Slowly killing myself Living life, not fast enough Dying life, not slow enough Speed it up Let it go Breathe a little Keep fucking running Not enough Add it up Subtract the dream Slowly killing myself Living life, not slow enough Dying life, not fast enough Drag it in Hold on tight Exhale a little Keep fucking pulling Not enough effort Add it up Subtract the want Nothing equals what you give Living on fumes Being dragged by the chain Waiting around bored Makes no sense Yet here we are
I can’t separate the need from the pain…
How many times are you going to break my heart? How many times will I let you? Ripping the heart from my chest What a useless vessel for love How much can one take? Enough to kill for At what point am I? What a useless question for love Not even close enough How many times are you going to take everything? How many times must I watch it all walk away? Stripping the soul from my body What a useless vessel for life How much can one take? Enough to die for At what point am I? What a useless question for something So meaningless as this
Sometimes it is easier to say the words out loud than to believe them…
Are you even trying? Do you try to breathe? No, why would I? You? Only when I’m drowning
Trying to make it through today…
Two weeks from thirty two Growing old The mirror’s reflection doesn’t look the same The mind feels as it always does Growing old Thinking about all the things Thinking how none of this means a thing Growing old Killing myself is getting old
“Despite purified air, despite not going out for months, despite no human contact in over a year, and despite a diet balanced out to be everything that my body needs. I have become sick. I have become infected with something I have to silently suffer with. Alone and isolated I lost everything and yet I still managed to pack everything for this exact scenario. I have planned every possible outcome of everything. The architect of my own demise. How could I have been so careless? They warned me long ago but I didn’t listen. I didn’t think it was possible. Chasing darkness into the night. Should have known better. Should have been better than to question the idea of immorality. I dreamed of immorality but what is it really? It is nothing more than infinite knowledge and a never ending legacy of pain and sorrow. Threw it all away. Should have let the idea of death take over. Would I be human then if I had?
I am well suited for immorality since anything that mattered
died a long time ago. I’ve given up on the idea of humanity. Become more like
God than I’d like to admit. I am as if I am immortal though only time will tell
how long it will last. Time and days are a human idea. Immorality and life are
God ideas, but where and what are you when stuck in between the crossroads of
God and man? I can create and destroy anything I wish by shaping this reality.
Shaping another’s reality. I am my own God and my own savior, but will I also
be my own end? The question fills my heart with no answers. The isolation
proves theories I thought were only myths. There is no God greater than the
sun. There is nothing beyond the stars but more darkness. There is no true
meaning of life beyond the end. Not when we can control it ourselves. I’ve
unleashed the end of all things to come. Now is the time for me to enjoy the
end. For we are our own damn God’s.”
“End of transmission,” the computer states. “But there is no body?” A solider questions. His uniform the same as the rest. “Then we have to assume he is still out there. We must find him. As long as he lives he holds the power to end it all,” his superior says. “So it is true then. He is the source. He is the God of all of us?” The young solider questions. “There is no God only the devil. This man is no architect of our creation or our end,” their leader barks. “He is nothing more than a virus. A sickness we have been trained and created to get rid of. We will find him and put a stop to all of this. Now let’s move out,” he orders.
