Chewing On Glass…

Been a while since I’ve thought
Of anything to say about nothing
A lost diary of contradictions
Never really was sure what to do with my time
Except to waste it on waste full things
Lost in a haze of my own making
There’s no secret to my own successful failures
Been a long while since I’ve thought
To do anything other than kill myself
Eyes burning and I’m not so sure what from
These days don’t add up to a complete song
Of ill complexity… my capacity is running thin
For understanding what it is I’m supposed
To be learning by staring into the floor
Manufactured lines of a consumable by product
Of every dying thought still kicking around
Do we care or only pretend to?
Without the threat of death
Hasn’t it always been this way?
It all starts to blend together
Feeling the same things only differently

Nature wanted us to be together if only to tear us apart…

We’ve been replaced
Can’t say it doesn’t feel great
When we asked for it from the beginning
Losing out to such a lonely place
No one asked me if I wasted space
They just assumed correctly
Peacefully I can’t say I thought the same
There’s something that needs to be said
About a woman that only bleeds red
The skin peels back but nothing stays the same
The longer we give away our innocence
The less there is to take away from our existence
Nothings working out to say the same thing
6,000 miles from Earth isn’t far enough
Death has to be the most lovely way
To experience anything this life has to offer
Because we try so god damn hard to get there
Who am I to say my thoughts mean something
When we’ve worked so hard to replace ourselves
With machines that don’t think about anything…

Picked clean and rotting away…

There’s so little left of me
The blood doesn’t come out anymore
Haunted by my own waking dreams
I wish I knew but then maybe I do
The things that make me different than you
Don’t feel the same as I did before
Seventy one takes of the same damn scene
The harder I try the more it shows
That I didn’t know what to do from the start
Progress takes too long to grow something new
Papers stacking up and still I haven’t found out
What the fuck I’m looking for from this mess
How to learn… How to let go…
The lost art of giving a fuck about anything
We are having what you’d call a bad day
Everyday and all year long in this place
Staring longer into something that’s not there
Dinner is ready, but somehow it’s still cold
The fires of hell are still burning strong though
It isn’t all that bad… could be worse…
It doesn’t seem that way… but it could…
Still pretty cloudy in my head today

Cloudy is a nice way of putting it… Drowning… Suffocating in a room full of windows… Saying a lot of the same things only in a different way… Good days come and go… Bad days seems to linger until the end of time… but they don’t…

Trying not to dwell on the thought for too long… Very borderline at the moment… Can feel myself slipping deeper into the fog… Doing everything I can to steer the ship in a much different direction… No one wants to be sad… feel like shit… Waste more time than they have to on things that don’t matter…

But wasting time unfortunately is a vital part of this whole process… What’s the difference between a writer and someone who doesn’t write… or create… or is doing the thing you don’t?… Giving in to the waste of time… It is the worst parts of anything that makes you better… makes you different… makes you more than you were…

There it is… that’s the secret… Plain and simple… No one wants to rewrite a sentence… a thought… an idea… over and over… again and again… No one wants to fail only to have to do it again… No one wants to hear about how they suck at the thing they want to do…

Praise feels good… Feels pretty fucking amazing actually… But failure makes you better… Nothing special about it… Nothing special about what it is that any of us are doing… If you want to get better… you have to fail… you have to give into the worst parts of what it is that you want to do…

And the honest truth is that even after all of that… the hours upon hours of working on something… giving it every ounce of anything you have… it doesn’t mean a god damn thing… Doesn’t guarantee anyone will ever notice what it is that you have done…

Is writing hard?… Nope… Not in the slightest… Give me a topic and I’ll figure it out… Does that mean it will be good… great?… You’ve made it this far… You tell me… Writing isn’t hard… creating isn’t hard… Investing my time in this isn’t hard… It is the lack of connection… lack of control… lack of response… that makes this so lonely…

I know what I am doing is worth every moment of my time… but that doesn’t mean anything… Doesn’t mean it is worth a second of your time… Thank you to all of those that have stuck with me from the very beginning… Thank you to everyone willing to spend a second of their time with me… ever… It means more than you may have even believe…

Every connection… every criticism… every interaction… No matter how big or small… Means the world to me… I hope all is well… and even if it isn’t… know it will be… Don’t give up… Don’t lose sight of what is important to you… If it is worth your time… It is worth giving it everything you’ve got… and even if it feels like it isn’t at times…

It was…