Chewing On Glass…

Keeping a journal of my darkest thoughts
Hasn’t been as cathartic as I thought
A recollection of my own bullying ideas
Beating myself into compliancy
Hasn’t really been the best for me
Listening to thoughts I haven’t heard in a while
Remembering this isn’t how I used to be…
Only what I have allowed myself to become
If my words were a knife
I’d already be as dead as I feel inside
All wounds heal over time
Even the ones with no end in sight
Fuck yourself… I just want to disappear
Into the abyss I have created, grown from infancy
Not every problem has an equal solution
Even the darkest ones buried deep in me
I am only how god has made me and fuck them too
Put here for something more
Maybe by chance I personally wasn’t
Maybe by disproportionate evidence to the matter
This is the best I was ever meant to be
With what little life that can be found in me

If I don’t at least try… I feel like I might die…

Pushing past the sludge of my mind
Your body still stands naked with time
I’m not sure what it is that’s bothering me
This time
Could be anything and I can’t decide
Pushing past my rotten conclusions
Eating away between me and you
Your essences burned into me over time
A hunger that won’t go away
I could tear your heart out
And it still wouldn’t be enough
I’m not sure what it is that’s bothering me
This time
I don’t want to see your death
I only want to feel your soul
To possess you beyond a sense
Of loneliness and comforting
The touch of your soft flesh
The thoughts tearing me apart
From inside… this time
I’d do anything you’d say
As long as it ended in the same way
Laying down to the strength of my will
I’m not sure what is it that’s bothering me
This time, but I know it won’t go away
Until I’ve erased any sense of you left in me

Was it worth it than to do anything in the end…

Looking for the joy in things I used to do
The feelings been escaping me for years
Carving little poetries into harden bones
Craving a release that just isn’t there
Not quitting was supposed to mean something
Dragging out a long slow death was too
The points been escaping me for awhile now
Cutting flesh from bone
Chopping up the useless parts
Not giving in was supposed to mean something
Turns out it never really mattered to you

The news has been slow lately… ramping its way to something worth saying?… I doubt it… I’ve just become so jaded to the times we find ourselves living in… Reflecting on it doesn’t even seem like it is worth the time… So I won’t… You win… whoever it is that we believe is controlling the news… the world… reality… You can fucking have it… Now what though?…

Now that you have all the power… all my money… all my rights… Now what?… Yeah… still many days left to live out… I’m pretty bored myself… Is there really no end to the will of the people?… I can’t think of a better way to ride out my days… then giving you all the responsibility… Fuck I care… There are two thoughts that make my stomach turn and my head feel as light as air…

The idea… the reality… of how vast space really is… and getting everything that I ever asked for… As these two points converge and collide in my mind… It makes you wonder what God really does to pass the time?… I could really use a few suggestions from time to time… Space may be vast and the less you want… the less you need… But the time is still there… the unspeakable drive that still lives inside…

Conclusions it seems are much harder to draw than any of us would like to give credit for… The end isn’t as simple of a solution as we’d like to believe… There’s a whole hell of a lot between now and then… A lot more rambling on than I’d like to produce… and then one day… like a fart in the wind… It is all gone… What kind of fucking conclusion is that?… The one you are getting today…

Hope all is well…

P.S. Don’t let the little things bring you down… They’re heavier than you think and just as useless…