Chewing On Glass…

Come to think of it
I thought you’d already be gone
I’m honestly kind of concerned
That you’re still hanging on
Come to think of it
Pretty obvious you didn’t
I’m honestly kind of worried
People still think you’re a thing
Come to think of it
I thought you’d have had enough
I’m honestly kind of nervous
That you don’t understand
Everyone hates you
Come to think of it
Pretty clear you didn’t bother
If one was to really think about it
I’m honestly kind of over it
Your abuse may only seem like words
But in time words lose their meaning
And then what are you going to do?

Sadness like a virus spreads the longer you stand around me…

A tornado of sounds comes
From the ground up to the sky
She wasn’t ever going to love you
Not like this… not the way you are
Self-destruction isn’t cute
Killing myself for something so small
Wasn’t the way it was meant to be
You want so much but trust me
It was never worth the cost of giving
Away a soul that didn’t know what to do
A tornado of sounds comes
From inside my soul out onto the world
This wasn’t ever going to be the way
Self-destruction can’t be how it is
Destroying myself for nothing at all
Wasn’t what was brought to me
It was only what was given away

Mind games aren’t fought on a battlefield…

Wasn’t sure but then I knew I never was
That any of this would go the other way
Knowing that one discriminating trait
Would make all the others more apparent
I made a stand to never stand by anything
Wasn’t so sure but then again who is
That anything they bother to do
Means more than they think that it should
Knowing that one obvious trait
Would make all the others more apparent
I made a stand to do the right thing
By whose standard of a matrix are we
Judging these dumb ass decisions
To choose sacrifice over a life?…
Wasn’t sure but then I knew I never was
That any of this was meant to be more
Then it is or could ever actually be
Doesn’t make sense but somehow it has to

If I was to be honest… and sometimes I am… Alright a lot of the time really… just not in a way that is meant to make sense… I am pretty shy after all… I came up with the title… and I haven’t the slightest clue why… Didn’t match anything I had to say today… or even anything I am thinking about on a subatomic level… It’s not even Christmas…

I’m really not thinking about much at the moment… or lately… Currently really bogged down with work… their mental mind games… and how nothing I do… give… accomplish… is good enough… They push and they push for no better reason than nothing… It is depressing really… Depressing that I can’t just let shit go…

I really… really hate this about myself… I had a friend once… You could light this man on fire… wouldn’t even complain that it was a tad bit hotter… wouldn’t even sweat… It was like nothing was even happening… When clearly… he was a blaze and they were just finding more ways to stick it in deeper… as deep as it could go… One big hard as steel rusty pipe right up his… You know I’ve been told that sometimes I’m too descriptive…

Point is… that guy eventually killed himself… cracked under the pressure… and I wish I could be like that… Not dead… that would defeat the purpose… but just to be able to let the all the bull shit slide right off… He truly had a gift… a secret that I could really use right now… But as they say at work… I’m the problem… Who knew the whipping post was the lynch pin holding the organization back?…

Leadership… Maybe one day I’ll get it… Maybe one day I’ll find the ability in myself to be able to walk around and tell everyone else how much they suck… provide zero solutions… and tell them to fix it… With zero support and an endless number of examples of how not to lead a team… Fingers cross… I feel as though I am almost there… I’ve been doing the stretches and everything… I know I’m so close to having my own head up my ass… I can almost taste it…

Hope all is well…