We Made It Down Here Today… Broken Thoughts All The Same

Heavy handed explanation of nothing at all
A feeling in your heart, a hand around your throat
Broken bodies speaking in tongues
An ancient language only you and I know
Words made of sounds and movements
Killing myself to watch you die
Equality means more than we can understand
Persecution of your heart, of your broken soul
Each thought a loaded weapon against a weak defense
Guilty, charged, walking the winding path
To the hangman’s noose
Together we walk hand in hand
We’ve always known we’d swing together
All that’s left is to not kill each other

 

So I’ve been meaning to ask
I’ve been dying to know
What is it we reap when we sow?

 

I’m scratching and I’m bleeding
I’m wondering if this is what I have always been needing
Hidden deep within my skin
A sin so deep no one can see
Used to love all this pain you put me in
An odd feeling buried in my lungs
I’m scratching and I’m bleeding
I’m digging deeper as if this is what I have always needed
Hidden somewhere within me
A secret so deep no one can see
Used to love all these stupid little things
An odd feeling seeped into my brain
I’m scratching and I’m bleeding
I’m wondering if this has always been me

 

Who the fuck are you to say
You ever thought you’d understand me

 

Stringing together thoughts only to hope you fear them
A frightening time to be me with a shotgun
Too subtle or too direct I’m not sure
The director said to give it some more feeling so here it is
A catalyst of shame and regret
A drug meant to consume more than just your soul
Make you forget all the things you don’t already know
Rambling on about the vanity in your eyes
Too subtle or too direct I’m not sure
Always been a dick in disguise
An asshole buried deep down inside
I’m smiling but I’m so ready to watch you die

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Could someone turn on the light?… got real dark… for no reason why… an endless parade of broken thoughts… had to cut it off somewhere… where to explain… if I should even bother… too subtle or too direct I’m not sure… so unsure about everything… so here it goes… 

Heavy handed explanation of nothing at all (Nervousness about a certain thought… wonder what it could be?… lets find out)
A feeling in your heart, a hand around your throat (Subconscious feeling found in others or one’s self… A want… a need?… everyone is different)
Broken bodies speaking in tongues (Sex)
An ancient language only you and I know (Still sex)
Words made of sounds and movements (Even more sex)
Killing myself to watch you die (Realizing all this relationship has purely physical…)
Equality means more than we can understand (This line just sounds good… haha… the realization that not just the man feels this way… using each other… yet still hurts...)
Persecution of your heart, of your broken soul (Anger or hurt over the last said thought… another version in a sense of how could you do this to me?…)
Each thought a loaded weapon against a weak defense (More fighting)
Guilty, charged, walking the winding path (Coming to a general understanding)
To the hangman’s noose (The Pain is all that we know… wanting it together… death)
Together we walk hand in hand (More sex… haha… no it is about moving on)
We’ve always known we’d swing together (A singular idea about relationships… love at first sight… play on words… a play on the idea… a proving how broken they each really are for each other)
All that’s left is to not kill each other  (let’s get back to that sex again)

This may actually seems like a real life story… or based completely on truth… in truth it isn’t… a few things are… but not enough to say that this based on anyone I know… sometimes I just get lazy… or don’t have enough time to write a story… pretty lame explanation I am sure… though I was in a relationship a long ass time ago… that was similar… based purely on what else were we going to do at the time?… toxic is the only way to describe that relationship… sometimes love seem so real… then you look back and think what the fuck was I doing?… 

To me love seems more of the opposite… you should look back and can’t believe you ever got so lucky… can’t believe you are still with that person… there are and will always be up and down in relationships… friends… family… lovers… but if you can look back and smile?… always a good thing… always something worth fighting for… but what the hell do I know… just another asshole among a crowded toilet… speak your peace… think what you need… live life like it matters… take care of yourself… 

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Knocked the Wind Out of Everything

Stress seems to affect us at different volumes and different values. Not everyone can handle what it takes anymore. The time they change things even if the game is the same. Used to be about survival now it’s about living. About doing nothing. The goals were once simple. Now the goal is to convoluted, to simple to comprehend. It wasn’t that long ago that there wasn’t enough people. Now there are too many. Positive or negative doesn’t matter laziness still poisons the well. Today nothing ever gets done because someone else will take care of it. Someone else will do it don’t worry. Who the fuck is this someone else?

Oh, I forgot it was me. Forty hours a week to make up for all the mistakes, all the things no one wants to do. This place drags me down. Consumes me and leaves me broken. All I hear is complaints about the shit that I don’t do because I’m too busy doing everything else. Poorly managed is an understatement. I think they train them to be stupid. Ignorant to the task at hand. Most of them have never been me and I don’t mean in a figurative sense. I mean they have never done what I have to do, what I have done. Pull these worthless fucks right out of college. Cool you can read. I can read too. I can read the units, the hours, the labor, and all the bull shit. I can feel what they are saying and what they are saying is that we are fucked. 

