know not what I do
I know not what I say
I know not what excuses I’ve used today

Broken Thoughts about nothing at all… another day down as I live out what I have left… A constant theme devoid of all tranquility… can’t seem to shut it off today… Okay, it is the drinking… haven’t been drinking for the last few weeks… Been feeling too dizzy to process much of anything… No idea what happened there, but I’m back to normal mostly… the feeling comes and then it goes… a new function to my life I suppose… don’t worry because I don’t… 

Merch

 

Don’t forget to leave a review about how much you loved or hate it… Honestly at this point… a go fuck yourself would put a smile on my face… 

 

Drinking Bleach Preview (Vulgar)

The Trial

I’m feeling dangerous as the Judge call me to the witness stand despite the fact that I can’t even wipe my own ass if I wanted to. The law has me tied down. Got me on a leash, but they’re still scared. They don’t understand my madness. They don’t understand what makes me tick. That’s why I am here. So they can get some insight into what I am. Pussies. If they really wanted to know what I am they wouldn’t have me locked down like this. My lawyer says that if they question me on the stand at least I can get off with an insanity plea, but I’m not crazy. I’m the sanest mother fucker in the room.

As the bailiff walks me to the witness stand I get a smell of the perfume from one of the ladies in the jury. It smells of lilies and it smells so sweet I forget just what I am if only for a minute. Takes me back to when I was young. Takes me back to where I wish I could forget, but what’s done is done. I can feel my anger come back to me. I try to pull apart my chains, but it’s no use. I can’t tell which one of them is wearing it, but it doesn’t matter anyway. I’m locked down to god damn tight to do anything about it. Is there no human decency left in the world? When they sit me down in the chair I can see the crowd of people that was once behind me. A woman in a pink dress amongst the sea of black stares at me from the crowd, and she doesn’t look happy to be here. My lawyer said that some of the victim’s families would defiantly be here, but don’t let it get to me. I pucker my lips and give her a “kiss,” as I try to remember which one of my victims she reminds me of. I remember each one of the faces of the woman I have taken. The court is charging me with thirteen counts of murders, but I don’t have the heart to tell them it’s more like thirty. If they can’t find the bodies what concern is it of mine? Something about the woman in pink seems so familiar to me. It is her eyes. Yes, her eyes are the same as Heather’s eyes. They have the same look that Heather gave me as I strangled her to her last breath. God the fun her and I had after that. I have to assume that she is Heather’s sister or I’m sorry victim number six’s sister, but looks can be deceiving. There is no deceiving how Heather looks, however, not after I finished pounding that shovel in her face. No, no more pretty eyes for Heather. I can’t remember what I did with that shovel. Hopefully, I put it back in the shed. It was a really nice shovel I would really hate for it to get damaged. I wonder if they have found all of Heather anyways. They must have found enough of her or why else would the lady in the pink dress be here.

The lady in the pink’s dress is not the only woman with her eyes on me right now. What can I say the ladies love me and I’d hate to disappoint them all, but I’m a little too much to handle. The prosecutor is burning holes into the back of my head. I give her what she wants and give her a little smile to let her know I see her staring me down. She wears her emotions on her sleeve. My smile does nothing more, but piss her off which is all that I wanted. The things I could do to this woman would probably just get me thrown right back in this chair, but I’ll settle with just fucking with her mind for now. She’s not to bad looking either except for the butch haircut she is nearly perfect. If she grew her hair out she’d be easily fuckable with a knife. I can feel my dick getting harder just thinking about making her scream.

The jury looks hung or maybe that’s just how I want to see them swaying from side to side like twelve balls bouncing off one another. The judge breaks up my image of the jury swaying by demanding I put my hand on the bible. I tell the judge I’d rather not. The bible doesn’t do anything for me I say. I politely suggest if he wants me to swear on a book then he should bring me a copy of Everything Shits, as it is more relevant of a book than the bible. The crowd in the stands begins to sigh and talks like the sheep in the flock that they are. I’m the devil they whisper as if I can’t hear them. Wonder how many of them would put their hands on a book that used to be slammed across their face? The Bible reminds me of blood, the Bible reminds me that I have done something wrong, the Bible reminds me of God, and how there is no God. The Judge pounds his little hammer smacking the wood several times before ordering everyone to be quite in his deep voice between the horrible smashing. I ask him to please stop doing that. He tells me he will do as he pleases in his courtroom. A simple apology would have been sufficient, but no he has to be like every other asshole in the room. He asks me in a rude tone to put my hand on the bible so we can move on already. My lawyer reminds the judge that if I don’t want to swear on the bible it is my choice to do so or not. The prosecution adds another emotion to her sleeve, annoyance, before demanding we move on already. I am really beginning to enjoy myself up here in this chair. I feel so powerful as the prosecutor begins her questioning.

