Bright Blue And Shimmering…

What do you say with a million lives to say it? What do you do with a million days to do it? An endless array of endlessness that accumulates into a pool of endless ocean. A fully powered and operational confusion ray shown across a thousand skies would still not explain all the confusion I feel inside. The isolation of all the knowledge that needs to be said greatly increases the feelings closing in on me. The pages have become displayed on the walls. Three layers thick and making no sense at all. The words bleed together like poetry at first. But after long consideration the words mean nothing at all. Turn the page. Start again. See what comes out and in the end find no solace at all. What is the meaning of this madness? What is a lifetime spelled out in words?

I pace the room once again. Careful to not knock over the stacks. The pages that could not fit on the wall without nails. Hammer and blood. Zig zagging through future trash. The trash that riddles my mind. Have I said all that I mean or mean what I’ve said at all? The words trickle out like a stream that will one day be a waterfall. A tiny hole in my head that won’t stop leaking. The thought becomes dizzying.  Dazed and consumed by all the words. I bump one of the stacks. It cascades threw out the room like a great wave of the coast of some mystical land. It blends and bends its will to all the other stacks piled up across the land. I stand in a sea of words, an ocean of thought. Even as I stare at each one. Remembering each pen stroke for what it was once worth. I can think of no meaning. No cause to add to this madness I have chosen to live.

Stare at each word. Each letter spelling out syllables and sounds. Meaning escapes me along the thoughts. Every passing moment descends further into nothing at all. The depths from under my skin. Flesh and blood. Meat without a taste. I can hear words as they echo out of the screams. Words played against a black screen. Images played to the silence of it all. A hollow sound that repeats. Blood drops, drops from somewhere though I am unsure where. A stream of red. A clue left behind? A whooshing sound blocks out the silence of thought. The blood pumps harder and faster within my head. Drip, drip. I can’t hear the noise. I can only feel it as I follow the trail. In circles I spin. Brushing up against the scattered pages of my mind. My bare legs chewed up amongst the pages. My blood bring new life to the words. Washing away letter for letter. Ideas for idea. Lost to the soul and pouring out of my head. A war fought bloody and hard. I continue to circle around the words like a vulture circles a dead carcass. I will find an answer to all this madness.

I haven’t showered in days. The new words keep pouring out all around me. The body riddled with sharp pains. I fear that I have become sick amongst the stacks. To quit now would mean that I should have never started at all. I’ve long since run out of paper. Resorting on writing scraps and bits of blood soaked left overs. I have lost track of where this is all going, but did I ever know? Follow the words. Follow the thoughts. Ideas set us free. Ideas separate the man from the beast. It is all here. Word for word. On display for any one with the time.

“A lost generation hoping for something to happen with the littlest effort at all. We all want to be millionaires, but no one has the heart to tell us that it won’t happen. No one has the heart to tell us shit.” Words cut out of my very chest. A pound of flesh I once called a heart. “They are all too scared, too afraid we’ll go shooting up the place. Our fragile minds can’t take the simplest of heart breaks. They fear that our trigger happy, unsympathetic, systematic minds with snap, and they are right for all the wrong reasons.” Man before the beast. Beast before the man. The call for blood of the innocent. The lives of a thousand sons and daughters. Is this not the calling of man? “Fear is nothing more than power. Fear is a manipulative tool used to take over the mind. They us the fear of it all to keep control. Governments, kingdoms, religion, and lies use the same tactics. Fear of the fear to keep control. Place in time. Fear equals control and control is fear. An impasse of conflicted ideas that have worked all too well.” Fitting in as the skin covers my mouth. Embraced by the society that birthed me. “A stabbed out swollen eye of infected corneas lathered so thick with bullshit that all we see is darkness. What about what is next? What happens in the end if no one stands up to the fleeting masses? The controls left in the hands of children. Evolution dictates that a change will cause adaptation to the original species. A rift will develop, slowly filling up with the lost illusion we once held.” Truth written in blood and disguised by lies of the mind. How could they ever lose control? More like them hidden amongst us like weeds that grow from the shit stuck in our eyes. “A river of deceit with a sediment so rich lies will grow like wild flowers amongst what is left of the masses. One could only hope. Giant man powered robots will reign supreme amongst the rubble of civilization. One great civilization shall rise from the ashes of our mistakes and in the end all the right will be wronged and all wrongs shall be righted.” A prophecy fore told in the shadows of the moon light on scrapped bits of paper. Cover the light with words and turn it off.