This one is a bit of a stretch… not a whole lot of information given… yet it is packed full of information… if you remember Chasing Darkness and Beginning of All Things… These three stories are connected by a very thin life line… when going through my notes I found these three different stories… not connected but very similar… on their own they were okay… but if there was a sub theme of connection?… got me excited enough to finish them off…
So if this didn’t start off as a connected story… but rather a stand alone story… what was I writing about… the opening paragraph… the only part kept from the original notes… was actually the first pass at whole other story… a still work in progress story called the Undamned… I hope to turn that into a book some day… that story and this story stemmed from my overall desire to disappear into the darkness…
At the time I was working overnights… long hours… isolated and divided into a small group of people… looking back it was a pretty fucked up time for me personally… but as a writer it definitely produced a lot of ideas and thoughts… left to my own devices I’d probably do nothing but write… create… sounds pretty awesome as a writer… but it isn’t a life… it isn’t living… took me way to long to realize that… took me way too long to understand that life is about those around you and not all about you… took a lot for me to open my eyes… but having a child really forced my eyes open…
Having a child made me rethink my whole existence… what I was willing to do or not do to keep living in this world… before then I didn’t “care”… before then all I cared about was myself… you can get through life just fine that way… I was doing fine… my life has always been good… can’t say life didn’t happen… good or bad… life happens… but overall I can’t say my life was bad… had someone I thought I loved more than myself… a child will test the limits of everything you think you know about yourself…
Turns out not only did I not know what love meant… I didn’t know what life was either… not sure I will ever know what life really is… not sure any of us are meant to understand it completely… with eyes open I learned that there are only two things in this world I can’t live without… air… earth… and water… are just fine… but they aren’t worth as much as we think without those around us… living isn’t about being alive… I guess is what I’m trying to say… got lost in the emotions in a good way…
Do you think long enough Would be enough to stop? Sat here thinking Couldn’t shut it off Can’t escape this feeling Sitting here dying Do you think if I had enough time Would I get anything done? Laid here thinking Couldn’t shut it off Can’t escape this feeling Lying here dying Do you think if I had enough money Would I be able to buy this away? Sat here thinking Couldn’t shut it off Can’t escape this feeling That none of this matters
“You’re a smart man, but even smart men say dumb things”… Everyone around me…
Trying to latch on to something real Tether myself to a place I don’t want to leave A gravestone set float at sea Burning embers laid upon lifeless corpses Hearts still beating Trying to come out of this alright Fears breaking every bone A slow death provided on bent knees Burning desire the body no longer understands Brain still thinking Trying to latch on to something real Tethered myself to you A lifeless corpses with nothing to say Burning embers laid upon a rotten brain Body still hurting Trying and failing Latch myself into something to hold dear Trying and failing To live a life not thinking about you
“I will drown you in a bath tub of your own piss”… In response to being told that I was too dark… “Because shit is too thick”…
Don’t let the darkness seep into your soul Only one way to let it go No one wants to talk about it Everyone knows exactly what I mean How it feels each and every day A sin, a curse, then what is life? Each day the sun will rise Then it will set Feel as though somewhere, at some point Mine got switched She had a name, now barely a face The darkness takes more than feelings Covers each and every memory What’s the difference? Can’t even begin to say At this point I wish there Was a hole right where My heart should be Not in it to win anymore Just trying to finish out the day
Some pretty long Broken Thoughts… I thought about turning them into poems… but they were written so long ago that the feelings are gone… Moments in time… that is the thing to remember when everything feels as though it will never go away… that this is all there ever was… ever will be… the darkness doesn’t last forever… it doesn’t go away… but it doesn’t last forever… all we can do is prepare for the next wave… making life what it is… is all there is… I’m off to kiss my wife… and play Minecraft with my daughter… stay positive… and make the most of every day… even if it is doing nothing at all… it is still something in the story that is your life…
The man shakes as he speaks his words more transparent than his presence. His needs outweigh his wants by now, but it is all trivial in the end. We wanders from table to table on the outdoor patio. He wants someone to listen to him. “God is good,” I can hear him say from the next table over. He has a speech rambling in his head only the audience isn’t willing to listen. He is off to another table talking to himself as he goes along. Explaining his speech on deaf ears and intoxicated minds. Taking the appropriate amount of time with each thought, each word as though anything he has to say is important. A girl at the next table goes down the rabbit hole with him, but she soon comes up for air and walks away. So he moves on. He is a disciple of God he proclaims as he reaches my table. I inherit my new role in all of this with grace. Something is off about him and I don’t think it is the alcohol. Jesus he repeats. He is the disciple of Jesus not God. Though Jesus is God he explains. He seems confused as to what even he is saying as he says it, but I listen all the same. Who am I to turn away a fellow story teller? He engages with everyone at my table. More so than I have for the past few minutes. He takes a seat in the empty chair at our table. Uninvited but not pushed away. He found what he was looking for in us. An audience who can’t look away. He sets the scene, lays out the characters, and tells us his tale. A tale of heart break, a tale of pain. It is a story that is easy to judge after the fact, but you know that during it all there was, was pain. Love is fickle in that way. Intense, everlasting, all that there is, and after a time it is nothing at all. A mistake, a bad decision, a waste of time, but for some that time never ends even after the fact. Insert Bobby, insert God, and insert the reason he sits before us today. Drinking is not new to him. Drinking and science is what lead him here today, but like most people around these parts God showed him the way. A woman left, the woman left him he stresses with every little detail. He was sad so he drank. Tried to drink the pain away. He was successful for a moment in time. Only he tried to do something else that night, drive home. Illegal enough of an activity to call his actions stupid, irresponsible, dangerous, and yet we haven’t even gotten to all the details. Drinking plus heartbreak plus speed can only equal one thing to most of us. Lucky to make it out of the wreck alive if not destroyed. Lucky that no one else was hurt or anywhere near his selfish act. Bobby found something he didn’t know he was missing until then. Bobby found God or so his story goes. As he thanked him with a prayer between sips of beer. Didn’t thank science or the doctors. He didn’t thank the people around him that took care of him while he recovered from the horrible accident that left him with irreversible brain damage. No he thanked God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. He finishes his beer and gets up from the chair. Asks if we found Jesus? Before wandering off once again. In search of a new audience to hear the same speech repeating in his head.