She asks me a general question to test my sanity. She asks why I am here in court today. Well she asks, “Why are you here in court today?” But is it not the same question? I explain to her that I was simply out at the local supermarket picking up some milk and accidentally wandered in here. She smiles in that way a woman smiles when she is very angry. In her defense she held back her anger quite nicely, but the armor is coming down. We all know why the accused is here Mrs. Nole please move on. The judge finally made a good point. “Since we all know why you are here Mr. Walters do you mind discussing any of the crimes you are being charged with today?” “No, not at all ask away.” “What happened to victim number six, Heather Woods?” “Going to have to refresh my memory, which one is that again?” “Heather is the young woman who went missing on December 30th three years ago. You claimed that you remember her and picked her out of a group of photo of missing people. Did you not do this Mr. Walters?” “Oh yes Heather, blonde hair?” The attorney nods at me. “Yes Heather was quite special to me. I let her live for a while before I dismantled every single part of her. I heard they still haven’t found all the pieces. Is that true?” “Sadly yes, but we found enough of her to link you to her missing persons case.” “Aww that’s too bad, but then again I imagined they never would find all of her. It’s quite impossible actually.” “Where is the rest of her?” “Hard to say it’s been three years now and medically speaking she is pretty much gone. Say why is she so important anyway? I mean I dismembered and raped and tortured a lot more than just one girl.” “He has a point counselor, but I have yet to hear yours.” “I have a point your honor. My point is why did you do all of this?” “That is your point? Really? There must be better things to ask me than why. I’m missing fucking shows here.” The judge slams his hammer down once again. “You will not use that type of language in my courtroom.” He is really starting to piss me off. I’m trying not to show my anger, but it is getting harder to keep my cool. “You liked to be in control don’t you Mr. Walters?” “What do you mean by that? Don’t we all like to be in control?” “What I mean is that you like to be in control and when you are not you act violently.” My lawyer stand up, “your honor what does that have to do anything? Mrs. Nole hasn’t asked a single question about this case. My client has already admitted to killing these women, what more can she really want from my client?” “I want to hear the truth. I want to know that Mr. Walters truly know what he did.” “Well that is a first I don’t believe I have ever heard of the prosecution trying to get a suspect off for insanity.” “I’m not insane your honor.” The judge slams his hammer. “No one said you were insane Mr. Walters.” My anger is at its peak.

“Stop slamming that fucking thing or so help me I will tear a hole in your throat just to watch you die you piece of shit”, I scream at the top of my lungs. The court goes into a frizzy and the judge slams the hammer yet again. “Order, order in the court what did you say to me, Mr. Walters?” But it is too late for words and despite how well they have me restrained I manage to get out of my chair. I jump as high as my limitations will let me which isn’t very high. The judge is scared out of his mind. He tries to move away from me as I lunge at him with my mouth open. I want to bite his fucking nose off or any part of him I can get my face near. The only part of him I am able to catch with my mouth is his right hand. My teeth grip the side of his hand and I can taste his skin in my mouth. I bit down as hard as I can on his soft flesh. I feel the warm taste of iron flood my mouth as he screams in agony. By this time the guards have gotten a hold of the back of my orange jumpsuit. As they attempt to pull away from the judge’s hand I can feel the soft tissue ripping further. I can hear the judge beginning to scream get this fucking psycho off of me. Get him the fuck off of me now. Just before a bailiff hits me in the face with the back of a shotgun I can feel a large chunk of flesh pull away from the judge’s hand. The hit hurts, but it doesn’t knock me out. I spit out the part of the judge’s hand that is still left in my mouth before telling the bailiff to go fuck his mother for me. The second hit to my face knocks me out cold, but I went out smiling.

Demented… Insane… Perfectly human?… who knows… this is the end of the story arc that runs through out my short story book, Drinking Bleach… Now available on Kindle and Amazon… Don’t forget to leave a messed up review… every little bit helps… Also check out my Threadless shop if you are looking for something new to wear… Storming the beaches of my mind for more to say… Got a playlist up on Spotify… Lemonade and Glass… check it out…

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