This is actually two ideas mashed together… a bit of a long post so I will keep it short… Nothing like a bit of madness to get your day started… Originally this was supposed to be used for a much bigger project about a writer losing his mind to the words… I got four pages deep when I realized no one wants to read about exactly what they are going through… So I chose all the best lines from that failed project… and tried my best to make sense out of it… or no sense at all… I just breathe the words… I don’t have to live them… and yet in some ways I do…

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Hanging Onto Repeated Thoughts…

If It Mattered

It wouldn’t be so bad
If it wasn’t for all the guilt
It wouldn’t be so bad
If it wasn’t all that I could think about
It wouldn’t be so bad
If it wasn’t an addiction
It wouldn’t be so bad
If it wasn’t for all the thoughts of suicide
It wouldn’t be so bad
If I could only do it in the end
It wouldn’t be so bad
If I would only let it but I can’t

If I Had Known

I’ve waited too long
Thought I knew what was best
Knew nothing all along
My thoughts they repeat
Stuck on a word that
Won’t last long
All the thoughts in my head
Hurt as though made of glass
Each one poking and stabbing
Till there is nothing at all
I repeat the cycle
Forcing something that can’t be forced
I need something new
What that is I’m unsure
My future is all planned
A future of not at all

Layne Ambrose
Chewing On Glass

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Had A Lot Less To Say… Q & A..

Time for three or four random questions to be answers… no one asked but here we go… Questions provided by the fabulous Ungame… never heard of it?… there might be a reason…

Question 1: What Is Your Best Friend Like?

She is the type of person… that you’d want to hang on a wall… put on display… someone you always want to be there… and when she is not… you can really feel it… deep down in your soul… luckily I have a wall for such things…

Question 2: Finish The Sentence “The Best Thing About Today Is…”

That I’m not the only one using ellipses… too lame… That I didn’t strangle anyone at work… too obvious… That I didn’t have to tell my daughter to pick up her dead things… too illogical… because I checked out as a parent today… That I got to do something I wanted to do today… Just right…

Question 3: If You Could Live Anyplace In The World – Where Would It Be?

Wow… this is a hard one… because I want to live every where… but I will try to limit to… Japan… South Africa… Australia… Antarctica… Sweden… Norway… Finland… South Korea… Madagascar… if I am limited to the United States… then Alaska… Maine… North Dakota… Montana… everywhere I am not basically… haha… someplace cold… isolated… and has a lot of Asian food… I need trees too… In my head I guess…

Question 4: What Do You Like To Do In Your Spare Time?

What the fuck is spare time?… I enjoy a lot of things… I spend most of it writing though… I love doing that… I always enjoy collecting dead things… bird skulls… I need more… Legos… destroying piece of wood or as I like to call them projects… I’d say listening to music… but I do that with everything… reading… whatever my daughter wants me to do… hide and seek… floor is lava… Minecraft… trying to find time to spend with my wife… watching true crime documentaries… I’m pretty boring…

Layne Ambrose

Got out of that one pretty easy… more random questions to come… next month… looking for words?… check the links below…

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King Of This God Damn City… Broken Thoughts…

Rolling thunder and a heart break
Bracing for impact and the after math
Shattered glass to the face
Blood so thick
There’s no way anyone could survive
Dug deep into the ground
A six foot ditch I’d call home
There’s no way anyone could mistake
What I’ve come here to do
Shattered sense of self
Took what was mine and left myself behind
A road with no happy ending
Stop sign at the corner of heaven and hell
Watching the storm roll in

