Chewing On Glass…

My heart is out of tune from who I’ve become
Another cigarette and I’ll understand the sound
Building in my head like a funeral procession
If being dead was the answer I’ve known for a while
What it was that I wanted to do with this life
Different words have different meanings
Said out loud or not at all
The scars I hide deep down inside
Wasn’t so sure I could ever find
The will in me to survive
Still been here now for some time
It wasn’t as hard as I thought it might be
Because it only gets harder with time
My broken heart won’t heal like this
Another day and maybe I’ll understand then
The last two songs playing along in my head
I have my doubts but I should at least try
Nothing left to lose before it all dies
A fear of failure has failed me all over again
Knew not what I said only what it meant
To everyone else not living in my head
Perceived reality to believe what I needed
To get through each day living like this

It smells a lot like something died in here along with me…

There might be more to this
But tonight isn’t what I’d call life
Bleeding pools of infinite time
Bloods running out of my head
Broken lungs breathing in corrupted air
Couldn’t do this alone… but I did
Couldn’t figure out the truth all alone
But somehow I’ve managed
There might be more to this
But tonight isn’t what I’d call a life
Walked away before I knew I’d have to again
Lessons learned from a time before
Wasn’t so sure I knew what I meant
But I’m certain I know more than I do
An external force guiding me through the night
I wasn’t built to make it past
A certain point in this timeline of doubt
Not sure when it is or how it should end
Got a pretty good idea about God
A theory that doesn’t make much sense
If he is I and I is him then
This has all been wasted on me
For no better reason than just because
There might be more to this
But tonight isn’t what I’d call life
Breeding pools of infinite time
Bloods running out of my head
Broken lungs breathing in corrupted air
Seems to keep happening
Again and again…

Wish I could say these contradictions… were only in my head… My current reality proving me wrong… Wish I could say my reality… was all in my head… but it isn’t… It amazes me how much this one simple statement means so… so much less than we think it does…

“I wish people would just come in and do their job. No drama. No complaining. Just do what they are paid to do and go home.”

Haha… no… no… you don’t… I’m not a violent person by nature… but when I hear this said… I want to slap the shit out of anyone dumb enough to say it… stupid enough to believe it for even a second… Myself included if that helps to soften the blow…

There are fewer places I hate more than work… and it isn’t even the work… I have by all accounts an easy ass job… that I love… I even like hanging out with the customers… For the most part they are all pretty cool… interesting at the very least…

What I don’t like is being told that I need to spend more time on the customer… while simultaneously being told that I spend too much time standing around talking… What I don’t like is being told I’m not personal enough… while simultaneously told that I should have been done by now… It isn’t that I don’t like work… It is something to do after all… It is that I don’t like the never ending contradictions…

Do what I say… Why are you doing what I told you to do?… Figure it out… Why would YOU ever do it like that?… If you don’t know ask… How do you not know how to do that?… Act like an adult… Let me explain this to you like a child… Do your job… We pay you to entertain me… It never ends… It repeats and repeats…

To say I am over it… Doesn’t even mean anything anymore… Why would anyone want to work if you are going to treat them like shit anyway?… Why wouldn’t it just be easier to do nothing… if you are going to treat them like shit anyway?… Can’t figure out why Dan… Jane… or whoever the fuck… isn’t doing anything… walks from place to place… doesn’t bother to try…

Can’t figure it out in the slightest… The part that kills me personally… is that I can’t not do something… to say I care… really care… I don’t… I don’t care about your bottom line… I don’t care if your profits soar to new heights… I don’t even care if the building is even here tomorrow… and yet… despite everything we’ve been taught to believe about my poor attitude… I’m the only one doing my job… their job… and somehow found time to do yours as well…

How in the fuck?… How is it that this keeps happening?… I’m drowning over here… not in work… but in God damn disbelief… That somehow… I am the problem… that me simply doing what I get paid to do… Is in every way the problem no one is looking to solve… Fine… okay… sure… whatever… but if we aren’t doing our jobs… not meant to do our jobs… Why and the fuck are we even here to begin with?…

I don’t drag my ass into this shit hole of a building… to hang out… to socialize with people I have barely anything in common with other than… we all happened to need to eat this week… Sorry… not sorry… that is all this is… Quite honestly if I could start my own business I would… But unfortunately… corporate… big business… whoever… works tirelessly to ensure that no one else can just do that…

So… here we are… I need money… you pay me… and that is that… Should the reason be better than that?… Sure… why not… But it isn’t… because that is all that this is… A job… nothing more… nothing less… and I’m perfectly fine with that… I’ve accepted that when I applied… You want the shit on the shelves… I put the shit on the shelves… Sorry… not sorry… I don’t want to hang out for twelve hours doing nothing…

That is the probably the craziest part… They act as though if there is twelve hours of work… that I won’t stay… I do… When there isn’t though… when the job is done… See you the fuck later… You’ve never seen human beings more butt hurt… “Don’t you want to stay and hold my hand?”… Nope… Just for clarity… you weren’t here to hold mine… Remember?… you just came in… and you weren’t even here when I managed to get my ass in this building…

But I’m the devil… I’m the asshole that doesn’t care… I’m the problem… I’m the one that needs to be eradicated… So… I smile… I pretend that you aren’t doing what you are doing… and I just get my job done… Because apparently someone has to do something around here… Hope all is well…