This one is pretty dark… very different… and Bobby very much exists… I meet him for a brief moment… almost seven years ago… while going through my notes I found my notes on the evening… my friend at the table told me after he left… that this would be a good story… so I wrote some notes down… left it at that for almost a decade… one because I buried the notes… and two because I didn’t know how to approach the story…
It isn’t my style… especially back then… back then I had no style… but I knew that, that wasn’t the style I was going for… recently I had a change of heart… I found the notes and I set out to finish it… it isn’t long and it isn’t epic… but it is real… I don’t know if Bobby still walks the earth telling his tale… I hope so… but just in case… here it is…
Digging a grave Same as you Meet you there If there even exists Lighting the candle For your soul Bet I’ll be you there Smile on my face A shame buried in my heart Take everything handed out Take everything you are Willing to give away Fears, regrets, embarrassments Demon born of the night An asshole without a face Found my purpose Now there is no going back Peel the curtain to reveal Who it is that I have become Stuck in place and waiting Toothless grin smeared across My face Demented, fucked in the head So sure you’d like to be me?
Yes, the words are blurry… Thoughts I see clearly…
It all sounds good on paper Until you have to look the person You are fucking in the eyes Best of luck being the asshole You’ve always wanted to be Smile it is all so much simpler On broken knees
Filling in the negative space with hate and rage…
Processing the guilt with no one left to forgive Hate to say this but it’s the effect I give Driving away at the highest speeds Looking for a wall with my name A rare occurrence I left back home The cans all ran out but the scars still shine A thick crust of blood and love How can I say this in the best possible way Get the fuck out my head Warning signs were always there I’ve lost my mind and that is just fine So long as you take it with you when you die A parting gift with too many ribbons Pretty bow to hang it all from
Maggots falling of the trash can… demented image to get stuck in your head… watching the birds pick them off one by one… life taken in an instant… life continuing in a flash… the word life doesn’t make much sense… even when it does…
Waiting these feelings out Digging a hole in the ground Chiseling out the words That will define me Heart no longer beating Got to keep moving Crashed too many times to make sense Burning Loved you most when I knew Your hate wasn’t a thought But the truth Wandering down a winding path Destination no longer in the past Watered down drinks Dismissive, unclear adjectives
Feel like I’m suffocating in a room full of windows…
This Is Where I Found You
Cold wind blows in A heart of steel and glass Shattered pieces blowing in the wind Eyes full of pain and tears An endless idea of everything I bring This is where I found you As I watched you die By my hand By my thoughts By my loneliness Cold wind blows in A heart made of dirt and sand Shattered existence blowing in the wind Hour glass full of time Slipping from my hands This is where I found you As I watched you slowly drown From my hands From my thoughts From my loneliness Cold wind blows in A heart made from the dead and the living Shattered existence blowing in the wind Head full of unrealized thoughts An endless idea of everything I have This is where I found you As I watched you try to live By my hand By my thoughts By my loneliness There is no place you shall ever be By my side and everything you’ve meant to me Kill you as we slowly die The demons always coming from inside
Why climb a mountain if you can walk up it…
Busy chasing ghosts Let the dead go Dead, dying, some sort of living Let the dead sleep They deserve what little peace We can give them
Going through my notes… for the next couple of post… dark storm clouds are rolling in… feel like I am reading from a script… Not sure how the next few posts will be different from any other day… thinking of taking up a job as a weatherman… weather person?… I’m joking of course so, I don’t care much for being politically correct… offensive?… what do you come here for?.. coddling the sack is not how this all started… driven to a point where I’m willing to insert the shaft… this life style is not for the weak… but for those of us that have shit to do today… a constant grind… one more post and then I can be done… a lie I tell myself so I can move on… another day… another year… I’ll always be willing to rot here in place…
