Chewing On Glass…

Doesn’t really matter does it
How I felt and what I saw
Memories lost in a vacuum
Drifting into a space that doesn’t exist
Past the outer edges of existence
Somewhere out there the whole
Solar system is floating on by
Life comes and it goes without a concern
Alongside thoughts of suicide and depression
Things that really hurt… don’t leave a mark
I’m still here so what’s the problem
Did I not beg hard enough or is this part
Of some stupid master plan?
Didn’t think so either…
Drifting further into what doesn’t exist
Past the outer edges of the known universe
Somewhere deeper than we already know
Life comes and it goes without a concern
Alongside thoughts of rape and murder
Things that really hurt… leave a visible scar
I’m still here so what’s the problem
Did I just luck out or is this part
Of some stupid master plan?
Didn’t think so either…
Doesn’t really matter does it
How I felt and what I saw
Memories lost in a vacuum
Things to know… Things to forget…
Is that really all we ever were to them?

I think I’ve said it enough times inside my head for you to understand…

Something in me has been dead for a while
Call it my soul or my spirit or I don’t know
Don’t think it matters on such a small scale
What it is isn’t much of anything if your asking
Couldn’t hear anything you said and
Somehow I didn’t miss a thing
All you ever wanted was everything anyway
So I let you have it and it still wasn’t enough
What does that tell you? Doesn’t mean anything
Trust me I already know I’m worthless in all of this
I do believe I mentioned that at the start
I do know my right from wrong just not the difference
Call it my gift or my burden or I don’t know
Don’t think it matters on such a larger scale
What it is isn’t much of anything
Couldn’t hear me even if you tried and
Somehow we’re still here waiting to die
I’d say it again, but I’m pretty certain
You are pretty fucking deaf to the needs of others
So I let you have it and it still wasn’t enough
Never was enough to do anything with
What does that tell you about shit?
Trust me I know it isn’t worth more than you put in
I do believe I mentioned it at least once by now
I do know my right from wrong just not the difference
Call it my gift a little present from me to you
But I don’t think it matters as much as I told myself it did
Because I know it didn’t matter as much
As we told ourselves it did

Fitting that I would end the year on what inspired me this past year… My hope is that when I write whatever I write… that it relates to something personal for you or sparks a thought… I don’t really like to say what the words spark in me… Dance around it the best I can… I feel… that when I explain what I’ve said… only allows the meaning to drift away…

Kind of what the first one is about… just out here drifting… complaining… living… while all these things are going on around me… doesn’t make anything any less real… or how I feel inside any less important… It is a confliction that I think we all have to deal with… Are my problems really problems at all?… Yes… that is the simple answer… the simple truth…

And onto the next one… work… the second one is about work… Because why wouldn’t it be?… We collectively spend way too much time giving a shit about things that don’t give a shit about us… And rightfully so… because the truth is it means something to me… to us… My time means something to me… Your time means something to you… as it should… So don’t waste my fucking time… Our time…

It appears too often to me… that there is way too many people out here… wasting my time… your time… and fuck that… If they want to waste their time… so, be it… but waste it some fucking place else… waste it on things that don’t affect the rest of us… wander the woods… have a rodeo… I don’t give a fuck… because I don’t have the answer for them…

And that is a problem I have to walking this earth with… That is my burden to fucking figure out and deal with… Because who am I to say what is a waste of time?… Sucks… it is shit… I’m working on it… Probably to my last dying breath… But who here isn’t a work in progress?… Full circle and still here… Hope all is well…