I often wonder if I was dropped on my head too many times or not enough. Decisions are made with the littlest of thought. The thought process. “I’m going to need you to wipe your feet before you enter the mud puddle. Hate for the dirt to get dirty.” I need this that and the other. All I need is for you to get the fuck out of the way. Smile and lose your fucking mind. Lead, follow, or get the fuck out of the way isn’t just catchy it is true. Instead fuck ups happen constantly and the only way is to keep letting them happen. They have the staff so stressed out and paranoid that they run around chasing a chicken with its head cut off. Stop chasing the chicken. Come back when the damn thing is dead. I get that dinner needs to be made. Trust me I fucking get it, but the plates are dirty, the preps not done, and the pot is still heating up. We’ve got time. 

God forbid you communicate that said idea is a bad one. Excommunicated from the conversion from there on. Condemned until it of course fucks up then you are to blame for its failure. I try to stay out of it. To stay away from it, but they drag you in. They need someone to blame, to take the fall but I can’t let go. I hang on their every word. Loyalty buried deep within my very existence. Stupidity running right beside it. Trust no one and no one can let you down. If only I could live by the words that I preach. If I could live by the way it was supposed to be.

What happened to do the job? What happened to hard work? Gave a way to reward the weak and bury the strong. I see that it pays to do nothing at all, but I can’t stand by and watch it fall. To watch everything I have worked for go to shit. Watching it all fail makes me feel as though I failed. Whether I get paid or not. The world should not work this way, but somehow it does. Somehow the world keeps turning and all I can think is fuck it all. 

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I’ve lost touch with reality, with the truth… The harsh reality that none of this actually matters… Forgot the meaning of life is nothing more than seeing the next day… One day I will lose as we all will, but taking on all this stress is only moving me closer to that day… Not closer to where I want to be… Finding that balance can take a life time… Don’t let it… The sooner the better… In the mean time hug a family member… your children… and take a moment for yourself…

If the world isn’t going to work the way that it should… Why should we?… If we can’t beat them… do what they do… and do it better… laughing all the way to my grave… fuck’em… 

I Am The End Of All Your Dreams…

Today will be a little different from normal… or a lot of the same… depends on how you view my odd writing style… today I answer questions from you… well three of you… I appreciate the three of you very much… the rest of you… the rest of you must have just been too busy… whatever… I get… I have a life too… I think… So lets open up that mail bag and see what we’ve got… (All responses are my own… and do not reflect the thoughts and opinions of those of us that work at Is That A Funeral?… Any allusion to anyone person living or dead… is probably on purpose…)

First question. “Why do you suck?” brought to us by Jesus. 

Well, thank you Jesus… all I have to say to your oh so serious question… Big talk from someone who couldn’t even write their own story… drops the mic… 

Next up we have two questions from Ms. Lemons herself. Fuck The Lemonade if you are nasty.  “How are you?” and “What would you like to drink?”

At the moment I am great… I may or may not have had too much to drink already… I mean I am answering a question from Jesus… but I’m also not running in the streets naked… screaming come and get me while swing a bat at the cops… I just gave away my plans for this evening… damn…  as for what I like to drink… it varies… depending on my mood… and if I have any money… but… Whiskey and ginger ale… is a hit around this homestead… I mean… drinking is bad… how dare you ask me such questions… young lady… wildly inappropriate… or right on target?… so very unsure… next… : )

Question 3 comes from the amazing Lisa @LismorePaper, “Maybe you have said before, but the penguin, is there a story?”

With me there is always a story… haha… sadly this one isn’t very exciting… there is a great debate here at Chewing On Glass… whether I created the image myself or if I found it… I proclaim that I drew it myself… my wife on the other hand believes that I found it… to be honest that makes way more sense… because I can’t draw for shit… I have tried to reverse google search the image… and I can’t find it…  so that leads me to believe that I did it myself… that’s the pretext to this story… 

The penguin… at this point has to be my spirit animal… fun fact I re-watched Fight Club recently and the narrator’s spirit animal also happens to be a penguin… which I must admit made me smile… I don’t know if I have ever mentioned I am a huge fan of Chuck Palahniuk… getting off point… I have always been drawn to Antarctica… or penguins for that matter… maybe it is the subtext of isolation… yet with a family… the idea of an island… the idea that the only way to truly see me is to visit?… so much to unpack there… 

To answer your question though… the penguin became “my symbol” because when I signed up for this website… it was the only image I had on my writing computer… I had every intention to go back and changes it… but I’m pretty lazy… haha… so it became my calling card… the cute amongst the blood… along with the pain… a contradiction of sorts… proving I’m not completely lost… just a little broken…  also Mel really liked it… and as she was an early friend… I let it stay… I was going to change it to the bloody words… or something else that I have worked on… but for all reasons above… why?… 

Digging deep within the bag of questions. We have the one and only… Fox… Over on Low On Juice. “What’s the worst mistake you’ve ever done?”