Breaking down the barrier Between then and now Forever lost in your thoughts How it is, how it should be Like suffering where you sit Here we are trapped in all this shit An endless cycle Without a defined beginning Like suffering as you breathe Struggling through every breath Here I am waiting on your sin
Broken wings too bent to fly…
Your words hurt me I won’t admit this truth Face to face The truth burns deep inside my head An insect among the dead Feared and never respected Bring the truth of the world to light Eating all that you dispose In the darkness I grow
Scattered across the floor of my mind…
Apocalypse Dawn Burning scars across the face of it all The embers burn into a blaze of thought Screaming words to prove I’m sane The poison long injected into the vain Been longing to die with them all along Just didn’t know it had to be so soon As quickly as now Trading everything to not fit in The transactions leaving tracks across the skin Selling parts of me to prove I’m not them Antisocial and got it wrong Suffering alone for no reason at all Just didn’t know that it had to make no sense Not even now A confusing time to figure it all out At the apocalypse dawn
Wait that last one isn’t a Broken Thought… it is a poem… yeah well shit changes… Originally only had the title… Apocalypse Dawn… which is why I wrote every line to “As quickly as now“… in the first place… should have been the end of the thought… as it was when I wrote it months ago… but on second pass today… I thought that it was way to violent for no reason at all…
I’m not one to shy away from violence… being vulgar… but even I have a change of heart… when there is no reason for it… So I started fucking around with it and came up with the rest… turned it from a violent world ending thought… to being about growing old… retrospective today?… maybe…
While messing around I wrote three other lines that I took out… they were good… but I only wanted the idea of what they said rather than the actual words themselves…
A fashion statement with no reason Just go back to the beginning To see where this began
Maybe I will use them later for something else… or they will get buried in my notes… but without context they are very vague… the first line here is about trends and all the things we do to be “different”… something I am very guilty of… not a bad thing… but as we grow older… as we out grow the trend of the time… popular or not… we may still keep some of things we did as children… but mostly we shed all that we can to fit in to society in the end… All the kids are like fuck that this is me for life… and all of us “old people” are having flashbacks earlier times…
Need examples?… why the fuck not… my thoughts are on display anyway… Growing up I was Punk as fuck… you know like everyone else… I was rebellious to a point… I had crazy hair… basically my bangs grown all the way to the center of my chest and the rest of my head shaved… dyed black of course… finger nails painted… very Misfits… blended with what I also loved at the time… pop punk… lip ring… long shorts… skater shoes… I also had to have black bracelets… the rubbery jelly kind… because Joey Jordison from Slipknot had them… so I had to have them too… I was a mix of fashions… because I was so “different” then everyone else…
I carried these rebellious choices for a long ass time… It was me and was always going to be me… let me tell you kids don’t even know… hit that first job… lost half of myself in an instant… lip ring had to come out (I kept this for awhile… had to take it out when I got to work… but when all you do is work… it became too much of a pain in the ass to take out every day)… nails must be clean… and absolutely no bracelets… I fought some of these rules… I had changed my hair by then… you know because Davey Havok from AFI had a full head of long black hair… so I needed that too… but for the most part it was fit in or starve…
Sell out?… maybe… but somethings aren’t worth fighting for… growing older you learn the difference… for me fashion didn’t define me for me… my thoughts… my words… the music I like… those define me… and can’t be taken away… Lost track of where I was going with this… but shit changes whether you want it to… think it won’t… or believe in your heart of hearts that it can’t?.. unless you are rich… then you can shit from the roof tops with no regrets… fitting in has such a dirty taste…
Almost forgot… a thought… Apocalypse Dawn… Would make such an awesome band name… yeah sometimes the thoughts are as simple as that… and everything else just leaks out…
