Chewing On Glass…

Want to dig a hole in the back yard
A little place to feel
To get a feel for how it’s going to feel
Almost there and I’d like to think
A Lazarus pit that doesn’t exist
I don’t feel it, but I do
Death gripping my soul…
Dragging me closer to home…
Trapped here with you and your stupid
Demands to be perfect when I’ve never
Seen a sign of recognition, appreciation
To the fact that none of this makes sense
If you could make it make some sense
If you could figure it out by at least the end
What more could we really ask for?
I’ve got a couple
What is war? What is hurt?
The pain of knowing we’ll never change?
What is it that you have left us with?
The silence spreads from our necks to our heads
There is no answer without a question
You wanted me to know, but wouldn’t say
I guess that’s enough to go on marching to the end
Maybe for some… Never was enough for me

You wanted to drown me and now you wished you’d have burned…

Always thought my muse was my internal demons
My habitual need to think about killing myself…
My darkness works but that’s just who I am
It turns out my real muse has always been anger
It defiantly wasn’t forgiveness or content
Turning the other cheek or lying about how sorry
I’m really not…
Someone has to take a knee
Rather it be me then you
Get the fuck out of here
Did you really believe that just because I pretend
To give a fuck that I couldn’t be just like you?
Only a fool believes no one’s like them
Unique to the point that you’re too stupid to live
Maybe Jesus was onto something with those nails
The cross you hold so sacred to your heart
If you just wanted to watch it all burn to the ground
That in itself is fine…
As long as you know you’re next in line
Hope it was worth it
Starting fights you could never win
Hope it was worth it
Dragging me back in to feel like this
It definitely isn’t forgiveness
That keeps this shit spinning closer to the sun
Who knew we were all destined to die?
Repeating history… Tripped up by all your lies
Wanted me to lay down and die…
Wanted me to drown and now you’d wished
You had burned with the rest of them

Got real dark there at the end… Buried feelings of discontent?… Maybe… Who knows what anyone was feeling a few months ago?… I can barely remember how I was feeling yesterday… Time has a way of not moving on… but forgetting anything that happened at all… None of that is true… and yet it isn’t…

Spinning in circles and I wonder where I will end up today… Emotionally lately nothing has been very stable for very long… Wondering off into an emotional plane I can’t seem to explain… I’m happy… I’m sad… I’m content… I could watch it all wash away… Who I am… How I feel… Isn’t very certain today I am afraid…

I want to preach about loving your neighbor… But I don’t even know the names of my own… I want to say that we should all be forgiven… But I don’t even know the nature of your sins… I want to be a better person… But I don’t even know what that really means… Emotionally sick to the thought… that all of this could soon be gone… Don’t even know what this is anymore…

Being content isn’t what I thought it was going to be… Not caring and living the words… Was not what I dreamed it could have been… We work harder to try less… but the less we try the more none of this seems worth it… What are we working so hard to save?… Ushering in a new thought isn’t worth the time it takes…

Hope all is well… but is it even worth it?… It seems like it isn’t… at least not today…