You are amazing kid… but wow… real dark right out the gate… haha…

My worst mistake… I’ve been thinking about this for the last few days… I mean it could be a couple of things… it could have been have the time I killed that homeless man while his dog watched… should have killed the dog too… I just couldn’t bring myself to hurt something so innocent… : )… that’s a reference to American Psycho… by another one of my favorite authors… Bret Easton Ellis… it could have been dropping out of college… hell it could have been getting married… having a kid… moving to Texas… not killing myself at sixteen because I was bored… the things about mistakes kid… is that they happen… and it doesn’t matter… it is how you handle them that matters… 

Yeah, I dropped out of college… oh well… I went to figure out what I wanted to do… I wanted to do this… could it have been easier with a degree?… doubtful but who knows… was it settling down?… I have a connection with my wife that I don’t have with anyone else in the world… having a kid?… I have a chance of creating the coolest fucking kid in the world… or another asshole.. jury is out… haha… moving to Texas… that one was tough… I gave up a lot for that… looking back though… after I got through all the shit… I have gained a lot… not killing myself… I wouldn’t have met you… hands down… worth living…

Maybe I do nothing… maybe I become the next Stephen King… doesn’t matter… it is about moments… it is about pulling through… mistakes happen… we all fuck up… but riding out the storm…  how you handle it all… that’s what it takes to be a man… to be a woman… to be a person on this earth… shit happens… mistakes happen… life happens… I am far from perfect… but what separates me from what I see… is that I get back up and I try again… I fucking try… at what ever I do… it may seem easy… none of this is easy… 

You can have goals… and you should… but know that the real goal should always be… be the best person you can be… yeah someone else will be more lucky… someone else will have more… some one else will whatever the fuck… end of the day are you the best person you can be?… did you do everything that you are capable of doing?… that’s what people truly judge you on… not your mistakes… you’ve got a good head on those shoulders… keep at it… and you will be fine… don’t linger on the things that don’t matter… if you fuck up make it right… know that you are human… know that we all make mistakes… 

 

Songs for you to hear… because that’s who I am… Vacant Skies by Sparta… The Grudge by Tool.. and The Patient by Tool… I hope you enjoy… 

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Thank you to all that submitted a question… you are awesome… and I thank you from the bottom of my heart… it may seem black and hollow at times… but that is only the way it seems… because of you… it is full of love… and I thank you…

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Chewing On Glass… Year 2… Burning Down The House…

“Burning down the house while listening to Purple Rain. I set that mother fucker ablaze. An end to an era. An end to everything. We speak in broken records. Broken words that never make any sense. We drown our sorrows in pain. Choking on a glass of suffering. It all came to me once I understood the meaning of everything. Chewing on glass may never be the same. Screaming our please and thank yous. Were we ever normal to begin with? A life time in the making. A life time left to go. Where things go from here. Only the Devil and I know. “

“So, basically you are just going to ramp up the crazy from here on out?” She asks.

“Yeah, pretty much,” I say with a twisted smile.

 

I know what I am saying is ignorant
World’s based on ignorant themes
Fitting in was never easy
Taking the step off the bus into the darkness
Early morning thoughts only keep me mourning
Everything around me
Society or a group of assholes?

 

Sifting through the cold ashes of everything I know
Watching it all burn was a freedom you can’t control

 

Carving your name into bone
Don’t want to forget what I’m searching for
Really I just want to go home
So sick of only seeing your voice
Hearing your smile
Been so long since I found out
What it means to be ripped inside out

 

How do you do this?
Look to you for strength
As I stare into the abyss
That is my obsession and wonder
How do you do this to yourself?
For everyone else?
Wondering how I could be you
The strongest person I know
Weak and insecure
Kill myself if it wasn’t for you
Destroy everything 
If I didn’t think I could be you
How weak can I be
To dream of being someone who isn’t me
My love turns to admiration
One day I will become
Everything you’ve ever loved
Defining definition of everything
That has become my mission
(For My Mother)

 

“That is the best thing you haven’t said all day.”
Abigail Zaveri, The Reason Of All Things

 

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Been sitting on a lot of this for a while… felt good to get it off my chest… well out of my head… free up some space for other things… I should make a new logo for this year… I always come up with all of these ideas at the last second… this is why I need an editor… or an agent to point me in the right direction… 

My new obsession lately is building bird houses out of scrap wood… wire… and other random things that I find… when I finish the one I am working on… I will post pictures…

There is still time to get in any questions you may have… tonight or early next morning… still unsure how time works in the world… is the dead line… hopefully there will be enough or it is going to get really weird up in here… not really much of a threat… might happen anyway… one can hope… 

 

