Chewing On Glass…

The scars rip open
Tearing the tissue
The scars rip open
All over again
To reveal the forgotten
Memories of a hidden pain
The scars rip open
Exposing me for what I am
The scars rip open
All over again
To reveal I’m still here

“It’s hard to think of these people as anything other than what they are. Prisoners of a time and place. For me none of this is permanent, but sadly it is. All of this has always been permanent no matter how hard I try to fight it, and I fight it pretty fucking hard. This temporary existence is not what I was meant for. It isn’t that I am better than them because I’m not. This life just wasn’t for me. The way they see, the way they live it, what it is that they want out of it, and until I die, I will repeat the words. As I am buried next to each and every one of them, I will repeat the words. All because I learned how to swim instead of drowning in my own shit.”

Drowning to survive is no way to live
How does a fish survive the surface
They don’t and given enough time
Neither will you at this rate
Burning to live is no way to survive
How does a flame survive under the surface
It can’t and given enough time
I’m sure you’ll impress us all
By somehow figuring it out
Sitting around to survive is no way to live
How does a statue know when to crack
It doesn’t and given enough time
Neither will any of you
It only takes a mistake, a spark, the right condition
Before you know what you don’t
And given enough time
I’m sure we will all have to figure it out

“The three letter shit box is a house of cards that must be rebuilt and blown apart each and every day. To say it is stressful knowing that nothing you do really matters is the same as knowing everything you do actually means something. There is no reaching a higher level, a transcendence to a higher plane here. Showing up every day is little more than a battle for equilibrium. A losing battle I have dragged my ass into every day for over a decade.

Say it with a smile, say it through gritted teeth, say it like you mean it, say it as though it could even matter… I have failed in every way possible and I still have plenty more room to fail. Endlessly I suffer through because by now I have to like it, because I gave myself no other options, because despite everything I’m still here, and that is life in its purest form. All my effort, all my struggle, all my suffering, or none of it all. It blows away and I’m left standing here holding nothing. It will all just fade away with time.

Was any of it worth it? I wish someone would just tell me, but those above me don’t know any more than I do stuck in this three letter shit box. They call it life, they call it surviving, say we do what we have to do to keep going, but no one says what it really is… a trap we don’t know any other way to just walk away from.”

With a depression so heavy
I’ve given up on everything
That could possibly describe
Who I thought I was
Who I wanted to be
Fuck you and your world
Of God damn nothing
You wanted an impression
A carbon copy of who you
Think you are, believe yourself to be
Well… here I am…
Here I’ve always been
The mirror doesn’t hang on the wall
It follows you wherever you happen to be

Well… the thoughts were so loud in my head that I had to write them down… That is a weak ass… disgusting transition… but sometimes it just has to happen to move on… If you enjoyed this special edition of Broken Thoughts in any way… I would suggest checking out my book… Teething on Concrete…

It is an older one… but it touches on themes similar to this post… and carries a similar format… A hybrid of poetry and stories that tell a tale of what it means to live… A lot of people don’t ask me… but it is actually my favorite books that I have written… Very personal… It was a really fun project that I have been trying to recreate for years now…

Not necessarily the same content… but the hybrid approach of blending everything I do into one project… I like the variance… I like the experimentation… the rebellious nature of doing something that isn’t a poetry book or a short story book… but in so many ways is just that… It is a really interesting project for those interested…

Alright enough of that… I guess we should talk about the thoughts… A digging through the past that I have experienced lately… Thanks to a fantastic group of assholes… that decided it was my time to carry the burden of shit I had nothing to do with… Like all things in life… it is a cycle… a circle… and the clock finally struck on my time… Oh well… fuck’em…

Apparently… coming in and doing your job… isn’t what anyone at the job is looking for… They don’t want anyone that does their job on time… within the parameters of a set time… and despite their constant crying and whining and bitching about overtime… What they really want is someone willing to sit there and drown in their shit… Unfortunately for them… for me… I learned a long time ago how to swim… A valuable skill I suggest each and every one of you learn… for your own peace of mind…

Because yes… shit very much runs downhill… and yes… if you are at the bottom you are going to get covered in it… but shit that slick is pretty watery… and with the right amount of effort… and the natural laws of buoyancy you too can float your way right out of that shit… There is no denying that great leadership is hard to come by… but great or not… all leadership rest on one very simple principle… that none of them seem to understand…

You are standing on my back… I’m not standing on yours… and if you really want me to stand the fuck up and do your job… then you best be prepared to get on all fours like the rest of us… Lead… follow… or get in position… I didn’t write the rules… but I was willing to follow them… Oh well… fuck’em… Luckily there is more than one three letter shit box in this city… so off I go… for better or worse… there I go… Letting the thoughts get so loud that I can’t think of anything else…

Hope all is well…