Chewing On Glass…

Knew not what I knew
What I had was it worth
The cost or the hurt it brings
Tell me lord am I pushing through
Probably just giving into what you give
The cost and the hurt it takes
Knowing it all has to go away
If wishing I was dead
Was the plan then I’m done
Dragging my soul across the dirt
Lessons learned tracing a trail
Of blood back to where it all began
The tears feel warm… cold to the touch
I’ve been living my fears in my head
Long enough to know
Knew not what I knew
Drifting through a space
I’ve been creating for no reason
My own grave shouldn’t be my home
But it is… I’m afraid… All that I know
A darkness I can’t shake out
The longer I go the more it becomes clear
I already knew what I knew
The cost wasn’t worth the hurt
Nothing ever is worth the effort you give
The effort it takes to disappear with time

Deeper into the bottle you almost forget, but you know…

If I knew what I was saying
Beforehand that is… Would I
Read the script or skip over it?
If I knew what I meant
Right now that is… Would I
Say it face to face or keep it inside?
Hidden away… I’m free to explore
This thoughtless idea of pain
In the open… the scars they flow
Revealing the truth hidden underneath
My flaws weren’t by design to be on display
Can’t convince my mind this isn’t true
That this was anything but
A casting out of heaven to amuse
Someone… something that isn’t there
I feel further than hell
To find myself living in this place
Confessing to sins I find myself in
Giving into the darkness that can’t rest
Hidden away… think I’m free
In the open… know the scars they flow
If I knew what I was saying
Beforehand that is… I’d have
Rewritten the script to fit the narrative
How it is I feel inside my head
A narrative that never made much sense
Still I find myself living it just fine

Still very much broken… and longer than I promised to offer… Oh well… what is one to do other than what the words demand of me… Not much has been going on with me… Personally that is… What could or couldn’t be happening around me… I haven’t the slightest clue… I try to check it… See what there is to see… but it all somehow ends in tragedy…

Cosmically it almost feels like a joke at this point… Comically it isn’t so funny… how people can’t stop shouting long enough to hear that they don’t make much sense… Somehow the narrative became… as long as I’m loud enough than it means something… Sadly I’m not very good at this game… Not sure of the rules I suppose… Not enough of something…

Born in the wrong time… at the wrong moment… who knows… but philosophically… I really don’t care to waste my time any more… giving into all this hate we seem so happy to give… Had this thought the other day… No matter how you sell it… package it… give it away… there’s no such thing as freedom… An illusion we’ve built in our heads to feel at ease to what it takes to live…

Nothing curbs the truth of the matter… Nothing gives away to something that doesn’t exist… Contradictory to what we think and wish to believe… The more you think your free… the heavier the chains feel on your mind… There is no order to this disorder… there is no grass greener than where you’ve already been… and still we search… and still we drag our bloated corpses so much closer to a promise land… that simply doesn’t exist…

Wanting it to be better… Only makes it worse… Wanting it to be fair… Only makes it that much harder for someone else… Wanting it to be the way it is inside your head… Only makes it seem so worthless in the end… Walking contradictions of hopes and fears… Of helpless creatures never quite sure what it really means to live… You must be pleased to know… that no matter what we’ll never know what it means to be satisfied…

To know freedom as it is defined… not by a God… But by man… The very same people who wasted their own time to explain… creating words that in the end… Don’t mean much of anything… Smiling my way to the grave… Living hopelessly from day to day… If the opposite is always true… and happiness is a fleeting experience that never exists… I really hope it is all going to shit… That you suffer and you suffer well…

Tried everything else… Maybe everything will work itself out this time…