Everybody is looking for you…

Long list of reasons to keep pushing
Through the darkness I can see the light
Everything laid out in front of me
The history of the world built on the backs
Of everyone who has ever lived
Another step on the path called future
Acting out, living my role in a long chain
Of fucking useless existence

Bleeding out consciousness… Forever stuck with these broken feelings…

Do you remember what you said to me
Do you remember
Because I don’t
The words slip through my mind
Since the day, the day I learned what it meant to die
Do you remember what it was like before
Do you remember
Because I don’t
My life slips by day after day
Since the time, the time before I learned
The difference between death and forgiveness
Do you remember what any of this meant
Do you remember
The thoughts slip on by
Since the day, the day before
The day before I learned
What it means to burn
What it means to drown
What it meant to actually suffer
Do you remember because I don’t

Broken Thoughts
Layne Ambrose

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No Real Idea… Rant…

I don’t have anything to say, but of course this is not my fault. It is probably in some ways yours as I take no blame for anything that are faults of my own. No, I am from a generation that is like every generation before it. Masked and paraded in a way that makes us seem different, but each generation is the same. My generation’s mask seems so obvious. Ripe for the picking. My generation expects to be rewarded for showing up. We deserve the world because we were promised the world. I choose my hours and I expect to reserve the same amount of hours each week dispute quality of work. I’m here am I not? Bow before me and kiss my feet. You can’t replace me with a robot. Not yet at least but until you do. Know that I am in charge. Glad I could be the one to inform you. Don’t make me get my mother on the phone. She will only say what I’ve been told all this time. Don’t worry I won’t call her unless I have to. A weapon I keep in my back pocket. A weapon that has no repercussions but I know I can use. This is only the start of what I deserve, what I expect from this life. Outside of work I expect much greater things. I know I deserve a mansion full of food and a car that does zero to sixty in less than ten seconds and a phone blazing fast phone and a TV bigger than a wall and I deserve these things because I exist in this world. I need unlimited connection to this world I have no real knowledge about. If these small demands. No if these basic necessities of life aren’t met so help me I’ll have no choice other than to milk a system I had no hand in creating. You may see me as a fat pig begging for more, but no I am nothing more than a small, starving, and dying child. Nothing is not guaranteed as long as it has been on TV. I’m not sure this is right. I’m not sure this is true, but I’m sure at one time or another I’ve done at least one of these to you. Justified in my actions. Justified in my thoughts all I know is it couldn’t have been my fault.

Something very different… I found this buried deep within my files… maybe I should have left it there… but where is the fun in that?… I’m not sure what triggered me to write this in the first place… but upon reading it I was triggered again… I tried to leave it as is… not add anything to it… I’m sure I did though… write something over and over again… it will change…overall though… I think a lot of “us” are treated like this… as a child… sometimes justified… most of the time not… we get grouped up in this group… I believe that is where this stems from…

Hard to say when it was written almost a decade ago… I have a lot of notes and files… saved up of course… in case I don’t have anything real to say… : )

Oddly enough… I do find myself having this stupid debate about generations… more than anyone should… the best argument of course is that we are lazy… don’t know anything about hard work… expect so much… blah… blah… blah… truth is yes… with each passing generation we have become all of those things because we are advancing… each generation rewrites the term “hard work”… as it should… each previous generation defines “laziness”…

Because… “Do you know what I had to do for insert something“… “Do you know what it took to get insert something“… “Yes, grandpa… You had to walk eight miles up hill because apparently you grew up on a mountain… We have electric scooters for that now… no one has time to be walking”…

That was a weird paragraph… but you get the point… hopefully… I’m to lazy to reread it again… I never said none of it was true… losing the point… wandering off… it shouldn’t be news… but it is… we are no lazier than the last generation… unless you are talking about this new generation because…. it is sad really… my daughter is too lazy to even finish the YouTube video… she expects everything to run off an app… and apparently if we don’t have something/ she breaks something… it’s okay… “You can buy another one”… Hands me my phone… fucking Amazon…

Speaking of… Books now available in paperback and digital on Amazon… In case my daughter broke yours… I promises that the sentence structure… makes way more sense than this…

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