Chewing On Glass…

I only want what seems to hurt
Only looking out for a means to destroy
There is a desperate sort of place
Found living in me
Pushing a rock to get nowhere
Trying too hard to admit to nothing
Brains not working right…
Need a transplant… a better one
Body won’t stop fighting this rejection
I only want what seems to hurt
Only looking out for means that destroy
There is this desperate space I’ve found
Pushing harder against the concrete
Won’t move along any further
Spent too long trying to admit
What I wanted wasn’t what I needed
And what I needed isn’t what I wanted
Desperately searching for something
That is just no longer here anymore… myself

Can no longer choose which part is wrong or right…

Capturing a moment isn’t what it used to be
Trapping words into sentences that don’t make sense
To anyone other than you… myself… and I…
I knew it wasn’t a thing thought I’d try any way
What is there to lose when you’ve already lost everything
I knew and so did you
I knew and so would you
If you were me and I was anything other than myself
Wasn’t always such a big secret
Escaping through the cracks of my heart
The brain was too powerful to tell
A certainty that isn’t certainly me
Not when I get trapped in this place
I’m best in small doses
Too much and you’ll have forgotten
About this space between us and them
An emptiness living inside my head
The hole at the bottom of my heart
They drain into nothingness
And I still can’t seem to understand either one
No matter how hard it is that I try
This was it all along and I’m never right
An invisible ink leaking from my skin
No amount of feeling will make you understand
What it means to be me inside…

Such a desperate place to start a month… What can I say?… That hasn’t already been said?… Questioning a question isn’t a good place to start… One would have to guess… Like starting a sentence with a double negative… I haven’t heard much feedback… but it feels wrong… Circling an idea like a vulture that doesn’t know where to begin…

Go for the eyes… the heart… or the brain… Another year has passed… and the ticking time bomb in me… cries desperately to walk away… fall into the same old cycle that I am used to… Ignoring the noise the best I can… Hold habits die hard if you let them… Spoken like an addict clinging to an idea that they could never understand… Run and hide… disappear for a while… Not this time…

November is calling… and maybe it is time I picked up the phone… heard what it is that they had to say… What I’ve been telling myself all this time… Feels right… must be time then… Hope all is well… because I’m doing fine…