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Not So Depressing Or Maybe It Is

This Misery

I pretend like I don’t need this
I need every bit, every piece
Of this misery
I pretend like I hate it here
But here is where I feel most at home
In this misery
I pretend like I don’t need this
I need every minute, every second
Of this misery
I pretend like I am better than this
In truth I’m so much worse
Then I give myself credit for
This misery may be all I have
Yet I regret every minute of every second
Every bit, every instance of this place called home
Disown my own self from everything that I know
The misery never leaves me
Sown deep within my bones, within my soul
Could this be all that I know

 

Stuck

Living in hell
Mortal damnation
Abomination
Salvation and all
That other shit
Stuck living in regret
Stuck pretending I give a shit
Stuck in a hole, left here down below
Living in sin
Immortal acceleration
Condonation
Salvation and all
That other shit
Stuck living in regret
Stuck pretending I give a fuck
Stuck in a hole, well defined
By the walls I have put up

 

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I hesitate to call this work, but it is. I put in long hours each and every day. With little to no repayment. Though in all fairness I’d be doing this anyways whether anyone was reading it or not. I do this more because I don’t think anyone is going to read it. A purge of the mind left some where in time. In a sense I think that this is my broken way of saying thank you. I used to do this alone. That is what I’m used to. Lately I have had to rebuild my broken thoughts and look at how I write.

I write from a fucked up book of past regrets. In other words a green binder with everything I have said in my head over the last three years. Before I started this website I saw this monstrosity as profound. After retyping and rereading everything I realize more than ever that I was stuck. Stuck repeating the same broken sentences, the same broken thoughts over and over again.

With that said I’m kind of lost as of late. How I write and what I say never had a deadline. It was something I did and walked away. No one was going to read it or judge it or care about it. That has been the hardest part of this whole experience. How much do I hold back? How much do I care what other people think? About what you think?

Deep down I pretend that I don’t care. In truth I do. I look forward to responses. I look forward to hearing what you have to say. I’m addicted to what my new friends are saying. It is a strange feeling. The past few years it has only been me. I spend hours a day reading all the posts from everyone. I don’t think that I have ever read so much in my life. I know I need to take a break, but I don’t want to. Pushing through is all I have ever known.

So things may be different from here on out. I’m sure I’ll still be an asshole from time to time. But I can already tell that I am different. I’m not that same as when I started all of this. What I mean is that you have had an impact on me and it is what it is. Which is why this will now be a political blog. Full of politics, conspiracy theories, and well in fact Wednesdays are switching from Broken Thoughts to Crazy Thoughts. We are going to get real weird up in here. So prepare your anus for that. You won’t believe the things that I believe, but just wait and see. Maybe I’m not as crazy as you think.

Just fucking with you… haha… the binder is done… last two poems… up top… going rogue from here and out… you know minus all the shit I have been writing in the last year… did you really think that I have been just sitting around… retyping all shit from the past?… well I haven’t… been sitting around the whole time… I’ve written enough stuff for a post or two… I’m really excited though to show off some of the stuff that I have been working on… some of it is different… some of it is the same… excited to go back and revisit… I’ve been posting some of it on twitter here and there over the last year… so you might see some stuff again…  a lot still in my head too… can’t shut this shit off… haha… well this is turning into a long post… Year Two Starts on Wednesday… well maybe… see how I feel… 

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Well This Should Be Fun…

I had a lot of fun doing a Q and A with myself… last week… so I thought why not this week do one with all of you?… kind of like the blog awards… but not… so leave a question down below in the comments… or on Twitter… and I will or I won’t answer them by Friday… for Friday’s post… so questions need to be in by Thursday morning at the latest… If you don’t want me to link you to your question… let me know… This should be fun… 

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Then It Hit Me… Lazy Sunday… Two Days Early

Beginning of Time

Feel as though I had something to say
Oh well didn’t matter anyway
I can’t turn it off
Even when I’m done
Keeps building well past the point
Of being fun
In the end we” just wish for being dead
In the end we’ll all live in sin
Do you know what I mean
When I question the idea of being alive
Do you know what it means
To watch it all die
Feel as though I had something to say
I guess it doesn’t matter anyway

 

Made Me

Standing naked in front of a mirror
A common occurrence among the self-conscious
Judge every flaw as though I had a hand at all
A common misconception among the humane
Bleeding to know why
Bleeding to feel the pain
Understand this is not for me
A girl among the wolves of man
A woman torn to shreds
Forgive me if I can’t forgive
Forgive me if I can’t forget
Who I am is who I never wanted to be
If the words are true
I am how you made me

 

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A bit lazy today… my mind has been all blank… nothing really to say… though I’d love to speak… loved to sit here and spend the time writing… problem is… I’ve only been sitting here… no point in forcing it… hasn’t worked so far… I’m going to go try to sit in another chair and see if that helps…

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