Chewing On Glass…

Our relevance determined by something else
Bending and shaping the words into place
I don’t think you appreciate the magic
The art it takes to give away a little of my soul
Because what I know is I don’t
Our impending consideration left on the page
Bending and shaping the mind breaks into place
I don’t think you understand the magic
The art it takes to give away a little of the soul
Because from what I know I don’t
Consider it as something it isn’t
And maybe then it has to be something
More than it is and less than it could be
There are enough people who aren’t me
And to think that would have been enough
Was probably the stupidest part of this dream

Cascading reasons why I shouldn’t even try…

Pressure rising… pushing harder
This concrete tomb swallowing me whole
Not again… here we go settling in
Pressure rising… pushing harder
This need in me isn’t going away
Not again… here it is becoming me
Pushing so much harder against the skin
I don’t want to die… I just don’t want to live
Within this skin… happening all over again

Trying too hard to ignore my own thoughts…

There’s a story in my head
Something I’m not allowed to live
Every idea taken away before I can begin
Too many lives in which I’m found dead
Directionless… unspoken prophecies
I’m too tired of failing only to begin again
A part of the process or the story I live?
Questions with no answers lingering in my mind
There’s a story in my head
One where it doesn’t matter if I live or die
Because that’s the narrative handed down to me
Too many lives in which I tried so hard to live
Directionless… stumbled upon revelations
I’m too tired of failing only to keep going
A part of the process or the story I live?
Questions with no answers repeating in my mind
There’s a story in my head that I can’t get out
Not without putting an end to everything else

Lingering ideas… lingering questions… lingering emotions… that do nothing other than haunt me… They don’t motivate… they don’t improve my existence… They just keep coming back up no matter how much I chew through them…

Tiny shards of glass… that dig in deeper… none of this is what I envisioned when I decided to cut them open… expose the infection to the open air… none of this was meant to be anything other than a way to relieve the pressure… the pressure building up inside of me…

I wanted more… hopes and dreams… simple as they may have been… they weren’t enough to curb the relentless need in me to make this more than it really was… Tired too hard?… maybe… Didn’t try hard enough?… So I’ve been told…

Questions without answers… only ill results… kind of just stuck… stuck wondering about what might have been… stuck ignoring what this really is… a solidary place to rest my bones… to rest my mind… a tomb I have slowly made out of words… Is that not what I have always wanted?… There I go… asking another question without an answer…

Inherently it only feels natural for me to question everything I have done… and everything I will do… It used to not be like that… a long time ago… I took a path that I can’t undo… They wind and bend through the halls of my mind… a perfect knot that I cannot untangle…

It has taken everything I have done… everything I didn’t do… to stand here and wonder… what is it that I have done at all?… Life isn’t a linear path… it isn’t a winding road… it isn’t a roller coaster we happen to be on… It is all these things… everything and all at once…

And that will have to be enough… as I circle back around to where I have already been… stand on the same old ground one more time… If this is the narrative I’ve chosen… then this is the narrative I was meant to live… sometimes things aren’t as complicated as we make them…